Known Donors. Movie Spoiler Alert.

Spoiler Alert. Semi recent movie. Admit I watched it for the female protagonist. Did not expect the ending but should have seen it coming. Good cast. 

Known donors are generally in the news in court cases either arguing the donor has no place in the donor conceived's life or that they owe some sort of obligation. 

Tricky subject. In reality and in the movies. Was not focus of 97% of this movie but did play a role in hindsight for how the characters' lives played out. 

Web Chat to Coincide with PBS Premier of "Donor Unknown"

This Thursday October 20th, I will be participating in a telephone chat to coincide with the US premier on PBS of the documentary Donor Unknown. As I understand it, the chat will be recorded and be available to listen to on the PBS website set up for the documentary.

The documentary is being premiered as part of the Independent Lens series on PBS. The participants on the chat are slated to include myself and :

Lindsay, a donor conceived adult who blogs over at "Confessions of a Cryokid"
http://cryokidconfessions.blogspot.com/

Jerry: Director of Donor Unknown
http://donorunknown.com/production-team

Steve: Marketing & Communications Manager for Independent Lens

I expect it to be an interesting chat. Hopefully some of you will look for it, listen and then comment on both the movie and the chat. You can link through the images above for the Independent Lens site to see the trailer and clips from the movie. Link below to see the resources page on the Independent Lens movie site.

One amusement is that the resources description of my blog has me having two boys. My daughter was not to thrilled. They were amused to see my blog linked to from a PBS website though.

Kung Fu Panda 2 - Importance of Bloodlines in a Family ?

In Kung Fu Panda 2, the story involves Po's (jack Black) examining his relationship with his dad and the importance (or non-importance) of bloodlines in a family.

You can guess then that I am interested in taking my kids to see this film to see their reactions to this plot line and use it as a tool to further a discussion of what they understand about families.

But alas, neither child (ages 9 and 7) wants to see the movie. If I force them to go that would not help so I am stuck wondering.

Has anyone taken their kids and discussed this part of the story with their kids? Did anyone who saw the movie even realize this was part of the story? How was it addressed? I am curious for feedback.

The reviews I am reading here on Common Sense indicate the adoption story line may be a bit intense for younger children and the bad guy is truly bad and the film is much darker than the first one.

Another View of "Donor Unknown"

Kim from the blog “Where Love and Chaos Reign” left a comment earlier today on an earlier post that she was disappointed with the film “Donor Unknown”. She posted a full review of her thoughts on her blog which I found quite interesting and worthwhile to read and encourage folks to do. Yes, I realize I have spending a lot of time and text on this one movie.


Kim and I each came away from the movie with different thoughts and perspectives. I was struck by much of what she wrote. Two statements have stayed with me. I think these statements stuck as I don’t think my liking the movie was at least consciously driven by these thoughts. But I’d like to expand or explore why.

“the more we hold up movies like “Donor Unknown” as an opportunity for people to understand how are families are built, the more we do ourselves a disservice.”

“holding up the donor as some sort of icon in our families minimizes the completeness of our own familial unit”

How Families Are Built

I am not sure my recommending the movie is holding it up as a model as to how families are built. Yes my children, ages 9 and near 7, look at their half siblings as their brother and sister. And yes those words may be too suggestive as to the relationship they have to these other children at this point. But it helps them to understand the connection to these siblings in a way that the term “half siblings” does not register for them at this time. While my kids use the terms brother / sister at their young ages we have discussed that they are more like distant cousins. They know the difference as they have each other and know most full siblings live with each other.

But returning to Kim’s point I can understand her concern. In the movie, the Fletcher’s mom states at least in reference to the donor that he has to earn his way into being called family. Similarly the half sib Daniele seems to be a step with drawn from Jeffrey, the donor, as opposed to the others who are more interested in developing a relationship to him. But yes seeing the half sibs start treating each other as family may give third parties a misunderstanding as to how we see our family structures expanding or rather are dealing with such issuess due to the use of donor conception.

Donors as Icons and the Minimization of Family

Kim’s post certainly was correct that the eccentricities of Jeffrey help make the Donor Unknown movie interesting. Although I think had the movie had a donor who was a normal married man with two kids of his own 20 years out past his college / sperm donation years it would have been more interesting to me. I certainly did not look at Jeffrey as an icon and I don’t believe any of the siblings who participated in the movie thought so either. Although the fantasies they had of the donor prior to learning about him do evoke that image of the possible perfect father figure.

I am wondering if thoughts or concerns that interest in a donor can result in views that a family configuration would be minimized have to do with the differences in my and Kim’s family units. Certainly two mom families are equal in love shown to children as heterosexual couple families. But I know there are folks out there that may feel children without fathers in the home suffer. Right now my kids 100% of the time live in households missing at least one parent. Each parent is trying their best to let the kids know the other parent is always there even if not in the same house, So my focus is not on the donor. But again my kids at school are not seen as possibly “missing” something that kids from sex parent households may encounter. I don’t know. I know I never felt our family was minimized by thoughts of the donor. Certainly I did not get the feeling from the movie that any of the young people who came from same sex households felt their families were minimized.

Again I think Kim's review is worthwhile reading. I am curious for your reactions to my thoughts and Kim's full review.

My Full Review of "Donor Unknown" - A Must See

This morning I posted my initial reactions to the new indie film “Donor Unknown” that premiered this week at the Tribeca Film Festival. Now I am posting my second set of reactions based on notes I took while watching the film. Overall I am still very impressed by the movie. I have questions though, comments and observations. Spoiler alert as I am discussing specifics of the movie.

Lies re Not Telling

Sibling Daniele Pagano stated in the film that her parents did not tell her until she was 13 that she was donor conceived and she was angry at being lied at. I wished the film had explored those emotions further. Also of the six siblings we met, was Daniele the only sibling whose parents were a heterosexual couple? I think of the main five siblings she was but I was not sure. No direct effect on the movie’s premise of the siblings finding each other and finding and meeting their donor Jeffrey Harrison but still a fact I was interested in.

Dating Half Siblings

I was happy that the movie addressed Rachel’s concerns of dating a half sibling or blood relative. It is a valid concern of both the donor conceived individual and of their parents. Especially when as Wendy Kramer explained in the film that the “limits” promised by the sperm banks is not enforced and as she demonstrated by example that unrelated Donor 1476 had 58 offspring. Again not directly affecting the movie’s premise but was glad they addressed and brought out this issue.

Donation Rooms

When we started the process of choosing donors the first donor we used was from California Cryobank. We looked at both California and Fairfax as recommended by the clinic we were then working with. Cappy Rothman’s stroll from as he stated “Masterbation Room” to room was very creepy. Did he really say that or a variation of that? I don’t think the donor conceived or prospective parents really needed to see the pornographic images. I am glad the film makers showed it as he stated it but in reality these were images that these parties just really don’t want in our memories.

Donor Remuneration

Certainly the issue of donors being paid for their sperm was noted when Jeffrey Harrison, Donor 150, admitted that for years his payments helped him pay the rent. Although in his case I was happier to know the money paid his rent as opposed to your standard college student who uses the money to supplement their beer money. Jeffrey Harrison certainly appeared to have altruistic intentions mixed with his realization that this was an easier pay day than many jobs out there.

Donor Fantasies and Realities

Jeffrey Harrison as a donor and as a human being is certainly one of those people as he described that lives on the fringe of society. A self described fringe monkey. He seems like a man who honestly believes in truth (as he sees it) and living his life as a free spirit. The reactions to him by the siblings was compassionate and interested. Certainly it was clear that at least one sibling had no desire to meet him and felt that the contact initiated was enough to answer her questions. The honesty of the siblings as to whom they expected their donor would be was typical as I expect of all donor conceived fantasies of who and what their donor might be. In truth reality might now live up to expectations. This movie made that clear. But as a man this man helped bring these individuals together and his willingness to step forward is a gift.

Welcome to the Family

At this point my children refer to their half siblings as their brother and sister just as many of the movie’s siblings have decided to do. The amateur genealogist in me loved the chart that JoEllen put together showing the inter-family relationships that the Donor 150 siblings have to each other. It’s amazing to watch how quickly these young people seem to bond. Granted the movie condenses its presentation of the time these siblings found each other and the development of these relationships. The scene of four of the 14 known siblings in either Ryan or Roxanne’s California home was fun to watch.

I also enjoyed the scene where Fletcher’s mom states she is not yet into the new reality of the expanding family her son is now part of and that she is being drawn into. Her statement that Jeffrey must earn his place in the family is something I believe every parent (bio or social) immediately connects to but in reality the acceptance of Jeffrey, or any donor found, is up to the donor conceived individual’s and the parents will be dragged into accepting it or at least dealing with it.

The movie “The Kid’s Are All Right” demonstrated how the kid’s brought their donor into their home’s front door. The crazy affair entered into by Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo played more into the fantasy / horror that some parties have of what could happen if a donor is contacted and found. That story line was interesting as it played out like many movie play out infidelity fears and its effect on families. It just played with a same sex marriage being betrayed by one of its spouses. It was at that point that it was no longer a donor conception movie to me and destroyed any short term and possibly long term contact those teenagers might have had with their donor.

The images of Jeffrey riding bikes with JoEllen, Fletcher, and I believe Roxanne were great fun. I admit I did wonder whether this was suggested by one of the siblings or Jeffrey or perhaps the film makers.

In this movie, it is clear that a few of the siblings will maintain continued contact with Jeffrey and it is unclear if the others will or will not. It was also interesting and a bit sad at the end, after the siblings departed, when Jeffrey commented that it is “back to the birds” and that he still had his puppies.

In Summary

Overall I liked the movie and as I stated in my first post I think the movie did what it set out to do. It introduced us to how the siblings found each other (thanks to Wendy and Ryan once again for the DSR) and their first meeting with their donor. The courage of Jeffrey to step forward in reaction to the initial NY Times story must be applauded. Certainly not every donor would. His actions are the exception. His statement that it is the right of the [donor conceived] to meet or not should be the norm. The movie Donor Unknown should not be missed as it is a great step forward in addressing the underlying issues and putting real faces to the stories. Does it FULLY address and delve deeply into the hard core issues of anonymous donors, donor remuneration, cryobank screening of donors? No, but it brings the issues to the surface. It is not some cutesy romantic comedy / melodrama using donor conception as a prop to sell movie tickets claiming it is groundbreaking movie making. This movie stars the real kids and they were all right.

I Finally Saw "The Kids Are All Right"

Well I finally got to see the movie "The Kids are All Right".

Spoiler Alert.

I found all the scenes of the two teenagers interactions with their donor and the scenes of how they made contact spot on with what I expected to see and the scenes were played by the three actors quite well and with respect for the interactions they were portraying.

As I am not a lesbian mom I cannot say if the parent's reactions were what I expected or what would occur. What I can say is that the characters portrayed by Benning and Moore could very easily been a heterosexual couple and the movie played out almost exactly the same. I can see how introducing a new individual into a long term marriage with similiar issues of "appreciation" could go the exact same way.

One fear of many DI Dads I have interacted with on the DI Dads Yahoo group is the fantasy / concern that a spouse may end up wanting to sleep with the donor if they ever met. The reality is this probably rarely if ever happens as 99% of hetero couples will never meet the donors they chose.

Are lesbian couples more likely to invite a donor to their home so all parties can meet? Perhaps as they might find a male donor less threatening than a hetero couple certainly would. But as I saw in this movie as the married Moms were at a point where one mom was vulnerable she allowed / initiated "something more" with their donor. At this point the movie became more about infidelity and reconciliation than donor conception.

Overall I felt the movie addressed each issue (donor conception / infidelity) as it would be played out in real life and it should be commended for that. I just hoped the two issues would never had to be mixed as I felt bad that these teenagers now forever will link the infidelity to their donor and the relationship will probably never progress beyond that point.

The Switch: A Donor Conception Movie ?

Is the new Jennifer Aniston movie, "The Switch", truly a donor conception movie?

Sure the main character is impregnated using a turkey baster with sperm from a cup so technically yes it is. And yes the intent was to use a known donor where the mother to be was not considering having the donor involved in the life of her child. But something about this just seems to me to be another dumb movie where the mother probably ends up with the donor and they all live happily after without truly addressing the issues that affect individuals, couples and the children created.

The Kids are Alright from all reports addresses the actual issues. This romantic comedy seems to be one that was shot purely for comedic value and just another twist for the old story line where two friends realize they should be together and the path taken to get there.

Movies: "The Kid's Are All Right"

A majority of the reviews I have read or seen so far are positive for the movie "The Kid's Are All Right". Link to NYT Review. Granted all of these reviewers probably have no connection to donor conception outside flicks like this. They each go on how this is a accurate representation of how a family interacts between parents and teenagers etc.

But can they really say this is accurate for a family with two moms from an insider's perspective ? I don't know as I am just a heterosexual DI Dad and I know very few two mommy familes much less with teenage kids. I must remember to ask the mom's of one of my son's classmates for their reaction or if they even plan on seeing the film.

I do want to see this in the theatre but to be honest I want to see Grown Ups with Adam Sandler first.

Movie Review: The Kids Are All Right

I stumbled upon a trailer for "The Kids Are All Right" on IMDB and the movie in one line is about "Two children conceived by artificial insemination [to lesbian moms] bring their birth father into their family life." The movie stars Julianne Moore and Annette Bening as the moms, Mark Ruffalo as their sperm donor.

After watching the trailer I can say it looks cute and challenges how people look at the definition of familes etc. My main concern with any of these movies is how donor conceived children, such as my own at young ages, would look at the images being portrayed. Granted my kids are way too young to see this flick much less get it.

I must admit my kids are still young so the old fear still exists, on some level, about being replaced by their donor father. I thought that fear was long put to rest but now as a separated dad I can say it is still there and maybe that fear has more to do with a fear that their mom will remarry someday and is not really a donor fear thing.

But films like this may at the same time raise expectations for some donor conceived kids that they can easily find their donor and make them part of their lives when I think many donors still want to remain anonymous. I don't know. Maybe I am just tired.

My kids may someday want to find their donor and I still hold to the belief that if asked I will either help them or not dissaude them from their wish to search.

Do you think movies like this are (a) merely capitalizing on the topic of donor conception, (b) promote healthy discussion of the topic, or (c) don't even register for most people?

Jennifer Lopez : Mom via Donor Insemination in "Plan B"

According to the NY Daily News story linked HERE Jennifer Lopez will star in a film titled "Plan B" where she will attempt to conceive a child via donor insemination.

No word whether (a) her character is planning to be a choice mom / single mom by choice or (b) whether her character's husband has male factor infertility issues or (c) whether her character is one half of lesbian couple. My bet it's choice "a".

If there is a DI Dad in the picture perhaps we can get the script to include him in the yahoo group.

Donor Insemination Sibling Search as Comedy?

no. 392

I am not making up the following plot line for a new comedy sitcome to be I guess broadcast on You tube.

Excerpts per the website Chortle (linked above):

"The plot concerns a brother and sister – played by comics Neil Edmond and Emma Fryer - who discover that their father was a prolific sperm donor and travel through Europe in search of their many siblings."

"The comedy, called Where are the Joneses?, features a five-minute episode every day, over a 12-week run."

"Viewers can then suggest scripts, plots or new characters for the show, which Baby Cow writers will incorporate into the story."

A DI Dad's Movie Review: "And Then Came Love"

no. 391

This past weekend I saw with my wife the new Vanessa Williams movie where her character, Julie, is a choice mom via DI and she tracks the donor down. I don't want to give too much of the plot away ( I have actually done so quite extensively in previous posts about the movie) as I do think it is a movie worth seeing.

There are a few weak points in the donor side of the story (based on my knowledge) but overall I thought it was handled responsibly and put the issue in the public eye with some honest feelings behind it.

Two issues jumped out at me. (1) The donor indicates to Julie when they first meet that while in college he donated his sperm for the money (generally the case) but that he then decided against continuing and that he donated only the one time. From what I know donors who do not continue giving would not be offered generally on the open market. And you would think that the first batch donated would also be lost to testing for diseases etc in addition to various blood tests. (2) When Julie reads the donor profile out loud at one point she mentions the college where the donor was attending. While I know some programs openly market as having donors from XYZ college I still think it is rare and it was a loose end in my mind.

The most interesting donor conception tidbit in the movie I noted was from watching how they portrayed the donor conceived child. I was interested as it became clear that from the child's perspective he obviously was aware that he had no dad but it appeared clear to me that the "disclosure" discussion between mother and son never went farther than it was only "a mommy and son family". Seeing this in person in the NYC playgrounds and then here on screen made it clear to me that even in these households it is hard to easily explain these things and life passes quickly so even parents who intend to disclose and feel it is obvious don't always have the disclosure discussion as early as they would hope. Yes the child was only tops 6 or 7 so even if the mom did tell him the odds are the kid would not get it.

But back to the movie. The casting was great. Seeing Eartha Kitt as Vanessa's mom was perfect. Kevin Daniels as the donor was a good choice.

It is playing through only this Friday in NYC after that in limited run around the country. check out their website for dates, places amd times. [www.andthencamelove.com] As I said overall a cute fun movie while addressing some of the seriousness of the issue. This is not another "Made in America" and is worth seeing.

After the movie there was a short Q&A with Caytha Jentiss the movie's writer / producer and the two leads. At this I thanked herfor her writing and for responsibly putting forward an image of a DI mom and child family.

NYC Premiere Donor Insemination Movie: "And Then Came Love"

no. 380

DI Movie: "Semen, Una Historia de Amor" (Semen, A Love Story).

no. 372

How's this for a DI related movie: a Spanish language comedy (subtitled in English) called "Semen, Una Historia de Amor" (Semen, A Love Story). It's about a man working in a donor insemination lab. I heard about it from a DI mom who follows this blog. I have to rent this and watch it. It almost sounds like a Roberto Bennini movie (the guy who wrote and directed Life is Beautiful ).

"A hapless technician in a donor insemination clinic meets a young, single woman and finds himself quite taken with her. Later that same day she comes to his clinic to be inseminated. After accidentally breaking her sample, he of course replaces it with his own (because he doesn't want to get in trouble). She gets pregnant, they start dating, he really wants to tell her but can't, he finds out she is a surrogate for her sister. He REALLY doesn't want her to give his baby away so he kidnaps it from the hospital but he gets the wrong baby. Now he needs to return the baby but can't figure out how. Somehow he gets an address from the other baby's records and when he goes there, it's a fire station. When he talks to them they say "Oh yes, isn't it sad that someone would abandon a baby on our doorstep." He finally confides his deception to the girl, she forgives him, the sister keeps his baby and they keep the abandoned one."

Ok, how's that for a theme for a comedy? And I was concerned about the movie "And Then Came Love" starring Vanessa Williams which at least takes the donor conception topic seriously. Yes I know this Semen movie is fiction, and apparently a screwball comedy, but I would wonder what that kid will think if told his or her conception story. "Well kid this is how your aunt and uncle (bio parents) met... "

BBC One Drama 4/20 "All About Me"

no. 357

BBC One Program Reminder for 2:05 pm on Friday April 20, 2007

Link to my original post to see a synopsis of the one hour drama inspired by the changing DI / AI laws in the UK. For additional details link here to the PDF document posted by the DC Network about the program.

Vanessa Williams "And Then Came Love" - Sperm Donor Search Movie (with additional comments)

no. 356

The release date for this movie has been announced as June 1, 2007 (per IMDB) The blog post links to the site of the production company Fox Meadow Films which merely states to expect a Summer release.

Recall that the earlier working titles for this movie were in most recent first order: "Somebody Like You" and "Who Needs 'Em?". My bet was that the first title could be seen as anti-men and that's why it was dropped.

The brief synopsis for this movie per the official website is as follows:

"Julie (mid 40s), a successful Manhattan columnist believes she has it all - a great job, a rent controlled apartment, a boyfriend and best of all, an adorable six-year-old son named Jake.

Her perfect world, however, is rocked when she’s called in for an emergency parent-teacher conference and learns that her son has been acting up, needs to be ‘tested’ and is on the brink of expulsion. Julie places genetic blame on Jake’s father whom she does not know as Jake was conceived through an anonymous donor. Through a private investigator, Julie is able to learn the identity of the donor and meets him. Julie has neither intention nor desire to reveal her identity to him, she simply needs to check her sources, get the facts, and move on."

There is a lot more to the plot which you can read on their site. Obviously this movie is romantic coomedy movie with serious undertones. Until we see it and read the script it is hard to tell if they address the issues of donor conception as more than just a mechanical vehicle to take us from the donor once found to the love interest / father figure for the child created.

UPDATED COMMENTS:

When I posted the above text earlier I did not see the trailer posted on the movie site linked through the post title. It looks cute and I apparently mischaracterized the premise as it appears that the mom apparently starts falling for the donor while at the same time a relationship develops between the child and the donor (even though both child and donor don't yet know the reality of their connection). Yes I am probably giving too much of the story away but I am not saying anything that their synopsis doesn't say itself.

What I am concerned about is whether this movie will make kids born into Choice Mom families start saying where is my bio father? Granted in this story the mom is a single heterosexual so the fantasy of the child's mom finding and falling for the donor is possible. Also what message does that send to children born to married mothers (like mine)? Will my kids look for me to be displaced? Probably not but it adds to the fears of DI Dads. And what of kids born into families where the mom may be lesbian and there is no chance of mom falling for dad?

OK, I realize this movie is not meant to answer the really hard questions but you wonder what level of responsibility the writers felt if any to the larger donor conception community. I'd love to interview the them and ask.

"All About Me" New BBC Drama Exploring Donor Conception, The Search For Identity, And The Nature Of Family

no. 351

The above named drama will premier on Friday April 20th On BBC 1 At 2.05pm.

Medical News Today
Article Date: 03 Apr 2007 - 11:00 PDT

"ALL ABOUT ME by Malcolm Campbell explores donor insemination, genetic inheritance and the damage of secrets and lies.

The drama was inspired by recent changes in the laws regarding donor anonymity for sperm and egg donors. Donor conceived children now have the right [in the UK] to trace their donor parents, just as adopted children do."

"ALL ABOUT ME comes from triple BAFTA award-winning indie Resource Base, commissioned by BBC Education and BBC Daytime in a first co-production."

If anyone can secure a copy of this drama or provide a review once it airs I'd be interested to hear about it. We have yet to see a serious take on donor conception on TV or in the movies here in the US. It is presumed that the Vanessa William movie will be more serious than "Made in America" ever was but is still being promoted as less than a hard core drama from what I have seen.

2007 Sundance Film Festival Entry Includes Sperm Donor Plot

no. 328

Salt Lake Tribune
By Ellen Fagg

Article Last Updated: 01/24/2007 01:44:50 AM MST

"....In "Never Forever," a complicated, graphic love triangle, [Vera] Farmiga's Sophie is a rich, impeccably-dressed wife with a halo of blond feathery curls who secretly seeks a sperm donor when her Korean-American husband can't father a child......"

IMDB listing

Sperm Donor Movie : Re-Titled Yet Again !

no. 327

It appears that within the last week the IMDB listing for this movie has now listed it under the title "And Then Came Love". So the working title history so far includes in most recent order "Somebody Like You" and originally "Who Needs 'Em?".

Should we take bets what other titles it may change to before it completes post-production and is released? The movie stars Vanessa Williams and is directed by Richard Schenkman. The movie also stars Ken Daniels, Michael Boatman, and Eartha Kitt.

Update re Vanessa Williams Sperm Donor Film: Retitled "Somebody Like You"

no. 325

As previously discussed, back on 6/28/06 and 6/27/06, the plot of the film is that Williams seeks out the sperm donor that she used to create her child but is unhappy to find out who and what he really is (and no he is not Ted Danson from "Made in America").

Anyhow for anybody looking to find this film when it is eventually released it has changed it's title from "Who Needs 'Em" (assuming this was a reference to men in general and the donor in particular) to "Somebody Like You" (assuming this refers to a character which is the Williams love interest.

Updates as they come out will be probbaly posted on the IMDB site and this Yahoo site.