A Donor Egg Story - When No Woman is Mother

no. 405

The Nation's Pulse

The American Spectator

Motherless in Maryland -- Roberto de.B's Twins

By James M. Thunder

Published 7/11/2007 12:07:52 AM

I came upon the American Spectator op-ed column yesterday listed above and linked to HERE that examined the Maryland court case In re Roberto d.B. I don't usually read what I refer to as political magazines but when I saw this column, via Google, I was intrigued as I had read about the case earlier this year and posted a link to a news story, see here for that post, but I had not seen much in the way of op-ed pieces about it.

In short the case involves a man who made arrangements for an egg donor to donate to him eggs for the obvious purpose of inseminating them and having a surrogate carry the embryos to term. After the delivery of the resulting twin girls the hospital and state listed the surrogate as the mother. The man, who is listed as the father petitioned the courts to have the surrogate's name removed from the birth certificates and won.

The article made me wonder about situations when gay men arrange for donor egg and surrogates to carry the resulting embryos. How are those birth certificates filed? Who is generally listed as the mother? The egg donor or the surrogate?

Again I am unsure if I agree with all of the writers views but it was an interesting article to read and struck a chord in me regarding the rights of the children born and I wondered how they will react as they grow up with no mother at all listed on their birth certificates.

ABC Primetime Donor Insemination Story - My Reactions

no. 404

"The Name Behind the Number
Child of a Sperm Donor Starts a Web Site to Find His Secret Family"

Below are copies of the two comments I left on the ABC Primetime site in response to the program I watched earlier this evening. Comment One may sound a bit like "what about me" and that was not my intent. I read an email on the Yahoo DI Dads group that ran along similiar lines and and received another from another member which were in line with my own reactions so I wrote it as it came out of my brain. It is what it is.

Comment Two:

On a different note I want to say again congratulations to the Kramers, the DSR and all the donor conceived families that appeared on this program. Like many others as a result of the DSR my own two children now have a half sibling found via the DSR and the relationship that will grown over the years will always be precious to them and for that we thank Ryan and Wendy. Regards.

Comment One:

While I was happy to see Ryan and Anna meet as well as the other three donor kids meet I must admit a good part of the segment left me with a slightly sour taste in my mouth. I am a father to two children conceived by donor insemination. No I am not their donor I am their dad. Constantly through out the piece the reporter indicated that the donor conceived individuals were searching for their fathers as opposed to their donors. Yes I understand that the donors biologically are indeed these individual's fathers and there is strong need for the individuals to connect to who they came from. I know this stuff and understand it as I write and blog about it pretty much every day for the last two years.

What I am referring to is the media's continuing goal to sensationalize this very serious topic. The constant photos of Donor 150, I apologize as I have forgotten his name, as a young man posing as a male model were unneeded. There was nothing in the piece to acknowledge that Anna's dad is raising this young woman and perhaps put aside his own feelings for the benefit of his daughter yet the piece keeps referring to the donor fathers without addressing the other men who might be out there.

Again I write about this stuff each day on my blog. I am also writing as I moderate a discussion group of social fathers, DI Dads, where the reactions to this piece were pretty much along these lines. Anyone that knows me knows the needs of the children and donor conceived adults should come first and for many they will continue to search for their "fathers" as that is their desire and the terminalogy they use but here in this piece the term aws thrown around so much by the narrating reporter that it is no wonder so many heterosexual couples that use DI continue to conceal their use of DI. If you want to help bring DI out into the open and remove stigmas and work towards reform you have to address all members of the donor conception community.

A New Donor Conception Blog from ... the Donor Sibling Registry

no. 403

Until this week the Donor Sibling Registry had three main avenues to engage its membership and the public:

(1) the central DSR website which among other pages included the Registry itself,

(2) the DSR yahoo discussion group for matters involving but not limited to direct sibling and/or donor searches, and

(3) the DSR_Discussion yahoo group for more general DI / DE discussion.

Now a fourth venue has been added: The DSR Blog !

In Wendy Kramer's own words the creation of this blog allows her to create and maintain a "a central DSR area for updates, i.e. upcoming news, policy, DSR logistics, comments on media and the industry, etc.".

So for those of that subscribe to Blogarithm or any other blog tracking service I suggest you add the DSR Blog to your schedule for donor conception related topics.

ABC Primetime 07/10/07 DSR Story On-Line

no. 402

Tonight's segment on Primetime regarding the Donor Sibling Registry already exists online as a print article and can be linked to HERE.

I have not read it yet but will do so later today and post the text to the Annex when I am able.

TV Note: Ryan Kramer of DSR to Meet Half Sibling (Tuesday July 10, 2007)

no. 401

Tomorrow night on Primetime Live [2007 July 10, ABC, 10:00 pm EST] Ryan Kramer who founded the Donor Sibling Registry, with his mother Wendy Kramer, will himself be the focus of one story.

While the DSR has resulted in approximately 3500 matches between half siblings and/or genetic donors this TV story captures on film Ryan's first meeting with his own half sibling Anna. The story segment will also focus on another DSR match (donor and children) connecting in California.

The story of how Anna found Ryan has previously been written about by Wendy Kramer in the May 2007 AFA newsletter and can be linked to HERE in this blog's Annex.

The Sperm Donor's Spoken Words Soon to be Written

no. 400

I have been meaning to have the CD Rom recording of the donor's words transcribed for some time now. I had the recording copied onto a micro-cassette tape so that a professional using a tape player made for such a purpopse could easily stop and start the recording. I sent it out earlier this week and am awaiting an e-mail with a full transcription.

I figured having the donor's words on paper would be important if something happened to the CD copies we have or for some reason technology changes and future devices would not play CDs as we know it.

As soon as I receive the transcription I plan on sending a copy down to T's mom so they have it also in their records for T's benefit.

-------

On an administrative note I can't believe this is my 400th post to this blog. I started in Aug 2005 and am soon to hit my two year anniversary this Summer. Pretty wild.

My wife and I again discussed my involvement in this blog and the yahoo group. We talked how she hardly ever thinks about this stuff while I unnaturally think about it too much due to these venues. I'd be curious to see if a psychotherapist would think all this writing is a bad or good thing.

Book Update: DI as Sad Fiction

no. 399

Beginning of Sorrows

by Nancy Merical

From the publisher (per B&N):

"The Beginning of Sorrows: Were these disturbing words, echoing in Jamaliel's nightmare, induced by hormonal changes during pregnancy or prophetic of the future? Conceived through donor insemination, Jamaliel's son, Kenny, at the age of sixteen, discovers a document that causes him to believe he is adopted. Escaping from his estranged father, he finds his situation more chaotic. A mysterious letter hints that his fiancée is actually his sister, and the man verified as his biological father refuses to accept him as his son. When questions arise about the donor's actual identity. Kenny wonders: Will peace ever be mine?"

OK, this sounds incredibly depressing. First off to my knowledge the title is actually a phrase associated with the "end of days" prophecies in the New Testament. That can't be a coincidence considering the depressing tone of this synopsis.

If this doesn't sound like a great argument for early disclosure I don't know what is.

Product Details
ISBN: 0741438941

ISBN-13: 9780741438942
Format: Paperback, 201pp
Publisher: Buy Books on the Web.Com

"She's My Half-Sibling"

no. 398

This morning my son asked to watch the video of he and his sister with T. Has it been 11 months since the only trip we met T and her mom already? I asked who T is to him and he said "she's my half-sibling". No prompting. There was no discussion using that term in the past weeks that I can think of. He just knew.

I then asked him what do he, his sister, and T all share. He said they have a common "onor". [Of course I heard "owner".] I corrected him by stating "donor". He just giggled and repeated "donor".

We try not to let them watch video or too much TV in the morning but this DVD will always be an exception. Which when they get into a pattern of wanting any video can be a problem as they know it.

Donor Does Not Equal Daddy T-Shirt

no. 397

















Donor Conceived over at Whose Daughter? (who for some reason I have in my head as previously going by Buffalo Girl) has posted the above T-Shirt design in response to the "My Daddy's Name is Donor" t-shirt that can be seen for sale around the web.

Despite the veracity of the statement made on the shirt she is suggesting it is interesting to see, even after all this time, the immediate feelings it can stir up in me. Envy is an interestng emotion. As I stated in my Father's Day post I don't believe I am threatened any longer by the donor (am I backtracking already?) but the underlying fact of the t-shirt's statement still has some sting. Granted it is not the shirt's intent but still there it is.

One Line Updates re Donor Conception

no. 396

I am taking a cue from Brett over at DadTalk and posting one or two line updates on various fronts as I have been unable to sit down an write due to work and sheer exhaustion:

(1) My Father's Day post was picked up by the Donor Conception Network and posted under their Articles section.

(2) I was part of a panel of active egg donors and egg donor recipients at the last meeting of an Ovum Donor seminar series held here in NYC that was sponsored by the AFA. OK, seems out of place since I am obviously DI related but the session included a focus on disclosure and issues surrounding choosing donors etc.

(3) Over at Stirrup Queens I was honored by someone via the Secret Ode of the Day (1) with some very kind words about my blog and efforts. I was very touched. I must say, that Stirrup Queens is an amazing site and the amount of work that Mel puts into it is unreal. What started as a blog is truly a true community which various virtual events and support opportunities going on all the time.

(4) The Second Infertility Film Festival is due to be premiered on July 28 so all aspiring film makers have less than a month to put their entries together, pot them to YouTube or wherever and send the links to Bea. Another blogger who has gone way beyond her own keyboard, Infertile Fantasies, and built a community via her Festival and own writings and the support she constantly shows others.

(5) I discovered today a newly minted male written fertility blog, written from the average joe point of view. It is quite hystertical. Definitely worth checking out and watching as it will definitely make anyone male or female smile. It is called "The Adventures of (In)Fertile Frank".

“On The Lot” Reality TV: Sperm Bank Robbery Film Short

no. 395

The following may be more amusing to a Choice Mom than me but the reality TV show “On the Lot” included an entry on their 6/26 episode where a single woman and her mother robbed a sperm bank at gunpoint forcible withdrawing a fresh deposit. The video can be linked to here. The short was titled “Under the Gun” and was written and directed by contestant Hillary Graham.

I had to laugh at the “bank lobby” scene where the men were all sitting around waiting to be called to make a deposit. I immediately recalled my own experience waiting to go into the “collection” room with the hope of actually giving a sample where they would find any usable sperm (my diagnosis you may recall is non-obstructive azoospermia). Anyhow I had to laugh as I pictured these same women trying to attempt the same robbery from a room of infertile men. Sorry, wrong room ladies the fertile waiting room is next door.

Bio Mom to DI Dad: "I Did Not Sign Up For This"

no. 394

The other night I called my wife over to the computer and asked her to watch a webisode of this 5 minute comedy per day called "Where are the Joneses?" Besides her dumbstruck reaction to the content of this very strange donor sibling search psuedo-comedy she quickly stated that I am nuts and she "did not sign up for all this".

By this she means my continuing involvement in ongoing DI issues and the occassional absurdity (i.e. the aforementioned web based video sitcom) that I find related to it. In her mind we used DI to make the kids and that was the end of the story. Don't misinterpret this to mean she would count herself among those hetero families that use DI and never tell a soul much less the kids. She doesn't believe that and she is a firm believer in openness / disclosure. She just means she doesn't think about this stuff every day like I do and wants simply to put this all in perspective whatever that might be.

Truth is I can see her point of view. She is not affected like me as she is the bio parent and her day to day life is raising two small kids, shuttling them off via the NYC mass transit system to school, classes, playdates and general household stuff etc. She really does not have the time to stop and focus or obsess on these issues. In her mind we used DI to get around infertility, it worked, we have two kids growing up in NYC so lets stay on that plan and continue to raise them and ourselves.

This all got me thinking whether as time goes by, does the bio parent generally forget about these issues and only the social parent continues to revisit them from time to time? Again this blog forces me to not just forget this stuff but to dwell on it perhaps unnaturally.

To be honest when I look at my kids I don't see neon DI signs on their forheads I just see them. Truth is we signed on to be parents and we got that but occasionally we have to remember the other stuff and prepare to address it when the times come that it will be raised by them. And I know my wife will be with me when the kids realize what this all means.

60 Minutes Revisits 48QAH, Donor Sibling Registry

no . 393

Last night's CBS 60 Minutes piece revisits or really re-ran its March 19, 2006 piece about Donor Siblings first focusing on the offspring of Donor 48QAH and then also Wendy and Ryan Kramer's Donor Sibling Registry.

My initial thoughts abouts about the segment can be found via link one and the link I previously provided to the original transcript of the segment can be found at link two.

At the conclusion of the segment Steve Kroft updated the viewer as to the number of 48QAH donor siblings found and that Dr. Matthew Niedner and his wife had since had their own little girl. For more about 48QAH there was a very nice USA Today article that ran the same day, June 14, 2006 (Father's Day weekend) as the their DI Dads article .

Donor Insemination Sibling Search as Comedy?

no. 392

I am not making up the following plot line for a new comedy sitcome to be I guess broadcast on You tube.

Excerpts per the website Chortle (linked above):

"The plot concerns a brother and sister – played by comics Neil Edmond and Emma Fryer - who discover that their father was a prolific sperm donor and travel through Europe in search of their many siblings."

"The comedy, called Where are the Joneses?, features a five-minute episode every day, over a 12-week run."

"Viewers can then suggest scripts, plots or new characters for the show, which Baby Cow writers will incorporate into the story."

A DI Dad's Movie Review: "And Then Came Love"

no. 391

This past weekend I saw with my wife the new Vanessa Williams movie where her character, Julie, is a choice mom via DI and she tracks the donor down. I don't want to give too much of the plot away ( I have actually done so quite extensively in previous posts about the movie) as I do think it is a movie worth seeing.

There are a few weak points in the donor side of the story (based on my knowledge) but overall I thought it was handled responsibly and put the issue in the public eye with some honest feelings behind it.

Two issues jumped out at me. (1) The donor indicates to Julie when they first meet that while in college he donated his sperm for the money (generally the case) but that he then decided against continuing and that he donated only the one time. From what I know donors who do not continue giving would not be offered generally on the open market. And you would think that the first batch donated would also be lost to testing for diseases etc in addition to various blood tests. (2) When Julie reads the donor profile out loud at one point she mentions the college where the donor was attending. While I know some programs openly market as having donors from XYZ college I still think it is rare and it was a loose end in my mind.

The most interesting donor conception tidbit in the movie I noted was from watching how they portrayed the donor conceived child. I was interested as it became clear that from the child's perspective he obviously was aware that he had no dad but it appeared clear to me that the "disclosure" discussion between mother and son never went farther than it was only "a mommy and son family". Seeing this in person in the NYC playgrounds and then here on screen made it clear to me that even in these households it is hard to easily explain these things and life passes quickly so even parents who intend to disclose and feel it is obvious don't always have the disclosure discussion as early as they would hope. Yes the child was only tops 6 or 7 so even if the mom did tell him the odds are the kid would not get it.

But back to the movie. The casting was great. Seeing Eartha Kitt as Vanessa's mom was perfect. Kevin Daniels as the donor was a good choice.

It is playing through only this Friday in NYC after that in limited run around the country. check out their website for dates, places amd times. [www.andthencamelove.com] As I said overall a cute fun movie while addressing some of the seriousness of the issue. This is not another "Made in America" and is worth seeing.

After the movie there was a short Q&A with Caytha Jentiss the movie's writer / producer and the two leads. At this I thanked herfor her writing and for responsibly putting forward an image of a DI mom and child family.

Thoughts on Father's Day

no. 390

The following was written and submitted to the NY Times as an Op Ed piece but was not published......

With Father's Day on the horizon my thoughts stray to the man whose gift allowed my children to come into being. This man is not the doctor or mid wife that delivered them. This man is their sperm donor. My children were conceived via Donor Insemination.

Without this man's gift, these children would never have come into being and into my and my wife's life. I am occasionally asked if I resent that this man could do what I could not. I can comfortably say I do not. On the contrary I want to thank him.

When I was diagnosed with non-obstructive azoospermia 12 years ago I was told that I should expect to never have children of my own. The fact that my children are not biologically linked to me has never lessened my love for them nor my belief that they are indeed my children. At the same time I am cognizant that there is another man whose role cannot be nor should be minimized.

To me he is and is not simply their donor. For now to my children he is in effect non-existent as they don't fully understand the concept of donor insemination. They have been told of their conception story and that a donor was used but this is still too much for them to truly comprehend as they are both less than six years old. Someday soon this will change and I wonder how that will play out. For now the knowledge of his existence rests with my wife and me and as I see it I have a responsibility to not let the truth of him fade away.

The lives of my children are as much connected to him as they are to me. I do not pretend to argue nurture is greater than nature but rather together play a role in these children's lives. I have his bios, medical, social, and educational. I have a toddler picture of him and a recording of his voice. All of this info is being saved for them as it is part of who they are.

Everyday I see articles addressing infertility and the use of donor conception from the side of the couples going through infertility, women choosing single motherhood, or lesbian or gay couples looking to start families. There are court cases around the country redefining what is family and who has the right to be legally defined as a parent or not. Under New York State law I am considered the legal father to my children. But despite that fact I know that someday my children will wonder about the man that is one half of their genetic make up.

Most heterosexual families of donor conceived children choose to never tell their children of the conception story fearing the child will turn against the social parent or for fear or shame of the perceived stigmas of using another person’s sperm or eggs to create their children. In my opinion these parents do so for their own reasons and not for the benefit of the children who have a right to the truth. I recently contributed an essay to a book series titled “Voices of Donor Conception” and have been increasingly involved in the discussions of these topics on the Internet.

The central issues surrounding donor conception, including donor anonymity, regulation and reform, have been or are being addressed in several countries around the world including Great Britain, Australia, New Zealand and Canada among others. The United States has not yet entered that discussion and currently there are no federal laws directly regulating the sale of gametes [i] nor are there any regulations imposed on the administration of the various cryobanks and clinics that solicit gamete donations and sell these gametes to the public. I am in favor of reforming the practices of this industry but I am not here today for that purpose.

I no longer fear the donor’s shadow but rather acknowledge his presence and if my children ask that his contribution be honored this or on a future Father’s Day I must honor their wishes if I am half the father I believe myself to be to them. So on their behalf I wish him a Happy Father’s Day and I say to him thank you for allowing me to do the same.

[i] “Reproduction and Responsibility: The Regulation of New Biotechnologies” The President's Council on Bioethics, Washington, D.C., March 2004, Chapter 6

NY Times Op Ed re Genetic Engineering Through Donor Conception

no. 389

David Brooks in an Op Ed column titled "The National Pastime" published by the NY Times today, June 15th, quotes a Harris Poll that " 40 percent of Americans would use genetic engineering to upgrade their children mentally and physically". His opening paragraph states:

"At this very moment thousands of people are surfing the Web looking for genetic material so their children will be nothing like me. They are looking through files at sperm bank sites with Jetson-like names such as Xytex, which have become the new eBays for offspring."

The column continues to state that at the current rate "normal" non perfect specimen humans do not stand a chance and that to keep up all of us must follow suit or our children will be left behind.

I submitted a reply that individuals like me did not go the donor route to simply improve our gene pool or our children's chances of attending Dalton here in Manhattan. If anything the normal couple choosing donor conception, at least here in the US where such choices of donor are possible, made such choices as to match our infertile selves as best as possible. If anything I stated that our donor's medical history is a tad worse than my own. [Do my children have a lawsuit against for me for such a decision? Lord I hope not but I digress.]

I am posting the full text of the column on this blog's Annex as it is only available on-line if you subscribe to Times Select. It always seems like articles like this pop up around Mother's Day or Father's Day or is it just me noticing them more around this time of year.

YouTube: One Man's Male Factor Infertility Options

no. 388

I was surfing YouTube this evening and came across a pair of videos posted by Caliban018 regarding his diagnosis of suffering from a Varicocele .

His first entry discussing the pain of learning of infertility reminded me of my own raw pain of learning years ago. After blogging for so long you get used to the faceless interaction as opposed to seeing a person's emotions in their face and not just through their words.

Within his second entry on the topic you learn of the varicocele diagnosis and the options and hope he and his wife have. It is within this entry he discusses those options and the possibility that he could be open to raising "another man's child" if it came to that.

We wish you well Caliban018 and will be hoping your July 2007 varicocele surgery goes well in all respects.

A Reminder That My Sperm Don't Work......

no. 387

"Sleek, Fast and Focused: The Cells That Make Dad Dad"

New York Times

By Natalie Angier
Published: June 12, 2007

Today's NY Times included an article that only reminded me that my sperm did not do what they are designed to do. Granted the article does point out that only 15% of a man's sperm does what it is supposed to so perhaps I should not feel so bad. It is an interesting article but somehow did not add to my overall demeanor or self worth today. The graphic accompanying the article, copied above, had an old vintage text book look to it that was cool.

I was quite amused at the opening two lines of the article:

"We are fast approaching Father’s Day, the festive occasion on which we plague Dad with yet another necktie or collect phone call and just generally strive to remind the big guy of the central verity of paternity — that it’s a lot more fun to become a father than to be one. “I won’t lie to you,” said the great Homer Simpson. “Fatherhood isn’t easy like motherhood.”

Ken Daniels: Donor Gametes: Anonymous or Identified?

no. 386

Thanks to Wendy Kramer at the DSR for posting info re this scholarly article on the DSR Yahoo Discussion group. Ken Daniels is a leading author and researcher on the topic of donor conception. He is a Professor at the School of Social Work and Human Services, University of Canterbury, Chistchurch, New Zealand.

The full article / chapter is linked through the above blog post title.

Summary Provided by Elsevier:

Ken Daniels, MA (Hons), Dip Soc Stu, Dip App Soc Stu(Professor)Corresponding Author Informationemail address

Published online 10 October 2006.

"The practice of gamete donation has, until recently, been shrouded insecrecy. The stigma associated with infertility and, in particular, donor insemination has been the main factor contributing to thissecrecy. Over the last 20 years, this secrecy and the anonymity of thegamete donors has been challenged. In the first instance, the challenge came from governments in some countries legislating to abolish donor anonymity. Counsellors, social workers and psychologists advocating for the interests and needs of children and their families, as well as parents who did not wish to keep gamete donation secret from their children, were also instrumental in the change of policies and practice. Those offspring who know that they were conceived as aresult of gamete donation are also calling for an end to the secrecy. This chapter reviews the changes that have occurred and which are still occurring, and reviews the research associated with these changes."

BBC 4 Radio: Should Parents Tell Their Children The Truth ?

no. 385

Text from the Program Site:

"Ministers have chosen not to include measures in the new draft Human Tissues and Embryos Bill that would require parents to tell children they are donor-conceived. But the British Association for Adoption and Fostering believes that if someone has been conceived with a sperm or a donor egg, they ought to know. Should parents be obliged to tell children the truth about their biological origins? We hear from Jo Rose, who was conceived from an anonymous sperm donation at Harley Street. She says it has had a profound affect on her life. Miriam O'Reilly also discusses the issue with Dr Allan Pacey from The British Fertility Society and Julia Feast of the British Association for Adoption and Fostering."

Thanks to Buffalo Girl at Whose Daughter for posting about this radio program discussing the current state of donor anonymity in the United Kingdom. Quite compelling. I first blogged about the decision to not require disclosure in the new darft bill back on May 21 linked here.

To link through to the 14 minute radio program interview link through the post title above.

Victoria Australia Commission Recommends Expanded IVF / DI Access

no. 384

Cabinet split looms on IVF

Herald Sun

Ashley Gardiner and Ellen Whinnett
June 08, 2007 12:00am

Excerpts:

"PREMIER Steve Bracks will decide whether lesbians and single women can get IVF treatment in Victoria despite a looming clash in Cabinet.

The Law Reform Commission yesterday recommended sweeping changes that would allow gay couples to adopt children and free up IVF for single women and lesbians.

The report was commissioned by the Bracks Government in 2002, but will face challenges in Cabinet."

The Going Rate for Egg Donors ?

no. 383

I was reading through an issue of the free tabloid newspaper amNY and I was taken by the ad placed by the NYU Fertility Center where they were offering $8,000 as compensation for egg donors.

I know there are centers that pay more and ads that are more glossy but for some reason I was just affected by the number.

June 24, 2006 - California - Donor Conception Related Gathering

no. 382

Later this month, on June 24th, a donor conception gathering is planned to take place at Florin Creek Park and Recreation Center in Sacramento, California.

Everyone is invited. Donors, donor conceived children, donor conceived adults, single mom's by choice, friends, families and any one interested in coming.

Michelle the gathering's organizer asks that interested parties let her know if they are thinking about coming, presumably to help gauge supplies etc. If anyone is interested in contributing to the event or helping out Michelle's contact info is available on the website set up for this gathering.

The site also provides directions, local lodging suggestions etc.

AFA Telephone Support Group re Donor Gametes

no. 381

Tonight the American Fertility Association is holding a telephone support group titled "Parenting Donor Gamete Children (Donor Sperm, Donor Egg, Donor Embryo). The Disclosure Issue: If, What, When, and How."

It was an advance registration group and before being enrolled the moderators asked a series of questions to get a feel where everybody is at regarding whether the participants even have kids yet, how they were conceived, whether other biologicaly connected children are in the household, and if we had any thoughts or basic concerns regarding disclosure.

I am interested to see what the general consensus of the group is on all levels and also curious to see how the group is run. I have never participated in a telephone group before and to date I have only seen the AFA run Ovum Donor seminars as opposed to any involving donor insemination.

I will post how it all went either later tonight or over the next couple of days.

NYC Premiere Donor Insemination Movie: "And Then Came Love"

no. 380

The Lack of a National Discussion Regarding Donor Conception

no. 379

In October 2005, I attended a conference held in Toronto regarding the future of donor conception where I met Mikki Morrissette, the author of Choosing Single Motherhood and also the editor of Voices of Donor Conception. Earlier this week Mikki attended a second conference held in Nanaimo, Canada at Malaspina University - College regarding the Reproductive Technologies. The conference was titled Nobody's Child Everyone's Children.

Mikki's reflections on the conference as they relate to the fact that here in the United States no such national discussion has begun can be found at her blog Choice Mom.

The conference agenda looked quite extensive and I would have loved to go but finances, work, and other responsibilities kept that idea from being anything more than that. If anyone finds any other commentary as it relates to this conferebce please let me know.

Ryan And Anna, Two Half Siblings Meet

no. 378

When Wendy and Ryan Kramer created the Donor Sibling Registry it was for partially so Ryan could find and meet any half siblings that might be out there. After two misses this past February, 2007 a third connection was made that allowed Ryan to finally meet a half sibling, three years younger than Ryan to the day. Wendy Kramer writes about this experience in the May 2007 issue of the AFA newsletter Connections.

It's a very touching piece written by Wendy who after all these years of seeing other families connect finally was able to see the joy on her own son's face when he met his own half sibling.

The closing paragrpah in the article highlights the terminology question of how should these individuals defiine themselvves and each other. More often than not when the individuals are teenagers or older they go straight to "brother / sister" where the adult parents first lean to "half" this or that.

For my own kids and T, we were in control and the kids don't fully understand yet who they are to each other so for now they are still just half siblings. I truly hope my kids develope a close relationship to T as they get older as it would allow them to have someone just like them to comprehend all of this.

Reading the AFA Connections article was special and you felt you were sharing Wendy and Ryan's joy. Two people who deserve it very much.

American Sociological Assn Study : Valuation of Egg and Sperm Donors

no. 377

The ASA released today the results of a study undertaken by Rene Almeling, a UCLA Ph.D. candidate in sociology, where Ms. Almeling reviewed the operations of US sperm banks and egg agencies. The following are excerpts of the study's summary linked through this posts' title.

Excerpts:

“Men donors are paid less for a much longer time commitment and a great deal of personal inconvenience,” she said. “They also are much less prepared for the emotional consequences of serving as a donor of reproductive material. Women, meanwhile, are not only paid more for a much shorter time commitment, they are repeatedly thanked for ‘giving the gift of life.’

“From compensation rates to the smallest details of donor relations, sperm donors are less valued than egg donors,” Almeling said. “Egg donors are treated like gold, while sperm donors are perceived as a dime a dozen.”

“A pronounced double-standard exists in the way that men and women donors are valued by the fertility industry, and it can’t be explained medically or by market forces,” Almeling said. “Based on the availability of donors alone, you would expect the abundance of potential egg donors to drive down compensation fees and the scarcity of potential sperm donors to drive up their fees. But I found just the opposite."

My comments:

I found Ms. Almeling's comments and conclusions interesting as my expectations were very often the opposite of hers. While I do think sperm donors go through a longer comittment period it seems to me that egg donors are subjected to the greater inconveniences of being subjected to actual medical procedures, taking drugs that could affect their own reproductive systems down the road as compared to the men who very often are just “get[ting] paid to do what you [they] already do.” Yes I understand because men are comitted to a longer relationship to their banks they are in effect agreeing to affect their own social lives due to required "abstinences" between "donations".

I am not trying to discount the contribution of the sperm donors as I am greatful for the eventual creation of my own children but I am just surprised by the researcher's own surprise at the results of h er own study.

Parents to Decide Over Secrecy of Sperm Donors Not Birth Certificates

no. 376


The Times Online ran a story on May 18th, linked here, reporting that parents will get to decide whether to tell their children that a sperm donor was used in their conception.

This conclusion is based on the UK Department of Health not including in its draft Human Tissue & Embryos Bill a provision requiring birth certificates to indicate if a child is donor gamete conceived.

The British Association of Adopting and Fostering ("BAAF")had as recently as May 17th called "for amendments to the draft Human Tissues and Embryos Bill to ensure donor-conceived children have access to fundamental information about their identity" via notation on each donor conceived child's birth certificate.

While anyone who reads this blog knows I am favor of openess / disclosure to a DCP of their origin I must admit I am not sure where to come down on the issue of a notation on a individual's birth certificate.

Where I fully understand the purpose of what BAAF is calling for as it would compel a parent to tell, I am concerned that such a mark would lead to secondary status. I would never want my child to be envious of a star belly sneetch or feel they are one and believe it to be mark of unequality. Sorry too much Dr. Seuss in our house this week. I have always been leery of government intruding on privacy issues and this idea scares me.

I also am not sure it is the place of the government to compel parents period. Yes I understand to not tell in effect violates the DCP's right to their own history etc. I also realize it is naive of me to expect all parents to automatically plan to tell but again I have issues with privacy and perceived government intrusion. Hard questions.

Mummy, Daddy, Donor

no. 375

OK, this article, online at the Guardian Unlimited, got me. I admit it, my eyes welled up, and I almost cried. I am a sucker for this kid of story. The article, linked through the blog title above, introduces the reader to an egg donor whose eggs resulted in triplets being born to a couple living in San Francisco, CA. In what is certainly a rare occurence, the egg donor meets her genetic children and their birth parents and ends up participating, unplanned on her part, in the children's baptism. You feel the donor's emotions and when you hear the priest's words you feel the raw emotion.

I am not sure how I will internally react when my kids truly understand and ask about their donor. I don't think I could ever had thought to include the donor in the brith milah ceremony (Jewish circumcision) where my son entered into his covenant with g-d. Perhaps my thoughts would have been different if it was a known donor, but still that level of involvement may have been too much. But when I read this article I was moved by the acts of each of these individuals, the birth parents and the donor and I pray these children will process this all with the love and altrusim of the parties involved. I suspect they will. G-d I hope my own kids do someday.

Beneath the article there is a note that this story is one of several captured in the book Everthing Conceivable by Liza Mundy.

MD Donor Egg Surrogacy Case: No Mother Ruling

no. 374

"Ruling Alters Idea of Mother"
Md. high court finds paternity laws must apply equally to men and women

By Andrea F. Siegel
Sun Reporter
Originally published May 17, 2007

Full Article Linked via Post Title

Excerpts:

"A baby conceived from an egg donated by one woman and implanted in another may have no mother at all under Maryland law, the state's highest court ruled yesterday."

"The man who arranged for the children to be born from his sperm and donated eggs, and the woman with whom he arranged to carry them, brought the case. The two wanted it made clear that she had no legal claims or responsibility for the children."

"The ruling is pioneering because of its basis on the state's Equal Rights Amendment: The court found that paternity laws apply equally to men and women."

""The change is that Maryland's paternity statute - which was written to define paternity - can now be used by women in the same way to challenge maternity. That really is the main and, as I see it, significant change," said University of Baltimore law professor Barbara A. Babb, who directs the law school's Center for Families, Children and the Courts."

BBC Three: The Great Sperm Crisis (Danny Robins)

no. 373

Tonight, 5/17/2007, on BBC Three at 9pm (UK time):

"When comedian and TV presenter Danny Robins travelled the country to highlight the UK's shortage of sperm donors, he was surprised to discover just how many men were prepared to pledge their support."

All kidding aside the post title is linked to a BBC article where the comments section has an interesting cross section of serious comments from former donors and other men on the topic as a whole.

DI Movie: "Semen, Una Historia de Amor" (Semen, A Love Story).

no. 372

How's this for a DI related movie: a Spanish language comedy (subtitled in English) called "Semen, Una Historia de Amor" (Semen, A Love Story). It's about a man working in a donor insemination lab. I heard about it from a DI mom who follows this blog. I have to rent this and watch it. It almost sounds like a Roberto Bennini movie (the guy who wrote and directed Life is Beautiful ).

"A hapless technician in a donor insemination clinic meets a young, single woman and finds himself quite taken with her. Later that same day she comes to his clinic to be inseminated. After accidentally breaking her sample, he of course replaces it with his own (because he doesn't want to get in trouble). She gets pregnant, they start dating, he really wants to tell her but can't, he finds out she is a surrogate for her sister. He REALLY doesn't want her to give his baby away so he kidnaps it from the hospital but he gets the wrong baby. Now he needs to return the baby but can't figure out how. Somehow he gets an address from the other baby's records and when he goes there, it's a fire station. When he talks to them they say "Oh yes, isn't it sad that someone would abandon a baby on our doorstep." He finally confides his deception to the girl, she forgives him, the sister keeps his baby and they keep the abandoned one."

Ok, how's that for a theme for a comedy? And I was concerned about the movie "And Then Came Love" starring Vanessa Williams which at least takes the donor conception topic seriously. Yes I know this Semen movie is fiction, and apparently a screwball comedy, but I would wonder what that kid will think if told his or her conception story. "Well kid this is how your aunt and uncle (bio parents) met... "

NY Times (5/15/07): As Demand for Donor Eggs Soars, High Prices Stir Ethical Concerns

no. 371

The linked articles discusses the prices offered egg donors, the possible medical effects on the egg donors but nowhere from what I see does it address the donor conceived individuals created.

There is a stat from the CDC that in 2003 approximately 5700 babies were born from donor eggs. Interesting that the CDC collects that stat but cannot require sperm banks or clinics to report births resulting froom donor sperm (not that I think they could accurately collect that info - see prior blog post).

Haaretz.com: USA Limits Donor Offspring to 10 ?

no. 370

Re: Serious Failures Found at [Israeli] Hospital Sperm Banks

Dear Ran Reznick:

http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/857746.html

In your article, published online 5/10/2007, regarding serious failures at Israeli sperm banks you state that "In the United States, donors are limited to 10 births to decrease the chance of incest among offspring. "

I'd like to know where you got that "fact". I know of no regulation or law that requires sperm banks to monitor live births much less pregnancies achieved. As a parent to two donor conceived children here in the USA we would love to see reform that would limit the donor conceived offspring born to a single donor but as of yet we have no legislation.

Thank you,

Eric Schwartzman

http://di-dad.blogspot.com

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I sent the above inquiry today to the reporter who wrote the article linked above. I would have posted my inquiry as a comment to the article but no option was provided.

Did I sleep through some major legislative pacakge here in the United States? I will give the reporter the benefit of the doubt but I don't believe we have any such legislation either at the federal or state level in the United States. But if anyone reading this knows on what basis the reporter got this info I'd love to hear it.

Donor Sperm TV Story Line Alert: Monday 5/7 at 8:30 pm EST

no. 369

Apparently the plot of tonight’s episode of this show is that Robert (Duane Martin) finds out that Neesee (LisaRaye McCoy) is planning to visit a sperm bank in order to have a baby and questions her reasoning for going through with the procedure.

I know nothing about this show and the following is from the CW website for the show:

“Returning for a fourth season, ALL OF US, the series inspired by the domestic adventures of entertainment superstars Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, reflects a new generation's enlightened attitude toward juggling ex-spouses, dating and professional lives with humor, sensitivity and heart.

Robert (Duane Martin, "Deliver Us from Eva") and Neesee James (LisaRaye McCoy, "Beauty Shop") are divorced. But that doesn't mean their complicated and sometimes stormy relationship is over. Not only do they share custody of their 6-year-old son, Bobby Jr. (Khamani Griffin, "Daddy Day Care") but for the last year, they've been sharing a house.”

diBabyGap.com - Coming to a Mall Near You ?

no. 368

I happened upon the above website diBaby.com and my immediate reaction seeing the name was to ask did I happen upon a retail site like Baby Gap? Turns out the page is an extension of the web site The Baby Corner which is an information resource and bulletin board service. But my first reaction was what the heck is this?

The site does not appear to have any direct live links back to The Baby Corner but is clearly related to it by the corporate footer at the bottom of the page. What is strange about this page is that The Baby Corner has a number of donor conception related pages, all pretty much standard definitions, basic issue stuff, so why would they feel they needed a new separate website with the name diBaby.com? I have submitted a question to them to find out more as I am curious.

I almost thought at first this was a site like the SpermCenter which is one stop shopping for sperm donors across many different cryobanks or a site for an organization similiar to The Abraham Center, the Texas based embryo adoption center which was in the news.

Maybe they'll do a promotion with the Gap where they will sell t-shirts that say diBabyGap.com? They would certainly be a attention getter and conversation starter at the neighborhood playground.

DSR Radio Interview WBAI - 5/4/2007

no. 367

Wendy and Ryan Kramer of the Donor Sibling Registry were interviewed on Friday May 4, 2007 by a weekly radio program titled "Healthstyles" which aired at 1:00pm. The program is available to interested listeners for 89 days from today via the on-lines archives of WBAI.

http://archive.wbai.org/

Just scroll down once you link through to this page to the listing for Healthstyles on May 4th and you can enjoy their interview. For people interested in learning aboout the DSR, its founders and purposes it's a wonderful way to do so by hearing the info right from Wendy and Ryan directly.

Alec Brownstein: "Lega-Seeds" - DI Offspring of Harvard Grads

no. 366

I first saw mention of this blog piece on the DSR yahoo group thanks to Wendy. As a social dad I loved it. Link to it via this post's title.

As a parent already planning for paying for two college educations could I use the legacy systems to get my kids an edge? Could I use this info to get them into Harvard? Very amusing and worth a two minute read.

Makes me wonder what made this Alec Brownstein guy think up this story.

Manchester Evening News: Men Still Donating Sperm

no. 365

According to an article published in the UK on March 5, 2007:

"the first full-year figures from the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) since the change [in the law regarding donor anonymity] show a 6% rise in the number of men registering as donors.A total of 265 new sperm donors (of which 208 were based in the UK) were registered with the HFEA in the 12 months to 31 March last year."

The full article is presented on this blog's Annex as linked through the above post title.

All I can say is that the men I speak to on the DI Dads Yahoo Discussion Group seem to indicate that locating a clinic in the UK with an available donor pool with any choices is near to impossible. That tells me more than any statistical report.

Excerpted:

"HFEA chair Shirley Harrison said: "Many commentators continue to claim that the change in the law to remove anonymity for sperm and egg donors would lead to an immediate and steep fall in the number of donors."These new figures show that the predicted drop in sperm donor numbers is a myth.""

""NGDT chair Laura Witjens welcomed the increase but said the number of donors were still far short of the estimated 500 donors needed to meet demand. .... "The most important lesson that can be learned from this is that recruiting donors can be done," she said."

Jewish Bioethics & a Call for Access to Donor Medical Records

no. 364

In the Thursday, May 3, 2007 edition of Washington Jewish Week Online Edition staff writer Eric Fingerhut interviews Rabbi Elliott Dorff, a frequent writer on Jewish Law and Bioethics. Within the article the Rabbi called for greater access to donor medical records for donor conceived individuals. The pertinent excerpts of the article are printed below:

“Among the most important bioethical matters in the Jewish community today is infertility and the issues that arise from it, said Dorff.

With Jews getting married later in life, women have a tougher time conceiving children and couples are increasingly turning to donor sperm or eggs.

But when those children become teenagers, and want to find out "who [they] are," they can't look to their father and mother to see the exact sources, for instance, of their various personality traits.

Thus, he would like to see donor banks collect and make information available for children. He pointed out that there are some facilities already doing this, such as a California sperm bank that tapes interviews of donors talking about themselves and allows children to get information on their biological heritage. “

My comment:

Many, not all, cryobanks here in the US already provide some data regarding the health of the donors. What I think needs reformation is some sort of standardization of that information across all banks with some sort of minimum level of info that must be provided. I am not even talking about testing of the donor sperm but merely standardization of the info that must be available to the parents and the donor conceived individuals. Furthermore that info must be made available for a minimum of some period of years, at least say 25 years past the last date sperm samples were sold so that DCPs who were not provided that info by their parents have at least som shot of finding the info. We not even getting into medical conditions that arise after the donations have stopped. That's another issue which I am not sure we can ever mandate.

According to the article:

“[Rabbi] Dorff will be speaking on "Bioethics: A Progressive Jewish Perspective" at Adat Shalom Reconstructionist Congregation in Bethesda on Sunday, May 6, 2007, at 6:30 p.m. The program is co-sponsored by the Institute for Science and Judaism”

Book Alert: "Tomorrow" by Graham Swift

no. 363

Book Alert: Tomorrow by Graham Swift
Published by Picador
September 2007 – expected US Publish date

SPOILER ALERT

This post is not so much a book review as it is a book alert. One reason for this is I have not read the book and only heard about it today.

In short, the book is narrated by Paula, a 49 year old British wife and mother, while she lays in bed late at night next to her sleeping husband. She has a secret to tell her 16 year old twins. Now if I am writing about this book it should be obvious that the secret is that they are donor conceived. The mother recounts her and her husband’s life and everything that brought her to this point the night before she and her husband are to tell her unsuspecting children the truth.

As I cannot truly comment on the book as a literary work I thought it would be appropriate to provide excerpts of published reviewers that have read the book. My only observation is that I am not surprised that the topic has reached into popular fiction as I know that it has been addressed in earlier books. What I do find interesting are my reactions to the reviewer’s texts.

Overall it appears to me the book is a long and drawn out read about the parents’ lives which does not appear to address how they chose the donor, the thought processes behind their choice, any thought by the parents about the ramifications of using DI or why and how they determined that they would tell the children after they turned 16.

The Independent
A lovely trip to a humdrum destination
By Carol Birch
Published: 27 April 2007

“So what is the dreadful secret to be unveiled tomorrow, a revelation long ago scheduled for "after their 16th birthday"? What could possibly be so terrible that it might split asunder this close and loving family?

When the bombshell finally explodes, it does so with all the shock value of a child sticking out two fingers and shouting "bang!" Is that it? You say, and read on to the book's quiet end. Dawn, and the revelation is still to be made. What to make of it? Perhaps Paula is delusional. Is her life so content that she feels the fragility of it, and perversely has to manufacture a drama of monumental size? Mike, she says, is "like a man finding it in him to sleep on the eve of his execution". Perhaps he sleeps so soundly because there really is nothing too much to worry about.”

Eric: Nothing to worry about? If I had not told my kids until after they turned 16 and they were about to learn I was not their father I’d bet I‘d be up all night.

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The Guardian - Digested Read
John Crace
Tuesday May 1, 2007

Eric: You almost have to read the whole review (it’s quite short) as the reviewer is digesting the book more than somewhat tongue in cheek.

“I rushed home and told Mike that, consumed as I was with lust for him, I needed a child and we should try artificial insemination. Yet if I was to receive an unknown man's sperm, I needed to know what it was like to have another man inside me. At least that's the ridiculous reason I'm giving you for the unconvincing one-night stand I had with the vet. Don't worry, though, my little snails, the vet is not your father. The thing that will change your lives for ever is far duller than that. It is that your birth father was a sperm donor.

Yes, we love you as much as if you were our real children - Mike even saved you from drowning once. But can you ever forgive us, my little whelks, for him not being your real father? Will you leave us? We shall find out tomorrow. Or maybe I should just get out more.”

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Eric: The US Amazon book site had little info outside various newspaper site one line throwaway reviews for the author, previous works and the current book .

The UK Amazon book site included one personal reader review including the following comment:

“Tomorrow's event which Paula has been worrying about turns out to be a huge let-down. Sure it is a revelation which will take some getting used to, but in this day and age it is hardly unusual. Talk about making a drama out of a crisis.”

AFA Telephone Support Group: 5/31/2007 Parenting Donor Gamete Children

no. 362

Copied entirely from American Fertility Association email :

"TOPIC: Parenting Donor Gamete Children (Donor Sperm, Donor Egg, Donor Embryo).
The Disclosure Issue: If, What, When, And How".

This coaching group is accessible to you via your telephone.
It is appropriate for couples and individuals who

• Are considering the use of donor sperm, egg, or embryo to create their children
  
• Are already parenting children created by donor sperm, egg, or embryo
  

During this one hour group conference call, you will have the opportunity to receive information on:

• The pros and cons of disclosure to children of their genetic origin
  
• What and when to share this information with children if you so choose
  
• If and how to share this information with family and friends

You will also have the opportunity to share information and support one another in making this decision and implementing this aspect of parenting.

When:
Thursday, May 31, 2007

Time:
9:00 PM to 10:00 p.m. PM, EST

Facilitators:
Joann Paley Galst, Ph.D. and Patricia Mendell, L.C.S.W


NO FEE for AFA MEMBERS !


For more information, and to register, contact:
Joann Galst (jgalst@aol.com or 212-759-2783)
or Patricia Mendell (pmendell@aol.com or 212-819-1778)