Wednesday, September 18, 2019

Donor Conception and US Citizenship

The article is an interesting one as it highlights current positions taken by the State Department with regards to children born outside the country to same sex parents via surrogacy and donor conception. How much of this is political position of changing State Dept administrations who can say. Just another complication to address and be aware of if this is the path chosen.

Friday, September 06, 2019

Infertility & Social Media - The Rise of Male Factor Social Media

Fifteen years ago I used to follow a lot of blogs dealing with infertility. At that time it was rare to see a male factor blog discussing infertility issues. There were a handful at best. 

Today it’s better but still rare. Then again today I am not searching them out as I was then. Even then I was not so much dealing directly with infertility as we had two kids. I was writing about my life trying to figure out what I meant to be dad and my responsibility to these kids. 

But when I come across a male factor oriented social media site especially one expecting a kid via donor sperm it pricks up my interest to learn more and probably to offer advice before it’s asked for. Sorry. Occupational hazard after so many years. 

My apologies in advance for my unproffered comments or info.  


Why are women so mean to infertile women?

Tonight I read this great article by Amy Klein addressing issues that infertile women go through. 

Upon reading it I tweeted the following two comments:

My Exwife dealt with some of this even thought it was I who was infertile. Choosing #DonorConception via #donorsperm was not easy for anyone. My DI Dad blog still gets negative comments even when I no longer actively post there.

Amy's article informs readers that while both men and women must face societal pressures regarding #infertility, women undergo society's backlash even where it's their male partners who are infertile. Society today seems set up to be critical of women. 

Men and women address infertility in different ways. We process stress and societal expectations differently.  Men tend to bottle it up and don't look for outlets discuss their pain. Women look for outlets but often are derided when in a forum that is not geared for positive help.  It's not an easy topic. 

Read the article whatever gender you are it's worth reading. 

#infertility #infertilewomen #infertilemen #amyklein 

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, August 22, 2019

Sunday, August 18, 2019

Their Donor’s Voice

Earlier this week I began to play a recording of the kid's donor's voice to them at the same time. Their reaction was not what I expected.

Before we chose our kid's donor we purchased a CD that contained an audio interview he participated in with a cryobank rep. I eventually had the interview transcribed.

I had planned to first let the kids read the transcript and then when I thought them mature enough play the audio. That changed and I offered to play the audio letting them follow the interview along with the printed text.

My son a few months back had listened on my phone to a snippet of the audio available on the cryobank's website. At that time his eyes had lit up in wonder. His sister at that time had been texting with their known half siblings about searching for the donor and when emails came in from 23 and Me regarding new connections she had wanted to know immediately.

So far the only confirmed connection via 23 and Me has been M their half sibling sister.

Anyhow at 17 and 15, I thought this Summer a good time for them to listen to the entire audio interview. About 20 minutes in length.

I brought home two printed copies of the transcript. I had the interview on a small cassette tape I had sent it to the transcription service on so it was easy play without dropping in into the CD player etc.

They each were ready. They listened for five minutes. I think got bored with the questions being asked. Z noted he sounded like a nice guy. Both were done and wanted to resume whatever they were doing. She binging a TV show. He playing video games on line. Very anticlimactic. I think I was let down more as I wanted to see them react. I said ok and our evening continued.

Ok they know I have it. Z kept the written transcript. Maybe she read it later. I have not asked. Again I found this interesting.

My goal is never to force them into anything. But to know I am here if they have questions. And that they can listen to his voice and know it's here if they are interested.

Their Donor’s Voice

Earlier this week I began to play a recording of the kid's donor's voice to them at the same time. Their reaction was not what I expected.

Before we chose our kid's donor we purchased a CD that contained an audio interview he participated in with a cryobank rep. I eventually had the interview transcribed.

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Father’s Day 2019

A Fathers Day Message.

For those men considering using donor sperm who are worried about whether they will bond with their donor conceived children. For those men with fears that their kids will consider them a fraud.

First off I don't look or think of my kids as my donor conceived children. They are simply my kids. Soon enough they will be young adults. But right now they are both teenagers. You think the terrible twos were an issue? Just wait. I am sort of kidding.

Back to fears. Years ago I wrote an essay talking about fears. It was published in a book called Voices of Donor Conception. In 2007, I published on my blog a YouTube reading of that essay. I look crazy tired in the video. My kids were then 5 and 3 and running me ragged. I still worried about a lot of the fears as they were too little to fully understand their conception story. They knew it but did not fully get it.

With 12 more years of living now under my belt I can very clearly say all of my fears were unfounded. They are now 17 and 15. Yes I may still worry from time to time. But my kids know who dad is. They know they have a donor and he is out there somewhere. They know they have and have met their two known half siblings and yearly spend parts of vacations with one or the other.

I am more settled and so are they. Certainly they have their moments and I know as they get older those moments will turn to deeper introspection as to who they are. Who they come from. And what they may find missing. It won't be easy but I can say they know I will support them and be there for them. That is all I can ask and hope for.

As I have in past blog posts I thank my donor for the gift of these two young people. I no longer fear him. If my kids find him and he is willing I will accept their need to begin a relationship with him if that is their desire. They know I am Dad and I know they believe that. We have gone through too much of day to day life and a divorce and they know how much I love them.

Life is not easy. Parenthood is not easy. Everything takes work. Fears disappear and fade when you are an active loving parent. That does not mean there won't be bumps or that your children will brush aside their need to know more. They won't. Many can't. It's unfair to ask them too. Be present. Be supporting. Listen. Pay attention to their needs. It's amazing that as a parent how much of our happiness is tied to theirs. Knowing that give them the best life you can. Sometimes that just means don't let fears prevent you from being dad or a parent.

Thursday, May 30, 2019

Monday, May 13, 2019

New Bachelorette Contestant Sperm Donor to 114

If this man does not highlight the need for reform and regulation I don't know what does. 114 lives that have to mentally process that their biological father would do this. Truthfully it's the cryobanks that encouraged him and sold his gametes. Negligent on their part. All 114 through one cryobank? Guessing we will know soon enough.

To tout this accomplishment nationally like this is beyond altruism, should be negligent on the part of the cryobank, and probably narcissistic on the part of this young man.