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Thursday, August 22, 2019
When The Doctor is the Sperm Donor
When you read these stories you are heartbroken for these individuals.
Sunday, August 18, 2019
Their Donor’s Voice
Before we chose our kid's donor we purchased a CD that contained an audio interview he participated in with a cryobank rep. I eventually had the interview transcribed.
I had planned to first let the kids read the transcript and then when I thought them mature enough play the audio. That changed and I offered to play the audio letting them follow the interview along with the printed text.
My son a few months back had listened on my phone to a snippet of the audio available on the cryobank's website. At that time his eyes had lit up in wonder. His sister at that time had been texting with their known half siblings about searching for the donor and when emails came in from 23 and Me regarding new connections she had wanted to know immediately.
So far the only confirmed connection via 23 and Me has been M their half sibling sister.
Anyhow at 17 and 15, I thought this Summer a good time for them to listen to the entire audio interview. About 20 minutes in length.
I brought home two printed copies of the transcript. I had the interview on a small cassette tape I had sent it to the transcription service on so it was easy play without dropping in into the CD player etc.
They each were ready. They listened for five minutes. I think got bored with the questions being asked. Z noted he sounded like a nice guy. Both were done and wanted to resume whatever they were doing. She binging a TV show. He playing video games on line. Very anticlimactic. I think I was let down more as I wanted to see them react. I said ok and our evening continued.
Ok they know I have it. Z kept the written transcript. Maybe she read it later. I have not asked. Again I found this interesting.
My goal is never to force them into anything. But to know I am here if they have questions. And that they can listen to his voice and know it's here if they are interested.
Their Donor’s Voice
Before we chose our kid's donor we purchased a CD that contained an audio interview he participated in with a cryobank rep. I eventually had the interview transcribed.
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
Father’s Day 2019
A Fathers Day Message.
For those men considering using donor sperm who are worried about whether they will bond with their donor conceived children. For those men with fears that their kids will consider them a fraud.
First off I don't look or think of my kids as my donor conceived children. They are simply my kids. Soon enough they will be young adults. But right now they are both teenagers. You think the terrible twos were an issue? Just wait. I am sort of kidding.
Back to fears. Years ago I wrote an essay talking about fears. It was published in a book called Voices of Donor Conception. In 2007, I published on my blog a YouTube reading of that essay. I look crazy tired in the video. My kids were then 5 and 3 and running me ragged. I still worried about a lot of the fears as they were too little to fully understand their conception story. They knew it but did not fully get it.
http://di-dad.blogspot.com/2007/03/my-fears-second-submission-to.html?m=1
With 12 more years of living now under my belt I can very clearly say all of my fears were unfounded. They are now 17 and 15. Yes I may still worry from time to time. But my kids know who dad is. They know they have a donor and he is out there somewhere. They know they have and have met their two known half siblings and yearly spend parts of vacations with one or the other.
I am more settled and so are they. Certainly they have their moments and I know as they get older those moments will turn to deeper introspection as to who they are. Who they come from. And what they may find missing. It won't be easy but I can say they know I will support them and be there for them. That is all I can ask and hope for.
As I have in past blog posts I thank my donor for the gift of these two young people. I no longer fear him. If my kids find him and he is willing I will accept their need to begin a relationship with him if that is their desire. They know I am Dad and I know they believe that. We have gone through too much of day to day life and a divorce and they know how much I love them.
http://di-dad.blogspot.com/2014/06/my-2007-fathers-day-post.html?m=0
Life is not easy. Parenthood is not easy. Everything takes work. Fears disappear and fade when you are an active loving parent. That does not mean there won't be bumps or that your children will brush aside their need to know more. They won't. Many can't. It's unfair to ask them too. Be present. Be supporting. Listen. Pay attention to their needs. It's amazing that as a parent how much of our happiness is tied to theirs. Knowing that give them the best life you can. Sometimes that just means don't let fears prevent you from being dad or a parent.
For those men considering using donor sperm who are worried about whether they will bond with their donor conceived children. For those men with fears that their kids will consider them a fraud.
First off I don't look or think of my kids as my donor conceived children. They are simply my kids. Soon enough they will be young adults. But right now they are both teenagers. You think the terrible twos were an issue? Just wait. I am sort of kidding.
Back to fears. Years ago I wrote an essay talking about fears. It was published in a book called Voices of Donor Conception. In 2007, I published on my blog a YouTube reading of that essay. I look crazy tired in the video. My kids were then 5 and 3 and running me ragged. I still worried about a lot of the fears as they were too little to fully understand their conception story. They knew it but did not fully get it.
http://di-dad.blogspot.com/2007/03/my-fears-second-submission-to.html?m=1
With 12 more years of living now under my belt I can very clearly say all of my fears were unfounded. They are now 17 and 15. Yes I may still worry from time to time. But my kids know who dad is. They know they have a donor and he is out there somewhere. They know they have and have met their two known half siblings and yearly spend parts of vacations with one or the other.
I am more settled and so are they. Certainly they have their moments and I know as they get older those moments will turn to deeper introspection as to who they are. Who they come from. And what they may find missing. It won't be easy but I can say they know I will support them and be there for them. That is all I can ask and hope for.
As I have in past blog posts I thank my donor for the gift of these two young people. I no longer fear him. If my kids find him and he is willing I will accept their need to begin a relationship with him if that is their desire. They know I am Dad and I know they believe that. We have gone through too much of day to day life and a divorce and they know how much I love them.
http://di-dad.blogspot.com/2014/06/my-2007-fathers-day-post.html?m=0
Life is not easy. Parenthood is not easy. Everything takes work. Fears disappear and fade when you are an active loving parent. That does not mean there won't be bumps or that your children will brush aside their need to know more. They won't. Many can't. It's unfair to ask them too. Be present. Be supporting. Listen. Pay attention to their needs. It's amazing that as a parent how much of our happiness is tied to theirs. Knowing that give them the best life you can. Sometimes that just means don't let fears prevent you from being dad or a parent.
Thursday, May 30, 2019
Monday, May 13, 2019
New Bachelorette Contestant Sperm Donor to 114
If this man does not highlight the need for reform and regulation I don't know what does. 114 lives that have to mentally process that their biological father would do this. Truthfully it's the cryobanks that encouraged him and sold his gametes. Negligent on their part. All 114 through one cryobank? Guessing we will know soon enough.
To tout this accomplishment nationally like this is beyond altruism, should be negligent on the part of the cryobank, and probably narcissistic on the part of this young man.
Sunday, May 05, 2019
Then and Now - The Same Pain
On October 22, 2005, in Ontario, Canada, Diane Allen and the Infertility Network, hosted the first donor conception seminar I ever attended. Yesterday, 13 plus years later I heard the same pain from a number of donor conceived individuals.
The issues are the same. Recognition. Rights. Stigma. Ethics of donor conception.
Yesterday, I attended, here in NYC, co-hosted by the Center for Bio-Ethics at NYU and the New York Institute for Philosophy, a seminar titled The Ethics of Donor Conception. I only heard about via Twitter that morning. The first day was a Friday and I walked in at the start of the day two afternoon sessions.
Over the last 14 years the issues are generally the same although the reality and impact are highly polarized partially due to various factors including a now social media centered society where donor conceived individuals can meet and find each other via increasing usage of genetic DNA sites as well as websites and apps connecting individuals. Case law and statutory law over the years has impacted the parentage and legal responsibilities of all family configurations but especially single parent, same sex parent and now also poly and non binary parenting.
The seminar though suggested by a donor conceived individual was organized as an academic exercise for theoretical "natterers" to present papers and conclusions to other academics. But when such seminars are a rare occasion in the USA it attracted a healthy amount of donor conceived adults and young adults. A handful of psychologist and caregivers and I learned one other parent who was there on day one. I was the only non bio parent of DC individuals in the room.
Aside from the presentations and and the perfunctory questions from those academics attending or other presenters what I heard was pain and anger from the donor conceived in the room. Pain as to their loss. Pain as to why their rights are not being recognized and pain at how a few of the presentations could not recognize the real humanity affected.
I will say this that with a good 25-30 plus donor conceived individuals in attendance it became a lesson for the academics as they were schooled by the folks living this stuff.
I only saw two sessions. The first a good review of how parentage laws interact with laws addressing pro creative issues. The case law in this area has for years been driven by cases involving parental separation which is a shame rather than the thoughtful promulgation of neutral and fair statutes. The speaker has been involved in the creation of uniform model statutes then amended as individual states adopt such legislation. I thought interesting.
The second session was a purely academic exercise by an academic discussing whether responsibilities can be transferred vs delegates and it took the long way through various non DC hypotheticals to be applied to donor conception cases and I felt needed to be humanized more. Well intentioned for academics but not for real persons.
I would love to develop a seminar conference that addressed issues from the views and needs of families and individuals living this stuff. Like anything it's making the time.
Overall very happy to attend. It re energized my desire to write. Met some nice people that I would like to follow their activism and contribute where it makes sense to do so.
My main wish is that I can get more parents of kids to attend these kind of seminars so they can interact with adult donor conceived individuals to hear their views and points of concern.
One thing to note is that it's the academics and practicing attorneys with connections to legislatures that can shape the future and reform regulation. There need to be increased partnerships that can design middle of the road uniform legislation that make steps forward. Radical left reform won't sell in conservative state. The ASRM and infertility industry will continue to plod along affecting too many lives without regulation unless the issues are presented thoughtfully making people recognize and see the pain.
As the lead professor stated the press loves the feel good donor conception stories of siblings finding each other and instant connections especially of young children and teens that have not yet dealt with the questions or pain. Pain I saw again 13 years after I first saw it at a small conference, not so unlike this one, but now there is Twitter and Facebook and DNA testing.
Sent from my iPhone
The issues are the same. Recognition. Rights. Stigma. Ethics of donor conception.
Yesterday, I attended, here in NYC, co-hosted by the Center for Bio-Ethics at NYU and the New York Institute for Philosophy, a seminar titled The Ethics of Donor Conception. I only heard about via Twitter that morning. The first day was a Friday and I walked in at the start of the day two afternoon sessions.
Over the last 14 years the issues are generally the same although the reality and impact are highly polarized partially due to various factors including a now social media centered society where donor conceived individuals can meet and find each other via increasing usage of genetic DNA sites as well as websites and apps connecting individuals. Case law and statutory law over the years has impacted the parentage and legal responsibilities of all family configurations but especially single parent, same sex parent and now also poly and non binary parenting.
The seminar though suggested by a donor conceived individual was organized as an academic exercise for theoretical "natterers" to present papers and conclusions to other academics. But when such seminars are a rare occasion in the USA it attracted a healthy amount of donor conceived adults and young adults. A handful of psychologist and caregivers and I learned one other parent who was there on day one. I was the only non bio parent of DC individuals in the room.
Aside from the presentations and and the perfunctory questions from those academics attending or other presenters what I heard was pain and anger from the donor conceived in the room. Pain as to their loss. Pain as to why their rights are not being recognized and pain at how a few of the presentations could not recognize the real humanity affected.
I will say this that with a good 25-30 plus donor conceived individuals in attendance it became a lesson for the academics as they were schooled by the folks living this stuff.
I only saw two sessions. The first a good review of how parentage laws interact with laws addressing pro creative issues. The case law in this area has for years been driven by cases involving parental separation which is a shame rather than the thoughtful promulgation of neutral and fair statutes. The speaker has been involved in the creation of uniform model statutes then amended as individual states adopt such legislation. I thought interesting.
The second session was a purely academic exercise by an academic discussing whether responsibilities can be transferred vs delegates and it took the long way through various non DC hypotheticals to be applied to donor conception cases and I felt needed to be humanized more. Well intentioned for academics but not for real persons.
I would love to develop a seminar conference that addressed issues from the views and needs of families and individuals living this stuff. Like anything it's making the time.
Overall very happy to attend. It re energized my desire to write. Met some nice people that I would like to follow their activism and contribute where it makes sense to do so.
My main wish is that I can get more parents of kids to attend these kind of seminars so they can interact with adult donor conceived individuals to hear their views and points of concern.
One thing to note is that it's the academics and practicing attorneys with connections to legislatures that can shape the future and reform regulation. There need to be increased partnerships that can design middle of the road uniform legislation that make steps forward. Radical left reform won't sell in conservative state. The ASRM and infertility industry will continue to plod along affecting too many lives without regulation unless the issues are presented thoughtfully making people recognize and see the pain.
As the lead professor stated the press loves the feel good donor conception stories of siblings finding each other and instant connections especially of young children and teens that have not yet dealt with the questions or pain. Pain I saw again 13 years after I first saw it at a small conference, not so unlike this one, but now there is Twitter and Facebook and DNA testing.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, March 14, 2019
Tuesday, March 05, 2019
I am still here !
Although Z wants to visit her half sibling brother or he come to NYC so they can see a concert together. They seem to connect over music.
Otherwise all is generally quiet. More later. I promise.
Saturday, October 20, 2018
Mother Earth’s Flower Shop
Years ago I participated in the International Infertility Film Festival. A home grown group of bloggers contributing videos posted on YouTube with a common set of hashtags. This was always a favorite posted by Melissa Ford aka of the Stirrup Queens blog that continues today posted under The Towncriers avatar she also used at that time. A fun video not specifically about donor conception but about all families created via ART and adoption.
Sent from my iPhone
There is More Said the Troll
Just read a fast blog piece over at Scary Mommy where a mom describes her children's story from telling, school pictures that look like sperm to what it's like having donor siblings. She also describes her feelings about it all. Basic stuff.
The kids are still young so no issues discussed re finding a donor etc. I am getting jaded as I want sometimes to interject. I don't want ever to be that troll commenting on another persons story. But sometimes you do.
Monday, October 15, 2018
DNA Sample Received
Saturday, October 06, 2018
Our Goal as Parents to DC Children
The following is a comment I just posted on a donor conception FB group in response to a post that a couple is experiencing conflict where the expecting dad wants to minimize the donors role in many respects:
“Anyone that has seen my comments know I believe in full disclosure as early as possible in a donor conceived child’s life. The reasons are supported by many studies that the earlier its know the less pain and betrayal if any will exist later. This can’t be a secret to the child as it’s their right to know who they are.
The donor does not have to be a major focus but at the same time to minimize the donor is to minimize and possible delegitimize half of who the child is. Doing that can seriously create self worth issues etc. I don’t want to create arguments here and I will respect everyone’s views but the goal must always be the best interests of the child. Using DI or DE is a decision we make as parents not one they asked for. They deserve truth in all respects. Our feelings as parents must be secondary to their mental and physical health. As parents I can’t imagine anyone not wanting that as their goal.”
Sent from my iPhone
“Anyone that has seen my comments know I believe in full disclosure as early as possible in a donor conceived child’s life. The reasons are supported by many studies that the earlier its know the less pain and betrayal if any will exist later. This can’t be a secret to the child as it’s their right to know who they are.
The donor does not have to be a major focus but at the same time to minimize the donor is to minimize and possible delegitimize half of who the child is. Doing that can seriously create self worth issues etc. I don’t want to create arguments here and I will respect everyone’s views but the goal must always be the best interests of the child. Using DI or DE is a decision we make as parents not one they asked for. They deserve truth in all respects. Our feelings as parents must be secondary to their mental and physical health. As parents I can’t imagine anyone not wanting that as their goal.”
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, September 30, 2018
Friday, September 28, 2018
Sperm Donor Meets Children and Girlfriend Online. Their Children
This should be an interesting read.
Note one fear that some DI Dads have is that their spouse will developed feelings for their donor. Presumably there is no social non bio dad in this story.
I will read later and add comments.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Reactions to Jarring Experiences Linked Article
The article I linked to a few days ago (and below) had me thinking about the many different ways individuals are now learning they are donor conceived or where individuals are discovering that their biological fathers donated sperm years earlier resulting in half siblings they would never have considered to exist. It also made me think about terminology and relationships between those interviewed and their donors and the parents that raised them.
Tomorrow, Monday, I will pick up from the post office the 23andMe kit my daughter requested I purchase for her. Her brother and she had previously used the Ancestry dot com kit with their mom. But Z wanted to now use the same kit / service that their only known half sibling sister had used. So far their half sister's kit has produced no additional half siblings. But we want to at least see if the 23andMe database links them together as we expect it should.
The truth is we know of at least one additional half sibling out there. As I have written in the past the donor did report to the cryobank that he had a biological daughter directly presumably through a marriage. If this child now pre-teen or teen ever submits her own kit looking to learn about her own genetic make up or ancestry she we would expect would also be linked as a 50% sibling to our sibling group.
I wonder how the donor will react to his child asking to purchase such a kit. He must follow and see in the news that these genetic kits have resulted in breaking the promise of anonymity. Will he let his child or children use such kits. Certainly when there are adults he will not be able to control such decisions. Imagine years from now his daughter with her own children submitting a kit and learning as an adult that she is connected to this group.
There was an argument the other day on the DSR Facebook group about respecting donor anonymity. By purchasing the 23andMe kit am I walking down the slippery slope of breaking my legal agreement to respect the anonymity of my children's donor? Probably, but they did not sign such an agreement.
Getting back to the article.
There are several stages non bio or social parents go through once they have donor conceived kids. One such stage or fear is that once the donor is found that he or she will replace the non bio parent in some form in the mind and heart of our child. Selfishly I admit smiling when Amy who is described in the article beginning states that she does not think of her donor as her dad even though he is obviously her biological father. At least one other individual interviewed viewed the parent that raised them as their dad. Again one for my side. As with many issues, terminology becomes important to how you process information.
Amy like my kids did not find out via a fight or my deathbed. They like her have always known. But unlike her they don't have the right to initiate contact through their cryobank. In that they are unlucky and I worry whether this causes them pain, spoken or unspoken. This is my greatest fear. My own pain or discomfort are truly secondary but none the less also real.
The article also discussed validation. Validation from the donor recognizing and acknowledging the donor conceived individual And self validation where an individual always felt there was a disconnect from the family or parent that raised them. Not necessarily in a negative way but just that something felt different or did not match up. Perhaps personality wise, or hair color, or for whatever reason. My own daughter, granted she is sometimes a pain the rear end teen, feels I am a complete nerd and she being so cool it is obvious we are not blood relations.
I think the sections of the article that I found the most painful were the interviews that detailed the secrecy where individuals were not told and it was clear that there was no plan or even intent to ever tell. These stories were filled with pain and even betrayal. I and my ex-wife never wanted to cause such pain and its one of the primary reasons we told our kids early. We have not gone out of our way to tell everyone in the world as it the children's story. Although this blog sort of blows that goal out of the water.
There is truly so much more I can react to in the article but I think I need to stop for now. Please read the article and let me know your reactions.
All Super Heroes Should Know Their Origin Story
As seen on the Facebook feed for DonorChildren:
" #DonorChildren member Chloe13, Chloe Elizabeth, #DonorConceived adult goes to the street in #Melbourne #Australia to ask people about #DonorConception. Fantastic!! #RUDC"
I have seen other videos by one of the two young women in the video, Chloe Elizabeth, and they are very good. Many of the videos post by members of the DonorChildren community are very good as many of the individuals are quite articulate in their feelings and thoughts.
Saturday, September 22, 2018
Best Book re Explaining Donor Conception to a Child
As they grow into adults they will have many questions, some of which I have answers for, and many I will not be able to answer for them.
Books like this though helped them to take first steps to processing it all. Parents should ask themselves many questions before they start a donor conception journey but books like this are a must have if you do.
It's not published anymore and it's rarely on eBay and other book resellers but worth finding. These days it might be on line as a pdf for all I know.
Jarring Experiences ...
The number of individual stories out there is unreal. There are points where I feel reading them is overwhelming. Yet I read so many of them. Sometimes I feel guilt. Sometimes I feel joy living through each. I often wonder what my teens are thinking. They are at those ages where sharing with their mid 50+ year old dad is not cool.
Here is yet another article describing varied experiences. This one published yesterday. Is it me or are there new articles every week. So many stories so many web sites. The last 16 years it has increased and increased.
Friday, September 21, 2018
What was I expecting? One Mother Tells Her Adult Daughter the Truth.
What was I expecting? Cries of hidden truths? Lies? Maybe I was. Too often I have heard stories of adults learning they were donor conceived and their resulting sense of betrayal and confusion. I expected that here.
Spoiler alert. The result here was one of mother and daughter simply crying at sharing something so intently personal and nothing more, at least in so far as the article covers it, about why the secret was kept etc.
I think this is rare. Not impossible. I still argue for openness from an early age. Worth reading for one more perspective.
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