A Parent's Reaction

I saw this post card on this week's display presented at Post Secret dot com. Just struck me. Having lived through years of infertility you recognize the pain and truth. 

Love my kids so much. I don't understand fathers, biological or otherwise, that are not involved in their children's lives, that don't love them fiercely. 

DI Dads Supporting Dads-to-be

Every week I approve new members to the Yahoo DI Dads support discussion group. Generally the new members are either men contemplating using DI with their partners or their spouse is already pregnant via DI and the dad-to-be is looking for support. Their first posts generally involve how will they bond or feel about the child, or perhaps will the child know that they are not its biological father. It runs a gamut of several questions. 

This morning I received an email providing in digest form the posts and responses of the last 24 hours. I am quite proud to say no sooner had one new member posted his concerns that several  current members rose to offer their support and comments how they too felt and how their fears were addressed or without out merit as the love and bonding came automatically. 

These men all want to be fathers, nature or circumstances, threw them curves that prevented it naturally so it is expected that they all have the capacity to love their DI kids and that the kids will love them back. I am proud of our little community and know that any man that steps through that virtual door will find support from guys who have been there and can voice their opinions. 

Dreamt of More Half Sibs

Earlier today via Twitter I re-tweeted posts including videos of sibling groupings and meetings I had not seen before. The Tulane sisters Today Show video, a vid posted to YouTube by the California Cryobank of a young teenager meeting 5 of his half sibs (Donor 5114) for the first time at a Taos reunion. The oldest sib in that group on camera was maybe 15. 

After posting these 5am tweets I went back to bed and amusingly dreamed of a gathering of my own children and their half siblings. The group in my dream grew from its current and known 4 sibs to what I think was about a dozen and was comprised of mostly teenagers.  Like many dreams the events were disjointed and not totally clear. 

I do recall a donor number check as well as a discussion with the oldest half sibling in this dream grouping about a class she attended in school that addressed the ethics of donor conception. That reference must have been as a result of watching an AnonymousUS video questioning the ethics of the fertility industry. 

Ok, I am very amused as it is rare this topic has invaded my dreams much less any that I remember. Time to make hot breakfast for my two very real and hungry children. 

Family History and Genetic Kinship

I am meeting today second cousins I have never met before. Over the years I have always been involved with my family's genealogy and history. Facts that some folks here on the Internet have used to chastise me for my use of donor conception to conceive my children. The statements made have centered on the fact that by using DI we intentionally cut our children off from their genetic past and heritage. 

During the years we, my now ex-wife, and I were trying to conceive either via traditional IVF or via DC, I was always involved in various family history projects. My work has been used by numerous young relatives passing it off as their own school family history research. 

It certainly was never our emotional intent to create these genetic and heritage disconnects when using donor insemination. No parent who used DC intentionally did this with any type of malice but in plain truth it is the effect.

My kids know my family history. They know part of it is not theirs biologically. But from a heritage standpoint it is theirs. We chose a Jewish donor whose family had Eastern European roots very similar to my own. Now some religious pundits would argue we should not have used a Jewish donor due to some finer points of Jewish Halacha law but we wanted these connections. Medically the donor's family bio was about the same as mine as well so there was no genetic improvement there as well. No eugenics here. 

The point is where the kids will likely never know the donor's parents' names it is likely the experiences of my family heritage wise probably doesn't differ too much from the actual donor's family. The bio Great Grandma and Great Grandpa probably came over in steerage just as mine did, traveling from similar shtetls to America. Yes, there is still a very real and true disconnect that resulted and the kinship percentages reflected in the above chart which would drop to zero for most boxes. Perhaps my continuing research may cause some angst to my children regarding their not knowing their biological cousins and that family but perhaps the kids can look at these second cousins once removed and say they probably just like my own, guess I'll keep them. 

How do you define what biological kids feel like?

This past Monday the NYT column Motherlode ran a column titled “Would a Pregnancy Through a Donor Egg Feel Like ‘Mine’? written by Amy Klein.  It’s an interesting question and I can see where a woman would ask the question.  What is amazing to me is that we have the technology to allow a woman to become a birth mother and to bond with the child in this manner.

 It is certainly a bond no dad, biological or social, can ever experience. [I am discounting the transgender dad who never switched out his female parts.]

 Now granted a woman carrying donor eggs is a far cry from being a father to children created via donor insemination.  But it begs the question what do biological children feel like that are different than my own DI children?

 Many men before their DI kids are born worry about binding with the children and that somehow the children will know the dad is not biologically related and reject the dad.  I have seen from my own experience and been told by most dads, that upon seeing their DI children and interacting with them in every normal way dads do, that the bonds form quickly and naturally. 

 So the answer to the above question, for most dads, is that these kids are our kids.  There is no different feeling.  These kids not only feel like mine. They are.

When Divorce Magnifies Donor Conception's Losses

Today's NY Times includes an excellent column under the Motherlode column titled "When Divorce Magnifies Adoption's Losses".  It is worth reading for any parent and especially divorced parents of donor conceived children as many of the issues mirror our own.  The author Deesha Philyaw along with her ex husband apparently write a blog titled CoParenting101 discussing issues of divorce that I will be following going forward.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/01/12/when-divorce-magnifies-adoptions-losses/#more-48921

Mandatory Donor Conception Workshops ? Voluntary?

Over the years I have often referred to my children's DI conception as analogous to a half adoption. The term allows people to see the similarities between the two communities with respect to various issues. One of the issues I have discussed before is how couples / individuals looking to adopt have usually been required to go through an interview process and very often some sort of educational seminar or workshop prior to an adoption being granted. I have often wondered why the use of donor conception methods does not require a similar process. 

The answer lies I suspect in the fact that in the adoption process the child already exists, has rights, and the State has an obligation to ensure the child is placed with an individual or family best suited for that adoption. In cases where donor conception is chosen, it is being used very often to overcome infertility issues or the fact the couple (gay/lesbian) cannot obviously procreate without the use if third party gametes and here there is no child who rights and safety must be currently safeguarded by the State. 

Should cryobanks / clinics require some sort of counseling or information sessions prior to starting DC procedures? Perhaps. Some offer information or counseling in some form but I am unaware if it is mandatorily required by any such institution currently. Certainly no US state health law requires it that I know of. Let me know if your state does. 

My own view is I wish there was some requirement. How it would be administered, signed off on, I cannot say but I would expect the experience would shift the paradigm from donor conception from being used as an infertility mask to a opportunity for the potential parents to understand the issues and possible ramifications / questions / issues that the donor conceived individuals may face in their lives. 

The UK Donor Conception Network offers such a seminar that I did not realize existed.  I would love to see such seminars adapted here by local chapters of the American Fertility Association or Resolve.  

http://www.dcnetwork.org/workshop/preparation

Do I expect legislation or regulations here in the US to require such seminars to be in parity with local adoption laws? Unlikely. Medical establishments and cryobanks want no roadblocks to easy use of DC as simply a treatment option and want little or no contact with any additional red tape. 

Should such seminars be encouraged? Yes. To require them to be mandatory? Unlikely it will ever happen but I would vote Yay. There are simply to many benefits to the adults and to the children of knowledgeable and loving parents. 

Building Half Sibling Relationships

My kids make up two of four total half siblings from our donor. How they relate to each other is a confluence of several factors. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. How these relationships will develop over time we can only guess. Every group is different these kids are not the exception. 

I suggested to my kids that they call each of their half sibs for the holidays. I admit watching the siblings on Generation Cryo has me hoping the kids will all be close as they grow older. They seemed interested but like real tweens and pre-tweens (is there a term?) are more interested in their electronic devices then true human contact. 

Apparently my son J spoke to his male half sib N (new reference letter) for all of maybe five to ten minutes, seemed tired, not into it, and hung up even before giving his sister Z a chance to speak to N.  What was strange is that J and N have always had a very rambunctious silly rapport over the phone. N lives West and its been about a year and half before these kids saw each other. 

This past Summer we took a road trip South and visited the kids other half sibling M, a girl, which made Z happy as she wanted some half sibling girl time. The one night stay was a lot of fun for all. But since the trip maybe the kids have spoken once. Different lives. Out of sight and not day to day is not exactly brothers and sisters. 

The boy out West has always wanted siblings. And misses my two exasperated the distance is so far.  The girl down South is a very vivacious independent kid. Each of the four is different and yet share much.  

Who knows whether they will grow closer. My own two last weekend visited their cousins via their mom's brother. Much younger and closer distance wise but seeing them is also rare. 

Family is how you define it and what you make of it. Despite my trying to keep the connections it will be up to them and I have to take my cues from them while occassionally providing opportunities to develop those relationships. Only time will tell. 

Thank you to our donor

I usually have thanked our donor on Father's Day. This evening it felt right to say thank you again. 

Over the last several weeks the how and why we (my Ex and I) came to the decision of using donor insemination have been in my thoughts. 

The thought process boiled down to the desire to have these children. They are as silly and smart and beautiful as I ever hoped they would be. 

I had always wanted to be a dad. Long before I had any idea that biologically I could not. Mentally and emotionally I knew I would be a great dad. Even when they drive me crazy I love them. 

Turning to donor insemination was the next step in our desire to create these children. I know now I was not aware of all the issues this decision would lead to. But I knew without those decisions these children would not have been. I continue to ask questions so that when and if they do I can perhaps help them find or work towards answers. 

Our donor at this juncture must know he has helped our family and others to exist. My past questions to the cryobank have certainly clued him in. What he thinks and wonders I and my children may never know. 

I write today to say thank you for allowing me to be a dad. I write to say thank you for giving them life.  I write to wish you and your family a healthy and happy New Year. Perhaps one day I can say that in person. 

Addressing DI on the Dad Blogs

Over the years I have seen a number of good and great male factor infertility TTC blogs written by men like myself. Some upon conception and birth move onto daddy blogs remaining active in the TTC community or adoption community but these blogs like my own never seem to cross over into mainstream daddy blogging. I am curious why that is the case or whether we even should expect to. 

Blogs like this one owe our existence to the issues that made us and our hearts will forever be tied in some form to those issues. Certainly my blog focuses on DI issues or reacts to life through my own tinted lens. My posts have veered into divorce related issues as my life is now a mix of these issues but it is not a focus of this blog. 

I sometimes reach out to mainstream dad blogs or aggregator type dad blogs to see if they ever have addressed issues like donor conception as it allows me to perhaps further de stigmatize the DI story and perhaps reach DI dads who did not know there are others dads like themselves. I sent the above tweets out this morning. Over the years I have at times been the designated DI blog on one or two of these aggregator type blogs. 

Do I reach out wanting to be a normal daddy blog?  Is this again a desire to not be seen as an infertile dad. Who knows.  I just know I am a dad and this is my place discussing DI and chronicling my life and that of my kids, trying to learn as I go along. 

Donor, Dad, StepDad ?

What's a Donor Conceived Child of Divorce to Think

In talking to my son this morning by phone I ask him how his Christmas was with his mom at his grandparents' apartment. I assumed his mom's fiancée would be there. We talked for a few minutes about how life can be complicated. Not sure how we came to referring to Donor, Dad, and StepDad but he recognized that no matter how many folks are out there always will be only one Dad. That made me smile and his not being with me at the moment a little sweeter. 

How kids process all of the stuff they do is a mystery to me.  Not sure I could process being donor conceived and my parents being divorced and one getting remarried. 

No discussions lately re the donor. We did speak this week of one half sibling where she has had some orthodontic work like mine are about to. 

So much to write about...,

I have so much to write about. 

Certainly the experience of watching the last episodes of MTV's groundbreaking Generation Cryo. Thank you Wendy for however you got the MTV folks aboard for the idea. The series has young people talking. Can't tell you how many tweets I have seen, mostly good, where they empathize with the 1096 kids etc. Donor conception I believe as an issue is breaking through and your work got it here. 

I also still need to write up a post with my comments re the Delivery Man movie as it relates to donors with an analogy to the AUS study re donors interested in coming forward years after donating. Certainly I have my comments comparing the movie to the original French Canadian  Starbuck. And also how it brought out issues of donor conceived vs donor rights issues clearly where few sperm donor comedies have done so before. Having a court case as a central plot device sort of does that. 

Told a cousin yesterday of my infertility use of donor conception to create my kids. Thought I had told him long ago. Amazingly very few folks in my extended family even know despite my public discussions and being in numerous articles etc long ago. In truth not my story but the kids so glad in most respects their privacy intact at these ages. 

Will say even though the 1096 siblings are not mine in any way I found myself very happy and proud of them how they presented themselves on the GenCryo show, in their public tweets. These are well rounded thoughtful young adults and they did great. It's a big crazy issue for folks to get your head around and they seem to be doing so quite well. Hopefully all the donor conceived out there can be thankful for that and it will help them all in their personal journeys addressing this part of who they are. 

I look forward to continuing being part of the discussion as a DI Dad for my kids and to represent dads like me as I am able. 

The Dad in Generation Cryo

Eric -

Just finished watching the final episodes. There is a lot I want to say but at this late hour it is pretty much summed up by my saying Thank you. Thank you for putting yourself out there with your thoughts, concerns, your pure reactions. Your participation put a real face on all the men out there in our position. You took some heat on Twitter but that's ok as it allowed again folks to see the raw issues and emotions. Your children are beautiful and smart and caring and that comes from you and you already know that. 

Again for now I leave you eternally grateful for your role as you in this docu-series. Without you it would not and could not have made the impact it did and will for some time to come.

I am posting this same thank you to my blog to publicly thank you. 

Thank you and best regards and I hope to continue a conversation with you. 

Good night,

Eric Schwartzman. 

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Looking for real time commentary re my views please follow me on Twitter via @Eric11714

Test to Reduce Surgery for Infertile Men

Back when we were trying to conceive even before we decided definitively to use donor insemination we tried IVF with ICSI with the goal of finding any viable sperm of my own. According to research science is close to determining via genetic markers if any sperm found would be viable even before surgery allowing decisions to avoid the knife if the sperm would not viable. 

http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/health-25018137

Advice for Potential Donors

In a comment left in response to a guest post to the New York Times Motherlode blog written by Wendy Kramer of the Donor Sibling Registry and Naomi Cahn titled "Emailing a Sperm Donor: You May Want to Sit Down" the following advice was offered. Wise words any potential donor should take to heart before deciding to donate. 

If the donor didn't want to help create a human being (who likely will have questions about his/her origins as most people do), then the donor shouldn't donate. There is no law forcing someone to donate egg or sperm.

If they want to do it out of the goodness of their heart, then out of the goodness of their heart, they should realize that the person created has fundamental rights to know about him/herself.

If the donor is doing it for money to pay for college, he/she should know the person he/she helped create may have reasonable issues with identity decades later. The donor risks his/her "creation" wanting contact or probing decades later with questions about donor's life and history. the little sperm or egg doesn't stay little, but grows up into a human being with human feelings, desires, and questions.

If donor can't handle contributing to these dilemmas, then don't donate recklessly. Again, it's a choice the donor is making voluntarily and should be properly informed about. It's certainly not the fault of the person who was created with the assistance of this donor.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/12/16/emailing-a-sperm-donor-you-may-want-to-sit-down/?_r=0

Recommended Blog Reading

This is Greg's blog and well worth reading. Check out his review of Generation Cryo after watching episode 2. 

http://afewpiecemissingfromnormalcy.wordpress.com/2013/12/06/generation-cryo-tv-series/

I am still having trouble posting URL links using the smartphone blogger function. Sorry. 

Cheers for the GenCryo Dads

I meant to write after last weeks episode of MTV's Generation Cryo but the week got away from me. And by all right I should be in bed as its midnight here in NYC now. 

I will try to write more later but wanted to write about the scenes in each of these last episodes where the dads Jim Bogdan and Eric Jacobson have one on one discussions with their sons. 

In Ep 2, at the golf driving range Jesse's dad Jim wants to discuss how Jesse should not worry how he proceeds with helping Bree that Jim is ok and no matter what Jesse is a Bogdan. It was a touching scene showing that no matter what Jim is there for Jesse. 

In Ep 3, Jonah Jacobson comes to his dad looking to make sure and ask dad Eric if its ok for him to fly to Oakland to help Bree in her continuing donor search. In the scene Jonah indicates he has no desire to meet the donor today or at all. Eric counsels that once the door is opened there is no going back and evokes the fear that if found the donor may want a bigger role and presence in the lives of the siblings. Again it is a hard scene to watch as everything Eric said I know where he is coming from. But again like Jim in Ep 2, Eric puts the wishes and desires of his son before his own feelings. 

Very very impressed how MTV weaves in the comments and thoughts of the parents especially the dads like me. 

Ep 3 does not include any footage of the divorced dad of siblings Paige, Molly and Will. In exchanging tweets with Paige this evening I asked her to convey a message to her dad that he did well and that he should be proud. I indicated I hope my two grow up as strong as the three children he raised. 

Again kudos to the Generation Cryo dads !!!  Thank you gentlemen. 

DSR Book: Finding Our Families

The book "Finding Our Families" written by Wendy Kramer, founder of the Donor Sibling Registry, comes out today. Am finally ordering my copy. 

I will try to post later texts from reviews etc. The reviews have ALL been great. 

NYT Op-Ed: Regulate the Sperm Industry

Today's New York Times includes an Op-Ed column calling for the Sperm Industry to be subjected to increased regulation. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/01/opinion/sunday/the-unregulated-sperm-industry.html?emc=edit_tnt_20131201&tntemail0=y

Hopefully the link works as I am publishing this post from a smart phone app. 

Acceptance

In the last few years I have not focused on donor conception issues. Been too busy just being dad and focusing on the kids post divorce etc. The whole Generation Cryo thing has me back in this mind set seeing little things through those glasses. 

Seeing the cartoon where the original caption read "He had his doubts from the beginning" I am reminded of a few dads I have spoken to who have had issues using another man's sperm to impregnate their spouses. It is hard to accept at first and sometimes there could be feelings if resentment and jealousy. For some it is akin to infidelity. Not all men have gone into using DI accepting it 100%. Many do and have no issues but for some it has been a fact lingering that lays hidden but can have many ill effects. 

I love my kids and was able to process the info of using DI that I don't thing I had  to much of an issue but all DI Dads have to accept it to be able to move into the next stages of loving their kids. 

NYT article re Generation Cryo

The GenetationCryo show made the cover of the NY Times Arts section this week. Below the fold but still very cool. 

There was a phrase by the reporter that technology made her and maybe technology can make her whole that @DresdenPlaid took offense at replying that #DonorConceived kids are not Terminators. 

I understood Dresden's point. And while the phrasing was cold and impersonal the writer was not trying to say the kids are inhuman. And I am betting that Dresden knew that. He, I believe, was just trying to make clear that this generation, these kids in particular, are the products of this time and continue to grow due to advances in science and have opportunities to help themselves in ways our generation could not have imagined through our connection to and through technology. 

I will say I don't think searching for a donor is the same for every donor conceived person and for most the search may not make them "whole" but it would appear as demonstrated here on Generation Cryo that an innate curiosity as to who we are drives our wanting answers that must be acknowledged for those that seek them. 

Article link:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/25/arts/television/mtvs-generation-cyro-links-families.html?adxnnl=1&adxnnlx=1385543849-zUIiUDwf8NSlpsA7vr+Xnw

Tweeting GenerationCryo

In the past week to ten days I have been responding to numerous postings / tweets regarding the MTV program Generation Cryo. At first the tweets were just ignorant dumb jokes and uncaring comments. They are getting better. Mostly responding re issues and comments regarding parents etc. here are a few of my tweets this morning. Feel free to follow me there as Eric11714. 

The DI Dad in MTV's Generation Cryo

The following post is exactly the same text I posted to the DI Dads Yahoo Group earlier today (with an added link to a UK article about the show.  In this post Eric Jacobson discusses his feelings about the show that two of his children Hilit and Jonah appear on as well as his role in the show and its production:

A few weeks back I posted about a new reality show coming up on MTV called Generation Cryo. It's the story about a 18 year old young woman from Reno, NV named Bree that decides she wants to find her sperm donor and along the way via, the Donor Sibling Registry, discovers she has over a dozen half siblings. I saw a sneak peek of the show this past week and I think it is required watching for any DI Dad to get a peak into the lives of our kids when they hit their teenage years.

 Another reason to watch is more person to us as dads. The show focuses so far a lot on what is family. And where Bree is the product of a two mom household the first two half siblings she meet are non other than the twin children of DI Dad group member Eric Jacobson. And Eric is featured on the show in this episode and a lot of the issues we each have dealt with are tackled head on. Eric's children make it clear in the episode that Eric is their dad and they have no desire to meet the donor. In their minds and hearts he is their dad. No one else. And coming from our point of view I admit I almost lost it.

 I also saw an interview this week on the Today Show with many of the half siblings from the show and again it was addressed head on by the young adults who have dads that they are not looking to replace their dads, they love their dads very much and would never want to do anything to harm those relationships. Again great thing to see from our point of view.

 I have corresponded with Eric about the show which I believe has now wrapped filming even before the 6 episode series hits the air officially. This show is not reality TV ala Jersey Shore or any of that garbage. This appears worth watching. Anyhow I am copying below an email from Eric regarding his thoughts about the show and his struggles even going into the show.

 

I will say before this show even came into being Eric's family had over the years been involved with other press stories and his twins and many of their half siblings had already met and established half sibling relationships via their finding each other on the DSR.

 

Link to a UK article about the show:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2511292/New-TV-Generation-Cryo-stars-half-siblings-searching-biological-father.html

 
Again here is Eric Jacobson's email to me, nothing edited or removed:

On Nov 20, 2013, at 4:20 PM, Eric Jacobson  wrote:

Eric (you can post this)

Thanks for your kind words. If I said this was an easy process making this should I would be a liar. There were many arguements and fights about if I would even participate: How far would the show go in terms of the donor? Would MTV make this into another "reality show" like New Jersey Shore? These were my concerns before we event started the show.  

I think I shared with you and the Donor Dad list serve many years ago that I had to be dragged kicking and screaming into many of the activities related to our family being a donor family: Should we tell the kids? Should we tell them about the siblings? Should we talk to the press? I didn't necessarily want to do any of this - as I said on the show it was my insecurity. However, the one given that made it easier for me was the bond and love I have with Jonah and Hilit. With that in place, I knew that nothing could really go wrong. No matter what they would always be there for me and I am and will forever be their dad. I think this came out in the show as well. What may not be there is how protective they are of me and my feelings. I guess my advise for dads would be to have that love and nothing else could go wrong.

I had no problems telling Jonah to give his DNA because I know that even if they find the donor or meet him, I am their dad. By the way, both kids said from the beginning they have no interest in meeting the donor if he is found. Still my insecurity comes up a lot and that is what I have to deal with. I know you were concerned about how they refer to the donor as donor father. It is a legitimate concern but I think this issue is so new nobody really knows how to be political correct in how to refer to this guy. I am not sure how any of the kids really feel about this journey. Much of it was pushed upon them by families and then things just happen. I remember at one point, Jonah said as an 18 year old man "he could be someone who donated and probably would not want to have to worry 20 years later that a bunch of kids would show up on his door step." I think he gets it.

 Throughout the show I could only be real. Wasn't going to hold back or make it easy for the production people. Sometimes I get emotional about this and sometimes I get angry and there were times I had to walk away from the filming so I could get my act together. There is one other dad in the group and he I have not had lots of conversations but I think we feel the same way. Not really sure about why we have to go through this but it was good getting the kids together. They feel connected. I don't necessarily feel connected. We have made some good friends but I don't see them as family in any way.

 After all these years, I now honestly believe that we have to be open and upfront with our children and with ourselves. We live in a time when the "traditional" family no longer exists and we are pioneers in creating a new kind of family. Think about it, in our group there are single moms, lesbian couples and traditional families. It reflects the United States and the people who make up this great country. Those who are not open with their kids will find down the line that their kids are angry at them, not trusting, and may have other issues as they get older. We have to love them as much as we can and teach them that no matter what I am your dad - I just could not do what other men do and that is produce children - period. I hope this is the message of Generation Cryo for parents and for kids.

 I was told by the producers that my part of the show is a selling point because it does give the perspective of a dad and a parent. This is not just about finding the donor - it is about family and how families deal with issues such as having to use donor sperm or donor eggs. Does this make me a star? No, it just makes me human and my hard outside gave way to the soft inside that my kids love about me. Hopefully all the "dads" out there there that are struggling will find some comfort in this and know that if I continue to love my kids and be a good father there is NOTHING to worry about.  Believe me there were times when we were struggling raising American teenagers and all the other things we have to deal with that I forgot we used a donor.  Those are the issues we need to be more concerned about. 

Please know that if anyone has questions or issues that I would be available to discuss them.  I know how you feel - been there/done it - and I know what comes out on the other side.  So I dedicate my role on Generation Cryo to all the other guys out there - may you get comfort from what I have said.

Eric Jacobson

 From: Eric Schwartzman
To: Eric Jacobson
Sent: Tuesday, November 19, 2013 11:36 PM
Subject: Re: Generation Cryo

Hey Eric,

Just watched the first episode. Felt giving you my impressions before I would post anything or blog about it would be appropriate. 

First off every feeling you espoused that made it on air I have felt and related to. No idea if you have met any of the twins other half sibs parents to know if there is another dad like you. Am curious to see as the series continues. Was interesting and happy to see the amount of air time devoted to parent reactions. Appreciated that. 

Signing off on the DNA swab test was the right thing but can understand how hard it must have been. My kids and their sibs are all too young to be at these kids level of mind set so I am a ways away from seeing what they want. So the show is a possible roadmap of what may await me. 

Am impressed with your honesty and candor. Saying thank you. 

Regards

Eric Schwartzman

Twitter Feedback and Being Engaged in Life

This afternoon I exchanged tweets (via @Eric11714) regarding the DI Dads yahoo discussion group and how it made a difference for one man. 

Even though I have not been involved in the group on a daily basis for some time I do take some pride in knowing the group helped this gentlemen. 

I sometimes feel guilty for stepping back as I have. My marriage partially failed due to at times not being fully engaged in the marriage as I had been blogging full time through two blogs, this blog, and another a geographically based blog. I guess I still partially blame the time I spent blogging as well as the time on the group. Truth is I had other issues as well. But the effect is I now try to spend more time being dad and engaged with my kids. I don't want the kids feeling ever I wasn't there. 

The Donor's Child

Turns out the new half sibling is the donor's own child. Apparently the donor updated his medical / family profile and listed the birth of his own daughter. My kids were excited at the thought of a new half sibling but disappointed when I pointed out that it is unlikely they'd ever meet unless the donor comes forward or tells his own child that he once was a donor. 

Interesting and unexpected. 

Another Half Sibling?

Traded emails last night with one of the moms of our two known half siblings. It appears that on the sibling registry maintained by the cryobank there may be a listing for another sibling we were not aware of. 

I had not seen this sibling on the Donor Sibling Registry but then again I have not logged in there in a while. Thought there I had set up an auto email when siblings were added. 

Interesting if true but why would a parent post on the cryobank registry and not the DSR?

Wild. 

Movie Review: Starbuck - He Fathered 533 Kids...

The following is a post I just left on the Facebook group "Donor Conceived Offspring, Siblings, Parents":

Hello everyone. I am a dad to two children conceived via DI. For years I wrote a blog about just that and occasionally still post there. Last night I went to see the French Canadian film Starbuck From the trailer I expected it to be in movie terms a farce, and point of it were just that. 

It is a cute film and while the plot does involve the desire of 142 DC offspring trying to learn Starbuck's identity the film focuses more on the view of Starbuck and his attempts to act as "dad" while not giving up his true identity. I don't want to give away too much of what happens as it is a very sweet movie. Unrealistic perhaps but it does demonstrate that familial bonds develope in a lot of different ways. One scene where Starbuck does make a statement to his "children / offspring" is quite poignant and leads to several succeeding events.

Years ago as a non-biological dad I may have been threatened by the idea of my kids meeting their donor. I don't believe I am anymore but as they are still young it is unclear whether they will have any desire to meet him much less pursue a relationship. In the movie the feelings of the young adult children about their social parent was handled well, if not perhaps quickly, as it was not the point of the story or adding to the basic comedy that was the genre of this film.

We have seen a lot of sperm donor movies over the last few years most with happy scripted endings and this one does not break from the pattern. Most have dealt with the mother ending up, inadvertently with the actual donor. Others have been just as controverted. This ending was satisfying and cute. In the scheme of things it may not add anything to the debates we all have on this topic and our lives but for a couple of hours it is innocent fun (and at points very sweet) and allows us to feel good.

It should be started the movie opens with a totally unneeded scene of Starbuck in the clinic trying to donate. The typical jokes and his "trying" which we did not need to see.  Should have been edited out.  It is probably the only scene I had an issue with and one I would not let young children see. 


As with all movie reviews, and commentary on this topic so close to home, for all of us I expect there will be contrary opinions and I am open to hear them. What is your opinion of this movie and others of what has become a sub-genre all on its own?

Two DI News Stories: Kansas, Monica Cruz

Kansas

Over the last few weeks I have read a number of articles regarding a case in Kansas where a known donor was used by a lesbian couple where he signed papers giving up his right to the child but now the Kansas courts are requiring him to pay child support.

In short, Kansas law does not allow a same sex partner to adopt the child of their partner.  Louis Sternberg's blog summarized the best how the Courts came to their decision and the reason why.  It has nothing to do with their position on donor conception:

When [the birth mother] applied for state health insurance for the child, Kansas demanded to know the identity of the father. Kansas law, like New York, allows the state to seek child support on behalf of a custodial parent when that custodial parent is receiving certain state-sponsored financial benefits such as health insurance. Angela de Rocha, a spokeswoman for the Kansas Department for Children and Families said “all individuals who apply for taxpayer-funded benefits through DCF are asked to cooperate with child support enforcement efforts” and that “DCF is required by statute to establish paternity and then pursue child support from the non-custodial parent.”

Sternberg's blog actually states that under Kansas law that if the insemination was done by a licensed physician (it was not here) the donor would have been held harmless.

New York law considers me the natural father to my two DI children as I was married to their mother when they were born.  Now that I am not here I am paying child support.  No chance for me to get our donor to help out I guess. Lucky guy.


Monica Cruz

I was amused to learn that model Monica Cruz, the actress Penelope Cruz's nearly identical younger sister, decided that she no longer wanted to wait to find the man of her dreams to start a family and turned to donor insemination.   There are a lot of comments I can make to this story but many of them would get me in trouble.  I wish her and her baby well.  

2013 - Happy New Year

2012 has come and gone.  I only posted here 5 times in 2012.  I had hoped I would improve on my 2011 count of 41.  But it was not to be.  I am sitting here wondering what does that mean?   My divorce was finalized early in 2012 so that was not an issue in my writing less as it had been in 2009 and 2010.  Overall it must be that the issues of donor conception were not as pressing to my day to day life as they had been in earlier years. 

I also have not contributed as much to the Yahoo DI Dads group as I had in prior years.  At his point the group is somewhat self supporting.  There are a key group of dads there who are great and provide great feedback for those men looking for help.

So why do I come back here?  Probably because as my kids get older I expect the questions to increase.  They have not yet.  My kids are now going on 11 and 9.  Their relationships with their half siblings are those of distant cousins.  In truth they have been asking to see their female half sibling as it's been a couple of years since they have physically gotten together. 

But what about me?  What are my needs, my thoughts?  I am not sure.  When I see news stories on the topic I certainly have defiined opinions, defined positions.  I have not been active in the donor conception community in some time.

I still toy with the desire to memorialize all this into a book, updating key posts from over the years, and my thoughts.  I expect my activity will increase as the teenage years hit.  In the mean time I wanted to ask what topics you as the visiting reader would want addressed that perhaps you have not found if you have surfed through this site.  I apologize as the early years of this site did not have topic tagging as the recent years do.

Thank you and Happy 2013 ! 

Stupid Word Choices...

Somehow I find myself watching The Back-Up Plan with Jennifer Lopez.  In this flick she uses a sperm donor and is pregnant with twins. She then meets a great guy and fall in love.  By chance he is her sperm donor.  Anyhow at one point he states the twins she is carrying are not his. The stupid word choice.  She gets scared he wants to walk away and dumps him.  Being a romantic comedy you know they eventually get back together.

The truth is every DI Dad has stupidly said these words before the baby was born.  There has not been a day after my kids were born that I have thought that.  They are my kids.  Hadn't been here in a while so figured wanted to check in.

Did We Roll The Genetic Dice ?

On May 14, 2012, The New York Times ran an article titled "In Choosing a Sperm Donor, A Roll of the Genetic Dice".  The article details the plight of several families whose children due possibly to a lack of testing or screening developed diseases that possibly are due to the donor's sperm.  It is another of the NYT articles on the topic written over the years that I feel couples planning / considering using donor insemination should read before going down this path.


I say it is a must read not so much to scare anyone away from this family building option but moreso that the couple thinks about what questions to ask the cryobank before buying vials of sperm.  Those questions may be different for each couple.


My own feelings are that the questions should include the following:


(1) Does the donor bio state what tests were run on the sample?
(2) Does the cryobank publicly list what tests are run on each donor and thesamples taken?(3) When was the donor sperm donated ? and was it donated to this bank directlyor to a previous bank?


The article has opened up a debate on the DI Dads Yahoo Group regarding the veracity of documentation of issues resulting from the lack of testing of donor sperm.  For many diseases to manifest themselves it would take both the donor and the mother to carry the traits or genes for the disease.  Even if a donor was found to be carrier, who knows if the couple trying to have the children is even aware if the mother might be a carrier as well.




I am not sure how anything can be statistically proven unless more families are encouraged to report live births and/or issues back to their cryobanks or a central registry.   People value their privacy and regulation and legislation are seen as impeding on privacy which is another roadblock to effective reporting of issue beyond simple (or not so simple) testing of the donor at the source. 


Again I offer the article as another resource for issues that should be discussed.  So far the roll of the dice my ex and I took regarding our children has turned out lucky sevens so far.  G-d willing that won't change as they grow older.

Drug Store Chain To Sell OTC Sperm Test

I admit I am curious. I don't feel the need to purchase the test myself and take the test but I am curious. My need to have kids, biologically or otherwise, I believe is done. Maybe if I were to remarry but doubtful. But I am curious I admit. What are your thoughts?

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-02-07/sperm-test-at-walgreen-seen-plugging-infertility-gap-retail.html

Scientists Grow Sperm in Laboratory Dish

Interesting article. Certainly encouraging. Not sure how I feel about the germ cells being hosted by a live mouse.

I'd be concerned that my son could be Stuart Little if they could not assure me that the human sperm retrieved would include no mouse cells. Shades of Jurasic Park concerns. But science is amazing.

Who would have thoughts years ago that even ICSI was possible and successful. So someday I am sure this or a variant will be an option.

Happy 2012 !

Happy New Year ! Welcome to 2012 !

Well the kids are in bed sound asleep after staying up to see the ball drop. It was just us and they were plenty cranky at the end. Nothing special just a night of board games, Chinese food, they called their mom at 11:30pm, and fighting over what TV to watch. again nothing crazy.

I did take them swimming for about an hour and a half earlier in the afternoon which they really loved. The young lifeguard was very amused by the kids and even commented how much my daughter looks like me. I simply said thank you and smiled. I don't think anyone has ever said that about my daughter before. I was amused. That simple statement never fails to amuse me.

Time for me to get to bed. Even though I am sure these kids will sleep in tomorrow I am sure I will want to sleep later and must be ready for them.

Good night and again Happy New Year !