One of the phrases I see a lot in stories about the moment that a donor conceived individual learns the truth of their conception is that they always felt different in some way from the man they always knew as their father. It's a comment that haunts me at times. It's not a comment I have heard from donor conceived individuals that have always known that their dad was not biologically related to them (as my kids "know") but still the comment haunts me.
I am not haunted by the knowledge that I expect my children during some argument we have once they hit their teenage years to say that I am not their real father. I am not haunted by this as I know it will happen and it will be the by-product of their reaching for something to hurt me during a normal parent - teenager argument. It will hurt, yes, but I will know it is as merely the equivalent of just trying to fight back.
But the "different" statement worries me as I wonder if I am subconciousnessly saying or acting in a way that my now young children would ever sense. As a dad I sometimes react too fast. I have said on this blog in earlier posts that I am not as patient a parent as I had expected or hoped to be. At times my son just does not listen and I tend to react, after asking him to do something several times something which he ignores, by stating I will take a favorite toy away (yesterday it was a chess trophy) when the act in question does not deserve such escalation.
On hindsight I wonder if he or his sister will bury these exchanges in their psyche and later interpret them as daddy treated me differently than he would a biological child. I know I am over thinking this but it is something I wonder about. Especially on a day after I have reacted too fast and a six year old now keeps stating that he wants me to throw away his chess trophy and doesn't care about it even after I have apologized and told him how proud I was to see him be presented with it.
I guess I am the one feeling different based on my own shortfalls as a parent.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Mandating Central Donor Registries Discussed in Today Show Segment
This past week the issue of donor conception and specifically the issue of mandatory donor registries was addressed. An interesting piece mostly because most news pieces simply focus on the kids searching for the donors and the message of mandating such registries was discussed and featured prominently as opposed to being just thrown out there and not addressed.
UPDATE: 9/22
For the reactions of an adult donor conceived individual to this video link over to "Whose Daughter?"
UPDATE: 9/22
For the reactions of an adult donor conceived individual to this video link over to "Whose Daughter?"
Thursday, September 18, 2008
1929 all over again?
The last three days have been pretty scary. I am watching sizeable chunks of my 401K retirement accounts being eaten away and tomorrow I need to act to stop the losses before it is too late. Years ago I woud have said to myself to just ride it out as there are many years until retirement. If this is as bad as the pundits say I don't think anyone can wait.
Why am I writing this here on a DI related blog? I am not sure. Of the several blogs I maintain, DI and non-DI related, I guess it is here I have spoken the most personally. I grew up in a house where my father changed jobs pretty often as the sales force always got laid off when times were tough and while we never really went without anything there were times when we knew it was months between my dad securing a new job. And you get accustomed to worrying about money.
After all the IVF attempts and other financial miscues we don't have a huge nest egg we can tap into if this market collapses. My job is not tied directly to the financial markets but most people don't realize how tied together everything is and I am a bit stressed right now. My greatest fear, at this moment, would be losing this apartment and not knowing where to go.
Sorry for the non-DI tangent but needed to get his out before I screamed and woke everyone up.
Why am I writing this here on a DI related blog? I am not sure. Of the several blogs I maintain, DI and non-DI related, I guess it is here I have spoken the most personally. I grew up in a house where my father changed jobs pretty often as the sales force always got laid off when times were tough and while we never really went without anything there were times when we knew it was months between my dad securing a new job. And you get accustomed to worrying about money.
After all the IVF attempts and other financial miscues we don't have a huge nest egg we can tap into if this market collapses. My job is not tied directly to the financial markets but most people don't realize how tied together everything is and I am a bit stressed right now. My greatest fear, at this moment, would be losing this apartment and not knowing where to go.
Sorry for the non-DI tangent but needed to get his out before I screamed and woke everyone up.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Donor Conception New York
In my quest to find other donor conceived children and families here in the NYC area it was asked of me whether a gathering sponsored by Donor Conception New York would be open to donor conceived adults to which my response was of course that it would be.
While many of my posts have discussed finding families to develop a local network with the concept and focus being the future of my kids the truth is that without that network being comprised of kids and adults from every age (and their families) such a network would lose out on the experiences of its members.
In the short term Donor Conception New York (the blog and yahoo group) are I hope vehicles to start and find new connections and work torwards a gathering or series of gatherings in late 2008 or most likely in 2009 in the NYC area. As to what the long term holds I cannot say as we first must see if the short term can be a reality.
The initial interest was encouraging but trying sustain that interest and find individuals is the greater trick. So if you are donor conceived or part of a donor conceived family here in the NYC area please say hello.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
SNL: Tina Fey and & Amy Poehler
I could not resist. I know this is not donor conception related but this video has had me laughing since last night.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Oct 4 Symposium: Putting Ethics At The Core Of Gamete Donation Practice
On Octiber 4, 2008, the Canadian group Infertility Network is sponsoring, in Toronto, an all day seminar titled "Getting it Right - Putting Ethics At The Core Of Gamete Donation Practice". I am attending both as a parent personally and as one of a few parents who will speak about our experiences.
When I was last at a Infertility Network symposium the number of attendees was about even with invited presenters. I encourage anyone who lives nearby to attend as the list of speakers / presenters is quite good. I am concerned as to what I can say as I have spoken my mind on most issues in print and on-line and I am unsure what I can bring to the seminar that is different. Like last time the presence of a DI Dad is an anomaly and interesting one to most people.
As far as speaking on the general topic about ethics, do I feel it was unethical to create two lives separating them from their genetic past?
The attorney in me wants to ask how could it have been unethical if I had no intent to be unethical and did not see the issue from that position when we made the decision to use DI. Grammatically I am not sure I worded that correctly but my point is like many infertile coupdles we were dealing with ourselves first and did not look at the issue from the perspective of the life (lives) we were creating. So perhaps then the answer is we were unethical as igmorance of a moral issue is probably no excuse.
Now that we are past ther act of creation, right or wrong, the next question is are we ethically raising these children in light of their conception story? I believe we are. We decided long ago that we were telling them their storiesas early as we could so we can build upon the story and fill in what blanks we can as time goes on. For us the only ethical issue left to us was solved when we decided to tell and te reaization that the children's interests are greater than ours in this respect.
More later.
When I was last at a Infertility Network symposium the number of attendees was about even with invited presenters. I encourage anyone who lives nearby to attend as the list of speakers / presenters is quite good. I am concerned as to what I can say as I have spoken my mind on most issues in print and on-line and I am unsure what I can bring to the seminar that is different. Like last time the presence of a DI Dad is an anomaly and interesting one to most people.
As far as speaking on the general topic about ethics, do I feel it was unethical to create two lives separating them from their genetic past?
The attorney in me wants to ask how could it have been unethical if I had no intent to be unethical and did not see the issue from that position when we made the decision to use DI. Grammatically I am not sure I worded that correctly but my point is like many infertile coupdles we were dealing with ourselves first and did not look at the issue from the perspective of the life (lives) we were creating. So perhaps then the answer is we were unethical as igmorance of a moral issue is probably no excuse.
Now that we are past ther act of creation, right or wrong, the next question is are we ethically raising these children in light of their conception story? I believe we are. We decided long ago that we were telling them their storiesas early as we could so we can build upon the story and fill in what blanks we can as time goes on. For us the only ethical issue left to us was solved when we decided to tell and te reaization that the children's interests are greater than ours in this respect.
More later.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Spouses of DI Dads - "New" Yahoo Group
Not sure how I missed this but apparently last year a spouse dealing with her husband's male factor infertility started a Yahoo Discussion Group titled "Spouses of DI_Dads". Her opening post stated the following reason for its creation:
I wish this "new' group luck as I think it can be a very valuable resource for women in marriages / relationships with men who are experiencing male factor infertility especially since while it is the man who may be infertile or unable to have kids etc it is the woman who has to go through a larger portion of the medical treatments while still trying to cope hereself while they both struggle to process what donor conception is etc.
"I have started this group becauseI needed a place to go where I can talk to other spouses who are dealing with the effects of trying to support somebody through the difficult aspect of DI. I have that there are not many groups that are dealing with the every day aspect of DI and the effects that it might have on a marriage.
I hope this group helps people who may be in the same situation as I am and are very confused, scared, and angry about what infertility is doing to their marriage and their future possibility of children."
I wish this "new' group luck as I think it can be a very valuable resource for women in marriages / relationships with men who are experiencing male factor infertility especially since while it is the man who may be infertile or unable to have kids etc it is the woman who has to go through a larger portion of the medical treatments while still trying to cope hereself while they both struggle to process what donor conception is etc.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Looking for NYC Metro Area Parents of Donor Conception Conceived Children - Are You Out There?
How many of you are from the NYC Tri-State area?
Would you consider getting together for a picnic in Central Park with your family?
If enough individuals are interested I would love to make such a gathering happen.
UPDATE:
Information regarding a possible NYC Gathering will be focused on a new Yahoo Discussion Group I created today and my existing related blog Donor Conception - New York.
Would you consider getting together for a picnic in Central Park with your family?
If enough individuals are interested I would love to make such a gathering happen.
UPDATE:
Information regarding a possible NYC Gathering will be focused on a new Yahoo Discussion Group I created today and my existing related blog Donor Conception - New York.
Video of Donor 1096 Half Sibs - Family Reunion
This video made me cry as it was a great representation of how these 6 kids appear to be adjusting well by their knowledge of their conception stories. OK, I admit this topic gets me emotional as I still have fears as to how my kids will process their own story as they get older.
There are many who feel that in a fashion parents like me essentialy brain wash our kids to feel OK about their conception and who later in life will, in their words, feel their loss greater. I fully believe it depends on the child so I push back when I hear blanket statements.
I wish my kids lived closer to their half sibling as I do wish all three of them could spend more time together. Seeing how the Donor 1096 sibs act with each other was a nice way to spend a few minutes during my lunch hour.
Eric Jacobson featured in the video is a member of the DI Dads Yahoo Group and I want to thank him for sharing this video:
There are many who feel that in a fashion parents like me essentialy brain wash our kids to feel OK about their conception and who later in life will, in their words, feel their loss greater. I fully believe it depends on the child so I push back when I hear blanket statements.
I wish my kids lived closer to their half sibling as I do wish all three of them could spend more time together. Seeing how the Donor 1096 sibs act with each other was a nice way to spend a few minutes during my lunch hour.
Eric Jacobson featured in the video is a member of the DI Dads Yahoo Group and I want to thank him for sharing this video:
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Another Month Gone By....
Over the past few days I have found myself increasingly curious what is out there regarding donor conception and even responded to a post I on the DSR blog on the DSR Yahoo Group. Essentially I still wish more men came to groups like the DI Dads Yahoo group so they can discuss their feelings / thoughts regarding DI with other men before they flatly tell their wives that as a couple they will never tell the children their conception stories.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Thoughts, repeated, this Father's Day
I wrote the below words last year as an op-ed piece for the NY Times which they never ran. They were my thoughts then and still apply today. I thought I would indulge myself and post them again today with this Sunday being Father's Day:
With Father's Day on the horizon my thoughts stray to the man whose gift allowed my children to come into being. This man is not the doctor or mid wife that delivered them. This man is their sperm donor. My children were conceived via Donor Insemination.
Without this man's gift, these children would never have come into being and into my and my wife's life. I am occasionally asked if I resent that this man could do what I could not. I can comfortably say I do not. On the contrary I want to thank him.
When I was diagnosed with non-obstructive azoospermia 12 years ago I was told that I should expect to never have children of my own. The fact that my children are not biologically linked to me has never lessened my love for them nor my belief that they are indeed my children. At the same time I am cognizant that there is another man whose role cannot be nor should be minimized.
To me he is and is not simply their donor. For now to my children he is in effect non-existent as they don't fully understand the concept of donor insemination. They have been told of their conception story and that a donor was used but this is still too much for them to truly comprehend as they are both less than six years old. Someday soon this will change and I wonder how that will play out. For now the knowledge of his existence rests with my wife and me and as I see it I have a responsibility to not let the truth of him fade away.
The lives of my children are as much connected to him as they are to me. I do not pretend to argue nurture is greater than nature but rather together play a role in these children's lives. I have his bios, medical, social, and educational. I have a toddler picture of him and a recording of his voice. All of this info is being saved for them as it is part of who they are.
Everyday I see articles addressing infertility and the use of donor conception from the side of the couples going through infertility, women choosing single motherhood, or lesbian or gay couples looking to start families. There are court cases around the country redefining what is family and who has the right to be legally defined as a parent or not. Under New York State law I am considered the legal father to my children. But despite that fact I know that someday my children will wonder about the man that is one half of their genetic make up.
Most heterosexual families of donor conceived children choose to never tell their children of the conception story fearing the child will turn against the social parent or for fear or shame of the perceived stigmas of using another person’s sperm or eggs to create their children. In my opinion these parents do so for their own reasons and not for the benefit of the children who have a right to the truth. I recently contributed an essay to a book series titled “Voices of Donor Conception” and have been increasingly involved in the discussions of these topics on the Internet.
The central issues surrounding donor conception, including donor anonymity, regulation and reform, have been or are being addressed in several countries around the world including Great Britain, Australia, New Zealand and Canada among others. The United States has not yet entered that discussion and currently there are no federal laws directly regulating the sale of gametes [i] nor are there any regulations imposed on the administration of the various cryobanks and clinics that solicit gamete donations and sell these gametes to the public. I am in favor of reforming the practices of this industry but I am not here today for that purpose.
I no longer fear the donor’s shadow but rather acknowledge his presence and if my children ask that his contribution be honored this or on a future Father’s Day I must honor their wishes if I am half the father I believe myself to be to them. So on their behalf I wish him a Happy Father’s Day and I say to him thank you for allowing me to do the same.
[i] “Reproduction and Responsibility: The Regulation of New Biotechnologies” The President's Council on Bioethics, Washington, D.C., March 2004, Chapter 6
With Father's Day on the horizon my thoughts stray to the man whose gift allowed my children to come into being. This man is not the doctor or mid wife that delivered them. This man is their sperm donor. My children were conceived via Donor Insemination.
Without this man's gift, these children would never have come into being and into my and my wife's life. I am occasionally asked if I resent that this man could do what I could not. I can comfortably say I do not. On the contrary I want to thank him.
When I was diagnosed with non-obstructive azoospermia 12 years ago I was told that I should expect to never have children of my own. The fact that my children are not biologically linked to me has never lessened my love for them nor my belief that they are indeed my children. At the same time I am cognizant that there is another man whose role cannot be nor should be minimized.
To me he is and is not simply their donor. For now to my children he is in effect non-existent as they don't fully understand the concept of donor insemination. They have been told of their conception story and that a donor was used but this is still too much for them to truly comprehend as they are both less than six years old. Someday soon this will change and I wonder how that will play out. For now the knowledge of his existence rests with my wife and me and as I see it I have a responsibility to not let the truth of him fade away.
The lives of my children are as much connected to him as they are to me. I do not pretend to argue nurture is greater than nature but rather together play a role in these children's lives. I have his bios, medical, social, and educational. I have a toddler picture of him and a recording of his voice. All of this info is being saved for them as it is part of who they are.
Everyday I see articles addressing infertility and the use of donor conception from the side of the couples going through infertility, women choosing single motherhood, or lesbian or gay couples looking to start families. There are court cases around the country redefining what is family and who has the right to be legally defined as a parent or not. Under New York State law I am considered the legal father to my children. But despite that fact I know that someday my children will wonder about the man that is one half of their genetic make up.
Most heterosexual families of donor conceived children choose to never tell their children of the conception story fearing the child will turn against the social parent or for fear or shame of the perceived stigmas of using another person’s sperm or eggs to create their children. In my opinion these parents do so for their own reasons and not for the benefit of the children who have a right to the truth. I recently contributed an essay to a book series titled “Voices of Donor Conception” and have been increasingly involved in the discussions of these topics on the Internet.
The central issues surrounding donor conception, including donor anonymity, regulation and reform, have been or are being addressed in several countries around the world including Great Britain, Australia, New Zealand and Canada among others. The United States has not yet entered that discussion and currently there are no federal laws directly regulating the sale of gametes [i] nor are there any regulations imposed on the administration of the various cryobanks and clinics that solicit gamete donations and sell these gametes to the public. I am in favor of reforming the practices of this industry but I am not here today for that purpose.
I no longer fear the donor’s shadow but rather acknowledge his presence and if my children ask that his contribution be honored this or on a future Father’s Day I must honor their wishes if I am half the father I believe myself to be to them. So on their behalf I wish him a Happy Father’s Day and I say to him thank you for allowing me to do the same.
[i] “Reproduction and Responsibility: The Regulation of New Biotechnologies” The President's Council on Bioethics, Washington, D.C., March 2004, Chapter 6
Sunday, June 08, 2008
School Charts and Family Trees
The following post is the text of a message I left on the Yahoo DI Dads Discussion group this evening:
It's been a while since I have posted and I admit I have not been checking in as much as I used to due mostly to the fact that being aDI Dad has not realy been in the forefront of my mind lately. My mind has been busy with just being a dad, husband, breadwinner etc.
Anyhow tonight I was reading to my 6 year old before bedtime and we ran out of books to read so I grabbed the "Let Me Explain" book byJane Schnitter. This is the book where the story is told by a 7 or 8 year old girl how she was born using donor insemination.
I am not exactly sure why I chose this book but I have to think it had something to do with a sibling / family addition chart his kindergarten class had in school where I noticed a few days ago that my son had added a male sibling where he does not have one. I had asked him at school how he came to have a brother when he knows its just him and his sister and he merely indicated he had wanted a brother. I told him if anything he could include his female halfsibling as she really does exist. I realized however to include her would require using the term "sister" which in our home we do not use to describe this little girl. I did not say that to him but Iwondered if he would make the connection.
After reading the "Let Me Explain" book which spoke about how the little girl got her genes from her mom and some from the donor I decided to draw out a family tree so my son could see the relationship between himself and others in our extended family. As an aside I have to say that we use the term "donor" in our housewhere there are folks out there that use less clinical words. It is how we started and how the kids know the man whose sperm helped create them. My son also has a problem saying or remembering the word "donor" so occasionally he will say "owner" (how I hear it) which he finds amusing as to him he is only saying "onor" and gets embarrased by his forgetting the "d".
Anyway we drew out the chart including the donor and my children's half sibling as well as her mom (they are a single mommy family). We also included my sister and her family as well as my wife's brother and his family. We also drew out all of the individuals who reside in my children's grandparent's generation and their parents as well. Let's just say the page was getting a little crowded.
While drawing the chart for purposes of showing shared genes I drew the lines to my kids as solid lines from my wife and the donor and a dotted line from me to the kids. My son later drew over this dotted line as a solid line conecting me to him and his sister. I will admit I smiled at that not truly knowing what made him do that or really why. I can say to myself he did it to make me more real but (1) I know I am real so that thought is silly and (2) I have no idea what he was thinking and I should have asked to see what he would say but the moment passed quickly.
When we finished the rough hand sketched chart he asked if he could bring it to school and I paused and stated that we should wait before he does that. He did not push the issue so I was not required to say why or why not I had made that decision which I was happy about as I was not ready to answer it myself despite the fact that some of the other parents already know our story.
All in all an interesting week as I had not been thinking about thisstuff too much lately.
I hope everyone is well and not getting a Summer cold which I nowhave and truly is annoying in 100 degree temps in the NYC subwaysystem.
Eric
It's been a while since I have posted and I admit I have not been checking in as much as I used to due mostly to the fact that being aDI Dad has not realy been in the forefront of my mind lately. My mind has been busy with just being a dad, husband, breadwinner etc.
Anyhow tonight I was reading to my 6 year old before bedtime and we ran out of books to read so I grabbed the "Let Me Explain" book byJane Schnitter. This is the book where the story is told by a 7 or 8 year old girl how she was born using donor insemination.
I am not exactly sure why I chose this book but I have to think it had something to do with a sibling / family addition chart his kindergarten class had in school where I noticed a few days ago that my son had added a male sibling where he does not have one. I had asked him at school how he came to have a brother when he knows its just him and his sister and he merely indicated he had wanted a brother. I told him if anything he could include his female halfsibling as she really does exist. I realized however to include her would require using the term "sister" which in our home we do not use to describe this little girl. I did not say that to him but Iwondered if he would make the connection.
After reading the "Let Me Explain" book which spoke about how the little girl got her genes from her mom and some from the donor I decided to draw out a family tree so my son could see the relationship between himself and others in our extended family. As an aside I have to say that we use the term "donor" in our housewhere there are folks out there that use less clinical words. It is how we started and how the kids know the man whose sperm helped create them. My son also has a problem saying or remembering the word "donor" so occasionally he will say "owner" (how I hear it) which he finds amusing as to him he is only saying "onor" and gets embarrased by his forgetting the "d".
Anyway we drew out the chart including the donor and my children's half sibling as well as her mom (they are a single mommy family). We also included my sister and her family as well as my wife's brother and his family. We also drew out all of the individuals who reside in my children's grandparent's generation and their parents as well. Let's just say the page was getting a little crowded.
While drawing the chart for purposes of showing shared genes I drew the lines to my kids as solid lines from my wife and the donor and a dotted line from me to the kids. My son later drew over this dotted line as a solid line conecting me to him and his sister. I will admit I smiled at that not truly knowing what made him do that or really why. I can say to myself he did it to make me more real but (1) I know I am real so that thought is silly and (2) I have no idea what he was thinking and I should have asked to see what he would say but the moment passed quickly.
When we finished the rough hand sketched chart he asked if he could bring it to school and I paused and stated that we should wait before he does that. He did not push the issue so I was not required to say why or why not I had made that decision which I was happy about as I was not ready to answer it myself despite the fact that some of the other parents already know our story.
All in all an interesting week as I had not been thinking about thisstuff too much lately.
I hope everyone is well and not getting a Summer cold which I nowhave and truly is annoying in 100 degree temps in the NYC subwaysystem.
Eric
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Meeting Their Half Sibling - Again
Tomorrow we drive South so the kids can spend the weekend with their half sibling. We are staying at their house and the kids are real excited. Tonight was Purim so the kids were up later than usual and we are hoping that does not throw their schedule out of whack. Big day of driving and hopefully the kids are good. Exciting stuff.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Blog Maintenance and Modifications
My goal is over the next week to work on this blog changing its look and physical composition. Adding maybe another column and stuff like that and re-organizing the sidebar which is terribly out of date and a mess. It's a dream but maybe I can get to it.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
When Infertility Issues Are No Longer the Issue....
Over the last two weeks or so I have been reading the blog of a person many of us in the infertlity related on-line world have come to see as a friend. The pain she is writing about now is not one of lost cycles but of the fears she and her husband are facing. The issue is now the possible diagnosis of her husband having liver cancer and / or testicular cancer.
I am referring to Max and Vee. Many of us recall Max's male infertility related blog, Dynamo Dad, until he stopped writing it choosing to focus on other pursuits while he and Vee continued on their quest for a baby via DI. The videos they have submitted to the three International Infertility Film Festivals held to date, have each been wonderful and usually have garnered many positive comments for how perfectly the video the submissions nailed each festival's theme. Their entry to the Third IIFF "The Recipe" is just one example.
For all of us the issue is clear that we all pray that they find no cancer and these two wonderful people not be plaqued any further with such pain and fear. It is said that life is not fair. It is not right for life to be cruel to anyone much less a couple such as these two. My thoughts are very much on these two. I hope perhaps that your thoughts will think of them too. They say positive energy has amazing powers. Perhaps this energy can help from across the globe.
I am referring to Max and Vee. Many of us recall Max's male infertility related blog, Dynamo Dad, until he stopped writing it choosing to focus on other pursuits while he and Vee continued on their quest for a baby via DI. The videos they have submitted to the three International Infertility Film Festivals held to date, have each been wonderful and usually have garnered many positive comments for how perfectly the video the submissions nailed each festival's theme. Their entry to the Third IIFF "The Recipe" is just one example.
For all of us the issue is clear that we all pray that they find no cancer and these two wonderful people not be plaqued any further with such pain and fear. It is said that life is not fair. It is not right for life to be cruel to anyone much less a couple such as these two. My thoughts are very much on these two. I hope perhaps that your thoughts will think of them too. They say positive energy has amazing powers. Perhaps this energy can help from across the globe.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
DNA Tests and Pre-Existing Conditions - Insurance Fears
There is an interesting article on line in the New York Times, February 24, 2008, regarding DNA tests and fears regarding insurance coverage. I have often wondered if this could be a problem regarding testing the DNA of my children and that of their donor (via sperm vials I still have in storage).
The article was written by Amy Harmon for the Times who covers many of these medical issues as well as the donor conception series she ran a couple of years ago. I am tempted to write to her about this angle but I would be more concerned on he insurance industry picking on the concern and causing long term problems.
My gut is if you test the "donor only" the child cannot be held to a pre-existing condition if te condition has not been diagnosed as being current and real. the problems mightbegin if you test and disclose the results of any tests on the children.
The article was written by Amy Harmon for the Times who covers many of these medical issues as well as the donor conception series she ran a couple of years ago. I am tempted to write to her about this angle but I would be more concerned on he insurance industry picking on the concern and causing long term problems.
My gut is if you test the "donor only" the child cannot be held to a pre-existing condition if te condition has not been diagnosed as being current and real. the problems mightbegin if you test and disclose the results of any tests on the children.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Second Meetings….Postponed
Tomorrow it’s supposed to snow. I hope it really snows bad. We were supposed to be driving South to spend the weekend with “T” and her mom at their house. When I told my son that due to the weather we were postponing the trip he was very very upset and crying uncontrollably.
Now as he is my child I know he was crying for a number of reasons including not being able to see his half sibling who he was very much looking forward to seeing. He was also crying as the trip was an adventure and a chance to be in a rent-a-car. He was also crying as he wants very badly to see “T”’s puppy before the dog is no longer a puppy. The boy has wanted a dog for as long as I can remember.
It’s hard to say how much a 5 year old, sorry 5 ¾ year old, can miss another child, they really barely know each other but I guess at their ages (“T” turned 5 last month) they can sense at least what we already know that they are connected in some way beyond just being a friend.
Certainly we treat the relationship differently than a simple friend. We have a few pictures of our kids with “T” around and they periodically view the home movies of them with T from their first and only meeting (weekend) to date. When we talk about being created with the help of a donor we always refer to T as well as her story as it is part of their story. So for our kids to know “T” is someone special and above other mere mortals is not surprising, so when a planned weekend we have been talking about on and off for some time is postponed it is natural that the kids should be disappointed and be upset.
So I hope it really snows bad up and down the Northeast and Middle Atlantic seaboard so I can justify to my kids, and ourselves, why they are not seeing “T” this weekend.
Now as he is my child I know he was crying for a number of reasons including not being able to see his half sibling who he was very much looking forward to seeing. He was also crying as the trip was an adventure and a chance to be in a rent-a-car. He was also crying as he wants very badly to see “T”’s puppy before the dog is no longer a puppy. The boy has wanted a dog for as long as I can remember.
It’s hard to say how much a 5 year old, sorry 5 ¾ year old, can miss another child, they really barely know each other but I guess at their ages (“T” turned 5 last month) they can sense at least what we already know that they are connected in some way beyond just being a friend.
Certainly we treat the relationship differently than a simple friend. We have a few pictures of our kids with “T” around and they periodically view the home movies of them with T from their first and only meeting (weekend) to date. When we talk about being created with the help of a donor we always refer to T as well as her story as it is part of their story. So for our kids to know “T” is someone special and above other mere mortals is not surprising, so when a planned weekend we have been talking about on and off for some time is postponed it is natural that the kids should be disappointed and be upset.
So I hope it really snows bad up and down the Northeast and Middle Atlantic seaboard so I can justify to my kids, and ourselves, why they are not seeing “T” this weekend.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Picking a Donor Based on Their Silhouette ?
I saw online this evening that Fairfax Cryobank is now offering donor silhouettes. Based on the celebrity silhouettes I don't think many couples will truly use this as a determining factor but you never know.
I guess it seems unlikely but who knows maybe if someone looked at a profile and saw the donor had a nose or jaw line that protruded too much / too little perhaps they would rethink that donor but who knows.
Based on the below silhouette profiles I am not sure I would have chosen any of these guys despite now knowing their celebity pedigree. Also it is me or does the Tom Cruise profile look like scary old man?
I may be opening up a can of worms but somehow this topic made me think of this very funny People for Ethical Treatment of Animals ad:
I guess it seems unlikely but who knows maybe if someone looked at a profile and saw the donor had a nose or jaw line that protruded too much / too little perhaps they would rethink that donor but who knows.
Based on the below silhouette profiles I am not sure I would have chosen any of these guys despite now knowing their celebity pedigree. Also it is me or does the Tom Cruise profile look like scary old man?
I may be opening up a can of worms but somehow this topic made me think of this very funny People for Ethical Treatment of Animals ad:
Monday, February 11, 2008
A Second Meeting, One Year 6 Months Later
In August 2006, my kids first met their half sibling "T", and at the end of this month, if all goes as planned, the kids will meet for a second time.
During the last year they have exchanged cards, drawings and the occasional phone call. My kids have watched the video of themselves with "T" numerous times and see the picture of them all together whenever it has not fallen behind my son's dresser.
This meeting will be quite different than the first as it is not on the neutral ground of the hotel we met in and the first day we spent at a theme park. We are traveling to "T's house and per the plan staying with "T" and her mom. I expect the kids will have lots of fun and also get on each other's nerves by the time the weekend finishes.
We thought about doing the tourist thing in "T"'s city and I am sure there will be a bit of that but for right now just the thought of the kids playing in the backyard and hanging out is enough for me to hope for and see them reacquaint themselves with each other. Building any real relationship takes time and familiarity.
Probably until they are all a few years older a true relationship will not fully take hold. But for now just seeing them have some fun and begin to build some memories is all I can really hope for.
During the last year they have exchanged cards, drawings and the occasional phone call. My kids have watched the video of themselves with "T" numerous times and see the picture of them all together whenever it has not fallen behind my son's dresser.
This meeting will be quite different than the first as it is not on the neutral ground of the hotel we met in and the first day we spent at a theme park. We are traveling to "T's house and per the plan staying with "T" and her mom. I expect the kids will have lots of fun and also get on each other's nerves by the time the weekend finishes.
We thought about doing the tourist thing in "T"'s city and I am sure there will be a bit of that but for right now just the thought of the kids playing in the backyard and hanging out is enough for me to hope for and see them reacquaint themselves with each other. Building any real relationship takes time and familiarity.
Probably until they are all a few years older a true relationship will not fully take hold. But for now just seeing them have some fun and begin to build some memories is all I can really hope for.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Reactions to Yesterday’s Oprah Episode Regarding Donor Insemination
Overall my reaction to this Oprah show episode is that we need to engage Dr. Matthew Niedner as a face and voice to promote donor conception reformation and regulation. The former donor very eloquently spoke that the industry is still the “wild, wild west “and needs to be regulated. Wendy Kramer pointed out in support that there are a number of donor listings on the Donor Sibling Registry that by the sheer number of half siblings proves that point.
Overall the most moving segments of the show involved the video meeting of Stacey Smedley and Chris her half sibling. These two could have been twins and watching the video of them not being able to take their eyes off each other was amazing.
The segment with the live and video interviews of the adult donor offspring (Kristina, Susan, Kathleen and Katrina) was moving but for me nothing new as each of their stories (or stories like theirs) I had heard before. I don’t say that to belittle what they said at all but after two and a half years I am fully cognizant of the range of emotions each of these woman have. It is these emotions that keep me blogging (albeit not as often) as my children may go through each of these emotions. Two of these women knew from very early on their conception story just as my children do.
When I went to the Oprah website this evening I saw two or three discussion threads in reaction to the show. One was 76 comments in length and another 4 comments in length when I visited the site. I started to draft a comment but it got lost when I disabled my pop up blocker. I was reacting to a single comment about where were the dads like me to the guests who had dads like me. The truth is the story is about the donor conceived individuals themselves and the donors. Yes we dads have our own story but I don’t see Oprah doing a show on us dads anytime soon. The story should always be about the individuals created in this unregulated system and how these individuals cope and process the story of their creation.
All in all there was not to much new for me to learn by this episode. For someone brand new to the topic I think it was worthwhile. I think the biggest positive was it was not sensationalistic, its brings the issue back into the public eye, and the number of visitors to the Donor Sibling Registry will again spike tonight leading to many more matches of half siblings and perhaps a few donors to offspring who desire such connections be found.
Wendy, Ryan – You both looked great. My regards to both of you!
And yes I checked our donor # on the DSR and it’s still just my two kids and “T” their half sibling.
Overall the most moving segments of the show involved the video meeting of Stacey Smedley and Chris her half sibling. These two could have been twins and watching the video of them not being able to take their eyes off each other was amazing.
The segment with the live and video interviews of the adult donor offspring (Kristina, Susan, Kathleen and Katrina) was moving but for me nothing new as each of their stories (or stories like theirs) I had heard before. I don’t say that to belittle what they said at all but after two and a half years I am fully cognizant of the range of emotions each of these woman have. It is these emotions that keep me blogging (albeit not as often) as my children may go through each of these emotions. Two of these women knew from very early on their conception story just as my children do.
When I went to the Oprah website this evening I saw two or three discussion threads in reaction to the show. One was 76 comments in length and another 4 comments in length when I visited the site. I started to draft a comment but it got lost when I disabled my pop up blocker. I was reacting to a single comment about where were the dads like me to the guests who had dads like me. The truth is the story is about the donor conceived individuals themselves and the donors. Yes we dads have our own story but I don’t see Oprah doing a show on us dads anytime soon. The story should always be about the individuals created in this unregulated system and how these individuals cope and process the story of their creation.
All in all there was not to much new for me to learn by this episode. For someone brand new to the topic I think it was worthwhile. I think the biggest positive was it was not sensationalistic, its brings the issue back into the public eye, and the number of visitors to the Donor Sibling Registry will again spike tonight leading to many more matches of half siblings and perhaps a few donors to offspring who desire such connections be found.
Wendy, Ryan – You both looked great. My regards to both of you!
And yes I checked our donor # on the DSR and it’s still just my two kids and “T” their half sibling.
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