Looking for NYC Metro Area Parents of Donor Conception Conceived Children - Are You Out There?

How many of you are from the NYC Tri-State area?

Would you consider getting together for a picnic in Central Park with your family?

If enough individuals are interested I would love to make such a gathering happen.

UPDATE:

Information regarding a possible NYC Gathering will be focused on a new Yahoo Discussion Group I created today and my existing related blog Donor Conception - New York.

Video of Donor 1096 Half Sibs - Family Reunion

This video made me cry as it was a great representation of how these 6 kids appear to be adjusting well by their knowledge of their conception stories. OK, I admit this topic gets me emotional as I still have fears as to how my kids will process their own story as they get older.

There are many who feel that in a fashion parents like me essentialy brain wash our kids to feel OK about their conception and who later in life will, in their words, feel their loss greater. I fully believe it depends on the child so I push back when I hear blanket statements.

I wish my kids lived closer to their half sibling as I do wish all three of them could spend more time together. Seeing how the Donor 1096 sibs act with each other was a nice way to spend a few minutes during my lunch hour.

Eric Jacobson featured in the video is a member of the DI Dads Yahoo Group and I want to thank him for sharing this video:

Another Month Gone By....

Over the past few days I have found myself increasingly curious what is out there regarding donor conception and even responded to a post I on the DSR blog on the DSR Yahoo Group. Essentially I still wish more men came to groups like the DI Dads Yahoo group so they can discuss their feelings / thoughts regarding DI with other men before they flatly tell their wives that as a couple they will never tell the children their conception stories.

Thoughts, repeated, this Father's Day

I wrote the below words last year as an op-ed piece for the NY Times which they never ran. They were my thoughts then and still apply today. I thought I would indulge myself and post them again today with this Sunday being Father's Day:

With Father's Day on the horizon my thoughts stray to the man whose gift allowed my children to come into being. This man is not the doctor or mid wife that delivered them. This man is their sperm donor. My children were conceived via Donor Insemination.

Without this man's gift, these children would never have come into being and into my and my wife's life. I am occasionally asked if I resent that this man could do what I could not. I can comfortably say I do not. On the contrary I want to thank him.

When I was diagnosed with non-obstructive azoospermia 12 years ago I was told that I should expect to never have children of my own. The fact that my children are not biologically linked to me has never lessened my love for them nor my belief that they are indeed my children. At the same time I am cognizant that there is another man whose role cannot be nor should be minimized.

To me he is and is not simply their donor. For now to my children he is in effect non-existent as they don't fully understand the concept of donor insemination. They have been told of their conception story and that a donor was used but this is still too much for them to truly comprehend as they are both less than six years old. Someday soon this will change and I wonder how that will play out. For now the knowledge of his existence rests with my wife and me and as I see it I have a responsibility to not let the truth of him fade away.

The lives of my children are as much connected to him as they are to me. I do not pretend to argue nurture is greater than nature but rather together play a role in these children's lives. I have his bios, medical, social, and educational. I have a toddler picture of him and a recording of his voice. All of this info is being saved for them as it is part of who they are.

Everyday I see articles addressing infertility and the use of donor conception from the side of the couples going through infertility, women choosing single motherhood, or lesbian or gay couples looking to start families. There are court cases around the country redefining what is family and who has the right to be legally defined as a parent or not. Under New York State law I am considered the legal father to my children. But despite that fact I know that someday my children will wonder about the man that is one half of their genetic make up.

Most heterosexual families of donor conceived children choose to never tell their children of the conception story fearing the child will turn against the social parent or for fear or shame of the perceived stigmas of using another person’s sperm or eggs to create their children. In my opinion these parents do so for their own reasons and not for the benefit of the children who have a right to the truth. I recently contributed an essay to a book series titled “Voices of Donor Conception” and have been increasingly involved in the discussions of these topics on the Internet.

The central issues surrounding donor conception, including donor anonymity, regulation and reform, have been or are being addressed in several countries around the world including Great Britain, Australia, New Zealand and Canada among others. The United States has not yet entered that discussion and currently there are no federal laws directly regulating the sale of gametes [i] nor are there any regulations imposed on the administration of the various cryobanks and clinics that solicit gamete donations and sell these gametes to the public. I am in favor of reforming the practices of this industry but I am not here today for that purpose.

I no longer fear the donor’s shadow but rather acknowledge his presence and if my children ask that his contribution be honored this or on a future Father’s Day I must honor their wishes if I am half the father I believe myself to be to them. So on their behalf I wish him a Happy Father’s Day and I say to him thank you for allowing me to do the same.

[i] “Reproduction and Responsibility: The Regulation of New Biotechnologies” The President's Council on Bioethics, Washington, D.C., March 2004, Chapter 6

School Charts and Family Trees

The following post is the text of a message I left on the Yahoo DI Dads Discussion group this evening:

It's been a while since I have posted and I admit I have not been checking in as much as I used to due mostly to the fact that being aDI Dad has not realy been in the forefront of my mind lately. My mind has been busy with just being a dad, husband, breadwinner etc.

Anyhow tonight I was reading to my 6 year old before bedtime and we ran out of books to read so I grabbed the "Let Me Explain" book byJane Schnitter. This is the book where the story is told by a 7 or 8 year old girl how she was born using donor insemination.

I am not exactly sure why I chose this book but I have to think it had something to do with a sibling / family addition chart his kindergarten class had in school where I noticed a few days ago that my son had added a male sibling where he does not have one. I had asked him at school how he came to have a brother when he knows its just him and his sister and he merely indicated he had wanted a brother. I told him if anything he could include his female halfsibling as she really does exist. I realized however to include her would require using the term "sister" which in our home we do not use to describe this little girl. I did not say that to him but Iwondered if he would make the connection.

After reading the "Let Me Explain" book which spoke about how the little girl got her genes from her mom and some from the donor I decided to draw out a family tree so my son could see the relationship between himself and others in our extended family. As an aside I have to say that we use the term "donor" in our housewhere there are folks out there that use less clinical words. It is how we started and how the kids know the man whose sperm helped create them. My son also has a problem saying or remembering the word "donor" so occasionally he will say "owner" (how I hear it) which he finds amusing as to him he is only saying "onor" and gets embarrased by his forgetting the "d".

Anyway we drew out the chart including the donor and my children's half sibling as well as her mom (they are a single mommy family). We also included my sister and her family as well as my wife's brother and his family. We also drew out all of the individuals who reside in my children's grandparent's generation and their parents as well. Let's just say the page was getting a little crowded.

While drawing the chart for purposes of showing shared genes I drew the lines to my kids as solid lines from my wife and the donor and a dotted line from me to the kids. My son later drew over this dotted line as a solid line conecting me to him and his sister. I will admit I smiled at that not truly knowing what made him do that or really why. I can say to myself he did it to make me more real but (1) I know I am real so that thought is silly and (2) I have no idea what he was thinking and I should have asked to see what he would say but the moment passed quickly.

When we finished the rough hand sketched chart he asked if he could bring it to school and I paused and stated that we should wait before he does that. He did not push the issue so I was not required to say why or why not I had made that decision which I was happy about as I was not ready to answer it myself despite the fact that some of the other parents already know our story.

All in all an interesting week as I had not been thinking about thisstuff too much lately.

I hope everyone is well and not getting a Summer cold which I nowhave and truly is annoying in 100 degree temps in the NYC subwaysystem.

Eric

Meeting Their Half Sibling - Again

Tomorrow we drive South so the kids can spend the weekend with their half sibling. We are staying at their house and the kids are real excited. Tonight was Purim so the kids were up later than usual and we are hoping that does not throw their schedule out of whack. Big day of driving and hopefully the kids are good. Exciting stuff.

Blog Maintenance and Modifications

My goal is over the next week to work on this blog changing its look and physical composition. Adding maybe another column and stuff like that and re-organizing the sidebar which is terribly out of date and a mess. It's a dream but maybe I can get to it.

When Infertility Issues Are No Longer the Issue....

Over the last two weeks or so I have been reading the blog of a person many of us in the infertlity related on-line world have come to see as a friend. The pain she is writing about now is not one of lost cycles but of the fears she and her husband are facing. The issue is now the possible diagnosis of her husband having liver cancer and / or testicular cancer.

I am referring to Max and Vee. Many of us recall Max's male infertility related blog, Dynamo Dad, until he stopped writing it choosing to focus on other pursuits while he and Vee continued on their quest for a baby via DI. The videos they have submitted to the three International Infertility Film Festivals held to date, have each been wonderful and usually have garnered many positive comments for how perfectly the video the submissions nailed each festival's theme. Their entry to the Third IIFF "The Recipe" is just one example.

For all of us the issue is clear that we all pray that they find no cancer and these two wonderful people not be plaqued any further with such pain and fear. It is said that life is not fair. It is not right for life to be cruel to anyone much less a couple such as these two. My thoughts are very much on these two. I hope perhaps that your thoughts will think of them too. They say positive energy has amazing powers. Perhaps this energy can help from across the globe.

DNA Tests and Pre-Existing Conditions - Insurance Fears

There is an interesting article on line in the New York Times, February 24, 2008, regarding DNA tests and fears regarding insurance coverage. I have often wondered if this could be a problem regarding testing the DNA of my children and that of their donor (via sperm vials I still have in storage).

The article was written by Amy Harmon for the Times who covers many of these medical issues as well as the donor conception series she ran a couple of years ago. I am tempted to write to her about this angle but I would be more concerned on he insurance industry picking on the concern and causing long term problems.

My gut is if you test the "donor only" the child cannot be held to a pre-existing condition if te condition has not been diagnosed as being current and real. the problems mightbegin if you test and disclose the results of any tests on the children.

Second Meetings….Postponed

Tomorrow it’s supposed to snow. I hope it really snows bad. We were supposed to be driving South to spend the weekend with “T” and her mom at their house. When I told my son that due to the weather we were postponing the trip he was very very upset and crying uncontrollably.

Now as he is my child I know he was crying for a number of reasons including not being able to see his half sibling who he was very much looking forward to seeing. He was also crying as the trip was an adventure and a chance to be in a rent-a-car. He was also crying as he wants very badly to see “T”’s puppy before the dog is no longer a puppy. The boy has wanted a dog for as long as I can remember.

It’s hard to say how much a 5 year old, sorry 5 ¾ year old, can miss another child, they really barely know each other but I guess at their ages (“T” turned 5 last month) they can sense at least what we already know that they are connected in some way beyond just being a friend.

Certainly we treat the relationship differently than a simple friend. We have a few pictures of our kids with “T” around and they periodically view the home movies of them with T from their first and only meeting (weekend) to date. When we talk about being created with the help of a donor we always refer to T as well as her story as it is part of their story. So for our kids to know “T” is someone special and above other mere mortals is not surprising, so when a planned weekend we have been talking about on and off for some time is postponed it is natural that the kids should be disappointed and be upset.

So I hope it really snows bad up and down the Northeast and Middle Atlantic seaboard so I can justify to my kids, and ourselves, why they are not seeing “T” this weekend.

Picking a Donor Based on Their Silhouette ?

I saw online this evening that Fairfax Cryobank is now offering donor silhouettes. Based on the celebrity silhouettes I don't think many couples will truly use this as a determining factor but you never know.

I guess it seems unlikely but who knows maybe if someone looked at a profile and saw the donor had a nose or jaw line that protruded too much / too little perhaps they would rethink that donor but who knows.

Based on the below silhouette profiles I am not sure I would have chosen any of these guys despite now knowing their celebity pedigree. Also it is me or does the Tom Cruise profile look like scary old man?



I may be opening up a can of worms but somehow this topic made me think of this very funny People for Ethical Treatment of Animals ad:

A Second Meeting, One Year 6 Months Later

In August 2006, my kids first met their half sibling "T", and at the end of this month, if all goes as planned, the kids will meet for a second time.

During the last year they have exchanged cards, drawings and the occasional phone call. My kids have watched the video of themselves with "T" numerous times and see the picture of them all together whenever it has not fallen behind my son's dresser.

This meeting will be quite different than the first as it is not on the neutral ground of the hotel we met in and the first day we spent at a theme park. We are traveling to "T's house and per the plan staying with "T" and her mom. I expect the kids will have lots of fun and also get on each other's nerves by the time the weekend finishes.

We thought about doing the tourist thing in "T"'s city and I am sure there will be a bit of that but for right now just the thought of the kids playing in the backyard and hanging out is enough for me to hope for and see them reacquaint themselves with each other. Building any real relationship takes time and familiarity.

Probably until they are all a few years older a true relationship will not fully take hold. But for now just seeing them have some fun and begin to build some memories is all I can really hope for.

Reactions to Yesterday’s Oprah Episode Regarding Donor Insemination

Overall my reaction to this Oprah show episode is that we need to engage Dr. Matthew Niedner as a face and voice to promote donor conception reformation and regulation. The former donor very eloquently spoke that the industry is still the “wild, wild west “and needs to be regulated. Wendy Kramer pointed out in support that there are a number of donor listings on the Donor Sibling Registry that by the sheer number of half siblings proves that point.

Overall the most moving segments of the show involved the video meeting of Stacey Smedley and Chris her half sibling. These two could have been twins and watching the video of them not being able to take their eyes off each other was amazing.

The segment with the live and video interviews of the adult donor offspring (Kristina, Susan, Kathleen and Katrina) was moving but for me nothing new as each of their stories (or stories like theirs) I had heard before. I don’t say that to belittle what they said at all but after two and a half years I am fully cognizant of the range of emotions each of these woman have. It is these emotions that keep me blogging (albeit not as often) as my children may go through each of these emotions. Two of these women knew from very early on their conception story just as my children do.

When I went to the Oprah website this evening I saw two or three discussion threads in reaction to the show. One was 76 comments in length and another 4 comments in length when I visited the site. I started to draft a comment but it got lost when I disabled my pop up blocker. I was reacting to a single comment about where were the dads like me to the guests who had dads like me. The truth is the story is about the donor conceived individuals themselves and the donors. Yes we dads have our own story but I don’t see Oprah doing a show on us dads anytime soon. The story should always be about the individuals created in this unregulated system and how these individuals cope and process the story of their creation.

All in all there was not to much new for me to learn by this episode. For someone brand new to the topic I think it was worthwhile. I think the biggest positive was it was not sensationalistic, its brings the issue back into the public eye, and the number of visitors to the Donor Sibling Registry will again spike tonight leading to many more matches of half siblings and perhaps a few donors to offspring who desire such connections be found.

Wendy, Ryan – You both looked great. My regards to both of you!

And yes I checked our donor # on the DSR and it’s still just my two kids and “T” their half sibling.

My Son Now Realizes the Donor Is a Real Person. I Think.

One of the downsides to referring to the donor, as the donor, is that it does dehumanize that person. Yesterday my kids had a play date with one of his classmates, in this case the boy who like my son is donor conceived and has two moms.

While tucking my son in I mentioned that like he and his sister have a common donor and are full siblings and that similarly his classmate and his baby brother also are full siblings as they share a common donor. I realized my son did not understand that the donor was a man like me when he asked whether the donor was a man or a woman. I explained that the donor was a man like me but that his sperm “worked” where mine did not and that is why we needed his help in making he and his sister. I reminded him that “T” their half sibling was created like them from the donor's sperm and an egg provided by her mommy.

I explained that the donor was a young man when he sold/gave his sperm to the sperm bank and that he is older now and may have a family of his own and that those children would also technically be my son’s half siblings. My son then asked if we know if there really are any more half-siblings like “T” out there. I said I did not know but I check the list where I found out about “T”.

I did not give the “donor” another name as I don’t really know what to call him. I did not go as far as to tell me my son that someday if he wishes he may want to meet this man. I did tell him that no matter what I will always be his and his sister’s daddy and that I love them both very very much. He smiled at that. I was afraid to humanize the donor too much as I was scared to, in effect, out right state that this man is his biological father and possibly scare my 5 ¾ year old son into thinking this man may come for him as the thought that I may place a fear into his head was in my own.

When I told my wife of this conversation she asked how in depth were our son’s questions or was I pushing the subject. I admitted that I started the conversation but I had not pushed the topic on him and would have changed the topic if he showed no interest in it.

TV Planner: Oprah Feb 8 Episode re Donor Conception

On February 8th the Oprah Winfrey Show expects to run a show to be taped this week titled "The Ultimate Reunion: When Dad is a Sperm Donor". Wendy and Ryan Kramer were involved in the show in so far as putting individuals who matched through the Donor Sibling Registry in touch with the producers and they themselves will be at the show.

According to Wendy, the Oprah folks, in November, went and filmed a meeting between two adult donor conceived half siblings that met via the DSR and is flying these individuals to Chicago for the show. The show is also expected to include two donors (each listed on the DSR), one of whom who has met with offspring and the other who hasn't. Wendy also indicated on a Yahoo DSR posting that a few adult donor conceived individuals are expected to be part of the show as well.

A few posters to the DSR Yahoo Group commented that they hope the show will also address the disappointment that is also common to donor conceived individuals and their familes who have never found a match.

It does not sound like the show will address any feelings or thoughts from the perspective of a dad like me but still I hope to watch it on tape when I get home that day or a delayed broadcast from another networj that carries the show.

Donor or Father ?

The other night I saw a post on the Yahoo DSR group by Tom, a donor conceived adult, that was part of a thread addressing the ongoing debate and fact that donors are indeed fathers, biological fathers at a minimum. Tom stated the following as part of a larger post:

My point is this: *all other things being equal* a biological parentwill be better than a non-biologically related parent. And quite significantly better too.

Something about his post made me respond with the following:

We live in a strange world all of us on this site. For each of the heterosexual families out here they certainly would have preferred to not go through infertility and the subsequent choices they made but here we are. Whether it was right or wrong no longer matters now that we are here.

The trick is now dealing with the deck we have created and determining what is best for the kids. I try my best every day to bethe best father, dad, whatever term you want to apply to my kids. Sometimes I do well and others I screw up and forget they are only 5 and 3 and expect to much of them but I believe in all cases I am acting as their dad through and through.

I was struck by Tom's use of the phrase "all other things being equal". Yes without a doubt the sperm donor is the natural father to my children. If he had married my wife and produced these kids with her and raised them I am sure he'd be a great father to him. But he did not and was not part of that particular equation.

His part in the process so far has been genetic and the kids have grown thus far due to a mix of his genetic and my nuture. Which one has played a greater part? The question is irrelevant and unfair to them and to each man involved. If we look at it in that manner it makes it a competition and does not serve any purpose but force the children to look at me as competing with a ghost.

If the kids someday look to find this man and create some sort of relationship so be it. But the fact is at this point his contribution has been in the creation and what his genes bring to these kids. I am not discounting this man as his contributions help define who these children are but I still believe until these children define him as the father that decision is their alone.

Tom Cruise: A DI Dad ?

According to reports of Andrew Morton's new unauthorized biography of Tom Cruise, baby Suri is the product of donor insemination using frozen sperm of late Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.

I am not even sure what to say to this. I am doubting the veracity of the story but it sounds a bit like the plot line from the Boys from Brazil albeit without little Suri duplicates dispersed around the world.

Random Thoughts at Holiday Time

Tonight while at my wife’s parents apartment for Christmas dinner my kids were horsing around with their grandfather on his bed. Just normal kid stuff jumping around, pillow fights, grand pa knocking them down with his feet etc. But the random thought that jumped into my head was that no matter what relationship I have with them that this man will always be “more” related [biologically] to them than me. The thought stayed with me enough this evening that I thought I would post it here. In reality this is a fact and nothing more but it still is a fact.

AFA Mtg re Donor Conception for Parents

AFA SPECIAL PARENTING SEMINAR

"The American Fertility Association invites you to a Special Parenting Seminar on Monday, December 10, 2007 from 7-9pm. Admission is free but space is very limited. You must register prior to the seminar date to attend.

For those considering using a egg/sperm donor it is a rare opportunity to meet other parents who are now parenting donor children.

For parents of egg/sperm donor children, it is a chance to exchange thoughts, ideas and learn helpful tools that may assist you with the unique, yet similar, challenges of raising children created through this family building option.

And finally, for those who wondered about “who are these donors”, it can be a great opportunity to hear how some donors view their roles in this amazing process.

For more information or to register please contact:
Patricia Mendell, LCSW, at (718) 230-9383
Location: 902 Broadway (between 20- 21 Street) 13th floor "

Daily Tasks: Check for Half Siblings. Done That.

One of the issues confronting a number of donor conceived individuals, like their adoptee counterparts, is the curiosity and desire to know if they have “family” or at least biological relatives out there.

As opposed to their adoptee counterparts today’s generation of donor conceived have online registries that they may have registered themselves on or that their parents have done so via their donor numbers if those numbers are known. A few months after learning of the Donor Sibling Registry I registered each of my children under their common’s donor’s number and cryobank.

I have to wonder in this age of the Internet how many parents, biological or social, check these registries on almost an obsessive basis to determine if new half-siblings have registered or whether their donor has registered. It’s not something I do everyday anymore but I do admit to checking at least once a week if not more. Sometimes I don’t even realize I am doing it I just find myself linking from this blog or off the main Yahoo DSR discussion group.

As much as I wonder about the parents of very young children checking on a periodic basis I wonder what the frequency is for donor conceived individuals themselves. Certainly for those that only know the clinic’s name or that of the doctor such action is not possible but for those individuals that do know enough info what is their thought process and do they check more often just because they can?

Will the ability to easily check these registries push the desire to know more to an obsessive level and if no additional entries are ever made for their donors will it further an unhealthy level of loss? For some individuals the feelings of loss are obviously normal emotions to have in this regard but are we fueling these emotions by the ease of these searches?

In the long run the benefits these registries provide between creating kinship and allowing the exchange of medical information among families far outweigh the remote possibility of creating an obsessive “checker”. Like anything Internet related I guess it just comes down to using it in moderation and looking at it as a tool.