Movie Review: Starbuck - He Fathered 533 Kids...

The following is a post I just left on the Facebook group "Donor Conceived Offspring, Siblings, Parents":

Hello everyone. I am a dad to two children conceived via DI. For years I wrote a blog about just that and occasionally still post there. Last night I went to see the French Canadian film Starbuck From the trailer I expected it to be in movie terms a farce, and point of it were just that. 

It is a cute film and while the plot does involve the desire of 142 DC offspring trying to learn Starbuck's identity the film focuses more on the view of Starbuck and his attempts to act as "dad" while not giving up his true identity. I don't want to give away too much of what happens as it is a very sweet movie. Unrealistic perhaps but it does demonstrate that familial bonds develope in a lot of different ways. One scene where Starbuck does make a statement to his "children / offspring" is quite poignant and leads to several succeeding events.

Years ago as a non-biological dad I may have been threatened by the idea of my kids meeting their donor. I don't believe I am anymore but as they are still young it is unclear whether they will have any desire to meet him much less pursue a relationship. In the movie the feelings of the young adult children about their social parent was handled well, if not perhaps quickly, as it was not the point of the story or adding to the basic comedy that was the genre of this film.

We have seen a lot of sperm donor movies over the last few years most with happy scripted endings and this one does not break from the pattern. Most have dealt with the mother ending up, inadvertently with the actual donor. Others have been just as controverted. This ending was satisfying and cute. In the scheme of things it may not add anything to the debates we all have on this topic and our lives but for a couple of hours it is innocent fun (and at points very sweet) and allows us to feel good.

It should be started the movie opens with a totally unneeded scene of Starbuck in the clinic trying to donate. The typical jokes and his "trying" which we did not need to see.  Should have been edited out.  It is probably the only scene I had an issue with and one I would not let young children see. 


As with all movie reviews, and commentary on this topic so close to home, for all of us I expect there will be contrary opinions and I am open to hear them. What is your opinion of this movie and others of what has become a sub-genre all on its own?

Two DI News Stories: Kansas, Monica Cruz

Kansas

Over the last few weeks I have read a number of articles regarding a case in Kansas where a known donor was used by a lesbian couple where he signed papers giving up his right to the child but now the Kansas courts are requiring him to pay child support.

In short, Kansas law does not allow a same sex partner to adopt the child of their partner.  Louis Sternberg's blog summarized the best how the Courts came to their decision and the reason why.  It has nothing to do with their position on donor conception:

When [the birth mother] applied for state health insurance for the child, Kansas demanded to know the identity of the father. Kansas law, like New York, allows the state to seek child support on behalf of a custodial parent when that custodial parent is receiving certain state-sponsored financial benefits such as health insurance. Angela de Rocha, a spokeswoman for the Kansas Department for Children and Families said “all individuals who apply for taxpayer-funded benefits through DCF are asked to cooperate with child support enforcement efforts” and that “DCF is required by statute to establish paternity and then pursue child support from the non-custodial parent.”

Sternberg's blog actually states that under Kansas law that if the insemination was done by a licensed physician (it was not here) the donor would have been held harmless.

New York law considers me the natural father to my two DI children as I was married to their mother when they were born.  Now that I am not here I am paying child support.  No chance for me to get our donor to help out I guess. Lucky guy.


Monica Cruz

I was amused to learn that model Monica Cruz, the actress Penelope Cruz's nearly identical younger sister, decided that she no longer wanted to wait to find the man of her dreams to start a family and turned to donor insemination.   There are a lot of comments I can make to this story but many of them would get me in trouble.  I wish her and her baby well.  

2013 - Happy New Year

2012 has come and gone.  I only posted here 5 times in 2012.  I had hoped I would improve on my 2011 count of 41.  But it was not to be.  I am sitting here wondering what does that mean?   My divorce was finalized early in 2012 so that was not an issue in my writing less as it had been in 2009 and 2010.  Overall it must be that the issues of donor conception were not as pressing to my day to day life as they had been in earlier years. 

I also have not contributed as much to the Yahoo DI Dads group as I had in prior years.  At his point the group is somewhat self supporting.  There are a key group of dads there who are great and provide great feedback for those men looking for help.

So why do I come back here?  Probably because as my kids get older I expect the questions to increase.  They have not yet.  My kids are now going on 11 and 9.  Their relationships with their half siblings are those of distant cousins.  In truth they have been asking to see their female half sibling as it's been a couple of years since they have physically gotten together. 

But what about me?  What are my needs, my thoughts?  I am not sure.  When I see news stories on the topic I certainly have defiined opinions, defined positions.  I have not been active in the donor conception community in some time.

I still toy with the desire to memorialize all this into a book, updating key posts from over the years, and my thoughts.  I expect my activity will increase as the teenage years hit.  In the mean time I wanted to ask what topics you as the visiting reader would want addressed that perhaps you have not found if you have surfed through this site.  I apologize as the early years of this site did not have topic tagging as the recent years do.

Thank you and Happy 2013 ! 

Stupid Word Choices...

Somehow I find myself watching The Back-Up Plan with Jennifer Lopez.  In this flick she uses a sperm donor and is pregnant with twins. She then meets a great guy and fall in love.  By chance he is her sperm donor.  Anyhow at one point he states the twins she is carrying are not his. The stupid word choice.  She gets scared he wants to walk away and dumps him.  Being a romantic comedy you know they eventually get back together.

The truth is every DI Dad has stupidly said these words before the baby was born.  There has not been a day after my kids were born that I have thought that.  They are my kids.  Hadn't been here in a while so figured wanted to check in.

Did We Roll The Genetic Dice ?

On May 14, 2012, The New York Times ran an article titled "In Choosing a Sperm Donor, A Roll of the Genetic Dice".  The article details the plight of several families whose children due possibly to a lack of testing or screening developed diseases that possibly are due to the donor's sperm.  It is another of the NYT articles on the topic written over the years that I feel couples planning / considering using donor insemination should read before going down this path.


I say it is a must read not so much to scare anyone away from this family building option but moreso that the couple thinks about what questions to ask the cryobank before buying vials of sperm.  Those questions may be different for each couple.


My own feelings are that the questions should include the following:


(1) Does the donor bio state what tests were run on the sample?
(2) Does the cryobank publicly list what tests are run on each donor and thesamples taken?(3) When was the donor sperm donated ? and was it donated to this bank directlyor to a previous bank?


The article has opened up a debate on the DI Dads Yahoo Group regarding the veracity of documentation of issues resulting from the lack of testing of donor sperm.  For many diseases to manifest themselves it would take both the donor and the mother to carry the traits or genes for the disease.  Even if a donor was found to be carrier, who knows if the couple trying to have the children is even aware if the mother might be a carrier as well.




I am not sure how anything can be statistically proven unless more families are encouraged to report live births and/or issues back to their cryobanks or a central registry.   People value their privacy and regulation and legislation are seen as impeding on privacy which is another roadblock to effective reporting of issue beyond simple (or not so simple) testing of the donor at the source. 


Again I offer the article as another resource for issues that should be discussed.  So far the roll of the dice my ex and I took regarding our children has turned out lucky sevens so far.  G-d willing that won't change as they grow older.

Drug Store Chain To Sell OTC Sperm Test

I admit I am curious. I don't feel the need to purchase the test myself and take the test but I am curious. My need to have kids, biologically or otherwise, I believe is done. Maybe if I were to remarry but doubtful. But I am curious I admit. What are your thoughts?

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-02-07/sperm-test-at-walgreen-seen-plugging-infertility-gap-retail.html

Scientists Grow Sperm in Laboratory Dish

Interesting article. Certainly encouraging. Not sure how I feel about the germ cells being hosted by a live mouse.

I'd be concerned that my son could be Stuart Little if they could not assure me that the human sperm retrieved would include no mouse cells. Shades of Jurasic Park concerns. But science is amazing.

Who would have thoughts years ago that even ICSI was possible and successful. So someday I am sure this or a variant will be an option.