Getting Men to Attend Infertility Programs

Years ago when my wife and I were first starting to address our infertility issues we attended several all day seminars and multi-session seminars. As expected the attendance at the requisite insurance and female infertility sessions were packed but the male factor sessions were more sparsely attended (by the men anyways) and tended to be more focused on the highly technical issues instead of the emotional aspects of male factor infertility (MFI) issues.

I recently sent an email to a male counselor that works with the AFA who again confirmed that getting men to seminars is a tough sell but that he is part of an effort to put on a MFI seminar this coming May 6, 2006. Similarly Olivia Montuschi of the UK Donor Conception Network also asked for advice as to how to get men to attend more meetings.

Part of me wants to say the answer is actually simple but I don't think it is. Getting men to talk about their own infertility much less to get them to discuss donor conception appear to be impossible tasks. I think in the end for men to be active in addressing their infertility their desire for a child / family must be greater than their discomfort and the pain of acknowledging the issue.

My question to any men suffering from MFI reading this post is what would you want to see in the way of live programming that would enable you to proactively address these issues? To those wives reading this please ask your spouses this same questions and let me know their answers.

The Yahoo DI Dads groups appears to allow the men that are members the anonymity or remoteness of contact to allow them to participate openly regarding their feelings that perhaps in person some of them could not.

My Thank You to Our Donor

I realized the other day that I have not thanked our unknown donor.

I have read many online thank you’s but all have been from the mom's perspective. They all generally start by saying thank you for the gift of the children and how smart and cute the kids are. Most if not all thank the donor for their gift whether it was wholly based in altruism or only partially so.

While I do want to sincerely thank the donor for each of these thoughts I also want to thank the donor for believing that another man (1) could raise his offspring and genetic heir to the best of his recipient's ability and knowledge,(2) that the recipient father would give enough love to any number of children born with no decrease in quantity shown to each child and (3) allowing me to be a father in the truest sense of the word (beyond the obvious biological definitions).

I cannot say if the donor had any of these thoughts while he was providing his genetic material to the cryobank. I have listened to his taped voice on CD Rom so I do believe he fully understood what he was providing. What he thinks today is unknown. Some donors regret their decisions others still believe in the gifts they provided.

I also want to thank our donor prospectively for hopefully respecting any decisions we make to help our children understand their conception and to help them process this still extraordinary method in which for their lives to have begun. I want to thank the donor for the opportunity given to my wife and I to create a family and to share the love we have felt for these kids even before they were conceived. It will never be our intent to forget him, dismiss or marginalize his contribution or genetic role in our kids's growth or development but at the same time it is our intent to teach these children that being a family is part genetic and part love as demonstrated by our actions. I want to thank the donor for what I hope is his understanding of all these thoughts and wishes.

One additional statement that I believe I need to make is not so much a thank you as a promise. I have been extremely clear on this blog that I realize the use of DC whether it be DI or DE has created for some Donor Conceived Persons an irreparable loss regarding 1/2 of their histories. Our intent was never to bring harm or pain to our kids and as a dad it is my pledge to do everything I can to help my kids if they too find themselves in such pain. I believe I can help them while I recognize the use of DC created the issue and they themselves will ultimately have to come to terms with the issues surrounding their conception.

The ASRM Letter and It's Effects

The NY Times Letter to the Editor that I referred to in an earlier post has started a snowball heading downhill in parts of the DC community. Many individuals including Donor Conceived Persons and parents are grumbling about the letter written and want to respond.

My own views include that references to regulation are self serving as what regulations in their right mind would (1) not standardize testing / screening procedures and (2) allow donor specimens to be sold with the possibility of creating numerous unchecked half siblings, among other issues.

It will be interesting to see how many rebuttal letters end up at the NY Times and how many they will print. Stay Tuned...

My Last Post Was Number 100 and What This Blog Has Become (to me at least)

I started this blog on August 8, 2005. Per BlogTopSites (BTS) through today I have had 5237 hits with 2889 of those being unique hits since I registered the site in mid September (cumulatively measured on a weekly basis). I am unsure if the state of this blog is what I envisioned when I started this. It has turned out to be more than just my thoughts and experiences of the daily goings on of being a DI Dad which begs the question of what I think it has become.

My thoughts on this are three fold. I hope I am first doing what I first hoped for and portraying honestly my thoughts and feelings about being a DI Dad. Secondly I hope I am providing on this blog some sort of resource as to other Donor Conception related sites and news and my reactions to them. Third as a result of my beginning this blog I have become more involved in the DC community which is a result I did not expect. But one I sorely hope I am worthy of.

Two New Australian DC Blogs

Within the last few days I have discovered or been notified that each of the following Australian Donor Conception related blogs have been created:

Diaries of a Hopeful Dad To Be

This first blog is by an Australian who with his wife are DI to conceived their hoped for children. This is one of the very few DI Dad blogs I have found written and one that is reporting from the perspective of a husband going through DI with his spouse. The blogger goes by the name of Dynamodad or DD for short. To date DD has only made two posts so you can follow this blog from its beginning.

DADI- Donor Against Donor Insemination

The second blog was announced to me within the comments to one of my recent posts where the blogger was replying to my post of one hopeful dad's views on donor terminology . The sub-title of this new blog states:

"No, not a contradiction in terms. I am a former sperm donor who is now totally opposed to the practice of donor conception. This is my story...."

What is also unususual for some blogs is that the blogger discloses fully who he is by posting his actual name. As stated in his subtitle he has named his blog while playing on the spelling of the word daddy. The blog currently contains no posts so we will have to see if this former donor is looking to make contact with his biological offspring or not and his expanded views on this topic.

Revised Call for Donor Conception Blogs

In my post of two days ago calling for web addresses for all donor conception related blogs I forgot to ask if you can categorize your submissions by type. Suggested categories are below. If you think there shoud be additional catagories or if any I have suggested need to be altered please let me know. Blogs which otherwise are termed TTC (trying to conceived) I am suggested we categorize based on the bloggers overall category. These categories are just off the top of my head.

Suggested Catagories (alphabetically)

DI Dads
DI Moms
Donor Conceived Persons
Donor Egg
Donors For / Against DC
Married Hetero
Married / Partnered LGBT
Single Dads
Single Moms

NY Times Op-Ed Column Submitted & ASRM Letter to the Editor

I just submitted my Op-Ed column to the NY Times via e-mail. If I hear nothing from them within one week it means they are not using the column and I can publish it here. Should be interesting to see what happens. The column was again written as a result of Amy Harmon's January 20th article re Sperm Donors and the Cryobank industry.

It is possible my column will be seen as timely as today in the Letters to the Editor Section was a letter also in response to Ms. Harmon's article by Joseph S. Sanfilippo, M.D.President of American Society for Reproductive Medicine where he made two points that the (1) the medical specialty's position is not one advicating for anonymous donors (2) the industry is already regulated at the federal and state levels and by the industry itself, and (3) "There is no clear scientific evidence to tell us that being a known donor, or an anonymous one, is best for every donor, patient and child."

Did I Suffer a Heart Attack?

The simple answer is No. But was it a wake up call to get in better health? Yes.

Wednesday afternoon, January 25th, at work after walking up several flights of stairs fr the third time that day, which I generally do not do, I started exhibiting many of the classic symptons of a heart attack. While I felt some pain in my chest it was the confluence of feeling dizzy, naseous, and having a throbbing pain in my left arm which did radiate down to my hand that sent me to the emergency room.

Over the next 24 hours I went from the ER to a cardiac unit to having undergone a stress test complete with a nuclear isotope being injected into my system so they could take pictures after the my run on the tread mill and once my heart was at rest. At 41, the target heart rate I was to shoot for on the tread mill was 152. I exceeded that and got my rate up to 190 for the last two minutes which were hell. Nothing in my blood work indicated my heart had suffered an angina or scarring so they are unclear as to what happened other than my overexerting myself.

I do no exercise whatsoever other than playing with my kids. My weight of 145 is reasonable for my height 5'6". I don't have high blood pressure but my cholesterol is just over the desired range. In short to look at me I am not a candidate but to know how I eat, my family history, and that I don't exercise I am a prime candidate to leaving my kids fatherless and my wife a widow.

My warning is simply this, re-examine what you do, check yourself out (without my radical method of scheduling a stress test) otherwise these kids we all have and want will not have you there for them. If not for you do it for them.

Searching for Donor Conception Blogs or Websites

Do you know of a website or blog maintained by an individual or couple (any permutation) attempting to use DC to start a family? Or perhaps a family already started where a child or an adult is a donor conceived individual? I know but a few and they are linked in the sidebar on this blog's index page. I am also interested in finding as many bulletin boards that have existing discussion threads that deal with donor concepton be it donor sperm or donor egg.

I ask this as I see many many infertility blog rolls but finding the DC related ones is tougher to see and I feel a central list should be started to allow for one more avenue of contact within this community.

Please contact me via this blog post which will have its own permanent link shortly on the sidebar.

Thanks.

Draft Op-Ed Column & Lack of Discussion re NYT Article

I am currently writing an op-ed column I plan on submitting to the New York Times. I was spurred on by the article published this past Friday on DI and the cryobanks. It is draft and I have asked a couple of individuals to look at it. I can't post it here first as the Times will not print previously published articles.

While I was overall pleased with Amy Harmon's article I and others have been very disppointed with the lack of responses or commentary in the DC community, be it on the Yahoo discussion groups or on other infertility boards. I also realized that after a week the free access to that article will cease so I need to post the text where folks can access it later. If anyone saw commentary regarding the article outside the yahoo discussion groups please let me know.

Donor Terminology: One Man's Definitions

Many of the topics discussed on the DI Dads yahoo group repeat when new members join and existing members give advice or reply to "new" questions. A few days ago one new member ( a hopeful dad-to-be) gave his definitions and comments in response to another member's thoughts on using the term "biological father" as opposed to "donor".

In order to respect the privacy of the members of the DI Dads group I generally don't quote comments made there but I thought it worthwhile to share in this instance (with the new member's permission) as they represent many (not all but many) DI Dad's views and my own.

"To me a donor is someone who is willing to give something which is only a part of themselves whether it be money, an organ, time or sperm. But a (good) father is someone who devotes himself entirely to raise a child, takes the good with the bad, gives guidance etc..

Personally I do not like the term "biological" if somebody mentioned that word the first thing that would come to my mind would be "warfare"...it almost sounds like a disease ;)

I agree with you the word "Donor" would seem more appropriate at least until kids come to an age of being able to understand more. Plus when you look around you, I think that getting someone pregnant is truly the easy part, the hard part comes with dealing with the pregnancy and the child once it is born and beyond. There are plenty of so called"fathers" out there that are no more than just donors in reality when you look at how little they share with their kids."

If my posting of these comments offends any of the DI Dads I apologize and I will refrain from doing so in the future and limit myself here to my own responses to general discussions.

DI Mom vs. NECC continues...

The subtitle on this DI Mom's website / blog reads "Why sperm banks need more morals than second hand car salesmen". The buzz is beginning to pick up regarding this blog and its battle to warn or expose NECC for false advertising at least in regards to the donor sperm she bought from NECC.

Readers posting their comments over at Yahoo's DSR_Discussion group are wondering what set off this expose and where is it going. A couple of readers are supporting DI Mom's right to this battle others believe she is disgruntled but without a reason why they are unsure as to the veracity of her statements. Again I am captivated to see what she writes next. He last post on Jan. 23rd indicates that she will soon divulge info regarding the progeny of her donor which should offer more than a clue as to what occurred to warrant her risking protracted legal troubles regarding more than just her using NECC's name as her web domain.

Where I have seen other donor recipients take notice with the actions of their cryobanks I have not seen any other action like this one where the blogger is simultaneously issuing notices to the public regarding what she sees as un-business like and unethical practices directly challenging the cryobank in question. I wonder how much more attention would have resulted if Amy Harmon, of the NY Times, knew of this blog before her January 20th donor conception was published.

One DI Mom's Battle with her Cryobank

The title of the blog is "NECC and Sperm Bank Accountability". The domain name the blogger has taken is the fully written out name of the New England Cryogenic Center which if used by a potential customer of NECC would lead the viewer to the website in question. The title to this post links you directly to this DI Mom's blog.

Without commenting on the content of the blog I will post the opening statements posted on January 16, 2006, letting the blogger's own words describe the site she has created:

This site is dedicated to one woman’s experience of using the New England Cryogenic Center’s Sperm Bank. Who is the woman? Well, at the time she was a single, professional, hard-working, optimistic, honest and decent person. She’d reached her mid-thirties childless and had made the agonizingly difficult decision to become a single mother via donor. That woman is me, and the reason I established this site is because I believe that choosing a donor through the NECC Sperm Bank was unarguably the very worst decision I made in my life! My huge regret over using the NECC has led me to set up this website to warn other women who are considering using the NECC.

As this blog is only a week old the buzz about it is only beginning to reach the DC related discussion groups and so far the few posts suggest awe as to what this mom has undertaken. She is apparently not looking to defame NECC but rather to warn other families of her experience and to not use NECC. It will be an interesting blog to watch and see what happens. Any family created using NECC or donor who worked with NECC should undoubtedly want to read this blog.

Pending Donor Conception Related Nationwide Press Coverage

In addition to the NYTimes article of this past Friday, January 20th, there are currently two other pending press pieces in the works regarding donor conception issues:

1) An upcoming USNews and World Report article on the cryobank industry is expected (it was thought to be in either the 1/16 or 1/23 issues but so far no trace).

2) In February the long running and venerated CBS news magazine "60 Minutes" will be running a segment that will refer to the Donor Sibling Registry and related topics.

3 & 4) Additionally look for the DSR in the March Issue of Teen Vogue as well as the June/July issue of Child magazine.

A Dad's Worries About a Sick Child

My son has been sick for two days with a fever and ear ache. I do not look at him as someone else's son as it is me that is holding him and comforting him and trying to convince him to drink more fluids.

This cold will pass as will many others but when I read about diseases that pass from donors to other donor conceived children that could have been prevented by increased screening techniques I worry about what could be out genetically waiting for my kids that I can do nothing about. I can only wait and pray that the donor was truthful in his bio and that the cryobank did all they could to ensure all possible diseases markers were screened out before offering this donor onto the market.

Are You My Sperm Donor? Few Clinics Will Say

Today's New York Times On Line (Fri., Jan. 20, 2005) features on page one (at least at midnight it did ) a new article by Amy Harmon with the above hyper-linked title. The article focuses on the cryobanks and donor anonymity issues and features interviews with recipients (a genetic mom and social dad), donors, donor conceived adults, scholars, social workers and industry representatives. The article also addresses all the related topics discussing screening issues, donor-recipient contact, donor-donor conceived contact, industry fears of decreasing available donors as well as sperm bank regulation among others. Considering the breadth of possible focuses and issues she, Ms. Harmon, managed well to hit most if not all the issues surrounding DC that start from the cryobanks on outward.

This article is the third of Ms. Harmon's in effect now series of articles addressing the issues surrounding donor conception. The first, published Oct. 13, 2005, was titled "First Comes the Baby Carriage" which focused on SMCs and same sex couples looking to have children. The second on Nov. 20, 2005 was titled "Hello I'm Your Sister Our Father is Donor #150" and focused on DC persons looking to make mutually agreed contact with half-siblings or their donors with an emphasis on the Donor Sibling Registry.

DI Dads Yahoo Discussion Group

I am a member of the Yahoo DI Dads discussion group. In its short existence to date I believe it has become a valuable resource to men considering DI as part of their family planning or for men who have already begun using DI or those who are dads via DI like myself. As a matter of disclosure I will admit I am one of the two moderators of the group. I am finding that the men who have joined to date really are interested in not only getting answers to their own concerns and using the group as a platform to vent but are generally interested in helping their fellow group members with their issues as well.

The group was set up as a membership required group to allow the members a format and location where they can go and be assured that only men like themselves are in attendance and able to respond from common experiences.

If any man is interested in joining this dialogue please link to the discussion group via the title of this blog post or from the link provided in the side bar.

Virginia’s Attempt to Limit DC to Married Heterosexuals

The post title links to a Jan. 13, 2006 post (on a blog named the “Gay Opinion Blog”) regarding specific Virginia legislator's blatant attempt to limit via legislation the SMC, gay and lesbian communities’ access to DC and ART procedures. Once again the conservative right is trying to define who and what makes up a family. I can’t imagine the disgust this parent must feel knowing that if this bill was already law they would not have the children they have just because some legislator wanted to discriminate against the gay and lesbian community. At least DC Persons who are against DC are straight forward that all DC should be stopped. This topic has been discussed heavily in the past two weeks or so on the Yahoo DSR_Discussion group.

Views of DC from Outside the Community Regarding the Well-Being of Donor-Conceived Children

The title of this post links to a December 2005 post titled “Donor-Conceived Children and Well-Being of Children”. The post itself is posted on a blog titled “Alas”. The post references separate posts made on the Family Scholars Blog and one writer’s focus on the negative effects of DC. Reference is made to various studies of DC children of single mothers. What makes checking out the post worth while are the currently 72 comments posted and the cross discussion posted by the readers. Granted the individuals posting comments go off topic quite often and I found many of the comments posted to be quite conservative but some give DC a fair shake as not being perhaps the sole reasons behind negative issues various DC Persons might have. It’s worth checking out just to learn more what some of those think-tank type folks outside the DC community believe.

Whose Kid Is This & Can I Give Him Back?

Sometimes when your kid is being somewhat bad you wonder whether the donor was like this when he was a kid. I've read books where for some dads like me this feeling at times can become so strong that you want to say let the donor deal with this kid. I am not at that point today, other days perhaps, but you wonder what fun the donor put his own parents through.

What prompted this was my son deliberately ripping a page in a new book I just gave him and that I just read to him out of. He has done this before. It was titled "Curious George and Friends" (ISBN: 0618226109) which we had borrowed from the school library and read so often that we bought a new copy off of Ebay. What probably happened was his wanting attention and being upset that I stopped reading and had gotten up to shower and shave to start the day. Still I took the book away and let him know how disappointed I was by this behavior. My response was unfortunately a bit more dramatic as for me this is a big deal as books are very important in our home (and as I said above he has done this before).

Anyhow I don't want to make this child the donor's problem (at least not today - and I do love him dearly) but you wonder what he, the donor, was like as a child and how much is nature vs nuture. In the words of the great philosopher Charles Brown: "Aauughh !!!". Just another fun morning as a DC parent.