The Great Sperm Heist

Great article about donor conception and the sperm heist. The twist here I had not seen in earlier exposes that the sperm of healthy patients being stolen like this. I thought I had seen it all in these stories. Apparently not. 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/sep/25/the-great-sperm-heist-they-were-playing-with-peoples-lives


#DonorConceived #DonorSperm #FertilityFraud #AncestryDNA #DNATesting #FamilySecrets #DNADetectives 

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The Great Sperm Heist

Great article about donor conception and the sperm heist. The twist here I had not seen in earlier exposes that the sperm of healthy patients being stolen like this. I thought I had seen it all in these stories. Apparently not.


#DonorConceived #DonorSperm #FertilityFraud #AncestryDNA #DNATesting #FamilySecrets #DNADetectives

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2006 Video re This DI Dad’s Fears

Fears in 2006. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7pC_59Uw4D4

Back in 2006 when my #donorconceived children were still small, four and under, I contributed this video to a fledgling #internationalinfertilityfilmfestival  organized by Melissa Ford aka #StirrupQueens repping the #donorconception side of TTC and #RecipientParents, although that phrase was not yet in vogue.  I did not know what to submit.  I think this was my second entry.  I simply read a chapter I had written and contributed to the #VoicesofDonorCobception book edited by #MikkiMorrisette jointly with the #DonorSiblingRegistry.  I had only been publicly  in this world for a year or so.  And as my kids were young my fears still present in my day to day life raising them as 1/2 of a married couple.

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Will My Kids Be OK ?

The truth is no one can give you an answer to that question or any question that definitively can predict the future. The only fact that is definite, is one parents don't want to hear and that is to not choose donor conception. It's sounds horrible to be that blunt, but it's the only option you know with 100% certainty the outcome.
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Putting that aside our job as parents is to protect our children and to prepare them for what they need to face in life. If we choose donor conception as a family building method there are responsibilities we have, in my opinion, that all start with being truthful.
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Part of that truth is that a choice was made that was beyond the donor conceived child's control. Again I am not saying anything new here.
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As individuals we make choices and family building is one of them. We make choices based on many factors. Infertility. Economics. Faith. Family. We make these choices for ourselves everyday.
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Where families are grown without the need for medical intervention those choices are generally accepted as personal and kids are stuck with the choices parents make. No one chooses who their parents are. That happens here too but in the former scenario the children are connected to their parents biologically.
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Let's get back to the question. Will my kids be ok?
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The answer has many layers. A lot of it comes down to actions, luck of the draw, and planning. We all want to say that love and desire alone will ensure the child will be ok. But even in families that have absolutely perfect loving parents that are open and transparent and listen fully, that an individual born via donor conception may have questions or desires for something "missing".
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Some individuals never feel anything is missing from their life. They don't have any desire to find that absent biological connection. Dare I say that blood parent. They don't need to know a medical or ethnic history that comes from their donor. But some do. Even in perfect households.
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My kids have rarely asked about their donor. They have had moments of curiosity and even joined 23 and Me to put their genes out there to see what may happen. It confirmed that my two are full siblings and that their half sibling sister is exactly that. My kids found two of their three known half siblings via the Donor Sibling Registry and their newest half sibling found them via an Ancestry DNA match.
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I can't quote surveys but I can say most kids who grow up knowing do better by not having a secret waiting to be discovered and found out shocking their sense of identity. That is a big big deal. Will they have questions? Maybe. Will they have a desire to search? Maybe. Maybe not.
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Will they have you by their side to listen and to validate their questions or concerns? That is up to you. Will they wonder what if? Maybe.
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Will your kids be ok?
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I can't say. There are possible challenges. There are unknowns. Each brings a risk.
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I am not saying any of this to scare anyone. I am saying it because this is the reality you face when choosing donor conception. My kids are good kids. They are my kids no matter what. I am not their biological father. But I am their Dad. We have lived through too much together to question that.
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Are they ok? So far. My job was / is to raise them and protect them and guide them. My responsibility is to be truthful with them, listen to them, respect their questions and decisions, and to put their needs in this area ahead of mine.
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Did I mess up their lives? Only they can answer that. When we ask will they be ok, are we asking to answer our fears or are we asking to propel us to give them the tools and info to ensure they are.
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Choosing donor conception is a choice that requires an acknowledgment of responsibility to not hide from the issues our children may face and the responsibility that we made that decision.
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Make what you will of my words.
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#recipientparent #donorconception # donorsperm #donoregg #biologicalparent
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Repost via @inconceivedable with @make_repost


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Sides of the Circle. Understanding Donor Conception.

I am still here. I am just mostly over there. On Instagram.

My focus is still on my children. Working to be a good Dad. To recognize it's not about me. That realization came long ago. Trying to help others with questions they may have. I can't say I am pro DC or that I am anti DC. I understand the feelings on all sides of this circle. It is sides of a circle as for so many it still is a raw reaction that makes people want to see things as black and white. It either is a bad thing or it's a wonderful thing. In truth it's a thing that has many sides of a circle in that we need to recognize each other's feelings and you can't really expect someone to make a 90 degree turn and get it. It takes time and gradual course corrections and points of understanding. The slow curve of a circle.

I am today as I found myself in 2005 working from the middle. I got knocked here quickly at that Toronto Conference hosted by Diane Allen where I met so many wonderful people. Diane of course. Wendy and Ryan Kramer. Olivia Montuschi. And several others including Jo and Rebecca that allowed me to see differing experiences. Jarringly so for a youngish dad of 41.

So today I am here in the middle or rather continuing around the sides of this circle. Still learning. Still listening. Trying to help or explain nuances where I can.

Follow me on Instagram

I have not abandoned this blog. Really.  But it does seem that Instagram has become the faster avenue for me to post images, links, comments etc. 

Long form commentary I will still post here. These are my roots. Since 2005. 

Below are images of the posts I have uploaded / published to Instagram since Mid June alone.

Please join me on Instagram at Instagram.com/life_di_dad/

You Are Not My Real Dad

You are not my real dad. I feared hearing those words.  I knew one day they would be said. It did not make the fear any easier or the pain of hearing them being said.  But I also knew because I am a good dad the hurt would pass.  

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There are so many fears that dads like me have.  None are as cutting as this statement. Many involve rejection but this statement is one all dads, or any non genetic parent, will face someday.  Even if not said aloud it's bound to happen. Most bio parents get it in the form of a wish statement in anger. For us it can said in anger, it can be said off hand. It hurts either way. On one hand it hurts due to its plain truth.  Most kids know it's not true and that dad is dad and after whatever fight it's said within they will apologize buts it's been said.

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Once it's said it's been said. That initial pain will pass. It's possible you will hear it again in anger at another point but hopefully it may not have the same piercing pain it held that first time. 

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It will always be a phrase held in a donor conceived individual's back pocket.  Simply because.  But because I am a real dad, despite not being their bio father, I realize that if they need to say it they are doing so in exasperation, a need to be in control.  

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To move past it the heat of the moment the best response is to validate the statement's blade even if you disagree with the statement's purpose.  Let your child, your teen, the adult standing before you have a moment. Let them know you are there for them.  The sting you feel may still be hurting but I can bet it's hurting more for them by saying it.  

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There are moments in our lives as recipient parents we must prepare for. For ourselves. For them.  This statement is one of them. 

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[Note - my daughter actually said this to me somewhere around two years ago. I am not sure if exactly when. There is a post on it in this blog when it happened.]

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https://www.instagram.com/p/CDL387thofV/?igshid=1bm6ug86oo5xs

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#parenting #donorconceived #donorconception #donorinsemination #malefactorinfertility #adoption #youarenotmyrealdad 

#youarenotmyrealmom

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My Take on Telling

When we were kids the word “telling” usually involved tattling and getting someone in trouble. Maybe that is when we all started associating telling with a secret or ratting someone out and disclosing something that should be left unsaid.

Telling in the donor conception world is no less fraught with fear, apprehension, relief and honesty depending on who is doing the telling, who is hearing the telling and of course what is being told.

My own views of telling after all these years is that it represents openness and truth and information that does not belong to me. The question that comes next for me today is that as a dad to two donor conceived children, now teenagers, who am I allowed as their guardian to tell and if so when.

But let’s take a step back. To when this journey began for my family and how my views on telling came to be.

Like many young couples experiencing infertility, especially male factor issues, there is a historical societal push to brush it under the rug for fears of emasculating the husband of his stature etc with the knowledge that no one needs to know and it’s for the benefit of the child and the family that no one know that perhaps donor sperm was used to conceive and create the family.

First off I have never liked sweeping things under rugs or hiding things. Second, I hate the concept of stigmas. When I was a kid I knew a couple of kids that were adopted and they were normal kids but somehow the issue of their adoption was a thing. Back then I did not understand why but I also knew that something was a thing.

Telling for me is the overall understanding that children created via donor conception methods have a full right to know their story and that they be given the opportunity to claim their story and narrative. That as parents we support their wishes and their questions.

Kids

We decided early on that our children would know their conception story. Pretty much from birth each child would be told that a donor helped create them. At age two, or thereabouts, we started reading donor conception themed books to my son and as his sister came along soon after she heard the same stories from day one. He had accompanied us to visits to the hospital infertility clinic and knew mommy and daddy were trying to have a brother or sister for him. We did get some evil stares from people bringing a child along sometimes but we had no one to watch him and he being the generally well behaved kid he was at that young age usually won over the room. This without wearing a t-shirt that said don’t hate me I am an IUI baby.

Parents, Siblings, and Extended Family
Parents knew early on that our plan was to try to use my stuff via a testicular biopsy in conjunction with IVF. I don’t recall now if we told them during our attempts that we had chosen a donor as a backup. When my Ex was pregnant with our son both sets of parents certainly knew that a donor had been used. My sister knew but my wife’s brother may not have, at the beginning, as he was somewhat religious in his faith and we were unsure as to his reaction. Eventually he was told.

I felt it was important that the immediate family that the kids would interact with the most know the truth so any side comments etc would not be treated as secrets etc to be hidden and whispered about. As half siblings were found and we started spending family vacation visiting these siblings it made it easier for family to know who we were off seeing and who these folks were coming to NYC especially as my kids refer to their half siblings as their sister and now brothers.

Extended family including aunts, uncles, and cousins we never directly told. I can’t account for whether my parents or her parents told anyone, or whether our siblings told anyone else in the family. They may have but we never specifically told anyone not to tell. We do believe it is our children’s story and if they want to tell people it is their decision to do so.

Doctors, Teachers, and Indian Chiefs

Pediatricians were told and highlights from the donor’s medical profile shared as we filled out the normal paperwork all doctors generate as we have taken the kids from doctor to doctor. Teachers found out on their own as they assigned family based projects and our kids explained that they have half-siblings that live in different homes or when they used medically accurate terms to describe generally what gametes are needed to create a baby. Those were some amusing phone calls after other parents learned from their kids how babies were made. Oops sorry.

You must also understand that we live in NYC; the family configurations you run into on the playgrounds and classrooms vary in every shape, color, and size. My kids from K to 5 had friends who were from mommy and daddy homes, single mommy homes, and two mommy homes. These kids all learned to accept it as normal the different types of families that exist.

Friends and Colleagues

The decision who to tell here was always on a case by case basis. Those they needed to know why we were late to work needed to know. When I had my biopsies I told a few close colleagues that knew what we were dealing with emotionally and so the questions why I was walking with a cane each time would not be a distraction. And as anyone knows, infertility and IVF are tough emotionally. A number of close friends knew. Others learned from press that I did as I became the poster boy for men dealing with MFI who then chose DI / IUI to create our family. One childhood friend’s mom learned by reading of it in the USA Today article she found outside her hotel room. My blog extended the circle as to who knew. The USA Today article lead to members of our Temple to know that had not known.

Clergy

Our local Rabbi was told as my Ex was going through a conversion to Judaism and we wanted to ensure the children would be considered Jewish or what steps would be needed to consecrate each child as Jewish. In the end my son is currently irreligious and did not become a bar mitzvah, his choice, so that reasoning went out the window. He did have a brith milah and she a baby naming. My daughter also dropped out of Hebrew school before becoming a Bat Mitzvah. I regret these decisions but they were theirs and at the times we were dealing with other issues that took center stage.

I grew up in a mostly secular home but the Shul / Temple was the center of social and cultural life in the town we initially grew up in so it was important for me that the donor be Jewish and that we started the kids out with a Jewish upbringing, My daughter does say Shabbat prayers with me each week on candle sticks that have been in my family and generally continuously lit each week for close to 125 plus years.

Summary

Telling involves several factors. Being honest with your child. Being honest with yourself. Deciding who should be told and who does not need to know. When do you bring it up and when do you stop telling reserving those decisions for your child to make giving them the power to decide who knows their story.

The physical act of telling may stop but the knowledge becomes inherent in the base of everything life touches. Not generally present but a pillar in the life that builds upon it. The donor conceived’s life as well as the parents. It’s either a joint foundation when the child is told or separate pillars each not as strong individually when secrets are kept.

I have counseled families and individuals to at a minimum tell their child as early as possible. Beyond that no one else truly needs to know. But in creating an atmosphere where it is not a secret, the child and individual they grow into, in theory, will process at least who they are with a stronger sense of self. Telling allows a freedom for everyone to be honest. There will certainly be more questions, and identity junctures along their path, but telling starts their story with all that is known on the table.

You Were So Wanted

This morning I reposted on Instagram a children's book recommendation regarding a book that addresses how babies are made for preschoolers but which specifically avoids the typical "you were so wanted" language that exists in many books geared forwards donor conceived children.

I wanted to discuss and ask why this language is triggering for many when it is employed in this manner.

I get the concept as we have discussed often that telling a donor conceived person that they should be happy to just be alive is not a valid or helpful argument to ever make because it is not the issue. The issue is the manner of their creation and how that this constructed creation cuts off a donor conceived person from their biological parent, heritage, and needed medical family history.

I expect it's much the same concept here that the "wanted" construct is being used to circumvent any negative reaction to the knowledge that their donor conception did cause those connections to be broken. The feeling being that the "wanted" construct is just the first act to push children, some might argue brainwash them, into being good little commodities and accept their creation story when in fact they were created for the benefit of their recipient parents.

I am writing this with language I have heard and read for years that I personally have felt a bit terse but I fully understand the intense feelings and arguments behind. Remember I am one of those recipient parents but one who has been trying to further the discussion so please forgive me this moment of reaction as I put forth my inquiry.

So I guess my question is have I accurately stated the objections to the "you were so wanted" construct used in kids books? Am I missing something else that recipient parents should understand and be able to address with their kids to fairly balance out the construct. I am sure a few psychologists out here can help with the theory in lay terms we can use to help our kids.

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Difficult Conversations

I Wish Statement # 1 re Donor Conception

I Wish Statement # 2

So I was asked by Miss.Conception Coach to submit another whiteboard "I Wish" statement. This was my first thought. It was not directly infertility related, despite my still being infertile, but it's what came to mind. My kids are teens so far past the TTC stage. Thought this was the more appropriate audience for it.

I try to tell families TTC that the experiences and mindsets of each DCP I meet or speak to vary with each person's life story and life path. For some, as we all know by following various posts here, learning your conception story later in life is sometimes a challenge and leads to more emotional questions. For others it's more theoretical. It runs the gamut of reactions. Even when kids know their story from birth it does not mean as young adults or later in life they won't question the use of DC family building methods, or will or will not want or need to learn more about their donors.

I counsel TTC families that they need to look at the use of donor conception methods from all perspectives and that they need to address the tougher questions and possibilities in order to make informed decisions and to be supportive of their child's rights and feelings.

But again this "I Wish" statement was the whiteboard statement that I posted and submitted upon request. What would be your "I Wish" statement?

If you are open to it I'd like to publish a few on my IG account either anonymously or with simply a first name so others can see the wishes you put forth.

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My Recent Instagram Life_DI_Dad Page

instagram.com/life_di_dad

Thirty Instagram posts since I posted my last Blog entry.  Interesting.  I admit it's fast and easy mostly.  Check out all of these posts live on my Instagram feed at @Life_DI_Dad

I am enjoying the medium and the connection to the donor conception and male factor infertility communities.

An Updated Fathers Day Letter to Our Donor

In 2007, I wrote a letter to my children's sperm donor on Father's Day which I periodically have reposted on subsequent Father's Days.  This year my letter concludes with an update to that letter while keeping its original text. 

2007:

With Father's Day on the horizon my thoughts stray to the man whose gift allowed my children to come into being. This man is not the doctor or mid wife that delivered them. This man is their sperm donor. My children were conceived via Donor Insemination.

Without this man's gift, these children would never have come into being and into my and my wife's life. I am occasionally asked if I resent that this man could do what I could not. I can comfortably say I do not. On the contrary I want to thank him.

When I was diagnosed with non-obstructive azoospermia 12 years ago I was told that I should expect to never have children of my own. The fact that my children are not biologically linked to me has never lessened my love for them nor my belief that they are indeed my children. At the same time I am cognizant that there is another man whose role cannot be nor should be minimized.

To me he is and is not simply their donor. For now to my children he is in effect non-existent as they don't fully understand the concept of donor insemination. They have been told of their conception story and that a donor was used but this is still too much for them to truly comprehend as they are both less than six years old. Someday soon this will change and I wonder how that will play out. For now the knowledge of his existence rests with my wife and me and as I see it I have a responsibility to not let the truth of him fade away.

The lives of my children are as much connected to him as they are to me. I do not pretend to argue nurture is greater than nature but rather together play a role in these children's lives. I have his bios, medical, social, and educational. I have a toddler picture of him and a recording of his voice. All of this info is being saved for them as it is part of who they are.

Every day I see articles addressing infertility and the use of donor conception from the side of the couples going through infertility, women choosing single motherhood, or lesbian or gay couples looking to start families. There are court cases around the country redefining what is family and who has the right to be legally defined as a parent or not. Under New York State law I am considered the legal father to my children. But despite that fact I know that someday my children will wonder about the man that is one half of their genetic make up.

Most heterosexual families of donor conceived children choose to never tell their children of the conception story fearing the child will turn against the social parent or for fear or shame of the perceived stigmas of using another person's sperm or eggs to create their children. In my opinion these parents do so for their own reasons and not for the benefit of the children who have a right to the truth. I recently contributed an essay to a book series titled "Voices of Donor Conception" and have been increasingly involved in the discussions of these topics on the Internet.

The central issues surrounding donor conception, including donor anonymity, regulation and reform, have been or are being addressed in several countries around the world including Great Britain, Australia, New Zealand and Canada among others. The United States has not yet entered that discussion and currently there are no federal laws directly regulating the sale of gametes [i] nor are there any regulations imposed on the administration of the various cryobanks and clinics that solicit gamete donations and sell these gametes to the public. I am in favor of reforming the practices of this industry but I am not here today for that purpose.

I no longer fear the donor's shadow but rather acknowledge his presence and if my children ask that his contribution be honored this or on a future Father's Day I must honor their wishes if I am half the father I believe myself to be to them. So on their behalf I wish him a Happy Father's Day and I say to him thank you for allowing me to do the same.

[i] "Reproduction and Responsibility: The Regulation of New Biotechnologies" The President's Council on Bioethics, Washington, D.C., March 2004, Chapter 

2020:

My children are now 18 and almost 16 years old.  In these intervening years they have come to fully understand the role their donor plays in their creation. One has intermittently sought to take steps to find their donor, with both registered on Ancestry and 23 and Me.  The Ancestry listing has resulted in finding a new half sibling bringing their known sibling group up to a total of five.   I expect it is only a matter of time that technology and such services will result in their finding the donor intentionally or just passively in this manner. 

The children's mother and I divorced several years ago with us each involved now in long term relationships and my soon to be young adults interacting with these new adults in their lives. The donor if found would only add to this list of parental figures. I am confident they would at a minimum show the donor the respect he deserves if he came into their lives. 

I can't say they will buy him a Father's Day card as my two are typical teens in that they don't send me a card without nudging them. I admit I would be jealous if they organically sent him a card.  

The United States is no further along then it was in 2007 with regards to regulation of the donor conception industry. The Internet has brought since a host of groups and individuals that will allow my children to explore their conception story and their feelings about their story in ways I could not imagine when they were born.  

I am forever their dad. The donor will forever be their biological father.  The fears I once had of him faded years ago. I wonder this Father's Day what his thoughts are each year on this day. Does he wonder about the children that he helped bring into this world. Is he fearful of their shadow as I once was of his. Would he welcome them into his life if that is their desire or at least would he answer any questions they may have. 

I continue to endeavor to raise them to be good humans.  They each have their own foibles. They each struggle with normal rites of passage as we all did and do. As they step closer to the edges of adulthood I hope I have helped them understand a bit more of their story. I hope he would be proud of who they are as I am. 

If by some chance you are reading this, I again wish you on their behalf a happy Father's Day and thank you for bringing them into my life. 

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One Part of the Family Story

Julie over at the Instagram account HappyTogetherChildrensBook I believe truly nails the message I have come to believe over all these years.  Donor Conception is only part of each family's story.

At the same time Jana Rupnow through her Instagram account Three Makes Baby has created a new Family Tree Project where the traditional family tree is upended to include epigenetic influences which extend beyond simple bloodlines.  Epigenetic influences include non-physical traits and physical traits of family members you live with and various traits with family members you don't live with as well as other factors that influenced the individual's life including climate, activities, food as well as cities the individual has lived in.

At the core of all this to me is how we live our lives.  Certainly a donor conceived individual's genetic and medical history that come from their biological parents, including their donor, play a big part of an individual's story and that of their family.   There is no denying that in any lexicon. But it's not the whole story.  How we live our lives and the time we devote to differing segments of our life also play major roles in our stories.  Our achievements and tragedies play a role in our development.

My children, my teenagers, may have started their story from the genetic code wrapped up in their DNA, which they got from their biological father, their donor, and their mother, my ex-wife.  But their social development was also impacted by my divorce from their mother.  It is also impacted by the schools they attended and the neighborhoods we live in and the friends they chose.

The drive to find a donor or biological half siblings can consume a donor conceived individual's time and focus.   For some that focus is key to understanding who they are.  But their story includes many facets of who they choose to be as well.  Granted those choices are shaded and colored in by how these choices may be preprogrammed into each of us.   Don't read this to insinuate I am a fatalist.  I am not.

One of the hardest concepts that parents must understand, whether it's a SMBC, a single dad, a pair of hetero parents or a same sex couple, is that donor conception was merely a tool, an avenue, that allows families to be created.  Donor conception sidestepped the anguish, and pain of facing the infertile diagnosis.  As parents it's how we raise our donor conceived children that define our stories.  Our jobs are to focus on their needs.  Helping them to process their story, but also to allow them to live full and robust lives.  Our family stories are not defined solely by the use of donor conception, but as our children grow, it is how our families live our lives that are primary drivers of the family, donor conception is major factor but only one part of our stories.

Future Guest on Podcast Three Makes Baby

Later this month I will be recording a guest spot on the Three Makes Baby podcast. It's been a while since I have done anything like this so it should be interesting.

Post 637

I started publicly addressing the topic of #donorconception, specifically #malefactorinfertility and #donorinsemination in 2005 when my son was three and my daughter one,  At that time very few men were public speaking on these topics much less admitting that they were infertile or statistically infertile.  Technology has changed, social media has changed, but human emotions and the rights our kids deserve have not.

I am looking forward to the discussion.  After 15 years of addressing this topic from a parent's perspective I still have a lot to say.  So wait to for a date announcement and stay tuned.  Anything you want my opinion on?  Let me know.

instagram.com/threemakesbaby

Bonding

How can I expect a child that is not mine to ever bond with me?

I am afraid she will never love me as I am not her real dad?

My parents said if we use donor sperm the child will know I am a fake and hate me?

Post 636 

Almost every man who has considered using donor insemination to start a family has had questions and fears such as these at one point or another.  Even if just for one minute the concern has existed.  The question comes up almost every time a new member joins the DI Dads group either on the Yahoo Discussion Group or the Facebook group.

I will readily admit it was a fear of mine.  I worried about it a lot.

There is an Instagram feed from a new dad Alex called Pursuing Fatherhood that I have recently been following.  He and his wife chose donor insemination to start their family.  He recently published a post asking the viewer if they felt connected to their donor conceived child.  He followed the above image with several photos of himself with his new daughter.  Beautiful photos of them together.

When men ask this question in the group they are generally just beginning their journey addressing their infertility and are grappling with several issues and fears at once.  Usually the grouping is a mix of self doubt, pain, and issues of self worth and manliness.  It’s a hard mix and all interconnected.  

Depending on what stage a man is in,  in his journey,  the answer given to his questions will take hold in different ways.

A man who is still coming to terms with his infertility may take an answer regarding bonding as wishful thinking.  A man who has accepted his diagnosis and who has discussed his feelings and concerns with his partner will be hopeful.  But in the end like any parent to be you just don’t know what will happen and you are simply praying for a healthy kid.

I have found that fathers bonding with their children depends a lot on the father themself.  What kind of person he is.  What is his style.  What are his existing relationships with family, friends, and how he conducts himself in life.

A man that is open and inviting and generally is open usually bonds quicker than a man who is closed off and does not participate in caring and raising of the family children.  It sounds like a cliche but it is generally true that a new father who actively is involved with changing  diapers, helping with feedings, and shares in getting up each night when the baby wakes up will bond quicker than one that actively does not participate or does not want to participate.

For many men parenting does not come easily, for others it does. Bonding by definition requires an attachment or at least a stake in the game.   Most people will admit that any child benefits from an active and involved parent.  Bonding is just that.  Being involved.  Being present.

For many men like Alex they have dreamed of being a parent with their spouse and partner.  They have wanted it and planned and took actions to become a parent.  Sometimes biology does not always work the ways we expected it to.

This post is not an advertisement or endorsement for donor conception.  That is another issue.  This post is about how we bond as humans.  

I had a dad that was a hugger and a kisser.  As kids we saw a man that showed his emotions.  Other dads were not so open.  I had one uncle that scared me as a kid.  He was very gruff but he still loved his kids and they loved him.  Some would say their blood connection bonded them.  I won’t argue that a blood connection is a bond.  But at the same time I have known plenty of bio dads that were not involved / active / participatory parents.

In the end it comes down to the fact that any parent that desires a bond must take actions that create those bonds.  And before actions come desires.  So the advice we give potential dads is simply be involved.  Bonding will usually naturally follow.

Creation and Family

The issues that concern both parents and donor conceived individuals all revolve around creation and family.  

For parents it is the drive to start and raise a family.  For the donor conceived it may be how could and why did their parents use a sperm or egg donor and who is this family that is beyond their reach.  And why would this missing genetic parent give them up.  Why would they donate their gametes.

On social media platforms parents start off posting regarding hope and wishes.  Donor conceived individuals publish either posts asking why or perhaps about siblings they have found.  These are oversimplifications and are not stated to make light of anyone's story.

The communities we have access to in the USA are primarily virtual, internet based communities.  Communication and contact is primarily on line and behind a wall that allows positive and negative reactions that elicit equally strong reactions.

I have always been jealous of the in person dynamic of the UK Donor Conception Network.  I would love to sit and have everyone in rooms together discussing issues and feelings.

I had lunch earlier this year, pre pandemic, with two other DI dads like myself.  It was a great experience to get together and just say hello.  Both guys are named Vincent and one I had already met a few times over the years as he is also here in NYC.  The second Vincent was down from Canada.  I have blogged about this meeting before.  At least I think I did.

I enjoy speaking with individuals, learning, discussing these topics as I want to help more than I have.  In truth we are all one family.  The pandemic has taught us that.  I just want everyone to help each other.  Creation and family.  A lot to think about.

Pardon me for today's rambling.

New IG Acct: Life_DI_Dad

So after years of posting donor conception content on either my personal Instagram account or on my personal Twitter account I started a separate Instagram companion account to go along with this blog.   The feed can be found at www.instagram.com/life_di_dad

Please follow me on your Instagram account as I hope to revisit some past thoughts and bring some new thoughts to the table.

Where I Am At Today

Almost 15 years ago I started [this] blog talking about my Life as Dad to #DonorInsemination Kids, and along the way, pretty early on, after speaking at a conference in Toronto, I learned my focus should not be on me as the parent but on my kids and supporting them. 

At the time in 2005 there were far fewer venues for anyone to discuss these topics.  The blogs that existed were generally #infertility focused and written by women looking to become moms. #Donorconception related blogs written by men were almost non existent. A few of us were out there but we were the exception.

What I learned about my role as a parent was to prepare my kids to help them discover know who they are and give them the tools to hopefully process their story. To allow them to figure it all out hopefully with minimal pain and anguish if any. Along the way we discovered a mere three #donorsiblings they have gotten to know. I found along the way the best way to learn is to reach out to the donor conceived individuals I have met to ask what they think, the issues and concerns they have in addition to speaking to other parents like me.

I enjoy meeting and speaking with parents as we all have so much to learn. Along the way I started with others a DI Dads group where I get to speak to other dads and potential dads. I try not to preach but to listen and discuss and counsel best I can.

But today the forefront of discussion starts with the #donorconceived community of individuals out there and taking my cue as a parent often from them. Listening, reading, hearing their words, their stories, whether it’s joy of meeting another sibling, or finding their donor, or perhaps the pain of learning a long kept secret, where they felt alone and lost, of their longings and need for info.

I still occasionally post to my blog as I continue to be dad and I smile seeing each new individual find the bravery inside to find this or any medium to reach out to others, parents or DCP, to take down any veil that still exists over this topic.

[note: this text was posted earlier today to my personal Instagram account upon seeing a request from the account PursuingFatherhood who was looking for additional accounts related to DC that others could follow.]