This morning my son crawled into my bed and I called my daughter to join us stating I wanted all my children in bed with me. My son then stated, out of the blue that I am not his biological dad and that I am a stranger. Now I know he as a 9 year old likes saying things at times to get a rise out of me. I stated that he is right that biologically I am not their dad but asked why he responded like this now. He stated it was my statement about "all my children".
It's amazing how a simple statement, despite it's truth, and how long I have been dealing with this, still hurts.
He stated something that he has been having conversations with his mom. I didn't quite get what he said was in those conversations and I will be asking her.
I asked him after we got out of bed what prompted this again and again he stated it was my "all my children" statement. I told him I loved him and although I love him very much the stranger statement still stung. He replied how do I know you're not lying. Here I know he is baiting me but still what makes kids say things you never know.
Definitely want to speak to their mom.
Update:
One thing I should make clear is that the kid's mom and I have always been in agreement in how we discuss the donor and my being the kid's dad. She and I actually spoke this morning and I know she has never nor woud she ever use words like stranger when discussing my relationship to the children.
I think my son, in his choice of the word stranger, was simply looking for a word to mean "not biological". He did ask me about the donor and I did not know what to say as we only know what we know from the profiles. We are all good now. Had a good trip to camp and drop off.
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8 comments:
I'm sure that stung. You're right though; he's doing this to get a rise out of you (in all liklihood). However, yeah, talk to their mom. It wouldn't be fair for her to bait you behind your back like that. That would hurt even more. Sending lots of hugs as you deal with this. And crossing my fingers it blows over soon.
Hey Gil - As I implied in the comment, the children's mom would never use any of this to bait me. I called her and she knew his statement had upset me when I described the conversation. It just shows me he has been thinking about this stuff. Eight to ten are the ages when the issues realy begin to sink in from what I understand.
Yowch!
I know I dread those kind of comments, I can only imagine how my husband would feel about them.
Eric,
I can imagine how much that must have stung. I think you're right this age is the time when all of the sudden "we" start thinking about these kinds of things and what it means to us and our identity and how we relate to those around us, including our families.
I would definitely question their mom just to be sure she is not putting ideas in his head, but it's most likely he's at the age where kids begin to think of donor conception and their own conception in a higher level. It also, perhaps unfortunately, coincides with the age which kids begin to test their parents and push boundaries and start on the "I hate you" phase. It's all a part of growing up.
You just need to remind him how much you do love him and that while you're not biologically his father, you're his daddy. I think it's good to note that, at least in my opinion there's my dad and there's my father. My dad can't be my father and my father can't be my dad. They're both separate but important people, and it's a distinction that most anyone else doesn't need to make.
Perhaps the separation is also beginning to really hit him too and it's a defense strategy to protect himself from getting hurt.
This weekend the kids helped me put flyers under the doors in our building looking for another sublet so I can live close to their mom and our old apartment and I think perhaps he is worried again about how far away I may have to move. It has really been a luxury for the kids to have their parents living in two apts in the same building. I am wondering if this is also what is in his mind.
Thank you to each of you for your comments and support ! It all means a lot to me.
Very similar in my opinion was when my 5-year-old DC son started a DI conversationby aasking me why he is so much like me (he is) if he is not "made out of" me. He then proceeded to ask me whether, because he was "made out of" the donor's daddy part, wasn't the donor his "real daddy"? I told him that it depended on what he meant by "real" and asked him whether it felt to him like I was his "real daddy." Fortunately, he said it did. I told him that whatever he was made out of, he most certainly felt like "my son" to me. Except for the conversations where an older child is trying to "get a rise" out of a parent, I think most of these conversations are opportunities to express love for our children and support for their curiosity about their origins.
It's practically destined for us DI-kids to do this to our fathers at some point. Honestly, it's the best, most sure-fire way to get a rise out of you dads. Kids love making their parents angry, because it gives them a bit of control.
I only remember a few times that I said something similar to my dad, and I regret each instance. In time, your son will feel the same, I'm sure.
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