AFA Mtg re Donor Conception for Parents

AFA SPECIAL PARENTING SEMINAR

"The American Fertility Association invites you to a Special Parenting Seminar on Monday, December 10, 2007 from 7-9pm. Admission is free but space is very limited. You must register prior to the seminar date to attend.

For those considering using a egg/sperm donor it is a rare opportunity to meet other parents who are now parenting donor children.

For parents of egg/sperm donor children, it is a chance to exchange thoughts, ideas and learn helpful tools that may assist you with the unique, yet similar, challenges of raising children created through this family building option.

And finally, for those who wondered about “who are these donors”, it can be a great opportunity to hear how some donors view their roles in this amazing process.

For more information or to register please contact:
Patricia Mendell, LCSW, at (718) 230-9383
Location: 902 Broadway (between 20- 21 Street) 13th floor "

Daily Tasks: Check for Half Siblings. Done That.

One of the issues confronting a number of donor conceived individuals, like their adoptee counterparts, is the curiosity and desire to know if they have “family” or at least biological relatives out there.

As opposed to their adoptee counterparts today’s generation of donor conceived have online registries that they may have registered themselves on or that their parents have done so via their donor numbers if those numbers are known. A few months after learning of the Donor Sibling Registry I registered each of my children under their common’s donor’s number and cryobank.

I have to wonder in this age of the Internet how many parents, biological or social, check these registries on almost an obsessive basis to determine if new half-siblings have registered or whether their donor has registered. It’s not something I do everyday anymore but I do admit to checking at least once a week if not more. Sometimes I don’t even realize I am doing it I just find myself linking from this blog or off the main Yahoo DSR discussion group.

As much as I wonder about the parents of very young children checking on a periodic basis I wonder what the frequency is for donor conceived individuals themselves. Certainly for those that only know the clinic’s name or that of the doctor such action is not possible but for those individuals that do know enough info what is their thought process and do they check more often just because they can?

Will the ability to easily check these registries push the desire to know more to an obsessive level and if no additional entries are ever made for their donors will it further an unhealthy level of loss? For some individuals the feelings of loss are obviously normal emotions to have in this regard but are we fueling these emotions by the ease of these searches?

In the long run the benefits these registries provide between creating kinship and allowing the exchange of medical information among families far outweigh the remote possibility of creating an obsessive “checker”. Like anything Internet related I guess it just comes down to using it in moderation and looking at it as a tool.

NY Times Blog: “Relative Choices”

The subtitle for the NY Times blog “Relative Choices” is “Adoption and the American Family”. As Bill Cordray has been stating for many years a number of issues confronting the donor conceived mirror those addressed by the adoption community. Each day that I read this blog I wish that issues surrounding donor conception were addressed openly in an international forum such as the New York Times. I recommend this blog heartily for anyone with an interest in this area.

I have written or rather tried to write the appropriate party at the New York Times to ask if this blog could be expanded to address donor conception in some manner. I have had no luck so far even determining who that person may be. Even once a week or even two weeks would be a great start. Certainly there are many blogs out whose focus is donor conception and each them is worthy of national attention for the issues they address. But somehow I think if the NY Times can be persuaded to include donor conception to their blog it would be a great step forward in recognizing the issues confronting donor conceived individuals and their families.

I have thought of creating a new blog which would hopefully draw from the wide field of advocates in the donor community where their opinions, stories, and thoughts could be brought together in one place apart from their standard platforms which could be used as a Journal much like the Relative Choices blog. If you think this a worthwhile endeavor and I will pursue it.

Have I done enough for now regarding my children conceived via donor insemination?

I guess it’s been about 3 months now since I have updated this blog on a daily basis. I realized today I am a member of nine yahoo groups other than the DI Dads yahoo group. When this topic took up more of my non working awake hours I would spend my time reading everything trying to learn as much as I can and see if I am missing something that would help me explain everything to my kids. Lately since I have taken a breather when I go back to these other groups I find myself partly overwhelmed and partly detached.

I certainly don't feel detached from my kids as they occupy, happily, all my time when I am home. It's just that the DI issue is not and I recognize should not be a part of my or their every waking moment. The reality of their conception just becomes another medical (and social fact) fact of their lives and for the moment I am leaving it as that. The “telling” conversations will certainly continue when the issue appropriately presents itself. But I wonder sometimes if I am supposed to do something more now and what and why.

Pardon me is your child donor conceived?

As I have discussed my son has a classmate who was donor conceived. My wife and I guessed this as he has two mommies. That was an easy guess. But sometimes when you meet a mom with a child and you never hear about a dad or you know nothing of the mom's background you wonder.

You certainly can't ask. At least most of us can't ask. And no my wife did not just ask the person I am writing this post with her in mind. But sometimes you wonder is this a child that my son or daughter has this in common with. Is this someone they can grow up with and have someone to share feelings with on a topic that very few kids have to deal with?

Graham Swift's Book "Tomorrow" - Disclosure as Fodder for Fear

I have posted about the book “Tomorrow” before but after reading the NYT book review today I am concerned that the book's theme of fear only strengthens individual arguments not to tell denying young adults and all donor conceived individuals the right to the truth of who they are. It appears also to maginalize a DI Dads contribution and gives the children the right to push their social fathers away upon learning the truth.

What's wild is that according to the reviewer the mother paints a picture of a happy loving family where there is strongly bonded relationship between the twins and their dad, their father.

“Listen to your father, he’s got something important to say,” she says. “And then he’ll be nobody, he’ll be what you make of him. If you want, you can even tell him to leave.”

What struck me was the mother's statements that while truthful if fact that telling may affect their relationship with their father and that they, the children, have the right after learning the truth to tell him to go away. This man for all purposes is their father despite the biological link. To give these children, in this case young adults, permission to cast this man out only serves to heighten fears and is not based in reality.

If my children were to react in shock at learning at 16 this news I would certainly give them space to process this info and even understand the immediate resentment which could follow but as a father I would never submit to being told to leave. My children are my children and I would expect to continue to care for them as a father and to help them in any way I could. In short I expect I would fight to retain their love.

As I have not read the book I can't say why this couple waited until the children were 16 as it seems almost the worst age range to tell. Teenagers already have enough going on that to add this issue seems cruel.

Based on what I understand to be the fears of the mother it sounds like she should have joined the UK Donor Conception network and read the how to tell pamphlets before she got all worked up compounding her fears which surely will be felt by her children possibly introducing two new emotion into their young lives, embarrassment and shame, for an act that they had no control over.

Pulling Me Back In?

I am currently entrenched in a new non donor conception blog but certain factors are beginning to pull me back into the donor conception part of my world as an active participant. In reality I never really fully left as I still check in and read all the DI Dads Yahoo group posts and I follow what the main discussion lines being addressed over the DSR Yahoo groups. But I admit my heart lately has been in my new neighborhood based blog. It is just more fun for me as the topics are much lighter.

So what's bringing me back. Lets see my son's kindergarten class is soon to bbegin their family structures unit and I have been talking about this DI stuff with one of the moms from his class. You may recall that one of his classmates has two mommies and the facts of his birth are much more evident than in our house. Well maybe not the facts as to a bunch of kindergartners their first reaction will b to this child not having a daddy in the house.

The other factor is my trading emails (several) over the last day with a mom who has a beeautiful little DI conceived daughter about her goal to start a new support organization for donor conception families (current or TTC) and she came to me for advice as her husband is a DI Dads Yahoo group member among other factors that lead her to me. Pretty flattering I must say.

At the same time our emails have addressed various issues and tonight I sent an email to various friends who I have met in the US DC community about this woman's goal as I began such a quest about two years ago only to see the effort stall due to various factors inclusing concerns of duplication of services and competiton for resources (people and dollars). You may recal the posts I published about my hoping to start a US version of the UK DC Network. I do think the DCN is the model with defined connections into the many areas that the DSR completely covers. Our community is too small to step on toes and I am trying to advise her where I can.

Bloggers Choice Awards - Nominated Best Parenting Blog

Ok, I admit it I nominated this blog for a Blogger's Choice Award in the Best Parenting Blog category. Now why did I do it. I am not exactly sure. Part of me needed a pick me up.

Part of me was tired of rarely if ever seeing a donor conception related blog on these things. The categories never seem to fit us. Am I rebelling against the system? I wouldn't go that far but perhaps a tiny bit.

Well this blog is now nominated whatever my reasons were so if you like this blog please vote for it.

Telling at School - Continued - "Me Too ?"

I had originally posted the below text on the Yahoo DI Dads discussion group but got no responses. I had intended to publish it here only after processing what responses I would receive there. Here goes anyway.....

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I wanted to throw a question out to the dads of kids already in or past (or way past)kindergarten. My son started K this past month. As I wrote on my blog my wife asked me whether we should tell the teacher as they have a big unit on family structures etc. My gut was to let our son take the lead.

Yes he knows the words DI, donor, half siblings etc but I cannot say he fully gets it yet and I am not pushing him but at the same time the topic is openly discussed especially when we exchange emails and pictures with his and his sister's half sibling.

In his class is another DI child (via his two mommies and the sperm they purchased etc). She told me her son knows he has no dad just his two mommies. My wife approached this mom and told her our story etc and then I on another day disclosed my blog etc.

Anyhow this mommy (FYI she is the social parent like me) asked me if we expect to be open and have our son explain it all himself (or what he can). I at first said that I will let my son take the lead and if it comes up it will come up. I am now thinking that perhaps when her son explains (if he does and what he can) it would be a good time for my son to also say "me too". Granted he has a daddy but like his friend his beginnings are essentially identical.

This might be a way for them both to "not feel different" when addressing a very different story than the rest of their class. I was curious what the dads of kids who are not toddlers and below think about this.

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Now since drafting this I said to myself I don't expect to push my son into telling as it has to be his decision and he obviously has to understand or have an idea as to what he is even telling. Should be an interesting unit when it comes up.

Mo Rocca 180: Whose Your Sperm Donor Daddy?

Comedian Mo Rocca posted the below text and video on his site:

There's a sperm bank-ruptcy crisis in America right now. The AP reports: "A ban on sperm from all European countries with exposure to mad cow disease means U.S. sperm banks are running low." The ban includes sperm from 30 countries.

So American women are facing narrower choices. As The New York Post put it:

"Couples who once hoped to purchase samples from square-jawed, strapping Norsemen living in Lillehammer will have to settle for locksmiths, bartenders and struggling writers from less exotic locales, such as Bensonhurst, Brooklyn, Rego Park, Queens, and Hackensack, N.J."

Given the increasingly limited options, how would you answer the questions we posed to New York's women...

Meeting Another DI Child

My son does not realize it yet but he has a classmate that like him was DI conceived. Whether that makes it easier for either of them is unclear but if they both stay in this school they will be able to have each other to turn to for the next 6 years if they ever questions that their parents can't answer or if they choose not to pose to us.

In our last neighborhood we knew one or two kids who were DI conceived to single moms. This child is the first he's met, or we've met, who has two moms.

My wife was the first to introduce ourselves to one of this child's moms. I guess, knowing that families and their structures are a major part of this kindergarten's curriculum she wanted to say hello to this family and let them know that their son is not alone.

When I formally met this mom I indicated meeting other DI parents was new for us. This mom like me is the social parent and from what my wife told me we are the first heterosexual couple she has met that used DI. I somehow felt compelled to disclose this blog and how I had spent the last two years writing it and being totally absorbed by this stuff.

Anyhow it gives me some comfort to know there is another kid nearby that is more like my son than either of them even know......for now.

The Left Handed Gene Did Not Come From Me

Last week I took my son and his two grandfathers to a New York Mets game. Like many 5 year olds his attention span is not that long especially for topics he is not totally enthralled by. This being his second baseball game in his life he was more interested in the food. The kid scarfed down a hot dog, popcorn, cotton candy and ice cream and he was not sick. If he did get sick it would be my fault (per his mother) for all three adults succumbing to his suckering us into buying him all that "food".

Anyhow between eating and mildly paying attention to the game he spent much of his time writing down the names of subway and LIRR stations into his speckle covered composition notebook. My dad was amazed that his grandson was a lefty. He commented that in generations of of our family there has never been a lefty. I reminded him that those generations stopped with me and the other granddad (my father-in-law) was a lefty. He replied that you can "inherit" being a lefty? It was all said in fun and I felt no pain.

I just hope that this kid's handwriting will improve. But I have yet to meet a lefty whose handwriting is really that neat. Poor kid.

New School Year - New Decisions re Telling

School starts here in NYC on Tuesday. My son is starting kindergarten and a big project for his class will be examining families. It should be interesting to see how this develops. As I have said before he is aware that a donor helped create him and his sister. My wife asked me the other day whether we should tell his teacher before it comes up but I am prone to let him take the lead. If the teacher asks we can answer and certainly if she indicates he had any kind of an issue tring to explain it. My bet is it doesn't even come up. Stay tuned.

My Two Year Blogiversary

On August 15th or thereabouts this blog turned two. Like a number of two year olds it became a little cranky. Not in the nature of its posts but its writer became cranky or at least that is what my wife told me I had become.

For those two years I felt I needed to post on a frequent basis. Well those feelings took their toll and besides wanting a venue as noted below where I could be more creative I guess I needed to step back for a while and just be a dad. I have even taken steps to empower others to be more active on the DI Dads Yahoo group.

While these issues are still very important in my family's life which only time will tell how important. I must let the children point the way. My son again is aware that a donor helped create him, his sister and T. My daughter has heard the discussions but she does not yet seem to grasp what it means even at the level he did at her age. Time will tell.

I am not closing ths blog down yet. Nor do I expect to as I still see visitors dropping in even with nothing new posted. I expect as circumstances dictate I will drop back for an occasional post. For those of you that I count as friends I wish you well and hope to follow your stories and videos on your blogs and perhaps you will honor me with an email once in a while as I hope to do the same.
Good luck.

Secrets of a Donor Conception Blogger

I have to admit lately I've been seeing another blog.....or rather writing one.

No she's not another donor conception blog. In fact "she" / it is totally unrelated to donor conception. I decided I needed another venue where I also could be more creative. Not creative like Vee or Max but more along the lines of creating a footprint in the community I live in. It's sort of a travelogue / what's going on here and there type of blog.

It has allowed me to play as opposed to thinking about all this stuff all the time when I am sitting in front of the keyboard. I am not the only blog in my little "town" but I have a niche. The only problem is now I need to catch up on my Harry Potter reading.

Irish Case of Sperm Donor vs Lesbian Couple

no. 408

First off let's state a few facts as I gleaned them from the various articles about this case. In short this is not a simple case involving an anonymous sperm donor or even a ID-release donor. This is case stemming from a known donor who was involved from the beginning.

The sperm donor was known to the couple and there was a contract between the parties laying out the expectations of the parties even going so far as stating that if the bio mom were to die the sperm donor would have some parental rights as to how the child would be raised. The contract even specified visitation rights. The lawsuits appear to have began after the women began to cut down or stop allowing the sperm donor the right to see the child and after the lesbian couple announced plans for protracted travel out of Ireland with the possibiilty of emigration to Australia.

The court made references to the best interests of the child and that the first years are critical to the development of a bond between "father and son". In this case from what I see this donor was acknlowledged as both father and dad as to both his existence and to his ability to interact with the child. This is not a case where the donor anonymously gave up his sperm to a clinic only to recant his decision and want interaction. This man had that interaction and was the father (beyond the obvious biological connection). Yes he rarely saw the child based on the visitation rights agreed to but all parties acknowledge his connection and right to it in some form.

In my mind this case while involving the use of donor insemination to create this child is nothing more than a custody case between parents. It should only be precedential to similiar fact patterns. I respectfuly disagree with any parties that argue that this case is a precedent that sperm donors are something more than a father biologicaly, defined in its narrowest sense, where these facts don't exist.

Irish Independent Journal, UTV Ireland, UK TimesOnline, USA Today, UK Daily Mail, UK Scotsman

NY Times : "Your Gamete, Myself" - Donor Egg Stories

no. 407

"Your Gametes, Myself"
Peggy Orenstein
NY TImes Magazine
July 15, 2007

I just found out about this article and plan to read it tonight and add my comments later.

The article can be linked to through this blog's post title.

Canada Supreme Court: Live In Husband = Dad

no. 406

Supreme Court won't hear 'single mother by choice' case

Common-law wife sought sole legal responsibility for child from sperm donor

Janice Tibbetts, CanWest News Service

Published: Friday, July 13, 2007

© The Vancouver Sun 2007

Excerpts:

“OTTAWA -- The Supreme Court of Canada declined Thursday to consider the case of an Alberta mother seeking to absolve her common-law husband of legal parenting responsibilities of a child she conceived through an anonymous sperm donor because her partner didn't want a baby.”

A three-judge panel, by convention, did not give reasons for refusing to grant leave to appeal in the closely watched case of Jane Doe, which has raised questions about parental freedoms when stacked against the rights of the child.

Jane Doe, described in court documents as a Calgary professional with more than 10 years experience, wanted to have a child with her common-law husband John Doe, but he did not. So she sought a sperm donor and the child was born in August 2005.

The couple agreed to write a contract clearing John Doe of any legal responsibility but, before signing the deal, they decided to go to court to see if it was legally sound under Alberta law.”

….

“The Supreme Court's decision Thursday to reject the case effectively upholds a ruling last winter in the Alberta Court of Appeal.

The Alberta court focused on the rights of the child by concluding that John Doe, by choosing to remain in a live-in relationship with the child's mother, could not dodge parental responsibilities toward a child living under the same roof.”

….

“The Doe case has spawned numerous opinion articles in newspapers, some of which condemned the Alberta court for failing to side with single mothers in their quest to be free of state interference in deciding whether to parent on their own.

Andrea Mrozek, a spokeswoman for the Ottawa-based Institute of Marriage and Family Canada, said Thursday she rejects the premise that the case is about the right of couples to make parenting decisions. "I see it as not actually being about single moms as it being about the rights of the child," she said.”

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Comments: My first reaction is what kind of marriage is this and how could this man expect to not be looked up to as a father figure to any resulting child especially if living as husband and wife, even if not under the law.

A Donor Egg Story - When No Woman is Mother

no. 405

The Nation's Pulse

The American Spectator

Motherless in Maryland -- Roberto de.B's Twins

By James M. Thunder

Published 7/11/2007 12:07:52 AM

I came upon the American Spectator op-ed column yesterday listed above and linked to HERE that examined the Maryland court case In re Roberto d.B. I don't usually read what I refer to as political magazines but when I saw this column, via Google, I was intrigued as I had read about the case earlier this year and posted a link to a news story, see here for that post, but I had not seen much in the way of op-ed pieces about it.

In short the case involves a man who made arrangements for an egg donor to donate to him eggs for the obvious purpose of inseminating them and having a surrogate carry the embryos to term. After the delivery of the resulting twin girls the hospital and state listed the surrogate as the mother. The man, who is listed as the father petitioned the courts to have the surrogate's name removed from the birth certificates and won.

The article made me wonder about situations when gay men arrange for donor egg and surrogates to carry the resulting embryos. How are those birth certificates filed? Who is generally listed as the mother? The egg donor or the surrogate?

Again I am unsure if I agree with all of the writers views but it was an interesting article to read and struck a chord in me regarding the rights of the children born and I wondered how they will react as they grow up with no mother at all listed on their birth certificates.

ABC Primetime Donor Insemination Story - My Reactions

no. 404

"The Name Behind the Number
Child of a Sperm Donor Starts a Web Site to Find His Secret Family"

Below are copies of the two comments I left on the ABC Primetime site in response to the program I watched earlier this evening. Comment One may sound a bit like "what about me" and that was not my intent. I read an email on the Yahoo DI Dads group that ran along similiar lines and and received another from another member which were in line with my own reactions so I wrote it as it came out of my brain. It is what it is.

Comment Two:

On a different note I want to say again congratulations to the Kramers, the DSR and all the donor conceived families that appeared on this program. Like many others as a result of the DSR my own two children now have a half sibling found via the DSR and the relationship that will grown over the years will always be precious to them and for that we thank Ryan and Wendy. Regards.

Comment One:

While I was happy to see Ryan and Anna meet as well as the other three donor kids meet I must admit a good part of the segment left me with a slightly sour taste in my mouth. I am a father to two children conceived by donor insemination. No I am not their donor I am their dad. Constantly through out the piece the reporter indicated that the donor conceived individuals were searching for their fathers as opposed to their donors. Yes I understand that the donors biologically are indeed these individual's fathers and there is strong need for the individuals to connect to who they came from. I know this stuff and understand it as I write and blog about it pretty much every day for the last two years.

What I am referring to is the media's continuing goal to sensationalize this very serious topic. The constant photos of Donor 150, I apologize as I have forgotten his name, as a young man posing as a male model were unneeded. There was nothing in the piece to acknowledge that Anna's dad is raising this young woman and perhaps put aside his own feelings for the benefit of his daughter yet the piece keeps referring to the donor fathers without addressing the other men who might be out there.

Again I write about this stuff each day on my blog. I am also writing as I moderate a discussion group of social fathers, DI Dads, where the reactions to this piece were pretty much along these lines. Anyone that knows me knows the needs of the children and donor conceived adults should come first and for many they will continue to search for their "fathers" as that is their desire and the terminalogy they use but here in this piece the term aws thrown around so much by the narrating reporter that it is no wonder so many heterosexual couples that use DI continue to conceal their use of DI. If you want to help bring DI out into the open and remove stigmas and work towards reform you have to address all members of the donor conception community.