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Saturday, October 20, 2018
Mother Earth’s Flower Shop
Years ago I participated in the International Infertility Film Festival. A home grown group of bloggers contributing videos posted on YouTube with a common set of hashtags. This was always a favorite posted by Melissa Ford aka of the Stirrup Queens blog that continues today posted under The Towncriers avatar she also used at that time. A fun video not specifically about donor conception but about all families created via ART and adoption.
There is More Said the Troll
Just read a fast blog piece over at Scary Mommy where a mom describes her children's story from telling, school pictures that look like sperm to what it's like having donor siblings. She also describes her feelings about it all. Basic stuff.
The kids are still young so no issues discussed re finding a donor etc. I am getting jaded as I want sometimes to interject. I don't want ever to be that troll commenting on another persons story. But sometimes you do.
Monday, October 15, 2018
DNA Sample Received
Saturday, October 06, 2018
Our Goal as Parents to DC Children
The following is a comment I just posted on a donor conception FB group in response to a post that a couple is experiencing conflict where the expecting dad wants to minimize the donors role in many respects:
“Anyone that has seen my comments know I believe in full disclosure as early as possible in a donor conceived child’s life. The reasons are supported by many studies that the earlier its know the less pain and betrayal if any will exist later. This can’t be a secret to the child as it’s their right to know who they are.
The donor does not have to be a major focus but at the same time to minimize the donor is to minimize and possible delegitimize half of who the child is. Doing that can seriously create self worth issues etc. I don’t want to create arguments here and I will respect everyone’s views but the goal must always be the best interests of the child. Using DI or DE is a decision we make as parents not one they asked for. They deserve truth in all respects. Our feelings as parents must be secondary to their mental and physical health. As parents I can’t imagine anyone not wanting that as their goal.”
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“Anyone that has seen my comments know I believe in full disclosure as early as possible in a donor conceived child’s life. The reasons are supported by many studies that the earlier its know the less pain and betrayal if any will exist later. This can’t be a secret to the child as it’s their right to know who they are.
The donor does not have to be a major focus but at the same time to minimize the donor is to minimize and possible delegitimize half of who the child is. Doing that can seriously create self worth issues etc. I don’t want to create arguments here and I will respect everyone’s views but the goal must always be the best interests of the child. Using DI or DE is a decision we make as parents not one they asked for. They deserve truth in all respects. Our feelings as parents must be secondary to their mental and physical health. As parents I can’t imagine anyone not wanting that as their goal.”
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Sunday, September 30, 2018
Friday, September 28, 2018
Sperm Donor Meets Children and Girlfriend Online. Their Children
This should be an interesting read.
Note one fear that some DI Dads have is that their spouse will developed feelings for their donor. Presumably there is no social non bio dad in this story.
I will read later and add comments.
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Sunday, September 23, 2018
Reactions to Jarring Experiences Linked Article
The article I linked to a few days ago (and below) had me thinking about the many different ways individuals are now learning they are donor conceived or where individuals are discovering that their biological fathers donated sperm years earlier resulting in half siblings they would never have considered to exist. It also made me think about terminology and relationships between those interviewed and their donors and the parents that raised them.
Tomorrow, Monday, I will pick up from the post office the 23andMe kit my daughter requested I purchase for her. Her brother and she had previously used the Ancestry dot com kit with their mom. But Z wanted to now use the same kit / service that their only known half sibling sister had used. So far their half sister's kit has produced no additional half siblings. But we want to at least see if the 23andMe database links them together as we expect it should.
The truth is we know of at least one additional half sibling out there. As I have written in the past the donor did report to the cryobank that he had a biological daughter directly presumably through a marriage. If this child now pre-teen or teen ever submits her own kit looking to learn about her own genetic make up or ancestry she we would expect would also be linked as a 50% sibling to our sibling group.
I wonder how the donor will react to his child asking to purchase such a kit. He must follow and see in the news that these genetic kits have resulted in breaking the promise of anonymity. Will he let his child or children use such kits. Certainly when there are adults he will not be able to control such decisions. Imagine years from now his daughter with her own children submitting a kit and learning as an adult that she is connected to this group.
There was an argument the other day on the DSR Facebook group about respecting donor anonymity. By purchasing the 23andMe kit am I walking down the slippery slope of breaking my legal agreement to respect the anonymity of my children's donor? Probably, but they did not sign such an agreement.
Getting back to the article.
There are several stages non bio or social parents go through once they have donor conceived kids. One such stage or fear is that once the donor is found that he or she will replace the non bio parent in some form in the mind and heart of our child. Selfishly I admit smiling when Amy who is described in the article beginning states that she does not think of her donor as her dad even though he is obviously her biological father. At least one other individual interviewed viewed the parent that raised them as their dad. Again one for my side. As with many issues, terminology becomes important to how you process information.
Amy like my kids did not find out via a fight or my deathbed. They like her have always known. But unlike her they don't have the right to initiate contact through their cryobank. In that they are unlucky and I worry whether this causes them pain, spoken or unspoken. This is my greatest fear. My own pain or discomfort are truly secondary but none the less also real.
The article also discussed validation. Validation from the donor recognizing and acknowledging the donor conceived individual And self validation where an individual always felt there was a disconnect from the family or parent that raised them. Not necessarily in a negative way but just that something felt different or did not match up. Perhaps personality wise, or hair color, or for whatever reason. My own daughter, granted she is sometimes a pain the rear end teen, feels I am a complete nerd and she being so cool it is obvious we are not blood relations.
I think the sections of the article that I found the most painful were the interviews that detailed the secrecy where individuals were not told and it was clear that there was no plan or even intent to ever tell. These stories were filled with pain and even betrayal. I and my ex-wife never wanted to cause such pain and its one of the primary reasons we told our kids early. We have not gone out of our way to tell everyone in the world as it the children's story. Although this blog sort of blows that goal out of the water.
There is truly so much more I can react to in the article but I think I need to stop for now. Please read the article and let me know your reactions.
All Super Heroes Should Know Their Origin Story
As seen on the Facebook feed for DonorChildren:
" #DonorChildren member Chloe13, Chloe Elizabeth, #DonorConceived adult goes to the street in #Melbourne #Australia to ask people about #DonorConception. Fantastic!! #RUDC"
I have seen other videos by one of the two young women in the video, Chloe Elizabeth, and they are very good. Many of the videos post by members of the DonorChildren community are very good as many of the individuals are quite articulate in their feelings and thoughts.
Saturday, September 22, 2018
Best Book re Explaining Donor Conception to a Child
As they grow into adults they will have many questions, some of which I have answers for, and many I will not be able to answer for them.
Books like this though helped them to take first steps to processing it all. Parents should ask themselves many questions before they start a donor conception journey but books like this are a must have if you do.
It's not published anymore and it's rarely on eBay and other book resellers but worth finding. These days it might be on line as a pdf for all I know.
Jarring Experiences ...
The number of individual stories out there is unreal. There are points where I feel reading them is overwhelming. Yet I read so many of them. Sometimes I feel guilt. Sometimes I feel joy living through each. I often wonder what my teens are thinking. They are at those ages where sharing with their mid 50+ year old dad is not cool.
Here is yet another article describing varied experiences. This one published yesterday. Is it me or are there new articles every week. So many stories so many web sites. The last 16 years it has increased and increased.
Friday, September 21, 2018
What was I expecting? One Mother Tells Her Adult Daughter the Truth.
What was I expecting? Cries of hidden truths? Lies? Maybe I was. Too often I have heard stories of adults learning they were donor conceived and their resulting sense of betrayal and confusion. I expected that here.
Spoiler alert. The result here was one of mother and daughter simply crying at sharing something so intently personal and nothing more, at least in so far as the article covers it, about why the secret was kept etc.
I think this is rare. Not impossible. I still argue for openness from an early age. Worth reading for one more perspective.
Thursday, September 20, 2018
What woke me up?
With this post I have written this month the same number of posts as the last three calendar years.
Not sure why. But part is a donor conceived teen who is getting curious about her donor. I never stopped reading posts on Facebook groups and other forums. Just finding myself wanting to out it out there in my own words again here.
Let me know what you think.
Not sure why. But part is a donor conceived teen who is getting curious about her donor. I never stopped reading posts on Facebook groups and other forums. Just finding myself wanting to out it out there in my own words again here.
Let me know what you think.
Book Review : Three Makes Baby
I implicitly trust Olivia Montuschi and she posted today a book review I invite couples thinking about donor conception to read.
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Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
Sisterly Love
Media
Request for a TV show:
"A 1/2 sibling group that has 4-6 Sisters who are close in age - between the ages of 21-35 who are willing to move in together for 3 months to bond as sisters. They may already know each other. Maybe they have met once. Maybe 2 of them are already close. Filming this series would be in essence their job and yes, they do get paid per episode. It would be filmed over 8 weeks and could begin filming in May (however March would be ideal). Ideally the majority of the sisters live in one city, and maybe only 2 have to relocate. These sisters would need to be part of a larger sibling group so that in each episode they are meeting new siblings and are continuing their search for families. Perhaps they try to start a family business, perhaps they meet their donor dad, perhaps they double date - but the backbone of the series is their growing bond as sisters. Obviously the women have to be funny, confident and able to carry a show - not wall flowers." Please email me your story, addressing the details above. wendy@donorsiblingregistry.com”
My response on seeing this:
Interesting. Like Big Brother without the immunity necklace and no prize to shoot for other than sisterly love. My kids will be watching for sure. I think.
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Note: Above image of Sisterly Love is my own creation and not an official name for the proposed program.
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"A 1/2 sibling group that has 4-6 Sisters who are close in age - between the ages of 21-35 who are willing to move in together for 3 months to bond as sisters. They may already know each other. Maybe they have met once. Maybe 2 of them are already close. Filming this series would be in essence their job and yes, they do get paid per episode. It would be filmed over 8 weeks and could begin filming in May (however March would be ideal). Ideally the majority of the sisters live in one city, and maybe only 2 have to relocate. These sisters would need to be part of a larger sibling group so that in each episode they are meeting new siblings and are continuing their search for families. Perhaps they try to start a family business, perhaps they meet their donor dad, perhaps they double date - but the backbone of the series is their growing bond as sisters. Obviously the women have to be funny, confident and able to carry a show - not wall flowers." Please email me your story, addressing the details above. wendy@donorsiblingregistry.com”
My response on seeing this:
Interesting. Like Big Brother without the immunity necklace and no prize to shoot for other than sisterly love. My kids will be watching for sure. I think.
<><><><><><><><><>
Note: Above image of Sisterly Love is my own creation and not an official name for the proposed program.
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Lifting the veil of secrecy around donor conception
Article by Joe Hinchliffe
9 September 2018
Sydney Morning Herald
"Imagine you take a DNA test only to discover more than you bargained for.
Perhaps you hoped to have Viking blood, Indigenous heritage, to be a long-lost descendent of royalty or to harbour traces of ancient Neanderthal genes.
But imagine instead you discover the man you've called dad your whole life is not your biological father.
Your biological father is a sperm donor."
Link to full article….
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ICSI can pass on Male Factor Infertility
The following text is from a tweet posted by @Damian_H_Adams
"It is sad that male infertility is often overlooked. Previously it was primarily donor sperm which does nothing to solve his infertility. ICSI does not treat the cause and can potentially pass on male factor infertility to the next generation."
ICSI for those now aware of the procedure is when viable sperm are harvested from an otherwise infertile man via a biopsy procedure and the sperm are injected directly into a woman's eggs. The resulting zygote / embryo will then be implanted or released into the woman's uterus with the hope of implantation. As stated above if the man suffers from male factor infertility it is quite possible the resulting male child may inherit that same condition.
It is very true but many feel donor conception is a cure for infertility. If anything it just side steps the problem and creates many new issues for the individual created that they will have to deal with.
ICSI for those now aware of the procedure is when viable sperm are harvested from an otherwise infertile man via a biopsy procedure and the sperm are injected directly into a woman's eggs. The resulting zygote / embryo will then be implanted or released into the woman's uterus with the hope of implantation. As stated above if the man suffers from male factor infertility it is quite possible the resulting male child may inherit that same condition.
It is very true but many feel donor conception is a cure for infertility. If anything it just side steps the problem and creates many new issues for the individual created that they will have to deal with.
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Truth vs Deception
In the last 15 years I have met a number of individuals conceived under the various systems in the English speaking world. The systems have changed a lot in some of the countries. You hear parents say love trumps all. In truth it does not. But truth gives most individuals a place to start allowing each person the ability to start processing their story without deception or hidden truths. Not having your story or medical info sucks and I can't imagine. But with truth it allows a base to start that is solid for trust to exist.
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Things you learn on social media ....
In the past week to ten days there were a number of stories, events I wanted to blog about. Just getting to it now. If Blogger supported an app that would work on my iPhone I would be writing more often.
Instagram feed: Donor_siblings
Via one of the Facebook groups, I believe the DSR group, there was an article I saw I think in the Washington Post that spoke about a 40 person donor conceived group with an age span of 1 to 21 I believe. That is insane. And the donor is now known to the group members. I am assuming and their families. One of the oldest in the group Kianni Arroyo has made it her quest to meet each and every one of her donor siblings across all age groups. She started an Instagram account donor_siblings to document and share these meetings and photos. It is very cool and fun to see her siblings interact.
The fact that there are donor conceived groups out there with this many individuals is insane and this is a major factor crying out for regulation. The age range here also makes me think how many years the donor was visiting clinics or how long was sperm frozen. So many questions.
An International Conference on Donor Conception in NYC
I learned via the tweets of Geraldine Hewitt that in May 2019 there will be a conference held at New York University. Per Geraldine it's focus will be aimed at empowering DC people as advocates for themselves. I indicated I am interested in attending and participating if there was an appropriate forum that I could add anything to. I was told the focus would not be on "recipients" as they have plenty of forums and support groups already.
I stated in a tweet that "I have two teens. My focus is on their interactions and their perspective. But if exploring how they or their peers approach the parents that raise them about their needs I believe maybe we all learn.
Instagram feed: Donor_siblings
Via one of the Facebook groups, I believe the DSR group, there was an article I saw I think in the Washington Post that spoke about a 40 person donor conceived group with an age span of 1 to 21 I believe. That is insane. And the donor is now known to the group members. I am assuming and their families. One of the oldest in the group Kianni Arroyo has made it her quest to meet each and every one of her donor siblings across all age groups. She started an Instagram account donor_siblings to document and share these meetings and photos. It is very cool and fun to see her siblings interact.
The fact that there are donor conceived groups out there with this many individuals is insane and this is a major factor crying out for regulation. The age range here also makes me think how many years the donor was visiting clinics or how long was sperm frozen. So many questions.
An International Conference on Donor Conception in NYC
I learned via the tweets of Geraldine Hewitt that in May 2019 there will be a conference held at New York University. Per Geraldine it's focus will be aimed at empowering DC people as advocates for themselves. I indicated I am interested in attending and participating if there was an appropriate forum that I could add anything to. I was told the focus would not be on "recipients" as they have plenty of forums and support groups already.
I stated in a tweet that "I have two teens. My focus is on their interactions and their perspective. But if exploring how they or their peers approach the parents that raise them about their needs I believe maybe we all learn.
Saturday, September 08, 2018
DNA Testing - And so it begins....
I tonight am living up to my promise to my daughter to finally order the 23 and Me DNA kit that her half sibling sister used. $200.00 for the Health + Ancestry kit. More than I expected but long term something she wanted.
Thinking I should be doing this kit for my son and the lesser Ancestry kit for her as I read somewhere male genetic markers turn up more info. You would think after all these years I know the difference. I may order the other kit tomorrow. Will pose the question on one of the Facebook groups tonight or tomorrow.
Can't believe we are finally here at this point. Little nervous for her. Them. Little nervous for me.
Thinking I should be doing this kit for my son and the lesser Ancestry kit for her as I read somewhere male genetic markers turn up more info. You would think after all these years I know the difference. I may order the other kit tomorrow. Will pose the question on one of the Facebook groups tonight or tomorrow.
Can't believe we are finally here at this point. Little nervous for her. Them. Little nervous for me.
Monday, September 03, 2018
Teenagers ....
In my day we always let our parents know where we are under pain of death for not letting them know we were alive. Mine seem to like driving me mad with worry. There are moments where I occasionally think they do it on purpose.
I love them to death but I am getting pissed.
I love them to death but I am getting pissed.