Request - Retweet NYS Senate Bill 7602

I have a request.  Please retweet the below linked tweet from my @life_di_dad Twitter account to show NYS that SB 7602 The Donor Conceived Person Protection had support.  It's the pinned tweet at the top. Can I get 100 retweets this weekend !   

https://twitter.com/life_di_dad/status/1484553887839363086?s=21

NYS Residents please contact your State Senator asking them to support and cosponsor the bill !  

https://www.nysenate.gov/legislation/bills/2021/s7602

https://www.nysenate.gov/find-my-senator

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DNA Matching Season

It's DNA Matching season.

It's that time of year after holiday gifts of DNA kits are given that for a number of persons life is turned upside down. New discoveries are brought by emails which lead to questions and sometimes long buried secrets revealed. Take care.

I don't have the words to describe what made your parents hide such a truth. They may have been counseled by others to hide the truth for various reasons. I am not condoning or agreeing with their decision.

I counsel openness and truth as early as possible. Donor conception is a hard decision for many to choose. People don't often understand all of the ramifications of the choice they make and how it will impact their children. The donor conceived individuals created.

Be gentle to yourself, and even your parents, while also giving yourself the right to ask, to feel confused and betrayed. There usually was no intent to hurt you. Be honest and allow yourself to feel what needs to be felt. This will hurt.

#donorconceived #donorconception #dnamatches

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My Letters re NYS Bill 7602 - Donor Conceived Person Protection Act



Good morning,

I am sending this email to many of my friends that are NYS residents and asking a favor.   Most of you are aware that my children are donor conceived.  I have copied you on two Emails below I sent this morning to my State Senator.  Please read them.  

For the first time a bill has been introduced into the NYS Senate that would subject the infertility industry to regulations with respect to the use of donor gametes and donor conception methods of family building.  I support this bill.  I don't expect every section of it to survive the legislative process but getting it before the right committees and moving forward is a great first step.  A step that will only happen if there is support for discussion to continue.

A link to the bill itself is within the below emails.    

I would ask that you contact your State Senator and voice your support for this bill.  I am copying at the bottom a phone call script that can be used on a phone call or towards an email. If you don't know who your Senator is here is a link.  

https://www.nysenate.gov/find-my-senator

Any help is appreciated.  Thank you. 

Eric

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Begin forwarded message:

From: Eric Schwartzman
Date: December 29, 2021 at 11:03:44 AM EST
To: gianaris@nysenate.gov
Cc:
Subject: Fwd: Bill 7602 - Donor Conceived Person Protection Act

Dear Senator Gianaris,

This is Steven who I referred to in my email below.  My email mistakenly did not upload the photo to my email.  

[picture omitted from blog post]

It is children like Steven that would be protected under this bill and I again urge you to support the bill and perhaps even sign on as a co-sponsor with Senator Gallivan.  In your role as Deputy Majority Leader it would go a long way in encouraging the Democratic caucus to listen and possibly add their support to the bill. 

There are many Stevens out there who without the protection of progressive legislation like this that will be born with genetic time bombs that they and their birth families will not know about and be able to treat early to prevent serious medical conditions from developing or fatalities such as experienced by Steven Gunner.  

Thank you again for your consideration. 

Yours truly,

Eric Schwartzman

Astoria constituent. 

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Begin forwarded message:

From: Eric Schwartzman 
Date: December 29, 2021 at 10:49:05 AM EST
To: gianaris@nysenate.gov
Cc:
Subject: Bill 7602 - Donor Conceived Person Protection Act

gianaris@nysenate.gov

 

https://www.nysenate.gov/legislation/bills/2021/s7602?fbclid=IwAR0dRjPbcO1eV_NXqM3A9SGzj6KY9vLFn3zH6D9VPUJq-oeA9qn2dlqKOMI

 

 

Dear Senator Gianaris –

 

My name is Eric Schwartzman and I am an Astoria resident in your district.  I live at ______ here in Astoria, NY.    I am also the parent to two children conceived via donor conception.

 

I am writing to urge you to support Senate Bill 7602, the Donor Conceived Person Protection Act.   This is a topic that has been crying out for regulation and structure to protect the individuals to be conceived and created using assisted reproductive technologies such as donor conception.

 

Here is the short version of the bill's narrative:

 

"The "donor-conceived person protection act" ensures that reproductive tissue banks, licensed by the department of health, collect and verify medical, educational and criminal felony history information from any donor it procures reproductive tissue from and to disseminate such information to a recipient before a recipient purchases or otherwise receives such tissue, and to donor-conceived persons, if any, when such persons turn eighteen years of age or earlier upon consent of the recipient parent or guardian; defines terms; makes related provisions."

For the past 15 years I have been informally counseling men and couples considering using the donor insemination to create their families as well as men who have created families with their spouses and partners using DI.   The greatest fear these families have had has been that the donor sperm they have procured has an incomplete medical history and/or that the  testing asserted as truthful, and up to date, is just the opposite and that the sperm purchased has a medical issue hidden or omitted from the history presented to the purchasing recipient parents that will impair the health and life of the child to be created.  This bill would ensure not only that the parents be fully aware but that the donor conceived person will eventually receive a full medical history of their genetic parent just as any naturally conceived child would have from their birth family.

 

I came to know the story of the couple Laura and David Gunner, who I believe have written your office, and who worked with your colleague State Senator Gallivan to create this bill.  Their story and the loss of their child Steven is a sobering one.  Their son Steven, was conceived via a donor, Donor 1538, that had self-reported his medical history omitting that he suffered from schizophrenia and that his first significant psychiatric hospitalization occurred prior to the10th grade.  The donor's life was marked by institutions, incarceration and homelessness. The Gunner's watched their child decompensate, struggle, suffer and sadly die. No amount of nurture, love, support or resources prevented it.  Steven and his Donor, lived and died exactly the same. Both had almost identical presentations of symptoms and progression of Schizophrenia.  I am attaching below a picture of Steven Gunner to put a face to this story. 

 

The regulation envisioned by Bill 7602 would prevent donor sperm from donors like Donor 1558 from being available to New York State recipient parents as laws and regulations such as this would force the cryobanks and sperm banks to screen out such individuals.  Where such histories would exist the banks would be held accountable.    The cryobank that the Gunners worked with claim that they have no liability and they were not required to validate the information presented by Donor 1558.

 

I ask you this sir,  what business exists where you are allowed to market something that can be completely untrue and blame it on the government because no law held them to a higher standard? 

The cryobank used by the Gunners will never be held responsible. Worse, all banks are continuing to self regulate. I challenge you to find another business in America that can operate like this. As far as I know, the only business that operates with no oversight or regulation of their "product" is the business who supplies genetic material to create humans.

I urge you Senator to support Bill 7602 and I am available to meet inperson or via zoom or phone call to discuss this bill, these issues, and the business of donor conception as a whole that exists in this nation.  As I stated I have working with families and men on these issues for 15 plus years and have my own experiences as the parent of two donor conceived individuals so I am intimately aware of the fears parents face.  

 

I can be contacted at this email address, or via my cell phone at __________.  I live ten minutes from your Astoria office and would be available to meet with you or a member of your staff to discuss this bill either at your office or perhaps grab a coffee outside as I believe this is that important.  

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and your family.  

 

Thank you,

Eric Schwartzman

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NYS Legislation: The Donor Conceived Person Protection Act

A legislative bill titled The Donor Conceived Person Protection Act has been submitted for consideration to the NYS Senate by State Senator Patrick Gallivan of the 59th Senate District.

This legislation resulted from one family's story where a donor self reported their medical history omitting important details. Consequently both donor and a child conceived via this donor each died due to the medical condition omitted. The cryobank never verified or validated the medical profile and has stated it was not required to.

It is an impressive and progressive piece of proposed legislation that I have signed on to support. I learned of it via a post on Facebook and quickly made some inquiries. The link to the full text will be in this post.

Personal opinion and request:

I ask that NYS residents contact their State Senator and Assembly Member to voice your support for the bill. A proposed script is provided in the images here. If you find sections of the bill you have strong feelings about voice them of course. This is a start to protect children and to put some regulation around an industry left to police itself.

As I get more into the details I will be able to discuss more. "

Thinking About Being Non Genetically Connected

The question I saw asked is whether you think about being the non genetic parent and does it get easier. This is not a post promoting donor conception nor is it a post to argue for donor conception as a practice to be stopped.

It's a post to assure those individuals who are parents to donor conceived individuals to be 100% present in that role. You are there now. Loving your kid, whether they are a child or an adult, is not enough. You must guide them, listen to them, validate their feelings and actions. You must be present. To feel you are a true parent is to act as one.

It's different for everyone. I may not be their biological father but they are 100% my children. I don't think of our relationship as being anything other than a full and complete relationship. I have been there from diapers to paying for college. All the ups and downs, fights and hugs. Shared all the milestones. Been there to be told you are not my real dad in a fit of rage and anger. And be called from the emergency room to come and take them home. The definition of being a parent is that it's not easy. You don't sign up for just the bragging moments. You sign up to be 100% in and there as their parent. Did I think about not being "real"? Years ago maybe. I started my blog to document the evolution of this life. Link through and start back in 2005. You will see how it evolves.

So when I saw this meme/question today I wanted to answer it directly. There is no real or fake when you are a parent. If you bring the doubt into the relationship it will always be there. Yes the genetics are a different issue. Those are other discussions. If you are a parent make sure you do the work.

The Great Sperm Heist

Great article about donor conception and the sperm heist. The twist here I had not seen in earlier exposes that the sperm of healthy patients being stolen like this. I thought I had seen it all in these stories. Apparently not. 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/sep/25/the-great-sperm-heist-they-were-playing-with-peoples-lives


#DonorConceived #DonorSperm #FertilityFraud #AncestryDNA #DNATesting #FamilySecrets #DNADetectives 

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The Great Sperm Heist

Great article about donor conception and the sperm heist. The twist here I had not seen in earlier exposes that the sperm of healthy patients being stolen like this. I thought I had seen it all in these stories. Apparently not.


#DonorConceived #DonorSperm #FertilityFraud #AncestryDNA #DNATesting #FamilySecrets #DNADetectives

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2006 Video re This DI Dad’s Fears

Fears in 2006. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7pC_59Uw4D4

Back in 2006 when my #donorconceived children were still small, four and under, I contributed this video to a fledgling #internationalinfertilityfilmfestival  organized by Melissa Ford aka #StirrupQueens repping the #donorconception side of TTC and #RecipientParents, although that phrase was not yet in vogue.  I did not know what to submit.  I think this was my second entry.  I simply read a chapter I had written and contributed to the #VoicesofDonorCobception book edited by #MikkiMorrisette jointly with the #DonorSiblingRegistry.  I had only been publicly  in this world for a year or so.  And as my kids were young my fears still present in my day to day life raising them as 1/2 of a married couple.

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Will My Kids Be OK ?

The truth is no one can give you an answer to that question or any question that definitively can predict the future. The only fact that is definite, is one parents don't want to hear and that is to not choose donor conception. It's sounds horrible to be that blunt, but it's the only option you know with 100% certainty the outcome.
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Putting that aside our job as parents is to protect our children and to prepare them for what they need to face in life. If we choose donor conception as a family building method there are responsibilities we have, in my opinion, that all start with being truthful.
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Part of that truth is that a choice was made that was beyond the donor conceived child's control. Again I am not saying anything new here.
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As individuals we make choices and family building is one of them. We make choices based on many factors. Infertility. Economics. Faith. Family. We make these choices for ourselves everyday.
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Where families are grown without the need for medical intervention those choices are generally accepted as personal and kids are stuck with the choices parents make. No one chooses who their parents are. That happens here too but in the former scenario the children are connected to their parents biologically.
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Let's get back to the question. Will my kids be ok?
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The answer has many layers. A lot of it comes down to actions, luck of the draw, and planning. We all want to say that love and desire alone will ensure the child will be ok. But even in families that have absolutely perfect loving parents that are open and transparent and listen fully, that an individual born via donor conception may have questions or desires for something "missing".
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Some individuals never feel anything is missing from their life. They don't have any desire to find that absent biological connection. Dare I say that blood parent. They don't need to know a medical or ethnic history that comes from their donor. But some do. Even in perfect households.
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My kids have rarely asked about their donor. They have had moments of curiosity and even joined 23 and Me to put their genes out there to see what may happen. It confirmed that my two are full siblings and that their half sibling sister is exactly that. My kids found two of their three known half siblings via the Donor Sibling Registry and their newest half sibling found them via an Ancestry DNA match.
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I can't quote surveys but I can say most kids who grow up knowing do better by not having a secret waiting to be discovered and found out shocking their sense of identity. That is a big big deal. Will they have questions? Maybe. Will they have a desire to search? Maybe. Maybe not.
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Will they have you by their side to listen and to validate their questions or concerns? That is up to you. Will they wonder what if? Maybe.
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Will your kids be ok?
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I can't say. There are possible challenges. There are unknowns. Each brings a risk.
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I am not saying any of this to scare anyone. I am saying it because this is the reality you face when choosing donor conception. My kids are good kids. They are my kids no matter what. I am not their biological father. But I am their Dad. We have lived through too much together to question that.
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Are they ok? So far. My job was / is to raise them and protect them and guide them. My responsibility is to be truthful with them, listen to them, respect their questions and decisions, and to put their needs in this area ahead of mine.
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Did I mess up their lives? Only they can answer that. When we ask will they be ok, are we asking to answer our fears or are we asking to propel us to give them the tools and info to ensure they are.
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Choosing donor conception is a choice that requires an acknowledgment of responsibility to not hide from the issues our children may face and the responsibility that we made that decision.
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Make what you will of my words.
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#recipientparent #donorconception # donorsperm #donoregg #biologicalparent
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Repost via @inconceivedable with @make_repost


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Sides of the Circle. Understanding Donor Conception.

I am still here. I am just mostly over there. On Instagram.

My focus is still on my children. Working to be a good Dad. To recognize it's not about me. That realization came long ago. Trying to help others with questions they may have. I can't say I am pro DC or that I am anti DC. I understand the feelings on all sides of this circle. It is sides of a circle as for so many it still is a raw reaction that makes people want to see things as black and white. It either is a bad thing or it's a wonderful thing. In truth it's a thing that has many sides of a circle in that we need to recognize each other's feelings and you can't really expect someone to make a 90 degree turn and get it. It takes time and gradual course corrections and points of understanding. The slow curve of a circle.

I am today as I found myself in 2005 working from the middle. I got knocked here quickly at that Toronto Conference hosted by Diane Allen where I met so many wonderful people. Diane of course. Wendy and Ryan Kramer. Olivia Montuschi. And several others including Jo and Rebecca that allowed me to see differing experiences. Jarringly so for a youngish dad of 41.

So today I am here in the middle or rather continuing around the sides of this circle. Still learning. Still listening. Trying to help or explain nuances where I can.

Follow me on Instagram

I have not abandoned this blog. Really.  But it does seem that Instagram has become the faster avenue for me to post images, links, comments etc. 

Long form commentary I will still post here. These are my roots. Since 2005. 

Below are images of the posts I have uploaded / published to Instagram since Mid June alone.

Please join me on Instagram at Instagram.com/life_di_dad/

You Are Not My Real Dad

You are not my real dad. I feared hearing those words.  I knew one day they would be said. It did not make the fear any easier or the pain of hearing them being said.  But I also knew because I am a good dad the hurt would pass.  

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There are so many fears that dads like me have.  None are as cutting as this statement. Many involve rejection but this statement is one all dads, or any non genetic parent, will face someday.  Even if not said aloud it's bound to happen. Most bio parents get it in the form of a wish statement in anger. For us it can said in anger, it can be said off hand. It hurts either way. On one hand it hurts due to its plain truth.  Most kids know it's not true and that dad is dad and after whatever fight it's said within they will apologize buts it's been said.

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Once it's said it's been said. That initial pain will pass. It's possible you will hear it again in anger at another point but hopefully it may not have the same piercing pain it held that first time. 

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It will always be a phrase held in a donor conceived individual's back pocket.  Simply because.  But because I am a real dad, despite not being their bio father, I realize that if they need to say it they are doing so in exasperation, a need to be in control.  

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To move past it the heat of the moment the best response is to validate the statement's blade even if you disagree with the statement's purpose.  Let your child, your teen, the adult standing before you have a moment. Let them know you are there for them.  The sting you feel may still be hurting but I can bet it's hurting more for them by saying it.  

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There are moments in our lives as recipient parents we must prepare for. For ourselves. For them.  This statement is one of them. 

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[Note - my daughter actually said this to me somewhere around two years ago. I am not sure if exactly when. There is a post on it in this blog when it happened.]

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https://www.instagram.com/p/CDL387thofV/?igshid=1bm6ug86oo5xs

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#parenting #donorconceived #donorconception #donorinsemination #malefactorinfertility #adoption #youarenotmyrealdad 

#youarenotmyrealmom

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My Take on Telling

When we were kids the word “telling” usually involved tattling and getting someone in trouble. Maybe that is when we all started associating telling with a secret or ratting someone out and disclosing something that should be left unsaid.

Telling in the donor conception world is no less fraught with fear, apprehension, relief and honesty depending on who is doing the telling, who is hearing the telling and of course what is being told.

My own views of telling after all these years is that it represents openness and truth and information that does not belong to me. The question that comes next for me today is that as a dad to two donor conceived children, now teenagers, who am I allowed as their guardian to tell and if so when.

But let’s take a step back. To when this journey began for my family and how my views on telling came to be.

Like many young couples experiencing infertility, especially male factor issues, there is a historical societal push to brush it under the rug for fears of emasculating the husband of his stature etc with the knowledge that no one needs to know and it’s for the benefit of the child and the family that no one know that perhaps donor sperm was used to conceive and create the family.

First off I have never liked sweeping things under rugs or hiding things. Second, I hate the concept of stigmas. When I was a kid I knew a couple of kids that were adopted and they were normal kids but somehow the issue of their adoption was a thing. Back then I did not understand why but I also knew that something was a thing.

Telling for me is the overall understanding that children created via donor conception methods have a full right to know their story and that they be given the opportunity to claim their story and narrative. That as parents we support their wishes and their questions.

Kids

We decided early on that our children would know their conception story. Pretty much from birth each child would be told that a donor helped create them. At age two, or thereabouts, we started reading donor conception themed books to my son and as his sister came along soon after she heard the same stories from day one. He had accompanied us to visits to the hospital infertility clinic and knew mommy and daddy were trying to have a brother or sister for him. We did get some evil stares from people bringing a child along sometimes but we had no one to watch him and he being the generally well behaved kid he was at that young age usually won over the room. This without wearing a t-shirt that said don’t hate me I am an IUI baby.

Parents, Siblings, and Extended Family
Parents knew early on that our plan was to try to use my stuff via a testicular biopsy in conjunction with IVF. I don’t recall now if we told them during our attempts that we had chosen a donor as a backup. When my Ex was pregnant with our son both sets of parents certainly knew that a donor had been used. My sister knew but my wife’s brother may not have, at the beginning, as he was somewhat religious in his faith and we were unsure as to his reaction. Eventually he was told.

I felt it was important that the immediate family that the kids would interact with the most know the truth so any side comments etc would not be treated as secrets etc to be hidden and whispered about. As half siblings were found and we started spending family vacation visiting these siblings it made it easier for family to know who we were off seeing and who these folks were coming to NYC especially as my kids refer to their half siblings as their sister and now brothers.

Extended family including aunts, uncles, and cousins we never directly told. I can’t account for whether my parents or her parents told anyone, or whether our siblings told anyone else in the family. They may have but we never specifically told anyone not to tell. We do believe it is our children’s story and if they want to tell people it is their decision to do so.

Doctors, Teachers, and Indian Chiefs

Pediatricians were told and highlights from the donor’s medical profile shared as we filled out the normal paperwork all doctors generate as we have taken the kids from doctor to doctor. Teachers found out on their own as they assigned family based projects and our kids explained that they have half-siblings that live in different homes or when they used medically accurate terms to describe generally what gametes are needed to create a baby. Those were some amusing phone calls after other parents learned from their kids how babies were made. Oops sorry.

You must also understand that we live in NYC; the family configurations you run into on the playgrounds and classrooms vary in every shape, color, and size. My kids from K to 5 had friends who were from mommy and daddy homes, single mommy homes, and two mommy homes. These kids all learned to accept it as normal the different types of families that exist.

Friends and Colleagues

The decision who to tell here was always on a case by case basis. Those they needed to know why we were late to work needed to know. When I had my biopsies I told a few close colleagues that knew what we were dealing with emotionally and so the questions why I was walking with a cane each time would not be a distraction. And as anyone knows, infertility and IVF are tough emotionally. A number of close friends knew. Others learned from press that I did as I became the poster boy for men dealing with MFI who then chose DI / IUI to create our family. One childhood friend’s mom learned by reading of it in the USA Today article she found outside her hotel room. My blog extended the circle as to who knew. The USA Today article lead to members of our Temple to know that had not known.

Clergy

Our local Rabbi was told as my Ex was going through a conversion to Judaism and we wanted to ensure the children would be considered Jewish or what steps would be needed to consecrate each child as Jewish. In the end my son is currently irreligious and did not become a bar mitzvah, his choice, so that reasoning went out the window. He did have a brith milah and she a baby naming. My daughter also dropped out of Hebrew school before becoming a Bat Mitzvah. I regret these decisions but they were theirs and at the times we were dealing with other issues that took center stage.

I grew up in a mostly secular home but the Shul / Temple was the center of social and cultural life in the town we initially grew up in so it was important for me that the donor be Jewish and that we started the kids out with a Jewish upbringing, My daughter does say Shabbat prayers with me each week on candle sticks that have been in my family and generally continuously lit each week for close to 125 plus years.

Summary

Telling involves several factors. Being honest with your child. Being honest with yourself. Deciding who should be told and who does not need to know. When do you bring it up and when do you stop telling reserving those decisions for your child to make giving them the power to decide who knows their story.

The physical act of telling may stop but the knowledge becomes inherent in the base of everything life touches. Not generally present but a pillar in the life that builds upon it. The donor conceived’s life as well as the parents. It’s either a joint foundation when the child is told or separate pillars each not as strong individually when secrets are kept.

I have counseled families and individuals to at a minimum tell their child as early as possible. Beyond that no one else truly needs to know. But in creating an atmosphere where it is not a secret, the child and individual they grow into, in theory, will process at least who they are with a stronger sense of self. Telling allows a freedom for everyone to be honest. There will certainly be more questions, and identity junctures along their path, but telling starts their story with all that is known on the table.

You Were So Wanted

This morning I reposted on Instagram a children's book recommendation regarding a book that addresses how babies are made for preschoolers but which specifically avoids the typical "you were so wanted" language that exists in many books geared forwards donor conceived children.

I wanted to discuss and ask why this language is triggering for many when it is employed in this manner.

I get the concept as we have discussed often that telling a donor conceived person that they should be happy to just be alive is not a valid or helpful argument to ever make because it is not the issue. The issue is the manner of their creation and how that this constructed creation cuts off a donor conceived person from their biological parent, heritage, and needed medical family history.

I expect it's much the same concept here that the "wanted" construct is being used to circumvent any negative reaction to the knowledge that their donor conception did cause those connections to be broken. The feeling being that the "wanted" construct is just the first act to push children, some might argue brainwash them, into being good little commodities and accept their creation story when in fact they were created for the benefit of their recipient parents.

I am writing this with language I have heard and read for years that I personally have felt a bit terse but I fully understand the intense feelings and arguments behind. Remember I am one of those recipient parents but one who has been trying to further the discussion so please forgive me this moment of reaction as I put forth my inquiry.

So I guess my question is have I accurately stated the objections to the "you were so wanted" construct used in kids books? Am I missing something else that recipient parents should understand and be able to address with their kids to fairly balance out the construct. I am sure a few psychologists out here can help with the theory in lay terms we can use to help our kids.

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Difficult Conversations

I Wish Statement # 1 re Donor Conception

I Wish Statement # 2

So I was asked by Miss.Conception Coach to submit another whiteboard "I Wish" statement. This was my first thought. It was not directly infertility related, despite my still being infertile, but it's what came to mind. My kids are teens so far past the TTC stage. Thought this was the more appropriate audience for it.

I try to tell families TTC that the experiences and mindsets of each DCP I meet or speak to vary with each person's life story and life path. For some, as we all know by following various posts here, learning your conception story later in life is sometimes a challenge and leads to more emotional questions. For others it's more theoretical. It runs the gamut of reactions. Even when kids know their story from birth it does not mean as young adults or later in life they won't question the use of DC family building methods, or will or will not want or need to learn more about their donors.

I counsel TTC families that they need to look at the use of donor conception methods from all perspectives and that they need to address the tougher questions and possibilities in order to make informed decisions and to be supportive of their child's rights and feelings.

But again this "I Wish" statement was the whiteboard statement that I posted and submitted upon request. What would be your "I Wish" statement?

If you are open to it I'd like to publish a few on my IG account either anonymously or with simply a first name so others can see the wishes you put forth.

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My Recent Instagram Life_DI_Dad Page

instagram.com/life_di_dad

Thirty Instagram posts since I posted my last Blog entry.  Interesting.  I admit it's fast and easy mostly.  Check out all of these posts live on my Instagram feed at @Life_DI_Dad

I am enjoying the medium and the connection to the donor conception and male factor infertility communities.

An Updated Fathers Day Letter to Our Donor

In 2007, I wrote a letter to my children's sperm donor on Father's Day which I periodically have reposted on subsequent Father's Days.  This year my letter concludes with an update to that letter while keeping its original text. 

2007:

With Father's Day on the horizon my thoughts stray to the man whose gift allowed my children to come into being. This man is not the doctor or mid wife that delivered them. This man is their sperm donor. My children were conceived via Donor Insemination.

Without this man's gift, these children would never have come into being and into my and my wife's life. I am occasionally asked if I resent that this man could do what I could not. I can comfortably say I do not. On the contrary I want to thank him.

When I was diagnosed with non-obstructive azoospermia 12 years ago I was told that I should expect to never have children of my own. The fact that my children are not biologically linked to me has never lessened my love for them nor my belief that they are indeed my children. At the same time I am cognizant that there is another man whose role cannot be nor should be minimized.

To me he is and is not simply their donor. For now to my children he is in effect non-existent as they don't fully understand the concept of donor insemination. They have been told of their conception story and that a donor was used but this is still too much for them to truly comprehend as they are both less than six years old. Someday soon this will change and I wonder how that will play out. For now the knowledge of his existence rests with my wife and me and as I see it I have a responsibility to not let the truth of him fade away.

The lives of my children are as much connected to him as they are to me. I do not pretend to argue nurture is greater than nature but rather together play a role in these children's lives. I have his bios, medical, social, and educational. I have a toddler picture of him and a recording of his voice. All of this info is being saved for them as it is part of who they are.

Every day I see articles addressing infertility and the use of donor conception from the side of the couples going through infertility, women choosing single motherhood, or lesbian or gay couples looking to start families. There are court cases around the country redefining what is family and who has the right to be legally defined as a parent or not. Under New York State law I am considered the legal father to my children. But despite that fact I know that someday my children will wonder about the man that is one half of their genetic make up.

Most heterosexual families of donor conceived children choose to never tell their children of the conception story fearing the child will turn against the social parent or for fear or shame of the perceived stigmas of using another person's sperm or eggs to create their children. In my opinion these parents do so for their own reasons and not for the benefit of the children who have a right to the truth. I recently contributed an essay to a book series titled "Voices of Donor Conception" and have been increasingly involved in the discussions of these topics on the Internet.

The central issues surrounding donor conception, including donor anonymity, regulation and reform, have been or are being addressed in several countries around the world including Great Britain, Australia, New Zealand and Canada among others. The United States has not yet entered that discussion and currently there are no federal laws directly regulating the sale of gametes [i] nor are there any regulations imposed on the administration of the various cryobanks and clinics that solicit gamete donations and sell these gametes to the public. I am in favor of reforming the practices of this industry but I am not here today for that purpose.

I no longer fear the donor's shadow but rather acknowledge his presence and if my children ask that his contribution be honored this or on a future Father's Day I must honor their wishes if I am half the father I believe myself to be to them. So on their behalf I wish him a Happy Father's Day and I say to him thank you for allowing me to do the same.

[i] "Reproduction and Responsibility: The Regulation of New Biotechnologies" The President's Council on Bioethics, Washington, D.C., March 2004, Chapter 

2020:

My children are now 18 and almost 16 years old.  In these intervening years they have come to fully understand the role their donor plays in their creation. One has intermittently sought to take steps to find their donor, with both registered on Ancestry and 23 and Me.  The Ancestry listing has resulted in finding a new half sibling bringing their known sibling group up to a total of five.   I expect it is only a matter of time that technology and such services will result in their finding the donor intentionally or just passively in this manner. 

The children's mother and I divorced several years ago with us each involved now in long term relationships and my soon to be young adults interacting with these new adults in their lives. The donor if found would only add to this list of parental figures. I am confident they would at a minimum show the donor the respect he deserves if he came into their lives. 

I can't say they will buy him a Father's Day card as my two are typical teens in that they don't send me a card without nudging them. I admit I would be jealous if they organically sent him a card.  

The United States is no further along then it was in 2007 with regards to regulation of the donor conception industry. The Internet has brought since a host of groups and individuals that will allow my children to explore their conception story and their feelings about their story in ways I could not imagine when they were born.  

I am forever their dad. The donor will forever be their biological father.  The fears I once had of him faded years ago. I wonder this Father's Day what his thoughts are each year on this day. Does he wonder about the children that he helped bring into this world. Is he fearful of their shadow as I once was of his. Would he welcome them into his life if that is their desire or at least would he answer any questions they may have. 

I continue to endeavor to raise them to be good humans.  They each have their own foibles. They each struggle with normal rites of passage as we all did and do. As they step closer to the edges of adulthood I hope I have helped them understand a bit more of their story. I hope he would be proud of who they are as I am. 

If by some chance you are reading this, I again wish you on their behalf a happy Father's Day and thank you for bringing them into my life. 

Sent from my iPhone

One Part of the Family Story

Julie over at the Instagram account HappyTogetherChildrensBook I believe truly nails the message I have come to believe over all these years.  Donor Conception is only part of each family's story.

At the same time Jana Rupnow through her Instagram account Three Makes Baby has created a new Family Tree Project where the traditional family tree is upended to include epigenetic influences which extend beyond simple bloodlines.  Epigenetic influences include non-physical traits and physical traits of family members you live with and various traits with family members you don't live with as well as other factors that influenced the individual's life including climate, activities, food as well as cities the individual has lived in.

At the core of all this to me is how we live our lives.  Certainly a donor conceived individual's genetic and medical history that come from their biological parents, including their donor, play a big part of an individual's story and that of their family.   There is no denying that in any lexicon. But it's not the whole story.  How we live our lives and the time we devote to differing segments of our life also play major roles in our stories.  Our achievements and tragedies play a role in our development.

My children, my teenagers, may have started their story from the genetic code wrapped up in their DNA, which they got from their biological father, their donor, and their mother, my ex-wife.  But their social development was also impacted by my divorce from their mother.  It is also impacted by the schools they attended and the neighborhoods we live in and the friends they chose.

The drive to find a donor or biological half siblings can consume a donor conceived individual's time and focus.   For some that focus is key to understanding who they are.  But their story includes many facets of who they choose to be as well.  Granted those choices are shaded and colored in by how these choices may be preprogrammed into each of us.   Don't read this to insinuate I am a fatalist.  I am not.

One of the hardest concepts that parents must understand, whether it's a SMBC, a single dad, a pair of hetero parents or a same sex couple, is that donor conception was merely a tool, an avenue, that allows families to be created.  Donor conception sidestepped the anguish, and pain of facing the infertile diagnosis.  As parents it's how we raise our donor conceived children that define our stories.  Our jobs are to focus on their needs.  Helping them to process their story, but also to allow them to live full and robust lives.  Our family stories are not defined solely by the use of donor conception, but as our children grow, it is how our families live our lives that are primary drivers of the family, donor conception is major factor but only one part of our stories.