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Putting that aside our job as parents is to protect our children and to prepare them for what they need to face in life. If we choose donor conception as a family building method there are responsibilities we have, in my opinion, that all start with being truthful.
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Part of that truth is that a choice was made that was beyond the donor conceived child's control. Again I am not saying anything new here.
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As individuals we make choices and family building is one of them. We make choices based on many factors. Infertility. Economics. Faith. Family. We make these choices for ourselves everyday.
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Where families are grown without the need for medical intervention those choices are generally accepted as personal and kids are stuck with the choices parents make. No one chooses who their parents are. That happens here too but in the former scenario the children are connected to their parents biologically.
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Let's get back to the question. Will my kids be ok?
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The answer has many layers. A lot of it comes down to actions, luck of the draw, and planning. We all want to say that love and desire alone will ensure the child will be ok. But even in families that have absolutely perfect loving parents that are open and transparent and listen fully, that an individual born via donor conception may have questions or desires for something "missing".
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Some individuals never feel anything is missing from their life. They don't have any desire to find that absent biological connection. Dare I say that blood parent. They don't need to know a medical or ethnic history that comes from their donor. But some do. Even in perfect households.
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My kids have rarely asked about their donor. They have had moments of curiosity and even joined 23 and Me to put their genes out there to see what may happen. It confirmed that my two are full siblings and that their half sibling sister is exactly that. My kids found two of their three known half siblings via the Donor Sibling Registry and their newest half sibling found them via an Ancestry DNA match.
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I can't quote surveys but I can say most kids who grow up knowing do better by not having a secret waiting to be discovered and found out shocking their sense of identity. That is a big big deal. Will they have questions? Maybe. Will they have a desire to search? Maybe. Maybe not.
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Will they have you by their side to listen and to validate their questions or concerns? That is up to you. Will they wonder what if? Maybe.
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Will your kids be ok?
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I can't say. There are possible challenges. There are unknowns. Each brings a risk.
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I am not saying any of this to scare anyone. I am saying it because this is the reality you face when choosing donor conception. My kids are good kids. They are my kids no matter what. I am not their biological father. But I am their Dad. We have lived through too much together to question that.
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Are they ok? So far. My job was / is to raise them and protect them and guide them. My responsibility is to be truthful with them, listen to them, respect their questions and decisions, and to put their needs in this area ahead of mine.
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Did I mess up their lives? Only they can answer that. When we ask will they be ok, are we asking to answer our fears or are we asking to propel us to give them the tools and info to ensure they are.
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Choosing donor conception is a choice that requires an acknowledgment of responsibility to not hide from the issues our children may face and the responsibility that we made that decision.
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Make what you will of my words.
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#recipientparent #donorconception # donorsperm #donoregg #biologicalparent
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Repost via @inconceivedable with @make_repost
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