Video: "All About Me - Donor Unknown"

This evening I came upon a video by Alice, a donor conceived adult, in her twenties who set out to learn more about what it means to be donor conceived. I found the video on the British website Teachers.tv.

The video's creation, per the credits, was assisted by the Donor Conception Network, in the UK, and includes interviews by Alice with two families that were included on the DCN "Telling and Talking" DVD. Alice also interview a 14 year old donor conceived young woman who has known since she was a child as well as Andy, a former donor, who now believes the rights of DCPs to learn the identity of their donors outweigh the expectation of anonymity by donors.

The video is overall a worthy addition to the lexicon of videos by donor conceived individuals to educate the public of the issues and questions that go along with DC methods.

Should We Look For Our Sperm Donor?

There is a post on the Yahoo Donor Sibling Registry discussion group about a family that learned that their donor had died. They had been excited as they were making plans to meet and recently learned of his passing.

Makes you wonder, whether despite the legal contract I signed not to look, whether we should be looking. My first responsibilty is to my own kids not ethically whether I must uphold the contract. Should we look now? Just to locate him so we know where to go if the kids are interested to know. If we wait we could lose their opportunity.

Infertility Books (1) Land of IF & (2) Maybe Baby

This post is a hit and run post as I am at work on 12/26 and want to get out of here. My apologies to both authors.

"Navigating the LAND of IF"

I have "known" Melissa Ford, albeit online, for a few years now and I can say therefore I knew her back when as she has become a singular force in the on-line infertility community with her website Stirrup Queens and its related special purpose sites.

She has built, on a personal level, what so many clinics, therapists and national organization can only dream of....a pre-built support system of fellow bloggers and individuals who know exactly what you are going through. The system has peer support for every variation of infertility.

So when she titled her book "Navigating the LAND of IF" you can be sure you will have no better guide than Melissa.

"Maybe Baby"

This afternoon I stopped in at a local chain bookstore and wandered past the infertility section to see what titles were new and to see if the male perspective was being represented at all and was surprised to see that it was. A rare and amazing event had occured. "Maybe Baby" is by the author, Matthew Miller, of the blog by the same name. Perusing the blog today I am amazed at how I missed this great blog and resource for guys going through male factor infertility.

I have read many MFI blogs over the years and most have fallen by the way side once the kids show up but I can say few if any have reached as many readers as Matthew Miller's Maybe Baby blog do. I applaud Mr. Miller for his honesty and humor for putting his life and that of his wife's so pubicly out there. So for those guys out there who are TTC and want something to read on thei daily commute and at home if the Internet is not really your thing pick up this book. I have and I am obviously no longer TTC but want to read what this man has to say.

Regards and Happy Holidays !

Jennifer Lopez : Mom via Donor Insemination in "Plan B"

According to the NY Daily News story linked HERE Jennifer Lopez will star in a film titled "Plan B" where she will attempt to conceive a child via donor insemination.

No word whether (a) her character is planning to be a choice mom / single mom by choice or (b) whether her character's husband has male factor infertility issues or (c) whether her character is one half of lesbian couple. My bet it's choice "a".

If there is a DI Dad in the picture perhaps we can get the script to include him in the yahoo group.

Updates: Local DC Groups, Seminars, Discussion Groups

The past week and a half, I have personally seen donor conception activity on several fronts.

On Monday December 8th, I participated in the last session of a multi-part forum for families considering using donor egg to start their families. The Forum was sponsored by the American Fertility Association and was chaired by Patricia Mendell. That same day received back comments from Vinnie, another DI Dad, about a draft Donor Conception New York flyer I had drafted. Olivia from the DCN also gave me her comments later in the week.

On Tuesday, I received an email from Sara Axel who for the last several years, as a volunteer, has run a stand alone, unaffiliated, peer support group called NYC Gathering and who also runs a similiar group for Resolve of Long Island. On Thursday, December 11th, I received another email from Nancy Kaufman, who together with Elizabeth Silk, run a group titled Third Party Parenting Network right here in New York City. TPPM is also a peer support group even though both Nancy and Elizabeth are therapists.

On Friday, Bob Bammon, a therapist who also work with infertility issues, and who is also associated with the AFA, invited to me to join in a phone discussion group of professionals and concerned individuals to discuss issues relative to the rights of donor conceived children and families.

Pretty cool week.

AFA Publishes Donor Conception New York Article

The American Fertility Association published an article I wrote regarding Donor Conception New York in their November 2008 eConnections on-line newsletter. They titled the article DI_Dad where I hoped it would be titled after Donor Conception New York. I can understand it as I wrote the top half of the piece about who I am, this blog, the DI Dads Yahoo Group and then how I came to the point of wanting to create the Donor Conception New York group.

Anyhow if you want to read the whole piece you can link to it above or HERE. I am hoping it will generate interest in the group. The Donor Conception New York blog and related Yahoo group can be linked to within this sentence.

Post Secret: Donor Conceived Post Card

Anyone who has ever visited the Post Secret website knows how raw the emotions are regarding the post card submissions posted on this site. The above card re donor conception is no exception. I have not yet foudn the URL to its posting directly on the Post Secret website itself.

Also as enlightening is the post published on Lindsay's blog Confessions of a Cryokid. I have been reading Lindsay's blog for some time and for some reason only tonight got around to linking to it in my right hand side bar.

Lindsay also links to the Post Secret Forum discussion thread in response to the above Post Secret post card. It is also worth checking out.

I am hoping my kids never feel this level of pain to feel submitting a card like this is necessary but I thankful for this individual that they did something as evidently they feel a fair amount of pain.

Forbes: "Searching for my Donor Dad"

Many of the articles regarding donor insemination that I have read by donor conceived individuals include the phrase "I wasn't looking for a dad. I was looking for a donor". Hana Alberts includes just that sentence in an article she has written and is currently published on Forbes.com.

It is a statement that many internet comment posters don't always believe. That is their problem. The article is pretty good and details a bit about the search the writer has gone through. Definitely worth checking out.

Cheaper by the Dozen

This afternoon while watching television with the kids we ended up watching the Steve Martin version of the movie Cheaper by the Dozen. I asked the kids if they wanted 10 brothers and sisters and of course the answer was yes even if that meant 8 kids in my son's room and 4 in his sister's room. The movie is plenty cute and despite the internal squabbles of the kids they all loved each other and as the movie ended they all lived happily ever after.

I realized this evening that my own kids will grow up like both my wife and I did with only one sibling and that will be basically their whole family except for two cousins on side of the family. No we are not even contemplating having more DI kids but the wish the kids had a larger family for support and just normal stuff is appealing.

It's been several months since the kids last physically met "T" their only known half sibling. I wish we all lived closer so that the kids could see her more often. They have not asked about "T" that much lately. I am not pushing them to include her in their thoughts and we let her existence come up naturally if and when the kids ask.

I still check the Donor Sibling Registry periodically to see if more half siblings are out there but as time passes it is less and less likely that there are others or at least if there are that their families will register their existence on the DSR decreasing the likelihood that we will even learn about them.

I believe I have written here that before I learned of my infertility I always wanted four kids. These days for financial reasons alone that is less heard of much less when infertility is encountered. So for now I will continue to live out my desire for a larger family through television while snuggling with the two beautiful kids I have.

Advertising for Donor Conception New York

Yesterday I decided to start advertising on a few "parent" centered blogs and a few LGBT blogs / site to start getting the word out about building a donor conception community here in the NYC area. The button on the left is perhaps overly simple, but states its question, and hopefully it with a link to the Donor Conception New York blog site will start attracting interest in the idea of a new organization. I will also be starting a Facebook group as suggested to me by a member on the Donor Conception New York blog's companion Yahoo group.

What are your thoughts? Can you spread the word and post the blue button on your blog or site?

A need for local networks but for now just lunch

This Friday, if work schedules allow, I will meet for only the second time another father of a child conceived via donor insemination. The first such meeting was one week before the Oct 4 Toronto DC Ethics conference when I met Walter Merricks of the Donor Conception Network. For goals of openess and disclosure to increase in the United States among heterosexual couples there must be local support groups set up to connect donor conception families.

Internet groups and connections are a giant step forward to disseminate information and to get men to start addressing fears and open questions but until there are meetings that wives can drag men to where they can see other men like themselves and as individuals and couples to start discussing the topics of disclosure openly it will always be easier to hide the use of donor conception and for individuals not to be told their donor conception stories.

So again I am hoping to start Donor Conception New York off the ground with this goal as one of several purposes. Hopefully this lunch is a start to that path. For now it is simply a lunch between two dads. Next time maybe more folks can join and meet.

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If there are any donor conceived individuals in the NYC area who would be interested in an informal meeting please let me know. I know I have spoken about planning a larger "gathering" but I am now thinking smaller more intimate meetings are a way to start and connect. My goals for Donor Conception New York are not for only hetero families but to be open to all DC individuals and families.

Teenage Donor Conception Literature - Fiction

Over the next few weeks I plan on reading each of the below fictional donor conception / insemination books. I am debating whether I will be leaving the dust jackets at home as my fellow subway / bus riders will no doubt wonder what a 40 something man is reading what are obviously books aimed at teenagers and teenage girls at that.

I posted the synopsis for each book on the DI Dads Yahoo group and one of the initial reactions was that neither synopsis mentions anything about a social father who raises and wants the child while the first book seems to indicate that the Choice Mom later married and bore children with her fertile husband prompting a discussion about real men and a call for a book featuring a DI Dad.

After I finish each I will post a review and my comments. I admit I will be reading each wondering what my own kids would be thinking if they were the reader much less my own reactions.

My So Called Family
by Courtney Sheinmel

Pub. Date: October 2008
ISBN-13: 9781416957850
Age Range: 9 to 12

Synopsis per Barnes & Noble:

"Leah Hoffman-Ross just moved to New York and she wants her new friends to think she's a typical thirteen-year-old. But Leah has a secret: She doesn't have a father; she has a donor. Before Leah was born, her mother went to Lyon's Reproductive Services and picked Donor 730. Now Leah has a stepfather and a little brother, and her mom thinks that they should be all the family Leah needs.

Despite her attempts to fit in and be normal, Leah can't help but feel like something is missing. When she finds the link to the Lyon's Sibling Registry, Leah has to see if she has any half siblings. And when she discovers that one of the other kids from Donor 730 is a girl her age, Leah will do anything to meet her -- even if she has to hide it from everybody else."

The Other Half of Me
by Emily Franklin

Pub. Date: September 2007
ISBN-13: 9780385904490
Age Range: Young Adult

Synopsis per Barnes & Noble”

“Jenny Fitzgerald has been outside the huddle, trying to fit in to her sports-obsessed family. The only time she knows the score is when she's holding an egg-carton palette and painting on a canvas, but even then she feels as though something is missing.

Unlike her three younger siblings, Jenny knows her biological father only as Donor #142.

As Jenny's 16th summer draws to a close, she feels more alienated than ever. But then a chance meeting with gorgeous über-jock Tate leads Jenny to reach out to someone else who might know exactly how she feels. With Tate by her side, Jenny searches for a genetic relative in the Donor Sibling Registry and discovers that she has a half sister, Alexa. Jenny hopes their budding relationship will fill the gaps in her life, but when Alexa shows up on her doorstep for a surprise visit, the changes in Jenny's world are much bigger than she could ever have imagined.”

The New Atlantis - Donated Generation - Summer 2008

I believe I have forgotten to mention an article that I was quoted in by Cheryl Miller, who recently met at the October DC ethics conference I attended. Cheryl interviewed me months ago and to be honest I had forgotten about the interview and then the article was published in the Summer 2008 issue of The New Atlantis. I then heard about it and was quite surprised to see the opening three paragraphs were all me. My fame tapers off from there on but it was quite amusing.

You can read the article in its entirety on line by linking HERE. The publication is a bit right leaning but overall the article presented was received warmly by many in the donor conception community. Cheryl spoke about it and other topics at the DC conference.

International Network of Donor Conception Organizations

On October 5, 2008, as part of the Infertility Network's 2008 Donor Conception conference which focused on Ethics, several of the attending organizations came together to form "The International Network of Donor Conception Organizations". I attended this year's conference but had to leave before the second day which was to entail how to breainstorm and push forward items of shared interest. Apparently this organization was the result of that meeting.

The founding organizations include The Donor Sibling Registry, USA, The Donor Conception Network, UK, CaBRI, USA, Association MAIA, France.

I have hoped to see such an organiation since I attended the same conference in 2005 after which I floated an idea to start a Donor Conception Alliance and even went as far as creating a steering comittee trying to pull together individuals from differing backgrounds which never left that committee. Although I had no role in INODCO's creation I expect to be a firm supporter of it.

While a blog is obviously not an organization perhaps they will create a blog roll of supporting blogs? The image in the left side bar is not authorized by anyone and was created by me to show my support for the organization and the objectives listed below.

All involved organizations support the following objectives:

1. End donor anonymity.

2. Track all recipients, donors and births and safeguard all records in a central, government data bank indefinitely. Information to be accessible by all involved families.

3. Mandate reporting of donor conceived live births from each donor.

4. Limit the number of births conceived with the sperm or eggs from any given donor

5. Require donors to regularly update their family medical history. Medical information to be included in donor data bank.

6. Mandate genetic testing for donors and include genetic information in donor bank.
7. Push our respective governments to inquire into followup health histories of egg donors.
8. Require mandatory third party counseling for all prospective donors and parents.
9. Require legal and financial protection for anonymous donors so that they may feel safe to come forward.

Competing Rights and Concerns re Donor Conception

Earlier this evening I posted a message on the DI Dads Yahoo Group regarding contact between half siblings. One of the dads, someone whose opinion I value and who is also one of the moderators, commented that he and his wife are unsure what to tell their child or whether they will tell their child about a known half sibling. I should point out their child is very young and is no more than toddler age. Certanly not old enough to comprehend any of the issues and what it means yet to be donor conceived.

I ended up posting two messages in response to this member's comments. The first focused on my beliefs that at this point my feelings are the larger issue is that the rights of the donor conceived shoudl trump what feelings we may have as parents. The second message was posted as I was concerned that my first comment would be taken too critical of this man's views. I do firmly believe we are each entitled to our own views and I also don't believe one parent has the right to impose their views on how another parent parents.

But at the same time I am becomming more convinced that the rights of the donor conceived should trump that of parents trying to conceive. I am not yet convinced that donor conception shoudl be outlawed as I do believe individuals / families have the right to determine what reproductive methods they choose without legislation saying what they can and cannot do. That may change as I am pretty close to believing that donor anonymity in the USA should be legislatively abolished. I realize that the last two statements may not work together.

My evolution on the overall DI topic seems to be heading towards a conclusion that when infertile couples are trying to conceive that we focus only on our desire to have children without as much thought as to the issues and concerns that the donor conceived individual created may face at a later point and that has increasingly been a source of concern to me.

As a non biological parent who jointly used DI to create my family I believe that an increased responsibility exists that requires non bio fathers to protect the rights of our donor conceived children even if that means sometimes sacrificing a small bit of our pride to ensure the children grow up with as positive a self esteem as possible such that they can process whatever questions arise about their identity and all that goes along with that.

Ethics Conference: Happy I Attended

Since I got back from Toronto I have not had much time to truly start putting my reactions down to paper. Overall I am very happy I decided to attend. I got to meet a number opf folks I have only corresponded with or have read their blogs or just seen on TV. I spoke as a DI Dad and also updated folks as to where the Yahoo Group is and my desire to start a NY area based in person support group. I only wish I had written out what I wanted to say as I missed a number of points I wanted to make by speaking off the cuff.

It was quite a long day. I started the day by getting up at 330 am here in NYC, leaving at 430 am for the airport, arriving in Toronto at 730am only to return back to New York that evening and walk back into my New York apartment at 930pm.

The conference stayed pretty much focused on ethics for most of the speakers. I will try to give the conference the recap it deserves later this week but it is going to be tough as work is nuts, Yom Kippur is this Thursday and then on Friday my wife and I have our first real vacation in years leaving the kids with her parents for 4 days and 3 nights. God help them all.

Interview with Donated Generation Blogger Damian Adams

The following links are interviews conducted with Damian Adams from the blog Donated Generation by Cheryl Miller of the New Atlantis (A Journal of Technology and Society). Damian is an adult who has known most of his life of his origins. I have found Damian to be pretty direct, forthright and worth following his comments and feelings.

Part One:
http://www.thenewatlantis.com/blog/conceptions/questions-for-damian-adams-donor-conceived-adult

Part Two:
http://www.thenewatlantis.com/blog/conceptions/questions-for-damian-adams-donor-conceived-adult-2

Trying to Avoid "Feeling Different"

One of the phrases I see a lot in stories about the moment that a donor conceived individual learns the truth of their conception is that they always felt different in some way from the man they always knew as their father. It's a comment that haunts me at times. It's not a comment I have heard from donor conceived individuals that have always known that their dad was not biologically related to them (as my kids "know") but still the comment haunts me.

I am not haunted by the knowledge that I expect my children during some argument we have once they hit their teenage years to say that I am not their real father. I am not haunted by this as I know it will happen and it will be the by-product of their reaching for something to hurt me during a normal parent - teenager argument. It will hurt, yes, but I will know it is as merely the equivalent of just trying to fight back.

But the "different" statement worries me as I wonder if I am subconciousnessly saying or acting in a way that my now young children would ever sense. As a dad I sometimes react too fast. I have said on this blog in earlier posts that I am not as patient a parent as I had expected or hoped to be. At times my son just does not listen and I tend to react, after asking him to do something several times something which he ignores, by stating I will take a favorite toy away (yesterday it was a chess trophy) when the act in question does not deserve such escalation.

On hindsight I wonder if he or his sister will bury these exchanges in their psyche and later interpret them as daddy treated me differently than he would a biological child. I know I am over thinking this but it is something I wonder about. Especially on a day after I have reacted too fast and a six year old now keeps stating that he wants me to throw away his chess trophy and doesn't care about it even after I have apologized and told him how proud I was to see him be presented with it.

I guess I am the one feeling different based on my own shortfalls as a parent.

Mandating Central Donor Registries Discussed in Today Show Segment

This past week the issue of donor conception and specifically the issue of mandatory donor registries was addressed. An interesting piece mostly because most news pieces simply focus on the kids searching for the donors and the message of mandating such registries was discussed and featured prominently as opposed to being just thrown out there and not addressed.

UPDATE: 9/22
For the reactions of an adult donor conceived individual to this video link over to "Whose Daughter?"

1929 all over again?

The last three days have been pretty scary. I am watching sizeable chunks of my 401K retirement accounts being eaten away and tomorrow I need to act to stop the losses before it is too late. Years ago I woud have said to myself to just ride it out as there are many years until retirement. If this is as bad as the pundits say I don't think anyone can wait.

Why am I writing this here on a DI related blog? I am not sure. Of the several blogs I maintain, DI and non-DI related, I guess it is here I have spoken the most personally. I grew up in a house where my father changed jobs pretty often as the sales force always got laid off when times were tough and while we never really went without anything there were times when we knew it was months between my dad securing a new job. And you get accustomed to worrying about money.

After all the IVF attempts and other financial miscues we don't have a huge nest egg we can tap into if this market collapses. My job is not tied directly to the financial markets but most people don't realize how tied together everything is and I am a bit stressed right now. My greatest fear, at this moment, would be losing this apartment and not knowing where to go.

Sorry for the non-DI tangent but needed to get his out before I screamed and woke everyone up.