Two Hopeful Dads: A Donor Egg and Gestational Surrogate Story

no. 284

When two men who are partners want to start a family the process is a lot more complicated than that of two women who use DI to start their family. The links below are to magazine length articles which started in this past weekend's Los Angeles Times. The arrticles are part of a multi part series following the story of the two featured men.

Sunday 10/29: The Journey Begins: Ready to be dads, but they're going to need help

Monday 10/30: Trying to make a baby: Shots, eggs, embryos and a big dose of hope

All I can add is that I can't imagine going through the process these men go through to have biological kids. As I have said in the past I wonder if the non-biological parent shares many of the emotions that DI Dads like myself do. I envision they must.

Leading Academic McWhinnie: DI Fertility Treatment 'Traumatises Children' (per Scotsman.com)

no. 283

The article linked above, pubished 10/25/2006, states:

CHILDLESS couples were yesterday warned that fertility treatment could traumatise their future children.

A leading academic claims that children are left angry and resentful of their parents when they discover they were conceived through a sperm donor. Dr Alexina McWhinnie, of Dundee University, said donor conception was soaring in Scotland, yet no-one had thought of the consequences.

Dr McWhinnie has researched and investigated the lives of donor-conceived children in several research projects, the most recent in 2001. "No matter how they found out about their origins, the reported reaction was anger, resentment and a loss of a sense of self and identity," she said.

What bothers me about this 5 line article is that it provides no links to where or in what context Dr. McWhinnie makes her claim. It does not state where the statements were made or whether the statements are part of any current research being published by Dr. McWhinnie. There is no author taking credit for this story and nothing to corroborate or support it.

I almost want to think that The Scotsman, which has continuously covered the lack of sperm donors in Scotland, needed to fill space and figured since they have covered this issue continually we would not notice the lack of substance to this piece.

Without support and references this article does nothing more than provide a scary headline. If this is a lead story in a print edition I'd say they were trying to merely sell papers. Come on guys you can do better than this. Your readers deserve better.

Is there DI Happiness?

no. 282

What makes a person happy? What keeps them from being happy? Will my children be truly happy? Right now they are happy. I am hoping they remain so. When they fully understand DI will it change this? Will it throw a thin veil of sadness and questions over them that will color their lives denying them true happiness? I am plagued by this question. If I could take on that veil ensuring that they would not I would gladly do so. This topic keeps coming back to haunt me.

Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day : A DI Dad's Perspective

no. 281

I don't know all the details how the day began or why it was calendered for October 15th but the concept is an interesting one. I let it pass without discussing it with my wife as she has put most of the pain we had during our infertility years behind her. I can't always say the same though.

For a DI Dad, you thank heaven every day for the kids you have but occassionally you do wonder what children born of you would be like. For me this day actually served as a reminder of what might have been. I am not sure I wanted that reminder.

I am happy for the day to allow those that want to mourn to mourn but for me it is a painful reminder of the embryos and cycles that did not work and all the pain we went through.

My comments seem to contradict themselves but as a DI Dad I also don't want to highlight the day as I don't want my children to think of themselves as the best daddy could get setting them up to think I love them less because they are DI. I don't. I love them more and can't imagine life without them. At this point I don't want any life but one with them in it.

In Judaism, on the anniversary of a loved one's death we are required to say Kaddish, a prayer for the dead. Interestingly enough the prayer never mentions death but focuses on extolling the greatness of G-d without whom the life we are mourning would never have existed. So in that vein I offer the Engllish translation of the last line of that prayer:

He who creates peace in His celestial heights, may He create peace for us and for all [Israel]; and say, Amen.

O-seh Sho-lom Bim-ro-mov hu ya-a-se sho-lom O-lay-nu v'al kol yis-ro-ayl v'im-ru o-mayn.

Cognitive Thinking Comes from ... Not the Donor?

no. 280

In response to my post (no. 278) regarding my son having to take an IQ test and my hope that my son “take after” the donor that day I was sent the above link to a site that restates (based on a 1997 New Scientist article) that cognitive thinking comes from the mom not the father. My wife will be thrilled. And here I was rooting for the advanced degree'd donor's genes to kick in.

Perhaps it's true when they say 'Mom's know best'.

You Tube and Sperm Donors

no. 279

Yesterday I attempted to watch a video (linked here and above) on You Tube that was titled Sperm Donors. I had seen the link on the DonorMisconception Yahoo group. It was an interesting coincidence as I had never really explored You Tube and the site's purchase by Google had me curious.

The video linked was 8 minutes long, fiction, labelled a comedy, and revolved around a young man, Jacob, short on cash who wanted to buy a diamond engagement ring for his girlfriend. My understanding is that by the video's end he reconsiders this path. My cable modem kept winking out so my wife and I only saw the first 3.5 minutes (several times).

From what we saw it did not paint a complimentary picture of donors, or at least the one donor, Herman, that Jacob encountered in the minutes we saw. This may be the reason there was a comment from a donor conceived person who was offended. But that confused me as most of the donor conceived persons I have “met” would be happy with this portrayal on some level as the video was headed towards an anti-DI message. Having not seen the rest I may be wrong. The pen given to Jacob to fill out the form was quite cute if not silly. Perhaps some folks would even be offended by it. I don't know.

A lot is discussed on DC boards regarding donor intent. Here Jacob seemed to honestly think his donation was to be used for research until Herman clued him in. And he seemed surprised and the fact that his donation would result in many children needing college tuition etc did noticeably have an effect.

Anyhow I did notice when you run a search on You Tube using the terms Donor Sperm several videos pop up. I hope too what else they say and if they all are labelled as comedys as this one was.

If anyone can give me a fuller synopsis of the video I'd love to hear it as my modem will continue to wink out and anything with streaming video is blocked at work.

Intelligence Tests and What Your Dad & Donor Gave You

no. 278

Today is one of those days when I hope my son is somewhat like his donor. As I write this he is taking some sort of IQ test in order to qualify for a gifted program / school here in NYC. I say the donor as I have never thought myself to be highly intelligent and based on the donor's educational background he apparently was / is. It's silly for me to think this as I am not a dummy, I hold two professional licenses, and I consider myself to have better than average horse sense. But my son is not biologically mine and on a day like today you want every edge the kid can get.

I usually feel environment plays a big factor in an individual's life but the facts seem to be that if the “nature” genes are supporting the good environment teaching you at least have a head start and that would not be a bad thing.

So today little boy hopefully your own intrinsic curiousity together with what ever the donor gave you and what I taught you will come out while you take this test. And if you have a case of the silly's please just shake them out and listen politely to what the tester asks and try your best. I love you no matter what and I always will.

Videos of the Half Siblings

no. 277

When my kids met T and her mom, back in August, we all took photos and I took some short videos on my camera. I put them altogether as one slideshow and three short videos from which I then made a DVD from.

My kids love watching the video of them and T. They ask for it at least once a week and sometimes on a weekend multiple times. The whole DVD only last about 8 minutes.

Truth be known they like seeing themselves on the TV screen as much as seeing T with them.

As I write this I am finally standing in line at the post office to send a copy of the DVD to T's mom along with data disks of the raw photos and video. Hopefully T finds the video as amusing as my kids do.

"The Truth About Donor 1084" - SELF Magazine Article - October 2006 Issue

no. 276

"The Truth About Donor 1084" is a disturbing article to read and an important one among the articles being written about Donor Conception. It is one of the next generation of article being written to open the door beyond the happy stories of Donor 48QAH that present these stories as oddities and mere human interest. The Donor 1084 article begins to paint a picture for the public that borders if not crosses the line into criminal negligence and disregard for the children created by this process.

The stories of the families in this article are not as uncommon as you would think or hope and thankfully I can say my kids to date as well as "T" their half sibling are all healthy but as a parent of DI I cannot turn a blind eye as I want the banks to take responsibility and determine how these issues can be rectified.

I am not saying that I expect the banks to pony up funds to cover the medical expenses of these kids (although it is strong belief that they should if it can proven they had knowledge of any chance of xyz conditoin occuring) but at least they have to start changing their rules and contracts to allow more communication and info to flow and to make donors aware that they have a responsibility to these kids and that at a minimum to be honest and that to not do so can have repercusions.

Reform is needed. I don't have the answers but I know I want to be part of that equation. Stories like these just make me angry and my heart go out to these families.

If you can get to a library or a Barnes & Noble read the article and see if you don't feel just as angry.

The Multnomah Oregon Mistake

I posted on the Annex an editorial posted by the Albany Herald Democrat where the writer calls for the case brought by the inadvertent donor to be thrown out. The editorial restates the facts well enough but in short the plaintiff produced sperm intended to impregnate his girlfriend but the hospital mistakenly used it to impregnate a married woman who was expecting an anonymous donor's sperm. The plaintiff donor is suing I guess to establish whether he is in fact the biological parent of the child created. (I will admit I am not sure what the current status of this child is and whether it is still a enbryo, fetus, viable birth, or even been born yet).

The editorial is interesting mostly as I see it as it lays out all the various issues that may exist and the rights as seen by the writer.

If I was the husband of the woman mistakenly inseminated I would certainly be upset that this was not the “donor” we selected and be fearful of what rights if any this plaintiff would want.

The article speaks to the fact that the hospital offered a free abortion. Yes a loaded issue if there ever was one. Would I consider it. Yes. But to be honest the child would be one half from my wife and again not from me so biologically it would be the same issues as the donor of choice but not the one we chose. Try eplainig that to the child a few years down the road. Well we wanted half of you.

What happened was obviously a mistake and a mistake that apparently the facility has taken steps to now avoid again. No degree of sperm bank reform could forsee this as this was a localized event but I bet it's happened more often than we know. It certainly adds fuel to those that call for DI to be abolished.

The Revolution in Parenthood:The Emerging Global Clash Between Adult Rights and Children's Needs

I have not read the below linked report. My understanding is that depending on the reader it may be seen as controversial and political in the sense that it was written and published by a group, the Institute for American Values, that is seen by some as leaning to one end of the spectrum as opposed to espousing positions that are more centrist. That is neither good or bad , or a judgment, just stating what is.

People I do respect on both sides have agreed that the report is worth reading despite its length (44 pages) and I plan to do so.

The Revolution in Parenthood:The Emerging Global Clash Between Adult Rights and Children's Needs

An International Appeal from the Commission on Parenthood's Future. Elizabeth Marquardt, Principal Investigator.

http://www.americanvalues.org/parenthood/parenthood.htm

A continuing discussion of the issue can be found at the Institute's blog titled FamilyScholars.org within the category set up for it linked here. Again the views espoused at these site are those of the writers and not my own so I can't say I agree with all that is written or even what percentage of what is written but it is interesting reading.

Buffalo Girl, a donor conceived adult from here in the USA, who writes the blog “Whose Daughter?” was invited to speak in response to the report at the Eleventh Annual Institute For American Values Symposium on September 14, 2006 at The Association of the Bar of the City of New York. Her remarks can be found on her blog’s 9/27/2006 post.

I respect most of Buffalo Girl’s views and positions and encourage readers to visit her site for her remarks and in general as there are few blogs written and kept current from a US based donor conceived person.

http://whosedaughter.blogspot.com/

Does My Half Sibling Have a Daddy?

Until now I have not named my children's half sibling and I am doing so by giving her a psuedo name as writing out half sibling is too much typing on my crackberry where I write most of these posts. So as of today she will be referred to as “T”.

Now onto today's post....

This morning my son asked me if T had a daddy. As soon as he asked this my wife from the next room yelled be careful how I answer this.

I replied simple that she did not have a daddy. I continued by stating that when her mommy decided she wanted a baby that she was single and that the donor's sperm helped her create T. I then stated that when his mommy wanted a baby that she was married to me his daddy and that the donor's sperm helped us create him and his sister.

He seemed to accept this.

Without giving me a second to decide if I answered this appropriately he then asked if he and T could get married. I said "no ... but hopefully someday she will attend your wedding".

If I last that long with all his questions.

More Letters to the Editor: Dilemmas and Dangers of Donor Conception

I have posted, on my Annex blog (linked above), copies of the letters published at the TimesOnline.uk in tomorrow's, 9/26/06, edition.

The letters posted include that of two donor conceived individuals (including Rebecca Hamilton and Dr. Don Moody), a medical ethicist (Dr. Andrew Lawson) , and a leading rep of the Infertility Network UK (Sheena Young).

At this point by my count we have seen letters from all parties involved except that of the donors.

I am following this debate as it's interesting to see all sides. I don't expect anytime soon that donor anonymity will end here in the USA but if groups like the AATB and the ASRM start coming around to the base issues involved then perhaps serious legislation could be attempted.

Again I am not so much in favor of mandated abolition of donor anonymity but my primary concerns are more towards greater regulation and monitoring of the system we currently have to ensure the medical safety of the individuals created. That should be the primary issue in my mind. Yes the emotional is just as important but when I hear the stories of conditions and diseases that might have been caught due to screening limitations I cringe.

More on Competing Rights: Donor vs. Conceived vs. Infertiles

The above post title links to this Blog's Annex where you can read two additional days of Letters to the Editors of the TimesOnline.co.uk on this topic. Buffalo Girl of Whose Daughter and Tom Ellis let me know that additional letters had been posted by the Times including Tom's own response.

My own submission to the fray as the only responding DI parent is as follows (who knows if this letter will be accepted and posted by the Times so that is why I am posting here):

I have been reading all of the letters posted on this topic and as an American whose children were both conceived via an anonymous donor I am amazed. The US system being consumer based has not been forced into a position of outlawing the use of anonymous donors so I am reading these stories from a position where I am not affected and all too easily can comment without repercusions but here goes anyway.

Over the last two years that I have been following this topic I am amazed at how individuals like Colin Campbell (Sept 21) and Tim Hammond (Sept 23) can still make the argument that donor conceived individuals should accept the "be happy you are alive" argument as a prong on which to support their belief that the rights of the infertile parents trump that of the donor conceived.

As a parent whose kids are donor conceived I will work to fully ensure my kids have as much as possible about their past. To try now to turn back the clock to donor anonymity does future children conceived via DI a disservice and appears to me to border on criminal. It is true that donations have plummeted via the change in your laws but it appears to me that there have to be better avenues to increase donations than to just throw up yor hands and turn back the clock. For instance how about the UK government to provide more funding and staffing to the National Donor Gamete Trust. From what I understand you have a group whose mandate is to work in this area but without proper funding how can you expect results.

Again speaking as a parent who benefiited from donor sperm but now sees the bigger picture don't turn your back on these children and adults. No parent wants to cause their children harm, emotionally or otherwise, but to coopt their rights you would be doing just that.

Eric Schwartzman
New York, New York

Competing Rights: The Conceived vs The Infertile (A Continuing Debate)

An age old argument raised against the premise of abolishment of anonymous donors is that the rights of the Infertile parents trump the rights of the unborn yet to be conceived children. To say it politely this is rubbish. To deny however that the UK abolishment of anonymity greatly affected sperm donations in the UK is also fantasy.

Colin Campbell, the former and founding chairman of the British Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) from 1990-1994, has again raised the issue in today's (9/21/2006) TimesOnline.co.uk in a letter to the editor stating that the current policy is unfair to the infertile parents and their rights should be supreme. I think he's blind to reality that human beings are created that deserve more than this “be happy” you are alive argument. There are issues that must be addressed including the emotional well being and rights of the donor conceived and these issues should be paramount.

For new readers let me say I am not anti-DI. DI has given me two beautiful children and I would do it again if we could afford a third child. I am not pro-anonymity as I seen the results for some that were created via DI and will never have any knowledge of their biological and cultural past. I just believe there must be other ways to increase sperm donations than to imply that the human rights of the children are subservient and that anonymous donations are the cure. Max's Male Infertilty Awareness Campaign and the work of the National Gamete Donation Trust are examples of such good work. But more needs to be done.

I am sorry Mr. Campbell your argument just doesn't hold water. If you have another we'd be happy to hear it but this one is again simply rubbish and too easy to make.

What To Do With Extra Vials of Donor Sperm?

The question of the day since we are finally coming to terms that more children is not financially plausible is what to do with the extra vials of the donor's sperm.

We have it noted on the DSR that we have extra but the half siblings mom is also not planning to have more kids (that we know of) and there are no other half sibling families out there that we know of that might want them.

Do we sell them back to the Cryobank enabling other families to have kids from this donor? Do we destroy them? Do we submit them to research?

These questions don't rise to the level of controversy that families with frozen embryos have to deal with but like them we continue to pay yearly fees to store and maintain their viability. Not an easy decision.

The idea of taking one vial and having the DNA analyzed appeals to me and I am leaning in that direction for one vial. But the rest is still a mystery as to what we should do.

Making References to Half Siblings?

On my son's dresser are a couple of pages with pictures of himself, his sister and their half sibling. As he is only 4 years old he can't see these ppictures when standing directly next to the dresser but he can see them when he enters his bedroom or if he is standing on his bed.

The question I have is what is appropriate regarding how often parents should make reference to half siblings is simple conversation or under what circumstances. What is too much or too little?

My kids had a great time when they met their half sibling. And today my son asked when they would get to see her again. He doesn't refer to her as his half sibling or sister (we've never used that term regarding her) but simply by her name and always with a smile.

Occasionally we'll bring her name up to the kids depending on the circumstance. But we try to keep from overdoing it and at the same time because we are of different families there will be certainly periods of time that no reference is made whatsoever.

Was just curious what other families thought about this stuff. As I have said repeatedly because of this blog and related discussion groups etc this stuff is in my head too much.

Looking for DI Conceived Kids in NYC for Playdates?

A few weeks ago after seeing a post on the DSR_Discussion Yahoo group about a plan to stage a West coast gathering of DI families I proposed a concurrent East coast event. I have no experience planning events but threw my hat into the ring. Somehow I have a feeling this could snowball into something complicated but I hope not. The West coast event is planned for June 2007 and the email exchanges have proposed the East coast for August.

In advance of that I was wondering how many DI families are in NYC itself? I was thinking maybe doing something small with families maybe meeting on a perodic basis at the Central Park Zoo or other local venues so the kids have friends like themselves (conception story wise) so as they better understand this stuff they have their own built in network to discuss this stuff. But in the meantime the group for them would just add new friends.

Glasses in the DI Family?

Yesterday as I rode the bus home I saw a dad with a boy at his side on a street corner. I am assuming the boy was his son. I base this guess on the facts that they we were both wearing glasses and the man was holding the boy's hand. I always assumed that any kids we were to have would wear glasses as both my wife and I were them.

I actually don't recall if the donor wore / wears glasses. From a vanity and practical aspect it would be nice if the kids skipped this part of life. It was just so cute to see this child looking like a miniature version of his spectacled father. Part of me misses this possibility and part of me is hoping the donor's eyes are better than mine.

"Sperm Banks and Social Issues: Are We Going to Lead or Follow"

On Saturday, September 9, 2006, the American Association of Tissue Banks (AATB) at their National Conference within their Reproductive Council Session included a subsession titled "Sperm Banks and Social Issues: Are We Going to Lead or Follow". The importance of this session cannot be understated because unless the Donor Conception community becomes politically active this organization along with the ASRM will most likely and does dictate how the industry will be self regulated absent national and local legislation. The long term is the protection of our children's rights and that means either forcing these organizations to accept our positions or to work with them to an agreeable set of regulations that are realistic.

Addressing the 30 or so Sperm Bank directors that attended was Mikki Morrissette, the author of Choosing Single Motherhood, and a Choice Mom herself of two donor conceived children. I first met Mikki at the 2005 Donor Conception seminar hosted by the Infertility Network. Mikki's own comments subsequent to her addressing the AATB can be found here at her new blog Choice Mom.

The agenda for the AATB session stated:

“At the conclusion of this program, participants should be able to identify critical social issues that will affect sperm banks in the area of public expectations by donors, recipients and donor children (i.e. release of donor identity to children, fascilitating donor-child contact, national archive for donor records, national donor registry for gamete donors and children, standards and guidelines to allow gay donors to become sperm donors beyond the known donor category).”

With all the media coverage in the last few months to two years the industry is beginning to take notice and unless they present themselves as both consumer and donor conceived friendly they risk outside regulation. But this risk is only tangible if the donor conception community increases the pressure and starts to make more noise before the banks come up with their own plans. The key to success may be working together and the fact that they invited Mikki to speak is an encouraging step.

For many there is an inherent mistrust of the cryobanks and that to go forward the banks will need to earn back the goodwill they desire from the community that relied on their assertions. But we must first bring ourselves to the table or rather first ensure the issues dictate that all sides are required to be part of the process and not decided only by one constituency.

The door is beginning to open let's not let it close in front of us.