One Part of the Family Story

Julie over at the Instagram account HappyTogetherChildrensBook I believe truly nails the message I have come to believe over all these years.  Donor Conception is only part of each family's story.

At the same time Jana Rupnow through her Instagram account Three Makes Baby has created a new Family Tree Project where the traditional family tree is upended to include epigenetic influences which extend beyond simple bloodlines.  Epigenetic influences include non-physical traits and physical traits of family members you live with and various traits with family members you don't live with as well as other factors that influenced the individual's life including climate, activities, food as well as cities the individual has lived in.

At the core of all this to me is how we live our lives.  Certainly a donor conceived individual's genetic and medical history that come from their biological parents, including their donor, play a big part of an individual's story and that of their family.   There is no denying that in any lexicon. But it's not the whole story.  How we live our lives and the time we devote to differing segments of our life also play major roles in our stories.  Our achievements and tragedies play a role in our development.

My children, my teenagers, may have started their story from the genetic code wrapped up in their DNA, which they got from their biological father, their donor, and their mother, my ex-wife.  But their social development was also impacted by my divorce from their mother.  It is also impacted by the schools they attended and the neighborhoods we live in and the friends they chose.

The drive to find a donor or biological half siblings can consume a donor conceived individual's time and focus.   For some that focus is key to understanding who they are.  But their story includes many facets of who they choose to be as well.  Granted those choices are shaded and colored in by how these choices may be preprogrammed into each of us.   Don't read this to insinuate I am a fatalist.  I am not.

One of the hardest concepts that parents must understand, whether it's a SMBC, a single dad, a pair of hetero parents or a same sex couple, is that donor conception was merely a tool, an avenue, that allows families to be created.  Donor conception sidestepped the anguish, and pain of facing the infertile diagnosis.  As parents it's how we raise our donor conceived children that define our stories.  Our jobs are to focus on their needs.  Helping them to process their story, but also to allow them to live full and robust lives.  Our family stories are not defined solely by the use of donor conception, but as our children grow, it is how our families live our lives that are primary drivers of the family, donor conception is major factor but only one part of our stories.

Future Guest on Podcast Three Makes Baby

Later this month I will be recording a guest spot on the Three Makes Baby podcast. It's been a while since I have done anything like this so it should be interesting.

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I started publicly addressing the topic of #donorconception, specifically #malefactorinfertility and #donorinsemination in 2005 when my son was three and my daughter one,  At that time very few men were public speaking on these topics much less admitting that they were infertile or statistically infertile.  Technology has changed, social media has changed, but human emotions and the rights our kids deserve have not.

I am looking forward to the discussion.  After 15 years of addressing this topic from a parent's perspective I still have a lot to say.  So wait to for a date announcement and stay tuned.  Anything you want my opinion on?  Let me know.

instagram.com/threemakesbaby

Bonding

How can I expect a child that is not mine to ever bond with me?

I am afraid she will never love me as I am not her real dad?

My parents said if we use donor sperm the child will know I am a fake and hate me?

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Almost every man who has considered using donor insemination to start a family has had questions and fears such as these at one point or another.  Even if just for one minute the concern has existed.  The question comes up almost every time a new member joins the DI Dads group either on the Yahoo Discussion Group or the Facebook group.

I will readily admit it was a fear of mine.  I worried about it a lot.

There is an Instagram feed from a new dad Alex called Pursuing Fatherhood that I have recently been following.  He and his wife chose donor insemination to start their family.  He recently published a post asking the viewer if they felt connected to their donor conceived child.  He followed the above image with several photos of himself with his new daughter.  Beautiful photos of them together.

When men ask this question in the group they are generally just beginning their journey addressing their infertility and are grappling with several issues and fears at once.  Usually the grouping is a mix of self doubt, pain, and issues of self worth and manliness.  It’s a hard mix and all interconnected.  

Depending on what stage a man is in,  in his journey,  the answer given to his questions will take hold in different ways.

A man who is still coming to terms with his infertility may take an answer regarding bonding as wishful thinking.  A man who has accepted his diagnosis and who has discussed his feelings and concerns with his partner will be hopeful.  But in the end like any parent to be you just don’t know what will happen and you are simply praying for a healthy kid.

I have found that fathers bonding with their children depends a lot on the father themself.  What kind of person he is.  What is his style.  What are his existing relationships with family, friends, and how he conducts himself in life.

A man that is open and inviting and generally is open usually bonds quicker than a man who is closed off and does not participate in caring and raising of the family children.  It sounds like a cliche but it is generally true that a new father who actively is involved with changing  diapers, helping with feedings, and shares in getting up each night when the baby wakes up will bond quicker than one that actively does not participate or does not want to participate.

For many men parenting does not come easily, for others it does. Bonding by definition requires an attachment or at least a stake in the game.   Most people will admit that any child benefits from an active and involved parent.  Bonding is just that.  Being involved.  Being present.

For many men like Alex they have dreamed of being a parent with their spouse and partner.  They have wanted it and planned and took actions to become a parent.  Sometimes biology does not always work the ways we expected it to.

This post is not an advertisement or endorsement for donor conception.  That is another issue.  This post is about how we bond as humans.  

I had a dad that was a hugger and a kisser.  As kids we saw a man that showed his emotions.  Other dads were not so open.  I had one uncle that scared me as a kid.  He was very gruff but he still loved his kids and they loved him.  Some would say their blood connection bonded them.  I won’t argue that a blood connection is a bond.  But at the same time I have known plenty of bio dads that were not involved / active / participatory parents.

In the end it comes down to the fact that any parent that desires a bond must take actions that create those bonds.  And before actions come desires.  So the advice we give potential dads is simply be involved.  Bonding will usually naturally follow.

Creation and Family

The issues that concern both parents and donor conceived individuals all revolve around creation and family.  

For parents it is the drive to start and raise a family.  For the donor conceived it may be how could and why did their parents use a sperm or egg donor and who is this family that is beyond their reach.  And why would this missing genetic parent give them up.  Why would they donate their gametes.

On social media platforms parents start off posting regarding hope and wishes.  Donor conceived individuals publish either posts asking why or perhaps about siblings they have found.  These are oversimplifications and are not stated to make light of anyone's story.

The communities we have access to in the USA are primarily virtual, internet based communities.  Communication and contact is primarily on line and behind a wall that allows positive and negative reactions that elicit equally strong reactions.

I have always been jealous of the in person dynamic of the UK Donor Conception Network.  I would love to sit and have everyone in rooms together discussing issues and feelings.

I had lunch earlier this year, pre pandemic, with two other DI dads like myself.  It was a great experience to get together and just say hello.  Both guys are named Vincent and one I had already met a few times over the years as he is also here in NYC.  The second Vincent was down from Canada.  I have blogged about this meeting before.  At least I think I did.

I enjoy speaking with individuals, learning, discussing these topics as I want to help more than I have.  In truth we are all one family.  The pandemic has taught us that.  I just want everyone to help each other.  Creation and family.  A lot to think about.

Pardon me for today's rambling.

Sperm Donation Google Ad vs Opinion Piece

I admit I don't read all the articles out there anymore regarding donor conception. For some reason I linked to the above opinion piece titled "Our Selfish Creation of Human Life" which was run back on August 5th in the Sydney Morning Herald. Certainly it was the article's title that drew me in. The intent and direction of the piece and the writer's position are quite evident from the get go.

What made me laugh was the placement of the Google Ad below the headline and before the article's text. Double click the image to enlarge it if you have to.

It may not be the same ad if you link through now but it will probably be on the same topic. I am sure the writer would have been disgusted by this placement as it works against the piece. Or maybe it doesn't. Getting paid $1,200 a month is nothing to laugh at but here I could do nothing else. I just found it very funny. Even though it is clearly not a subject to laugh it. I am sorry but I did anyway.

Old Friends, New Friends

This morning when I dropped my kids off at camp I ran into an old friend whose child started at the camp last week. There are a lot of kids and they are broken up into different groups as most camps do so they all did not know each other before today.

What was interesting is I know this child's story and it's a typical single mom by choice / donor conception story. The three kid's have no idea how similar their stories are. They just see each other as normal kids which they are.

I Finally Saw "The Kids Are All Right"

Well I finally got to see the movie "The Kids are All Right".

Spoiler Alert.

I found all the scenes of the two teenagers interactions with their donor and the scenes of how they made contact spot on with what I expected to see and the scenes were played by the three actors quite well and with respect for the interactions they were portraying.

As I am not a lesbian mom I cannot say if the parent's reactions were what I expected or what would occur. What I can say is that the characters portrayed by Benning and Moore could very easily been a heterosexual couple and the movie played out almost exactly the same. I can see how introducing a new individual into a long term marriage with similiar issues of "appreciation" could go the exact same way.

One fear of many DI Dads I have interacted with on the DI Dads Yahoo group is the fantasy / concern that a spouse may end up wanting to sleep with the donor if they ever met. The reality is this probably rarely if ever happens as 99% of hetero couples will never meet the donors they chose.

Are lesbian couples more likely to invite a donor to their home so all parties can meet? Perhaps as they might find a male donor less threatening than a hetero couple certainly would. But as I saw in this movie as the married Moms were at a point where one mom was vulnerable she allowed / initiated "something more" with their donor. At this point the movie became more about infidelity and reconciliation than donor conception.

Overall I felt the movie addressed each issue (donor conception / infidelity) as it would be played out in real life and it should be commended for that. I just hoped the two issues would never had to be mixed as I felt bad that these teenagers now forever will link the infidelity to their donor and the relationship will probably never progress beyond that point.

Announcing the 2008 Donor Conception Blog Awards

It's that time of year when the blog world all goes a twitter at who was nominated and who is being voted best in their respective categories.

I was thinking let's start our own Donor Conception Blog Awards in the following categories (if you think of other categories let me know):

(1) Donor Conceived
(2) Choice Mom / SMC via DI
(3) TTC - DE - male or female authored
(4) TTC - DI (MFI) - male or female authored
(5) Donors - Former or Current
(6) TTC - 2 Moms
(7) DE / DI - Mom & Dad family
(8) DE / DI - LGBT
(9) General DC Issues

If you believe one or more of these categories should be consolidated let me know. If enough individuals believe this is worthwhile let me know and we can set this up.

I figure since the DC blogging world is not all that big we should start with only three nominated blogs in each category. If anyone has an idea for an award logo or nomination logo let me know as well.

Teenage Donor Conception Literature - Fiction

Over the next few weeks I plan on reading each of the below fictional donor conception / insemination books. I am debating whether I will be leaving the dust jackets at home as my fellow subway / bus riders will no doubt wonder what a 40 something man is reading what are obviously books aimed at teenagers and teenage girls at that.

I posted the synopsis for each book on the DI Dads Yahoo group and one of the initial reactions was that neither synopsis mentions anything about a social father who raises and wants the child while the first book seems to indicate that the Choice Mom later married and bore children with her fertile husband prompting a discussion about real men and a call for a book featuring a DI Dad.

After I finish each I will post a review and my comments. I admit I will be reading each wondering what my own kids would be thinking if they were the reader much less my own reactions.

My So Called Family
by Courtney Sheinmel

Pub. Date: October 2008
ISBN-13: 9781416957850
Age Range: 9 to 12

Synopsis per Barnes & Noble:

"Leah Hoffman-Ross just moved to New York and she wants her new friends to think she's a typical thirteen-year-old. But Leah has a secret: She doesn't have a father; she has a donor. Before Leah was born, her mother went to Lyon's Reproductive Services and picked Donor 730. Now Leah has a stepfather and a little brother, and her mom thinks that they should be all the family Leah needs.

Despite her attempts to fit in and be normal, Leah can't help but feel like something is missing. When she finds the link to the Lyon's Sibling Registry, Leah has to see if she has any half siblings. And when she discovers that one of the other kids from Donor 730 is a girl her age, Leah will do anything to meet her -- even if she has to hide it from everybody else."

The Other Half of Me
by Emily Franklin

Pub. Date: September 2007
ISBN-13: 9780385904490
Age Range: Young Adult

Synopsis per Barnes & Noble”

“Jenny Fitzgerald has been outside the huddle, trying to fit in to her sports-obsessed family. The only time she knows the score is when she's holding an egg-carton palette and painting on a canvas, but even then she feels as though something is missing.

Unlike her three younger siblings, Jenny knows her biological father only as Donor #142.

As Jenny's 16th summer draws to a close, she feels more alienated than ever. But then a chance meeting with gorgeous über-jock Tate leads Jenny to reach out to someone else who might know exactly how she feels. With Tate by her side, Jenny searches for a genetic relative in the Donor Sibling Registry and discovers that she has a half sister, Alexa. Jenny hopes their budding relationship will fill the gaps in her life, but when Alexa shows up on her doorstep for a surprise visit, the changes in Jenny's world are much bigger than she could ever have imagined.”

Donor Conception New York

In my quest to find other donor conceived children and families here in the NYC area it was asked of me whether a gathering sponsored by Donor Conception New York would be open to donor conceived adults to which my response was of course that it would be.

While many of my posts have discussed finding families to develop a local network with the concept and focus being the future of my kids the truth is that without that network being comprised of kids and adults from every age (and their families) such a network would lose out on the experiences of its members.

In the short term Donor Conception New York (the blog and yahoo group) are I hope vehicles to start and find new connections and work torwards a gathering or series of gatherings in late 2008 or most likely in 2009 in the NYC area. As to what the long term holds I cannot say as we first must see if the short term can be a reality.

The initial interest was encouraging but trying sustain that interest and find individuals is the greater trick. So if you are donor conceived or part of a donor conceived family here in the NYC area please say hello.

Washington Post: Donor Conception Articles

no. 315

In addition to the Sperm Donor article the Washington Post is running two other articles in tomorrow's paper regarding donor conception:

The first article is from a donor-conceived person who found her donor titled:

"My Father Was an Anonymous Sperm Donor"

By Katrina Clark
Washington Post
Sunday, December 17, 2006; Page B01

A full copy of this article can also be found in this blog's Annex.

The second article starts out discussing Mary Cheney, the vice-president's lesbian daughter, who is expecting but launches into a full discussion about donor conception:

"It's All in the Genes, Except When It Isn't"

By Liza Mundy
Washington Post
Sunday, December 17, 2006; Page B01