Saturday, December 24, 2011

Sharing the Pain of Loss

This morning I read a post on the Yahoo group Donor Sibling Registry by Allison Rouble of the blog GENdMOM. Afterwards I posted a reply. Both are below.

"Still Playing Head Games with Myself"

It never seems to fail with me, after being married for 11 years and having never used any birth control, having received a diagnosis of male infertility due to unexplained azoospermia and having to use donor sperm to create our family I still find myself looking at the calendar every month wondering if some how by magic I will have gotten pregnant the good old fashioned way by my husbands sperm.

I play this torturous mind game with myself, I think maybe I am pregnant, i do a detailed analysis of every phantom symptom I have. I further twist the knife in my heart by wondering if it will be a boy or a girl, what names would we pick, would we have to move or add onto our house to make room for another child. I do this month after month, and the inevitable always happens. Auntie flow shows up with the bad but predictable news that “NO you are not pregnant you silly girl, your husband is infertile and it isn’t going to happen that way”.

I hate her, my auntie flow. Hate her because she comes to me every month with the bloody reminder that I will never have a biological child with the man I dearly love. And stupid, desperate me looks in the mirror at myself every time she is here for her visit and says, “maybe next month!”

My reply as posted to the Yahoo Discussion Group:

I have been unsure how to respond to this post. I am that infertile husband, or rather was, and my first reaction is to say I am sorry. My next reaction is the following....

Most (admittedly not all) DI Dads like myself know how hard it has been or is for our spouses who shared our pain addressing male factor infertility. It haunts us terribly throughout the process. We feel extreme guilt for it and are eternally grateful for you sticking by us. With the birth of these DI children we find ourselves in love with both the child and each of you again so deeply.

Most of us don't realize that the sense of loss you feel continues and need you to tell us so we can work through the feelings with you. We would rather share your pain then let you suffer it silently and alone.

We can't make it stop but we can let you know how much we love you and how much stronger we are as a family and as a loving couple.

1 comment:

Mosha429 said...

The original poster really does tell the exact thing some (if not most) of the wives/partners of IF men suffer every month. "Auntie flow" is a hell of a reminder that we'll never ever ever be surprised by a pregnancy. Then the optimist (or fool) in us hopes for maybe next month and the cycle continues.

Your reply was insightful and touching. I appreciate it. I will share with my dear hubby next time, maybe. Or maybe I'll save him the heartache because more painful than our own mourning is that of the man we love.

I am very intrigued by your blog. Thanks for sharing!