Mother Earth’s Flower Shop

Years ago I participated in the International Infertility Film Festival. A home grown group of bloggers contributing videos posted on YouTube with a common set of hashtags. This was always a favorite posted by Melissa Ford aka of the Stirrup Queens blog that continues today posted under The Towncriers avatar she also used at that time. A fun video not specifically about donor conception but about all families created via ART and adoption. 

https://youtu.be/PuDTQhomxg4

http://www.stirrup-queens.com/

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There is More Said the Troll

Just read a fast blog piece over at Scary Mommy where a mom describes her children's story from telling, school pictures that look like sperm to what it's like having donor siblings. She also describes her feelings about it all. Basic stuff. 

The kids are still young so no issues discussed re finding a donor etc. I am getting jaded as I want sometimes to interject. I don't want ever to be that troll commenting on another persons story. But sometimes you do. 

https://www.scarymommy.com/kids-have-sperm-donor-siblings/

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DNA Sample Received

They have received my daughter's DNA sample. Six to eight weeks now before her results will be ready.

Our Goal as Parents to DC Children

The following is a comment I just posted on a donor conception FB group in response to a post that a couple is experiencing conflict where the expecting dad wants to minimize the donors role in many respects: 

“Anyone that has seen my comments know I believe in full disclosure as early as possible in a donor conceived child’s life. The reasons are supported by many studies that the earlier its know the less pain and betrayal if any will exist later. This can’t be a secret to the child as it’s their right to know who they are. 

The donor does not have to be a major focus but at the same time to minimize the donor is to minimize and possible delegitimize half of who the child is. Doing that can seriously create self worth issues etc. I don’t want to create arguments here and I will respect everyone’s views but the goal must always be the best interests of the child. Using DI or DE is a decision we make as parents not one they asked for. They deserve truth in all respects. Our feelings as parents must be secondary to their mental and physical health. As parents I can’t imagine anyone not wanting that as their goal.”

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1000 Half Siblings?

Could this be true? The number is staggering. 

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/son-of-super-sperm-donor-learns-he-has-1-000-siblings-sswk3zsp0

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Sperm Donor Meets Children and Girlfriend Online. Their Children

This should be an interesting read.  

Note one fear that some DI Dads have is that their spouse will developed feelings for their donor. Presumably there is no social non bio dad in this story. 

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/28/style/modern-love-how-i-met-my-children.html

I will read later and add comments. 

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Reactions to Jarring Experiences Linked Article

The article I linked to a few days ago (and below) had me thinking about the many different ways individuals are now learning they are donor conceived or where individuals are discovering that their biological fathers donated sperm years earlier resulting in half siblings they would never have considered to exist.  It also made me think about terminology and relationships between those interviewed and their donors and the parents that raised them.

Tomorrow, Monday, I will pick up from the post office the 23andMe kit my daughter requested I purchase for her.  Her brother and she had previously used the Ancestry dot com kit with their mom.  But Z wanted to now use the same kit / service that their only known half sibling sister had used.  So far their half sister's kit has produced no additional half siblings.  But we want to at least see if the 23andMe database links them together as we expect it should.

The truth is we know of at least one additional half sibling out there.  As I have written in the past the donor did report to the cryobank that he had a biological daughter directly presumably through a marriage.  If this child now pre-teen or teen ever submits her own kit looking to learn about her own genetic make up or ancestry she we would expect would also be linked as a 50% sibling to our sibling group.

I wonder how the donor will react to his child asking to purchase such a kit.  He must follow and see in the news that these genetic kits have resulted in breaking the promise of anonymity.  Will he let his child or children use such kits. Certainly when there are adults he will not be able to control such decisions.  Imagine years from now his daughter with her own children submitting a kit and learning as an adult that she is connected to this group.

There was an argument the other day on the DSR Facebook group about respecting donor anonymity.  By  purchasing the 23andMe kit am I walking down the slippery slope of breaking my legal agreement to respect the anonymity of my children's donor?  Probably, but they did not sign such an agreement.

Getting back to the article. 

There are several stages non bio or social parents go through once they have donor conceived kids.  One such stage or fear is that once the donor is found that he or she will replace the non bio parent in some form in the mind and heart of our child.  Selfishly I admit smiling when Amy who is described in the article beginning states that she does not think of her donor as her dad even though he is obviously her biological father. At least one other individual interviewed viewed the parent that raised them as their dad.  Again one for my side.  As with many issues, terminology becomes important to how you process information.

Amy like my kids did not find out via a fight or my deathbed.  They like her have always known.  But unlike her they don't have the right to initiate contact through their cryobank.  In that they are unlucky and I worry whether this causes them pain, spoken or unspoken. This is my greatest fear.  My own pain or discomfort are truly secondary but none the less also real.

The article also discussed validation.  Validation from the donor recognizing and acknowledging the donor conceived individual And self validation where an individual always felt there was a disconnect from the family or parent that raised them.  Not necessarily in a negative way but just that something felt different or did not match up.  Perhaps personality wise, or hair color, or for whatever reason.   My own daughter, granted she is sometimes a pain the rear end  teen, feels I am a complete nerd and she being so cool it is obvious we are not blood relations.

I think the sections of the article that I found the most painful were the interviews that detailed the secrecy where individuals were not told and it was clear that there was no plan or even intent to ever tell.  These stories were filled with pain and even betrayal.  I and my ex-wife never wanted to cause such pain and its one of the primary reasons we told our kids early.  We have not gone out of our way to tell everyone in the world as it the children's story. Although this blog sort of blows that goal out of the water.

There is truly so much more I can react to in the article but I think I need to stop for now.  Please read the article and let me know your reactions.

https://tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/yw4wzy/the-jarring-experience-of-learning-you-were-conceived-with-donor-sperm-or-eggs

All Super Heroes Should Know Their Origin Story

As seen on the Facebook feed for DonorChildren:

" #DonorChildren member Chloe13, Chloe Elizabeth, #DonorConceived adult goes to the street in #Melbourne #Australia to ask people about #DonorConception.  Fantastic!! #RUDC"

I have seen other videos by one of the two young women in the video, Chloe Elizabeth, and they are very good.  Many of the videos post by members of the DonorChildren community are very good as many of the individuals are quite articulate in their feelings and thoughts.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=share&v=OvI2lfqC36Y
 

Best Book re Explaining Donor Conception to a Child

It's been many years since my teens were little and my kids have "known" since they were 2 and newborn that they were donor conceived. It has always been a part of their conscious story of who they are. Books like this helped explain what they knew but were too young to understand.

As they grow into adults they will have many questions, some of which I have answers for, and many I will not be able to answer for them.

Books like this though helped them to take first steps to processing it all. Parents should ask themselves many questions before they start a donor conception journey but books like this are a must have if you do.

It's not published anymore and it's rarely on eBay and other book resellers but worth finding. These days it might be on line as a pdf for all I know.

Jarring Experiences ...

The number of individual stories out there is unreal. There are points where I feel reading them is overwhelming. Yet I read so many of them. Sometimes I feel guilt. Sometimes I feel joy living through each.  I often wonder what my teens are thinking. They are at those ages where sharing with their mid 50+ year old dad is not cool.

Here is yet another article describing varied experiences. This one published yesterday. Is it me or are there new articles every week. So many stories so many web sites. The last 16 years it has increased and increased. 

https://tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/yw4wzy/the-jarring-experience-of-learning-you-were-conceived-with-donor-sperm-or-eggs

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What was I expecting? One Mother Tells Her Adult Daughter the Truth.

What was I expecting? Cries of hidden truths? Lies?  Maybe I was. Too often I have heard stories of adults learning they were donor conceived and their resulting sense of betrayal and confusion. I expected that here. 

Spoiler alert. The result here was one of mother and daughter simply crying at sharing something so intently personal and nothing more, at least in so far as the article covers it, about why the secret was kept etc. 

I think this is rare. Not impossible. I still argue for openness from an early age. Worth reading for one more perspective. 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2018/09/21/what-happened-when-i-told-my-adult-daughter-she-was-conceived-with-a-donor-egg/

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What woke me up?

With this post I have written this month the same number of posts as the last three calendar years.

Not sure why. But part is a donor conceived teen who is getting curious about her donor.  I never stopped reading posts on Facebook groups and other forums.  Just finding myself wanting to out it out there in my own words again here.


Let me know what you think.

Book Review : Three Makes Baby

I implicitly trust Olivia Montuschi and she posted today a book review I invite couples thinking about donor conception to read. 

https://oliviasview.wordpress.com/2018/09/20/the-book-i-wish-i-had-written-three-makes-baby-how-to-parent-your-donor-conceived-child/

 

 

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Blurred Identity

As seen on the Instagram feed of @donorconceived :

https://world.wng.org/2018/09/dear_anonymous_dad

Sisterly Love

Media Request for a TV show:

"A 1/2 sibling group that has 4-6 Sisters who are close in age - between the ages of 21-35 who are willing to move in together for 3 months to bond as sisters. They may already know each other. Maybe they have met once. Maybe 2 of them are already close. Filming this series would be in essence their job and yes, they do get paid per episode. It would be filmed over 8 weeks and could begin filming in May (however March would be ideal). Ideally the majority of the sisters live in one city, and maybe only 2 have to relocate. These sisters would need to be part of a larger sibling group so that in each episode they are meeting new siblings and are continuing their search for families.  Perhaps they try to start a family business, perhaps they meet their donor dad, perhaps they double date  - but the backbone of the series is their growing bond as sisters. Obviously the women have to be funny, confident and able to carry a show  - not wall flowers."  Please email me your story, addressing the details above.  wendy@donorsiblingregistry.com”

My response on seeing this:

Interesting. Like Big Brother without the immunity necklace and no prize to shoot for other than sisterly love. My kids will be watching for sure. I think.

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Note: Above image of Sisterly Love is my own creation and not an official name for the proposed program.

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Lifting the veil of secrecy around donor conception

Article by Joe Hinchliffe

9 September 2018

Sydney Morning Herald

"Imagine you take a DNA test only to discover more than you bargained for.

Perhaps you hoped to have Viking blood, Indigenous heritage, to be a long-lost descendent of royalty or to harbour traces of ancient Neanderthal genes.

But imagine instead you discover the man you've called dad your whole life is not your biological father.

Your biological father is a sperm donor."

Link to full article….

 

https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/health-and-wellness/lifting-the-veil-of-secrecy-around-donor-conception-20180909-p502pg.html

 

 

 

 

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Your Order is On It’s Way

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ICSI can pass on Male Factor Infertility

The following text is from a tweet posted by @Damian_H_Adams

"It is sad that male infertility is often overlooked. Previously it was primarily donor sperm which does nothing to solve his infertility. ICSI does not treat the cause and can potentially pass on male factor infertility to the next generation."

ICSI for those now aware of the procedure is when viable sperm are harvested from an otherwise infertile man via a biopsy procedure and the sperm are injected directly into a woman's eggs. The resulting zygote / embryo will then be implanted or released into the woman's uterus with the hope of implantation.  As stated above if the man suffers from male factor infertility it is quite possible the resulting male child may inherit that same condition.

It is very true but many feel donor conception is a cure for infertility. If anything it just side steps the problem and creates many new issues for the individual created that they will have to deal with.

https://www.bbc.com/news/health-45419545

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Truth vs Deception

In the last 15 years I have met a number of individuals conceived under the various systems in the English speaking world. The systems have changed a lot in some of the countries. You hear parents say love trumps all. In truth it does not. But truth gives most individuals a place to start allowing each person the ability to start processing their story without deception or hidden truths. Not having your story or medical info sucks and I can't imagine. But with truth it allows a base to start that is solid for trust to exist.

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Things you learn on social media ....

In the past week to ten days there were a number of stories, events I wanted to blog about.  Just getting to it now.  If Blogger supported an app that would work on my iPhone I would be writing more often.

Instagram feed:  Donor_siblings

Via one of the Facebook groups, I believe the DSR group, there was an article I saw I think in the Washington Post that spoke about a 40 person donor conceived group with an age span of 1 to 21 I believe.  That is insane.  And the donor is  now known to the group members.  I am assuming and their families.  One of the oldest in the group Kianni Arroyo has made it her quest to meet each and every one of her donor siblings across all age groups.  She started an Instagram account donor_siblings to document and share these meetings and photos.  It is very cool and fun to see her siblings interact.

The fact that there are donor conceived groups out there with this many individuals is insane and this is a major factor crying out for regulation.  The age range here also makes me think how many years the donor was visiting clinics or how long was sperm frozen.  So many questions.

An International Conference on Donor Conception in NYC

I learned via the tweets of Geraldine Hewitt that in May 2019 there will be a conference held at New York University.  Per Geraldine it's focus will be aimed at empowering DC people as advocates for themselves.  I indicated I am interested in attending and participating if there was an appropriate forum that I could add anything to.  I was told the focus would not be on "recipients" as they have plenty of forums and support groups already.

I stated in a tweet that "I have two teens. My focus is on their interactions and their perspective.  But if exploring how they or their peers approach the parents that raise them about their needs I believe maybe we all learn.

 

 

DNA Testing - And so it begins....

I tonight am living up to my promise to my daughter to finally order the 23 and Me DNA kit that her half sibling sister used.  $200.00 for the Health + Ancestry kit.  More than I expected but long term something she wanted.

Thinking I should be doing this kit for my son and the lesser Ancestry kit for her as I read somewhere male genetic markers turn up more info.  You would think after all these years I know the difference.  I may order the other kit tomorrow.  Will pose the question on one of the Facebook groups tonight or tomorrow.

Can't believe we are finally here at this point.  Little nervous for her.  Them.  Little nervous for me.

Teenagers ....

In  my day we always let our parents know where we are under pain of death for not letting them know we were alive.  Mine seem to like driving me mad with worry.  There are moments where I occasionally think they do it on purpose.

I love them to death but I am getting pissed. 

Watching Generation Cryo

Z my 13 year old daughter is as I type this watching the first episode of Generation Cryo the five part documentary that aired on MTV co produced by the DSR. 

So this week Z (13 years old) had been in contact with M (14 years old) her only known female half sibling who lives in MD. Both are interested in searching for their donor. I have also been texting with M's mom re what is going on. I have also text with N's mom out in CO. N (15 years old) is the only know male half sibling. He is excited as well and has always wanted a dad.  Both M and N are in single mom households. 

For the record, J, my 15 year old son, does not care and has even said he thinks we should respect the donor's privacy and not search for him. 

Z this morning asked if I was upset that I do not have any biological children.  I told her in the beginning I was upset but that was 9 years before she was born. By the time she was born I had accepted this fact. I told her we tried using IVF with ICSI using my sperm but no baby resulted. Embryos yes but which did not take. 

I told her from the moment I saw her she was my daughter and the only daughter I could ever imagine or want. So no I am not upset this is my kid. Blood or not. 

As I said she is watching episode one we will see what questions result from it. 

And so it begins...

Daughter again told me tonight she wants to meet her donor. The kicker which freaked me out was she contacted her only known female half sibling whom we have visited with over the years and kept in touch with.  She contacted her via Instagram and I was unsure how public the half sib has been. Z has told her friends. Luckily she sent her message via a private DM message. 

The kids have all treated each as other as more distant cousins etc than direct siblings so Z reaching out was a surprise.  

I contacted the girls mom and she was happy that Z reached out as she did. We will see what develops here and what the girls even tell us. More as it occurs. 

As I said ...And so it begins. 

Known Donors. Movie Spoiler Alert.

Spoiler Alert. Semi recent movie. Admit I watched it for the female protagonist. Did not expect the ending but should have seen it coming. Good cast. 

Known donors are generally in the news in court cases either arguing the donor has no place in the donor conceived's life or that they owe some sort of obligation. 

Tricky subject. In reality and in the movies. Was not focus of 97% of this movie but did play a role in hindsight for how the characters' lives played out. 

Next Morning After Telling Me

I posted this a few moments ago to the DI Dads Yahoo Group: 

I knew this day would come and I knew it would be second child, my 13 year old daughter. 

My daughter came to my apt last night after not being here for over a week due to school and some blips in my custody arrangement with her mom. I missed her a lot. Her brother stayed at his moms. 

Somehow I knew it would be Z that asked. She is the emotional of my two. He more theoretical. He knows his story. He knows I am his dad. Perhaps he wants to know also but does not want to tell me for fear of hurting me. I have told him such a request would never hurt me. 

So last night Z asked me and it became real. I am not hurt. Surprisingly so even after theoretically saying I would not be after all these years. I do have concerns I admit as any of us would have. 

If she never finds him what amount of disappointment will infuse itself into her life?
Will she come to resent our choice as a result of a long search?
Will she fantasize who he might be over glorifying him as an individual?

These questions and others are inevitably a mix of my thoughts for her and my own. I have spent the bulk of the last several years virtually ignoring this world, except for small steps back into it, while dealing with issues affecting my children and myself due to separating from their mom, and eventually divorcing. Our divorce was not related to the children's creation story in any form. 

Z innocently said it would be cool to know more. I will discuss with her mom letting the kids first read his written profile from the cryobank and then later hearing his voice on the CD we got from the bank. I have not read or listened to either in years. 

So now I will be turning to these issues for the first time directly in years. Some no longer in the theoretical sense. 

I say thanks to Eric J. and the other dads who told their stories here long ago when their kids were teens and older.

My Daughter Wants to Meet her Donor

Out of the blue she states that thinks it would be cool to meet her donor. 

She said she knows I am her dad but she is curious. 

She said she spoke to her mom who told that she and I legally could not search as we signed papers that says we'd respect the donor's anonymity. 

I also learned that she and her brother and their mom did those ancestry Dan kits. Although I have not heard of anyone finding close relatives through that program.  I need to ask their mom about this. I will also look into the costs of 23 and me. 

And do it begins. Her older brother so far did not care but the 13 year old is curious. 

Donor Conception : Old vs New Thinking

I am not so sure I agree with everything in here but interesting to read. 

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/donor-conception-old-vs-new-thinking_us_5a02f309e4b0230facb8418d

Why I am here

Meaning this blog.  Not why I am here on earth. 

I guess it started as blogs did as a place mostly just for me to vent, to put things to paper as it was, regarding being a dad of two DI conceived kids. I was listening a few minutes ago to the You Will be Found lyrics from Dear Evan Hansen. I think it prompted me to write this today. I don't know if people still read blogs anymore to be honest. 

You Will Be Found. Pretty powerful lyrics. Song. 

I wrote this blog so people will not feel alone. Infertility is a very lonely place. Choosing donor conception is a big deal. Read my previous post. 

Our responsibilities as parents are so much deeper than we realize before we have our kids. What burdens we lay at their feet are our burdens. We certainly don't intend to do so but inevitably we do. Our job is to provide them the tools to take it all in. To process life. To help them in anyway we can and to take the burden from them as much as we can. 

I don't have all the answers. But at this point I am making sure I am prepared for all the questions. Why am I here?  To help you see that you are not alone. We can find the questions together. 

Facebook Group Discussions

We all have found that online discussions of anything often break down into heated discourses where both sides end up disgusted and exhausted. The following is a post I added to one discussion and then later as a stand alone post. I have not been here on this blog in a long time but thought it worth posting here. Can't say when I will post again but here is this:

In the years that I have been actively participating in the original yahoo groups and later here on Facebook I have understood that part of the issue that the post James wrote is simply that those individuals who are donor conceived just wish to voice their experiences and not be discounted. 

Yes some due to their experiences are advocates against the use of donor conception. Others want to offer their stories as a warning that parents can take into account when raising their kids. Others truly just need a venue to vent. 

The fact of the matter is I traded the pain of my infertility, the loss of ever having my own biological children, to have children via DI with my then wife not realizing that our children could feel a loss to knowing both of their biological parents, not just their mom who they have. 

We used DI not knowing the fear our children might have regarding hidden medical time bombs that might await them donated graciously for cash by their sperm donor. 

There any many donor conceived across the generations that are perfectly happy. No need to go further. The number of stories is as long as the number of individuals conceived using donor gametes. 

Both sides of this process have the right to their story and the right to feel a loss. No one should be discounted or feel they are being discounted just because someone else wants to tell their story. 

The level of negative vehemence this stirs up serves no purpose but to keep us from gaining true insight across the board.  

I truly ask everyone to try to step back before responding in this manner.  

Please.

The President was donor conceived ...

I saw an article on Kveller this morning where the writer wanted to revoke the right of the media to continuously reference the children of anyone as adopted. She noted with respect to celebrities that when describing that celebrity's children it had to state how many were via adoption and how many via birth etc. Will my son when his parentage is referenced be always followed by the phrase "he was donor conceived"? Ugh. I hope not. 

Terminology Hangups

Today I saw blog posts both either having an issue with terminology or I think playing games using terminology. 

The first posted on Kveller had to do with labeling kids or birth story with the word Adopted. Her point was why we must always reference kids as adopted. She cited examples of articles re Nicole Kidman and Angelina Jolie and numerous acquaintances that come up to her and announced they were adopted.

I agree that such classifications are usually unnecessary and create a second class stigma. My kids for the record don't reference themselves and I don't either aside from this blog's title. They are my kids. I pay child support to prove it. 

The second article I saw on Twitter retweeted which blamed the sexual revolution for a host of reproductive medicine issues as the writer saw it. I did not think using that term as a catch all was appropriate. The points made may have held worth but I just felt the writer latched onto the term as a hook to draw people in. Felt contrived. My personal opinion. 

Otherwise Happy Canada Day to my friends up North !!!!

Hello, I am still here

It's been a while since I have posted. I don't have anything new or profound to say. But let's ramble and see where I go. 

Yesterday at work a colleague and I got into a conversation where I stated my kids are donor conceived. I can't remember now what we were talking about. All I know now is that stating this feels as normal as anything. They are still my kids with all the pluses and minuses a parent feels about their kids. It's just a part of our story as crazy wild as any family's story is. 

I miss seeing my kids everyday but that's a divorce story and that pain, although I have accepted that, never leaves. I did learn this week of another DI Dad who is going down this road. I had wondered what the statistics on this are. I will say of the DI Dads who have divorced it appears the reasons are generally not DI related. It seems we are just part of the same statistical percentage as the rest of the married population who end up down this path.

But as dad of DI kids I do worry about their psyches as they already had enough to process with their DI stories to add being a child of divorce. Which has the greater impact only time will tell. I am sure it varies with each and every individual.

My 2007 Father's Day Post

This post was originally published in 2007.  It has been my sporadic tradition to repost it on Father's Day.

With Father's Day on the horizon my thoughts stray to the man whose gift allowed my children to come into being. This man is not the doctor or mid wife that delivered them. This man is their sperm donor. My children were conceived via Donor Insemination.

Without this man's gift, these children would never have come into being and into my and my wife's life. I am occasionally asked if I resent that this man could do what I could not. I can comfortably say I do not. On the contrary I want to thank him.

When I was diagnosed with non-obstructive azoospermia 12 years ago I was told that I should expect to never have children of my own. The fact that my children are not biologically linked to me has never lessened my love for them nor my belief that they are indeed my children. At the same time I am cognizant that there is another man whose role cannot be nor should be minimized.

To me he is and is not simply their donor. For now to my children he is in effect non-existent as they don't fully understand the concept of donor insemination. They have been told of their conception story and that a donor was used but this is still too much for them to truly comprehend as they are both less than six years old. Someday soon this will change and I wonder how that will play out. For now the knowledge of his existence rests with my wife and me and as I see it I have a responsibility to not let the truth of him fade away.

The lives of my children are as much connected to him as they are to me. I do not pretend to argue nurture is greater than nature but rather together play a role in these children's lives. I have his bios, medical, social, and educational. I have a toddler picture of him and a recording of his voice. All of this info is being saved for them as it is part of who they are.

Everyday I see articles addressing infertility and the use of donor conception from the side of the couples going through infertility, women choosing single motherhood, or lesbian or gay couples looking to start families. There are court cases around the country redefining what is family and who has the right to be legally defined as a parent or not. Under New York State law I am considered the legal father to my children. But despite that fact I know that someday my children will wonder about the man that is one half of their genetic make up.

Most heterosexual families of donor conceived children choose to never tell their children of the conception story fearing the child will turn against the social parent or for fear or shame of the perceived stigmas of using another person’s sperm or eggs to create their children. In my opinion these parents do so for their own reasons and not for the benefit of the children who have a right to the truth. I recently contributed an essay to a book series titled “Voices of Donor Conception” and have been increasingly involved in the discussions of these topics on the Internet.

The central issues surrounding donor conception, including donor anonymity, regulation and reform, have been or are being addressed in several countries around the world including Great Britain, Australia, New Zealand and Canada among others. The United States has not yet entered that discussion and currently there are no federal laws directly regulating the sale of gametes [i] nor are there any regulations imposed on the administration of the various cryobanks and clinics that solicit gamete donations and sell these gametes to the public. I am in favor of reforming the practices of this industry but I am not here today for that purpose.

I no longer fear the donor’s shadow but rather acknowledge his presence and if my children ask that his contribution be honored this or on a future Father’s Day I must honor their wishes if I am half the father I believe myself to be to them. So on their behalf I wish him a Happy Father’s Day and I say to him thank you for allowing me to do the same.
[i] “Reproduction and Responsibility: The Regulation of New Biotechnologies” The President's Council on Bioethics, Washington, D.C., March 2004, Chapter 6

It's a Guy Thing Infertility Telesummit

More later but am pre recording tomorrow a session addressing family creation using donor conception. Should be interesting. 

Donor Conception Postcard Project - Update

The facebook based project has been mildly successful so far. Cards and images trickle in. No major deluge. Positive feedback. 

Not sure how to effectively promote it. Twitter adds something but not a string feeder. Posting updates on other facebook groups has helped. I do like seeing varied messages be submitted and posted. Will let it grow organically. 

A Child's Announcement via a Lawn Sign

How Public is Public

The guest columnist writing the Motherlode column for the NY Times today writes about how open should her family be about their religion in a secular world and conversely how liberal can she be in her religious world. The two worlds colliding when her child comes homes from religious school with a lawn sign that reads Jesus Lives. 

http://mobile.nytimes.com/blogs/parenting/2014/04/05/jesus-lives-but-should-he-live-in-my-front-yard/?smid=tw-share

In the end she trusts in the faith that her neighbors are tolerant of all views and the knowledge who their family is that no prejudice would ensue. 

Made me think on some levels how some couples decide not to tell their children they are donor conceived. Once the child knows it might as well at times be a sign on their front lawn.  To do so might add a stigma to the couple's lives that one parent could not procreate as easily as all their neighbors or that the child may grow up with that stigma attached much as adoptees sometimes did a bit when I was a child in the 1970s. 

This post is not addressing whether DC should be used due to issues of identity, medical or abandonment that some donor conceived have experienced.  

This post is simply looking at the issue from a perspective of who

Telling or Not Telling is serving. Clearly in the world some parents might be embarrassed for their neighbors to know as opposed to the honesty of sharing the info with the child so they have that knowledge and can process it as they will as they grow up. 

The analogy to the NYT column is not perfect but with the facts of my world it is part of what I saw and how I reacted. 

(As an aside I did recently see a cartoon or something about Jesus being Donor Conceived. But that would be a whole other post to address that analogy).

Post # 572

Donor Conception Postcard Project: Update 1

Well I have created a facebook page for the Project. The link is below. I have also created a Twitter account for the Project to announce the publishing of new cards received. Interest is definitely out there. 

I have spoken with many people offering support from Olivia Montuschi of the Donor Conception Network  to Alana Newman of the AnonymousUS project. 

Just waiting for cards to start arriving. Here is the contact and link info:

Donor                PO Box 6728

Conception     FDR Station

PostCard        New York, NY

Project             10150-6728

Http://www.facebook.com/DonorConceptionPostcardProject

Twitter @PostcardsDC

Sample postcard submissions:  

Kids Say the Darndest Things

On parenting:

As I have stated in the past my 11 and 9 year olds are very much aware they are donor conceived. This morning daughter, the 9yo, and I were looking at pics of their half sibling sister on facebook and discussing its a shame we live so far away. 

This afternoon while kidding around they were busting on me. Their comment referring to their own good looks: "It's a good thing for the (sperm) donor". 

Took me a moment to get it. I countered with starting a pillow fight. I know they were kidding. They know I know. Doesn't mean the pillow swings were any lighter for it. :-)

Donor Conception Post Card Project

I posted a message to the DI Dads Yahoo Discussion group tonight about soliciting anonymous post cards on the topic of donor insemination. Submissions could be anything they wanted to say about the topic. Concerns, fears, messages of support, anything. The single theme must be about DI. 

I wrote about the single Post Secret card I saw re Donor Conception on their site back in 2008. The responses to the card from donor conceived that I read were usually dismissive of the message written conveyed on the card. 

I am curious what cards I would receive if I opened up the topic to all donor conception issues. Would men and women , donors, donor conceived, parents submit post cards?

Would you?

If you would the address would be as follows.  Maybe this is a crazy idea. Maybe I have no concept what could happen but here goes:

Donor Conception Post Card Project

c/o Eric

PO Box 6728

FDR Station

New York NY 10150-6728

A Parent's Reaction

I saw this post card on this week's display presented at Post Secret dot com. Just struck me. Having lived through years of infertility you recognize the pain and truth. 

Love my kids so much. I don't understand fathers, biological or otherwise, that are not involved in their children's lives, that don't love them fiercely. 

DI Dads Supporting Dads-to-be

Every week I approve new members to the Yahoo DI Dads support discussion group. Generally the new members are either men contemplating using DI with their partners or their spouse is already pregnant via DI and the dad-to-be is looking for support. Their first posts generally involve how will they bond or feel about the child, or perhaps will the child know that they are not its biological father. It runs a gamut of several questions. 

This morning I received an email providing in digest form the posts and responses of the last 24 hours. I am quite proud to say no sooner had one new member posted his concerns that several  current members rose to offer their support and comments how they too felt and how their fears were addressed or without out merit as the love and bonding came automatically. 

These men all want to be fathers, nature or circumstances, threw them curves that prevented it naturally so it is expected that they all have the capacity to love their DI kids and that the kids will love them back. I am proud of our little community and know that any man that steps through that virtual door will find support from guys who have been there and can voice their opinions. 

Dreamt of More Half Sibs

Earlier today via Twitter I re-tweeted posts including videos of sibling groupings and meetings I had not seen before. The Tulane sisters Today Show video, a vid posted to YouTube by the California Cryobank of a young teenager meeting 5 of his half sibs (Donor 5114) for the first time at a Taos reunion. The oldest sib in that group on camera was maybe 15. 

After posting these 5am tweets I went back to bed and amusingly dreamed of a gathering of my own children and their half siblings. The group in my dream grew from its current and known 4 sibs to what I think was about a dozen and was comprised of mostly teenagers.  Like many dreams the events were disjointed and not totally clear. 

I do recall a donor number check as well as a discussion with the oldest half sibling in this dream grouping about a class she attended in school that addressed the ethics of donor conception. That reference must have been as a result of watching an AnonymousUS video questioning the ethics of the fertility industry. 

Ok, I am very amused as it is rare this topic has invaded my dreams much less any that I remember. Time to make hot breakfast for my two very real and hungry children. 

Family History and Genetic Kinship

I am meeting today second cousins I have never met before. Over the years I have always been involved with my family's genealogy and history. Facts that some folks here on the Internet have used to chastise me for my use of donor conception to conceive my children. The statements made have centered on the fact that by using DI we intentionally cut our children off from their genetic past and heritage. 

During the years we, my now ex-wife, and I were trying to conceive either via traditional IVF or via DC, I was always involved in various family history projects. My work has been used by numerous young relatives passing it off as their own school family history research. 

It certainly was never our emotional intent to create these genetic and heritage disconnects when using donor insemination. No parent who used DC intentionally did this with any type of malice but in plain truth it is the effect.

My kids know my family history. They know part of it is not theirs biologically. But from a heritage standpoint it is theirs. We chose a Jewish donor whose family had Eastern European roots very similar to my own. Now some religious pundits would argue we should not have used a Jewish donor due to some finer points of Jewish Halacha law but we wanted these connections. Medically the donor's family bio was about the same as mine as well so there was no genetic improvement there as well. No eugenics here. 

The point is where the kids will likely never know the donor's parents' names it is likely the experiences of my family heritage wise probably doesn't differ too much from the actual donor's family. The bio Great Grandma and Great Grandpa probably came over in steerage just as mine did, traveling from similar shtetls to America. Yes, there is still a very real and true disconnect that resulted and the kinship percentages reflected in the above chart which would drop to zero for most boxes. Perhaps my continuing research may cause some angst to my children regarding their not knowing their biological cousins and that family but perhaps the kids can look at these second cousins once removed and say they probably just like my own, guess I'll keep them. 

How do you define what biological kids feel like?

This past Monday the NYT column Motherlode ran a column titled “Would a Pregnancy Through a Donor Egg Feel Like ‘Mine’? written by Amy Klein.  It’s an interesting question and I can see where a woman would ask the question.  What is amazing to me is that we have the technology to allow a woman to become a birth mother and to bond with the child in this manner.

 It is certainly a bond no dad, biological or social, can ever experience. [I am discounting the transgender dad who never switched out his female parts.]

 Now granted a woman carrying donor eggs is a far cry from being a father to children created via donor insemination.  But it begs the question what do biological children feel like that are different than my own DI children?

 Many men before their DI kids are born worry about binding with the children and that somehow the children will know the dad is not biologically related and reject the dad.  I have seen from my own experience and been told by most dads, that upon seeing their DI children and interacting with them in every normal way dads do, that the bonds form quickly and naturally. 

 So the answer to the above question, for most dads, is that these kids are our kids.  There is no different feeling.  These kids not only feel like mine. They are.

When Divorce Magnifies Donor Conception's Losses

Today's NY Times includes an excellent column under the Motherlode column titled "When Divorce Magnifies Adoption's Losses".  It is worth reading for any parent and especially divorced parents of donor conceived children as many of the issues mirror our own.  The author Deesha Philyaw along with her ex husband apparently write a blog titled CoParenting101 discussing issues of divorce that I will be following going forward.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/01/12/when-divorce-magnifies-adoptions-losses/#more-48921

Mandatory Donor Conception Workshops ? Voluntary?

Over the years I have often referred to my children's DI conception as analogous to a half adoption. The term allows people to see the similarities between the two communities with respect to various issues. One of the issues I have discussed before is how couples / individuals looking to adopt have usually been required to go through an interview process and very often some sort of educational seminar or workshop prior to an adoption being granted. I have often wondered why the use of donor conception methods does not require a similar process. 

The answer lies I suspect in the fact that in the adoption process the child already exists, has rights, and the State has an obligation to ensure the child is placed with an individual or family best suited for that adoption. In cases where donor conception is chosen, it is being used very often to overcome infertility issues or the fact the couple (gay/lesbian) cannot obviously procreate without the use if third party gametes and here there is no child who rights and safety must be currently safeguarded by the State. 

Should cryobanks / clinics require some sort of counseling or information sessions prior to starting DC procedures? Perhaps. Some offer information or counseling in some form but I am unaware if it is mandatorily required by any such institution currently. Certainly no US state health law requires it that I know of. Let me know if your state does. 

My own view is I wish there was some requirement. How it would be administered, signed off on, I cannot say but I would expect the experience would shift the paradigm from donor conception from being used as an infertility mask to a opportunity for the potential parents to understand the issues and possible ramifications / questions / issues that the donor conceived individuals may face in their lives. 

The UK Donor Conception Network offers such a seminar that I did not realize existed.  I would love to see such seminars adapted here by local chapters of the American Fertility Association or Resolve.  

http://www.dcnetwork.org/workshop/preparation

Do I expect legislation or regulations here in the US to require such seminars to be in parity with local adoption laws? Unlikely. Medical establishments and cryobanks want no roadblocks to easy use of DC as simply a treatment option and want little or no contact with any additional red tape. 

Should such seminars be encouraged? Yes. To require them to be mandatory? Unlikely it will ever happen but I would vote Yay. There are simply to many benefits to the adults and to the children of knowledgeable and loving parents. 

Building Half Sibling Relationships

My kids make up two of four total half siblings from our donor. How they relate to each other is a confluence of several factors. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. How these relationships will develop over time we can only guess. Every group is different these kids are not the exception. 

I suggested to my kids that they call each of their half sibs for the holidays. I admit watching the siblings on Generation Cryo has me hoping the kids will all be close as they grow older. They seemed interested but like real tweens and pre-tweens (is there a term?) are more interested in their electronic devices then true human contact. 

Apparently my son J spoke to his male half sib N (new reference letter) for all of maybe five to ten minutes, seemed tired, not into it, and hung up even before giving his sister Z a chance to speak to N.  What was strange is that J and N have always had a very rambunctious silly rapport over the phone. N lives West and its been about a year and half before these kids saw each other. 

This past Summer we took a road trip South and visited the kids other half sibling M, a girl, which made Z happy as she wanted some half sibling girl time. The one night stay was a lot of fun for all. But since the trip maybe the kids have spoken once. Different lives. Out of sight and not day to day is not exactly brothers and sisters. 

The boy out West has always wanted siblings. And misses my two exasperated the distance is so far.  The girl down South is a very vivacious independent kid. Each of the four is different and yet share much.  

Who knows whether they will grow closer. My own two last weekend visited their cousins via their mom's brother. Much younger and closer distance wise but seeing them is also rare. 

Family is how you define it and what you make of it. Despite my trying to keep the connections it will be up to them and I have to take my cues from them while occassionally providing opportunities to develop those relationships. Only time will tell.