A Child's Announcement via a Lawn Sign

How Public is Public

The guest columnist writing the Motherlode column for the NY Times today writes about how open should her family be about their religion in a secular world and conversely how liberal can she be in her religious world. The two worlds colliding when her child comes homes from religious school with a lawn sign that reads Jesus Lives. 

http://mobile.nytimes.com/blogs/parenting/2014/04/05/jesus-lives-but-should-he-live-in-my-front-yard/?smid=tw-share

In the end she trusts in the faith that her neighbors are tolerant of all views and the knowledge who their family is that no prejudice would ensue. 

Made me think on some levels how some couples decide not to tell their children they are donor conceived. Once the child knows it might as well at times be a sign on their front lawn.  To do so might add a stigma to the couple's lives that one parent could not procreate as easily as all their neighbors or that the child may grow up with that stigma attached much as adoptees sometimes did a bit when I was a child in the 1970s. 

This post is not addressing whether DC should be used due to issues of identity, medical or abandonment that some donor conceived have experienced.  

This post is simply looking at the issue from a perspective of who

Telling or Not Telling is serving. Clearly in the world some parents might be embarrassed for their neighbors to know as opposed to the honesty of sharing the info with the child so they have that knowledge and can process it as they will as they grow up. 

The analogy to the NYT column is not perfect but with the facts of my world it is part of what I saw and how I reacted. 

(As an aside I did recently see a cartoon or something about Jesus being Donor Conceived. But that would be a whole other post to address that analogy).

Post # 572

She Has Your Eyes....but Speaks with Someone Else's Hands

I have noticed that I have been writing about once a month. I have meant to write more. So be it.

A few items. During the last month I attended another meeting of the Third Party Parenting Network where I met two other DI Dads and another dad via DE. Other than Vinnie from the Yahoo group and Walter Merricks from the DCN this was the first such meeting in a semi therapy session atmosphere. It was interesting. Nothing truly new but interesting to see the words come out someone elses mouth.

During this last month, the kids participated in another chess tournament. My son did OK but was having a off week overal and it affected his game. But that is not why I am writing this. Another mother we only met that day commented how my daughter's eyes favor my own. I am long past being bothered by these comments and if anything I am flattered as my daughter is real cutey.

My wife made some sort of comment to this woman that she should look past genetics and my wife even almost told this stranger the truth and I stopped her. There was no reason to do so on so many levels. This woman did not pick up on my shorthand that my wife should let the comment pass. It was somewhat amusing that my wife wanted to tell but then again maybe not.

We have been joking lately that the donor must have someone in his family that spoke with their hands as my daughter constantly gestures with her hands when she speaks. It is very cute but we have no idea where it comes from.

Have I done enough for now regarding my children conceived via donor insemination?

I guess it’s been about 3 months now since I have updated this blog on a daily basis. I realized today I am a member of nine yahoo groups other than the DI Dads yahoo group. When this topic took up more of my non working awake hours I would spend my time reading everything trying to learn as much as I can and see if I am missing something that would help me explain everything to my kids. Lately since I have taken a breather when I go back to these other groups I find myself partly overwhelmed and partly detached.

I certainly don't feel detached from my kids as they occupy, happily, all my time when I am home. It's just that the DI issue is not and I recognize should not be a part of my or their every waking moment. The reality of their conception just becomes another medical (and social fact) fact of their lives and for the moment I am leaving it as that. The “telling” conversations will certainly continue when the issue appropriately presents itself. But I wonder sometimes if I am supposed to do something more now and what and why.

Graham Swift's Book "Tomorrow" - Disclosure as Fodder for Fear

I have posted about the book “Tomorrow” before but after reading the NYT book review today I am concerned that the book's theme of fear only strengthens individual arguments not to tell denying young adults and all donor conceived individuals the right to the truth of who they are. It appears also to maginalize a DI Dads contribution and gives the children the right to push their social fathers away upon learning the truth.

What's wild is that according to the reviewer the mother paints a picture of a happy loving family where there is strongly bonded relationship between the twins and their dad, their father.

“Listen to your father, he’s got something important to say,” she says. “And then he’ll be nobody, he’ll be what you make of him. If you want, you can even tell him to leave.”

What struck me was the mother's statements that while truthful if fact that telling may affect their relationship with their father and that they, the children, have the right after learning the truth to tell him to go away. This man for all purposes is their father despite the biological link. To give these children, in this case young adults, permission to cast this man out only serves to heighten fears and is not based in reality.

If my children were to react in shock at learning at 16 this news I would certainly give them space to process this info and even understand the immediate resentment which could follow but as a father I would never submit to being told to leave. My children are my children and I would expect to continue to care for them as a father and to help them in any way I could. In short I expect I would fight to retain their love.

As I have not read the book I can't say why this couple waited until the children were 16 as it seems almost the worst age range to tell. Teenagers already have enough going on that to add this issue seems cruel.

Based on what I understand to be the fears of the mother it sounds like she should have joined the UK Donor Conception network and read the how to tell pamphlets before she got all worked up compounding her fears which surely will be felt by her children possibly introducing two new emotion into their young lives, embarrassment and shame, for an act that they had no control over.

Telling at School - Continued - "Me Too ?"

I had originally posted the below text on the Yahoo DI Dads discussion group but got no responses. I had intended to publish it here only after processing what responses I would receive there. Here goes anyway.....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I wanted to throw a question out to the dads of kids already in or past (or way past)kindergarten. My son started K this past month. As I wrote on my blog my wife asked me whether we should tell the teacher as they have a big unit on family structures etc. My gut was to let our son take the lead.

Yes he knows the words DI, donor, half siblings etc but I cannot say he fully gets it yet and I am not pushing him but at the same time the topic is openly discussed especially when we exchange emails and pictures with his and his sister's half sibling.

In his class is another DI child (via his two mommies and the sperm they purchased etc). She told me her son knows he has no dad just his two mommies. My wife approached this mom and told her our story etc and then I on another day disclosed my blog etc.

Anyhow this mommy (FYI she is the social parent like me) asked me if we expect to be open and have our son explain it all himself (or what he can). I at first said that I will let my son take the lead and if it comes up it will come up. I am now thinking that perhaps when her son explains (if he does and what he can) it would be a good time for my son to also say "me too". Granted he has a daddy but like his friend his beginnings are essentially identical.

This might be a way for them both to "not feel different" when addressing a very different story than the rest of their class. I was curious what the dads of kids who are not toddlers and below think about this.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now since drafting this I said to myself I don't expect to push my son into telling as it has to be his decision and he obviously has to understand or have an idea as to what he is even telling. Should be an interesting unit when it comes up.

New School Year - New Decisions re Telling

School starts here in NYC on Tuesday. My son is starting kindergarten and a big project for his class will be examining families. It should be interesting to see how this develops. As I have said before he is aware that a donor helped create him and his sister. My wife asked me the other day whether we should tell his teacher before it comes up but I am prone to let him take the lead. If the teacher asks we can answer and certainly if she indicates he had any kind of an issue tring to explain it. My bet is it doesn't even come up. Stay tuned.

BBC 4 Radio: Should Parents Tell Their Children The Truth ?

no. 385

Text from the Program Site:

"Ministers have chosen not to include measures in the new draft Human Tissues and Embryos Bill that would require parents to tell children they are donor-conceived. But the British Association for Adoption and Fostering believes that if someone has been conceived with a sperm or a donor egg, they ought to know. Should parents be obliged to tell children the truth about their biological origins? We hear from Jo Rose, who was conceived from an anonymous sperm donation at Harley Street. She says it has had a profound affect on her life. Miriam O'Reilly also discusses the issue with Dr Allan Pacey from The British Fertility Society and Julia Feast of the British Association for Adoption and Fostering."

Thanks to Buffalo Girl at Whose Daughter for posting about this radio program discussing the current state of donor anonymity in the United Kingdom. Quite compelling. I first blogged about the decision to not require disclosure in the new darft bill back on May 21 linked here.

To link through to the 14 minute radio program interview link through the post title above.

Who Did We Tell Again? Should We Tell Anyone Else?

no. 352

There is a problem with telling. Not with regards to telling your kids as they have a right to know. What I am refering to is telling only select segments of your friends and family. The problem is you tend to forget who you have told and who you haven't.

I got home from attending the NY Mets home opener at Shea Stadium and my wife asked me if had told my college friends, at least the core group, of our kid's conception story. My reply was I think so but wasn't wholly sure. I knew I had told at least the friend who was our best man at our wedding. Beyond that I think I told the other guys, but to be honest I wasn't wholly sure. Thinking about it now I am not even sure why she asked me this question.

For the most part I am sure 99% sure none of our friends and family would care or even blink at their conception story but at this point I am prone to not tell anyone else as it is my son and daughter's story to share or not share.

Fighting Cousins

no. 339

One of my earliest posts titled "Kissing Cousins" addressed the fact that my kids are not blodd relatives to my nieces. This post has the same theme but with I think a reverse twist.

We spent yesterday at my sister's house with my family celebrating a birthday. My son was the only boy playing with his cousins and his younger sister. My sister's house does not have a lot of boy centered toys and usually the toys he selects to play with his cousins are not thrilled with him touching. Consequently thess visits usually end up with the girls wishing my son would go home early. Maybe not consciously but subconsciously.

My wife asked me when we finally did get home whether my sister ever explained to her kids how their cousins were created. I guessed that she had not as they are only in kindergarten and second grade. But I wondered if she had would my nieces ever say anything to my kids (especially my son) when my kids are getting on their nerves.

It's one thing when you tell family, the adults, of the use of donor conception but you never know how kids react. They may not care or they will interpret what they think they understand in some unexpected manner. Eventually we shall see.

Not Much to Say About Donor Insemination at the Moment

no. 317

This past week I don't have much to say on the topic of donor insemination or about my role as the dad to two kids conveived via DI.

I have been having fun attending classroom holiday parties and being exhausted from just being around them. How stay at home parents do this I have no clue.

But other than reading some of the articles coming out here and there I just don't have much to say. Perhaps it's end of year burn out. Perhaps I am just burned out I am not sure. My wife still gets on my case to put this blog to bed but I am not ready to do that by any means. But I would expect to hear less from me over the next week or two while I recharge.

And yes I am still trying to get myself to write the Telling post for Mel's blog and I am excited about the IIFF (noted in the post below) but unsure how to approach it..

Happy Holidays to the few folks that visit here on a regular basis and also to those of you that have just found this old blog. Don't worry I am not done.

How to Write About "How to Tell About Donor Conception"

no. 312

Mel over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters asked me to write an article / post about how to tell a donor conceived individual about their donor conception story. I have begun writing it but have come to the conclusion that I should not try to reinvent the wheel. What I intend to do at this point is combine my own thoughts with a travelogue to the best sites out there where this same issue has been addressed by the experts (and my thoughts on these sites).

The article would be part of a series of articles, "write ups" as Mel terms them, compliled on her web site under the heading Operation Heads Up which will include write ups about common procedures, medications, tests, and diagnoses associated with infertility. The series is also directly related to the site's Peer Infertility Counselor listing. This group is comprised of individuals who all have experience in their area of expertise and who have agreed to try an answer what questions that come their way. In many cases these same indioviduals wrote the related Operation Heads Up article.

DI Mom wrote a piece about choosing a sperm donor and I thought she did a pretty good job with the topic. I only hope I can draft an appropriate article on "Telling".