Monday, January 30, 2006

My Thank You to Our Donor

I realized the other day that I have not thanked our unknown donor.

I have read many online thank you’s but all have been from the mom's perspective. They all generally start by saying thank you for the gift of the children and how smart and cute the kids are. Most if not all thank the donor for their gift whether it was wholly based in altruism or only partially so.

While I do want to sincerely thank the donor for each of these thoughts I also want to thank the donor for believing that another man (1) could raise his offspring and genetic heir to the best of his recipient's ability and knowledge,(2) that the recipient father would give enough love to any number of children born with no decrease in quantity shown to each child and (3) allowing me to be a father in the truest sense of the word (beyond the obvious biological definitions).

I cannot say if the donor had any of these thoughts while he was providing his genetic material to the cryobank. I have listened to his taped voice on CD Rom so I do believe he fully understood what he was providing. What he thinks today is unknown. Some donors regret their decisions others still believe in the gifts they provided.

I also want to thank our donor prospectively for hopefully respecting any decisions we make to help our children understand their conception and to help them process this still extraordinary method in which for their lives to have begun. I want to thank the donor for the opportunity given to my wife and I to create a family and to share the love we have felt for these kids even before they were conceived. It will never be our intent to forget him, dismiss or marginalize his contribution or genetic role in our kids's growth or development but at the same time it is our intent to teach these children that being a family is part genetic and part love as demonstrated by our actions. I want to thank the donor for what I hope is his understanding of all these thoughts and wishes.

One additional statement that I believe I need to make is not so much a thank you as a promise. I have been extremely clear on this blog that I realize the use of DC whether it be DI or DE has created for some Donor Conceived Persons an irreparable loss regarding 1/2 of their histories. Our intent was never to bring harm or pain to our kids and as a dad it is my pledge to do everything I can to help my kids if they too find themselves in such pain. I believe I can help them while I recognize the use of DC created the issue and they themselves will ultimately have to come to terms with the issues surrounding their conception.

2 comments:

Michael said...

You're right. It is pretty rare for the recipient father to come out of the woodwork and acknowledge their situation let alone compose and publicly broadcast such a moving declaration of thanks to the donor. In fact, I have only ever encountered such sentiments at best in a fleeting manner in the last four years since I have been personally involved in the donor conception debate. I was particularly struck by the promises which you make to the man who enabled you and your wife to finally become parents. Beautiful words. My kind regards - Michael

terri said...

Wow. I am truly touched by your words and applaud the efforts you have made on behalf of your family.