Movies: "The Kid's Are All Right"

A majority of the reviews I have read or seen so far are positive for the movie "The Kid's Are All Right". Link to NYT Review. Granted all of these reviewers probably have no connection to donor conception outside flicks like this. They each go on how this is a accurate representation of how a family interacts between parents and teenagers etc.

But can they really say this is accurate for a family with two moms from an insider's perspective ? I don't know as I am just a heterosexual DI Dad and I know very few two mommy familes much less with teenage kids. I must remember to ask the mom's of one of my son's classmates for their reaction or if they even plan on seeing the film.

I do want to see this in the theatre but to be honest I want to see Grown Ups with Adam Sandler first.

Reactions to Yesterday’s Oprah Episode Regarding Donor Insemination

Overall my reaction to this Oprah show episode is that we need to engage Dr. Matthew Niedner as a face and voice to promote donor conception reformation and regulation. The former donor very eloquently spoke that the industry is still the “wild, wild west “and needs to be regulated. Wendy Kramer pointed out in support that there are a number of donor listings on the Donor Sibling Registry that by the sheer number of half siblings proves that point.

Overall the most moving segments of the show involved the video meeting of Stacey Smedley and Chris her half sibling. These two could have been twins and watching the video of them not being able to take their eyes off each other was amazing.

The segment with the live and video interviews of the adult donor offspring (Kristina, Susan, Kathleen and Katrina) was moving but for me nothing new as each of their stories (or stories like theirs) I had heard before. I don’t say that to belittle what they said at all but after two and a half years I am fully cognizant of the range of emotions each of these woman have. It is these emotions that keep me blogging (albeit not as often) as my children may go through each of these emotions. Two of these women knew from very early on their conception story just as my children do.

When I went to the Oprah website this evening I saw two or three discussion threads in reaction to the show. One was 76 comments in length and another 4 comments in length when I visited the site. I started to draft a comment but it got lost when I disabled my pop up blocker. I was reacting to a single comment about where were the dads like me to the guests who had dads like me. The truth is the story is about the donor conceived individuals themselves and the donors. Yes we dads have our own story but I don’t see Oprah doing a show on us dads anytime soon. The story should always be about the individuals created in this unregulated system and how these individuals cope and process the story of their creation.

All in all there was not to much new for me to learn by this episode. For someone brand new to the topic I think it was worthwhile. I think the biggest positive was it was not sensationalistic, its brings the issue back into the public eye, and the number of visitors to the Donor Sibling Registry will again spike tonight leading to many more matches of half siblings and perhaps a few donors to offspring who desire such connections be found.

Wendy, Ryan – You both looked great. My regards to both of you!

And yes I checked our donor # on the DSR and it’s still just my two kids and “T” their half sibling.

TV Planner: Oprah Feb 8 Episode re Donor Conception

On February 8th the Oprah Winfrey Show expects to run a show to be taped this week titled "The Ultimate Reunion: When Dad is a Sperm Donor". Wendy and Ryan Kramer were involved in the show in so far as putting individuals who matched through the Donor Sibling Registry in touch with the producers and they themselves will be at the show.

According to Wendy, the Oprah folks, in November, went and filmed a meeting between two adult donor conceived half siblings that met via the DSR and is flying these individuals to Chicago for the show. The show is also expected to include two donors (each listed on the DSR), one of whom who has met with offspring and the other who hasn't. Wendy also indicated on a Yahoo DSR posting that a few adult donor conceived individuals are expected to be part of the show as well.

A few posters to the DSR Yahoo Group commented that they hope the show will also address the disappointment that is also common to donor conceived individuals and their familes who have never found a match.

It does not sound like the show will address any feelings or thoughts from the perspective of a dad like me but still I hope to watch it on tape when I get home that day or a delayed broadcast from another networj that carries the show.

A Reminder That My Sperm Don't Work......

no. 387

"Sleek, Fast and Focused: The Cells That Make Dad Dad"

New York Times

By Natalie Angier
Published: June 12, 2007

Today's NY Times included an article that only reminded me that my sperm did not do what they are designed to do. Granted the article does point out that only 15% of a man's sperm does what it is supposed to so perhaps I should not feel so bad. It is an interesting article but somehow did not add to my overall demeanor or self worth today. The graphic accompanying the article, copied above, had an old vintage text book look to it that was cool.

I was quite amused at the opening two lines of the article:

"We are fast approaching Father’s Day, the festive occasion on which we plague Dad with yet another necktie or collect phone call and just generally strive to remind the big guy of the central verity of paternity — that it’s a lot more fun to become a father than to be one. “I won’t lie to you,” said the great Homer Simpson. “Fatherhood isn’t easy like motherhood.”

American Sociological Assn Study : Valuation of Egg and Sperm Donors

no. 377

The ASA released today the results of a study undertaken by Rene Almeling, a UCLA Ph.D. candidate in sociology, where Ms. Almeling reviewed the operations of US sperm banks and egg agencies. The following are excerpts of the study's summary linked through this posts' title.

Excerpts:

“Men donors are paid less for a much longer time commitment and a great deal of personal inconvenience,” she said. “They also are much less prepared for the emotional consequences of serving as a donor of reproductive material. Women, meanwhile, are not only paid more for a much shorter time commitment, they are repeatedly thanked for ‘giving the gift of life.’

“From compensation rates to the smallest details of donor relations, sperm donors are less valued than egg donors,” Almeling said. “Egg donors are treated like gold, while sperm donors are perceived as a dime a dozen.”

“A pronounced double-standard exists in the way that men and women donors are valued by the fertility industry, and it can’t be explained medically or by market forces,” Almeling said. “Based on the availability of donors alone, you would expect the abundance of potential egg donors to drive down compensation fees and the scarcity of potential sperm donors to drive up their fees. But I found just the opposite."

My comments:

I found Ms. Almeling's comments and conclusions interesting as my expectations were very often the opposite of hers. While I do think sperm donors go through a longer comittment period it seems to me that egg donors are subjected to the greater inconveniences of being subjected to actual medical procedures, taking drugs that could affect their own reproductive systems down the road as compared to the men who very often are just “get[ting] paid to do what you [they] already do.” Yes I understand because men are comitted to a longer relationship to their banks they are in effect agreeing to affect their own social lives due to required "abstinences" between "donations".

I am not trying to discount the contribution of the sperm donors as I am greatful for the eventual creation of my own children but I am just surprised by the researcher's own surprise at the results of h er own study.

Emerging Donors – A DI Dads Dilemma

no. 336

Sperm Donor Father [CCB 150] Ends His Anonymity
NY Times
Amy Harmon
February 14, 2007

Hello, I’m Your Sister. Our Father is Donor 150
NY Times
Amy Harmon
November 20, 2005

The November 20, 2005 article was one of the first within Ms. Harmon’s series that graced the cover of the NY Times bringing the issues surrounding DI to the forefront of water cooler discussions in the past 18 months. Seeing today’s article bring some resolution to the identity issue for the donor conceived teenagers and young adults in the piece was nice to see, read, and feel a part of.

As a DI dad initial reactions are a curious thing. You are happy for these kids but then you wonder will my own kids have such a desire to meet / find their bio father? How will I feel when it’s a real man across the park they are walking towards? Long term it’s certainly a good thing from their perspective but it also makes you take stock of yourself and the reminder that your emotional reactions / needs must come second to theirs.

Not all DI dads will take this approach. Certainly most heterosexual couples still have not told their kids of their origins and that’s their decision. My kids know and will continue to be told their story so how will I feel when it’s their turn we’ll have to wait and see how life develops for them and for me.

"Sperm Banks' Screening Too Strict" (No Altruistic Purpose Here)

no. 333

Spectator News
(Student Newspaper of the University of Wisconsin)
Jacob McCormick
Issue Date: Feb. 5, 2007

Four excerpts of an article written by a student who looked into donating....full text posted on the Annex linked above....

"Last semester, I was joking around with a few fellow staffers at The Spectator about donating sperm. Because of my constant need for money to cover my extravagant spending budget, I decided to look into actually donating.
.....
I figured it couldn't be more painful than giving plasma twice a week. At a minimum income of $100 per accepted sample, according to the Genetics and IVF Cryobank Web site, it is a much more profitable venture than plasma, even though the nearest sperm donation center is located in Roseville, Minn.
.....
The one thing that was a big concern to me when I was considering donating sperm was the confidentiality of my name and the legal issues that may be involved with indirectly fathering a child. However, Cryobank's Web site states that all names are withheld and that the donor does not have to worry about child support or anything of that nature.
.....
The monetary compensation for donating sperm is definitely worth the procedure and it isn't a waste of time to look into donating. But given the rare chance of actually becoming a donor, I think I'll stay master of my domain and continue donating plasma."

After reading the full article it certainly did not leave a positive impression. I counter this article in my mind with the donor voice recording we have. I would expect having heard that recording that my kids will at least feel their donor had good intentions even if they know he was paid money.

Known Donor vs. Anonymous - A Discussion on Salon.com

no. 321

Currently there are about 80 plus comments posted onto a Salon.com article where one half of a lesbian couple wrote in requesting donor advice from one of the resident correspondents.

The requesting woman thinks she wants a known donor where her partner believes an anonymous donor is safer for various reasons including parenting roles, custody etc.

The discussion that arises throughout the 80 plus and growing comments is quite interesting. Not many hetero responses beyond my own but the level of discussion is enlightening.

A Known Donor Who Is a Dad

no. 314

In tomorrow's Washington Post (December 17, 2006) is an article written by a man who is a father and dad to two children via a known donor arrangement. I use the terms father and dad as it's quite clear that this man while biologicaly the father also chose to be a dad with the blessing of the lesbian couple who asked him to be their donor. The children look upon him as their dad despite the fact that he does not live with them or have any parental rights as he gave these up.

Growing up these kids will never have any of the issues most DI kids or families have to address. Yes, it will be obvious that two moms needed outside help but that help is only a phone call away for the identity and medical issues. No feelings of stress telling family members or resentment. In fact these kids get three parents for the price of two. Sure dad does not custody or rights but the kids will probably pull him into the picture more and more as life advances for them.

Again not your typical DI story. Certainly not our story.

Usage of DI Images

no. 311

The above image is of a poster from a campaign to help men take a more active and compassionate role in their children's lives. Specifically it is aimed at men who are biologically connected to their children but who apparantly may be abusive towards their children. It was interesting to see the image and how it was being used to make these men aware that unless they are involved in a positive manner they are nothing more than sperm donors to their own kids. Note the tone and content of the words describing the "dad".