Divorce, Separation, Donor Conception, and Me

Over the years I have written this blog I have read plenty of articles dealing with divorce, separation and donor conception. Most of the cases that make the headlines have dealt with lesbian and gay couples and few regarding straight families and the effects of such decisions. I never expected it to be a personal issue. It now is.

My wife and I have separated and are still dealing with the legal side of things. The day to day stuff we are already addressing as I now live in a separate apartment and the kids are already going back and forth depending on the days who has whom. It is still early so it is unclear as to how they are adjusting. To be honest I am still unsure how I am adjusting to not being with the kids every night.

For the most part we will move forward as any family does in this situation. Our one donor conception related issue we have open is the disposition of the remaining vials we still own and are in storage at the cryobank we purchased them from. Other than that we are in agreement as to disclosure as the kids already know and we will address their issues as a family as they get older and ask more questions.

Both moms of their two known half siblings are aware of the situation and have been great about it. To be honest we told each of them when they were all in NYC this past December. In that department I should state that my kids with their mom are headed to Colorado next week for Winter break to share their vacation with Z the little boy that is their half sib that lives out there.

So if I occasionally now discuss the effects of life as a separated dad to donor insemination kids please indulge me.

Z Learns Its Not Easy Having Siblings

My kids and Z learned yesterday what it's like to have siblings. You are no longer the center of attention and butting heads is part of having a brother.

On that note these three are already calling each other by brother / sister terminology. Part of that is due to Z's wanting a "brother" and coming into the meeting with that term in his head. My son who had been using the term half sibling with regards to T up to this point had always also wanted a brother and his desire for one has trumped the desired terminology. At this point I am fine with it.

Generally I would want the terms brother / sister when kids are living with another but here the relationships are already very natural so I am letting them take the lead. We shall see what happens when T is added to the picture this morning.

Just Met Half Sibling Z

Pandemonium in the hotel room. The kids are having a ball. All very silly. Lots of boy craziness. Jumping. Yelling. Amusing. Great photos.

Ten Hours Until Sibling Meeting

It is midnight and in ten hours or thereabout my kids will be meeting their newest half sibling Z, a seven year old boy who is only 6 months younger than my son.

Z and his mom flew in from out of state earlier this evening and are staying in a Midtown hotel but will be staying with us Friday and Saturday nights.

T and her mom are driving up Saturday and will have her first meeting with Z when all the kids get together that day.

More posts as the our three day weekend progresses as we are keeping the kids out of school tomorrow and keeping them out of their normal Saturday activities as well.

If you had four half siblings together in NYC where would you go? I must admit I have not really planned out this weekend. As Z's mom requested we have only one requested stop to see the dinosaurs at the Museum of Natural History other than that the weekend can be laid back and just let the kids interact and get to know each other.

Should be an interesting weekend. I have enabled the blog to be updated remotely so expect a few short blog postings along the way. This post itself was submitted via my blackberry.

Another Half Sibling Found ! December Meeting Planned !

We have learned that my two children have another half sibling. A boy only about 6 months younger than my son.

So counting my two kids, and "T", the little girl we met twice over the last few years, we know of 4 children born from our donor. I plan on referencing the new half sibling as "Z".

And wait the news continues. Both T and Z and their moms are coming to NYC the first weekend in December ! All four kids under one roof. When Z heard about T and my kids he asked his mom when he can meet everyone else and somehow Z's mom got all of us talking and it is happening. Amazing.

Michael Jackson, DI Dad

I am reading all these articles about how Michael Jackson may not have been the biological father and its clear the media intends and has already sensationalized the issue.]

I cannot speak to Michael Jackson's past and the lawsuits etc about his interactions with other children. I was happy this morning to see an article that speaks to him being a good father and that is how the children saw him.

The children may someday want to know more about their biological parents, if the reports are true about the use of donor conception methods, and that should be their right and they should be allowed to pursue that when they each reach that decision if they do.

For now can we all let these children mourn the loss of the man they knew and loved as their daddy and shield them from sensationalism as much as possible.

Happy Belated Fathers Day 2009 !!!

My posting here is getting less and less frequent. Part of that will be even less frequent as work cut off my ability to log into Blogger from my office. Understandable but annoying.

I usually re-post my Fathers Day message from 2007 which I wrote regarding my children's donor. I did not even get to that this year except for this post linking to that post HERE.

Overall a good but wet day here in NYC. Kids are good and nothing truly new here to report. The younger one is completing pre-K and will be starting kindergarten in the same school as her brother next year.

She Has Your Eyes....but Speaks with Someone Else's Hands

I have noticed that I have been writing about once a month. I have meant to write more. So be it.

A few items. During the last month I attended another meeting of the Third Party Parenting Network where I met two other DI Dads and another dad via DE. Other than Vinnie from the Yahoo group and Walter Merricks from the DCN this was the first such meeting in a semi therapy session atmosphere. It was interesting. Nothing truly new but interesting to see the words come out someone elses mouth.

During this last month, the kids participated in another chess tournament. My son did OK but was having a off week overal and it affected his game. But that is not why I am writing this. Another mother we only met that day commented how my daughter's eyes favor my own. I am long past being bothered by these comments and if anything I am flattered as my daughter is real cutey.

My wife made some sort of comment to this woman that she should look past genetics and my wife even almost told this stranger the truth and I stopped her. There was no reason to do so on so many levels. This woman did not pick up on my shorthand that my wife should let the comment pass. It was somewhat amusing that my wife wanted to tell but then again maybe not.

We have been joking lately that the donor must have someone in his family that spoke with their hands as my daughter constantly gestures with her hands when she speaks. It is very cute but we have no idea where it comes from.

am New York: For Sale Sperm $100

As soon as I saw the front page of today's "am New York" newspaper I wondered what my children will think when they see images like this? The article discusses how in these hard economic times the number of individuals interested in donating for money has risen.

Back to my kids I wonder whether my kids will think, their donor, their biological father, simply donated to make a buck? How will that thought affect them.

Doppelgangers, First Impressions, Birth Certificates

Dopplegangers

Both my children play chess and through their classes my daughter met another girl about her age who could be their half siblings doppelganger. The resemblance is not perfect but close enough that my wife and I will occasionally remark about it.

We wonder if our daughter has noticed it (or even our son) as she and her brother have a picture of their half sibling in my son's room. Neither has said anything and we have commented about it to them but it is amusing.


First Impressions

I have not posted in about a month as work and life in general have been busy. We attended a NYC Gathering of donor conceived families and my impressions are posted on the Donor Conception New York blog. I also posted there my thoughts regarding the January meeting I attended of the Third Party Parenting Network here in NYC.


Birth Certificates

I have wanted to write a post regarding birth certificates as I read a couple of other blogs about this issue as it relates to donor conceived kids here in the US as well as the ongoing efforts in the UK to require notations on the certs of kids conceived via donor gametes. We also just submitted passport applications for the kids so the issue has been on my mind as I had to obtain certified copies of their certificates for the applications.

In the US there is a bill before the Missouri legislature that would grant donor conceived individuals greater rights regarding learning more about their donors and also includes provisions regarding birth certificates but the bill lacks teeth to require compliance by out of state cryobanks. I hope to write more about these issues soon.

HBO Documentary: Americam Families

My 6 1/2 year old son was interviewed this weekend for an HBO Family special in collaboration with Rosie O'Donnell which is designed as a celebration of American families today and which will include animated songs, portraits of different families, and kids between the ages of 4 and 7 talking about family. Both of my kids were supposed to be interviewed but my daughter was sick so I stayed home with her.

My son apparently had fun and was fine with being interviewed but was a little taken back by the boom microphone which was covered in a furry mike cover. It will be interesting to see what he said and what their questions were.

My only concern was how they would ask about the donor and from what angle. Biologicaly or not I don't want someone telling my child at less than 7 years old, much less any child, who their father is or is not. But based on what he told me they did not directly ask him about the donor. His mother, my wife, was not allowed on the set during the filming, all of 15 minutes, which did not thrill me but he was fine. He's been away longer when he did all those silly NYC school entrance exams with people I don't know so this did not phase his mom. We had hoped she could be there if anything to video it with a home camera so we'd have the experience on film even if his interview is not used.

Anyhow he has indicated that he explained to them how babies are made, and that a sperm and an egg must come together and that later an embryo will become a baby. He explained that he , his sister and his half sibling all have the same donor. Beyond that he has not stated any details. We actually told him later that night a bit more about his donor from what we know from the cryobank bios. Our feeling is that we want him to fully understand that the donor is a real person and not just an abstract concept and is limited to the sperm he donated. He was being a bit silly so we don't think it sunk in but the info will be added and confirmed through future conversations.

We were told that the special, if it airs, would air sometime late in the year if not in early 2010.

YouTube Video Advertising for a Donor Conceived Fiction Book

I was on FaceBook a short time ago and noticed that the founder of one of the donor conceived interest groups had posted a link to a YouTube video titled "My So-Called Fmily" which is the title of one of the two teenager centered books I referred two a few months back.

It turns out the video which looks a bit like a TV show / movie of the week commercial is an advertisement for the book. Now I have seen everything. Based on the video would you buy the book?

The video was posted by TheClassof2K8. I am not sure whether this party is the author, the video's creator, other interested party.

Donor Conceived Blogs - Individual and Group Efforts

In the past few years that I have been writing this blog I have seen a fair number of individual blogs by donor conceived individuals and websites devoted to the views of political and social positions on this topic.

The above site, Donor Conceived Perspectives, presents in one location blog posts by several donor conceived individuals (many of which maintain individual blogs as well) from varying backgrounds and locations around the world and is definitely worth checking out. My apologies as I am beat otherwise I would write more about this site and others.

On a personal and unrelated note:

I had one of those days where the act of parenting was a challenge. At one point my 6 year old son wanted to go live with another family as he was unhappy as to how he was being punished and even though the incident had nothing to do with donor conception you wonder is this how it will feel when he uses that fact in an argument. By the end of the day everyone was happy again and the incident conciously forgotten by him. But apparently not by me.

The 2008 Creme de la Creme List

My "Father's Day" post has been included on the 2008 Creme de la Creme list of the best infertility / loss / adoption blogs that Melissa over at Stirrup Queens puts together annually. I originaly wrote the post in 2007 but re-ran it in 2008. The list really includes some great posts from a multitude of bloggers at different points in their infertility journey.

Currently Stirrup Queens is a finalist in this years Weblog Awards in the Best Medical / Health Issues category and I believe based on the incredible work she has done clearly deserves the accolade of winning in this category so I ask everyone to vote for her, daily, to ensure she gets this recognition. There are a few days late to vote so please do.

Announcing the 2008 Donor Conception Blog Awards

It's that time of year when the blog world all goes a twitter at who was nominated and who is being voted best in their respective categories.

I was thinking let's start our own Donor Conception Blog Awards in the following categories (if you think of other categories let me know):

(1) Donor Conceived
(2) Choice Mom / SMC via DI
(3) TTC - DE - male or female authored
(4) TTC - DI (MFI) - male or female authored
(5) Donors - Former or Current
(6) TTC - 2 Moms
(7) DE / DI - Mom & Dad family
(8) DE / DI - LGBT
(9) General DC Issues

If you believe one or more of these categories should be consolidated let me know. If enough individuals believe this is worthwhile let me know and we can set this up.

I figure since the DC blogging world is not all that big we should start with only three nominated blogs in each category. If anyone has an idea for an award logo or nomination logo let me know as well.

My Donor Sibling Registry T-Shirt

Back in October 2005 when I first attended the Canadian Infertility Network seminar regarding donor conception I bought anumber of books but passed on the above t-shirt which was for sale. At this year's conference the remaining shirts held by the Infertility Network were basically given away.

So I now own the shirt and occasionally wear it around the apartment. My kids have asked what it means and I have explained what it represents and that the DSR is how we found their half sibling. Their question answered they move on as young children will tend to do.

My wife however has asked me whether I have worn this shirt outside the apartment and actually would rather I do not. Her reasons focus on the fact that our using donor conception is nobody's business but our own and the kids and that I should not be advertising their story. Good points to say the least.

I then mention that maybe I'd wear the shirt at the Third Party Parenting Network meeting we are attending next week. At this she laughs at me and states I am not going to wear the shirt outside the apartment in any way other than under another shirt or sweatshirt ever. This is said clearly and simply in that voice all spouses reserve for each other when they are saying their word is final, that you have lost your marbles, and that people will think you are a nuts.

So I am left with wearing the shirt around the apartment and wondering why then did I take the shirt in the first place. Amusing.

If you are interested in buying your own shirt, if any still exist, I would either contact the DSR directly or the Infertility Network. Happy New Year !

Video: "All About Me - Donor Unknown"

This evening I came upon a video by Alice, a donor conceived adult, in her twenties who set out to learn more about what it means to be donor conceived. I found the video on the British website Teachers.tv.

The video's creation, per the credits, was assisted by the Donor Conception Network, in the UK, and includes interviews by Alice with two families that were included on the DCN "Telling and Talking" DVD. Alice also interview a 14 year old donor conceived young woman who has known since she was a child as well as Andy, a former donor, who now believes the rights of DCPs to learn the identity of their donors outweigh the expectation of anonymity by donors.

The video is overall a worthy addition to the lexicon of videos by donor conceived individuals to educate the public of the issues and questions that go along with DC methods.

Should We Look For Our Sperm Donor?

There is a post on the Yahoo Donor Sibling Registry discussion group about a family that learned that their donor had died. They had been excited as they were making plans to meet and recently learned of his passing.

Makes you wonder, whether despite the legal contract I signed not to look, whether we should be looking. My first responsibilty is to my own kids not ethically whether I must uphold the contract. Should we look now? Just to locate him so we know where to go if the kids are interested to know. If we wait we could lose their opportunity.

Infertility Books (1) Land of IF & (2) Maybe Baby

This post is a hit and run post as I am at work on 12/26 and want to get out of here. My apologies to both authors.

"Navigating the LAND of IF"

I have "known" Melissa Ford, albeit online, for a few years now and I can say therefore I knew her back when as she has become a singular force in the on-line infertility community with her website Stirrup Queens and its related special purpose sites.

She has built, on a personal level, what so many clinics, therapists and national organization can only dream of....a pre-built support system of fellow bloggers and individuals who know exactly what you are going through. The system has peer support for every variation of infertility.

So when she titled her book "Navigating the LAND of IF" you can be sure you will have no better guide than Melissa.

"Maybe Baby"

This afternoon I stopped in at a local chain bookstore and wandered past the infertility section to see what titles were new and to see if the male perspective was being represented at all and was surprised to see that it was. A rare and amazing event had occured. "Maybe Baby" is by the author, Matthew Miller, of the blog by the same name. Perusing the blog today I am amazed at how I missed this great blog and resource for guys going through male factor infertility.

I have read many MFI blogs over the years and most have fallen by the way side once the kids show up but I can say few if any have reached as many readers as Matthew Miller's Maybe Baby blog do. I applaud Mr. Miller for his honesty and humor for putting his life and that of his wife's so pubicly out there. So for those guys out there who are TTC and want something to read on thei daily commute and at home if the Internet is not really your thing pick up this book. I have and I am obviously no longer TTC but want to read what this man has to say.

Regards and Happy Holidays !

Jennifer Lopez : Mom via Donor Insemination in "Plan B"

According to the NY Daily News story linked HERE Jennifer Lopez will star in a film titled "Plan B" where she will attempt to conceive a child via donor insemination.

No word whether (a) her character is planning to be a choice mom / single mom by choice or (b) whether her character's husband has male factor infertility issues or (c) whether her character is one half of lesbian couple. My bet it's choice "a".

If there is a DI Dad in the picture perhaps we can get the script to include him in the yahoo group.