On the side of the 99%......Potty Training Update
My son has been potty trained now since about the first week of his pre-K classes. During those first weeks he had a few accidents at night and we did a lot of extra loads of laundry. We then decided that for us he would not be taking steps backward if we had him wear pull ups at night which has worked out well. Each day that his pull up shows he had no accidents at night we make a big deal of it and he is quite proud of himself.
During each of the last two nights he has woken up in the middle of the night and crawled into bed with us. He never co-slept with us when he was younger and his sleeping in our bed was always discouraged. Last night he apparently soaked his pull up and PJ bottoms and after discarding them in the bathroom he then crawled into our bed waking me up. After realizing what had happened I got him new bottoms and a pull up and got him back to his bed. The time change did not help but we’ll see what happens tonight.
On the 1% side…...
As noted by my two most recent posts I find myself becoming and wanting to become more involved in the DI / DC community. My genealogical work regarding my ancestral village seems les important to me now as I want to learn more about what the state of personal rights are for DI conceived individuals here in the US all planning to be able to answer whatever questions and concerns my kids may have as they get older and come to terms with all of this. I feel more and more that I have a duty to do this as their dad. I never want to be in a position that I cannot say I didn’t try. I never would want to think about this as their issue not mine and I know that would never be. I am approaching the point that I am not just thinking about my kids but all the others out there here in the US.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Support Group Envy
Prior to going to Toronto I was already aware of the British support group Donor Conception Network as well as the Donor Conception Support Group, based in Australia. Each website makes it clear that the primary purpose of the group is to support DC families, including both parents and the DC conceived offspring, child to adult. Each also maintains links and access to the donors themselves who are looking for support or information. I meander through these sites with envy and wonder why the equivalent does not exist here in the United States. The answers to my question are probably not simple.
The short answer is that here in the United States we are too consumed at looking at the issue from the parent’s perspective of creating the children and not at the support needed once the children are conceived. We all figure that once we are pregnant we are all just like normally conceived families and tend to rely on standard support structures such as families and friends. The truth of the matter is that while we are like other families 99% of the time that remaining 1% can control our lives. The major issues we already know are who do we tell, when do we tell them, how to tell the kids, etc. etc.
The existing support in this country is bound up within major organizations like Resolve, and the American Fertility Association, who are pulled in multiple directions but obviously most concerned with counseling and support towards the creation of children not the after. More and more I am becoming convinced we need a central organization devoted to supporting our needs here in America that also looks at the system we have helped to create with an eye towards support, advocacy, and reform but the focus always being on the children conceived who will grow into adults.
How does the name the American Donor Conception Association grab you? A dream yes but perhaps a goal we need and must work towards.
The short answer is that here in the United States we are too consumed at looking at the issue from the parent’s perspective of creating the children and not at the support needed once the children are conceived. We all figure that once we are pregnant we are all just like normally conceived families and tend to rely on standard support structures such as families and friends. The truth of the matter is that while we are like other families 99% of the time that remaining 1% can control our lives. The major issues we already know are who do we tell, when do we tell them, how to tell the kids, etc. etc.
The existing support in this country is bound up within major organizations like Resolve, and the American Fertility Association, who are pulled in multiple directions but obviously most concerned with counseling and support towards the creation of children not the after. More and more I am becoming convinced we need a central organization devoted to supporting our needs here in America that also looks at the system we have helped to create with an eye towards support, advocacy, and reform but the focus always being on the children conceived who will grow into adults.
How does the name the American Donor Conception Association grab you? A dream yes but perhaps a goal we need and must work towards.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Infertile Parents & Donor Conceived Offspring: A Shared Legacy of Pain
I attended the Donor Conception Symposium in Toronto this past weekend and I learned a great deal. The biggest eye opener for me as a father via DI was the pain and grief that a number of adult donor offspring are bearing. I was aware prior to this Symposium of the anger and pain that most adult offspring (of a generation older) felt but in those cases the individuals were adults when they learned of their true origins and the truth was kept secret from them. The offspring I was not aware of are those that were of the group that were told of their origins since they were very young. I can’t say this pain is shared by all adult offspring of the approximate age range 21 to 35 but it was apparent and raw in those attending in numbers at this Symposium.
The title of his post may be a bit misleading as truthfully the pain of the offspring is as they informed me a direct result of the removal of the pain felt by the infertile parents upon the birth of the children.
I met a lot of good people at this Symposium and while I cannot say I support their position that Donor Conception should be abolished I promised that I would make their position known and that I can empathize with the arguments behind their position. I should also point out that not all the donor offspring are in the camp of total abolishment of DC. Bill Cordray of Utah, an adult conceived by DI, stated he was not in favor of abolishment but was and had been working for years to reform the system in the USA and was a proponent of telling children the truth as early as possible. I expect to be writing more about this topic and its consequences shortly and more frequently.
The facts I do want to be brought out at this point are that the donor offspring are fighting not just for the right to know who their donors are but more succinctly for the right to know who they are by reclaiming their lost genetic, social, ethnic, and medical histories that are theirs via the donors who helped create them. Yes, I better understand the pain and loss due to the fracturing of the genetic father from that of the social father.
The main distinction I see and hope that would ease the pain or lessen the severity of it regarding my own children is that for most of these angry, despondent, grief stricken adult offspring (who knew early of the circumstances of their conceptions) they have little or no information regarding their donors. The concept of anonymous donors, in countries such as the Canada, the UK, Australia and New Zealand, was just that totally anonymous (the laws in most of these countries are changing or have recently changed - again to be left for another future post on this topic). The medical establishment chose the donors used and the keeping of what little records existed if at all.
For my own children (due to the consumerism of the USA) we were able to secure bios that include detailed descriptions of physical characteristics, personal likes / dislikes , medical histories of the donor, and his complete family (parents, siblings, grandparents) as well as educational and professional histories (again of the donor and his family). In addition we have a toddler photo as well as a CD Rom of the donor’s voice answering many of the questions detailed within the personal bios. When I informed the donor offspring I met of the level of this detail they were amazed. To be honest I felt guilty for having so much when they had nothing. Again as I state above I hope this level of detail will alleviate some of the pain that they might experience when thinking of their lost connections through the donor.
As I stated I met many wonderful individuals at this Symposium not only from the adult offspring community but others that I will speak about in subsequent posts.
The title of his post may be a bit misleading as truthfully the pain of the offspring is as they informed me a direct result of the removal of the pain felt by the infertile parents upon the birth of the children.
I met a lot of good people at this Symposium and while I cannot say I support their position that Donor Conception should be abolished I promised that I would make their position known and that I can empathize with the arguments behind their position. I should also point out that not all the donor offspring are in the camp of total abolishment of DC. Bill Cordray of Utah, an adult conceived by DI, stated he was not in favor of abolishment but was and had been working for years to reform the system in the USA and was a proponent of telling children the truth as early as possible. I expect to be writing more about this topic and its consequences shortly and more frequently.
The facts I do want to be brought out at this point are that the donor offspring are fighting not just for the right to know who their donors are but more succinctly for the right to know who they are by reclaiming their lost genetic, social, ethnic, and medical histories that are theirs via the donors who helped create them. Yes, I better understand the pain and loss due to the fracturing of the genetic father from that of the social father.
The main distinction I see and hope that would ease the pain or lessen the severity of it regarding my own children is that for most of these angry, despondent, grief stricken adult offspring (who knew early of the circumstances of their conceptions) they have little or no information regarding their donors. The concept of anonymous donors, in countries such as the Canada, the UK, Australia and New Zealand, was just that totally anonymous (the laws in most of these countries are changing or have recently changed - again to be left for another future post on this topic). The medical establishment chose the donors used and the keeping of what little records existed if at all.
For my own children (due to the consumerism of the USA) we were able to secure bios that include detailed descriptions of physical characteristics, personal likes / dislikes , medical histories of the donor, and his complete family (parents, siblings, grandparents) as well as educational and professional histories (again of the donor and his family). In addition we have a toddler photo as well as a CD Rom of the donor’s voice answering many of the questions detailed within the personal bios. When I informed the donor offspring I met of the level of this detail they were amazed. To be honest I felt guilty for having so much when they had nothing. Again as I state above I hope this level of detail will alleviate some of the pain that they might experience when thinking of their lost connections through the donor.
As I stated I met many wonderful individuals at this Symposium not only from the adult offspring community but others that I will speak about in subsequent posts.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Thoughts of a Half Sibling and Watching Kids Bouncing on Couches
This past weekend we visited my sister's as her older daughter was celebrating a birthday and a cousin of ours was visiting from out of town with his wife and son. At one point I asked my wife if we could tell my sister about the half sibling but she felt it was not the right time as the day was a celebration for the 6 year old and to bring up this topic would pull away conversations from that event. She was right.
As I watched my kids play with their cousins I could not help but imagine their half sibling also bouncing off the couch and the cushions laughing and giggling.
As I watched my kids play with their cousins I could not help but imagine their half sibling also bouncing off the couch and the cushions laughing and giggling.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?
The post title came to mind when I began to wonder if Dads like me really think about these issues (i.e., being a DI Dad) every day? Probably not is the answer. I know I did not until I started this blog. Then the question is have dads asked themselves the tough questions, received their answers, and then have simply moved on?
Certainly books like Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus among others have proven that most men and most women think and very often act differently. The majority of individuals on discussion groups like Donor Sibling Registry are full of women addressing sibling and personal issues regarding DI. It is to early to see how many men join the new DI Dads Yahoo Discussion Group. The presence of men on these sites is rare if not non-existent. So again why is this? I pose the answer that for the most part men address the issue differently and then for the most part move on. Sure there are expected events that will cause the issue to be re-examined (i.e. telling the child about the DI if that is the decision reached) but for the most part I think men just move onto the actual act of living life currently and being the dad to their kids.
I am not saying at all that women think of this issue all day either. I am just positing a reason why we do not see more men out there adddressing this issue on line. I am also not addressing (nor discounting) the psychological view that some men see the act of not being able to sire a child as a comment on their manhood. I am also not qualified to address this issue beyond my occasional comments.
Furthermore I am not saying there aren’t moments when these dads ponder what would have been different (the electric sheep analogy) had they been able to biologically sire a child. But I just think once the medical bills are done for many, not all, the issue has been addressed (aside from the fact that men are for the most part lousy about discussing their feelings publicly anyhow) and that is why we don’t see more dads out there. Do you agree?
Certainly books like Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus among others have proven that most men and most women think and very often act differently. The majority of individuals on discussion groups like Donor Sibling Registry are full of women addressing sibling and personal issues regarding DI. It is to early to see how many men join the new DI Dads Yahoo Discussion Group. The presence of men on these sites is rare if not non-existent. So again why is this? I pose the answer that for the most part men address the issue differently and then for the most part move on. Sure there are expected events that will cause the issue to be re-examined (i.e. telling the child about the DI if that is the decision reached) but for the most part I think men just move onto the actual act of living life currently and being the dad to their kids.
I am not saying at all that women think of this issue all day either. I am just positing a reason why we do not see more men out there adddressing this issue on line. I am also not addressing (nor discounting) the psychological view that some men see the act of not being able to sire a child as a comment on their manhood. I am also not qualified to address this issue beyond my occasional comments.
Furthermore I am not saying there aren’t moments when these dads ponder what would have been different (the electric sheep analogy) had they been able to biologically sire a child. But I just think once the medical bills are done for many, not all, the issue has been addressed (aside from the fact that men are for the most part lousy about discussing their feelings publicly anyhow) and that is why we don’t see more dads out there. Do you agree?
Friday, September 30, 2005
Reactions to "He looks just like you!" and other statements.
This one statement has illicited varied emotions over the years. In the beginning it was a source of pain now it's more a source of amusement. People see what they want to see and generally this statement is made as people know parents love this kind of statement - true or not.
Tonight my wife and I were talking and as she occasionally does she referred to the donor as "the other guy". She never says this in front of the kids and then would only say the Donor if we were discussing a topic where "he" comes into the discussion. Generally the term results in no additional reaction. But occasionally, somehow, this term "the other guy" seems to bug me as if it makes the donor more real.
I told my wife that when she says this it makes me feel like she knew him. The emotion it occasionally raises in me is not so much a feeling that she had an affair with "the other man" but it does elevate the donor above what his sole role was (that his genetic material was needed to create our children and that alone).
Our discussion tonight actually involved her discussing who she thought the kids looked like. Our son looks more like her than the picture we have of the donor as a toddler and our daughter we think bears some resemblance to the donor.
So tomorrow in the playground when someone says that one of my kids looks like me, I'll just smile, be amused, and say thank you as I always do.
Tonight my wife and I were talking and as she occasionally does she referred to the donor as "the other guy". She never says this in front of the kids and then would only say the Donor if we were discussing a topic where "he" comes into the discussion. Generally the term results in no additional reaction. But occasionally, somehow, this term "the other guy" seems to bug me as if it makes the donor more real.
I told my wife that when she says this it makes me feel like she knew him. The emotion it occasionally raises in me is not so much a feeling that she had an affair with "the other man" but it does elevate the donor above what his sole role was (that his genetic material was needed to create our children and that alone).
Our discussion tonight actually involved her discussing who she thought the kids looked like. Our son looks more like her than the picture we have of the donor as a toddler and our daughter we think bears some resemblance to the donor.
So tomorrow in the playground when someone says that one of my kids looks like me, I'll just smile, be amused, and say thank you as I always do.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Telling MY Parents About the Half Sibling
Just before returning a call to parents I told my wife I intended to tell my parents about our children's half sibling. I think my wife was a bit surprised at the timing and why I was doing this over the phone. Her response was a muted OK.
My parent's reactions were interesting. One parent's response was essentially why would you complicate your life? I had just explained that contact had been made, that eventually the kids would be told, and further that the kids would also someday meet. I understand this parent's point as now in addition to addressing the concept of donor conception the child will have to process and eventually reconcile that they have half sibling that is not part of their base nuclear family. I think this parent was addressing more my life than the children but the reaction actually applies to both levels.
The other parent's reaction was how did I find this half-sibling, what level of contact was made, and where are they from. As a point of reference we are in NYC and the half sibling is several states away. The donor contributed to a cryobank located in a third state. I provide this info as this parent did not realize that the donor was from outside NYS or how these cryobanks operate. I actually stated that I know this cryobank has relationships with others here in the USA as well as Canada so its quite posible there are others half-siblings out there that did not receive the donor's sperm directly from their base facility. The discusson with the second parent then went to discuss the DSR and how we heard of the DSR from an episode of Oprah.
My wife's reaction to all this was that now she guesses we need to tell her parents. She also asked me why again did we join the DSR and seek out his half sibling. My reaction was that we had agreed when we started DI that there would be no secrets and that any all info available we would provide to the kids (at the apropriate age levels - still researching that one) and that they had a right to know of half siblings if the half sibling is looking as well. Granted contact was made between the parental units from our side and the half sibling's not the kids themselves.
In summary MY parents now know and I am happy about telling them. Not sure what their reaction is when they discuss it without my being there.
My parent's reactions were interesting. One parent's response was essentially why would you complicate your life? I had just explained that contact had been made, that eventually the kids would be told, and further that the kids would also someday meet. I understand this parent's point as now in addition to addressing the concept of donor conception the child will have to process and eventually reconcile that they have half sibling that is not part of their base nuclear family. I think this parent was addressing more my life than the children but the reaction actually applies to both levels.
The other parent's reaction was how did I find this half-sibling, what level of contact was made, and where are they from. As a point of reference we are in NYC and the half sibling is several states away. The donor contributed to a cryobank located in a third state. I provide this info as this parent did not realize that the donor was from outside NYS or how these cryobanks operate. I actually stated that I know this cryobank has relationships with others here in the USA as well as Canada so its quite posible there are others half-siblings out there that did not receive the donor's sperm directly from their base facility. The discusson with the second parent then went to discuss the DSR and how we heard of the DSR from an episode of Oprah.
My wife's reaction to all this was that now she guesses we need to tell her parents. She also asked me why again did we join the DSR and seek out his half sibling. My reaction was that we had agreed when we started DI that there would be no secrets and that any all info available we would provide to the kids (at the apropriate age levels - still researching that one) and that they had a right to know of half siblings if the half sibling is looking as well. Granted contact was made between the parental units from our side and the half sibling's not the kids themselves.
In summary MY parents now know and I am happy about telling them. Not sure what their reaction is when they discuss it without my being there.
Friday, September 23, 2005
New Yahoo Discussion Group: DI_Dads
First off let me state I did not start this new group. It's stated description is as follows:
"This group is for dads whose children were conceived by donor insemination. It is not intended for the donors, but rather for the men who are actually raising or have raised children conceived by DI."
"This group is for dads whose children were conceived by donor insemination. It is not intended for the donors, but rather for the men who are actually raising or have raised children conceived by DI."
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/di_dads/
Sounds like a good place for Dads like me to gather and discuss our lives. I don't think I will be packing up my bags yet or shutting down this blog as I kind of like what I have begun. Hopefully others have as well. I think someone must have taken notice as I see this blog is one of the first links posted on the new group's links page. [Thank you for that!].
I wholeheartedly welcome any vehicle that will bring more Dads out in the open and take another step to bring Donor Insemination and Donor Conception out of the closet of the infertility field.
As an aside I hope folks looking at the Yahoo group's name "DI_Dads" don't become confused. For my own part I did rename this blog to try to cut down on misinterpretations of this blog's purpose.
Sounds like a good place for Dads like me to gather and discuss our lives. I don't think I will be packing up my bags yet or shutting down this blog as I kind of like what I have begun. Hopefully others have as well. I think someone must have taken notice as I see this blog is one of the first links posted on the new group's links page. [Thank you for that!].
I wholeheartedly welcome any vehicle that will bring more Dads out in the open and take another step to bring Donor Insemination and Donor Conception out of the closet of the infertility field.
As an aside I hope folks looking at the Yahoo group's name "DI_Dads" don't become confused. For my own part I did rename this blog to try to cut down on misinterpretations of this blog's purpose.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Birth Certificate as (1) Social Contract to DI Kids or (2) Falsifying Records
Lately I seem to be trolling the Internet to see if there are any other blogs dealing with DI or related issues. Generally I find sites where mothers are blogging and no fathers. What I found late last week was a post regarding SSM which as part of the writer's argument referred to listing the non biological parent on a child's birth certificate as illegal. The site I found this on was Family Scholars.org. It itself referenced the original blog Left2Right where the writer posted his views. My own view is that by listing my name as the father I am affirmatively stating my agreement to raise and care for the child. In effect entering into a contract with my spouse and the State. The position of the writer, a NYU professor, is that this violates the rights of the child. His position references a proposed UN resolution, that I must admit I have not yet read. The writer it should be noted was himself conceived via donor conception. I encourage all readers to view the exhange of views on the linked FamilyScholars page.
My own experience thus far has been that the majority of the adult community conceived via DI have had a negative experience as most grew up at a time when the stigma was much stroner and the info was withheld from the child and was usually only told when the child was older and the info taken as a surprise leading to shock and resentment.
Marty, a frequent commenter to this site, as part of the discussion posits that by listing the non-bio parent as the father we are cutting off the child's true history:
But what exactly have we formalized here? In addition to the expected responsibilities of fatherhood, you have formalized that your son’s biological father will remain unknown and anonymous, that your son has no particular right or expectation to know his biological origins, that his biological father can sign away any and all responsibility for his anonymously created offspring, and that adults can contract for hire to enjoy legal parenthood without the bonds of biological kinship. That’s a heck of a legacy for a child to have to grow into.
Again as I stated on the continuing within the continuing FamilyScholars discusion that many DI families created today plan to inform the children of their true conception and share what bio info they know of the donor. It is possible that the donor will always remain unknown? It is quite likely but if the story is told early enough and continuously it is my understanding that it is but one facet of the child's life and he or she will not believe their rights were violated. I believe many DI homes are just as loving if not more so that naturally created family structures. I don't have the facts but this is what I see from the posts I see on the DSR yahoo groups.
So in summary my position is that I am the Dad to these kids and the donor Father is not so my listing on the Birth Cert is evidence of that love and committment and if it is believed to replace the donor as father so be it.
My own experience thus far has been that the majority of the adult community conceived via DI have had a negative experience as most grew up at a time when the stigma was much stroner and the info was withheld from the child and was usually only told when the child was older and the info taken as a surprise leading to shock and resentment.
Marty, a frequent commenter to this site, as part of the discussion posits that by listing the non-bio parent as the father we are cutting off the child's true history:
But what exactly have we formalized here? In addition to the expected responsibilities of fatherhood, you have formalized that your son’s biological father will remain unknown and anonymous, that your son has no particular right or expectation to know his biological origins, that his biological father can sign away any and all responsibility for his anonymously created offspring, and that adults can contract for hire to enjoy legal parenthood without the bonds of biological kinship. That’s a heck of a legacy for a child to have to grow into.
Again as I stated on the continuing within the continuing FamilyScholars discusion that many DI families created today plan to inform the children of their true conception and share what bio info they know of the donor. It is possible that the donor will always remain unknown? It is quite likely but if the story is told early enough and continuously it is my understanding that it is but one facet of the child's life and he or she will not believe their rights were violated. I believe many DI homes are just as loving if not more so that naturally created family structures. I don't have the facts but this is what I see from the posts I see on the DSR yahoo groups.
So in summary my position is that I am the Dad to these kids and the donor Father is not so my listing on the Birth Cert is evidence of that love and committment and if it is believed to replace the donor as father so be it.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Symposium: THE FUTURE OF DONOR CONCEPTION: WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
An international symposium for patients, parents, offspring & professionals featuring speakers from the USA, the United Kingdom, Japan, New Zealand & Australia, as well as Canada.
Oct 22-23, 2005. 9:00am-4:00pm (Registration 8:30am) Michener Institute, 222 Saint Patrick St. (University/Dundas) in downtown Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
Click here or the post title above for the complete program pdf.
$75/person, $125/couple (Visa & Mastercard accepted) (A full refund, minus an administration fee of $25.00, will be made for registrations cancelled by Oct. 14/05. No refunds after that date.)
Due to a chronic lack of funds, the Infertility Network website is sadly out of date & cannot handle on-line registrations. Please register by:
* phone: 416-691-3611
* fax: 416-690-8015
* email: Info@InfertilityNetwork.org (send your credit card number & expiry date in separate emails if you prefer)
*download the registration form (pdf) here.
If your computer does not already have Adobe Acrobat Reader it can be downloaded for free via the below website:
http://www.adobe.com/products/acrobat/readstep2.html
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This blog is not associated with the Infertility Network and is not responsible for the content of either the program or the brochure. This blog does however fully support the Infertility Network in all its endeavors and purpose. This post is provided as a public service announcement to all those interested in the infertility community and those interested in this topic.
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Oct 22-23, 2005. 9:00am-4:00pm (Registration 8:30am) Michener Institute, 222 Saint Patrick St. (University/Dundas) in downtown Toronto, Ontario, Canada.
Click here or the post title above for the complete program pdf.
$75/person, $125/couple (Visa & Mastercard accepted) (A full refund, minus an administration fee of $25.00, will be made for registrations cancelled by Oct. 14/05. No refunds after that date.)
Due to a chronic lack of funds, the Infertility Network website is sadly out of date & cannot handle on-line registrations. Please register by:
* phone: 416-691-3611
* fax: 416-690-8015
* email: Info@InfertilityNetwork.org (send your credit card number & expiry date in separate emails if you prefer)
*download the registration form (pdf) here.
If your computer does not already have Adobe Acrobat Reader it can be downloaded for free via the below website:
http://www.adobe.com/products/acrobat/readstep2.html
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
This blog is not associated with the Infertility Network and is not responsible for the content of either the program or the brochure. This blog does however fully support the Infertility Network in all its endeavors and purpose. This post is provided as a public service announcement to all those interested in the infertility community and those interested in this topic.
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Saturday, September 17, 2005
Will Their Cousins Still Love Them?
I currently have two nieces by my only sister. These two girls are the only first cousins my kids currently have. My sister and her spouse are fully aware that my kids were conceived by donor insemination. I doubt my sister has ever mentioned the word donor to her kids and as they are also young (6 and under) I doubt that without explanation they could grasp the concept that their cousins were conceived via donor insemination. My concern is at the point when they are told and they actually understand will they treat my kids any differently?
I am already thinking ahead to some family gathering where a disagreement starts over some stupid toy and one of my nieces says something like "you are not my real cousin anyhow" or something cruel like that. How will my kids react to that?
The affects of disclosure are still to new to even guess at this point to us. We still haven't told our families about the half sibling yet. As a result they don't even know of this blog yet. We are still committed to continuing to inform our kids of their origins as we feel their right to know trumps any right we have to keep it private to avoid questions or negative comments from the outside at our, the parental level.
The issue of family is a tricky one. It's one thing for kids at the playground to learn, react and accept the next kids family structure or origin but how a kid reacts in the family itself I am guessing can have greater affects on the DI child's psyche. My son loves his cousins very very much. If they all of sudden, even innocently, if one of them commented that they were not real cousins it would hurt him very much. I think I want to start talking to my sister about this as maybe her kids need to start hearing the terms more frequently just as we tell our son so it just becomes a normal part of our lexicon and NOT something that comes as a surprise.
But just as I expect to someday hear my kids as struggling teenagers to answer me in anger that I am not their "real" father I guess my kids should expect the same from their cousins. Raising kids is going to be adventure enough without worrying about this stuff but what choice is there. At this point none.
I am already thinking ahead to some family gathering where a disagreement starts over some stupid toy and one of my nieces says something like "you are not my real cousin anyhow" or something cruel like that. How will my kids react to that?
The affects of disclosure are still to new to even guess at this point to us. We still haven't told our families about the half sibling yet. As a result they don't even know of this blog yet. We are still committed to continuing to inform our kids of their origins as we feel their right to know trumps any right we have to keep it private to avoid questions or negative comments from the outside at our, the parental level.
The issue of family is a tricky one. It's one thing for kids at the playground to learn, react and accept the next kids family structure or origin but how a kid reacts in the family itself I am guessing can have greater affects on the DI child's psyche. My son loves his cousins very very much. If they all of sudden, even innocently, if one of them commented that they were not real cousins it would hurt him very much. I think I want to start talking to my sister about this as maybe her kids need to start hearing the terms more frequently just as we tell our son so it just becomes a normal part of our lexicon and NOT something that comes as a surprise.
But just as I expect to someday hear my kids as struggling teenagers to answer me in anger that I am not their "real" father I guess my kids should expect the same from their cousins. Raising kids is going to be adventure enough without worrying about this stuff but what choice is there. At this point none.
Friday, September 16, 2005
New School - Concerns re Potty Training (A post that is not DI related)
We were notified today that my son, the 3 1/2 year old, got into a public school program here in the City that is close to us and supposedly very good. My first reaction was is he potty trained enough to get in. It's little events and thoughts like this that make you realize that raising kids whatever their method of creation is just that...raising kids.
If you love them and take care of them the issues surounding their birth are just parts of who they are, not defining characteristics (despite the title of this blog). The real issues are how you raise them and whether they'll grow to be good people. And if he has an accident or two in those first days of school, so be it. It's part of his life and ours.
If you love them and take care of them the issues surounding their birth are just parts of who they are, not defining characteristics (despite the title of this blog). The real issues are how you raise them and whether they'll grow to be good people. And if he has an accident or two in those first days of school, so be it. It's part of his life and ours.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Blog Name Changed : I am the Dad not the Donor of my DI Kids
There I did it. I changed the name of this blog. I liked the sound of the old name "Life as a Donor Insemination (DI) Dad" but the fact is that I am the Dad not the Donor. Hopefully this does not screw up some links but I think I made the right choice.
Janice, I know you voted for simply "I am the Dad" but I decided I wanted the name to be close as possible to the old name and also clearly indicate the main topic of this blog to be my relationship to my kids and referencing their creation. I want to hear from men who like me made this decision with their spouses or partners to be the Dad (or one of the two Dads) and not the biologically connected Donor.
This was a big switch for me folks as it seemed to me that the old title that I was more connected to my kids (no I do not imagine myself as the donor) but this title indicates as it should that I am the Dad by decision (and action) but not the physical action that we hoped would bring these kids into the world when I envisioned as a young man to becomming a father and dad (and I do believe these terms mean different things).
I love my kids and I know they love me.
Janice, I know you voted for simply "I am the Dad" but I decided I wanted the name to be close as possible to the old name and also clearly indicate the main topic of this blog to be my relationship to my kids and referencing their creation. I want to hear from men who like me made this decision with their spouses or partners to be the Dad (or one of the two Dads) and not the biologically connected Donor.
This was a big switch for me folks as it seemed to me that the old title that I was more connected to my kids (no I do not imagine myself as the donor) but this title indicates as it should that I am the Dad by decision (and action) but not the physical action that we hoped would bring these kids into the world when I envisioned as a young man to becomming a father and dad (and I do believe these terms mean different things).
I love my kids and I know they love me.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Searching for the Donor When the Children Haven't Asked
A continuing topic on the Donor Sibling Registry Yahoo Discussion Group has been whether to begin a search for the donor before the kids even indicate they are interested or when they are too small to even ask. The reasons for such a search include not losing any time before is too late and the donor may be lost, die or whatever to that of in case of an emergency. These discussions indicate that actual contact would not be made but just that the donor would be found and tracked for future reference.
I am not sure yet how I feel about this. My wife like others has very definitely announced her interest to me. I mentioned in an earlier post (Carrying on the Family Name) that my skills as an amateur genealogist might prove handy in any search. But I am not yet ready for this.
Do I consider the donor a threat to my position as father? Perhaps. Am I scared that the donor would want any continued role in my kid’s lives? Probably. Correction, that does bother me.
Another matter is if contact was made would I be disclosing the existence of the half-sibling we found where I have no right to do so? Then again when we (the half siblings) registered on the DSR we knew we were opening ourselves up to the donor finding us although our joint goals were (as I am guessing) to only find other half-sibs not so much the donor.
As I stated above I am not yet ready to entertain this question. Not yet but it’s a topic on continuing discussion on the DSR Discussion Group.
I am not sure yet how I feel about this. My wife like others has very definitely announced her interest to me. I mentioned in an earlier post (Carrying on the Family Name) that my skills as an amateur genealogist might prove handy in any search. But I am not yet ready for this.
Do I consider the donor a threat to my position as father? Perhaps. Am I scared that the donor would want any continued role in my kid’s lives? Probably. Correction, that does bother me.
Another matter is if contact was made would I be disclosing the existence of the half-sibling we found where I have no right to do so? Then again when we (the half siblings) registered on the DSR we knew we were opening ourselves up to the donor finding us although our joint goals were (as I am guessing) to only find other half-sibs not so much the donor.
As I stated above I am not yet ready to entertain this question. Not yet but it’s a topic on continuing discussion on the DSR Discussion Group.
September 11th – Then and Now
Four years ago like many New Yorkers I was living that day in a case of shock and just trying to get to my wife and get home. My wife was at that date approximately 2 to 3 months pregnant with our first child. Our home is in Manhattan and we used to have a view of the Twin Towers before they fell from our windows. Last night as on each anniversary since that date the City of New York as part of its commemoration lights up twin beams of blue lights directed towards the heavens.
Yesterday evening we watched the Discovery Channel documentary of Flight 93, the flight that crashed in Pennsylvania that fateful day. It was an amazing piece and through their re-creations brought you right back to that tragedy and the triumph of those heroes. I certainly recommend it being watched if you can catch it.
Last night I stood at what is now the window in my children’s room while they slept and I gazed out at those beams of light amazed how the world has changed hoping they see the world improve not take a step back to barbarism.
Yesterday evening we watched the Discovery Channel documentary of Flight 93, the flight that crashed in Pennsylvania that fateful day. It was an amazing piece and through their re-creations brought you right back to that tragedy and the triumph of those heroes. I certainly recommend it being watched if you can catch it.
Last night I stood at what is now the window in my children’s room while they slept and I gazed out at those beams of light amazed how the world has changed hoping they see the world improve not take a step back to barbarism.
Friday, September 09, 2005
Conservative Judaism and Donor Insemination
Before my wife and I started down the road of agreeing to use DI to create our kids I was concerned how my kids would be recognized under Jewish law. I was concerned whether the kids would be considered illegitimate and not have rights as Jews. This post links via it's title to a position paper titled "Artificial Insemination, Egg Donation, and Adoption" as originally published in The United Synagogue Review/Fall 1994 issue.
It basically states that under Jewish Law it is a commandment to create children and that where biologically that is not possible but where science can provide a method, including DI, the child is fully recognized as legitimate. As opposed to the law of the State of New York where I am the legal father, Jewish Law only certifies me as the agent for the donor who is deemed the father. Not exactly the result I wanted but my main concern of legitimacy was addressed positively.
The paper does not address naming traditions nor does it address whether the children would also be considered Kohanim or Leviim based on the social or biological father's heritage but I will leave that for another day.
It basically states that under Jewish Law it is a commandment to create children and that where biologically that is not possible but where science can provide a method, including DI, the child is fully recognized as legitimate. As opposed to the law of the State of New York where I am the legal father, Jewish Law only certifies me as the agent for the donor who is deemed the father. Not exactly the result I wanted but my main concern of legitimacy was addressed positively.
The paper does not address naming traditions nor does it address whether the children would also be considered Kohanim or Leviim based on the social or biological father's heritage but I will leave that for another day.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Where are the Dads of Donor Insemination Conceived Kids?
I am beginning to wonder where are the other dads like me? They must exist. I am curious how to find them. Do they wonder the same thoughts as me? Do they wrangle with thoughts of the donor? Why aren't they looking for others as well? Are they internalizing their thoughts? Are they reading books and do they have comments on them?
Here in the USA there appear to be few groups that address the social fathers of donor insemination conceived kids. I need to explore the UK Donor Conception Network site more to see what percentage of active members are the fathers. The same goes for the Australian Donor Support Group.
Is it perhaps the stigma that a donor was needed to create their children that keeps them from speaking up? I wonder.
Here in the USA there appear to be few groups that address the social fathers of donor insemination conceived kids. I need to explore the UK Donor Conception Network site more to see what percentage of active members are the fathers. The same goes for the Australian Donor Support Group.
Is it perhaps the stigma that a donor was needed to create their children that keeps them from speaking up? I wonder.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Renaming This Blog? Current Name Misleading?
I have realized over the past few weeks that perhaps I misnamed this blog. As I surf websites related to this topic it is clear that the actual donor is the individual referred to as the donor dad and I am the social dad. I must admit I like the sound of the current blog name.
Perhaps a new name should be "Life as the Father of Donor Insemination (DI) Kids" or something like that. Do you / I think the current name is confusing or misleading? Perhaps. I thought the sub title explained it clear enough but who knows maybe nobody reads the sub-title.
Any comments?
Perhaps a new name should be "Life as the Father of Donor Insemination (DI) Kids" or something like that. Do you / I think the current name is confusing or misleading? Perhaps. I thought the sub title explained it clear enough but who knows maybe nobody reads the sub-title.
Any comments?
Monday, August 29, 2005
Carrying on the Family Name
There is a strange but all to real pressure on men to have sons to carry on the family name. This pressure was only magnified internally by the infertility. Before we had my son I was always painfully aware that I was the last male among my father's children and among those of his siblings to have the family surname. What made it more evident in my life is that I am the family historian / genealogist. My son now bears the surname and he too may feel pressure down the road. My question as always is where a DI child accepts Mom and Dad as his parents what does the child think about the family that comes along with those parents? Do adoptive and DI children accept the adoptive parent's family tree as fact or a legal fiction?
For the record my uncle has only daughers and my father's other siblings were both women. For the record one had all daughters and the other all sons.
My response to the "carrying on the family name" comments growing up (pre knowledge of any infertility issues) was that while I am the last male bearing my grandfather's surname his brother had many male grandchildren of my generation. I would continue to state that "if it was to end with me it would continue with them and be no loss as we all issue from the same great grandfather".
These thoughts are all relevant as per the blogger Marty's comments to a few of my posts regarding the role of kinship (blood or not) in the relationship between DI children and the social father. It would be untruthful for me to say these issues have not played out in my mind. Again I turn to the fact that I love these kids and I expect I will have some interesting discussions with my son (and daughter) in the years to come.
One note that makes the issue of names interesting is that my wife kept her name after we were married. The children bear my surname. How this generation processes that difference will be interesting to see. Questions of why should Mommy's name disappear and not yours? But then again that is my brother-in-law's problem. He and his wife for the record have no children yet.
For the record my uncle has only daughers and my father's other siblings were both women. For the record one had all daughters and the other all sons.
My response to the "carrying on the family name" comments growing up (pre knowledge of any infertility issues) was that while I am the last male bearing my grandfather's surname his brother had many male grandchildren of my generation. I would continue to state that "if it was to end with me it would continue with them and be no loss as we all issue from the same great grandfather".
These thoughts are all relevant as per the blogger Marty's comments to a few of my posts regarding the role of kinship (blood or not) in the relationship between DI children and the social father. It would be untruthful for me to say these issues have not played out in my mind. Again I turn to the fact that I love these kids and I expect I will have some interesting discussions with my son (and daughter) in the years to come.
One note that makes the issue of names interesting is that my wife kept her name after we were married. The children bear my surname. How this generation processes that difference will be interesting to see. Questions of why should Mommy's name disappear and not yours? But then again that is my brother-in-law's problem. He and his wife for the record have no children yet.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Donor Related Books - Part Two
We received in the mail last night the book "Before You Were Born ... Our Wish for a Baby: Donor Insemination" that is available via www.XYandMe.com. It is a very cute book. The drawings are bright and cheerful and the DI story is told in a matter of fact way by the bear father to his cub son. The pictures are of every day life playing, house stuff, and not centered on medical views and glum looking parents. At the conclusion of the story the cub asks for another retelling of the story just as many kids keep wanting the story re-read to them over and over. I'd definitely recommend adding it to any library of books that DI parents use to inform their child of their beginnings. The author also has a blog Wishing for a Baby that is linked here and to the right on my main and archive pages.
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