Studies related to DI

Within the last week there was a post to the DonorMisconception Yahoo Group regarding a comment made by a member of a British research team that had recently published a study dealing with the psychological impact on kids conceived via DC. The study itself was one comparing DE kids to DI kids in their psychological development. The post actually centered on the readers reaction to a commentary piece written by one of the researchers of that study. The researcher had concluded her commentary with a statement that "these non-disclosing families are producing well-adjusted adolescents shows that there is more to parenting than sharing information about genetic origins". The reader was concerned that the researcher was ignoring the importance of honesty in disclosing to the DI kids their origins etc.

I have brought this all up not to discuss the merits of disclosure of not but rather because it brought me back to my desire to find a study dealing with assessing the psychological assessment of how individuals changing ages and maturity affect their views of their conception via DI or DE. I find many studies (most somewhat stale) dealing with parental views of disclosure (a, b), studies dealing with parents of young school age kids, and studies dealing with adult views but few if any looking at the topic on a truly long range scale. The Sperm bank of California appears to be headed in the right direction regarding such a long range study. I found each of these links just by "Googling" the terms "Studies" and "Donor Insemination".

It seems to me that disclosing early leads to well adjusted kids during their early years and into adolescence but after that there is no little statistically significant research out there taking the question to those middle years between adolescence through young adulthood. I have opined before that I believe most people's views change at each point in their life where identity issues abound and it appears that the views developed at young adulthood can have the most profound effect on lifetime views.

The British DC Network has a great video titled "A Different Story" where several DI conceived kids and adolescents comment how DI has not adversely affected their views of who they are and all seems like well adjusted kids anybody would be happy to claim as their own kids. I truly hope the DC Network follow these kids and ask their views again when they each hit their early to mid 20s and that they find the same reactions.

He Looks Just Like You

This topic is not a new one for me. Where it used to hurt me and serve as a reminder of my pain now I just smile and take it as a compliment.

Now that we moved to a new apartment I am commuting daily with my son to his old neighborhood school so he can finish the year with his friends. Today we got to the street his school is on a bit early so we stopped for a bagel (me) and a sprinkle donut (him). [Don't tell my wife]. Anyhow while sitting on a street bench a woman stopped to say how my son looks just like me. My son asked me what she said and I told him.

He just smiled and I smiled. I love him so much and he really is a great kid. So if someone tells me he looks like me I am now content and happy because it must be mean I am being a good daddy.

Note: It probably did not hurt that we were both wearing baseball style caps in the same manner.

Being Public

I was asked today why would I be public as to our using DI and putting my name out there via interviews, this blog, and various online discussion groups and bulletin boards. The simple answer is education.

My goals at this point are to educate others that while there may be parties disagreeing as to the use of DI the issue should not be hidden in the closet perpetuating the stigmas attached leading to embarrassment and pain to all parties involved. Years ago the issue of adoption was an unspoken topic which brought shame to the adopting families and the adopted individuals themselves. Today adoption is no longer addressed in whispers and is seen as a viable, socially acceptable alternative to families wishing to have children.

By being public I hope to move DI forward such that the public can accept DI as it has accepted adoption. Yes there are many issues to discuss (and perhaps disagree with) but without bringing the issue into the public eye no discussions can take place.

Slight Blog Hiatus - Apartment Moving

During the next ten to twelve days posts to this blog will be quite infrequent if at all. We are moving and the move date was accelerated due to possible building worker's strike here in NYC so our packing has been accelerated and my access to a PC will be limited if at all.

So if you don't see me writing I wish you Chag Sameach re Passover, a Good Friday and a Happy Easter or whatever other holidays I may have missed.

Regards,
Eric

DI Dads Speak Out

I have created but have not activated a new Blog titled DI Dads Speak Out. The idea is to invite a number of the Yahoo Discussion Group DI Dads to put another public face on our side of the story. Yes this might dilute my own readership and yes there are two other TTC DI blogs currently out there but this would present multiple opinions at once that might interesting to see.

The long term goal is turn the posts into a book that could perhaps help other Dads who don't use the Internet or would want something to refer to at their leisure without turning on their PCs.

I am unsure if I will activate the ability for viewers to leave comments and am leaning strongly against as this is a forum to present views not debate them. I am not looking for these men to be badgered as many comments seem to be used.

I was not sure how the group would react. So far a few of the Yahoo DI Dads are interested. I am not sure how the rest of the group feels about the idea. Given that they each can be posted under psuedonyms I think at least a few more will join in who otherwise would not go public. The idea is that I would occasionally present a topic and then perhaps three (3) members would each draft their views independently which I would post simultaneously for viewers to see the similarities and differences of opinion.

I am thinking that posts would only be added on a weekly basis so as to not overload anyone and to give this version of a multi contributor blog time to grow.

Good idea or bad?

More Multi Dad Blogging Sites

In addition to DadBloggers (which I have begun contributing to - see post of a few days ago) the following is a list of other multiple dad blogging sites ( I found on the DadBloggers site) where the viewer can read posts from many dads all at one convenient web address:

http://www.theblogfathers.com/

http://www.dadcentric.com/

http://ricedaddies.blogspot.com/

http://justusdads.blogspot.com/

http://www.daddyspeak.com/

http://thedadsgroup.blogspot.com/

The Role of Fatherhood Part 2 - Choices

There is a message thread currently on the Yahoo Group SpermDonors that started after the 60 Minutes DSR segment. The thread's discussion has touched on the obligations of a bio father vs that of the choice to be a dad by the social fathers.

As a social father who was there (1) for the choice of donor (actuallly I chose him) , (2) for the inseminations, (3) the entire pregnancy [& all that entails] and (4) for their birth I feel my role is more than a choice. It is a committment to the children, to my wife, to the world and to the donor that I raise these kids [as my own]. My name is on their birth certs which gives me equal custody and decision making capabilities. It also obligates me as much as any bio dad. Except for [their] blood [which matches mine in type] these are my children and I recognize and acknowledge all the resposibilities that go with it. If I had met my wife after she had these kids perhaps it would be more of a social choice. But based on my fact pattern I am their dad [by more than simply choice] as are any other men whose facts match.

As a result I feel all of the obligations of a bio father are mine and nothing less. And yes I acknowledge that if a marriage were to dissolve between a married couple (bio mom, DI dad) that the social dad should be liable for child support as to do otherwise would signify a lack of commitment to the child and a lack of respect for the former spouse.

To recap the point being made in some of the thread responses is simply that social DI dads who choose to enter this method of conception are choosing to love and raise these kids. Yes, I agree but once the choice is made it requires an acknowledgemenmt of a lifetime obligation.

DSR Passes 2000 Matches

The Donor Sibling Registry this weekend officially made its 2oooth match between genetic half siblings and/or siblings to donor. This is quite a milestone. When we registered during the Summer of 2005 the matches were at less than half that amount, somewhere around 900. Simply amazing!

Fathering Children

My first DadBloggers submission was posted / published today 3/30/2006. The topic I started with is “Fathering Children”. You can link to it here.

I recognize here (in this blog) that anytime someone in the DC community uses the term Father or Dad we seem to get all bent out of shape with definitions. I have fallen prey to this as well and I expect I will for some time to come. My DadBloggers post looks at it more from the social perspective as opposed to the biological although that is addressed.

In our world there seems to be a unwritten agreement that the term Dad is for the social father and Father is for the donor. I have generally written here and on the DC discussion groups under that construct and named myself that way as well. But somehow had I titled the DadBloggers post Daddying Children the dual definition I refer to would not have worked.

Tax Tip for 2006: Donate to the DSR

OK, I'll admit any donations made now in 2006 will not effect your bottom line 2005 taxes due this April 15th but I figured that while taxes were on your minds that I could put the thought onto the table. The Donor Sibling Registry is federally recognized 501(c)(3)charitable organization such that all donations made to them will be tax deductible to you the donor.

I can't say enough of the attention and benefits the DSR has brought to all the families connected due to its existence and the efforts of Wendy and Ryan Kramer. So at this time when you should be filing your 2005 tax returns plan ahead and make any size donation you can to the DSR.

If you can't donate cash make sure when you visit the DSR that you click at least once on the Google Ad Sense links as even that small action can benefit the DSR financially if enough people click through. Make it a daily ritual while you have your coffee at work to take a single moment to drop by and click on any of the Google Ads. For the amount of traffic the DSR gets this can make a difference.

Where are the DI Dads of Donor Kids?

As I have stated in the past I moderate the Yahoo DI Dads discussion group where our membership has slowly climbed into the mid 30's. If the numbers are correct regarding DI births then about 35,000 to 40,000 kids are born via DI each year and if only 10% of those births are to heterosexual couples where are those 3500 to 4000 social DI Dads from the last 12 months alone?

If anyone finds them please let me know. Statistically they exist. The question is do they want to use their voices to be heard? Most likley it is a sad fact that many are not disclosing the truth to themselves or their families / friends to protect themselves from scrutiny and more likely the implied stereotypical shame on their egos. Maybe I should then be amazed that with the numbers out that even 30 or so have actually found their voices.

Well if these others exist please let them know there are others here who are willing to listen

TTC Infertility Lists (Non DC and DC)

I have added to my side bar a link to the Infertility List of Blogs that is maintained over at A Little Pregnant. It is quite extensive and worth browsing through (if only too see the creativity in blog names) in addition to the TTC blog "A Little Pregnant" itself.

I have yet to really work on a true stand alone DC blog list and I now believe it would involve a fair amount of overlap as many TTC DI blogs are those of single moms or lesbian couples already listed on the list linked above. It's easier to let others maintain these things I suppose.

The few hopeful dad written DI blogs I know of I have links to already. This presents a quandary as I feel to only add hopeful mom TTC DI blogs without the single moms and lesbian couples would be exclusionary which is not my goal. So for now I am limiting myself to the male written blogs for the most part. There is such a dearth of male experiences in this area and men rarely speak about these issues that it self perpetuates the fact that men don't discuss these issues which only allows the pain to continue.

Alert: Lead Based Toys

Ok, this is off the topic of DC much less DI but something that shocked me, as my 4 year old son constantly asks me for the toys in those quarter vending machines outside grocers and stationary stores so that I want others to be aware of it. Link here to the article I want you to read or via this post's title.

I am not saying the toys in these machines are necessarily lead based but I would bet they were produced by the cheap end of the toy market so who knows. Kudos to Brett over at DadTalk for publishing the post on this topic.

DI Overshadows Donor Eggs in the Media

Almost every story I see regarding donor siblings involves donor insemination and there is virtually no mention of donor egg yet it's hard not to pick up a newspaper without seeing an advertisement soliciting young women to donate their eggs. Yet somehow the new stories continue focusing on DI. Why is that?

My first guess is that there are far fewer donor egg sibling matches out there. I have no idea how true this is but I plan to post the question on my next visit to the DSR yahoo groups. The biology is quite clear that one man's DI sample can be parsed into a number of saleable vials and result in multiple children but that only a limited number of eggs are produced by one egg donor thus decreasing the chances of sibling matches. I would also expect that the number of times a woman donates must be a tiny fraction of the samples produced by their male counterparts due to the physical stress it causes and the requirement of increased medical review.

So you would think that the media would focus on this more invasive procedure as opposed to the side where the men just fill up a cup. But the media goes for the easy story of the cute kids faces created via DI.

In contrast The Independent (UK online edition) yesterday (3/26/2006) published an article titled "The Donor Business: The Price of Eggs" and discusses in detail the business end of this side of the donor conception business. It is a pretty in depth article about the costs incurred by both the egg donors themselves and the prices being paid by the purchasers and why donors are lured into donating. The article focuses on the UK DE world but is still quite telling.

I started writing this post as I wanted to compare the emotions of a DI mom carrying another woman's eggs, birthing and raising that child to my own feelings as a DI Dad but I got off track. Perhaps another time.

Last Will and Testament : Guardianship

In our wills if my wife and I both pass away our kids go to my sister and her husband. We set the guardianship of our kids up this way so the kids will be raised with their cousins and in our religion. If however my sister were to pass before us the kids are to go to my wife's brother and his wife (who currently have no kids).

We figured that in case the latter sequence of events occurred that the kids should be raised by their blood uncle even though he and his wife practice a different religion. It's interesting how the subjective nature of when blood relations matter are used when you deal in matters of donor conception or at least how it colors any and all discusions.

That comment begs the question of would I consider the kids being raised by the donor. In our case I could sidestep the question as the donation was an anonymous one. But my real answer is as there is no social relationship the kids would not understand why they are not with the family they know. Certainly at the young ages they are now it would be unthinkable. Maybe if they were teenagers and no other options existed (i.e. grandparents, cousins, etc.) and the donor agreed. But to be honest I could not imagine this at any time.

DSR Storyline on ER TV Show

I just caught the following post on the DSR Yahoo Group about last night's episode of ER (on NBC) involving a sub plot involving the Donor Sibling Registry. My apologies to Carol and the DSR for copying Carol's plot synopsis.

--- Carol@... wrote:

Storyline is:

Archie Morris, the somewhat dorky red-headed chief resident of the ER, is hunted down in the ER by 4 semi-red-headed kids, ages about 11-15. (As a DI Mom,I kinda saw what happens next coming....all that redhair was too much). They explain to Dr. Morris that they all met through the DONOR SIBLING REGISTRY online and that one of the computer whiz kids was able to crack the sperm bank's computer system and find the name of their donor...Archibald Morris. Morris had donated as a med student from 1991-96 and these are the four kids (from different mothers) who are listed on the registry for the fictional Chicago Cryobank.

Morris is THRILLLED, falls right into the "daddy" role, and clearly forms a stronger attachment to the kids than vice versa. He takes them on a tour of the ER, introducing them to the gang as his family. He has already picked up on each kid's specialness, obviously excited at this new-found role as parent.

When the oldest, a teenage girl who stole her Mom's car to drive them to the hospital, announces that it's time to go, Morris seems upset at the abrupt parting and asks about continuing the relationship, going for burgers, etc. The girl says "we'll see".

Later on we see Morris, nose into his computer, printing up the photo one of the staff took of him with the offspring. He tells a fellow doctor that "this is the one for my Christmas card".

I thought it was good publicity. They mentioned the DRS in its complete title and more or less gave the info on how the site works. The script made it clear that the kids found each other online, but found the Dad only through one of them being able to hack into a website. They showed a civil meeting between the donor and the kids, a reunion that has a happy ending.

If only all the matches ended up this nicely!

Carol

--- End forwarded message ---

New Consumer Model - Infertility Cartoon

I was browsing a few of the blogs I keep up with and read a post on A Dad Someday where he discusses a cartoon blog titled "New Consumer Model". After reading the post I linked over and found that the blog is not solely devoted to only infertility but various issues and thoughts of the artist Cameron. Today's cartoon, titled "Seaweed", nailed what it feels like when friends announce they are pregnant and you have been trying unsuccessfully.

Other cartoons drawn by the artist dealing with infertilty are titled as follows: "Preg Test Buy"; "Bed Estranged"; "Ultrasound"; "Found Pregnancy Test"; and "Pregnancy-Test". They probably should be viewed in reverse order but this is how I transcribed them.

3/26 - I removed the individual links to these cartoons as they appear to have changed as the artist/bloggist does not have perma links set up for each of his drawings. As I previously stated look for the cartoons based on the titles provided above.

The Differing Roles of Fatherhood - Part 1

Following the 60 Minutes segment a number of posts were made to the Yahoo Discussion Group SpermDonors the following is an edited version of the first message I posted there:

I have been following [the] thread dealing with the 60 Minutes segment and the use of terminology and the level of dettachment that Donor 48QAH exhibited and I wanted to throw another DI / Social Dad's comments into the mix.

I have never denied that the donor is the biological father nor would I to my children when they are old enough to more fully comprehend their conception. The older one does know a donor helped create him along with his mommy as I could not. Yes this sounds like the stat mantra kids are told but it is the beginning. I feel to explain more to a four year old may confuse him at this point.

Under normal conditions a father is both the biological and the social we all know that. Under conditions where DI is used those roles are split into two creating that split in identity that my children will have to deal with. It wasn't my intent as I have described numerous times on these boards and in my blog etc. To my children as they grow into adulthood there will always be two fathers perhaps but at the young ages (and I would expect the experts would agree) that this concept should be introduced slowly to ensure true comprehension. Until that point my kids know me as their sole father.

My only knowledge of the donor's intent to NOT be a social father is via the vials we purchased and that his sperm was being marketed as an anonymous donor when our bank offered both anonymous and open. Yes I acknowlege in the years since those donations his wishes may have changed.

My point, and I apologize for the rambling before making it, is that the kids will each decide to what degree they want a relationship to the donor and in what form. To blanketly assign the donor the role of the sole father (based only on the truth of biology) does the social fathers an injustice and only creates scenarios where these men become defensive and less likely to help their DI kids along their path in addressing these issues. My job and responsibility as I see it, based on my and my wife's choice / decision to use DI, is to help them in whatever paths they choose...whether they seek a relationship with the donor or not.

I hope this makes sense.

Baby Books....Mommy, Daddy, Donor...

My wife has been on my case to write in the baby books for our kids. She wants me to take a break from this blog to spend quality time with a pen and paper. I never seem to get to it. I think it’s the pen and paper aspect of it. If I don't start writing she will kill me as our older child is about to turn 4 and the younger is nearly 2. Now I should tell you that my wife has also been bad about making entries and only recently began adding info so we missed what date both kids first smiled etc among other facts looking for hard dates.

I did take some time the other night to peruse through what she has written. Mostly standard stuff. I did note that their conception story is noted in at least one of the two books that a donor was used and I believe she noted his number and the cryobank. In addition in one of the books we have copies of the beginning emails between us and the mom of their half sibling. I need to append all the donor info we have. I already have copies of it all in our safe deposit box in the same folder as our other family history / genealogy original documents.

I wonder if I can market a new line of baby books…..standard, two mommies, two daddies, choice mom, and standard along with the donor addendum pages. Hey electric light started as a joke too.

What Did This DI Dad Blog Do Right?

Over the last few days this blog's hits have exploded. As you can see above the hits kept coming at a level I have not seen before.

I can only guess it has to do with the search terms associated with the DSR via the 60 Minutes segment, the NY Times Mag piece and the posts regarding the Donor 401 moms based on the info accumulated as statcounter. Until this past week I averaged about 50-60 hits per day. To finish up a single week with these numbers is wild (at least to me).

For those of you that happened by for the first time I hope you will visit periodically and see what this DI Dad is thinking. If you have any comments or questions feel free to post them.