Friend’s Comments Regarding When to Tell the Kids of DI

On New Year’s Eve we had friends over with their 5 year old daughter for dinner and an early rendition of the ball dropping and bringing in the New Year. We turned the clocks ahead so that 7pm became “midnight” to allow the kids to get the experience of counting down the clock, throwing confetti and singing Auld Lang Syne.

These friends are close friends who we have known for a number of years and who are quite familiar with our infertility issues and the conception history of our kids. At one point the conversation turned to donor conception issues regarding what I know of the donor and the existence of a half sibling. We got into a brief discussion of the terminology and the husband’s thought that the term “half sibling” ought to include the term biological as his feeling was that to leave it out was to imply an existing social connection. I think those who are involved in the DC community take it as a given that the term is “bio only” as it is stated and that the term does not indicate if kids have met and begun forming some sort of connection.

The conversation then turned to our friends’ surprise that we have already told our 3.5 year old son that a donor was part of his conception equation. They seemed to think that we would tell at a later date or that later would make more sense to their thinking for the child’s benefit. We explained that the research we have seen and read indicates the earlier the better as to allow the info to just become part of who the kid is. I don’t think they bought that info (if they are reading this I am sure I will have confirmation whether I interpreted their reaction appropriately).

We also discussed how the whole issue of DC adds another layer to the kid’s eventual dating patterns and things to confirm before becoming real serious about a romantic relationship. Granted on one hand discussing the future dating rituals of a current 3.5year old is weird. But yes where we only had to confirm if our dates are aids-free my kids will need to be upfront regarding their DI beginnings to elicit a response as to whether their date was also the product, hopefully not, of DI to ensure no half sibling issues exist. Granted the odds are infentesimal but who wants to take that chance.

Needless to say our dinner conversation was anything but light fare but any discussion of these topics I find quite interesting