Monday, September 12, 2005

Searching for the Donor When the Children Haven't Asked

A continuing topic on the Donor Sibling Registry Yahoo Discussion Group has been whether to begin a search for the donor before the kids even indicate they are interested or when they are too small to even ask. The reasons for such a search include not losing any time before is too late and the donor may be lost, die or whatever to that of in case of an emergency. These discussions indicate that actual contact would not be made but just that the donor would be found and tracked for future reference.

I am not sure yet how I feel about this. My wife like others has very definitely announced her interest to me. I mentioned in an earlier post (Carrying on the Family Name) that my skills as an amateur genealogist might prove handy in any search. But I am not yet ready for this.

Do I consider the donor a threat to my position as father? Perhaps. Am I scared that the donor would want any continued role in my kid’s lives? Probably. Correction, that does bother me.

Another matter is if contact was made would I be disclosing the existence of the half-sibling we found where I have no right to do so? Then again when we (the half siblings) registered on the DSR we knew we were opening ourselves up to the donor finding us although our joint goals were (as I am guessing) to only find other half-sibs not so much the donor.

As I stated above I am not yet ready to entertain this question. Not yet but it’s a topic on continuing discussion on the DSR Discussion Group.

1 comment:

Julia said...

My Dad (also an amateur genealogist) tracked down the identity of my child's donor rather easily. However I have told him while I am happy that he has the information for later use, I don't want to have it myself at this point in our lives. I feel like its a slippery slope. What if it turned out that he lives in the same city. Would I stand in front of his building for a peak? I'm not sure? I think I'd have more respect for his privacy than that, but curiosity can be a powerful thing.

The donor I chose is an ID release donor so my daughter can decide for herself if she wants that information. It is 13 long years until she is 18 yrs so we'll see how she and I feel about this in years to come.

When I made contact with the several 1/2 sibs families and we exchanged landline phone numbers and mailing addresses we also discussed whether or not they/I wanted to be disclosed to the donor should he make contact with any one of us. It was a mixed bag of responses...most being open to the idea with some limits.

The DSR has a discussion group on yahoo where some of the DI concieved teens/young adults post and most express a curiosity about the donor, but most are not looking for a father, even when they did not grow up with one. The kids that have always known about their conception usually readily accept and embrace it.