Acceptance

In the last few years I have not focused on donor conception issues. Been too busy just being dad and focusing on the kids post divorce etc. The whole Generation Cryo thing has me back in this mind set seeing little things through those glasses. 

Seeing the cartoon where the original caption read "He had his doubts from the beginning" I am reminded of a few dads I have spoken to who have had issues using another man's sperm to impregnate their spouses. It is hard to accept at first and sometimes there could be feelings if resentment and jealousy. For some it is akin to infidelity. Not all men have gone into using DI accepting it 100%. Many do and have no issues but for some it has been a fact lingering that lays hidden but can have many ill effects. 

I love my kids and was able to process the info of using DI that I don't thing I had  to much of an issue but all DI Dads have to accept it to be able to move into the next stages of loving their kids. 

NYT article re Generation Cryo

The GenetationCryo show made the cover of the NY Times Arts section this week. Below the fold but still very cool. 

There was a phrase by the reporter that technology made her and maybe technology can make her whole that @DresdenPlaid took offense at replying that #DonorConceived kids are not Terminators. 

I understood Dresden's point. And while the phrasing was cold and impersonal the writer was not trying to say the kids are inhuman. And I am betting that Dresden knew that. He, I believe, was just trying to make clear that this generation, these kids in particular, are the products of this time and continue to grow due to advances in science and have opportunities to help themselves in ways our generation could not have imagined through our connection to and through technology. 

I will say I don't think searching for a donor is the same for every donor conceived person and for most the search may not make them "whole" but it would appear as demonstrated here on Generation Cryo that an innate curiosity as to who we are drives our wanting answers that must be acknowledged for those that seek them. 

Article link:

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/25/arts/television/mtvs-generation-cyro-links-families.html?adxnnl=1&adxnnlx=1385543849-zUIiUDwf8NSlpsA7vr+Xnw

Tweeting GenerationCryo

In the past week to ten days I have been responding to numerous postings / tweets regarding the MTV program Generation Cryo. At first the tweets were just ignorant dumb jokes and uncaring comments. They are getting better. Mostly responding re issues and comments regarding parents etc. here are a few of my tweets this morning. Feel free to follow me there as Eric11714. 

The DI Dad in MTV's Generation Cryo

The following post is exactly the same text I posted to the DI Dads Yahoo Group earlier today (with an added link to a UK article about the show.  In this post Eric Jacobson discusses his feelings about the show that two of his children Hilit and Jonah appear on as well as his role in the show and its production:

A few weeks back I posted about a new reality show coming up on MTV called Generation Cryo. It's the story about a 18 year old young woman from Reno, NV named Bree that decides she wants to find her sperm donor and along the way via, the Donor Sibling Registry, discovers she has over a dozen half siblings. I saw a sneak peek of the show this past week and I think it is required watching for any DI Dad to get a peak into the lives of our kids when they hit their teenage years.

 Another reason to watch is more person to us as dads. The show focuses so far a lot on what is family. And where Bree is the product of a two mom household the first two half siblings she meet are non other than the twin children of DI Dad group member Eric Jacobson. And Eric is featured on the show in this episode and a lot of the issues we each have dealt with are tackled head on. Eric's children make it clear in the episode that Eric is their dad and they have no desire to meet the donor. In their minds and hearts he is their dad. No one else. And coming from our point of view I admit I almost lost it.

 I also saw an interview this week on the Today Show with many of the half siblings from the show and again it was addressed head on by the young adults who have dads that they are not looking to replace their dads, they love their dads very much and would never want to do anything to harm those relationships. Again great thing to see from our point of view.

 I have corresponded with Eric about the show which I believe has now wrapped filming even before the 6 episode series hits the air officially. This show is not reality TV ala Jersey Shore or any of that garbage. This appears worth watching. Anyhow I am copying below an email from Eric regarding his thoughts about the show and his struggles even going into the show.

 

I will say before this show even came into being Eric's family had over the years been involved with other press stories and his twins and many of their half siblings had already met and established half sibling relationships via their finding each other on the DSR.

 

Link to a UK article about the show:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2511292/New-TV-Generation-Cryo-stars-half-siblings-searching-biological-father.html

 
Again here is Eric Jacobson's email to me, nothing edited or removed:

On Nov 20, 2013, at 4:20 PM, Eric Jacobson  wrote:

Eric (you can post this)

Thanks for your kind words. If I said this was an easy process making this should I would be a liar. There were many arguements and fights about if I would even participate: How far would the show go in terms of the donor? Would MTV make this into another "reality show" like New Jersey Shore? These were my concerns before we event started the show.  

I think I shared with you and the Donor Dad list serve many years ago that I had to be dragged kicking and screaming into many of the activities related to our family being a donor family: Should we tell the kids? Should we tell them about the siblings? Should we talk to the press? I didn't necessarily want to do any of this - as I said on the show it was my insecurity. However, the one given that made it easier for me was the bond and love I have with Jonah and Hilit. With that in place, I knew that nothing could really go wrong. No matter what they would always be there for me and I am and will forever be their dad. I think this came out in the show as well. What may not be there is how protective they are of me and my feelings. I guess my advise for dads would be to have that love and nothing else could go wrong.

I had no problems telling Jonah to give his DNA because I know that even if they find the donor or meet him, I am their dad. By the way, both kids said from the beginning they have no interest in meeting the donor if he is found. Still my insecurity comes up a lot and that is what I have to deal with. I know you were concerned about how they refer to the donor as donor father. It is a legitimate concern but I think this issue is so new nobody really knows how to be political correct in how to refer to this guy. I am not sure how any of the kids really feel about this journey. Much of it was pushed upon them by families and then things just happen. I remember at one point, Jonah said as an 18 year old man "he could be someone who donated and probably would not want to have to worry 20 years later that a bunch of kids would show up on his door step." I think he gets it.

 Throughout the show I could only be real. Wasn't going to hold back or make it easy for the production people. Sometimes I get emotional about this and sometimes I get angry and there were times I had to walk away from the filming so I could get my act together. There is one other dad in the group and he I have not had lots of conversations but I think we feel the same way. Not really sure about why we have to go through this but it was good getting the kids together. They feel connected. I don't necessarily feel connected. We have made some good friends but I don't see them as family in any way.

 After all these years, I now honestly believe that we have to be open and upfront with our children and with ourselves. We live in a time when the "traditional" family no longer exists and we are pioneers in creating a new kind of family. Think about it, in our group there are single moms, lesbian couples and traditional families. It reflects the United States and the people who make up this great country. Those who are not open with their kids will find down the line that their kids are angry at them, not trusting, and may have other issues as they get older. We have to love them as much as we can and teach them that no matter what I am your dad - I just could not do what other men do and that is produce children - period. I hope this is the message of Generation Cryo for parents and for kids.

 I was told by the producers that my part of the show is a selling point because it does give the perspective of a dad and a parent. This is not just about finding the donor - it is about family and how families deal with issues such as having to use donor sperm or donor eggs. Does this make me a star? No, it just makes me human and my hard outside gave way to the soft inside that my kids love about me. Hopefully all the "dads" out there there that are struggling will find some comfort in this and know that if I continue to love my kids and be a good father there is NOTHING to worry about.  Believe me there were times when we were struggling raising American teenagers and all the other things we have to deal with that I forgot we used a donor.  Those are the issues we need to be more concerned about. 

Please know that if anyone has questions or issues that I would be available to discuss them.  I know how you feel - been there/done it - and I know what comes out on the other side.  So I dedicate my role on Generation Cryo to all the other guys out there - may you get comfort from what I have said.

Eric Jacobson

 From: Eric Schwartzman
To: Eric Jacobson
Sent: Tuesday, November 19, 2013 11:36 PM
Subject: Re: Generation Cryo

Hey Eric,

Just watched the first episode. Felt giving you my impressions before I would post anything or blog about it would be appropriate. 

First off every feeling you espoused that made it on air I have felt and related to. No idea if you have met any of the twins other half sibs parents to know if there is another dad like you. Am curious to see as the series continues. Was interesting and happy to see the amount of air time devoted to parent reactions. Appreciated that. 

Signing off on the DNA swab test was the right thing but can understand how hard it must have been. My kids and their sibs are all too young to be at these kids level of mind set so I am a ways away from seeing what they want. So the show is a possible roadmap of what may await me. 

Am impressed with your honesty and candor. Saying thank you. 

Regards

Eric Schwartzman

Twitter Feedback and Being Engaged in Life

This afternoon I exchanged tweets (via @Eric11714) regarding the DI Dads yahoo discussion group and how it made a difference for one man. 

Even though I have not been involved in the group on a daily basis for some time I do take some pride in knowing the group helped this gentlemen. 

I sometimes feel guilty for stepping back as I have. My marriage partially failed due to at times not being fully engaged in the marriage as I had been blogging full time through two blogs, this blog, and another a geographically based blog. I guess I still partially blame the time I spent blogging as well as the time on the group. Truth is I had other issues as well. But the effect is I now try to spend more time being dad and engaged with my kids. I don't want the kids feeling ever I wasn't there. 

The Donor's Child

Turns out the new half sibling is the donor's own child. Apparently the donor updated his medical / family profile and listed the birth of his own daughter. My kids were excited at the thought of a new half sibling but disappointed when I pointed out that it is unlikely they'd ever meet unless the donor comes forward or tells his own child that he once was a donor. 

Interesting and unexpected. 

Another Half Sibling?

Traded emails last night with one of the moms of our two known half siblings. It appears that on the sibling registry maintained by the cryobank there may be a listing for another sibling we were not aware of. 

I had not seen this sibling on the Donor Sibling Registry but then again I have not logged in there in a while. Thought there I had set up an auto email when siblings were added. 

Interesting if true but why would a parent post on the cryobank registry and not the DSR?

Wild. 

Movie Review: Starbuck - He Fathered 533 Kids...

The following is a post I just left on the Facebook group "Donor Conceived Offspring, Siblings, Parents":

Hello everyone. I am a dad to two children conceived via DI. For years I wrote a blog about just that and occasionally still post there. Last night I went to see the French Canadian film Starbuck From the trailer I expected it to be in movie terms a farce, and point of it were just that. 

It is a cute film and while the plot does involve the desire of 142 DC offspring trying to learn Starbuck's identity the film focuses more on the view of Starbuck and his attempts to act as "dad" while not giving up his true identity. I don't want to give away too much of what happens as it is a very sweet movie. Unrealistic perhaps but it does demonstrate that familial bonds develope in a lot of different ways. One scene where Starbuck does make a statement to his "children / offspring" is quite poignant and leads to several succeeding events.

Years ago as a non-biological dad I may have been threatened by the idea of my kids meeting their donor. I don't believe I am anymore but as they are still young it is unclear whether they will have any desire to meet him much less pursue a relationship. In the movie the feelings of the young adult children about their social parent was handled well, if not perhaps quickly, as it was not the point of the story or adding to the basic comedy that was the genre of this film.

We have seen a lot of sperm donor movies over the last few years most with happy scripted endings and this one does not break from the pattern. Most have dealt with the mother ending up, inadvertently with the actual donor. Others have been just as controverted. This ending was satisfying and cute. In the scheme of things it may not add anything to the debates we all have on this topic and our lives but for a couple of hours it is innocent fun (and at points very sweet) and allows us to feel good.

It should be started the movie opens with a totally unneeded scene of Starbuck in the clinic trying to donate. The typical jokes and his "trying" which we did not need to see.  Should have been edited out.  It is probably the only scene I had an issue with and one I would not let young children see. 


As with all movie reviews, and commentary on this topic so close to home, for all of us I expect there will be contrary opinions and I am open to hear them. What is your opinion of this movie and others of what has become a sub-genre all on its own?

Two DI News Stories: Kansas, Monica Cruz

Kansas

Over the last few weeks I have read a number of articles regarding a case in Kansas where a known donor was used by a lesbian couple where he signed papers giving up his right to the child but now the Kansas courts are requiring him to pay child support.

In short, Kansas law does not allow a same sex partner to adopt the child of their partner.  Louis Sternberg's blog summarized the best how the Courts came to their decision and the reason why.  It has nothing to do with their position on donor conception:

When [the birth mother] applied for state health insurance for the child, Kansas demanded to know the identity of the father. Kansas law, like New York, allows the state to seek child support on behalf of a custodial parent when that custodial parent is receiving certain state-sponsored financial benefits such as health insurance. Angela de Rocha, a spokeswoman for the Kansas Department for Children and Families said “all individuals who apply for taxpayer-funded benefits through DCF are asked to cooperate with child support enforcement efforts” and that “DCF is required by statute to establish paternity and then pursue child support from the non-custodial parent.”

Sternberg's blog actually states that under Kansas law that if the insemination was done by a licensed physician (it was not here) the donor would have been held harmless.

New York law considers me the natural father to my two DI children as I was married to their mother when they were born.  Now that I am not here I am paying child support.  No chance for me to get our donor to help out I guess. Lucky guy.


Monica Cruz

I was amused to learn that model Monica Cruz, the actress Penelope Cruz's nearly identical younger sister, decided that she no longer wanted to wait to find the man of her dreams to start a family and turned to donor insemination.   There are a lot of comments I can make to this story but many of them would get me in trouble.  I wish her and her baby well.  

2013 - Happy New Year

2012 has come and gone.  I only posted here 5 times in 2012.  I had hoped I would improve on my 2011 count of 41.  But it was not to be.  I am sitting here wondering what does that mean?   My divorce was finalized early in 2012 so that was not an issue in my writing less as it had been in 2009 and 2010.  Overall it must be that the issues of donor conception were not as pressing to my day to day life as they had been in earlier years. 

I also have not contributed as much to the Yahoo DI Dads group as I had in prior years.  At his point the group is somewhat self supporting.  There are a key group of dads there who are great and provide great feedback for those men looking for help.

So why do I come back here?  Probably because as my kids get older I expect the questions to increase.  They have not yet.  My kids are now going on 11 and 9.  Their relationships with their half siblings are those of distant cousins.  In truth they have been asking to see their female half sibling as it's been a couple of years since they have physically gotten together. 

But what about me?  What are my needs, my thoughts?  I am not sure.  When I see news stories on the topic I certainly have defiined opinions, defined positions.  I have not been active in the donor conception community in some time.

I still toy with the desire to memorialize all this into a book, updating key posts from over the years, and my thoughts.  I expect my activity will increase as the teenage years hit.  In the mean time I wanted to ask what topics you as the visiting reader would want addressed that perhaps you have not found if you have surfed through this site.  I apologize as the early years of this site did not have topic tagging as the recent years do.

Thank you and Happy 2013 ! 

Stupid Word Choices...

Somehow I find myself watching The Back-Up Plan with Jennifer Lopez.  In this flick she uses a sperm donor and is pregnant with twins. She then meets a great guy and fall in love.  By chance he is her sperm donor.  Anyhow at one point he states the twins she is carrying are not his. The stupid word choice.  She gets scared he wants to walk away and dumps him.  Being a romantic comedy you know they eventually get back together.

The truth is every DI Dad has stupidly said these words before the baby was born.  There has not been a day after my kids were born that I have thought that.  They are my kids.  Hadn't been here in a while so figured wanted to check in.

Did We Roll The Genetic Dice ?

On May 14, 2012, The New York Times ran an article titled "In Choosing a Sperm Donor, A Roll of the Genetic Dice".  The article details the plight of several families whose children due possibly to a lack of testing or screening developed diseases that possibly are due to the donor's sperm.  It is another of the NYT articles on the topic written over the years that I feel couples planning / considering using donor insemination should read before going down this path.


I say it is a must read not so much to scare anyone away from this family building option but moreso that the couple thinks about what questions to ask the cryobank before buying vials of sperm.  Those questions may be different for each couple.


My own feelings are that the questions should include the following:


(1) Does the donor bio state what tests were run on the sample?
(2) Does the cryobank publicly list what tests are run on each donor and thesamples taken?(3) When was the donor sperm donated ? and was it donated to this bank directlyor to a previous bank?


The article has opened up a debate on the DI Dads Yahoo Group regarding the veracity of documentation of issues resulting from the lack of testing of donor sperm.  For many diseases to manifest themselves it would take both the donor and the mother to carry the traits or genes for the disease.  Even if a donor was found to be carrier, who knows if the couple trying to have the children is even aware if the mother might be a carrier as well.




I am not sure how anything can be statistically proven unless more families are encouraged to report live births and/or issues back to their cryobanks or a central registry.   People value their privacy and regulation and legislation are seen as impeding on privacy which is another roadblock to effective reporting of issue beyond simple (or not so simple) testing of the donor at the source. 


Again I offer the article as another resource for issues that should be discussed.  So far the roll of the dice my ex and I took regarding our children has turned out lucky sevens so far.  G-d willing that won't change as they grow older.

Drug Store Chain To Sell OTC Sperm Test

I admit I am curious. I don't feel the need to purchase the test myself and take the test but I am curious. My need to have kids, biologically or otherwise, I believe is done. Maybe if I were to remarry but doubtful. But I am curious I admit. What are your thoughts?

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-02-07/sperm-test-at-walgreen-seen-plugging-infertility-gap-retail.html

Scientists Grow Sperm in Laboratory Dish

Interesting article. Certainly encouraging. Not sure how I feel about the germ cells being hosted by a live mouse.

I'd be concerned that my son could be Stuart Little if they could not assure me that the human sperm retrieved would include no mouse cells. Shades of Jurasic Park concerns. But science is amazing.

Who would have thoughts years ago that even ICSI was possible and successful. So someday I am sure this or a variant will be an option.

Happy 2012 !

Happy New Year ! Welcome to 2012 !

Well the kids are in bed sound asleep after staying up to see the ball drop. It was just us and they were plenty cranky at the end. Nothing special just a night of board games, Chinese food, they called their mom at 11:30pm, and fighting over what TV to watch. again nothing crazy.

I did take them swimming for about an hour and a half earlier in the afternoon which they really loved. The young lifeguard was very amused by the kids and even commented how much my daughter looks like me. I simply said thank you and smiled. I don't think anyone has ever said that about my daughter before. I was amused. That simple statement never fails to amuse me.

Time for me to get to bed. Even though I am sure these kids will sleep in tomorrow I am sure I will want to sleep later and must be ready for them.

Good night and again Happy New Year !

Sharing the Pain of Loss

This morning I read a post on the Yahoo group Donor Sibling Registry by Allison Rouble of the blog GENdMOM. Afterwards I posted a reply. Both are below.

"Still Playing Head Games with Myself"

It never seems to fail with me, after being married for 11 years and having never used any birth control, having received a diagnosis of male infertility due to unexplained azoospermia and having to use donor sperm to create our family I still find myself looking at the calendar every month wondering if some how by magic I will have gotten pregnant the good old fashioned way by my husbands sperm.

I play this torturous mind game with myself, I think maybe I am pregnant, i do a detailed analysis of every phantom symptom I have. I further twist the knife in my heart by wondering if it will be a boy or a girl, what names would we pick, would we have to move or add onto our house to make room for another child. I do this month after month, and the inevitable always happens. Auntie flow shows up with the bad but predictable news that “NO you are not pregnant you silly girl, your husband is infertile and it isn’t going to happen that way”.

I hate her, my auntie flow. Hate her because she comes to me every month with the bloody reminder that I will never have a biological child with the man I dearly love. And stupid, desperate me looks in the mirror at myself every time she is here for her visit and says, “maybe next month!”

My reply as posted to the Yahoo Discussion Group:

I have been unsure how to respond to this post. I am that infertile husband, or rather was, and my first reaction is to say I am sorry. My next reaction is the following....

Most (admittedly not all) DI Dads like myself know how hard it has been or is for our spouses who shared our pain addressing male factor infertility. It haunts us terribly throughout the process. We feel extreme guilt for it and are eternally grateful for you sticking by us. With the birth of these DI children we find ourselves in love with both the child and each of you again so deeply.

Most of us don't realize that the sense of loss you feel continues and need you to tell us so we can work through the feelings with you. We would rather share your pain then let you suffer it silently and alone.

We can't make it stop but we can let you know how much we love you and how much stronger we are as a family and as a loving couple.

Post Secret: Sperm Donor via One Night Stand

One of this blog’s most viewed posts involved a December 2008 postcard that was posted on the popular Post Secret website. That post card was submitted by a donor conceived individual who was envious of adopted individuals because their fathers had not “jacked off in a cup for money”.

The below post card was published this evening, 12/17/2011, on Post Secret, and was mailed in by a man who apparently was chosen for a one night stand with the goal of effectively becoming a sperm donor by a woman whose husband could not naturally have kids. I am sure the child conceived by this IUI would be equally not thrilled to learn their conception story if they ever learned it.

Certainly looking at this post card from the point of view of an infertile husband, this brings out many of the fears that DI Dads have that their spouse would turn to another man sexually to create a child. For all he knows the wife, if she has chosen this path, might even let the husband think it is his child, until the truth would come out, via blood works or blood tests of some nature.

Granted while technically this post card details a donor conception, this scenario is not legally a legitimate donor situation and could lead to all sorts of custody and paternity issues, if and when, reality is confronted. But as a DI Dad as soon as I read this card all sorts of issues popped into my mind.

Year End Updates

Kids are doing well. They have been speaking with their male half sibling Z from out West on a fairly regular but unscheduled basis lately and the conversations are getting less silly and more “normal” or what passes for normal among 9 year olds. My son J does most of the talking from our side. The kids have not spoken with T, their female half sibling, in some time, my fault not making that happen, even though they have asked about her.

J asked about the donor again recently and whether he’d ever get to meet the donor’s kids, if he has any. I said it is unlikely that will happen as we’d first need to find the donor. I asked if that is something he’d want but I got no response. He still is close friend with the other donor conceived kids I know in his grade although this to my knowledge has never been a topic of discussion among them.

J has a crush on a little girl at his school. She is younger than him and they are at that stage when they are way too young to be “dating” etc and are taking on the aspects of a very friendly brother / sister relationship but one where they can’t wait to see each other every day. J was excited when this little girl said he was like a brother. Apparently that is a stage with little kids when they get closer to each other. The whole way home he was so happy and said he had three sisters and two brothers. One each of this count is this girl and her brother. Very amusing and will get confusing.

Over this past year I have dated women who have had young kids of their own. No one has met anyone at this point as none have lasted the requisite six months called for under my separation agreement. The possible concept though of extended blended families will be very amusing down the road if a relationship becomes that serious. Half siblings, step siblings, full siblings. Family tree time will need a lengthy color coded legend more than it already does.

As I write all this I am concerned as my sublet is up at the end of January and I have yet to find a new apartment. I have lived these last two years in the same building I lived in with my then-wife and the kids. It helped the kids adjust to the separation coming back to the same building every day even though they split their time between apartments. That issue has been the main issue of concern to them more than anything donor conception related. They seem so far well adjusted and handling it well enough.

Time to go. Nothing else new to report with the Yahoo DI Dads group.

WiFi May Damage Sperm Quality: Study

An Argentine study is claiming WiFi in close proximity to sperm may damage the sperm's quality. The article in yesterday's NY Daily News is not that surprising as was the conclusion of a 2004 study that use of lap tops causes an increase in temperature to the scrotum and hence sperm causing damage.

Just something to think about when working at home or accessing WiFi on a laptop PC. Better safe than sorry. Guessing using the WiFi on top of a nice metal table is preferable to using the couch.

Dating Sites and the "Want Kids" Box

One amusing facet of dating again as a adult is the proliferation of on-line dating sites. One question on most profiles is whether you want kids. Many single women looking to get married also will want to have a family. Not all but many. When some see you have checked off you are done having kids it it obviously closes off some potential relationships.

This would never happen but can you imagine a box which would state "Can't physically have more kids but are you open to DI?" Not happening.

I am done no matter what. My kids are all I want unless I meet someone who already has kids. Is amusing thought though as it would the put issue out there and not have to worry about bringing it up later.