Seeking Half Sibling & Donor Contact

I posted a question earlier this week on the DSR groups asking if there were any married heterosexual couples out there who had or we're looking to make contact with either their child's half siblings or even the donor. I got a number of responses personally and only one response posted to the discussion group. I asked my question as it appears that most of the "looking for contact" discussions posted on these sites are primarily posted by single mothers by choice or lesbian couples. So I wondered are we (my wife and I) one of the few hetero couples looking for contact with half siblings?

Turns out we are not but married heterosexual couples are in the minority (at least in the talking about it world). The reasons for this are, I expect, simple and what you would expect. I must admit I have no data to support this theory. Married hetero couples generally either hide this issue completely or while they may inform their child of their DI conception no additional thought is given to locating half siblings until the child is old enough to ask. Or they hear of the DSR through either news pieces or articles, become curious, and get the bug to learn more. We ourselves learned on the DSR through the Oprah episode forgot about it and then saw a repeat and joined the DSR that night. Again there are a number of hetero couples (mostly through the moms) who are on the groups discussing the topic but the vast numbers appear to be SMCs and lesbian moms.

I am betting the thought of locating and making contact with the donor would be a step too far for these families to contemplate and I must admit it is not something I would do without a good reason, namely the health of my kids being at issue. I would have to further guess that while many non-genetic dads like myself had issues (some limited some more) regarding using DI we are all uninterested or perhaps afraid to seek out the donor. Emotionally it is obvious that meeting the man whose genetic material did what we could not is a hard fact to get over. I have discussed in other posts about my reservations or perhaps fears of my role being supplanted by this individual if he were to enter the lives of my children. Granted most adult donor conceived persons go searching for their donors not to replace their DI Dads but to answer questions ranging from health, identity etc. But the possibility scares the hell out of this dad.

Lia recently posted a comment to one of my posts stating in effect that its amazing how DI created families go out of their way to locate half siblings and then treat these half siblings as family while at the same time those same families purposefuly avoid making contact with the donor in effect distancing the children from the donor despite the common blood lines. I am not disagreeing with Lia's conclusion but for a dad in my position the reasons are partially stated above why contact with the donor would not be made. Additional reasons include the belief that the donor wants no contact based on the anonymous nature of his agreement with the cryobank. Granted with donors that may have changed from their days of donating.

In addition families who used DI to conceive their kids did so for the fact that they did not want and continue to not want an additional party as part of their lives and the lives of their children. It is a selfish decision from the parent's perspective and does not consult the children created and I admit that up front. No comments are needed to confirm that fact. Choice moms are for the most part women who decided to raise their kids alone by design and accepted that as part of their planning. And yes they also may welcome another person into their family makeup at one point but that is a personal family by family decision (and more likely than not would not be the donor). At the point they made this decision it was based on those facts. For heterosexual couples we see the family makeup as set, one mommy and one daddy, and a third parent is not wanted or needed. For lesbian couples the reasoning, I suppose, is much the same and a combination of the prior two. Again all selfish reasons but they are the reasons I suppose.

I would like to see the married hetero families speak out more but the numbers reflect the fact that an increasing number of choice moms are choosing DI so it makes sene that they are the currently the most vocal group on the discusion groups and many boards out there. So in conclusion from my perspective I pretty much knew why married hetero couples would seek out half sibs and not seek out donors, but I was curious what responses I would get and to work it through myself.