DSR Book: Finding Our Families

The book "Finding Our Families" written by Wendy Kramer, founder of the Donor Sibling Registry, comes out today. Am finally ordering my copy. 

I will try to post later texts from reviews etc. The reviews have ALL been great. 

Review: "Style Exposed: Sperm Donor"

I watched the "Style Exposed: Sperm Donor" episode yesterday evening. I enjoyed watching it. From a posting by Wendy Kramer of the Donor Sibling Registry, to the Yahoo DSR Discussion group, the continued showing of this episode on Style has yielded more donor signing up on the DSR than I believe usually do in a single year. Which has resulted in numerous matches between donors and offspring.

There are only 4 more scheduled showings of the episode on the Style Network. The last one this Friday at 1:00 am. [UPDATE: watch it here above or here]

Certainly seeing Adriene's and Kris's meeting and connecting was great to see and feel a part of. Watching Adriene talk with her dad and mom about her feelings for her dad despite his not being her biological donor dad was very touching and comforting. The connection she felt for Kris, her half sibling, was palpable and rewarding to see. You could see the joy in Kris's face having Adriene there for her big day.

The other half of the episode involved watching Ben Seisler, former donor, from Boston address the fact he has at least 74 offspring and balancing the concerns and fears that his fiance was herself having. At the same time he himself was dealing with his own thoughts and concerns meeting for the first time with two children conceived from his sperm.

He seemed like a man who honestly was trying to find his way. As he said to his fiance there is no guide book for this. The concerns I have for them is how does he balance his desire to provide info to these families and balance his life as a married man. There is a danger that this could create a divide in his marriage.

At the same time a number of these donor families, if Ben allows more to meet him, will want him to be a presence on some level in the lives of their children. It would appear so from just this one family. Not all will want contact but even if a few do it will be something he has to address if he plans to on treating these kids as clinically as he intended to before he met family one.

My own thoughts are the episode was a positive step to getting the stories out there and certainly it encouraged more donors to step forward. Will more donor family stories follow? Certainly the DSR hopes so and so do I. But will the general public, and advertising sponsors, have a desire to see a periodic series? I am not sure they would.

There is no guide for this.

Debate: One Donor 150 Offspring

In the past week the NY Times ran a piece titled "One Donor 150 Children". That article can be found here.

The TODAY show the next day ran a video segment about the article speaking with Wendy Kramer of the Donor Sibling Registry from her home in Colorado and an in studio guest bio-ethicist. Both woman are moms to donor conceived children.

The ensuing debate has lead to a NY Times on-line debate among ten parties associated with the industry or interested groups. I encourage everyone to read the debate HERE and come back and let me know what you think. I was struck how of all the experts and individuals only one parent was asked for their opinion and that was Wendy Kramer. The doctor who contributes was the doctor that helped my wife and I conceive our kids.

Wendy's op-ed contribution was co-written with Naomi R. Cahn a law professor at George Washington University and the author of “Test Tube Families: Why the Fertility Market Needs Legal Regulation.” Their piece suggested a three prong approach at regulation, (1) required data base and tracking by the industry of donors, births, etc, (2) limnitation on the number of children that can be born from a single donor, and (3) limited disclosure of a donor's identity (i.e. reconsidering the practice of donor anonymity).

I must admit of the debate I have read so far I am amazed how some of the writers can't look beyond the donor industry and insurance company point of view and the truth of the numbers to focus on what is best for the offspring. Yes people will find limitations put before them in their quest to have a family but as a parent I think looking back, if successful, the speed bumps reform will bring will be recognized for the greater benefiit it provides society and the offspring.

My Full Review of "Donor Unknown" - A Must See

This morning I posted my initial reactions to the new indie film “Donor Unknown” that premiered this week at the Tribeca Film Festival. Now I am posting my second set of reactions based on notes I took while watching the film. Overall I am still very impressed by the movie. I have questions though, comments and observations. Spoiler alert as I am discussing specifics of the movie.

Lies re Not Telling

Sibling Daniele Pagano stated in the film that her parents did not tell her until she was 13 that she was donor conceived and she was angry at being lied at. I wished the film had explored those emotions further. Also of the six siblings we met, was Daniele the only sibling whose parents were a heterosexual couple? I think of the main five siblings she was but I was not sure. No direct effect on the movie’s premise of the siblings finding each other and finding and meeting their donor Jeffrey Harrison but still a fact I was interested in.

Dating Half Siblings

I was happy that the movie addressed Rachel’s concerns of dating a half sibling or blood relative. It is a valid concern of both the donor conceived individual and of their parents. Especially when as Wendy Kramer explained in the film that the “limits” promised by the sperm banks is not enforced and as she demonstrated by example that unrelated Donor 1476 had 58 offspring. Again not directly affecting the movie’s premise but was glad they addressed and brought out this issue.

Donation Rooms

When we started the process of choosing donors the first donor we used was from California Cryobank. We looked at both California and Fairfax as recommended by the clinic we were then working with. Cappy Rothman’s stroll from as he stated “Masterbation Room” to room was very creepy. Did he really say that or a variation of that? I don’t think the donor conceived or prospective parents really needed to see the pornographic images. I am glad the film makers showed it as he stated it but in reality these were images that these parties just really don’t want in our memories.

Donor Remuneration

Certainly the issue of donors being paid for their sperm was noted when Jeffrey Harrison, Donor 150, admitted that for years his payments helped him pay the rent. Although in his case I was happier to know the money paid his rent as opposed to your standard college student who uses the money to supplement their beer money. Jeffrey Harrison certainly appeared to have altruistic intentions mixed with his realization that this was an easier pay day than many jobs out there.

Donor Fantasies and Realities

Jeffrey Harrison as a donor and as a human being is certainly one of those people as he described that lives on the fringe of society. A self described fringe monkey. He seems like a man who honestly believes in truth (as he sees it) and living his life as a free spirit. The reactions to him by the siblings was compassionate and interested. Certainly it was clear that at least one sibling had no desire to meet him and felt that the contact initiated was enough to answer her questions. The honesty of the siblings as to whom they expected their donor would be was typical as I expect of all donor conceived fantasies of who and what their donor might be. In truth reality might now live up to expectations. This movie made that clear. But as a man this man helped bring these individuals together and his willingness to step forward is a gift.

Welcome to the Family

At this point my children refer to their half siblings as their brother and sister just as many of the movie’s siblings have decided to do. The amateur genealogist in me loved the chart that JoEllen put together showing the inter-family relationships that the Donor 150 siblings have to each other. It’s amazing to watch how quickly these young people seem to bond. Granted the movie condenses its presentation of the time these siblings found each other and the development of these relationships. The scene of four of the 14 known siblings in either Ryan or Roxanne’s California home was fun to watch.

I also enjoyed the scene where Fletcher’s mom states she is not yet into the new reality of the expanding family her son is now part of and that she is being drawn into. Her statement that Jeffrey must earn his place in the family is something I believe every parent (bio or social) immediately connects to but in reality the acceptance of Jeffrey, or any donor found, is up to the donor conceived individual’s and the parents will be dragged into accepting it or at least dealing with it.

The movie “The Kid’s Are All Right” demonstrated how the kid’s brought their donor into their home’s front door. The crazy affair entered into by Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo played more into the fantasy / horror that some parties have of what could happen if a donor is contacted and found. That story line was interesting as it played out like many movie play out infidelity fears and its effect on families. It just played with a same sex marriage being betrayed by one of its spouses. It was at that point that it was no longer a donor conception movie to me and destroyed any short term and possibly long term contact those teenagers might have had with their donor.

The images of Jeffrey riding bikes with JoEllen, Fletcher, and I believe Roxanne were great fun. I admit I did wonder whether this was suggested by one of the siblings or Jeffrey or perhaps the film makers.

In this movie, it is clear that a few of the siblings will maintain continued contact with Jeffrey and it is unclear if the others will or will not. It was also interesting and a bit sad at the end, after the siblings departed, when Jeffrey commented that it is “back to the birds” and that he still had his puppies.

In Summary

Overall I liked the movie and as I stated in my first post I think the movie did what it set out to do. It introduced us to how the siblings found each other (thanks to Wendy and Ryan once again for the DSR) and their first meeting with their donor. The courage of Jeffrey to step forward in reaction to the initial NY Times story must be applauded. Certainly not every donor would. His actions are the exception. His statement that it is the right of the [donor conceived] to meet or not should be the norm. The movie Donor Unknown should not be missed as it is a great step forward in addressing the underlying issues and putting real faces to the stories. Does it FULLY address and delve deeply into the hard core issues of anonymous donors, donor remuneration, cryobank screening of donors? No, but it brings the issues to the surface. It is not some cutesy romantic comedy / melodrama using donor conception as a prop to sell movie tickets claiming it is groundbreaking movie making. This movie stars the real kids and they were all right.

My Donor Sibling Registry T-Shirt

Back in October 2005 when I first attended the Canadian Infertility Network seminar regarding donor conception I bought anumber of books but passed on the above t-shirt which was for sale. At this year's conference the remaining shirts held by the Infertility Network were basically given away.

So I now own the shirt and occasionally wear it around the apartment. My kids have asked what it means and I have explained what it represents and that the DSR is how we found their half sibling. Their question answered they move on as young children will tend to do.

My wife however has asked me whether I have worn this shirt outside the apartment and actually would rather I do not. Her reasons focus on the fact that our using donor conception is nobody's business but our own and the kids and that I should not be advertising their story. Good points to say the least.

I then mention that maybe I'd wear the shirt at the Third Party Parenting Network meeting we are attending next week. At this she laughs at me and states I am not going to wear the shirt outside the apartment in any way other than under another shirt or sweatshirt ever. This is said clearly and simply in that voice all spouses reserve for each other when they are saying their word is final, that you have lost your marbles, and that people will think you are a nuts.

So I am left with wearing the shirt around the apartment and wondering why then did I take the shirt in the first place. Amusing.

If you are interested in buying your own shirt, if any still exist, I would either contact the DSR directly or the Infertility Network. Happy New Year !

Mandating Central Donor Registries Discussed in Today Show Segment

This past week the issue of donor conception and specifically the issue of mandatory donor registries was addressed. An interesting piece mostly because most news pieces simply focus on the kids searching for the donors and the message of mandating such registries was discussed and featured prominently as opposed to being just thrown out there and not addressed.

UPDATE: 9/22
For the reactions of an adult donor conceived individual to this video link over to "Whose Daughter?"

Another Month Gone By....

Over the past few days I have found myself increasingly curious what is out there regarding donor conception and even responded to a post I on the DSR blog on the DSR Yahoo Group. Essentially I still wish more men came to groups like the DI Dads Yahoo group so they can discuss their feelings / thoughts regarding DI with other men before they flatly tell their wives that as a couple they will never tell the children their conception stories.

TV Planner: Oprah Feb 8 Episode re Donor Conception

On February 8th the Oprah Winfrey Show expects to run a show to be taped this week titled "The Ultimate Reunion: When Dad is a Sperm Donor". Wendy and Ryan Kramer were involved in the show in so far as putting individuals who matched through the Donor Sibling Registry in touch with the producers and they themselves will be at the show.

According to Wendy, the Oprah folks, in November, went and filmed a meeting between two adult donor conceived half siblings that met via the DSR and is flying these individuals to Chicago for the show. The show is also expected to include two donors (each listed on the DSR), one of whom who has met with offspring and the other who hasn't. Wendy also indicated on a Yahoo DSR posting that a few adult donor conceived individuals are expected to be part of the show as well.

A few posters to the DSR Yahoo Group commented that they hope the show will also address the disappointment that is also common to donor conceived individuals and their familes who have never found a match.

It does not sound like the show will address any feelings or thoughts from the perspective of a dad like me but still I hope to watch it on tape when I get home that day or a delayed broadcast from another networj that carries the show.

Pulling Me Back In?

I am currently entrenched in a new non donor conception blog but certain factors are beginning to pull me back into the donor conception part of my world as an active participant. In reality I never really fully left as I still check in and read all the DI Dads Yahoo group posts and I follow what the main discussion lines being addressed over the DSR Yahoo groups. But I admit my heart lately has been in my new neighborhood based blog. It is just more fun for me as the topics are much lighter.

So what's bringing me back. Lets see my son's kindergarten class is soon to bbegin their family structures unit and I have been talking about this DI stuff with one of the moms from his class. You may recall that one of his classmates has two mommies and the facts of his birth are much more evident than in our house. Well maybe not the facts as to a bunch of kindergartners their first reaction will b to this child not having a daddy in the house.

The other factor is my trading emails (several) over the last day with a mom who has a beeautiful little DI conceived daughter about her goal to start a new support organization for donor conception families (current or TTC) and she came to me for advice as her husband is a DI Dads Yahoo group member among other factors that lead her to me. Pretty flattering I must say.

At the same time our emails have addressed various issues and tonight I sent an email to various friends who I have met in the US DC community about this woman's goal as I began such a quest about two years ago only to see the effort stall due to various factors inclusing concerns of duplication of services and competiton for resources (people and dollars). You may recal the posts I published about my hoping to start a US version of the UK DC Network. I do think the DCN is the model with defined connections into the many areas that the DSR completely covers. Our community is too small to step on toes and I am trying to advise her where I can.

A New Donor Conception Blog from ... the Donor Sibling Registry

no. 403

Until this week the Donor Sibling Registry had three main avenues to engage its membership and the public:

(1) the central DSR website which among other pages included the Registry itself,

(2) the DSR yahoo discussion group for matters involving but not limited to direct sibling and/or donor searches, and

(3) the DSR_Discussion yahoo group for more general DI / DE discussion.

Now a fourth venue has been added: The DSR Blog !

In Wendy Kramer's own words the creation of this blog allows her to create and maintain a "a central DSR area for updates, i.e. upcoming news, policy, DSR logistics, comments on media and the industry, etc.".

So for those of that subscribe to Blogarithm or any other blog tracking service I suggest you add the DSR Blog to your schedule for donor conception related topics.

ABC Primetime 07/10/07 DSR Story On-Line

no. 402

Tonight's segment on Primetime regarding the Donor Sibling Registry already exists online as a print article and can be linked to HERE.

I have not read it yet but will do so later today and post the text to the Annex when I am able.

TV Note: Ryan Kramer of DSR to Meet Half Sibling (Tuesday July 10, 2007)

no. 401

Tomorrow night on Primetime Live [2007 July 10, ABC, 10:00 pm EST] Ryan Kramer who founded the Donor Sibling Registry, with his mother Wendy Kramer, will himself be the focus of one story.

While the DSR has resulted in approximately 3500 matches between half siblings and/or genetic donors this TV story captures on film Ryan's first meeting with his own half sibling Anna. The story segment will also focus on another DSR match (donor and children) connecting in California.

The story of how Anna found Ryan has previously been written about by Wendy Kramer in the May 2007 AFA newsletter and can be linked to HERE in this blog's Annex.

60 Minutes Revisits 48QAH, Donor Sibling Registry

no . 393

Last night's CBS 60 Minutes piece revisits or really re-ran its March 19, 2006 piece about Donor Siblings first focusing on the offspring of Donor 48QAH and then also Wendy and Ryan Kramer's Donor Sibling Registry.

My initial thoughts abouts about the segment can be found via link one and the link I previously provided to the original transcript of the segment can be found at link two.

At the conclusion of the segment Steve Kroft updated the viewer as to the number of 48QAH donor siblings found and that Dr. Matthew Niedner and his wife had since had their own little girl. For more about 48QAH there was a very nice USA Today article that ran the same day, June 14, 2006 (Father's Day weekend) as the their DI Dads article .

Ryan And Anna, Two Half Siblings Meet

no. 378

When Wendy and Ryan Kramer created the Donor Sibling Registry it was for partially so Ryan could find and meet any half siblings that might be out there. After two misses this past February, 2007 a third connection was made that allowed Ryan to finally meet a half sibling, three years younger than Ryan to the day. Wendy Kramer writes about this experience in the May 2007 issue of the AFA newsletter Connections.

It's a very touching piece written by Wendy who after all these years of seeing other families connect finally was able to see the joy on her own son's face when he met his own half sibling.

The closing paragrpah in the article highlights the terminology question of how should these individuals defiine themselvves and each other. More often than not when the individuals are teenagers or older they go straight to "brother / sister" where the adult parents first lean to "half" this or that.

For my own kids and T, we were in control and the kids don't fully understand yet who they are to each other so for now they are still just half siblings. I truly hope my kids develope a close relationship to T as they get older as it would allow them to have someone just like them to comprehend all of this.

Reading the AFA Connections article was special and you felt you were sharing Wendy and Ryan's joy. Two people who deserve it very much.

DSR Radio Interview WBAI - 5/4/2007

no. 367

Wendy and Ryan Kramer of the Donor Sibling Registry were interviewed on Friday May 4, 2007 by a weekly radio program titled "Healthstyles" which aired at 1:00pm. The program is available to interested listeners for 89 days from today via the on-lines archives of WBAI.

http://archive.wbai.org/

Just scroll down once you link through to this page to the listing for Healthstyles on May 4th and you can enjoy their interview. For people interested in learning aboout the DSR, its founders and purposes it's a wonderful way to do so by hearing the info right from Wendy and Ryan directly.

DSR & Univ of Cambridge: Survey Regarding Donor Conception

no. 358

The Donor Sibling Registry in conjunction with the University of Cambridge Centre for Family Research has launched a large scale survey and study of those DSR members looking to answer questions, anonymously, regarding their thoughts, feelings, and experiences regarding donor conception.

DSR members must log into the DSR site and then they can link into the actial survey. It took about 20 minutes. The questions are for the most part multiple choice with sections allowing for added comments.

Considering the DSR has over 7800 members even if only 10% respond it would represent a major study in this area. To my understanding the survey is open to any DSR member including donor conceived individual, bio and social parents, and / or donors.

Needs of Sperm Donors, Offspring at Odds

no. 332

Needs of Sperm Donors, Offspring at Odds

By Kay Miller

Star Tribune

Minneapolis – St. Paul

Last Updated: February 2, 2007

- The sperm bank industry is being challenged to catch up with growing demands for detailed information about donors as thousands of their offspring come of age.

- The article includes the following paragraph:

"Morrissette collected evocative essays from DI children, a sperm donor, even an infertile father in her 2006 book, " Behind Closed Doors: Moving Beyond Secrecy and Shame," (Be-Mondo Publishing, $12.95)"

The infertile father is me!

-------------------------------------

A Sperm Donor has Waited for More than a Year to Become Part of His Kids Lives

WIBW.com

Topeka, Kansas

Posted: 4:48pm Feb. 2, 2007

- An update of the Kansas Supreme Court case. In short this was the first day the Court could have issued its opinion. It did not do so and the next possible date a decision can be issued is March 16.

--------------------------------------------

Donor Offspring Find One Another

Star Tribune

Minneapolis - St. Paul

by Kay Miller

Last Updated: February 02, 2007 – 5:13 PM

- The mothers know that Donor 1047 has at least 23 offspring, possibly as many as 100.

The Voices of Donor Conception Book is Now Available

no. 319
The first book in the Voices of Donor Conception book series has been published. I am now a published essayist.

It's kind of strange to see my words in print in a real book. Seeing my writing here on the screen seems normal after publishing several websites and blogs over the years but a real book is pretty cool.

The book, titled "Behind Closed Doors: Moving Beyond Secrecy and Shame" includes essays by donor conceived individuals including Ryan Kramer, Rebecca Hamilton, and Karen from Whose Daughter. Kirk Maxie contributed an essay about his experiences as a donor. And Wendy Kramer (Donor Sibling Registry) and Olivia Montuschi (Donor Conception Network) contributed as biological parents and as individuals with vast experience on the topics they each discuss.

The book has a companion website where individuals can contribute their reactions, their own stories and read what others have to say about the essays in the book. There is also a Yahoo discussion group created to encourage two way discussion on the topics discussed in the book and in general.

Mikki Morrissette is the editor of the book and contributes her own essays to open and close this volume of the series. Mikki is also the author of Choosing Single Motherhood.

The book only arrived last night by mail so I have not yet read through it all but already I believe it to be an important book to see various sides of the issues written in the first person presented together.

I recently purchased another book titled "Who Am I ? Experiences of Donor Conception" which only presented the view of three different donor conveived individuals. I have not received it. It will be interesting to read both books to compare and contrast the experiences and thoughts discussed.

Voices of Donor Conception: New Book Series

no. 308

Voices of Donor Conception

Behind Closed Doors: Moving Beyond Secrecy and Shame

As stated on the book's website:

The first volume in this revolutionary collection of real stories about people affected by the donor conception industry is now available for purchase.Volume 1, Behind Closed Doors: Moving Beyond Secrecy and Shame, includes first-person essays designed to take some of the stigma out of donor conception and enable more open conversation for families affected by donor insemination.

Essays include:

>the honest fears of an infertile father (THIS IS ME !!!);

>the motivations and concerns of a sperm donor who is in contact with one of his adult offspring;
the insight and advice of two experts (Wendy Kramer and Olivia Montuschi) who have had contact with thousands of families affected by donor conception;

>three donor-conceived grown-ups, reflecting on the effects of their origins, as well as on the misperceptions of what it means to them; ( I believe one of the three individuals is Karen frpm Whose Daughter).

>specific recommendations--some controversial--for change within the industry.

The goal of the series is to open new pathways of communication and develop a wider range of print and online resources for parents, offspring, donors, industry representatives, legislators, bioethicists, mental health professionals, and others interested in humanizing the approach to reproductive technology.