Fears, Failure, Faith

Chanukkah 2019

This year, the last few years actually, we have seen an increase in bigotry and hatred in this country. In the last week there have been several antisemitic acts or attacks just in the NYC area. 

My children were each raised in my faith, Judaism, but between the divorce, their own issues, etc their connection to my faith, the faith of their donor, has drifted away. 

This year I lit the candles but for one night that their half sibling brother was in the apartment where he happily lit the candles even though he was not strictly raised in this faith. 

There are many fears that dads to donor insemination kids hold. Failure at being a dad teaching dad things is one of them. This is not strictly a DI related issue. But it's part of me and something I had hoped to pass on to my children, a love for the faith I grew up in and something that very much defines who I am as an individual.

This year it is more important that Jews don't disappear out of fear. We need to stand up and say here we are. Hate and bigotry have no space and must be confronted. The Chanukkah candles are more than a celebration of a miracle that happened in Israel long ago. They are an affirmation that what is right must be stood up for.

But here I am today feeling that I failed as a father, as a dad. My kids have a lot going on as we all do.  Religion brings us a faith to cling to. What I generally take from this season is that all people share a common love for principles of goodness. Put aside the commercialism. 

As a dad I try to be there. As a dad to donor insemination kids I try to parent by example and to guide them along the way. Tonight I am sad in that something this year was lost. Maybe not forever but as a parent that is how I feel tonight.  

Ramblings. 

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Female Sperm Donor?

I will read this but I believe the Trans Man was born a woman. His non binary partner was born a woman. The female sperm donor was born a man I am betting.

Ok the article does not confirm my bet. Must be though. Very confusing. As long as the kid can grow up well adjusted and make its own decisions. The whole let the kid decide stuff I disagree with on some levels I must admit. But not debating any of that here.

Not a Creature Was Stirring ..

Ok, it's no longer Christmas but it was the 6th night of Chanukkah and I gave three teenagers in my apt, my two plus their half sibling brother N.

As usual Z and J are fighting, amazingly i got all three to go the market with my cash as I have a broken ankle.

N flew in before Christmas and the trio have been at my ex-wife's apartment until yesterday. Z took N around Manhattan a bit. A mix of tourist spots and some teenage vintage wear shopping.

Three kids and a crutch bearing adult in a small apt is a bit too tight for five nights but we will make it work. N did light the menorah for Chanukkah upon my request. My two were disinterested or currently mad at me. I think he enjoyed doing so.

I am up early because I am and my ankle prevented any worthwhile sleep for any tangible amount of time. Wearing a two pound medical boot 24/7 is not helping.

More updates to come. I am hoping to get the annual hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil photo of these three but am thinking that is now at the long shot to not happening stage.

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Your Dad is Still Your Dad ... But Not Always

Reading stories like this are tough. Most that I see involve scenarios like this one where the dad is gone and the individual learns later they are donor conceived. 

A few years back I had a fight with one of my kids. Not even sure which one. I got the "you're not even my real dad" line. The one I had been preparing myself for for years. I held firm and was fine but it still hurt. 

Reading this I felt this young woman's pain. But at the same time I understand her desire. Melissa Daniels know you're dad would understand if I may speak for him.

Part of this roller coaster ride is to be strong enough for our kids.  There may or may not be pain and awkwardness but the goal is to raise good people. The goal is to love them no matter what. Part of this journey is growing. Them and us. But our job as parents is to be there for them. That's how I look at all this.

https://www.wearedonorconceived.com/personal-stories/your-dad-is-still-your-dad/

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The US Needs A Sperm Donor Registry and Overall Industry Regulation

For many reasons this country needs increased regulation around the sperm donor industry. One of these regulations includes the need for a sperm donor registry.  A registry is needed for a number of reasons including to ensure that donors are not overused and to monitor and standardize screening methods and testing. For too long the government agencies that should monitor this industry, and is just that, have ceded self regulation to the ASRM which is nothing more in effect than an industry group, whose purpose is to lobby and ensure no outside regulation is enabled which would monitor the industry. 

Read the article. The Fox TV show Almost Family adds in its comedy and adult themes to attract viewers. It does touch upon many of the issues donor conceived individuals deal with. As it moves forward I am interested to see how it addresses the topics more in depth. 

https://slate.com/technology/2019/10/almost-family-fox-sperm-donor-registry.html

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Male Infertility: What to Know and How to Cope - NYT Parenting

Generally a well laid out article addressing male infertility. The last section touches on "other options" when MFI is untreatable including adoption and donor sperm. However this section was extremely abbreviated and really only states it gives the individual some control. No discussion regarding what donor conception means to the individual created or the responsibilities of the parents using donor sperm to create their family. So much more could could have been said especially since this is as I understood it a Parenting column and not simply a baby creation column.

https://parenting.nytimes.com/becoming-a-parent/male-infertility

Laura High, Comedian, Sperm Donor Baby

So I come across this video by a young female comedian who is video chronicling her story as a sperm donor baby and being contacted by a half sibling sister. Interesting start. Looking forward to following and watching.

https://youtu.be/MulNRjGEPY8

Another 23andMe Discovery Story

There are many stories out there of 

Donor Conceived adult learning that secret that changes their lives and can alter their relationships to the parent they always knew as Dad or Mom. This is one. One of many reasons my personal belief is openness and telling our children their donor conception story.  Best viewed in Vimeo. 

	Amber van Moessner (@moxieingreen)
4/26/19, 7:05 AM Two years ago my whole life changed with a ⁦‪@23andMe‬⁩ test. This short film explores the rabbit hole I fell into learning about the unfair and unregulated practices of the US #ReproductiveMedicine industry 🧬vimeo.com/331831472 #DCPRights

Download the Twitter app

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Donor Conception and US Citizenship

The article is an interesting one as it highlights current positions taken by the State Department with regards to children born outside the country to same sex parents via surrogacy and donor conception. How much of this is political position of changing State Dept administrations who can say. Just another complication to address and be aware of if this is the path chosen.

https://jewishweek.timesofisrael.com/jewish-same-sex-couple-sues-state-dept-after-infant-daughter-denied-citizenship/

Infertility & Social Media - The Rise of Male Factor Social Media

Fifteen years ago I used to follow a lot of blogs dealing with infertility. At that time it was rare to see a male factor blog discussing infertility issues. There were a handful at best. 

Today it’s better but still rare. Then again today I am not searching them out as I was then. Even then I was not so much dealing directly with infertility as we had two kids. I was writing about my life trying to figure out what I meant to be dad and my responsibility to these kids. 

But when I come across a male factor oriented social media site especially one expecting a kid via donor sperm it pricks up my interest to learn more and probably to offer advice before it’s asked for. Sorry. Occupational hazard after so many years. 

My apologies in advance for my unproffered comments or info.  

Eric

Why are women so mean to infertile women?

Tonight I read this great article by Amy Klein addressing issues that infertile women go through. 

Upon reading it I tweeted the following two comments:

My Exwife dealt with some of this even thought it was I who was infertile. Choosing #DonorConception via #donorsperm was not easy for anyone. My DI Dad blog still gets negative comments even when I no longer actively post there.

Amy's article informs readers that while both men and women must face societal pressures regarding #infertility, women undergo society's backlash even where it's their male partners who are infertile. Society today seems set up to be critical of women. 

Men and women address infertility in different ways. We process stress and societal expectations differently.  Men tend to bottle it up and don't look for outlets discuss their pain. Women look for outlets but often are derided when in a forum that is not geared for positive help.  It's not an easy topic. 

Read the article whatever gender you are it's worth reading. 

https://lareviewofbooks.org/article/why-are-women-so-mean-to-infertile-women/

#infertility #infertilewomen #infertilemen #amyklein 

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When The Doctor is the Sperm Donor

When you read these stories you are heartbroken for these individuals. 

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/21/health/sperm-donors-fraud-doctors.html

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Their Donor’s Voice

Earlier this week I began to play a recording of the kid's donor's voice to them at the same time. Their reaction was not what I expected.

Before we chose our kid's donor we purchased a CD that contained an audio interview he participated in with a cryobank rep. I eventually had the interview transcribed.

I had planned to first let the kids read the transcript and then when I thought them mature enough play the audio. That changed and I offered to play the audio letting them follow the interview along with the printed text.

My son a few months back had listened on my phone to a snippet of the audio available on the cryobank's website. At that time his eyes had lit up in wonder. His sister at that time had been texting with their known half siblings about searching for the donor and when emails came in from 23 and Me regarding new connections she had wanted to know immediately.

So far the only confirmed connection via 23 and Me has been M their half sibling sister.

Anyhow at 17 and 15, I thought this Summer a good time for them to listen to the entire audio interview. About 20 minutes in length.

I brought home two printed copies of the transcript. I had the interview on a small cassette tape I had sent it to the transcription service on so it was easy play without dropping in into the CD player etc.

They each were ready. They listened for five minutes. I think got bored with the questions being asked. Z noted he sounded like a nice guy. Both were done and wanted to resume whatever they were doing. She binging a TV show. He playing video games on line. Very anticlimactic. I think I was let down more as I wanted to see them react. I said ok and our evening continued.

Ok they know I have it. Z kept the written transcript. Maybe she read it later. I have not asked. Again I found this interesting.

My goal is never to force them into anything. But to know I am here if they have questions. And that they can listen to his voice and know it's here if they are interested.

Their Donor’s Voice

Earlier this week I began to play a recording of the kid's donor's voice to them at the same time. Their reaction was not what I expected.

Before we chose our kid's donor we purchased a CD that contained an audio interview he participated in with a cryobank rep. I eventually had the interview transcribed.

Father’s Day 2019

A Fathers Day Message.

For those men considering using donor sperm who are worried about whether they will bond with their donor conceived children. For those men with fears that their kids will consider them a fraud.

First off I don't look or think of my kids as my donor conceived children. They are simply my kids. Soon enough they will be young adults. But right now they are both teenagers. You think the terrible twos were an issue? Just wait. I am sort of kidding.

Back to fears. Years ago I wrote an essay talking about fears. It was published in a book called Voices of Donor Conception. In 2007, I published on my blog a YouTube reading of that essay. I look crazy tired in the video. My kids were then 5 and 3 and running me ragged. I still worried about a lot of the fears as they were too little to fully understand their conception story. They knew it but did not fully get it.

http://di-dad.blogspot.com/2007/03/my-fears-second-submission-to.html?m=1

With 12 more years of living now under my belt I can very clearly say all of my fears were unfounded. They are now 17 and 15. Yes I may still worry from time to time. But my kids know who dad is. They know they have a donor and he is out there somewhere. They know they have and have met their two known half siblings and yearly spend parts of vacations with one or the other.

I am more settled and so are they. Certainly they have their moments and I know as they get older those moments will turn to deeper introspection as to who they are. Who they come from. And what they may find missing. It won't be easy but I can say they know I will support them and be there for them. That is all I can ask and hope for.

As I have in past blog posts I thank my donor for the gift of these two young people. I no longer fear him. If my kids find him and he is willing I will accept their need to begin a relationship with him if that is their desire. They know I am Dad and I know they believe that. We have gone through too much of day to day life and a divorce and they know how much I love them.

http://di-dad.blogspot.com/2014/06/my-2007-fathers-day-post.html?m=0

Life is not easy. Parenthood is not easy. Everything takes work. Fears disappear and fade when you are an active loving parent. That does not mean there won't be bumps or that your children will brush aside their need to know more. They won't. Many can't. It's unfair to ask them too. Be present. Be supporting. Listen. Pay attention to their needs. It's amazing that as a parent how much of our happiness is tied to theirs. Knowing that give them the best life you can. Sometimes that just means don't let fears prevent you from being dad or a parent.

Genetic Identity Day

#GeneticIdentityDay

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New Bachelorette Contestant Sperm Donor to 114

If this man does not highlight the need for reform and regulation I don't know what does. 114 lives that have to mentally process that their biological father would do this. Truthfully it's the cryobanks that encouraged him and sold his gametes. Negligent on their part. All 114 through one cryobank? Guessing we will know soon enough.

To tout this accomplishment nationally like this is beyond altruism, should be negligent on the part of the cryobank, and probably narcissistic on the part of this young man.

https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2019/05/bachelorette-contestant-114-kids-sperm-donor/589258/

Then and Now - The Same Pain

On October 22, 2005, in Ontario, Canada, Diane Allen and the Infertility Network, hosted the first donor conception seminar I ever attended. Yesterday, 13 plus years later I heard the same pain from a number of donor conceived individuals.

The issues are the same. Recognition. Rights. Stigma. Ethics of donor conception.

Yesterday, I attended, here in NYC, co-hosted by the Center for Bio-Ethics at NYU and the New York Institute for Philosophy, a seminar titled The Ethics of Donor Conception. I only heard about via Twitter that morning. The first day was a Friday and I walked in at the start of the day two afternoon sessions.

Over the last 14 years the issues are generally the same although the reality and impact are highly polarized partially due to various factors including a now social media centered society where donor conceived individuals can meet and find each other via increasing usage of genetic DNA sites as well as websites and apps connecting individuals. Case law and statutory law over the years has impacted the parentage and legal responsibilities of all family configurations but especially single parent, same sex parent and now also poly and non binary parenting.

The seminar though suggested by a donor conceived individual was organized as an academic exercise for theoretical "natterers" to present papers and conclusions to other academics. But when such seminars are a rare occasion in the USA it attracted a healthy amount of donor conceived adults and young adults. A handful of psychologist and caregivers and I learned one other parent who was there on day one. I was the only non bio parent of DC individuals in the room.

Aside from the presentations and and the perfunctory questions from those academics attending or other presenters what I heard was pain and anger from the donor conceived in the room. Pain as to their loss. Pain as to why their rights are not being recognized and pain at how a few of the presentations could not recognize the real humanity affected.

I will say this that with a good 25-30 plus donor conceived individuals in attendance it became a lesson for the academics as they were schooled by the folks living this stuff.

I only saw two sessions. The first a good review of how parentage laws interact with laws addressing pro creative issues. The case law in this area has for years been driven by cases involving parental separation which is a shame rather than the thoughtful promulgation of neutral and fair statutes. The speaker has been involved in the creation of uniform model statutes then amended as individual states adopt such legislation. I thought interesting.

The second session was a purely academic exercise by an academic discussing whether responsibilities can be transferred vs delegates and it took the long way through various non DC hypotheticals to be applied to donor conception cases and I felt needed to be humanized more. Well intentioned for academics but not for real persons.

I would love to develop a seminar conference that addressed issues from the views and needs of families and individuals living this stuff. Like anything it's making the time.

Overall very happy to attend. It re energized my desire to write. Met some nice people that I would like to follow their activism and contribute where it makes sense to do so.

My main wish is that I can get more parents of kids to attend these kind of seminars so they can interact with adult donor conceived individuals to hear their views and points of concern.

One thing to note is that it's the academics and practicing attorneys with connections to legislatures that can shape the future and reform regulation. There need to be increased partnerships that can design middle of the road uniform legislation that make steps forward. Radical left reform won't sell in conservative state. The ASRM and infertility industry will continue to plod along affecting too many lives without regulation unless the issues are presented thoughtfully making people recognize and see the pain.

As the lead professor stated the press loves the feel good donor conception stories of siblings finding each other and instant connections especially of young children and teens that have not yet dealt with the questions or pain. Pain I saw again 13 years after I first saw it at a small conference, not so unlike this one, but now there is Twitter and Facebook and DNA testing.




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From Instagram DonorConceived

I am still here !

Life as Dad to DI Kids generally is just Life as Dad or Life as Divorced Dad of Teens. We have not focused too much lately on any donor conception discussions in our house. 

Although Z wants to visit her half sibling brother or he come to NYC so they can see a concert together. They seem to connect over music. 

Otherwise all is generally quiet.   More later. I promise.