Father's Day - Then & Now

It is hard for me to believe that is now three years since I wrote the below words and submitted it as an op-ed piece for the NY Times which they never ran. They were my thoughts then and generally still apply today. My life and the lives of my children have changed due to issues unrelated to donor conception and I now have concerns how they will process everything together. My life as a blogger has changed and dropped off as other issues and day to day concerns consume my life now. But my concerns for my children are still paramount and I love them more than anything.

As an aside last night I spoke by phone with Z's mom for a time about possibly scheduling trips for the kids to see their half siblings. Maybe they will get the chance this Summer but if not then it looks like Z may come East to NYC in October. My kids would love to see Z and also T. Perhaps we can convince T's mom to bring her up in October for a long weekend so all four kids can have some time together.

For those of that you that were not dealing with these issues back in 2007 I present this post again:

With Father's Day on the horizon my thoughts stray to the man whose gift allowed my children to come into being. This man is not the doctor or mid wife that delivered them. This man is their sperm donor. My children were conceived via Donor Insemination.

Without this man's gift, these children would never have come into being and into my and my wife's life. I am occasionally asked if I resent that this man could do what I could not. I can comfortably say I do not. On the contrary I want to thank him.

When I was diagnosed with non-obstructive azoospermia 12 years ago I was told that I should expect to never have children of my own. The fact that my children are not biologically linked to me has never lessened my love for them nor my belief that they are indeed my children. At the same time I am cognizant that there is another man whose role cannot be nor should be minimized.

To me he is and is not simply their donor. For now to my children he is in effect non-existent as they don't fully understand the concept of donor insemination. They have been told of their conception story and that a donor was used but this is still too much for them to truly comprehend as they are both less than six years old. Someday soon this will change and I wonder how that will play out. For now the knowledge of his existence rests with my wife and me and as I see it I have a responsibility to not let the truth of him fade away.

The lives of my children are as much connected to him as they are to me. I do not pretend to argue nurture is greater than nature but rather together play a role in these children's lives. I have his bios, medical, social, and educational. I have a toddler picture of him and a recording of his voice. All of this info is being saved for them as it is part of who they are.

Everyday I see articles addressing infertility and the use of donor conception from the side of the couples going through infertility, women choosing single motherhood, or lesbian or gay couples looking to start families. There are court cases around the country redefining what is family and who has the right to be legally defined as a parent or not. Under New York State law I am considered the legal father to my children. But despite that fact I know that someday my children will wonder about the man that is one half of their genetic make up.

Most heterosexual families of donor conceived children choose to never tell their children of the conception story fearing the child will turn against the social parent or for fear or shame of the perceived stigmas of using another person’s sperm or eggs to create their children. In my opinion these parents do so for their own reasons and not for the benefit of the children who have a right to the truth. I recently contributed an essay to a book series titled “Voices of Donor Conception” and have been increasingly involved in the discussions of these topics on the Internet.

The central issues surrounding donor conception, including donor anonymity, regulation and reform, have been or are being addressed in several countries around the world including Great Britain, Australia, New Zealand and Canada among others. The United States has not yet entered that discussion and currently there are no federal laws directly regulating the sale of gametes [i] nor are there any regulations imposed on the administration of the various cryobanks and clinics that solicit gamete donations and sell these gametes to the public. I am in favor of reforming the practices of this industry but I am not here today for that purpose.

I no longer fear the donor’s shadow but rather acknowledge his presence and if my children ask that his contribution be honored this or on a future Father’s Day I must honor their wishes if I am half the father I believe myself to be to them. So on their behalf I wish him a Happy Father’s Day and I say to him thank you for allowing me to do the same.

Family Scholars Report: "My Daddy's Name is Donor"

The folks over at Family Scholars and the Institute for American Values have released their long awaited reported regarding Donor Conception titled "My Daddy's Name is Donor".

I have not read though it completely yet and only have read the Executive Summary. Truthfully I can't argue against too much of what is written as it based on polls of a large sample of donor conceived adults, adoptees, and others. I can't say it is representative of every donor conceived adult as I have met a few that would argue otherwise. I admit freely that I have felt in the past that the positions espoused by Family Scholars have been put there and argued somewhat heavy handedly.

But what reports like these do is they provide information to intended parents which is useful before they decide if donor conception is right for their familes and also how they parent a child who is donor conceived. There are plenty of issues to consider and reports like this highlight many of them quite effectively. Sometime with a hammer, which some would argue is not helpful, but the message is made known.

More later.

In Memory of....

An anonymous comment was left on the DI Dads Speak Out blog this morning simply stating "In Loving Memory of Moondance Max". I just received confirmation that this is true. It has been expected as Max has been sick for some time.

Max was a man who found out that he could not have children naturally and turned to donor insemination with his wonderful wife Vee. They later found out Max has cancer and I am not remembering the timing which came first but also that Vee was pregnant. They now have a beautiful son. But now that son and Vee have lost Max based on the comment.

Vee had chronicled their struggle to conceive through her blog "The Sweet Life" and later their life together addressing Max's illness and the birth of their son. The blog is now privately published. Together they published many great videos to the International Infertility Film Festival dealing with their infertility struggles which will continue to offer hope to others dealing with infertility.

Some of us get caught up in our own lives and lose touch with friends we make over the Internet. I am guilty of that here. Max was a special person and I regret letting his friendship slip away. He wrote a couple of blogs while here one of which as his persona Dynamo Dad, in the Diaries of a Hopeful Dad to Be. He sparred with some of those leaving comments, commiserated with others, and also offered advice and his take on the whole donor conception thing.

There is more which I will try to add later but I need to digest this and also begin my day. A day less bright due to his loss but also hopeful knowing that his son through Vee will always know his Dad.

Movie Review: The Kids Are All Right

I stumbled upon a trailer for "The Kids Are All Right" on IMDB and the movie in one line is about "Two children conceived by artificial insemination [to lesbian moms] bring their birth father into their family life." The movie stars Julianne Moore and Annette Bening as the moms, Mark Ruffalo as their sperm donor.

After watching the trailer I can say it looks cute and challenges how people look at the definition of familes etc. My main concern with any of these movies is how donor conceived children, such as my own at young ages, would look at the images being portrayed. Granted my kids are way too young to see this flick much less get it.

I must admit my kids are still young so the old fear still exists, on some level, about being replaced by their donor father. I thought that fear was long put to rest but now as a separated dad I can say it is still there and maybe that fear has more to do with a fear that their mom will remarry someday and is not really a donor fear thing.

But films like this may at the same time raise expectations for some donor conceived kids that they can easily find their donor and make them part of their lives when I think many donors still want to remain anonymous. I don't know. Maybe I am just tired.

My kids may someday want to find their donor and I still hold to the belief that if asked I will either help them or not dissaude them from their wish to search.

Do you think movies like this are (a) merely capitalizing on the topic of donor conception, (b) promote healthy discussion of the topic, or (c) don't even register for most people?

2010 Census: Biological Son or Daughter - Best Fit

It's April 1st, the official enumeration date for the 2010 Federal Census. Like most people I received the envelope, tossed it onto my desk and have been meaning to get to it. The trick for a parent of a donor conceived child is how to accurately fill it out.

"Biological son or daughter" is not wholly accurate in relation to me. But as I am living in New York State and I was married to my children's mother when they were born under NYS law I am seen as their "natural" parent so I guess it is the best fitting answer I can provide.

On the other hand I have written that I have looked at donor conception as sort of a half-adoption.

From a psychological stand point I am going with biological as viewed through NYS law. In the end this is a people count not a tool to measure households with donor conceived kids so I am not stressing my answer. But I admit I thought about the answer enough that I felt I wanted post about it here. And we know I have not exactly been as active on this blog for sometime now.

Happy Passover and Happy Easter everyone. If you have not completed your Census forms please so as they make a difference in the disbursement of federal funds and politicial representatives your State is a alloted.

Divorce, Separation, Donor Conception, and Me

Over the years I have written this blog I have read plenty of articles dealing with divorce, separation and donor conception. Most of the cases that make the headlines have dealt with lesbian and gay couples and few regarding straight families and the effects of such decisions. I never expected it to be a personal issue. It now is.

My wife and I have separated and are still dealing with the legal side of things. The day to day stuff we are already addressing as I now live in a separate apartment and the kids are already going back and forth depending on the days who has whom. It is still early so it is unclear as to how they are adjusting. To be honest I am still unsure how I am adjusting to not being with the kids every night.

For the most part we will move forward as any family does in this situation. Our one donor conception related issue we have open is the disposition of the remaining vials we still own and are in storage at the cryobank we purchased them from. Other than that we are in agreement as to disclosure as the kids already know and we will address their issues as a family as they get older and ask more questions.

Both moms of their two known half siblings are aware of the situation and have been great about it. To be honest we told each of them when they were all in NYC this past December. In that department I should state that my kids with their mom are headed to Colorado next week for Winter break to share their vacation with Z the little boy that is their half sib that lives out there.

So if I occasionally now discuss the effects of life as a separated dad to donor insemination kids please indulge me.

Z Learns Its Not Easy Having Siblings

My kids and Z learned yesterday what it's like to have siblings. You are no longer the center of attention and butting heads is part of having a brother.

On that note these three are already calling each other by brother / sister terminology. Part of that is due to Z's wanting a "brother" and coming into the meeting with that term in his head. My son who had been using the term half sibling with regards to T up to this point had always also wanted a brother and his desire for one has trumped the desired terminology. At this point I am fine with it.

Generally I would want the terms brother / sister when kids are living with another but here the relationships are already very natural so I am letting them take the lead. We shall see what happens when T is added to the picture this morning.

Just Met Half Sibling Z

Pandemonium in the hotel room. The kids are having a ball. All very silly. Lots of boy craziness. Jumping. Yelling. Amusing. Great photos.

Ten Hours Until Sibling Meeting

It is midnight and in ten hours or thereabout my kids will be meeting their newest half sibling Z, a seven year old boy who is only 6 months younger than my son.

Z and his mom flew in from out of state earlier this evening and are staying in a Midtown hotel but will be staying with us Friday and Saturday nights.

T and her mom are driving up Saturday and will have her first meeting with Z when all the kids get together that day.

More posts as the our three day weekend progresses as we are keeping the kids out of school tomorrow and keeping them out of their normal Saturday activities as well.

If you had four half siblings together in NYC where would you go? I must admit I have not really planned out this weekend. As Z's mom requested we have only one requested stop to see the dinosaurs at the Museum of Natural History other than that the weekend can be laid back and just let the kids interact and get to know each other.

Should be an interesting weekend. I have enabled the blog to be updated remotely so expect a few short blog postings along the way. This post itself was submitted via my blackberry.

Another Half Sibling Found ! December Meeting Planned !

We have learned that my two children have another half sibling. A boy only about 6 months younger than my son.

So counting my two kids, and "T", the little girl we met twice over the last few years, we know of 4 children born from our donor. I plan on referencing the new half sibling as "Z".

And wait the news continues. Both T and Z and their moms are coming to NYC the first weekend in December ! All four kids under one roof. When Z heard about T and my kids he asked his mom when he can meet everyone else and somehow Z's mom got all of us talking and it is happening. Amazing.

Michael Jackson, DI Dad

I am reading all these articles about how Michael Jackson may not have been the biological father and its clear the media intends and has already sensationalized the issue.]

I cannot speak to Michael Jackson's past and the lawsuits etc about his interactions with other children. I was happy this morning to see an article that speaks to him being a good father and that is how the children saw him.

The children may someday want to know more about their biological parents, if the reports are true about the use of donor conception methods, and that should be their right and they should be allowed to pursue that when they each reach that decision if they do.

For now can we all let these children mourn the loss of the man they knew and loved as their daddy and shield them from sensationalism as much as possible.

Happy Belated Fathers Day 2009 !!!

My posting here is getting less and less frequent. Part of that will be even less frequent as work cut off my ability to log into Blogger from my office. Understandable but annoying.

I usually re-post my Fathers Day message from 2007 which I wrote regarding my children's donor. I did not even get to that this year except for this post linking to that post HERE.

Overall a good but wet day here in NYC. Kids are good and nothing truly new here to report. The younger one is completing pre-K and will be starting kindergarten in the same school as her brother next year.

She Has Your Eyes....but Speaks with Someone Else's Hands

I have noticed that I have been writing about once a month. I have meant to write more. So be it.

A few items. During the last month I attended another meeting of the Third Party Parenting Network where I met two other DI Dads and another dad via DE. Other than Vinnie from the Yahoo group and Walter Merricks from the DCN this was the first such meeting in a semi therapy session atmosphere. It was interesting. Nothing truly new but interesting to see the words come out someone elses mouth.

During this last month, the kids participated in another chess tournament. My son did OK but was having a off week overal and it affected his game. But that is not why I am writing this. Another mother we only met that day commented how my daughter's eyes favor my own. I am long past being bothered by these comments and if anything I am flattered as my daughter is real cutey.

My wife made some sort of comment to this woman that she should look past genetics and my wife even almost told this stranger the truth and I stopped her. There was no reason to do so on so many levels. This woman did not pick up on my shorthand that my wife should let the comment pass. It was somewhat amusing that my wife wanted to tell but then again maybe not.

We have been joking lately that the donor must have someone in his family that spoke with their hands as my daughter constantly gestures with her hands when she speaks. It is very cute but we have no idea where it comes from.

am New York: For Sale Sperm $100

As soon as I saw the front page of today's "am New York" newspaper I wondered what my children will think when they see images like this? The article discusses how in these hard economic times the number of individuals interested in donating for money has risen.

Back to my kids I wonder whether my kids will think, their donor, their biological father, simply donated to make a buck? How will that thought affect them.

Doppelgangers, First Impressions, Birth Certificates

Dopplegangers

Both my children play chess and through their classes my daughter met another girl about her age who could be their half siblings doppelganger. The resemblance is not perfect but close enough that my wife and I will occasionally remark about it.

We wonder if our daughter has noticed it (or even our son) as she and her brother have a picture of their half sibling in my son's room. Neither has said anything and we have commented about it to them but it is amusing.


First Impressions

I have not posted in about a month as work and life in general have been busy. We attended a NYC Gathering of donor conceived families and my impressions are posted on the Donor Conception New York blog. I also posted there my thoughts regarding the January meeting I attended of the Third Party Parenting Network here in NYC.


Birth Certificates

I have wanted to write a post regarding birth certificates as I read a couple of other blogs about this issue as it relates to donor conceived kids here in the US as well as the ongoing efforts in the UK to require notations on the certs of kids conceived via donor gametes. We also just submitted passport applications for the kids so the issue has been on my mind as I had to obtain certified copies of their certificates for the applications.

In the US there is a bill before the Missouri legislature that would grant donor conceived individuals greater rights regarding learning more about their donors and also includes provisions regarding birth certificates but the bill lacks teeth to require compliance by out of state cryobanks. I hope to write more about these issues soon.

HBO Documentary: Americam Families

My 6 1/2 year old son was interviewed this weekend for an HBO Family special in collaboration with Rosie O'Donnell which is designed as a celebration of American families today and which will include animated songs, portraits of different families, and kids between the ages of 4 and 7 talking about family. Both of my kids were supposed to be interviewed but my daughter was sick so I stayed home with her.

My son apparently had fun and was fine with being interviewed but was a little taken back by the boom microphone which was covered in a furry mike cover. It will be interesting to see what he said and what their questions were.

My only concern was how they would ask about the donor and from what angle. Biologicaly or not I don't want someone telling my child at less than 7 years old, much less any child, who their father is or is not. But based on what he told me they did not directly ask him about the donor. His mother, my wife, was not allowed on the set during the filming, all of 15 minutes, which did not thrill me but he was fine. He's been away longer when he did all those silly NYC school entrance exams with people I don't know so this did not phase his mom. We had hoped she could be there if anything to video it with a home camera so we'd have the experience on film even if his interview is not used.

Anyhow he has indicated that he explained to them how babies are made, and that a sperm and an egg must come together and that later an embryo will become a baby. He explained that he , his sister and his half sibling all have the same donor. Beyond that he has not stated any details. We actually told him later that night a bit more about his donor from what we know from the cryobank bios. Our feeling is that we want him to fully understand that the donor is a real person and not just an abstract concept and is limited to the sperm he donated. He was being a bit silly so we don't think it sunk in but the info will be added and confirmed through future conversations.

We were told that the special, if it airs, would air sometime late in the year if not in early 2010.

YouTube Video Advertising for a Donor Conceived Fiction Book

I was on FaceBook a short time ago and noticed that the founder of one of the donor conceived interest groups had posted a link to a YouTube video titled "My So-Called Fmily" which is the title of one of the two teenager centered books I referred two a few months back.

It turns out the video which looks a bit like a TV show / movie of the week commercial is an advertisement for the book. Now I have seen everything. Based on the video would you buy the book?

The video was posted by TheClassof2K8. I am not sure whether this party is the author, the video's creator, other interested party.

Donor Conceived Blogs - Individual and Group Efforts

In the past few years that I have been writing this blog I have seen a fair number of individual blogs by donor conceived individuals and websites devoted to the views of political and social positions on this topic.

The above site, Donor Conceived Perspectives, presents in one location blog posts by several donor conceived individuals (many of which maintain individual blogs as well) from varying backgrounds and locations around the world and is definitely worth checking out. My apologies as I am beat otherwise I would write more about this site and others.

On a personal and unrelated note:

I had one of those days where the act of parenting was a challenge. At one point my 6 year old son wanted to go live with another family as he was unhappy as to how he was being punished and even though the incident had nothing to do with donor conception you wonder is this how it will feel when he uses that fact in an argument. By the end of the day everyone was happy again and the incident conciously forgotten by him. But apparently not by me.

The 2008 Creme de la Creme List

My "Father's Day" post has been included on the 2008 Creme de la Creme list of the best infertility / loss / adoption blogs that Melissa over at Stirrup Queens puts together annually. I originaly wrote the post in 2007 but re-ran it in 2008. The list really includes some great posts from a multitude of bloggers at different points in their infertility journey.

Currently Stirrup Queens is a finalist in this years Weblog Awards in the Best Medical / Health Issues category and I believe based on the incredible work she has done clearly deserves the accolade of winning in this category so I ask everyone to vote for her, daily, to ensure she gets this recognition. There are a few days late to vote so please do.

Announcing the 2008 Donor Conception Blog Awards

It's that time of year when the blog world all goes a twitter at who was nominated and who is being voted best in their respective categories.

I was thinking let's start our own Donor Conception Blog Awards in the following categories (if you think of other categories let me know):

(1) Donor Conceived
(2) Choice Mom / SMC via DI
(3) TTC - DE - male or female authored
(4) TTC - DI (MFI) - male or female authored
(5) Donors - Former or Current
(6) TTC - 2 Moms
(7) DE / DI - Mom & Dad family
(8) DE / DI - LGBT
(9) General DC Issues

If you believe one or more of these categories should be consolidated let me know. If enough individuals believe this is worthwhile let me know and we can set this up.

I figure since the DC blogging world is not all that big we should start with only three nominated blogs in each category. If anyone has an idea for an award logo or nomination logo let me know as well.