Crying for What I Always Wanted

Tonight I was speaking to a couple dealing with male factor infertility issues. During the call my wife reminded me that on several occasions after our first child was born I would break down crying wishing he was my own. While I do not recall the exact circumstances of these moments I do now clearly remember crying several times, if not more, wanting to be his actual dad.

I think each of these moments were very early in the first few months of his life when I was still somewhat overwhelmed that we had actually made it that far and we actually had a baby. Like any dad, I recall how beautiful my son was to me and for how long we wanted him. On the day of his bris after most of the guests left, I was sitting with a friend, who also had male factor issues, and I just started crying in disbelief that I had a son. This instance was different from the others that followed I believe.

Now almost 4 years later I know I am my children’s only father (socially if not genetically) so the concept of crying wishing for this fact to be true seems strange but I do recall the pain and joy that I felt during those occurrences. As I have stated in other posts I cannot imagine my kids being any different nor would I want them to be but I do now recall those feelings and crying, at times uncontrollably.

I do not recall any such episodes after the birth of our daughter. Don't get me wrong I certainly cried as any father does at the birth of their kids. And I certainly love her no less than our son but at the point of her birth the concept of DI and the knowledge of my role as her father was already entrenched in my mind. If G-d were to tell me today that by some miracle I was actually the genetic father to these two kids I believe my reaction would be that the love I have them already could not be increased therefore the reality of such news would be irrelevant.