I posted a question earlier this week on the DSR groups asking if there were any married heterosexual couples out there who had or we're looking to make contact with either their child's half siblings or even the donor. I got a number of responses personally and only one response posted to the discussion group. I asked my question as it appears that most of the "looking for contact" discussions posted on these sites are primarily posted by single mothers by choice or lesbian couples. So I wondered are we (my wife and I) one of the few hetero couples looking for contact with half siblings?
Turns out we are not but married heterosexual couples are in the minority (at least in the talking about it world). The reasons for this are, I expect, simple and what you would expect. I must admit I have no data to support this theory. Married hetero couples generally either hide this issue completely or while they may inform their child of their DI conception no additional thought is given to locating half siblings until the child is old enough to ask. Or they hear of the DSR through either news pieces or articles, become curious, and get the bug to learn more. We ourselves learned on the DSR through the Oprah episode forgot about it and then saw a repeat and joined the DSR that night. Again there are a number of hetero couples (mostly through the moms) who are on the groups discussing the topic but the vast numbers appear to be SMCs and lesbian moms.
I am betting the thought of locating and making contact with the donor would be a step too far for these families to contemplate and I must admit it is not something I would do without a good reason, namely the health of my kids being at issue. I would have to further guess that while many non-genetic dads like myself had issues (some limited some more) regarding using DI we are all uninterested or perhaps afraid to seek out the donor. Emotionally it is obvious that meeting the man whose genetic material did what we could not is a hard fact to get over. I have discussed in other posts about my reservations or perhaps fears of my role being supplanted by this individual if he were to enter the lives of my children. Granted most adult donor conceived persons go searching for their donors not to replace their DI Dads but to answer questions ranging from health, identity etc. But the possibility scares the hell out of this dad.
Lia recently posted a comment to one of my posts stating in effect that its amazing how DI created families go out of their way to locate half siblings and then treat these half siblings as family while at the same time those same families purposefuly avoid making contact with the donor in effect distancing the children from the donor despite the common blood lines. I am not disagreeing with Lia's conclusion but for a dad in my position the reasons are partially stated above why contact with the donor would not be made. Additional reasons include the belief that the donor wants no contact based on the anonymous nature of his agreement with the cryobank. Granted with donors that may have changed from their days of donating.
In addition families who used DI to conceive their kids did so for the fact that they did not want and continue to not want an additional party as part of their lives and the lives of their children. It is a selfish decision from the parent's perspective and does not consult the children created and I admit that up front. No comments are needed to confirm that fact. Choice moms are for the most part women who decided to raise their kids alone by design and accepted that as part of their planning. And yes they also may welcome another person into their family makeup at one point but that is a personal family by family decision (and more likely than not would not be the donor). At the point they made this decision it was based on those facts. For heterosexual couples we see the family makeup as set, one mommy and one daddy, and a third parent is not wanted or needed. For lesbian couples the reasoning, I suppose, is much the same and a combination of the prior two. Again all selfish reasons but they are the reasons I suppose.
I would like to see the married hetero families speak out more but the numbers reflect the fact that an increasing number of choice moms are choosing DI so it makes sene that they are the currently the most vocal group on the discusion groups and many boards out there. So in conclusion from my perspective I pretty much knew why married hetero couples would seek out half sibs and not seek out donors, but I was curious what responses I would get and to work it through myself.
Hi Eric - I'm one of those who emailed you, and am interested to read your blog and give my perspective in this somewhat-public forum.
ReplyDeleteI'm one of the married heterosexual members of the DSR list, looking for my children's relatives. I have very mixed feelings about making contact with half-siblings, but do want to know who and where they are, both for my children's future interest, and for incest prevention. My husband has absolutely no interest in making contact with half-siblings.
However, he is pleased that the DSR gives us a chance, albeit slim, of making contact with the donor. He says he would like the opportunity to thank him; I think he's just as curious as I am to see the source of half our children's genes.
I know he has fears that the children will consider the donor their "real" father, but I think these are unfounded. Our children know very well who their real father is. And, when the day comes that our children are curious about the donor and half-siblings, I know that their father will subjugate his own fears to his children's best interest, and help them as best he can. I expect you will do the same.
Florence - I agree that when the times comes I will do what I can to help my kids and if that means searching for and contacting the donor I will be there.
ReplyDeleteWhat Lia is not acknowledging above is that I am entitled to my initial reactions and fears. I would not be doing this blog and being as vocal as I am if I were not going to go the next step for my kids but my own human reactions as a DI dad must be acknowledged and respected just as I respect and acknowledge the experiences of a Donor Conceived person (including donor and donor wives such as Lia).
Lia -
ReplyDeleteThanks for the acknowledgement. Just please try to make your points with a lighter hand. Especially, please, with the TTC guys on their blogs. They are trying and they understand the issues and you'll get much farther with your points without hitting them over the head.
I got a bit cranky this morning and will admit I posted my own cranky message about feeling pressed (in this case by you) on the DSR discussion group about this ongoing hard core comment barrage. I apologize after the fact as it was especially cranky. Like I have said repeatedly try making the points without killing these folks and me. I realize you guys, Michael etc, have been pushed aside more than a bit by the various groups/boards but I think if perhaps diplomacy is used more than gun boat comments/posts things could ease up. At least I would hopoe so as you guys do have some great and valid points. People just don't like having issues thrust down their throats.
Thanks again for your honesty. Your position as a donor Wife is certainly one of the more unique in all this craziness.
Regards,
Eric
I can understand your fears, the fears of my own dad and the fears of men who have donor conceived children. I have lived it (through my dad) and spoken about it with him.
ReplyDeleteI think the best advice i have for any dads of donor conceived people is that if you really love your children then you will allow them the opportunity to know their "sperm donor"/biological parent, if it is important to them. It is not about replacement at all, it is about knowing one's self better, through knowing one's history and identity. I think not allowing one's child the opportunity to know more is cruel and a donor conceived person may then react badly to such reactions.
I know you know most of this, but i thought i would reiterate.
I know my dad still maybe doesn't understand and perhaps feels threatened by T5, but i will tell him until the day i die that he should not feel that way and that i will always love him as my dad.
Rel,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your putting your comment here. As a future DI dad it's nice to understand how a DC person feels about their dad and how the relationship that you have with him is unaffected by your search for the missing half of yourself.
I'm not a dad yet but I hope that my children will be as understanding and considerate of my needs when the time comes for them to seek out their donor.
I know this maybe taking something of a liberty but is there any chance of you posting something about the relationship you have with your dad on your blog? I would love to read it and I think it would help a lot of people like myself understand why we need not fear the donor and instead embrace him into the lives of our children.
Richard
My husband and I conceived our daughter 19 years ago using donor insemination.
ReplyDeleteI just told our daughter a few weeks ago about how she was conceived and she is very relieved, but ONLY because her dad is not a good father.
My husband's own biological children only contact him when they want money. There is even one son, I have never met, who won't have anything to do with him. It is very sad.
My story may not be the norm but I hope it brings to light the fact that biology or lack of biology does not cause/create a loving relationship.
Don't ever worry about DI being a reason for your child(ren) not to respect and love you. All kids go through phases where they appear not to do either AND because your children are aware of how they were conceived they may use it against you (at times) but your loving relationship is the bottom line.
You have proven to me (unless you are one of those really, really psycho individuals that can fool anyone) that because you write about your concerns, care deeply.
I love your blog. Thank you for providing this perspective.