My Full Review of "Donor Unknown" - A Must See

This morning I posted my initial reactions to the new indie film “Donor Unknown” that premiered this week at the Tribeca Film Festival. Now I am posting my second set of reactions based on notes I took while watching the film. Overall I am still very impressed by the movie. I have questions though, comments and observations. Spoiler alert as I am discussing specifics of the movie.

Lies re Not Telling

Sibling Daniele Pagano stated in the film that her parents did not tell her until she was 13 that she was donor conceived and she was angry at being lied at. I wished the film had explored those emotions further. Also of the six siblings we met, was Daniele the only sibling whose parents were a heterosexual couple? I think of the main five siblings she was but I was not sure. No direct effect on the movie’s premise of the siblings finding each other and finding and meeting their donor Jeffrey Harrison but still a fact I was interested in.

Dating Half Siblings

I was happy that the movie addressed Rachel’s concerns of dating a half sibling or blood relative. It is a valid concern of both the donor conceived individual and of their parents. Especially when as Wendy Kramer explained in the film that the “limits” promised by the sperm banks is not enforced and as she demonstrated by example that unrelated Donor 1476 had 58 offspring. Again not directly affecting the movie’s premise but was glad they addressed and brought out this issue.

Donation Rooms

When we started the process of choosing donors the first donor we used was from California Cryobank. We looked at both California and Fairfax as recommended by the clinic we were then working with. Cappy Rothman’s stroll from as he stated “Masterbation Room” to room was very creepy. Did he really say that or a variation of that? I don’t think the donor conceived or prospective parents really needed to see the pornographic images. I am glad the film makers showed it as he stated it but in reality these were images that these parties just really don’t want in our memories.

Donor Remuneration

Certainly the issue of donors being paid for their sperm was noted when Jeffrey Harrison, Donor 150, admitted that for years his payments helped him pay the rent. Although in his case I was happier to know the money paid his rent as opposed to your standard college student who uses the money to supplement their beer money. Jeffrey Harrison certainly appeared to have altruistic intentions mixed with his realization that this was an easier pay day than many jobs out there.

Donor Fantasies and Realities

Jeffrey Harrison as a donor and as a human being is certainly one of those people as he described that lives on the fringe of society. A self described fringe monkey. He seems like a man who honestly believes in truth (as he sees it) and living his life as a free spirit. The reactions to him by the siblings was compassionate and interested. Certainly it was clear that at least one sibling had no desire to meet him and felt that the contact initiated was enough to answer her questions. The honesty of the siblings as to whom they expected their donor would be was typical as I expect of all donor conceived fantasies of who and what their donor might be. In truth reality might now live up to expectations. This movie made that clear. But as a man this man helped bring these individuals together and his willingness to step forward is a gift.

Welcome to the Family

At this point my children refer to their half siblings as their brother and sister just as many of the movie’s siblings have decided to do. The amateur genealogist in me loved the chart that JoEllen put together showing the inter-family relationships that the Donor 150 siblings have to each other. It’s amazing to watch how quickly these young people seem to bond. Granted the movie condenses its presentation of the time these siblings found each other and the development of these relationships. The scene of four of the 14 known siblings in either Ryan or Roxanne’s California home was fun to watch.

I also enjoyed the scene where Fletcher’s mom states she is not yet into the new reality of the expanding family her son is now part of and that she is being drawn into. Her statement that Jeffrey must earn his place in the family is something I believe every parent (bio or social) immediately connects to but in reality the acceptance of Jeffrey, or any donor found, is up to the donor conceived individual’s and the parents will be dragged into accepting it or at least dealing with it.

The movie “The Kid’s Are All Right” demonstrated how the kid’s brought their donor into their home’s front door. The crazy affair entered into by Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo played more into the fantasy / horror that some parties have of what could happen if a donor is contacted and found. That story line was interesting as it played out like many movie play out infidelity fears and its effect on families. It just played with a same sex marriage being betrayed by one of its spouses. It was at that point that it was no longer a donor conception movie to me and destroyed any short term and possibly long term contact those teenagers might have had with their donor.

The images of Jeffrey riding bikes with JoEllen, Fletcher, and I believe Roxanne were great fun. I admit I did wonder whether this was suggested by one of the siblings or Jeffrey or perhaps the film makers.

In this movie, it is clear that a few of the siblings will maintain continued contact with Jeffrey and it is unclear if the others will or will not. It was also interesting and a bit sad at the end, after the siblings departed, when Jeffrey commented that it is “back to the birds” and that he still had his puppies.

In Summary

Overall I liked the movie and as I stated in my first post I think the movie did what it set out to do. It introduced us to how the siblings found each other (thanks to Wendy and Ryan once again for the DSR) and their first meeting with their donor. The courage of Jeffrey to step forward in reaction to the initial NY Times story must be applauded. Certainly not every donor would. His actions are the exception. His statement that it is the right of the [donor conceived] to meet or not should be the norm. The movie Donor Unknown should not be missed as it is a great step forward in addressing the underlying issues and putting real faces to the stories. Does it FULLY address and delve deeply into the hard core issues of anonymous donors, donor remuneration, cryobank screening of donors? No, but it brings the issues to the surface. It is not some cutesy romantic comedy / melodrama using donor conception as a prop to sell movie tickets claiming it is groundbreaking movie making. This movie stars the real kids and they were all right.

Initial Reactions to "Donor Unknown"

Just finished watching the film "Donor Unknown". The following post is the comment I left on the Tribeca Film Festival website below the view screen:

I have a lot of strong reactions to the film. I remember reading each of the NY Times articles and wondering about JoEllen and Danielle and how they were handling all the issues surrounding their discoveries and the meaning of it all.

Each of the 6 young people in the film seem very well adjusted. We did not meet all 14 known siblings so we don't know their reactions or how they have dealt with the knowledge of their conception story or the concept that they have 14 siblings and probably many many more.

Overall this is the first American film letting us know and feel a bit how American teenagers born within the last 20 years are reacting to the issues. Certainly the film cannot cover every issue but it is certainly the most complete to date and was very very well done. It respected the thoughts and feelings of all parties that participated. I want to say thank you to the film makers and each of the siblings for putting their story into the public realm. I say thank you my children and for me.

2011 Tribeca Film Festival Debuts “Donor Unknown”

In late 2005, the NY Times ran a series of articles by Amy Harmon dealing with donor conception one of which was titled “Hello, I’m Your Sister. Our Father is Donor 150”. My reactions to that article can be found here. In early 2007, Donor 150, Jeffrey Harrison, broke his silence and came forward. Well now the story of that donor and his donor conceived offspring has been made into an indie film titled “Donor Unknown” and premiering here in NYC at the Tribeca Film Festival. An article online by IndieWIRE discusses the film and talks with its director.

I have only watched the two minute trailer which can be found on the film’s official website and would love to see the 78 minute film in person at the TFF but don’t think I will be able to swing that but it appears the film can be screened on line based on the schedule. There is an on-line screening this Monday, April 25^th at 6:00am EST and later in the week on Friday, April 29^th also at 6:00am EST.

The film looks quite interesting and the children are all American teenagers so I expect we will see some genuine reactions regarding their thoughts about half siblings, their donor, and their origins. As the movie is about them and the donor I expect we will very little of their moms and if any of them have social fathers like myself. I would be curious for those views. I will also be curious to down the road to buy a DVD copy so when my kids are bit older they can watch. At 9 and 6 I am guessing they would not yet want to watch. I asked my son to watch the trailer online but he was more interested in what was on the TV instead.

Could My Children Erase Me Legally ?

I read today in the NY Times of an interesting case before the NYS Courts where a woman, Nina Viola Montepagani, is looking to remove the name of her father, Giuseppe Viola, from her birth certificate or at least the name of the man who was married to her mother when she was born (and therefore legally considered her natural father). Sound like a possible donor insemination case? You might think so but it’s not. But could it have implication for families and individuals conceived via donor insemination?

The case in question in summary involves a woman’s desire to amend her birth certificate to name a man, a Dr. Sebastiano Reali, whom in all likelihood is her biological father and whom left a fortune to an Italian university as he had no existing descendants. This is not to say there is not “evidence” to support her claim or to say the woman is pursuing this goal to only gain access to possibly inheriting the aforementioned fortune. It appears she loved dearly the man that raised her as his own and he loved her. But she wants to correct a fact that she always felt was wrong.

The Court if I am reading the decision correctly said there was not enough evidence to support her claim to move her position forward thus denying her request to remove her father’s name. The implications of the case are interesting. It would seem if there would be enough evidence perhaps a “child” could in the future petition the Courts to remove the name of the man listed as their father on their birth certificates. Thus erasing the legal link to their DI Dad. I am sure there is more to the decision that that but in summary at a high level that is the question.

- - -

Matter of Montepagani v New York City Dept. of Health Div. of Vital Records 2011 NY Slip Op 50002(U) [30 Misc 3d 1206(A)] Decided on January 3, 2011 Supreme Court, New York County Stallman, J. Published by New York State Law Reporting Bureau pursuant to Judiciary Law § 431.

Perspective: "Why I have to legally adopt my own son"

Because I used to write this blog daily I am subscribed to several news alerts when articles are published regarding donor conception. Today I received a link to the above headline published by Salon yesterday on-line. I guess any topic depends on your perspective. When I first read the headline I figured it was voiced by a DI Dad like me. I was wrong.

The article is actually written by a new DI Mommy but one who is one half of lesbian couple where the non-bio parent has to adopt the child to be seen as its parent. The same thing happens to men in many states but in this case the article is written from the female perspective. Luckily for me being a NYS resident at the time of my children's birth and being legally married to their mom at that time I had no such requirement. I was considered their natural father despite the biological aspects that I am not.

Realistically the NYS law and the laws of states like it are such that there is no documentation anywhere filed with the state that states I am anything other than a natural parent. I recall something that the papers we signed with the clinic are required to be kept to complete the legalities but dont recall why at this very moment as no one ever said we would need them to prove parentage on my part. My only requirement that I know is as I stated above.

Again perspective is everything when reading headlines on this topic.

Newsweek Story re Site AnonymousUs.org

Newsweek article title: "Donor-Conceived and Out of the Closet"

There is an article in this week's Newsweek which focuses on the website AnonymousUs.org which is an "online story collective for donor-conceived people, their families, donors, and medical professionals."

It is an interesting site and well worth reading. There are a couple of interesting stories posted by dads like myself. I must admit I am wondering if I know one of the two dads who contributed stories. Neither is me.

What I like about the site is there are plenty of opinions and positions taken but the site is not hitting you over the head, pushing one specific opinion or position regarding donor conception. It's there but again not being pushed in your face.

I like it as it is another venue for individuals to lean and share.

Just checking in - Feb 2011

Had a play date with friends who have two children conceived via DI this past weekend. They have not registered their kids on the Donor Sibling Registry and we talked about it a bit. We also talked about what the kids know, differences in interest between first and second born children. No Earth shattering realizations. Just normal chit chat.

On the Yahoo discussion group we have had a few threads going about when it is time to stop trying to use DI. A comment was posted this evening regarding continuing relationships with our non-bio children subsequent to divorce. I had been contacted by a producer looking for background info regarding a news show which will focus on DI and they wanted to make sure they had background info from DI Dads' point of views. There was some discussion of that on the group site.

A month or so back there was an active thread on the Yahoo discussion group where the consensus was to not create an info only Facebook page pointing folks to the Yahoo group for fear of opening the group up to crazies, to ending our anonymity, and a few other reasons. Amusing this was this week. I noted that one Yahoo group member, who I am not even sure saw that thread, linked on Facebook the blog post that immediately precedes this one about Paper Dads and divorce.

We have a friends child's Bat Mitzvah in two months in Philly where we may get to have lunch with T, my children's half sibling, who lives in Maryland. She and her mom may drive North and meet us which would be great as the kids have not seen each other since December 2009. My kids just saw Z, their other half sibling from Colorado, this past December 2010.

"Paper" Dad Asked to GIve Up Parental Rights

A member of the DI Dads Yahoo Group is going through a divorce and as part of that proceeding his soon to be ex-wife is asking him to give up his parental rights to their child saying he is only a "paper" dad anyway. I don't pretend to know all of the facts and any divorce is a private matter as to what caused that marriage to end.

In this case this woman is asking her husband to give up being a father arguing he never really was the father anyway because he did not share blood with their child despite the facts, I am assuming, that he was there when the child was born and has been there for every act that has been part of their raising that child. I won't state the child's age as that is not important for this post. But the child knows their father, this DI Dad, and that child's mother is looking to sever that tie legally.

There are certainly issues of identity etc that may be issues for any child conceived via DI but this mother if she were to successfully force the father to give up his rights will further compound these issues by ripping the only father this child has known away from this child.

As for the father my understanding and support is there for him to fight his ex 100% to maintain his legal connection to this child. My greatest fear for him would be if she severs his ties she could then move anywhere she would want and it is possible, as the child is still young, that the child would not remember the only father she has ever known and the father will lose his child and the joy of being a father.

Things My Brother said....And who is this brother you ask?

Over the last few weeks my kids have referred to their male half sibling as their brother when talking with friends or adults. Now granted they just had a visit with Z when he was here in early December and over time and distance between visits the references seem to dwindle. But as they get older it takes longer as their half sibling stays in their current memory.

It is interesting and amusing to watch how they describe who this brother is depending on the reaction they get from their audience. I have tended to stay quiet when this has occurred in my presence in order to see what they say and how the other party reacts.

Very often when it is classmates or kids at school the other kids asks who the brother is and the reply is simply my brother Z who lives in Colorado. Most kids just accept this and move on. It is usually the adults who are left more confused knowing that neither I nor the kids mom were married previously. Or perhaps they are wondering if either of us had a prior relationship where a child resulted.

For my kids referring to their half siblings as their brother or sister is now as normal to them as anything. I no longer try to correct them or direct them to another term. Whether their relationships to each other become deep, rich relationships in the long term is another matter. But for them they know and feel that they are siblings. To them at this age full or half means nothing. They just know.

I believe this is healthy for them. Knowing their are other kids out there who are part of who they are. It may be confusing to them when they enter those confusing adolescent years. But it just may give them additional anchors to work through the period of questions.

Added thoughts:

My kids have not seen T their "first" half sibling in a year so they have never said sister to her directly and I know T's mom does not use that terminology. In truth the kids all act more like distant cousins despite the terms 3 of the 4 use. Hopefully this is never a problem as the kids grow older in dealing with each other but I suspect as they get older and better understand it it will not be. At least I hope so.

One Last Post for 2010

During 2009 my children learned they had one more half sibling. We wondered if 2010 would bring any more half siblings into our lives. None showed up. Is that good or bad I cannot say. My kids are lucky to have found two half sibs as many DI / DE kids never find any and always wonder.

Do the children or the parent(s) of DI kids look for half sibs as a replacement for the anonymous donors that are generally lost to their kids? I cannot say. Do we look for these half sibs due to guilt on our parts a parents? Again I cannot say. I wonder though. I certainly am not as keyed into these thoughts as I once was.

My kids are my kids. Now I am more keyed into issues that affect their day to day lives and not so much the larger DI picture. Perhaps that is good. If this issue were in their lives every day how would that affect their thoughts about DI? Would they be so keyed up that it would affect them negatively or positively?

I wish we had a support group like the Donor Conception Network here. But in truth there are local groups that do offer seminars and get togethers with the kids (The Third party Parenting Network and the NYC Gathering) that I should attend with the kids so they have exposure to the issues without deluging them. Perhaps in 2011, once things settle down again I will step back and look for answers. But right now I am still just trying to be a good dad.

Happy Holidays 2010, Welcome 2011

A few random thoughts....

Life these past 18 months has been anything but predictable or where I expected to be but nonetheless it is where I am and from where I must continue. My children are well and within the last 12 months plus gotten the chance to see each of their half siblings.

I have begun writing a bit again and hope to do so with more regularity. I expect to shut down my other blog (non DI related) as I no longer have the desire to keep it going.

I am so very tired but expect part of that is adjusting to the holidays. DI is not in any way a focus to my life these days but I still wonder what it will mean to my kids and for that reason will never walk away from the issue or this blog. When I have time again I hope to again increase my involvement with the issue.

In the past two weeks I opened the question on the DI Dads Yahoo Group of creating a Facebook page which would act as a link to the Yahoo Group encouraging those men looking for support to say hello and join. Due to continuing fears and issues surrounding facebook privacy and security the Yahoo group members asked me to not create such a page for fear of parties making their way into the group looking to cause trouble or exploit the information they would learn. It is a shame as I really would like to promote the group and find more men who could use the support.

One Yahoo group member came up with the simple idea of creating business cards advertising the group which would be dropped off at local fertility clinics. It is an idea I have had for years but never acted upon. It is a good idea and I thank the member for suggesting it. I woujdl expand the idea to also drop off the cards with local in/fertilty practitioners and/or therapists who could give the cards to men they meet in their practices who could benefit from the support.

I am looking forward to 2011. I wish you all a happy holiday season and happy New Year !

Thinking of Max - Dynamo Dad

For some reason this evening I began thinking of Max and Vee. As a result I posted on my facebook page a drawing Max used as his profile picture on the above blog. Below that profile picture I stated the following:

"I wanted to say here now that I remember you Max and am proud that I knew you. Your wife and son were lucky to have you."

The thread that followed on facebook included the additional statements I posted:

"I met Max online after my own kids were borne but empathized with his and his wife's journey through infertility. They both blogged about the journey. Max's blog and reactions to it eventually led him to stop posting and when he got sick it was certainly not his focus. His wife Vee is a special lady as she went from the pains of infertility to watching her husband become sick and see that sickness destroy his body but rarely his spirit. They live across the planet from me but I wish I could have visited him before he left this place. I did not always agree with every position he took, nor he of me, but he was someone I will always remember and respect."

"I met Max at a time when I was much more active in the online blogging world discussing... a topic with real world consequences. He was one third of three blogs written by myself and one other friend dealing with donor conception all from a married heterosexuals men's perspective when few men would even think of even acknowledging a connection to the issue. I admired Max's spirit and belief that public recognition was not only needed but proactive conversation was required. Something I truly believed in and encouraged. Max was one of the men who followed me into that discussion."

Again I was thinking of Max today and wanted to let others know it.

Half Sibling Z in NYC

My kids are being picked up from school by their mom along with their half sibling Z and his mom. They are with us, between the two apartments, for the next 5 days. Should be an amusing week.

My kids are very excited to see Z and I am guessing the same for him. How my kids introduce Z at school to any friends will be interesting. They already use the term brother half the time when referring to Z.

More later when I meet up with everyone this evening after work.

Have Not Had Much To Say DC Related Lately...

These last few months I have not had much to say regarding donor conception / donor insemination issues. Not so much that there are no issues relevant to discuss but my heart has not been in it as the kids are fine and it is not affecting our daily lives at this point. And I have had other issues on my mind.

There was a conference / seminar yesterday held here in NYC which I was bad as I even did not advertise it here on this blog. That I regret and I should have done that at a minimum. I also have been an absentee Yahoo group owner as it relates to the DI Dads Yahoo group. I thank each of the members of that group who have been acting as moderators and keeping it going. I regret my involvement there dropped off as well.

Life lately has been about other issues other than DC/DI. My children's half sibling Z was supposed to visit last month but it was cancelled and we are expecting his mom and he to visit this coming December which my kids are looking forward to.

I have no idea who checks into this blog anymore from my many online friends who regularly did so but to those of you that stop by I hope you and your loved ones are well. Feel free to say hello privately or here if you wish as all of you have been great friends over the years.

I Finally Saw "The Kids Are All Right"

Well I finally got to see the movie "The Kids are All Right".

Spoiler Alert.

I found all the scenes of the two teenagers interactions with their donor and the scenes of how they made contact spot on with what I expected to see and the scenes were played by the three actors quite well and with respect for the interactions they were portraying.

As I am not a lesbian mom I cannot say if the parent's reactions were what I expected or what would occur. What I can say is that the characters portrayed by Benning and Moore could very easily been a heterosexual couple and the movie played out almost exactly the same. I can see how introducing a new individual into a long term marriage with similiar issues of "appreciation" could go the exact same way.

One fear of many DI Dads I have interacted with on the DI Dads Yahoo group is the fantasy / concern that a spouse may end up wanting to sleep with the donor if they ever met. The reality is this probably rarely if ever happens as 99% of hetero couples will never meet the donors they chose.

Are lesbian couples more likely to invite a donor to their home so all parties can meet? Perhaps as they might find a male donor less threatening than a hetero couple certainly would. But as I saw in this movie as the married Moms were at a point where one mom was vulnerable she allowed / initiated "something more" with their donor. At this point the movie became more about infidelity and reconciliation than donor conception.

Overall I felt the movie addressed each issue (donor conception / infidelity) as it would be played out in real life and it should be commended for that. I just hoped the two issues would never had to be mixed as I felt bad that these teenagers now forever will link the infidelity to their donor and the relationship will probably never progress beyond that point.

The Switch: A Donor Conception Movie ?

Is the new Jennifer Aniston movie, "The Switch", truly a donor conception movie?

Sure the main character is impregnated using a turkey baster with sperm from a cup so technically yes it is. And yes the intent was to use a known donor where the mother to be was not considering having the donor involved in the life of her child. But something about this just seems to me to be another dumb movie where the mother probably ends up with the donor and they all live happily after without truly addressing the issues that affect individuals, couples and the children created.

The Kids are Alright from all reports addresses the actual issues. This romantic comedy seems to be one that was shot purely for comedic value and just another twist for the old story line where two friends realize they should be together and the path taken to get there.

My Daddy's Name is Donor: A Promised Posting of a Response

Since Family Scholar's published their study entitled "My Daddy's Name is Donor" there have been a number of articles written about it as well as commentary debating its merits by both sides of the aisle. Most of the main stream press have written stories that this is the first major study of its kind. To my understanding it is not.

After I commented on the BioNews article / response written by Eric Blythe and Wendy Kramer I received a few comments from Elizabeth Marquardt and Karen Clark, co authors of the original study. I promised that when Ms. Marquardt had posted her response to the BioNews piece I would link to it at a minimum.

The Family scholars response can be found here. I want to read it again but the anology that one side sees the world as a glass half full while the other sees the glass as half empty is interesting. I think characterizing the sides this simply is an over-generalization.

Overall I still believe couples should have the right to make their own decisions regarding the creation of their families. I do think the rights of the children created should be respected and that prospective parents should be made aware of all the issues surrounding donor conception. Greater regulation is needed but such regulation should not be created / promulgated by the industry itself.

As a Dad I try not to push my kids at their young ages into discussing their thoughts about being donor conceived but I must admit I am very very curious to know more what they think.

Chalk Sisters

This morning I took my kids out to a local park wher they started a number of chalk drawings on a hand / paddle ball court. My daughter at one point while drawing indicated that two of the "girl" drawings were of her and her "Sister [T]". I had not prompted this at all.

More and more I have noticed they refer to T and Z as their sister and brother. I admit I have not done anything to stop or modify their terminology as I wanted their thinking to be organically derived. I do think their watching yesterday's Good Morning America segment where they saw Ryan Kramer and two of his half siblings refer to each other as brother / sister only confirms their belief that their use of brother and sister is OK.

Half Sibling Z to Visit Fall 2010

It's official my kids will get to see their Half Sibling Z when he and his mom visit this coming Fall.

Maybe Half Sibling T will make a trip to NYC again as well?

Ryan Kramer, DSR and his Half Sibs Profiled on Good Morning America

Just watched a spot about Ryan Kramer (co-founder of the Donor Sibling Registry) about his path to locating half siblings on the US American morning show Good Morning America. Interest in donor conception is obviously due to the success generated due to the new movie "The Kids are Alright".

I taped my kids watching segment. The 8 year old was mildly interested where my 6 year old still does not really understand beyond taht she has two half siblings. I don't think I will be posting the tape of them but wanted to tape their reactions as they watched and I tried to explain it a bit more.

Truthfully they would have rather been watching Phineas and Ferb. Amusing and expected.

General Update

This past weekend was a busy one for my kids and I. We saw a baseball game, traveled to a friend's house out of state and also visited with family a short commute away from our apartment. Both of the kids are getting bigger but are still very much children.

While at the game I was seated next to a woman from our old temple who commented how much the kids resemble their mom. I responded that they do. At first I thought she had commented how J looks like me but I held back and heard her again and realized it was not me but their mom.

When we visited family my mom commented how my son perspires stating he certainly is a "Smith". A reference to a line of her family. I responded he is not. I did not even think I just responded. Mom was not happy with my comment. J did not catch any of this but I did say you've got roots kids where the warm weather is not something that agrees with us.

I have not written much as day to day there is not too much to say about my life specfically. The kids are growing. They make references to their half siblings to others that may or may not know about their story and do so naturally. Most of the time no questions arise and the kids lead a normal life with no issues. I don't wonder or worry as often about how they will process this all. We have other issues to deal with in life such as camp, Summer reading lists, etc.

I sometimes miss writing everyday about this topic and other times I absolutely do not. I sometimes get e-mails from folks looking for advice and I try to get back to them but lately it has been tough to do so. I apologize when this has happened. Right now my focus is them and me.

BioNews Comment: “Read With Caution” Response to “My Daddy’s Name is Donor” Study

I learnd via Facebook today that a response to the Institute for American Values study “My Daddy’s Name is Donor” was published online at BioNews.org and within BioNews 567. The response published under their “Comment” section was written by Professor Eric Blyth and Wendy Kramer (co-founder of the DSR), two individuals whose work in this area I highly respect.

The review starts out by declaring their “alignment with the authors' desire to acknowledge donor-conceived people's right to access their ancestral, genetic and biological background” but then launches into “serious misgivings” they saw with the report. It is a short read and well worth it for anyone serious enough to want to acknowledge alternative viewpoints and/or criticism, something the IAV rarely seems to acknowledge themselves from my own experiences with their website.

I have stated before that one of the author’s of the IAV piece I consider a friend, Ms. Karen Clark, as I have long admired her blog and her discussions of these topics. But overall I find the “misgivings” posed in the BioNews comment to be serious enough to question the IAV study and to echo the sentiments to "read it with caution”.

Movies: "The Kid's Are All Right"

A majority of the reviews I have read or seen so far are positive for the movie "The Kid's Are All Right". Link to NYT Review. Granted all of these reviewers probably have no connection to donor conception outside flicks like this. They each go on how this is a accurate representation of how a family interacts between parents and teenagers etc.

But can they really say this is accurate for a family with two moms from an insider's perspective ? I don't know as I am just a heterosexual DI Dad and I know very few two mommy familes much less with teenage kids. I must remember to ask the mom's of one of my son's classmates for their reaction or if they even plan on seeing the film.

I do want to see this in the theatre but to be honest I want to see Grown Ups with Adam Sandler first.

Father's Day - Then & Now

It is hard for me to believe that is now three years since I wrote the below words and submitted it as an op-ed piece for the NY Times which they never ran. They were my thoughts then and generally still apply today. My life and the lives of my children have changed due to issues unrelated to donor conception and I now have concerns how they will process everything together. My life as a blogger has changed and dropped off as other issues and day to day concerns consume my life now. But my concerns for my children are still paramount and I love them more than anything.

As an aside last night I spoke by phone with Z's mom for a time about possibly scheduling trips for the kids to see their half siblings. Maybe they will get the chance this Summer but if not then it looks like Z may come East to NYC in October. My kids would love to see Z and also T. Perhaps we can convince T's mom to bring her up in October for a long weekend so all four kids can have some time together.

For those of that you that were not dealing with these issues back in 2007 I present this post again:

With Father's Day on the horizon my thoughts stray to the man whose gift allowed my children to come into being. This man is not the doctor or mid wife that delivered them. This man is their sperm donor. My children were conceived via Donor Insemination.

Without this man's gift, these children would never have come into being and into my and my wife's life. I am occasionally asked if I resent that this man could do what I could not. I can comfortably say I do not. On the contrary I want to thank him.

When I was diagnosed with non-obstructive azoospermia 12 years ago I was told that I should expect to never have children of my own. The fact that my children are not biologically linked to me has never lessened my love for them nor my belief that they are indeed my children. At the same time I am cognizant that there is another man whose role cannot be nor should be minimized.

To me he is and is not simply their donor. For now to my children he is in effect non-existent as they don't fully understand the concept of donor insemination. They have been told of their conception story and that a donor was used but this is still too much for them to truly comprehend as they are both less than six years old. Someday soon this will change and I wonder how that will play out. For now the knowledge of his existence rests with my wife and me and as I see it I have a responsibility to not let the truth of him fade away.

The lives of my children are as much connected to him as they are to me. I do not pretend to argue nurture is greater than nature but rather together play a role in these children's lives. I have his bios, medical, social, and educational. I have a toddler picture of him and a recording of his voice. All of this info is being saved for them as it is part of who they are.

Everyday I see articles addressing infertility and the use of donor conception from the side of the couples going through infertility, women choosing single motherhood, or lesbian or gay couples looking to start families. There are court cases around the country redefining what is family and who has the right to be legally defined as a parent or not. Under New York State law I am considered the legal father to my children. But despite that fact I know that someday my children will wonder about the man that is one half of their genetic make up.

Most heterosexual families of donor conceived children choose to never tell their children of the conception story fearing the child will turn against the social parent or for fear or shame of the perceived stigmas of using another person’s sperm or eggs to create their children. In my opinion these parents do so for their own reasons and not for the benefit of the children who have a right to the truth. I recently contributed an essay to a book series titled “Voices of Donor Conception” and have been increasingly involved in the discussions of these topics on the Internet.

The central issues surrounding donor conception, including donor anonymity, regulation and reform, have been or are being addressed in several countries around the world including Great Britain, Australia, New Zealand and Canada among others. The United States has not yet entered that discussion and currently there are no federal laws directly regulating the sale of gametes [i] nor are there any regulations imposed on the administration of the various cryobanks and clinics that solicit gamete donations and sell these gametes to the public. I am in favor of reforming the practices of this industry but I am not here today for that purpose.

I no longer fear the donor’s shadow but rather acknowledge his presence and if my children ask that his contribution be honored this or on a future Father’s Day I must honor their wishes if I am half the father I believe myself to be to them. So on their behalf I wish him a Happy Father’s Day and I say to him thank you for allowing me to do the same.

Family Scholars Report: "My Daddy's Name is Donor"

The folks over at Family Scholars and the Institute for American Values have released their long awaited reported regarding Donor Conception titled "My Daddy's Name is Donor".

I have not read though it completely yet and only have read the Executive Summary. Truthfully I can't argue against too much of what is written as it based on polls of a large sample of donor conceived adults, adoptees, and others. I can't say it is representative of every donor conceived adult as I have met a few that would argue otherwise. I admit freely that I have felt in the past that the positions espoused by Family Scholars have been put there and argued somewhat heavy handedly.

But what reports like these do is they provide information to intended parents which is useful before they decide if donor conception is right for their familes and also how they parent a child who is donor conceived. There are plenty of issues to consider and reports like this highlight many of them quite effectively. Sometime with a hammer, which some would argue is not helpful, but the message is made known.

More later.

In Memory of....

An anonymous comment was left on the DI Dads Speak Out blog this morning simply stating "In Loving Memory of Moondance Max". I just received confirmation that this is true. It has been expected as Max has been sick for some time.

Max was a man who found out that he could not have children naturally and turned to donor insemination with his wonderful wife Vee. They later found out Max has cancer and I am not remembering the timing which came first but also that Vee was pregnant. They now have a beautiful son. But now that son and Vee have lost Max based on the comment.

Vee had chronicled their struggle to conceive through her blog "The Sweet Life" and later their life together addressing Max's illness and the birth of their son. The blog is now privately published. Together they published many great videos to the International Infertility Film Festival dealing with their infertility struggles which will continue to offer hope to others dealing with infertility.

Some of us get caught up in our own lives and lose touch with friends we make over the Internet. I am guilty of that here. Max was a special person and I regret letting his friendship slip away. He wrote a couple of blogs while here one of which as his persona Dynamo Dad, in the Diaries of a Hopeful Dad to Be. He sparred with some of those leaving comments, commiserated with others, and also offered advice and his take on the whole donor conception thing.

There is more which I will try to add later but I need to digest this and also begin my day. A day less bright due to his loss but also hopeful knowing that his son through Vee will always know his Dad.

Movie Review: The Kids Are All Right

I stumbled upon a trailer for "The Kids Are All Right" on IMDB and the movie in one line is about "Two children conceived by artificial insemination [to lesbian moms] bring their birth father into their family life." The movie stars Julianne Moore and Annette Bening as the moms, Mark Ruffalo as their sperm donor.

After watching the trailer I can say it looks cute and challenges how people look at the definition of familes etc. My main concern with any of these movies is how donor conceived children, such as my own at young ages, would look at the images being portrayed. Granted my kids are way too young to see this flick much less get it.

I must admit my kids are still young so the old fear still exists, on some level, about being replaced by their donor father. I thought that fear was long put to rest but now as a separated dad I can say it is still there and maybe that fear has more to do with a fear that their mom will remarry someday and is not really a donor fear thing.

But films like this may at the same time raise expectations for some donor conceived kids that they can easily find their donor and make them part of their lives when I think many donors still want to remain anonymous. I don't know. Maybe I am just tired.

My kids may someday want to find their donor and I still hold to the belief that if asked I will either help them or not dissaude them from their wish to search.

Do you think movies like this are (a) merely capitalizing on the topic of donor conception, (b) promote healthy discussion of the topic, or (c) don't even register for most people?

2010 Census: Biological Son or Daughter - Best Fit

It's April 1st, the official enumeration date for the 2010 Federal Census. Like most people I received the envelope, tossed it onto my desk and have been meaning to get to it. The trick for a parent of a donor conceived child is how to accurately fill it out.

"Biological son or daughter" is not wholly accurate in relation to me. But as I am living in New York State and I was married to my children's mother when they were born under NYS law I am seen as their "natural" parent so I guess it is the best fitting answer I can provide.

On the other hand I have written that I have looked at donor conception as sort of a half-adoption.

From a psychological stand point I am going with biological as viewed through NYS law. In the end this is a people count not a tool to measure households with donor conceived kids so I am not stressing my answer. But I admit I thought about the answer enough that I felt I wanted post about it here. And we know I have not exactly been as active on this blog for sometime now.

Happy Passover and Happy Easter everyone. If you have not completed your Census forms please so as they make a difference in the disbursement of federal funds and politicial representatives your State is a alloted.

Divorce, Separation, Donor Conception, and Me

Over the years I have written this blog I have read plenty of articles dealing with divorce, separation and donor conception. Most of the cases that make the headlines have dealt with lesbian and gay couples and few regarding straight families and the effects of such decisions. I never expected it to be a personal issue. It now is.

My wife and I have separated and are still dealing with the legal side of things. The day to day stuff we are already addressing as I now live in a separate apartment and the kids are already going back and forth depending on the days who has whom. It is still early so it is unclear as to how they are adjusting. To be honest I am still unsure how I am adjusting to not being with the kids every night.

For the most part we will move forward as any family does in this situation. Our one donor conception related issue we have open is the disposition of the remaining vials we still own and are in storage at the cryobank we purchased them from. Other than that we are in agreement as to disclosure as the kids already know and we will address their issues as a family as they get older and ask more questions.

Both moms of their two known half siblings are aware of the situation and have been great about it. To be honest we told each of them when they were all in NYC this past December. In that department I should state that my kids with their mom are headed to Colorado next week for Winter break to share their vacation with Z the little boy that is their half sib that lives out there.

So if I occasionally now discuss the effects of life as a separated dad to donor insemination kids please indulge me.

Z Learns Its Not Easy Having Siblings

My kids and Z learned yesterday what it's like to have siblings. You are no longer the center of attention and butting heads is part of having a brother.

On that note these three are already calling each other by brother / sister terminology. Part of that is due to Z's wanting a "brother" and coming into the meeting with that term in his head. My son who had been using the term half sibling with regards to T up to this point had always also wanted a brother and his desire for one has trumped the desired terminology. At this point I am fine with it.

Generally I would want the terms brother / sister when kids are living with another but here the relationships are already very natural so I am letting them take the lead. We shall see what happens when T is added to the picture this morning.

Just Met Half Sibling Z

Pandemonium in the hotel room. The kids are having a ball. All very silly. Lots of boy craziness. Jumping. Yelling. Amusing. Great photos.

Ten Hours Until Sibling Meeting

It is midnight and in ten hours or thereabout my kids will be meeting their newest half sibling Z, a seven year old boy who is only 6 months younger than my son.

Z and his mom flew in from out of state earlier this evening and are staying in a Midtown hotel but will be staying with us Friday and Saturday nights.

T and her mom are driving up Saturday and will have her first meeting with Z when all the kids get together that day.

More posts as the our three day weekend progresses as we are keeping the kids out of school tomorrow and keeping them out of their normal Saturday activities as well.

If you had four half siblings together in NYC where would you go? I must admit I have not really planned out this weekend. As Z's mom requested we have only one requested stop to see the dinosaurs at the Museum of Natural History other than that the weekend can be laid back and just let the kids interact and get to know each other.

Should be an interesting weekend. I have enabled the blog to be updated remotely so expect a few short blog postings along the way. This post itself was submitted via my blackberry.

Another Half Sibling Found ! December Meeting Planned !

We have learned that my two children have another half sibling. A boy only about 6 months younger than my son.

So counting my two kids, and "T", the little girl we met twice over the last few years, we know of 4 children born from our donor. I plan on referencing the new half sibling as "Z".

And wait the news continues. Both T and Z and their moms are coming to NYC the first weekend in December ! All four kids under one roof. When Z heard about T and my kids he asked his mom when he can meet everyone else and somehow Z's mom got all of us talking and it is happening. Amazing.

Michael Jackson, DI Dad

I am reading all these articles about how Michael Jackson may not have been the biological father and its clear the media intends and has already sensationalized the issue.]

I cannot speak to Michael Jackson's past and the lawsuits etc about his interactions with other children. I was happy this morning to see an article that speaks to him being a good father and that is how the children saw him.

The children may someday want to know more about their biological parents, if the reports are true about the use of donor conception methods, and that should be their right and they should be allowed to pursue that when they each reach that decision if they do.

For now can we all let these children mourn the loss of the man they knew and loved as their daddy and shield them from sensationalism as much as possible.

Happy Belated Fathers Day 2009 !!!

My posting here is getting less and less frequent. Part of that will be even less frequent as work cut off my ability to log into Blogger from my office. Understandable but annoying.

I usually re-post my Fathers Day message from 2007 which I wrote regarding my children's donor. I did not even get to that this year except for this post linking to that post HERE.

Overall a good but wet day here in NYC. Kids are good and nothing truly new here to report. The younger one is completing pre-K and will be starting kindergarten in the same school as her brother next year.

She Has Your Eyes....but Speaks with Someone Else's Hands

I have noticed that I have been writing about once a month. I have meant to write more. So be it.

A few items. During the last month I attended another meeting of the Third Party Parenting Network where I met two other DI Dads and another dad via DE. Other than Vinnie from the Yahoo group and Walter Merricks from the DCN this was the first such meeting in a semi therapy session atmosphere. It was interesting. Nothing truly new but interesting to see the words come out someone elses mouth.

During this last month, the kids participated in another chess tournament. My son did OK but was having a off week overal and it affected his game. But that is not why I am writing this. Another mother we only met that day commented how my daughter's eyes favor my own. I am long past being bothered by these comments and if anything I am flattered as my daughter is real cutey.

My wife made some sort of comment to this woman that she should look past genetics and my wife even almost told this stranger the truth and I stopped her. There was no reason to do so on so many levels. This woman did not pick up on my shorthand that my wife should let the comment pass. It was somewhat amusing that my wife wanted to tell but then again maybe not.

We have been joking lately that the donor must have someone in his family that spoke with their hands as my daughter constantly gestures with her hands when she speaks. It is very cute but we have no idea where it comes from.

am New York: For Sale Sperm $100

As soon as I saw the front page of today's "am New York" newspaper I wondered what my children will think when they see images like this? The article discusses how in these hard economic times the number of individuals interested in donating for money has risen.

Back to my kids I wonder whether my kids will think, their donor, their biological father, simply donated to make a buck? How will that thought affect them.

Doppelgangers, First Impressions, Birth Certificates

Dopplegangers

Both my children play chess and through their classes my daughter met another girl about her age who could be their half siblings doppelganger. The resemblance is not perfect but close enough that my wife and I will occasionally remark about it.

We wonder if our daughter has noticed it (or even our son) as she and her brother have a picture of their half sibling in my son's room. Neither has said anything and we have commented about it to them but it is amusing.


First Impressions

I have not posted in about a month as work and life in general have been busy. We attended a NYC Gathering of donor conceived families and my impressions are posted on the Donor Conception New York blog. I also posted there my thoughts regarding the January meeting I attended of the Third Party Parenting Network here in NYC.


Birth Certificates

I have wanted to write a post regarding birth certificates as I read a couple of other blogs about this issue as it relates to donor conceived kids here in the US as well as the ongoing efforts in the UK to require notations on the certs of kids conceived via donor gametes. We also just submitted passport applications for the kids so the issue has been on my mind as I had to obtain certified copies of their certificates for the applications.

In the US there is a bill before the Missouri legislature that would grant donor conceived individuals greater rights regarding learning more about their donors and also includes provisions regarding birth certificates but the bill lacks teeth to require compliance by out of state cryobanks. I hope to write more about these issues soon.

HBO Documentary: Americam Families

My 6 1/2 year old son was interviewed this weekend for an HBO Family special in collaboration with Rosie O'Donnell which is designed as a celebration of American families today and which will include animated songs, portraits of different families, and kids between the ages of 4 and 7 talking about family. Both of my kids were supposed to be interviewed but my daughter was sick so I stayed home with her.

My son apparently had fun and was fine with being interviewed but was a little taken back by the boom microphone which was covered in a furry mike cover. It will be interesting to see what he said and what their questions were.

My only concern was how they would ask about the donor and from what angle. Biologicaly or not I don't want someone telling my child at less than 7 years old, much less any child, who their father is or is not. But based on what he told me they did not directly ask him about the donor. His mother, my wife, was not allowed on the set during the filming, all of 15 minutes, which did not thrill me but he was fine. He's been away longer when he did all those silly NYC school entrance exams with people I don't know so this did not phase his mom. We had hoped she could be there if anything to video it with a home camera so we'd have the experience on film even if his interview is not used.

Anyhow he has indicated that he explained to them how babies are made, and that a sperm and an egg must come together and that later an embryo will become a baby. He explained that he , his sister and his half sibling all have the same donor. Beyond that he has not stated any details. We actually told him later that night a bit more about his donor from what we know from the cryobank bios. Our feeling is that we want him to fully understand that the donor is a real person and not just an abstract concept and is limited to the sperm he donated. He was being a bit silly so we don't think it sunk in but the info will be added and confirmed through future conversations.

We were told that the special, if it airs, would air sometime late in the year if not in early 2010.

YouTube Video Advertising for a Donor Conceived Fiction Book

I was on FaceBook a short time ago and noticed that the founder of one of the donor conceived interest groups had posted a link to a YouTube video titled "My So-Called Fmily" which is the title of one of the two teenager centered books I referred two a few months back.

It turns out the video which looks a bit like a TV show / movie of the week commercial is an advertisement for the book. Now I have seen everything. Based on the video would you buy the book?

The video was posted by TheClassof2K8. I am not sure whether this party is the author, the video's creator, other interested party.

Donor Conceived Blogs - Individual and Group Efforts

In the past few years that I have been writing this blog I have seen a fair number of individual blogs by donor conceived individuals and websites devoted to the views of political and social positions on this topic.

The above site, Donor Conceived Perspectives, presents in one location blog posts by several donor conceived individuals (many of which maintain individual blogs as well) from varying backgrounds and locations around the world and is definitely worth checking out. My apologies as I am beat otherwise I would write more about this site and others.

On a personal and unrelated note:

I had one of those days where the act of parenting was a challenge. At one point my 6 year old son wanted to go live with another family as he was unhappy as to how he was being punished and even though the incident had nothing to do with donor conception you wonder is this how it will feel when he uses that fact in an argument. By the end of the day everyone was happy again and the incident conciously forgotten by him. But apparently not by me.

The 2008 Creme de la Creme List

My "Father's Day" post has been included on the 2008 Creme de la Creme list of the best infertility / loss / adoption blogs that Melissa over at Stirrup Queens puts together annually. I originaly wrote the post in 2007 but re-ran it in 2008. The list really includes some great posts from a multitude of bloggers at different points in their infertility journey.

Currently Stirrup Queens is a finalist in this years Weblog Awards in the Best Medical / Health Issues category and I believe based on the incredible work she has done clearly deserves the accolade of winning in this category so I ask everyone to vote for her, daily, to ensure she gets this recognition. There are a few days late to vote so please do.

Announcing the 2008 Donor Conception Blog Awards

It's that time of year when the blog world all goes a twitter at who was nominated and who is being voted best in their respective categories.

I was thinking let's start our own Donor Conception Blog Awards in the following categories (if you think of other categories let me know):

(1) Donor Conceived
(2) Choice Mom / SMC via DI
(3) TTC - DE - male or female authored
(4) TTC - DI (MFI) - male or female authored
(5) Donors - Former or Current
(6) TTC - 2 Moms
(7) DE / DI - Mom & Dad family
(8) DE / DI - LGBT
(9) General DC Issues

If you believe one or more of these categories should be consolidated let me know. If enough individuals believe this is worthwhile let me know and we can set this up.

I figure since the DC blogging world is not all that big we should start with only three nominated blogs in each category. If anyone has an idea for an award logo or nomination logo let me know as well.

My Donor Sibling Registry T-Shirt

Back in October 2005 when I first attended the Canadian Infertility Network seminar regarding donor conception I bought anumber of books but passed on the above t-shirt which was for sale. At this year's conference the remaining shirts held by the Infertility Network were basically given away.

So I now own the shirt and occasionally wear it around the apartment. My kids have asked what it means and I have explained what it represents and that the DSR is how we found their half sibling. Their question answered they move on as young children will tend to do.

My wife however has asked me whether I have worn this shirt outside the apartment and actually would rather I do not. Her reasons focus on the fact that our using donor conception is nobody's business but our own and the kids and that I should not be advertising their story. Good points to say the least.

I then mention that maybe I'd wear the shirt at the Third Party Parenting Network meeting we are attending next week. At this she laughs at me and states I am not going to wear the shirt outside the apartment in any way other than under another shirt or sweatshirt ever. This is said clearly and simply in that voice all spouses reserve for each other when they are saying their word is final, that you have lost your marbles, and that people will think you are a nuts.

So I am left with wearing the shirt around the apartment and wondering why then did I take the shirt in the first place. Amusing.

If you are interested in buying your own shirt, if any still exist, I would either contact the DSR directly or the Infertility Network. Happy New Year !

Video: "All About Me - Donor Unknown"

This evening I came upon a video by Alice, a donor conceived adult, in her twenties who set out to learn more about what it means to be donor conceived. I found the video on the British website Teachers.tv.

The video's creation, per the credits, was assisted by the Donor Conception Network, in the UK, and includes interviews by Alice with two families that were included on the DCN "Telling and Talking" DVD. Alice also interview a 14 year old donor conceived young woman who has known since she was a child as well as Andy, a former donor, who now believes the rights of DCPs to learn the identity of their donors outweigh the expectation of anonymity by donors.

The video is overall a worthy addition to the lexicon of videos by donor conceived individuals to educate the public of the issues and questions that go along with DC methods.

Should We Look For Our Sperm Donor?

There is a post on the Yahoo Donor Sibling Registry discussion group about a family that learned that their donor had died. They had been excited as they were making plans to meet and recently learned of his passing.

Makes you wonder, whether despite the legal contract I signed not to look, whether we should be looking. My first responsibilty is to my own kids not ethically whether I must uphold the contract. Should we look now? Just to locate him so we know where to go if the kids are interested to know. If we wait we could lose their opportunity.

Infertility Books (1) Land of IF & (2) Maybe Baby

This post is a hit and run post as I am at work on 12/26 and want to get out of here. My apologies to both authors.

"Navigating the LAND of IF"

I have "known" Melissa Ford, albeit online, for a few years now and I can say therefore I knew her back when as she has become a singular force in the on-line infertility community with her website Stirrup Queens and its related special purpose sites.

She has built, on a personal level, what so many clinics, therapists and national organization can only dream of....a pre-built support system of fellow bloggers and individuals who know exactly what you are going through. The system has peer support for every variation of infertility.

So when she titled her book "Navigating the LAND of IF" you can be sure you will have no better guide than Melissa.

"Maybe Baby"

This afternoon I stopped in at a local chain bookstore and wandered past the infertility section to see what titles were new and to see if the male perspective was being represented at all and was surprised to see that it was. A rare and amazing event had occured. "Maybe Baby" is by the author, Matthew Miller, of the blog by the same name. Perusing the blog today I am amazed at how I missed this great blog and resource for guys going through male factor infertility.

I have read many MFI blogs over the years and most have fallen by the way side once the kids show up but I can say few if any have reached as many readers as Matthew Miller's Maybe Baby blog do. I applaud Mr. Miller for his honesty and humor for putting his life and that of his wife's so pubicly out there. So for those guys out there who are TTC and want something to read on thei daily commute and at home if the Internet is not really your thing pick up this book. I have and I am obviously no longer TTC but want to read what this man has to say.

Regards and Happy Holidays !

Jennifer Lopez : Mom via Donor Insemination in "Plan B"

According to the NY Daily News story linked HERE Jennifer Lopez will star in a film titled "Plan B" where she will attempt to conceive a child via donor insemination.

No word whether (a) her character is planning to be a choice mom / single mom by choice or (b) whether her character's husband has male factor infertility issues or (c) whether her character is one half of lesbian couple. My bet it's choice "a".

If there is a DI Dad in the picture perhaps we can get the script to include him in the yahoo group.

Updates: Local DC Groups, Seminars, Discussion Groups

The past week and a half, I have personally seen donor conception activity on several fronts.

On Monday December 8th, I participated in the last session of a multi-part forum for families considering using donor egg to start their families. The Forum was sponsored by the American Fertility Association and was chaired by Patricia Mendell. That same day received back comments from Vinnie, another DI Dad, about a draft Donor Conception New York flyer I had drafted. Olivia from the DCN also gave me her comments later in the week.

On Tuesday, I received an email from Sara Axel who for the last several years, as a volunteer, has run a stand alone, unaffiliated, peer support group called NYC Gathering and who also runs a similiar group for Resolve of Long Island. On Thursday, December 11th, I received another email from Nancy Kaufman, who together with Elizabeth Silk, run a group titled Third Party Parenting Network right here in New York City. TPPM is also a peer support group even though both Nancy and Elizabeth are therapists.

On Friday, Bob Bammon, a therapist who also work with infertility issues, and who is also associated with the AFA, invited to me to join in a phone discussion group of professionals and concerned individuals to discuss issues relative to the rights of donor conceived children and families.

Pretty cool week.

AFA Publishes Donor Conception New York Article

The American Fertility Association published an article I wrote regarding Donor Conception New York in their November 2008 eConnections on-line newsletter. They titled the article DI_Dad where I hoped it would be titled after Donor Conception New York. I can understand it as I wrote the top half of the piece about who I am, this blog, the DI Dads Yahoo Group and then how I came to the point of wanting to create the Donor Conception New York group.

Anyhow if you want to read the whole piece you can link to it above or HERE. I am hoping it will generate interest in the group. The Donor Conception New York blog and related Yahoo group can be linked to within this sentence.

Post Secret: Donor Conceived Post Card

Anyone who has ever visited the Post Secret website knows how raw the emotions are regarding the post card submissions posted on this site. The above card re donor conception is no exception. I have not yet foudn the URL to its posting directly on the Post Secret website itself.

Also as enlightening is the post published on Lindsay's blog Confessions of a Cryokid. I have been reading Lindsay's blog for some time and for some reason only tonight got around to linking to it in my right hand side bar.

Lindsay also links to the Post Secret Forum discussion thread in response to the above Post Secret post card. It is also worth checking out.

I am hoping my kids never feel this level of pain to feel submitting a card like this is necessary but I thankful for this individual that they did something as evidently they feel a fair amount of pain.

Forbes: "Searching for my Donor Dad"

Many of the articles regarding donor insemination that I have read by donor conceived individuals include the phrase "I wasn't looking for a dad. I was looking for a donor". Hana Alberts includes just that sentence in an article she has written and is currently published on Forbes.com.

It is a statement that many internet comment posters don't always believe. That is their problem. The article is pretty good and details a bit about the search the writer has gone through. Definitely worth checking out.

Cheaper by the Dozen

This afternoon while watching television with the kids we ended up watching the Steve Martin version of the movie Cheaper by the Dozen. I asked the kids if they wanted 10 brothers and sisters and of course the answer was yes even if that meant 8 kids in my son's room and 4 in his sister's room. The movie is plenty cute and despite the internal squabbles of the kids they all loved each other and as the movie ended they all lived happily ever after.

I realized this evening that my own kids will grow up like both my wife and I did with only one sibling and that will be basically their whole family except for two cousins on side of the family. No we are not even contemplating having more DI kids but the wish the kids had a larger family for support and just normal stuff is appealing.

It's been several months since the kids last physically met "T" their only known half sibling. I wish we all lived closer so that the kids could see her more often. They have not asked about "T" that much lately. I am not pushing them to include her in their thoughts and we let her existence come up naturally if and when the kids ask.

I still check the Donor Sibling Registry periodically to see if more half siblings are out there but as time passes it is less and less likely that there are others or at least if there are that their families will register their existence on the DSR decreasing the likelihood that we will even learn about them.

I believe I have written here that before I learned of my infertility I always wanted four kids. These days for financial reasons alone that is less heard of much less when infertility is encountered. So for now I will continue to live out my desire for a larger family through television while snuggling with the two beautiful kids I have.

Advertising for Donor Conception New York

Yesterday I decided to start advertising on a few "parent" centered blogs and a few LGBT blogs / site to start getting the word out about building a donor conception community here in the NYC area. The button on the left is perhaps overly simple, but states its question, and hopefully it with a link to the Donor Conception New York blog site will start attracting interest in the idea of a new organization. I will also be starting a Facebook group as suggested to me by a member on the Donor Conception New York blog's companion Yahoo group.

What are your thoughts? Can you spread the word and post the blue button on your blog or site?