You are not my real dad. I feared hearing those words. I knew one day they would be said. It did not make the fear any easier or the pain of hearing them being said. But I also knew because I am a good dad the hurt would pass.
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There are so many fears that dads like me have. None are as cutting as this statement. Many involve rejection but this statement is one all dads, or any non genetic parent, will face someday. Even if not said aloud it's bound to happen. Most bio parents get it in the form of a wish statement in anger. For us it can said in anger, it can be said off hand. It hurts either way. On one hand it hurts due to its plain truth. Most kids know it's not true and that dad is dad and after whatever fight it's said within they will apologize buts it's been said.
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Once it's said it's been said. That initial pain will pass. It's possible you will hear it again in anger at another point but hopefully it may not have the same piercing pain it held that first time.
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It will always be a phrase held in a donor conceived individual's back pocket. Simply because. But because I am a real dad, despite not being their bio father, I realize that if they need to say it they are doing so in exasperation, a need to be in control.
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To move past it the heat of the moment the best response is to validate the statement's blade even if you disagree with the statement's purpose. Let your child, your teen, the adult standing before you have a moment. Let them know you are there for them. The sting you feel may still be hurting but I can bet it's hurting more for them by saying it.
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There are moments in our lives as recipient parents we must prepare for. For ourselves. For them. This statement is one of them.
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[Note - my daughter actually said this to me somewhere around two years ago. I am not sure if exactly when. There is a post on it in this blog when it happened.]
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https://www.instagram.com/p/CDL387thofV/?igshid=1bm6ug86oo5xs
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#parenting #donorconceived #donorconception #donorinsemination #malefactorinfertility #adoption #youarenotmyrealdad
#youarenotmyrealmom
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