Sunday, June 18, 2006

Father's Day Cards

Father's Day Cards. On the Yahoo Group Donor MisConception there is a picture of a test tube unsure of what to make of a Father's Day card it apparently received. Sounds crazy but the Cryobanks may soon start receiving such cards. A few folks posting on one donor conception related discusion group are suggesting just that.

Now one hand they are suggesting this as a signal to the cryobanks that there is a need for reform and on the other hand they proposing the cards be sent in case the donors are curious and ask if their offspring have attempted to contact them through the cryobanks.

I only read the e-mails suggesting this idea once through and I probably through again. I am guessing none of these suggestions come from families that include a DI dad. If my wife told me she was going to have the kids write such a card to the donor I am guessing I would not be overly thrilled.

The concept as whole does not seem a bad one to highlight the need for increased openness from the banks. And if the concept is truly to establish contact with the donors I can see the issue being stronger if the sender is a teenage or adult donor conceived person but for the cards to come from minor children when there is a DI dad in the house I ask that the families first discuss this altogether otherwise there will be unhappy DI dads out there.

Granted this all was written on a gut reaction and I need to learn more about the concept with a more neutral mind. With that in mind I wish a Happy Father's Day to all who know themselves to be father's and are lucky enough to have family nearby to celebrate the holiday with.


Mary C. said...

Happy Father's Day, Eric, and to all of the other dads, social or biological, who may read this. My daughter, nearly nine, does not have a social father as I am an SMC. After the discussion on the DSR, I was prepared to suggest writing a thank you card to the donor who gave me the seeds to make her and her half siblings. We would send it to the Fairfax Cryobank and ask that it be either sent to him or placed in his file. I suspect that social fathers would not feel as threatened by a thank you card instead of a Father's Day card. And yet it would not diminish the message being sent to the cryobanks on Father's Day (or Mother's Day for egg/embryo donation). So far she has made no issue of Father's Day at all. She did however ask me on Friday why she was the only one in her class without at least one stay-at-home parent who can take her to the pool every day. Even though 1) she agreed this was a huge exageration, and 2) if she did have a father, it is unlikely that I would be a stay at home mom, it still bothered me a bit. We all have our little tender spots, don't we? Ah well, enjoy your day.


DI_Dad said...

It's funny how rationally we understand one thing but still have those tender spots. - Eric

terri said...

Hi Eric:
Just now getting back to responding to your blog. I was the one who started the "Father's Day Cards" post on the DSR Message Group and wanted to let you know the crux of my post was directed to those mothers (mostly SMCs and lesbians) who were expressing uncomfortable feelings about the schools promoting Father's Day card making because they were afraid their children felt left out or different with no father in the picture. My suggestion was intended to offer them an alternative solution; i.e., make a sort of "thank you" card for their genetic father in the absence of a social father. My intent was never to offend or hurt any of the "social" dads out there. In my mind, you are the Dad, period; a sentiment I'm sure my DC son would second. Even if the "bio-dad" becomes known to my son some day, I feel certain the honorable title of "dad" will remain my husband's. On a side note, I just wanted to let you know how much I admire your honesty and openness. Your sharing your feelings has meant the world to me as it reaffirms how my husband felt about our son.

DI_Dad said...

Thanks Terri. In truth the concept of thanking a donor is never a bad one and I believe I always realized the intent was never to discount ther social dads.

I think my unspoken concern was about elevating the bio dad where a young child might begin to see the donor as pure where they can see their social dad's day to day flaws where then the child might unconsciously want to supplant the social dad. I realize this is just random paranoia but these thoughts seem to cross more than just this social dad's brain.

Again thanks,