Stupid Word Choices...

Somehow I find myself watching The Back-Up Plan with Jennifer Lopez.  In this flick she uses a sperm donor and is pregnant with twins. She then meets a great guy and fall in love.  By chance he is her sperm donor.  Anyhow at one point he states the twins she is carrying are not his. The stupid word choice.  She gets scared he wants to walk away and dumps him.  Being a romantic comedy you know they eventually get back together.

The truth is every DI Dad has stupidly said these words before the baby was born.  There has not been a day after my kids were born that I have thought that.  They are my kids.  Hadn't been here in a while so figured wanted to check in.

Did We Roll The Genetic Dice ?

On May 14, 2012, The New York Times ran an article titled "In Choosing a Sperm Donor, A Roll of the Genetic Dice".  The article details the plight of several families whose children due possibly to a lack of testing or screening developed diseases that possibly are due to the donor's sperm.  It is another of the NYT articles on the topic written over the years that I feel couples planning / considering using donor insemination should read before going down this path.


I say it is a must read not so much to scare anyone away from this family building option but moreso that the couple thinks about what questions to ask the cryobank before buying vials of sperm.  Those questions may be different for each couple.


My own feelings are that the questions should include the following:


(1) Does the donor bio state what tests were run on the sample?
(2) Does the cryobank publicly list what tests are run on each donor and thesamples taken?(3) When was the donor sperm donated ? and was it donated to this bank directlyor to a previous bank?


The article has opened up a debate on the DI Dads Yahoo Group regarding the veracity of documentation of issues resulting from the lack of testing of donor sperm.  For many diseases to manifest themselves it would take both the donor and the mother to carry the traits or genes for the disease.  Even if a donor was found to be carrier, who knows if the couple trying to have the children is even aware if the mother might be a carrier as well.




I am not sure how anything can be statistically proven unless more families are encouraged to report live births and/or issues back to their cryobanks or a central registry.   People value their privacy and regulation and legislation are seen as impeding on privacy which is another roadblock to effective reporting of issue beyond simple (or not so simple) testing of the donor at the source. 


Again I offer the article as another resource for issues that should be discussed.  So far the roll of the dice my ex and I took regarding our children has turned out lucky sevens so far.  G-d willing that won't change as they grow older.

Drug Store Chain To Sell OTC Sperm Test

I admit I am curious. I don't feel the need to purchase the test myself and take the test but I am curious. My need to have kids, biologically or otherwise, I believe is done. Maybe if I were to remarry but doubtful. But I am curious I admit. What are your thoughts?

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-02-07/sperm-test-at-walgreen-seen-plugging-infertility-gap-retail.html

Scientists Grow Sperm in Laboratory Dish

Interesting article. Certainly encouraging. Not sure how I feel about the germ cells being hosted by a live mouse.

I'd be concerned that my son could be Stuart Little if they could not assure me that the human sperm retrieved would include no mouse cells. Shades of Jurasic Park concerns. But science is amazing.

Who would have thoughts years ago that even ICSI was possible and successful. So someday I am sure this or a variant will be an option.

Happy 2012 !

Happy New Year ! Welcome to 2012 !

Well the kids are in bed sound asleep after staying up to see the ball drop. It was just us and they were plenty cranky at the end. Nothing special just a night of board games, Chinese food, they called their mom at 11:30pm, and fighting over what TV to watch. again nothing crazy.

I did take them swimming for about an hour and a half earlier in the afternoon which they really loved. The young lifeguard was very amused by the kids and even commented how much my daughter looks like me. I simply said thank you and smiled. I don't think anyone has ever said that about my daughter before. I was amused. That simple statement never fails to amuse me.

Time for me to get to bed. Even though I am sure these kids will sleep in tomorrow I am sure I will want to sleep later and must be ready for them.

Good night and again Happy New Year !

Sharing the Pain of Loss

This morning I read a post on the Yahoo group Donor Sibling Registry by Allison Rouble of the blog GENdMOM. Afterwards I posted a reply. Both are below.

"Still Playing Head Games with Myself"

It never seems to fail with me, after being married for 11 years and having never used any birth control, having received a diagnosis of male infertility due to unexplained azoospermia and having to use donor sperm to create our family I still find myself looking at the calendar every month wondering if some how by magic I will have gotten pregnant the good old fashioned way by my husbands sperm.

I play this torturous mind game with myself, I think maybe I am pregnant, i do a detailed analysis of every phantom symptom I have. I further twist the knife in my heart by wondering if it will be a boy or a girl, what names would we pick, would we have to move or add onto our house to make room for another child. I do this month after month, and the inevitable always happens. Auntie flow shows up with the bad but predictable news that “NO you are not pregnant you silly girl, your husband is infertile and it isn’t going to happen that way”.

I hate her, my auntie flow. Hate her because she comes to me every month with the bloody reminder that I will never have a biological child with the man I dearly love. And stupid, desperate me looks in the mirror at myself every time she is here for her visit and says, “maybe next month!”

My reply as posted to the Yahoo Discussion Group:

I have been unsure how to respond to this post. I am that infertile husband, or rather was, and my first reaction is to say I am sorry. My next reaction is the following....

Most (admittedly not all) DI Dads like myself know how hard it has been or is for our spouses who shared our pain addressing male factor infertility. It haunts us terribly throughout the process. We feel extreme guilt for it and are eternally grateful for you sticking by us. With the birth of these DI children we find ourselves in love with both the child and each of you again so deeply.

Most of us don't realize that the sense of loss you feel continues and need you to tell us so we can work through the feelings with you. We would rather share your pain then let you suffer it silently and alone.

We can't make it stop but we can let you know how much we love you and how much stronger we are as a family and as a loving couple.

Post Secret: Sperm Donor via One Night Stand

One of this blog’s most viewed posts involved a December 2008 postcard that was posted on the popular Post Secret website. That post card was submitted by a donor conceived individual who was envious of adopted individuals because their fathers had not “jacked off in a cup for money”.

The below post card was published this evening, 12/17/2011, on Post Secret, and was mailed in by a man who apparently was chosen for a one night stand with the goal of effectively becoming a sperm donor by a woman whose husband could not naturally have kids. I am sure the child conceived by this IUI would be equally not thrilled to learn their conception story if they ever learned it.

Certainly looking at this post card from the point of view of an infertile husband, this brings out many of the fears that DI Dads have that their spouse would turn to another man sexually to create a child. For all he knows the wife, if she has chosen this path, might even let the husband think it is his child, until the truth would come out, via blood works or blood tests of some nature.

Granted while technically this post card details a donor conception, this scenario is not legally a legitimate donor situation and could lead to all sorts of custody and paternity issues, if and when, reality is confronted. But as a DI Dad as soon as I read this card all sorts of issues popped into my mind.

Year End Updates

Kids are doing well. They have been speaking with their male half sibling Z from out West on a fairly regular but unscheduled basis lately and the conversations are getting less silly and more “normal” or what passes for normal among 9 year olds. My son J does most of the talking from our side. The kids have not spoken with T, their female half sibling, in some time, my fault not making that happen, even though they have asked about her.

J asked about the donor again recently and whether he’d ever get to meet the donor’s kids, if he has any. I said it is unlikely that will happen as we’d first need to find the donor. I asked if that is something he’d want but I got no response. He still is close friend with the other donor conceived kids I know in his grade although this to my knowledge has never been a topic of discussion among them.

J has a crush on a little girl at his school. She is younger than him and they are at that stage when they are way too young to be “dating” etc and are taking on the aspects of a very friendly brother / sister relationship but one where they can’t wait to see each other every day. J was excited when this little girl said he was like a brother. Apparently that is a stage with little kids when they get closer to each other. The whole way home he was so happy and said he had three sisters and two brothers. One each of this count is this girl and her brother. Very amusing and will get confusing.

Over this past year I have dated women who have had young kids of their own. No one has met anyone at this point as none have lasted the requisite six months called for under my separation agreement. The possible concept though of extended blended families will be very amusing down the road if a relationship becomes that serious. Half siblings, step siblings, full siblings. Family tree time will need a lengthy color coded legend more than it already does.

As I write all this I am concerned as my sublet is up at the end of January and I have yet to find a new apartment. I have lived these last two years in the same building I lived in with my then-wife and the kids. It helped the kids adjust to the separation coming back to the same building every day even though they split their time between apartments. That issue has been the main issue of concern to them more than anything donor conception related. They seem so far well adjusted and handling it well enough.

Time to go. Nothing else new to report with the Yahoo DI Dads group.

WiFi May Damage Sperm Quality: Study

An Argentine study is claiming WiFi in close proximity to sperm may damage the sperm's quality. The article in yesterday's NY Daily News is not that surprising as was the conclusion of a 2004 study that use of lap tops causes an increase in temperature to the scrotum and hence sperm causing damage.

Just something to think about when working at home or accessing WiFi on a laptop PC. Better safe than sorry. Guessing using the WiFi on top of a nice metal table is preferable to using the couch.

Dating Sites and the "Want Kids" Box

One amusing facet of dating again as a adult is the proliferation of on-line dating sites. One question on most profiles is whether you want kids. Many single women looking to get married also will want to have a family. Not all but many. When some see you have checked off you are done having kids it it obviously closes off some potential relationships.

This would never happen but can you imagine a box which would state "Can't physically have more kids but are you open to DI?" Not happening.

I am done no matter what. My kids are all I want unless I meet someone who already has kids. Is amusing thought though as it would the put issue out there and not have to worry about bringing it up later.

Divorce and Unused Donor Sperm

Within the past few weeks I signed my Settlement Agreement with my spouse settling the division of our assets, agreeing to all issues surrounding our kids, etc. This agreement will now be filed in the NYS courts and eventually be approved resulting in a final divorce decree. We did not include any section detailing what is to become to the unused donor sperm vials still sitting in storage at the cryobank facility. We forgot to address this issue.

Have we set ourselves up for some legal battle over the disposition of these remaining vials?

For the last several years we had left these vials sitting and paying fees for their storage. Or should I say I have been paying these fees. I still am.

The question had never been whether we would be using them and certainly we are not now. The question was whether they'd be used for medical research to identify the genome or whatever could be learned from them as they provide direct DNA samples from the donor.

Could we determine if there are any latent diseases the donor was carrying? I was told by a friend that any such analysis could not be used by insurance companies to claim a pre-existing condition as the kids are not the ones being tested. But to be honest I don't have extra funds to pay for any such analysis.

Testing would be nice but even to send them would probably cost some money as I am guessing there would have to be some subterfuge as I am guessing the bank would not allow a vial to be sent anywhere other than a doctor's office under the belief it woud be used for an attempt at conception.

We never intended to sell them back to the cryobank as we did not want to see other half siblings created unless they were to be used by a family who already had kids by this donor to ensure full siblings within their family. Perhaps this is selfish but had been discussed with the other two known donor sibling famioies and we were all in agreement on this issue.

The account with the cryobank is in her name but the payments are set up to be from me. Either of us I guess could direct the bank to destroy the remaining vials. At this point neither of us would probably try to legally prevent such an action but it would lose the testing opportunity.

So again the question continues what to do with the extra vials but with the background of larger issues.

Will They Misinterpret My Exasperation?

My daughter's weekly homework packet is due Monday morning. Inevitably when she comes to me Sunday nights from her mother's there is always a large chunk not yet done prompting me to get on my daughter's case about why this much is left undone until the last minute. It usually results in hours of prodding her and both of us becoming very very exasperated.

Will she interpret this years from now as just a dad being upset at her homework skills or will she take this as some underlying issue? I should not worry about such things and really I don't do so always but sometimes I do. I read too many blogs and articles about kids who always felt an underlying tension between themselves and the parent they either later learn is not their biological parent or that they already knew. And then I stupidly reconfigure those into fears.

I love my kids so much and like any parent I just want them to do their best work. My little one is not the fastest in getting her work done. She never has been despite what skills we try to teach her. It's just so exasperating. My creating fears that should not exist does not help matters.

When Finding a Donor or Half Sibs Could Mean Life or Death

When I first started writing this blog, I came across a number of blogs written by young donor conceived adults mostly from outside the United States. One such blog was "who do you think you are?" written by Narelle Grech. The blog's URL subtitles it as T-5s daughter. She was an opinionated, straight talking, never afraid to be in your face blogger. And she challenged my thoughts and feelings about donor conception with a semi-confrontational tone which I appreciated. Others tried the same tone when commenting on my posts and came off as simply angry. Narelle's honesty I found appealing and I knew her opinion to be worth listening to.

Narelle is now battlling stage four bowel cancer. And where her search for her donor and half siblings was originally an effort to know who she is, genetically, ethnically, and for all the normal identity issues most donor conceived are trying to answer, her quest is now to also find these individuals to counsel them to get tested for possible early warnings of cancer. I learned about her current battle through this 10/22/11 story in the Herald Sun.

Her story, this story, is another reason why I believe it is so important that access to records not be lost or taken away or left to the auspices of individual commercial cryobanks. In Narelle's case the records exists and are known where they are but she has no legal right of access to the existing identifying information about the donor.

This is an example of where the system needs to include mechanisms to allow such medical based access as it is clearly a case where lives could be saved or lost.

Participating in Web Chat re "Donor Unknown" Today

As I noted earlier in the week I will be participating in a web chat today to coincide with the premier of the documentary "Donor Unknown" on PBS website Independent Lens.

This movie is an interesting contrast to the Style Network: Sperm Donor as it involves involves young adult donor conceived individuals making contact with their donor Jeffrey, California Cryobank Donor 150. When the Sperm Donor show involved little kids. The two donors profiled in each program could not be more different.

The chat is scheduled to start at 1pm EST in real time. I am still unsure if it is being broadcast in real time or not. Probably a delay of some sort for editing etc.

UPDATE: Post Web Chat

The text of the web chat can be found HERE. Scroll down the page. It was an interesting experience. I really need to learn how to type faster. Good panel and very interesting discussion. Very glad to have participated.

Parallel drawn between the Donor Conceived and Occupy Wall Street

Lindsay Greenawalt of the Cryokid Confessions has analogized the plight of the donor conceived to that of the protests of the 99% which presently reside at Zuccotti Park here in NYC. I understand the intent is to draw the parallel of a group without power over decisions that affect them. Lindsay herself built upon posts by The Declassified Adoptee written with regards to the Adoption Rights Movement. Link here for the full text of the pictured statement.

What I am not sure of, and perhaps this is still an issue I have regarding the #OccupyWallStreet movement is that the lines of who and what is being protested are blurred (at least for OWS). The OWS movement right now, as I see it, is a simultaneous protest against everything where the general population, the 99%, has no control and the effects have economically disadvantaged that 99% where the 1% benefited.

Lindsay is pretty direct in her statements that here in the US (1) the infertility industry is not centrally regulated, (2) records can be destroyed and held back without recourse, and (3) America has turned a blind eye to the whole thing.

Part of me dislikes linking the plight of the donor conceived to the OWS movement as the OWS while catching the eye of the world’s media its seeming lack of focus does a disservice to defined issues such as that of the donor conceived. I think Lindsay’s goal was to highlight the lack of control held by the donor conceived, which is a positive goal, I just wish the movement she is associating with seemed less disjointed.

Listening to DI and DE Moms: NYC Gathering

Last night I attended an installment of the NYC Gathering's dinner get-togethers here in Manhattan. The group organized by Sara Axel of the blog "Our Story Begins at Home" usually is attended by women who either used donor eggs, donor sperm, or both conceiving their children. I was the only dad in the room.

Last night the dinner had Wendy and Ryan Kramer as special guests. Both had been in town for an SMC event held in Brooklyn this past weekend. The featured topic discussed by Wendy and Ryan was "Who's Your Mommy? Should they tell their twins they came from donor eggs?".

The identity issue is wholly mixed together with the disclosure issue so both topics were discussed and brought up by the roughly ten women in attendance. I sat at the far end of the table as I have a bad cold plus I had the kids with me as the dinner was immediately after their school extended day pickup. I also heard the common theme that some of the husbands did not want the kids to know their conception stories more it seemed to their discomfort than the interests of the kids.

The moms in discussing the "Who's your mommy?" questioned the differences in connections to the donor when the mom carried the fertilized eggs producing their children. The fears of feeling less of a natural parent. Overall an interesting evening and I was sorry I felt like garbage and that I had to leave early.

Web Chat to Coincide with PBS Premier of "Donor Unknown"

This Thursday October 20th, I will be participating in a telephone chat to coincide with the US premier on PBS of the documentary Donor Unknown. As I understand it, the chat will be recorded and be available to listen to on the PBS website set up for the documentary.

The documentary is being premiered as part of the Independent Lens series on PBS. The participants on the chat are slated to include myself and :

Lindsay, a donor conceived adult who blogs over at "Confessions of a Cryokid"
http://cryokidconfessions.blogspot.com/

Jerry: Director of Donor Unknown
http://donorunknown.com/production-team

Steve: Marketing & Communications Manager for Independent Lens

I expect it to be an interesting chat. Hopefully some of you will look for it, listen and then comment on both the movie and the chat. You can link through the images above for the Independent Lens site to see the trailer and clips from the movie. Link below to see the resources page on the Independent Lens movie site.

One amusement is that the resources description of my blog has me having two boys. My daughter was not to thrilled. They were amused to see my blog linked to from a PBS website though.

Review: "Style Exposed: Sperm Donor"

I watched the "Style Exposed: Sperm Donor" episode yesterday evening. I enjoyed watching it. From a posting by Wendy Kramer of the Donor Sibling Registry, to the Yahoo DSR Discussion group, the continued showing of this episode on Style has yielded more donor signing up on the DSR than I believe usually do in a single year. Which has resulted in numerous matches between donors and offspring.

There are only 4 more scheduled showings of the episode on the Style Network. The last one this Friday at 1:00 am. [UPDATE: watch it here above or here]

Certainly seeing Adriene's and Kris's meeting and connecting was great to see and feel a part of. Watching Adriene talk with her dad and mom about her feelings for her dad despite his not being her biological donor dad was very touching and comforting. The connection she felt for Kris, her half sibling, was palpable and rewarding to see. You could see the joy in Kris's face having Adriene there for her big day.

The other half of the episode involved watching Ben Seisler, former donor, from Boston address the fact he has at least 74 offspring and balancing the concerns and fears that his fiance was herself having. At the same time he himself was dealing with his own thoughts and concerns meeting for the first time with two children conceived from his sperm.

He seemed like a man who honestly was trying to find his way. As he said to his fiance there is no guide book for this. The concerns I have for them is how does he balance his desire to provide info to these families and balance his life as a married man. There is a danger that this could create a divide in his marriage.

At the same time a number of these donor families, if Ben allows more to meet him, will want him to be a presence on some level in the lives of their children. It would appear so from just this one family. Not all will want contact but even if a few do it will be something he has to address if he plans to on treating these kids as clinically as he intended to before he met family one.

My own thoughts are the episode was a positive step to getting the stories out there and certainly it encouraged more donors to step forward. Will more donor family stories follow? Certainly the DSR hopes so and so do I. But will the general public, and advertising sponsors, have a desire to see a periodic series? I am not sure they would.

There is no guide for this.

Requesting the Cryobank to Contact the Donor (Again)

With all the recent news coverage regarding donor conception I have become curious again about our donor and wondering if he also has been noticing the recent news stories and wondering whether he'd be open to agreeing to contact with the children once they turn 18. His donation had been an anonymous donation with no provisions for identification or contact at any point

A number of years ago I requested the cryobank we used to try to contact the donor and ask a couple of questions. One question I had was regarding the donor's religious background. The cryobank made contact and the donor answered as best he could with the info he knew of his family.

I am curious to ask the cryobank to contact the donor again and whether he would agree or be interested in converting, under the cryobank's auspices, from a completely anonymous donor to a donor ID status where he would be open to contact once any of the kids turns 18 and initiates contact. It may be that the cryobank would not even ask my question but I am curious to ask.

Before I do though I need to discuss this with my children's mom and the mothers of their half siblings. I am curious for their reactions to. I am just thinking with the recent news coverage, the Donor Unknown documentary and the new Style exposed episode perhaps the donor might be receptive to the idea. For all I know neither of the 4 children will even care but it is an opportunity I am thinking should be taken so it's there when and if they want it.

How Linked are Issues of Openness to Anything DI Related? And Am I Wrong to Link Them?

I posted a question this weekend on the DI Dad Yahoo Discussion Group asking what were some of the members greatest fears about using donor insemination etc. A couple of the responses involved fears of whether the child would love the dad. My responses included the thoughts that if a child is shown love and respect that the child would have no reason not to love that parent.

It was how I continued that leads to my question of how connected the issue of openness is to anything donor insemination related. Directly or tangentially.

I stated my belief that if a child is told early enough and as a normal part of their life I think the question of whether a child will love the parents is or would be a non-issue as the children would only know love from these parents. If a child is never told and always shown love they will of course, in normal situations, also love their parents. But if the secret is later found out it may cause a rift, in those relationships, it may not. My point is as always that telling early does more to take away the pain of a possible secret being learned and resentment being born.

It was my bringing up the issue of openness and telling that had one long time member of the group asking me to not always bring the conversation back to openness. I did not think I had been doing that but perhaps I do. He felt I was veering away from the group is for.

Does my thinking and response go beyond the initial answer given to my fear question. Certainly it does. Am I pushing my openness views. Can't argue I am not. But have a crossed a line? Perhaps. I do try to state that these are my views and it is also possible not telling may be right for some families. I can't believe how but I guess it could be.

So again how linked are all these issues? I think the entire picture should be known and looked at together as to do otherwise can allow us to compartmentalize and rationalize. Donor conception has causes, action / reactions, and effects. As the character Dr. Ian Malcolm in in the movie Jurassic Park stated "You've never heard of Chaos theory?" Life has a way where all information eventually gets out. To ignore all the possibilities when decision making I feel is to be acting in a vacuum and life is not that easy.

Update:
As Marilyn indicated in the first comment, my statements are not meant to state that openness will prevent a donor conceived individual from having issues with the concept of their conception story or wanting to know more about their biological father. I only meant to indicate that openness allows the truth to be known and that from there a base can be developed for a family to work from without anything hidden lurking waiting to be exposed and creating additional issues that may divide an individual and the parents that raised them. Does that make sense?