Friday, December 02, 2005

Too Painful to Listen to the Donor’s Voice….Not Yet Anyway….

A Choice Mom friend who is also a journalist working on an article sent me various questions to answer regarding how my wife and I chose our donor. As part of that selection process 4+ years ago my wife listened to a CD voice recording of the donor (and other potential donors) before we selected the donor we used.

My wife remarked last night that I still have not listened to that CD and she wondered if I am threatened by it. I was not sure how to answer. I don't believe I am but right now I guess I'd rather leave "him" as a theoretical being rather than have his voice in my head making him real.

Granted I have seen a photo of him but in it he is only a toddler. He was too cute to be threatening. As discussed in my post titled “Emotional Blackmail” we are currently attempting to purchase a set of “lifetime photos” of the currently inactive donor which if successful would include photos from childhood to adulthood. Am I ready to see these? Like the voice recording probably not yet.

Again the question is: Am I threatened by this individual? Possibly but the real reason I think is once he becomes real it just drudges up the pain of my not being able to biologically be part of the creation of my children (and that he was) and pushes my connection to them one step back.. I know these thoughts are silly but they are my feelings.

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