Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day : A DI Dad's Perspective

no. 281

I don't know all the details how the day began or why it was calendered for October 15th but the concept is an interesting one. I let it pass without discussing it with my wife as she has put most of the pain we had during our infertility years behind her. I can't always say the same though.

For a DI Dad, you thank heaven every day for the kids you have but occassionally you do wonder what children born of you would be like. For me this day actually served as a reminder of what might have been. I am not sure I wanted that reminder.

I am happy for the day to allow those that want to mourn to mourn but for me it is a painful reminder of the embryos and cycles that did not work and all the pain we went through.

My comments seem to contradict themselves but as a DI Dad I also don't want to highlight the day as I don't want my children to think of themselves as the best daddy could get setting them up to think I love them less because they are DI. I don't. I love them more and can't imagine life without them. At this point I don't want any life but one with them in it.

In Judaism, on the anniversary of a loved one's death we are required to say Kaddish, a prayer for the dead. Interestingly enough the prayer never mentions death but focuses on extolling the greatness of G-d without whom the life we are mourning would never have existed. So in that vein I offer the Engllish translation of the last line of that prayer:

He who creates peace in His celestial heights, may He create peace for us and for all [Israel]; and say, Amen.

O-seh Sho-lom Bim-ro-mov hu ya-a-se sho-lom O-lay-nu v'al kol yis-ro-ayl v'im-ru o-mayn.