no. 340
I know I have not been posting as frequently lately and for that I apologize.
This week our home PC crashed in an ugly fashion but I had backed up all our photos and videos a short 20 minutes earlier so I am not totally crazed by this (although I am) as I know I have not lost these memories forever. I will say buy a back up drive (i,e, Maxtor or whatever)immediately if you have not made other arrangements and have all those photos and personal records off your base PC.
The DI Dads book is going slowly as only a few dads have submitted essays to me. My video submission to the IIFF has stalled. I may just video me talking for a few moments. I had hoped once I updated my PC (yes that is when it crashed, tragic I know) I could then download MovieMaker and really get into my submission.
Sometimes my nickname of Charlie Brown appears accurate. At least I am able to forward my and my wife's e-mail to my blackberry. Feel free to say hello. I can't even moderate the DI Dads Yahoo group this weekend although between my two moderators I figure it has some coverage. Max, Bob - Please look in on the group this weekend if you can?
Friday, March 16, 2007
Monday, March 12, 2007
Fighting Cousins
no. 339
One of my earliest posts titled "Kissing Cousins" addressed the fact that my kids are not blodd relatives to my nieces. This post has the same theme but with I think a reverse twist.
We spent yesterday at my sister's house with my family celebrating a birthday. My son was the only boy playing with his cousins and his younger sister. My sister's house does not have a lot of boy centered toys and usually the toys he selects to play with his cousins are not thrilled with him touching. Consequently thess visits usually end up with the girls wishing my son would go home early. Maybe not consciously but subconsciously.
My wife asked me when we finally did get home whether my sister ever explained to her kids how their cousins were created. I guessed that she had not as they are only in kindergarten and second grade. But I wondered if she had would my nieces ever say anything to my kids (especially my son) when my kids are getting on their nerves.
It's one thing when you tell family, the adults, of the use of donor conception but you never know how kids react. They may not care or they will interpret what they think they understand in some unexpected manner. Eventually we shall see.
One of my earliest posts titled "Kissing Cousins" addressed the fact that my kids are not blodd relatives to my nieces. This post has the same theme but with I think a reverse twist.
We spent yesterday at my sister's house with my family celebrating a birthday. My son was the only boy playing with his cousins and his younger sister. My sister's house does not have a lot of boy centered toys and usually the toys he selects to play with his cousins are not thrilled with him touching. Consequently thess visits usually end up with the girls wishing my son would go home early. Maybe not consciously but subconsciously.
My wife asked me when we finally did get home whether my sister ever explained to her kids how their cousins were created. I guessed that she had not as they are only in kindergarten and second grade. But I wondered if she had would my nieces ever say anything to my kids (especially my son) when my kids are getting on their nerves.
It's one thing when you tell family, the adults, of the use of donor conception but you never know how kids react. They may not care or they will interpret what they think they understand in some unexpected manner. Eventually we shall see.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Competing Donor Conception Projects
I am competing with myself for my time. By the end of March I need to have written my own essays for the next book in the Voices of Donor Conception series. This volume is focusing on the DI Dads and men considering DI. Yes, we have started the book.
The second project competing for my time is my submission to the International Infertility Film Festival. I have not truly nailed down my premise for my submission. I know it should address MFI and Donor Insemination / Conception but how is my issue and what message am I to send. Do I need a message? Perhaps not. I can't speak from one of the pain of TTC as I am no longer at that point.
I tried filming a short series of comments the other night as my submission but close ups of me after midnight is only a view my wife should be stuck with. And what I was saying sounded preachy. I need to write and film something closer to home.
As for the book we are shooting for a June publish date, hopefully in time for Father's Day and also leave time prior to that date for some publicity of the volume.
I plan to invest my own money in this project, although my wife is not thrilled, even though we have many other expenses ahead of us including school for our son for next year. Another topic altogether but it's a real possibility he is going to Day School if I can figure how to swing it even with the discounted rate the school is offering. Discounted but not free by any means. Again another topic. We have 10 days to accept their offer.
Should be an interesting and stressful month.
The second project competing for my time is my submission to the International Infertility Film Festival. I have not truly nailed down my premise for my submission. I know it should address MFI and Donor Insemination / Conception but how is my issue and what message am I to send. Do I need a message? Perhaps not. I can't speak from one of the pain of TTC as I am no longer at that point.
I tried filming a short series of comments the other night as my submission but close ups of me after midnight is only a view my wife should be stuck with. And what I was saying sounded preachy. I need to write and film something closer to home.
As for the book we are shooting for a June publish date, hopefully in time for Father's Day and also leave time prior to that date for some publicity of the volume.
I plan to invest my own money in this project, although my wife is not thrilled, even though we have many other expenses ahead of us including school for our son for next year. Another topic altogether but it's a real possibility he is going to Day School if I can figure how to swing it even with the discounted rate the school is offering. Discounted but not free by any means. Again another topic. We have 10 days to accept their offer.
Should be an interesting and stressful month.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Popularity of and Choosing a Sperm Donor
no. 337
In the last two weeks the NYT has now run two articles focusing on Donor Conception / Insemination and one letter to the editor. The newest article by Gina Kolata focuses on the choice of donors and Fairfax Cryobank's Donor 1913 and his alleged most popular status.
Anonymous Conception
Psst! Ask for Donor 1913
New York Times
By GINA KOLATA
Published: February 18, 2007
They Are Linked by Their Genes (1 Letter)
NYT Letters to the Editor
Published: February 20, 2007
Janine Baer
I plan to post the text of these articles to the Annex later this week for now the links are provided above to the NYT itself. My own reactiosn resulted in my submitting my own letter to the editor. If I don't hear from the NYT within I think two weeks, their time requirement, I will post it here. The crux of my letter involves male input into the selection process.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Emerging Donors – A DI Dads Dilemma
no. 336
Sperm Donor Father [CCB 150] Ends His Anonymity
NY Times
Amy Harmon
February 14, 2007
Hello, I’m Your Sister. Our Father is Donor 150
NY Times
Amy Harmon
November 20, 2005
The November 20, 2005 article was one of the first within Ms. Harmon’s series that graced the cover of the NY Times bringing the issues surrounding DI to the forefront of water cooler discussions in the past 18 months. Seeing today’s article bring some resolution to the identity issue for the donor conceived teenagers and young adults in the piece was nice to see, read, and feel a part of.
As a DI dad initial reactions are a curious thing. You are happy for these kids but then you wonder will my own kids have such a desire to meet / find their bio father? How will I feel when it’s a real man across the park they are walking towards? Long term it’s certainly a good thing from their perspective but it also makes you take stock of yourself and the reminder that your emotional reactions / needs must come second to theirs.
Not all DI dads will take this approach. Certainly most heterosexual couples still have not told their kids of their origins and that’s their decision. My kids know and will continue to be told their story so how will I feel when it’s their turn we’ll have to wait and see how life develops for them and for me.
Sperm Donor Father [CCB 150] Ends His Anonymity
NY Times
Amy Harmon
February 14, 2007
Hello, I’m Your Sister. Our Father is Donor 150
NY Times
Amy Harmon
November 20, 2005
The November 20, 2005 article was one of the first within Ms. Harmon’s series that graced the cover of the NY Times bringing the issues surrounding DI to the forefront of water cooler discussions in the past 18 months. Seeing today’s article bring some resolution to the identity issue for the donor conceived teenagers and young adults in the piece was nice to see, read, and feel a part of.
As a DI dad initial reactions are a curious thing. You are happy for these kids but then you wonder will my own kids have such a desire to meet / find their bio father? How will I feel when it’s a real man across the park they are walking towards? Long term it’s certainly a good thing from their perspective but it also makes you take stock of yourself and the reminder that your emotional reactions / needs must come second to theirs.
Not all DI dads will take this approach. Certainly most heterosexual couples still have not told their kids of their origins and that’s their decision. My kids know and will continue to be told their story so how will I feel when it’s their turn we’ll have to wait and see how life develops for them and for me.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Sperm Storage Fees: The 2006/2007 Question
no. 335
Well we ended up continuing to store our remaining vials. I just sent the cryobank via email an updated storage agreement requesting that my credit card be billed monthly as opposed to paying a year's worth of storage at once. Sort of like a month to month lease for space in their cryogenic tank.
We envision in the next few months selling back all but one or two vials at 50% of what we paid for them but for the moment the decision is again put off for another day. It is doubtful we will ever use these vials but like many others we are too chicken to pull the plug.
Well we ended up continuing to store our remaining vials. I just sent the cryobank via email an updated storage agreement requesting that my credit card be billed monthly as opposed to paying a year's worth of storage at once. Sort of like a month to month lease for space in their cryogenic tank.
We envision in the next few months selling back all but one or two vials at 50% of what we paid for them but for the moment the decision is again put off for another day. It is doubtful we will ever use these vials but like many others we are too chicken to pull the plug.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
International Infertility Film Festival - Not Much Time Left
no. 334Sorry, for the lack of posts these last two weeks. It's been extremely cold here in NYC and by the time I get home I am bushed and the kids have been up later than usual. Hence one tired poppa.
I have been struggling with what to submit for the film festival. I have toyed with asking other dads to film themselves for 5 seconds each and send me photos and put together a collage of what infertile men look like (namely like anybody) with title sequences that state infertility can hit anybody so watch what you say and be supportive etc. etc. yadda yadda yadda. Other ideas have me discussing the topic with my kids but J won't stay still and I am not thrilled with putting his face out there so publicly.
Only a few more weeks and I need to create an entry. The whole avatar / electronic actor thing is beyond my time and ability right now. The apartment is too cold for me to be up late creating stuff on the PC right now. Anyone have an idea?
I have been struggling with what to submit for the film festival. I have toyed with asking other dads to film themselves for 5 seconds each and send me photos and put together a collage of what infertile men look like (namely like anybody) with title sequences that state infertility can hit anybody so watch what you say and be supportive etc. etc. yadda yadda yadda. Other ideas have me discussing the topic with my kids but J won't stay still and I am not thrilled with putting his face out there so publicly.
Only a few more weeks and I need to create an entry. The whole avatar / electronic actor thing is beyond my time and ability right now. The apartment is too cold for me to be up late creating stuff on the PC right now. Anyone have an idea?
Monday, February 05, 2007
"Sperm Banks' Screening Too Strict" (No Altruistic Purpose Here)
no. 333
Spectator News
(Student Newspaper of the University of Wisconsin)
Jacob McCormick
Issue Date: Feb. 5, 2007
Four excerpts of an article written by a student who looked into donating....full text posted on the Annex linked above....
"Last semester, I was joking around with a few fellow staffers at The Spectator about donating sperm. Because of my constant need for money to cover my extravagant spending budget, I decided to look into actually donating.
.....
I figured it couldn't be more painful than giving plasma twice a week. At a minimum income of $100 per accepted sample, according to the Genetics and IVF Cryobank Web site, it is a much more profitable venture than plasma, even though the nearest sperm donation center is located in Roseville, Minn.
.....
The one thing that was a big concern to me when I was considering donating sperm was the confidentiality of my name and the legal issues that may be involved with indirectly fathering a child. However, Cryobank's Web site states that all names are withheld and that the donor does not have to worry about child support or anything of that nature.
.....
The monetary compensation for donating sperm is definitely worth the procedure and it isn't a waste of time to look into donating. But given the rare chance of actually becoming a donor, I think I'll stay master of my domain and continue donating plasma."
After reading the full article it certainly did not leave a positive impression. I counter this article in my mind with the donor voice recording we have. I would expect having heard that recording that my kids will at least feel their donor had good intentions even if they know he was paid money.
Spectator News
(Student Newspaper of the University of Wisconsin)
Jacob McCormick
Issue Date: Feb. 5, 2007
Four excerpts of an article written by a student who looked into donating....full text posted on the Annex linked above....
"Last semester, I was joking around with a few fellow staffers at The Spectator about donating sperm. Because of my constant need for money to cover my extravagant spending budget, I decided to look into actually donating.
.....
I figured it couldn't be more painful than giving plasma twice a week. At a minimum income of $100 per accepted sample, according to the Genetics and IVF Cryobank Web site, it is a much more profitable venture than plasma, even though the nearest sperm donation center is located in Roseville, Minn.
.....
The one thing that was a big concern to me when I was considering donating sperm was the confidentiality of my name and the legal issues that may be involved with indirectly fathering a child. However, Cryobank's Web site states that all names are withheld and that the donor does not have to worry about child support or anything of that nature.
.....
The monetary compensation for donating sperm is definitely worth the procedure and it isn't a waste of time to look into donating. But given the rare chance of actually becoming a donor, I think I'll stay master of my domain and continue donating plasma."
After reading the full article it certainly did not leave a positive impression. I counter this article in my mind with the donor voice recording we have. I would expect having heard that recording that my kids will at least feel their donor had good intentions even if they know he was paid money.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Needs of Sperm Donors, Offspring at Odds
no. 332
Needs of Sperm Donors, Offspring at Odds
By Kay Miller
Star Tribune
Minneapolis – St. Paul
Last Updated: February 2, 2007
- The sperm bank industry is being challenged to catch up with growing demands for detailed information about donors as thousands of their offspring come of age.
- The article includes the following paragraph:
"Morrissette collected evocative essays from DI children, a sperm donor, even an infertile father in her 2006 book, " Behind Closed Doors: Moving Beyond Secrecy and Shame," (Be-Mondo Publishing, $12.95)"
The infertile father is me!
-------------------------------------
A Sperm Donor has Waited for More than a Year to Become Part of His Kids Lives
WIBW.com
Topeka, Kansas
Posted: 4:48pm Feb. 2, 2007
- An update of the Kansas Supreme Court case. In short this was the first day the Court could have issued its opinion. It did not do so and the next possible date a decision can be issued is March 16.
--------------------------------------------
Donor Offspring Find One Another
Star Tribune
Minneapolis - St. Paul
by Kay Miller
Last Updated: February 02, 2007 – 5:13 PM
- The mothers know that Donor 1047 has at least 23 offspring, possibly as many as 100.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Where I've Been - Just Being a Dad
no. 331
During the last week I really have not had much time to decide to what to post here. For that matter I missed a posting deadline on another blog I am a member of. It's not so much that I have not had anything to say but rather I have been having fun just being a dad and specifically setting up a photoblog for my son on a topic he is currently involved in ...his love of the subways (the NYC kid's version of trains). Unfortunately for you folks the blog is a private one as it contains images of my kids and I want keep their images private when I can.
So don't worry topics like the the Virginia legislative bills regarding assisted reproduction and new donor conception blogs are not far from my mind but at the moment just being a dad is taking precedence. You can be sure when the Kansas decision is rendered regarding the rights of that sperm donor I will be blogging about it.
During the last week I really have not had much time to decide to what to post here. For that matter I missed a posting deadline on another blog I am a member of. It's not so much that I have not had anything to say but rather I have been having fun just being a dad and specifically setting up a photoblog for my son on a topic he is currently involved in ...his love of the subways (the NYC kid's version of trains). Unfortunately for you folks the blog is a private one as it contains images of my kids and I want keep their images private when I can.
So don't worry topics like the the Virginia legislative bills regarding assisted reproduction and new donor conception blogs are not far from my mind but at the moment just being a dad is taking precedence. You can be sure when the Kansas decision is rendered regarding the rights of that sperm donor I will be blogging about it.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
FDA Says Embryo Bank Not Under its Jurisdiction
no. 330
Houston Chronicle
Associated Press
January 24, 2007
SAN ANTONIO — The Food and Drug Administration said Wednesday that a broker offering ready-made embryos to prospective parents does not fall under its jurisdiction.
Houston Chronicle
Associated Press
January 24, 2007
SAN ANTONIO — The Food and Drug Administration said Wednesday that a broker offering ready-made embryos to prospective parents does not fall under its jurisdiction.
An FDA spokeswoman in Dallas confirmed this month that the agency was investigating Jennalee Ryan's Abraham Center of Life but would not elaborate.
It was unclear what laws or regulations were the focus of the investigation.
An FDA statement Wednesday said that "the investigation determined that the facility was not currently engaged in practices that fall under FDA jurisdiction."
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
DI Dad Responsible for Child Support Despite Separation Agreements
no. 329
Mark Fass
New York Law Journal
January 24, 2007
New York Law Journal
January 24, 2007
Delaware County, NY, Acting Supreme Court Justice Eugene E. Peckham has held that a man who grudgingly agreed to his wife's artificial insemination with a donor's sperm may not deny legal responsibility for the child during the couple's divorce proceedings. [Laura G. v. Peter G., 1070/04.]
"The couple who married in 1995 agreed in 2004 separation agreement that the husband had no financial responsibility for the then unborn child. Shortly before the parties filed for an uncontested divorce, they entered into a stipulation that again stated that Mr. G. would not be financially liable for the child and calculated his child support obligation exclusive of her.
Shortly before the parties filed for an uncontested divorce, they entered into a stipulation that again stated that Mr. G. would not be financially liable for Alyssa and calculated his child support obligation exclusive of her. "
In short the Judge ruled that the husband had agreed to the DI, raised the child, developed a loving relationship to the child, and that to now cut off that relationship would not be in the best interests of the child.
The judge cited the Court of Appeals [NYS's highest court] decision Shondel J. v Mark D., 7 NY3d 320, which held, "Where a child justifiably relies on the representations of a man that he is her father with the result that she will be harmed by the man's denial of paternity, the man may be estopped from asserting that denial." "
2007 Sundance Film Festival Entry Includes Sperm Donor Plot
no. 328
Salt Lake Tribune
By Ellen Fagg
"....In "Never Forever," a complicated, graphic love triangle, [Vera] Farmiga's Sophie is a rich, impeccably-dressed wife with a halo of blond feathery curls who secretly seeks a sperm donor when her Korean-American husband can't father a child......"
IMDB listing
Salt Lake Tribune
By Ellen Fagg
"....In "Never Forever," a complicated, graphic love triangle, [Vera] Farmiga's Sophie is a rich, impeccably-dressed wife with a halo of blond feathery curls who secretly seeks a sperm donor when her Korean-American husband can't father a child......"
IMDB listing
Saturday, January 20, 2007
NY Metro Parents
no. 327
I submitted an online application to the NY Metro Parents website to become a contributor to their "Parent's Blog Network" using my work on this blog as a reference. Their on-line website appears to cover most, if not all, the topics covered by their various free NYC print magazines.
My base topic of observing life as a dad to DI kids may be too narrow for them but as a dad here in NYC maybe they'll be interested in another viewpoint. Considering alternative reproductive technologies are recently a frequent topic of interest in the press they may be interested.
I also submitted a discussion board entry indicating I am looking for other NYC area parents who kids are donor conceived to start a local network of families so my kids and theirs can know other kids whose stories are similiar.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Sperm Donor Movie : Re-Titled Yet Again !
no. 327
It appears that within the last week the IMDB listing for this movie has now listed it under the title "And Then Came Love". So the working title history so far includes in most recent order "Somebody Like You" and originally "Who Needs 'Em?".
Should we take bets what other titles it may change to before it completes post-production and is released? The movie stars Vanessa Williams and is directed by Richard Schenkman. The movie also stars Ken Daniels, Michael Boatman, and Eartha Kitt.
It appears that within the last week the IMDB listing for this movie has now listed it under the title "And Then Came Love". So the working title history so far includes in most recent order "Somebody Like You" and originally "Who Needs 'Em?".
Should we take bets what other titles it may change to before it completes post-production and is released? The movie stars Vanessa Williams and is directed by Richard Schenkman. The movie also stars Ken Daniels, Michael Boatman, and Eartha Kitt.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
National De-Lurking Week: Jan. 8th - 12th
no. 326
I apparently did not realize that January 8-12, 2007 was National De-Lurking Week. I apologize to anyone that would have liked to de-lurk during the sanctioned period.
If you feel you can de-lurk now even though the amnesty of the week has past I encourage you to do so. It might mean that I will be held accountable for coaxing you out into the open without reading you the Internet equivalent of your Miranda Rights but I think I will risk it. Hopefully you will as well. What could 4 days hurt?
If you feel uncomfortable now that the week has past but would like to say hello feel free to contact me via my e-mail address posted on my Blogger profile. I promise no personal e-mails will be made public unless you want them to be.
I apparently did not realize that January 8-12, 2007 was National De-Lurking Week. I apologize to anyone that would have liked to de-lurk during the sanctioned period.
If you feel you can de-lurk now even though the amnesty of the week has past I encourage you to do so. It might mean that I will be held accountable for coaxing you out into the open without reading you the Internet equivalent of your Miranda Rights but I think I will risk it. Hopefully you will as well. What could 4 days hurt?
If you feel uncomfortable now that the week has past but would like to say hello feel free to contact me via my e-mail address posted on my Blogger profile. I promise no personal e-mails will be made public unless you want them to be.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Update re Vanessa Williams Sperm Donor Film: Retitled "Somebody Like You"
no. 325
As previously discussed, back on 6/28/06 and 6/27/06, the plot of the film is that Williams seeks out the sperm donor that she used to create her child but is unhappy to find out who and what he really is (and no he is not Ted Danson from "Made in America").
Anyhow for anybody looking to find this film when it is eventually released it has changed it's title from "Who Needs 'Em" (assuming this was a reference to men in general and the donor in particular) to "Somebody Like You" (assuming this refers to a character which is the Williams love interest.
Updates as they come out will be probbaly posted on the IMDB site and this Yahoo site.
As previously discussed, back on 6/28/06 and 6/27/06, the plot of the film is that Williams seeks out the sperm donor that she used to create her child but is unhappy to find out who and what he really is (and no he is not Ted Danson from "Made in America").
Anyhow for anybody looking to find this film when it is eventually released it has changed it's title from "Who Needs 'Em" (assuming this was a reference to men in general and the donor in particular) to "Somebody Like You" (assuming this refers to a character which is the Williams love interest.
Updates as they come out will be probbaly posted on the IMDB site and this Yahoo site.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
"I Want Daddy"
no. 324
My kids are truly mine and my daughter is very much daddy's girl. Everytime she starts crying about something or another she automatically comes to me for encouragement, comfort or for an answer her mother did not give her.
On the other gand sometimes her crying out for her daddy makes me feel like she knows I am not her biological father and she is crying for him. Last night she came down with what is her very first fever, which is amazing since she's over 2.5 years old. But when she woke up at one point she was screaming that she wanted her daddy and I was right there. No matter how many times we tried to tell her I was there she kept crying out for her daddy.
This happened again tonight when we were giving her a bath to try to bring the fever down. It took several minutes for us to calm her down and again I had these feelings like she knows. I feel every inch her daddy and know I am but sometimes your mind plays tricks on you and when you see your child in pain and you cannot do much to stop it you feel helpless. Gotta run as she just woke up.
My kids are truly mine and my daughter is very much daddy's girl. Everytime she starts crying about something or another she automatically comes to me for encouragement, comfort or for an answer her mother did not give her.
On the other gand sometimes her crying out for her daddy makes me feel like she knows I am not her biological father and she is crying for him. Last night she came down with what is her very first fever, which is amazing since she's over 2.5 years old. But when she woke up at one point she was screaming that she wanted her daddy and I was right there. No matter how many times we tried to tell her I was there she kept crying out for her daddy.
This happened again tonight when we were giving her a bath to try to bring the fever down. It took several minutes for us to calm her down and again I had these feelings like she knows. I feel every inch her daddy and know I am but sometimes your mind plays tricks on you and when you see your child in pain and you cannot do much to stop it you feel helpless. Gotta run as she just woke up.
Monday, January 08, 2007
"Embryo" Bank Stirs Ethics Fears
no. 323
On Saturday, January 6, 2006, Washington Post ran a story regarding the Abraham Center of Life, based out of San Antonio, TX, discussing the Center's advertising that they are offering the world's "First Human Embryo Bank" for couples dealing with infertility issues. Articles regarding this facility have popped up now and again and it is no surprise that with the last few weeks worth of Katrina Clark stories, Mary Cheney stories, and cloned food stories that this one is trotted out again.
The reporter, Rob Stein, hits all the relevant issues and does note that ethically the service provided is similar to what is currently available in that couples or individuals can now arrange for donor sperm and donor eggs separately and that ethically that has not amounted to the same level of interest that the Abraham Center engenders.
My only comments are, echoing again the authors, that where an individual / couple arrange for DI and DE they are the ones choosing the combination as opposed to the Abraham Center making the choice for commercial reasons as to what combinations they believe individuals / couples woud want. While it is clear that when individuals make the choice they are doing so for their own personal reasons here it does begin to make the line grayer than it already is.
Perhaps I am misunderstanding the service provided by the Abraham Center but so far this is my understanding of what it means to offer the World's First Human Embryo Bank. A copy of the Post article will be posted in the Annex to this blog.
On Saturday, January 6, 2006, Washington Post ran a story regarding the Abraham Center of Life, based out of San Antonio, TX, discussing the Center's advertising that they are offering the world's "First Human Embryo Bank" for couples dealing with infertility issues. Articles regarding this facility have popped up now and again and it is no surprise that with the last few weeks worth of Katrina Clark stories, Mary Cheney stories, and cloned food stories that this one is trotted out again.
The reporter, Rob Stein, hits all the relevant issues and does note that ethically the service provided is similar to what is currently available in that couples or individuals can now arrange for donor sperm and donor eggs separately and that ethically that has not amounted to the same level of interest that the Abraham Center engenders.
My only comments are, echoing again the authors, that where an individual / couple arrange for DI and DE they are the ones choosing the combination as opposed to the Abraham Center making the choice for commercial reasons as to what combinations they believe individuals / couples woud want. While it is clear that when individuals make the choice they are doing so for their own personal reasons here it does begin to make the line grayer than it already is.
Perhaps I am misunderstanding the service provided by the Abraham Center but so far this is my understanding of what it means to offer the World's First Human Embryo Bank. A copy of the Post article will be posted in the Annex to this blog.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
New Blog: Donor Conception New York
no. 322
I have come to the conclusion that one of my goals to start a national US based organization that would loosely act as an alliance of the various US donor conception related organizations is not happening and to be honest would unnecessarily try to duplicate what already exists, the DSR. It is our national organization in the US even if it is a different kind or organization.
What I am now going to attempt is start a local, grass roots group right here in New York City for NYC families looking to meet up (yes in person) with other families created via donor conception. I will admit the genesis for this idea is selfish. I think my kids would benefit long term from physically knowing other kids like themselves that later they can turn to as friends for all the things friends do as well at times when they need to gripe, share, question their personal stories.
I also think it would be helpful for me as a parent to face to face be able to on a periodic basis talk to another parent in person about DC related matters. So if you know folks here in NYC that might share these goals or desires send them my way at the new blog (linked through the post title) which may in time grow into something more...personal friendships
I have come to the conclusion that one of my goals to start a national US based organization that would loosely act as an alliance of the various US donor conception related organizations is not happening and to be honest would unnecessarily try to duplicate what already exists, the DSR. It is our national organization in the US even if it is a different kind or organization.
What I am now going to attempt is start a local, grass roots group right here in New York City for NYC families looking to meet up (yes in person) with other families created via donor conception. I will admit the genesis for this idea is selfish. I think my kids would benefit long term from physically knowing other kids like themselves that later they can turn to as friends for all the things friends do as well at times when they need to gripe, share, question their personal stories.
I also think it would be helpful for me as a parent to face to face be able to on a periodic basis talk to another parent in person about DC related matters. So if you know folks here in NYC that might share these goals or desires send them my way at the new blog (linked through the post title) which may in time grow into something more...personal friendships
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Known Donor vs. Anonymous - A Discussion on Salon.com
no. 321
Currently there are about 80 plus comments posted onto a Salon.com article where one half of a lesbian couple wrote in requesting donor advice from one of the resident correspondents.
The requesting woman thinks she wants a known donor where her partner believes an anonymous donor is safer for various reasons including parenting roles, custody etc.
The discussion that arises throughout the 80 plus and growing comments is quite interesting. Not many hetero responses beyond my own but the level of discussion is enlightening.
Currently there are about 80 plus comments posted onto a Salon.com article where one half of a lesbian couple wrote in requesting donor advice from one of the resident correspondents.
The requesting woman thinks she wants a known donor where her partner believes an anonymous donor is safer for various reasons including parenting roles, custody etc.
The discussion that arises throughout the 80 plus and growing comments is quite interesting. Not many hetero responses beyond my own but the level of discussion is enlightening.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Sperm Storage Fees: The Annual Question
no. 320
It's late December again and we received the addendum to our storage agreement asking us to determine if we want to continue to store the unused vials of the donor's sperm. I last spoke about this in September 2005. We still don't know what to do.
A week does not go by that my wife doesn't comment that she wants another baby. I actually want more children as well. But financially it would not be easy or even fair to our existing kids to have another child considering our current liabilities. Living here in NYC is not cheap and for all I know our kids may to attend private school based on the condition of the local grade school (but that is another story).
Part of me wants to keep the vials for us. Part of me wants to keep them for another family that has already used our donor for one child but who do not have more vials to create a sibling. My wife has suggested we destroy them but I am not yet at that point. Certainly with storage fees at approximately $350 / year we can't keep the vials indefinitely.
I liked the idea of sending one vial for testing but that did not seem so cheap either although it would be a single one time fee and would perhaps shed more light on the donor and what genes may have been passed on to my kids.
I don't know what to do. We have to decide in a few weeks. My wife actually suggested last night that we sell them back to the cryobank so we can get some money back and if there were other families interested in this donor they'd have the ability to use him now. He was one of the few Jewish donors at that bank.
At this point I am betting another $350 will be charged to my credit card with no decision really being made. See you in another year when I bring this up again.
It's late December again and we received the addendum to our storage agreement asking us to determine if we want to continue to store the unused vials of the donor's sperm. I last spoke about this in September 2005. We still don't know what to do.
A week does not go by that my wife doesn't comment that she wants another baby. I actually want more children as well. But financially it would not be easy or even fair to our existing kids to have another child considering our current liabilities. Living here in NYC is not cheap and for all I know our kids may to attend private school based on the condition of the local grade school (but that is another story).
Part of me wants to keep the vials for us. Part of me wants to keep them for another family that has already used our donor for one child but who do not have more vials to create a sibling. My wife has suggested we destroy them but I am not yet at that point. Certainly with storage fees at approximately $350 / year we can't keep the vials indefinitely.
I liked the idea of sending one vial for testing but that did not seem so cheap either although it would be a single one time fee and would perhaps shed more light on the donor and what genes may have been passed on to my kids.
I don't know what to do. We have to decide in a few weeks. My wife actually suggested last night that we sell them back to the cryobank so we can get some money back and if there were other families interested in this donor they'd have the ability to use him now. He was one of the few Jewish donors at that bank.
At this point I am betting another $350 will be charged to my credit card with no decision really being made. See you in another year when I bring this up again.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
The Voices of Donor Conception Book is Now Available
no. 319The first book in the Voices of Donor Conception book series has been published. I am now a published essayist.
It's kind of strange to see my words in print in a real book. Seeing my writing here on the screen seems normal after publishing several websites and blogs over the years but a real book is pretty cool.
The book, titled "Behind Closed Doors: Moving Beyond Secrecy and Shame" includes essays by donor conceived individuals including Ryan Kramer, Rebecca Hamilton, and Karen from Whose Daughter. Kirk Maxie contributed an essay about his experiences as a donor. And Wendy Kramer (Donor Sibling Registry) and Olivia Montuschi (Donor Conception Network) contributed as biological parents and as individuals with vast experience on the topics they each discuss.
The book has a companion website where individuals can contribute their reactions, their own stories and read what others have to say about the essays in the book. There is also a Yahoo discussion group created to encourage two way discussion on the topics discussed in the book and in general.
Mikki Morrissette is the editor of the book and contributes her own essays to open and close this volume of the series. Mikki is also the author of Choosing Single Motherhood.
The book only arrived last night by mail so I have not yet read through it all but already I believe it to be an important book to see various sides of the issues written in the first person presented together.
I recently purchased another book titled "Who Am I ? Experiences of Donor Conception" which only presented the view of three different donor conveived individuals. I have not received it. It will be interesting to read both books to compare and contrast the experiences and thoughts discussed.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
One DI Related Column - Many Shadings
no. 318
During the past week Ellen Goodman of the Washington Post Writers Group published her syndicated column which included a piece which focused partially on donor conception and which began by looking at the Mary Cheney - Heather Poe pregnancy which supposedly was conceived using anonymous donor sperm. What I find amazing is how the editors of the papers running this column all shade and color the story by their choice of column titles.
Now as I always wonder would this story have been raised to this level if the Vice President had a son who together with his wife chose to use DI? Who am I kidding we would never have known unless that son and his wife were brave enough to be public about it.
If anybody found another version of the Goodman column not mentioned below please let me know in the comments section. I am sure Ms. Goodman is syndicated in more papers than I have included below.
Arizona Daily Star - 12/22/2006
"Figure in the father factor"
The Boston Globe - 12/22/2006
"Looking for Mr. Right donor"
The Seattle Times - 12/22/2006
"Sperm donors are still biological dads"
Lawrence Journal World - 12/23/2006
"Whose your daddy? Children have the right to know"
Utica Observer Dispatch - 12/24/2006
"Donation isn't enough for the child created"
The Topeka Capital - Journal - 12/24/2006
"Cheney pregnancy raises disclosure expectations"
Kansas City Star - 12/24/2006
"However it arrives, one person's DNA is another person's 'dad'"
Pioneer Press (Twin Cities) - 12/24/2006
"Mary's having a baby"
The Buffalo News - 12/25/2006
"There are consequences with 'donor dads'"
The Baxter Bulletin online - 12/26/2006
During the past week Ellen Goodman of the Washington Post Writers Group published her syndicated column which included a piece which focused partially on donor conception and which began by looking at the Mary Cheney - Heather Poe pregnancy which supposedly was conceived using anonymous donor sperm. What I find amazing is how the editors of the papers running this column all shade and color the story by their choice of column titles.
Now as I always wonder would this story have been raised to this level if the Vice President had a son who together with his wife chose to use DI? Who am I kidding we would never have known unless that son and his wife were brave enough to be public about it.
If anybody found another version of the Goodman column not mentioned below please let me know in the comments section. I am sure Ms. Goodman is syndicated in more papers than I have included below.
TruthDig - 12/20/2006
"Who's Your Daddy?"
postwritersgroup.com - 12/21/2006
postwritersgroup.com - 12/21/2006
Concord Monitor - 12/21/2006
"Figure in the father factor"
The Boston Globe - 12/22/2006
"Looking for Mr. Right donor"
The Seattle Times - 12/22/2006
"Sperm donors are still biological dads"
Lawrence Journal World - 12/23/2006
"Whose your daddy? Children have the right to know"
Utica Observer Dispatch - 12/24/2006
"Donation isn't enough for the child created"
The Topeka Capital - Journal - 12/24/2006
"Cheney pregnancy raises disclosure expectations"
Kansas City Star - 12/24/2006
"However it arrives, one person's DNA is another person's 'dad'"
Pioneer Press (Twin Cities) - 12/24/2006
"Mary's having a baby"
The Buffalo News - 12/25/2006
Indianapolis Star - 12/25/2006
"There are consequences with 'donor dads'"
The Baxter Bulletin online - 12/26/2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Not Much to Say About Donor Insemination at the Moment
no. 317
This past week I don't have much to say on the topic of donor insemination or about my role as the dad to two kids conveived via DI.
I have been having fun attending classroom holiday parties and being exhausted from just being around them. How stay at home parents do this I have no clue.
But other than reading some of the articles coming out here and there I just don't have much to say. Perhaps it's end of year burn out. Perhaps I am just burned out I am not sure. My wife still gets on my case to put this blog to bed but I am not ready to do that by any means. But I would expect to hear less from me over the next week or two while I recharge.
And yes I am still trying to get myself to write the Telling post for Mel's blog and I am excited about the IIFF (noted in the post below) but unsure how to approach it..
Happy Holidays to the few folks that visit here on a regular basis and also to those of you that have just found this old blog. Don't worry I am not done.
This past week I don't have much to say on the topic of donor insemination or about my role as the dad to two kids conveived via DI.
I have been having fun attending classroom holiday parties and being exhausted from just being around them. How stay at home parents do this I have no clue.
But other than reading some of the articles coming out here and there I just don't have much to say. Perhaps it's end of year burn out. Perhaps I am just burned out I am not sure. My wife still gets on my case to put this blog to bed but I am not ready to do that by any means. But I would expect to hear less from me over the next week or two while I recharge.
And yes I am still trying to get myself to write the Telling post for Mel's blog and I am excited about the IIFF (noted in the post below) but unsure how to approach it..
Happy Holidays to the few folks that visit here on a regular basis and also to those of you that have just found this old blog. Don't worry I am not done.
International Infertility Film Festival
no. 316
Bea from Infertile Fantasies has launched the First International Infertilty Film Festival. In short the Festival will be held on March 31, 2007. Basically the concept is for participants to submit film shorts about any stage related to their infertility, pre, TTC, or post. Visit the site linked above (through this post title) to learn more.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Washington Post: Donor Conception Articles
no. 315
In addition to the Sperm Donor article the Washington Post is running two other articles in tomorrow's paper regarding donor conception:
The first article is from a donor-conceived person who found her donor titled:
"My Father Was an Anonymous Sperm Donor"
By Katrina Clark
Washington Post
Sunday, December 17, 2006; Page B01
A full copy of this article can also be found in this blog's Annex.
The second article starts out discussing Mary Cheney, the vice-president's lesbian daughter, who is expecting but launches into a full discussion about donor conception:
"It's All in the Genes, Except When It Isn't"
By Liza Mundy
Washington Post
Sunday, December 17, 2006; Page B01
In addition to the Sperm Donor article the Washington Post is running two other articles in tomorrow's paper regarding donor conception:
The first article is from a donor-conceived person who found her donor titled:
"My Father Was an Anonymous Sperm Donor"
By Katrina Clark
Washington Post
Sunday, December 17, 2006; Page B01
A full copy of this article can also be found in this blog's Annex.
The second article starts out discussing Mary Cheney, the vice-president's lesbian daughter, who is expecting but launches into a full discussion about donor conception:
"It's All in the Genes, Except When It Isn't"
By Liza Mundy
Washington Post
Sunday, December 17, 2006; Page B01
A Known Donor Who Is a Dad
no. 314
In tomorrow's Washington Post (December 17, 2006) is an article written by a man who is a father and dad to two children via a known donor arrangement. I use the terms father and dad as it's quite clear that this man while biologicaly the father also chose to be a dad with the blessing of the lesbian couple who asked him to be their donor. The children look upon him as their dad despite the fact that he does not live with them or have any parental rights as he gave these up.
Growing up these kids will never have any of the issues most DI kids or families have to address. Yes, it will be obvious that two moms needed outside help but that help is only a phone call away for the identity and medical issues. No feelings of stress telling family members or resentment. In fact these kids get three parents for the price of two. Sure dad does not custody or rights but the kids will probably pull him into the picture more and more as life advances for them.
Again not your typical DI story. Certainly not our story.
In tomorrow's Washington Post (December 17, 2006) is an article written by a man who is a father and dad to two children via a known donor arrangement. I use the terms father and dad as it's quite clear that this man while biologicaly the father also chose to be a dad with the blessing of the lesbian couple who asked him to be their donor. The children look upon him as their dad despite the fact that he does not live with them or have any parental rights as he gave these up.
Growing up these kids will never have any of the issues most DI kids or families have to address. Yes, it will be obvious that two moms needed outside help but that help is only a phone call away for the identity and medical issues. No feelings of stress telling family members or resentment. In fact these kids get three parents for the price of two. Sure dad does not custody or rights but the kids will probably pull him into the picture more and more as life advances for them.
Again not your typical DI story. Certainly not our story.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Are Heterosexual Couples Using DI? Not According to the Press
no. 313
My nightly online ritual not only includes visiting the Donor Sibling Registry to check for any new half siblings but to check Google for any new news articles regarding donor conception. Sometimes it feels like opposite sex couples (let me use that retro term Heterosexual) must not be using donor insemination.
Rarely a day goes by that I don't see a story or two addressing DI through a story about lesbian couples using DI (articles re gay men and surrogacy and DE are less frequent). Not that there's anything wrong with that (sorry could not resist a bit of Seinfeld).... as this segment of society for too long has had their rights curtailed unfairly.
What bothers me is that the story should be addressed from our point of view as well. Maybe this should not bother me.
Some would say that the lack of stories would indicate that DI among heterosexuals has become more accepted. But I don't think this is the case and if it was we'd have an easier time getting the next level of discussion out in respect to better regulation and reform within the industry.
Putting this aside the stories of the day are:
"US Experiences Lesbian Baby Boom"
Easier Lifestyle
December 15,2006
"Nation's Only Lesbian Sperm Bank Records 2,000th Birth"
eMediaWire
December 15, 2006
"Full parental rights for gay couples"
TimesOnline.co.uk
December 15, 2006
My nightly online ritual not only includes visiting the Donor Sibling Registry to check for any new half siblings but to check Google for any new news articles regarding donor conception. Sometimes it feels like opposite sex couples (let me use that retro term Heterosexual) must not be using donor insemination.
Rarely a day goes by that I don't see a story or two addressing DI through a story about lesbian couples using DI (articles re gay men and surrogacy and DE are less frequent). Not that there's anything wrong with that (sorry could not resist a bit of Seinfeld).... as this segment of society for too long has had their rights curtailed unfairly.
What bothers me is that the story should be addressed from our point of view as well. Maybe this should not bother me.
Some would say that the lack of stories would indicate that DI among heterosexuals has become more accepted. But I don't think this is the case and if it was we'd have an easier time getting the next level of discussion out in respect to better regulation and reform within the industry.
Putting this aside the stories of the day are:
"US Experiences Lesbian Baby Boom"
Easier Lifestyle
December 15,2006
"Nation's Only Lesbian Sperm Bank Records 2,000th Birth"
eMediaWire
December 15, 2006
"Full parental rights for gay couples"
TimesOnline.co.uk
December 15, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
How to Write About "How to Tell About Donor Conception"
no. 312
Mel over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters asked me to write an article / post about how to tell a donor conceived individual about their donor conception story. I have begun writing it but have come to the conclusion that I should not try to reinvent the wheel. What I intend to do at this point is combine my own thoughts with a travelogue to the best sites out there where this same issue has been addressed by the experts (and my thoughts on these sites).
The article would be part of a series of articles, "write ups" as Mel terms them, compliled on her web site under the heading Operation Heads Up which will include write ups about common procedures, medications, tests, and diagnoses associated with infertility. The series is also directly related to the site's Peer Infertility Counselor listing. This group is comprised of individuals who all have experience in their area of expertise and who have agreed to try an answer what questions that come their way. In many cases these same indioviduals wrote the related Operation Heads Up article.
DI Mom wrote a piece about choosing a sperm donor and I thought she did a pretty good job with the topic. I only hope I can draft an appropriate article on "Telling".
Mel over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters asked me to write an article / post about how to tell a donor conceived individual about their donor conception story. I have begun writing it but have come to the conclusion that I should not try to reinvent the wheel. What I intend to do at this point is combine my own thoughts with a travelogue to the best sites out there where this same issue has been addressed by the experts (and my thoughts on these sites).
The article would be part of a series of articles, "write ups" as Mel terms them, compliled on her web site under the heading Operation Heads Up which will include write ups about common procedures, medications, tests, and diagnoses associated with infertility. The series is also directly related to the site's Peer Infertility Counselor listing. This group is comprised of individuals who all have experience in their area of expertise and who have agreed to try an answer what questions that come their way. In many cases these same indioviduals wrote the related Operation Heads Up article.
DI Mom wrote a piece about choosing a sperm donor and I thought she did a pretty good job with the topic. I only hope I can draft an appropriate article on "Telling".
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Usage of DI Images
no. 311
The above image is of a poster from a campaign to help men take a more active and compassionate role in their children's lives. Specifically it is aimed at men who are biologically connected to their children but who apparantly may be abusive towards their children. It was interesting to see the image and how it was being used to make these men aware that unless they are involved in a positive manner they are nothing more than sperm donors to their own kids. Note the tone and content of the words describing the "dad".
Monday, December 11, 2006
My Position On and Purpose Regarding Donor Conception
no. 310
A few posts below, # 307, I offered congratulations to Mary Cheney and her partner on the news that Mary Cheney is pregnant. Based on that message I have been asked, within the comments to post # 307, what my "true" position is regarding Donor Conception. I was asked this in the context of how I could congratulate a couple who have used DI and also have been "deeply moved" by the stories of donor conceived adults who have felt true pain and sorrow at not knowing the truth of their past. In short I am being asked to explain this "inconsistency" as otherwise I must be a "hypocrite". My response to Michael / BioDad was that I would not continue the discussion left for me there on the topic. I changed my mind.
What I find interesting about this and why I am posting this today is that I don't recall ever stating that I am anti - donor conception. On the contrary I believe I my position has always been that this is an area of personal choice which must be made with as much information as possible including the knowledge that for some donor conceived adults the knowledge of their lost past and connection to their biological parent may bring with it sorrow and/or pain. This may sound like my position is anti-donor conception but in my mind it is not.
My whole point in continuing this blog and my involvement in the DC community is to learn as much as I can in order to be prepared if indeed my children do exhibit any sorrow or feelings of loss so I can help them in any way I can. My purpose is to let them know their story and answer their questions along the way. I don't expect to be defending to them why we used DI but to be there for them as they process the results.
My goals also include educating other parents who have used DI to encourage them to bring their story out in the open with their children as all secrets eventually are discovered and it is far better to open and honest than secretive and ashamed.
A few posts below, # 307, I offered congratulations to Mary Cheney and her partner on the news that Mary Cheney is pregnant. Based on that message I have been asked, within the comments to post # 307, what my "true" position is regarding Donor Conception. I was asked this in the context of how I could congratulate a couple who have used DI and also have been "deeply moved" by the stories of donor conceived adults who have felt true pain and sorrow at not knowing the truth of their past. In short I am being asked to explain this "inconsistency" as otherwise I must be a "hypocrite". My response to Michael / BioDad was that I would not continue the discussion left for me there on the topic. I changed my mind.
What I find interesting about this and why I am posting this today is that I don't recall ever stating that I am anti - donor conception. On the contrary I believe I my position has always been that this is an area of personal choice which must be made with as much information as possible including the knowledge that for some donor conceived adults the knowledge of their lost past and connection to their biological parent may bring with it sorrow and/or pain. This may sound like my position is anti-donor conception but in my mind it is not.
My whole point in continuing this blog and my involvement in the DC community is to learn as much as I can in order to be prepared if indeed my children do exhibit any sorrow or feelings of loss so I can help them in any way I can. My purpose is to let them know their story and answer their questions along the way. I don't expect to be defending to them why we used DI but to be there for them as they process the results.
My goals also include educating other parents who have used DI to encourage them to bring their story out in the open with their children as all secrets eventually are discovered and it is far better to open and honest than secretive and ashamed.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Mandating Personal Moral Decisions as Law
no. 309
In today's on-line issue of the UK "Daily Mail" there is a report that it is a possibilty that female patients receiving IVF treatments (from what I assume to be state sponsored clinics) will no longer be required to demonstrate to the doctor that the patient has taken into account a child's need for a father figure. The full article is linked via the above post title.
As an American, who does not rely on socialized medicine the concept of proving one's intent or belief's to my physician is totally foreign to me. Yes I believe that if laws exist that qualify whether state monies can be used for specific procedures those laws must be respected. But if I disagree with those laws it is my right to vote for a legislator that shares my views with the hope of changing the offending law.
In my opinion there are certain choices of family lifestyle that are personal and I have no right to tell a person how to live. My blog is written to provide information on many sides of the DC debate. I made with my wife a choice and I support others to make their own choices. I only hope their choices are made with as much information as possible.
In today's on-line issue of the UK "Daily Mail" there is a report that it is a possibilty that female patients receiving IVF treatments (from what I assume to be state sponsored clinics) will no longer be required to demonstrate to the doctor that the patient has taken into account a child's need for a father figure. The full article is linked via the above post title.
As an American, who does not rely on socialized medicine the concept of proving one's intent or belief's to my physician is totally foreign to me. Yes I believe that if laws exist that qualify whether state monies can be used for specific procedures those laws must be respected. But if I disagree with those laws it is my right to vote for a legislator that shares my views with the hope of changing the offending law.
In my opinion there are certain choices of family lifestyle that are personal and I have no right to tell a person how to live. My blog is written to provide information on many sides of the DC debate. I made with my wife a choice and I support others to make their own choices. I only hope their choices are made with as much information as possible.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Voices of Donor Conception: New Book Series
no. 308Voices of Donor Conception
Behind Closed Doors: Moving Beyond Secrecy and Shame
As stated on the book's website:
The first volume in this revolutionary collection of real stories about people affected by the donor conception industry is now available for purchase.Volume 1, Behind Closed Doors: Moving Beyond Secrecy and Shame, includes first-person essays designed to take some of the stigma out of donor conception and enable more open conversation for families affected by donor insemination.
Essays include:
>the honest fears of an infertile father (THIS IS ME !!!);
>the motivations and concerns of a sperm donor who is in contact with one of his adult offspring;
the insight and advice of two experts (Wendy Kramer and Olivia Montuschi) who have had contact with thousands of families affected by donor conception;
the insight and advice of two experts (Wendy Kramer and Olivia Montuschi) who have had contact with thousands of families affected by donor conception;
>three donor-conceived grown-ups, reflecting on the effects of their origins, as well as on the misperceptions of what it means to them; ( I believe one of the three individuals is Karen frpm Whose Daughter).
>specific recommendations--some controversial--for change within the industry.
The goal of the series is to open new pathways of communication and develop a wider range of print and online resources for parents, offspring, donors, industry representatives, legislators, bioethicists, mental health professionals, and others interested in humanizing the approach to reproductive technology.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Mary Cheney's DI Baby - Who's the Father ?
no. 307
I was recently asked if anyone knew of celebrities who have used DI to create their families. The only male celebrity I knew of that publicly acknowledged his infertility was Tom Arnold. I have no idea if he has kids to be honest much less if they were donor conceived.
Apparently the newest political jokes involve Vice President Cheney's daughter becomming pregnant via donor insemination and the shame (in the eyes of others) it has brought her parents. Reportedly the VP and his wife are looking forward to the birth of this grandchild. For those of you who care and are not aware Mary Cheney is a lesbian and in a commited relationship with her partner who under VA law will have no legal relationship to the child.
Back to the joke reference. Up until now celebrity news re DI focused on David Crosby being the biological father to Melissa Etheridge's child. But now people are joking who the bio father could be of Mary Cheney's child. No news has come out yet whether they selected a known donor or an anonymous one but I am sure the press will soon dig up this personal fact and let us all know in the interests of national security.
In all seriousness congratulations to the parents to be.
I was recently asked if anyone knew of celebrities who have used DI to create their families. The only male celebrity I knew of that publicly acknowledged his infertility was Tom Arnold. I have no idea if he has kids to be honest much less if they were donor conceived.
Apparently the newest political jokes involve Vice President Cheney's daughter becomming pregnant via donor insemination and the shame (in the eyes of others) it has brought her parents. Reportedly the VP and his wife are looking forward to the birth of this grandchild. For those of you who care and are not aware Mary Cheney is a lesbian and in a commited relationship with her partner who under VA law will have no legal relationship to the child.
Back to the joke reference. Up until now celebrity news re DI focused on David Crosby being the biological father to Melissa Etheridge's child. But now people are joking who the bio father could be of Mary Cheney's child. No news has come out yet whether they selected a known donor or an anonymous one but I am sure the press will soon dig up this personal fact and let us all know in the interests of national security.
In all seriousness congratulations to the parents to be.
Donor Conception Among The Ten Trends That Will Shape Our World in 2007
no. 306
"NEW YORK, Dec. 7 /PRNewswire/ -- JWT, the largest advertising agency in the U.S. and the fourth largest in the world, announces the top 10 trends for 2007, in conjunction with the release of Next Now: Trends for the Future, co- written by Marian Salzman, executive vice president and chief marketing officer. The book is due out December 26 from Palgrave Macmillan.
Including
(2) New Ties That Bind - Watch as our definition of family continues to broaden and evolve while dating takes a turn toward the traditional. Today, the family circle may include a child born from donor insemination and his/her half- siblings scattered across the country, found through online registries....."
Simply amazing.....
"NEW YORK, Dec. 7 /PRNewswire/ -- JWT, the largest advertising agency in the U.S. and the fourth largest in the world, announces the top 10 trends for 2007, in conjunction with the release of Next Now: Trends for the Future, co- written by Marian Salzman, executive vice president and chief marketing officer. The book is due out December 26 from Palgrave Macmillan.
Including
(2) New Ties That Bind - Watch as our definition of family continues to broaden and evolve while dating takes a turn toward the traditional. Today, the family circle may include a child born from donor insemination and his/her half- siblings scattered across the country, found through online registries....."
Simply amazing.....
Blogging in Beta: Why I Made the Switch
no. 305
Ok, I made the switch. As a reader I don't think you will see many changes in the format of the blog except for one change I was waiting for: the ability to add labels or categories to each of my posts.
The only downside is that changing the format automatically removed the team members from the DI Dads Speak Out blog. For each to re-join they have to change their blog or account over to a google or blogger beta format. I hope this is not too much to ask for the labelling ability.
Hopefully this was the right decision.
Ok, I made the switch. As a reader I don't think you will see many changes in the format of the blog except for one change I was waiting for: the ability to add labels or categories to each of my posts.
The only downside is that changing the format automatically removed the team members from the DI Dads Speak Out blog. For each to re-join they have to change their blog or account over to a google or blogger beta format. I hope this is not too much to ask for the labelling ability.
Hopefully this was the right decision.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Wanting Babies Like Themselves, Some Parents Choose Genetic Defects
no. 304
The title of this post is that of an essay published in today's New York Times. A copy of the full text of the essay is available through the post title on this blog's Annex. The essay's title could very easily describe in some manner how many familes choose their sperm or egg donor. Perhaps we would not use the term defect but the concept is the same.
True most families choosing donor conception probably start out joking that this opportunity gives them the ability to improve the gene pool. This was true in our own case but to be honest the donor we chose in the end had as many medical conditions in his past as did my own family, many the same, according to his and his family's medical profile. So not expecting to my kids genetic medical history ended up mirroring that of my lost biological children. Did we plan on picking these defects? No we did not but others purposefully do so their kids are like themselves for varying reasons discussed in the article.
The essay is not specfically about donor conception but it does discuss a scholarly article to be published in the journal Fertility and Sterility which itself discusses the "use of preimplantation genetic diagnosis, or P.G.D., a process in which embryos are created in a test tube and their DNA is analyzed before being transferred to a woman’s uterus. "
As I mentioned the essay speaks to the issue not of parents screening out disease and disability but using the DNA analysis to ensure or support the desire that the children be like their parents, who may have varying "disabilities". The essayist refers to individuals who "suffer" from dwarfism who would rather have children who are little like them rather than "normal" size kids. Another couple who are both deaf would prefer their child be born similarly deaf rather than a child born with the gift of hearing.
One would say why are these families looking to ensure their kids are handicapped and at a disadvantage. Others woud argue just the opposite. Many in the donor conception community would again argue that the desires of the parents were taken into account first before that of the children "created".
Did we choose traits we wanted? Yes. Did we look at them as defects? No. Would we have used PGD to pick and choose prior to a transfer? I cannot say. At the point we achieved a DI IUI pregnancy we did not want an amnio and we knew whatever child we were given was a gift that we would cherish.
The title of this post is that of an essay published in today's New York Times. A copy of the full text of the essay is available through the post title on this blog's Annex. The essay's title could very easily describe in some manner how many familes choose their sperm or egg donor. Perhaps we would not use the term defect but the concept is the same.
True most families choosing donor conception probably start out joking that this opportunity gives them the ability to improve the gene pool. This was true in our own case but to be honest the donor we chose in the end had as many medical conditions in his past as did my own family, many the same, according to his and his family's medical profile. So not expecting to my kids genetic medical history ended up mirroring that of my lost biological children. Did we plan on picking these defects? No we did not but others purposefully do so their kids are like themselves for varying reasons discussed in the article.
The essay is not specfically about donor conception but it does discuss a scholarly article to be published in the journal Fertility and Sterility which itself discusses the "use of preimplantation genetic diagnosis, or P.G.D., a process in which embryos are created in a test tube and their DNA is analyzed before being transferred to a woman’s uterus. "
As I mentioned the essay speaks to the issue not of parents screening out disease and disability but using the DNA analysis to ensure or support the desire that the children be like their parents, who may have varying "disabilities". The essayist refers to individuals who "suffer" from dwarfism who would rather have children who are little like them rather than "normal" size kids. Another couple who are both deaf would prefer their child be born similarly deaf rather than a child born with the gift of hearing.
One would say why are these families looking to ensure their kids are handicapped and at a disadvantage. Others woud argue just the opposite. Many in the donor conception community would again argue that the desires of the parents were taken into account first before that of the children "created".
Did we choose traits we wanted? Yes. Did we look at them as defects? No. Would we have used PGD to pick and choose prior to a transfer? I cannot say. At the point we achieved a DI IUI pregnancy we did not want an amnio and we knew whatever child we were given was a gift that we would cherish.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Kansas Supreme Court Hears Case of Sperm Donor's Rights
no. 303
The Kansas State Supreme Court heard arguments yesterday regarding the case I described in Post # 298 below. The post title above provides a link to the full text of the AP article regarding the oral arguments.
The plaintiff - donor, is arguing the unconstitutionality of a 1994 law which requires that an agreement have existed mutually acknowledging the donor's rights as father.
The Kansas State Supreme Court heard arguments yesterday regarding the case I described in Post # 298 below. The post title above provides a link to the full text of the AP article regarding the oral arguments.
The plaintiff - donor, is arguing the unconstitutionality of a 1994 law which requires that an agreement have existed mutually acknowledging the donor's rights as father.
Seeing DI Related Illnesses That Aren't There?
no. 302
My four year old son for the last six months has had a recurring eczema problem on one of his arms. It has been mostly limited to a single spot on one arm located right below where the arm bends. We had been treating it with an over the counter cream / ointment that seemed to control it but it really never gets better and the boy doesn't help matters by scratching it. This past week we noticed another spot on the outside of his forearm on the same arm.
After reading too many blogs, including the three Donor 1084 related blogs, I have begun to get paranoid. We didn't use Donor 1084 but because DC / DI / DE issues are continually in my head due to this blog and the yahoo group, paranoia has become too easy.
Of the three known half siblings (my two kids and T) my son is the oldest so I wonder if there is an issue out there (or rather waiting in them) if he would develop it first. By nature throughout my life I am somewhat paranoid and after living through / with infertility for years (it never really goes away - we just side stepped it) you wonder when (not if) the other shoe will fall.
I pray every day these three kids will remain healthy and happy but the fears are never far away so when a little thing like eczema pops up that you know is a real issue out for other DI conceived kids the possibility of an issue becomes real.
My four year old son for the last six months has had a recurring eczema problem on one of his arms. It has been mostly limited to a single spot on one arm located right below where the arm bends. We had been treating it with an over the counter cream / ointment that seemed to control it but it really never gets better and the boy doesn't help matters by scratching it. This past week we noticed another spot on the outside of his forearm on the same arm.
After reading too many blogs, including the three Donor 1084 related blogs, I have begun to get paranoid. We didn't use Donor 1084 but because DC / DI / DE issues are continually in my head due to this blog and the yahoo group, paranoia has become too easy.
Of the three known half siblings (my two kids and T) my son is the oldest so I wonder if there is an issue out there (or rather waiting in them) if he would develop it first. By nature throughout my life I am somewhat paranoid and after living through / with infertility for years (it never really goes away - we just side stepped it) you wonder when (not if) the other shoe will fall.
I pray every day these three kids will remain healthy and happy but the fears are never far away so when a little thing like eczema pops up that you know is a real issue out for other DI conceived kids the possibility of an issue becomes real.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Friday, December 01, 2006
Experimental Kids & The Seminal Search
no. 300
Three Donor Conception related articles:
Experimental Kids
World Magazine
December 9, 2006
Lynn Vincent
"Family: It’s a brave new world of alternative family models, but some “lopsided” children are beginning to speak out about what they missed growing up"
The Seminal Search
The Australian
December 2, 2006
Stephen Lunn
"Children of sperm donors in Australia are searching for their biological fathers, trying to learn more about their genealogical origins."
Lesbian Mother's Custody is Denied
The Philadelphia Enquirer
December 1, 2006
Associated Press
"The county judge had determined that Jones was preferable after comparing the two women's "psychological profiles" and because Boring Jones had tried to cut off Jones' contact with their sons."
"Jones' lawyer, Alphonso B. David, said the ruling demonstrated that custody can be shifted away from biological parents without necessarily having to prove they are unfit."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Neither of the first two articles present anything new from my point of view. The first article presents the experiences of the child of a single mother here in the United States. The second does address children born into a married opposite sex couple. I found this term interesting as I had not seen it written this way before. Both are worth reading.
The third article is to yet another case involving same sex mothers who eventually split and each file for custody. I found it interesting only due to the comment quoted above by the non-bio mother's lawyer.
Three Donor Conception related articles:
Experimental Kids
World Magazine
December 9, 2006
Lynn Vincent
"Family: It’s a brave new world of alternative family models, but some “lopsided” children are beginning to speak out about what they missed growing up"
The Seminal Search
The Australian
December 2, 2006
Stephen Lunn
"Children of sperm donors in Australia are searching for their biological fathers, trying to learn more about their genealogical origins."
Lesbian Mother's Custody is Denied
The Philadelphia Enquirer
December 1, 2006
Associated Press
"The county judge had determined that Jones was preferable after comparing the two women's "psychological profiles" and because Boring Jones had tried to cut off Jones' contact with their sons."
"Jones' lawyer, Alphonso B. David, said the ruling demonstrated that custody can be shifted away from biological parents without necessarily having to prove they are unfit."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Neither of the first two articles present anything new from my point of view. The first article presents the experiences of the child of a single mother here in the United States. The second does address children born into a married opposite sex couple. I found this term interesting as I had not seen it written this way before. Both are worth reading.
The third article is to yet another case involving same sex mothers who eventually split and each file for custody. I found it interesting only due to the comment quoted above by the non-bio mother's lawyer.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Looking in NYC for Donor Conceived Kids for Playdates?
no. 299
Just under three months ago I published a post with this same goal: to locate other donor conceived children in NYC for periodic playdates with my children. I received no responses. It's not to hard to accept that answer as this blog is not widely read as compared to other blogs.
But at the same time this is a city where the population is approximately 8.1 million individuals. Statistically there must be a number of children conceived via donor sperm or donor eggs. Therefore somewhere in this city must be children whose conception story mirrors that of my own kids. I wonder if it will take an ad in the newspapers to find them. I am guessing the ad rates in Metro and amNew York are cheaper than the NY Times. I'd actually start with the tabloid Big Apple Parent I suppose. Or maybe Go City Kids or Time Out New York Kids.
As much as I find posting messages on the Yahoo discussion groups rewarding I'd like to sit in a room and speak live and in person to other parents who are like us. But how do you find a group of married parents who will speak publicly on a topic where the majority of heterosexual couples hide this story?
This could be interesting.
Just under three months ago I published a post with this same goal: to locate other donor conceived children in NYC for periodic playdates with my children. I received no responses. It's not to hard to accept that answer as this blog is not widely read as compared to other blogs.
But at the same time this is a city where the population is approximately 8.1 million individuals. Statistically there must be a number of children conceived via donor sperm or donor eggs. Therefore somewhere in this city must be children whose conception story mirrors that of my own kids. I wonder if it will take an ad in the newspapers to find them. I am guessing the ad rates in Metro and amNew York are cheaper than the NY Times. I'd actually start with the tabloid Big Apple Parent I suppose. Or maybe Go City Kids or Time Out New York Kids.
As much as I find posting messages on the Yahoo discussion groups rewarding I'd like to sit in a room and speak live and in person to other parents who are like us. But how do you find a group of married parents who will speak publicly on a topic where the majority of heterosexual couples hide this story?
This could be interesting.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Kansas Case re Donor Parental Rights
no. 298
This Kansas case will be an interesting one to follow. In short it involves a single woman who used a known donor to conceive her twin children. Immediately following their birth she filed papers so she would be considered the sole parent. Problem was that the donor believed he would have a role as their father and there was nothing memorialized in any agreement protecting his belief.
The case involves a 1994 Kansas law that sperm donors have no parental rights without an agreement. The plaintiff donor's attorneys are arguing the unconstitutionality of that law. Amicus briefs filed on behalf of the defendant mother, lead by Joan Holinger (a UC Berkley law professor) argue that to set aside the 1994 law could result in donors uninterested in being parents to have such responsibilities (financial and otherwise) thrust upon them without such protection.
The case has no applicability to unknown donor arrangements but it has longer range effects regarding the establishment or not of donor parental rights. In our case NYS treats social fathers as the natural father if we are married to the biological mother at the time of a DI child's birth.
A great site with info and links regarding the laws in every US state is the Human Right Campaign Foundation. The links have not been updated in some time (please let them know) but it's a great starting point for info on any state you are researching.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Donor Conceived Blogs - Current Posts 1
no. 297
If I could figure out how to set up autofeeds of various blogs I read on this blog I would create a section where the titles, links, and entry summaries would automaticaly pop up. My thoughts are to highlight, more than I already have, the blogs of donor conceived individuals, DI Moms & Dads and those TTC, and Donors.
Until that point here are the links and current posts from the blogs of a few donor conceived indiduals:
Whose Daughter?
"IVF Youth Experiencing Genetic Anger"
November 23, 2006
Donated Generation
How do I tell MY children??????
November 21, 2006
Who do you think you are? T5's daughter
Apparently he thinks about me too
November 4, 2006
If I could figure out how to set up autofeeds of various blogs I read on this blog I would create a section where the titles, links, and entry summaries would automaticaly pop up. My thoughts are to highlight, more than I already have, the blogs of donor conceived individuals, DI Moms & Dads and those TTC, and Donors.
Until that point here are the links and current posts from the blogs of a few donor conceived indiduals:
Whose Daughter?
"IVF Youth Experiencing Genetic Anger"
November 23, 2006
Donated Generation
How do I tell MY children??????
November 21, 2006
Who do you think you are? T5's daughter
Apparently he thinks about me too
November 4, 2006
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Family Ties & Night Terrors
no. 296
Family Ties
This evening we hosted Thanksgiving dinner at our apartment. In addition to the four of us we also hosted both sets of grandparents. Growing up I only really knew my mom's mother. Her husband passed when I was only eight and by that point they lived in Florida. So grandparents were not an everyday occurence much less thought. My own dad never knew a single grandparent as both his parents emigrated here while each was under 20 years old and the only grandparent that emigrated as well dies two years before his birth.
While sitting on the floor in my son's room my mother-in-law began pointing out how many states her ancestors resided in. My own family, historically, has been pretty much limited to NYS and NJ (although my generation is spread out nationwide) and before that it was Eastern Europe. I often wonder what kind of connection my kids will have to my genetic past.
Night Terrors
My daughter lately has ben prone to sporadic and short night terrors. They may not truly qualify as night terrors. She trashes wildly for anywhere between 5 and 15 minutes calling out for me and nothing seems to calm her down. I try rubbing her back but am pushed away while at the same time she is caling out for me. At those moments I wonder if she knows the truth. I am probably imagining this last thought as all during her waking hours I am currently the center of much of her life.
It's late and I have work in the morning.
Family Ties
This evening we hosted Thanksgiving dinner at our apartment. In addition to the four of us we also hosted both sets of grandparents. Growing up I only really knew my mom's mother. Her husband passed when I was only eight and by that point they lived in Florida. So grandparents were not an everyday occurence much less thought. My own dad never knew a single grandparent as both his parents emigrated here while each was under 20 years old and the only grandparent that emigrated as well dies two years before his birth.
While sitting on the floor in my son's room my mother-in-law began pointing out how many states her ancestors resided in. My own family, historically, has been pretty much limited to NYS and NJ (although my generation is spread out nationwide) and before that it was Eastern Europe. I often wonder what kind of connection my kids will have to my genetic past.
Night Terrors
My daughter lately has ben prone to sporadic and short night terrors. They may not truly qualify as night terrors. She trashes wildly for anywhere between 5 and 15 minutes calling out for me and nothing seems to calm her down. I try rubbing her back but am pushed away while at the same time she is caling out for me. At those moments I wonder if she knows the truth. I am probably imagining this last thought as all during her waking hours I am currently the center of much of her life.
It's late and I have work in the morning.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Yahoo DI Dads Discussion Group Marks 100th Member
no. 295
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/di_dads/
This afternoon I approved the membership request of a gentleman who became the 100th current member of the DI Dads Yahoo discussion group. For a group of 100 men to come together in one forum to discuss an issue as personal as their own infertility is truly amazing. Some members along the way have left for various reasons, so in truth this is probably not the actual 100th approved membership, but it is the first time that the group stands at 100 which is quite cool.
The group was started, in Aug/Sep 2005, by a former sperm donor who saw a need and invited me to join him, with me at first moderating the group and later he ceded ownership of it to me. Today I announced the 100th current member in message post 729 to the group. Thanks Mark for the start.
There have been a few interesting moments regarding the topics of discussion but in all cases the men have been great about opening up and sharing their fears, thoughts, and concerns.
I believe I am actually prouder to be a member of that group than I am of my keeping this blog going for the about the same amount of time. I started here in August 2005 as well.
I am not sure statistically if you can extrapolate how many DI Dads must be out there but if anyone figures it out please let me know.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/di_dads/
This afternoon I approved the membership request of a gentleman who became the 100th current member of the DI Dads Yahoo discussion group. For a group of 100 men to come together in one forum to discuss an issue as personal as their own infertility is truly amazing. Some members along the way have left for various reasons, so in truth this is probably not the actual 100th approved membership, but it is the first time that the group stands at 100 which is quite cool.
The group was started, in Aug/Sep 2005, by a former sperm donor who saw a need and invited me to join him, with me at first moderating the group and later he ceded ownership of it to me. Today I announced the 100th current member in message post 729 to the group. Thanks Mark for the start.
There have been a few interesting moments regarding the topics of discussion but in all cases the men have been great about opening up and sharing their fears, thoughts, and concerns.
I believe I am actually prouder to be a member of that group than I am of my keeping this blog going for the about the same amount of time. I started here in August 2005 as well.
I am not sure statistically if you can extrapolate how many DI Dads must be out there but if anyone figures it out please let me know.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Who'll Say Kaddish for This DI Dad?
no. 294
Recently while googling "religion and donor conception" I found an interesting site that analyzed donor conception under Halakhah (traditional Jewish law and ethics) and also compared the analysis to a paper published in 1990 by the Ethics Committee of the American Fertility Society1 published in reaction to the Roman Catholic Instruction on Respect for Human Life and the Dignity of Procreation.2
What struck me hard was a one line sentence at the end of a short paragraph in the midst of the website which stated:
Halakhah, too, knows of no legal procedure by which a genetically unrelated person can be considered the full legal father of a child. The sperm recipient's husband, by virtue of his consent to the donation, might have assumed those legal obligations to support and educate the child that usually evolve only on the natural parent. However, when the husband dies, he is assumed to be halakhically childless with regard to inheritance and other religious issues.
Now I should not have been surprised by this statement as I already knew most interpretations of Jewish law on the topic only looked at me as the guardian of my kids but something about the starkness of this statement hit me hard.
I am probably screwing this up but here goes. Years ago when I used to go daily to morning prayers I read something about the Mourner's Kaddish that said unless the child of the decedent says Kaddish the decedent does not pass through onto heaven.
A friend told me that there are specific rules when the child is adopted which may apply in this case but I have yet to find them. Does this mean I need to adopt my children under Halakah?
How will my children feel if at my death a Rabbi tells them they are not allowed to say Kaddish for me? I can't imagine being told you can't do something that is integral to what we know as part of the mourning process.
The Kaddish is one of the most basic prayers in Judaism and one repeated in various forms including that of the Mourner’s Kaddish. Somehow I all of sudden felt cut off from my children and from a future (even one after death). Now don’t get me wrong I am not “observant” in the true sense of the word but my religion is a big part of me.
But this statement more than many I have read before it hit me hard.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donor Gametes for Assisted Reproduction in Contemporary Jewish Law and Ethics
Richard V. Grazi, MD, Division of Reproductive Endocrinology, Maimonides Medical Center, Brooklyn, New York 11219,Joel B. Wolowelsky, PhD, Department of Jewish Philosophy, Yeshivah of Flatbush, Brooklyn, New York 11230
Assisted Reproduction Reviews 2:3 (1992)
Notes:
1. Ethics Committee of the American Fertility Society, Ethical Considerations of the New Reproductive Technologies, Fertil Steril. 53:6 Suppl 2 (1990).
2. Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Instruction on Respect for Human Life in its Origin and on the Dignity of Procreation, Vatican Press, 1987.
Recently while googling "religion and donor conception" I found an interesting site that analyzed donor conception under Halakhah (traditional Jewish law and ethics) and also compared the analysis to a paper published in 1990 by the Ethics Committee of the American Fertility Society1 published in reaction to the Roman Catholic Instruction on Respect for Human Life and the Dignity of Procreation.2
What struck me hard was a one line sentence at the end of a short paragraph in the midst of the website which stated:
Halakhah, too, knows of no legal procedure by which a genetically unrelated person can be considered the full legal father of a child. The sperm recipient's husband, by virtue of his consent to the donation, might have assumed those legal obligations to support and educate the child that usually evolve only on the natural parent. However, when the husband dies, he is assumed to be halakhically childless with regard to inheritance and other religious issues.
Now I should not have been surprised by this statement as I already knew most interpretations of Jewish law on the topic only looked at me as the guardian of my kids but something about the starkness of this statement hit me hard.
I am probably screwing this up but here goes. Years ago when I used to go daily to morning prayers I read something about the Mourner's Kaddish that said unless the child of the decedent says Kaddish the decedent does not pass through onto heaven.
A friend told me that there are specific rules when the child is adopted which may apply in this case but I have yet to find them. Does this mean I need to adopt my children under Halakah?
How will my children feel if at my death a Rabbi tells them they are not allowed to say Kaddish for me? I can't imagine being told you can't do something that is integral to what we know as part of the mourning process.
The Kaddish is one of the most basic prayers in Judaism and one repeated in various forms including that of the Mourner’s Kaddish. Somehow I all of sudden felt cut off from my children and from a future (even one after death). Now don’t get me wrong I am not “observant” in the true sense of the word but my religion is a big part of me.
But this statement more than many I have read before it hit me hard.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donor Gametes for Assisted Reproduction in Contemporary Jewish Law and Ethics
Richard V. Grazi, MD, Division of Reproductive Endocrinology, Maimonides Medical Center, Brooklyn, New York 11219,Joel B. Wolowelsky, PhD, Department of Jewish Philosophy, Yeshivah of Flatbush, Brooklyn, New York 11230
Assisted Reproduction Reviews 2:3 (1992)
Notes:
1. Ethics Committee of the American Fertility Society, Ethical Considerations of the New Reproductive Technologies, Fertil Steril. 53:6 Suppl 2 (1990).
2. Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Instruction on Respect for Human Life in its Origin and on the Dignity of Procreation, Vatican Press, 1987.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Clinics target men's toilets in search for new sperm donors
no. 293
OK, let me start off that while I am glad to hear that clinics in the UK are being creative in their quest to find new avenues to find sperm donors this one, for me personally, crossed a line. For a future donor conceived individual to ever learn that their biological parent started down the road to their creation due to his reading an ad possibly over the urinal is pushing it. I know I joined the "Don't be a Wanker" campaign to help support new ideas but the association between urinal and creation I find distasteful.
The Independent
By Sophie Goodchild
Published: 19 November 2006
Excerpts:
Fertility clinics are to advertise for potential sperm donors in men's toilets for the first time in an attempt to help couples desperate to have children.
The shortage in recruits has forced one clinic in the West Midlands to display posters above public urinals urging men to sign up.
Midland Fertility Services, near Birmingham, is targeting 18- to 45-year-olds with its campaign, which launches this month, through appeals in the gents at Walsall Football Club as well as in fire and ambulance stations."
Dr Gillian Lockwood, the clinic's medical director, said: "The removal of anonymity has had a direct impact on sperm donation. We want to attract older men who may already have families with quality sperm who are motivated by altruism."
OK, let me start off that while I am glad to hear that clinics in the UK are being creative in their quest to find new avenues to find sperm donors this one, for me personally, crossed a line. For a future donor conceived individual to ever learn that their biological parent started down the road to their creation due to his reading an ad possibly over the urinal is pushing it. I know I joined the "Don't be a Wanker" campaign to help support new ideas but the association between urinal and creation I find distasteful.
The Independent
By Sophie Goodchild
Published: 19 November 2006
Excerpts:
Fertility clinics are to advertise for potential sperm donors in men's toilets for the first time in an attempt to help couples desperate to have children.
The shortage in recruits has forced one clinic in the West Midlands to display posters above public urinals urging men to sign up.
Midland Fertility Services, near Birmingham, is targeting 18- to 45-year-olds with its campaign, which launches this month, through appeals in the gents at Walsall Football Club as well as in fire and ambulance stations."
Dr Gillian Lockwood, the clinic's medical director, said: "The removal of anonymity has had a direct impact on sperm donation. We want to attract older men who may already have families with quality sperm who are motivated by altruism."
Thursday, November 16, 2006
American Psychological Association: Parents Should Disclose Using ART
no. 292
Monitor on PsychologyVolume 37, No. 8 September 2006
American Psychological Association
Should parents disclose?
T. DeANGELIS
Print version: page 54
As more children are born using assisted reproductive technologies (ARTs), a major question looms: Should parents tell their children how they were conceived?
In both policy and practice arenas, psychologists are saying, “Yes.”
“The feeling is that this is not only the parents’ story, but also the child’s story,” says Jan Elman Stout, PsyD, chair of the Mental Health Professional Group of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM). The reasons are both medical and psychological: Children of donor and surrogate technologies risk receiving inaccurate medical advice if they are misinformed of their genetic or biological roots, and such a fundamental secret can create an undercurrent of shame, experts note. For these and related reasons, ASRM’s Ethics Committee released a position paper in 2004 advocating disclosure (see www.asrm.org/Media/Ethics/informing_offspring_donation.pdf).
Given the recent development of some ARTs, as well as complications in using children as controls whose parents have not disclosed to them, research in the area is still relatively new. But thus far, telling children appears to be neutral or positive, according to a review article in May’s Sexuality, Reproduction and Menopause (Vol. 4, No. 1, pages 17–19) by psychologist Joanna E. Scheib, PhD, and Alice Ruby of The Sperm Bank of California (TSBC). The article also reports on Scheib’s and colleagues’ research on identity release, in which TSBC children can access their donor’s name at age 18. Adult children and donors are mutually curious and may want to meet, Scheib’s research finds, but they also want to respect each other’s lives and not intrude.
It may be easier to tell children in some cases than others, other research finds. Studies by University of Virginia psychologist Charlotte Patterson, PhD, and others, find that lesbian and single moms are more likely than heterosexual couples to have told their children how they were conceived, undoubtedly because it’s clear there is no biological father, Patterson says.
Other research shows that some people don’t disclose because they want to protect one or more family members, or they’re afraid children might reject their own father in favor of their biological one.
No matter what the circumstance, psychologists can offer clients important guidance in deciding about disclosure and in talking to their child, notes Cornell University infertility expert Elizabeth Grill, PsyD.
“There is no definitive answer on the right time to talk to kids,” she says. “But in general, younger is better, and parents might want to tell their children before adolescence, when issues of trust and identity take center stage.”
Monitor on PsychologyVolume 37, No. 8 September 2006
American Psychological Association
Should parents disclose?
T. DeANGELIS
Print version: page 54
As more children are born using assisted reproductive technologies (ARTs), a major question looms: Should parents tell their children how they were conceived?
In both policy and practice arenas, psychologists are saying, “Yes.”
“The feeling is that this is not only the parents’ story, but also the child’s story,” says Jan Elman Stout, PsyD, chair of the Mental Health Professional Group of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM). The reasons are both medical and psychological: Children of donor and surrogate technologies risk receiving inaccurate medical advice if they are misinformed of their genetic or biological roots, and such a fundamental secret can create an undercurrent of shame, experts note. For these and related reasons, ASRM’s Ethics Committee released a position paper in 2004 advocating disclosure (see www.asrm.org/Media/Ethics/informing_offspring_donation.pdf).
Given the recent development of some ARTs, as well as complications in using children as controls whose parents have not disclosed to them, research in the area is still relatively new. But thus far, telling children appears to be neutral or positive, according to a review article in May’s Sexuality, Reproduction and Menopause (Vol. 4, No. 1, pages 17–19) by psychologist Joanna E. Scheib, PhD, and Alice Ruby of The Sperm Bank of California (TSBC). The article also reports on Scheib’s and colleagues’ research on identity release, in which TSBC children can access their donor’s name at age 18. Adult children and donors are mutually curious and may want to meet, Scheib’s research finds, but they also want to respect each other’s lives and not intrude.
It may be easier to tell children in some cases than others, other research finds. Studies by University of Virginia psychologist Charlotte Patterson, PhD, and others, find that lesbian and single moms are more likely than heterosexual couples to have told their children how they were conceived, undoubtedly because it’s clear there is no biological father, Patterson says.
Other research shows that some people don’t disclose because they want to protect one or more family members, or they’re afraid children might reject their own father in favor of their biological one.
No matter what the circumstance, psychologists can offer clients important guidance in deciding about disclosure and in talking to their child, notes Cornell University infertility expert Elizabeth Grill, PsyD.
“There is no definitive answer on the right time to talk to kids,” she says. “But in general, younger is better, and parents might want to tell their children before adolescence, when issues of trust and identity take center stage.”
Sunday, November 12, 2006
And Then There Was Only One DI Dad Blog....
no. 291
Well it is now official that I am again all alone in the blog-0-sphere as the only man maintaining a blog about donor conception. That I know of anyway.
Max over at Diaries of a Hopeful Dad (The Adventures of Dynamo Dad) informed me off line that which most of us figured out that his blog is on hiatus. His last post was in August. As I mentioned earlier this week this a tough topic to keep going at when you are trying to conceive. Vee, Max's wife, is still maintaining her blog The Sweet Life and folks should make sure to stop in often to offer support on their continuing and hopefully short term journey.
On the flip side Richard from The End of My Line? has also suspened service over at his blog due to the happy news and events leading up to his and his wife's eventual delivery of DI conceived twins. His wife up to recently was having a rough pregnancy and things seem sto calming down as I understand she has headed back to work and is feeling better. We all look forward to Richard at least posting another entry when the children arrive complete with photos if that is possible.
I am saddened by each of these men leaving but fully understand where they both are at having been at both places myself. I first learned of my infertility in 1995, our first IVF / ICSI procedure was in early 1999 and our first child was not born until the Spring of 2002.
To deal with the topic of male factor infertility on varying levels for seven years before our son arrived was quite tough. There are many folks out there whose cycle count exceeds our own and the toll that takes monetarily much less emotionally is intense. So I can appreciate the different methods people use to deal with it on their own terms.
So again if anybody hears or sees a male written donor conception blog please let me know.
Well it is now official that I am again all alone in the blog-0-sphere as the only man maintaining a blog about donor conception. That I know of anyway.
Max over at Diaries of a Hopeful Dad (The Adventures of Dynamo Dad) informed me off line that which most of us figured out that his blog is on hiatus. His last post was in August. As I mentioned earlier this week this a tough topic to keep going at when you are trying to conceive. Vee, Max's wife, is still maintaining her blog The Sweet Life and folks should make sure to stop in often to offer support on their continuing and hopefully short term journey.
On the flip side Richard from The End of My Line? has also suspened service over at his blog due to the happy news and events leading up to his and his wife's eventual delivery of DI conceived twins. His wife up to recently was having a rough pregnancy and things seem sto calming down as I understand she has headed back to work and is feeling better. We all look forward to Richard at least posting another entry when the children arrive complete with photos if that is possible.
I am saddened by each of these men leaving but fully understand where they both are at having been at both places myself. I first learned of my infertility in 1995, our first IVF / ICSI procedure was in early 1999 and our first child was not born until the Spring of 2002.
To deal with the topic of male factor infertility on varying levels for seven years before our son arrived was quite tough. There are many folks out there whose cycle count exceeds our own and the toll that takes monetarily much less emotionally is intense. So I can appreciate the different methods people use to deal with it on their own terms.
So again if anybody hears or sees a male written donor conception blog please let me know.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Donor Conceived Ignore Chance to Meet Sperm Donor Dads
no. 290
"Kids Ignore Chance to Meet Donor Dads"
The Herald Sun
Kate Jones, Medical Reporter
November 06, 2006 12:00am
DESPITE new laws and a statewide advertising campaign, no Victorian children conceived by donor sperm have tried to find their biological parents.More than 100 young Victorians, who have turned or will turn 18 between July and December this year, are eligible under the new consent laws to apply for identifying information about their biological parents.
The laws came into effect on July 1. But so far, the Infertility Treatment Authority has yet to receive one application from a donor-conceived child.
ITA chief executive Louise Johnson said many children may not be aware they were conceived with the aid of a donor, "or the time may not be right for them," she said.
It is thought 30 to 50 per cent of donor-conceived children are not told about their true origins. Next year, more than 200 donor-conceived children will be eligible to contact their biological parents. Donors also have the right to apply for information about children. Providing there is consent, a donor and child may contact each other.
The ITA has received 10 applications from donors wanting to know details about offspring and 16 donors have voluntarily supplied their information.
---------------------------------------------------
Note: I edited the spacing of the text and combined many single sentences into whole paragraphs to save space
I have to wonder if and how these stats will change for these same donor-conceived children over the years. I expect in the future the ITA will release stats in total and also based on the "class" year that these individuals could have first requested contact info.
"Kids Ignore Chance to Meet Donor Dads"
The Herald Sun
Kate Jones, Medical Reporter
November 06, 2006 12:00am
DESPITE new laws and a statewide advertising campaign, no Victorian children conceived by donor sperm have tried to find their biological parents.More than 100 young Victorians, who have turned or will turn 18 between July and December this year, are eligible under the new consent laws to apply for identifying information about their biological parents.
The laws came into effect on July 1. But so far, the Infertility Treatment Authority has yet to receive one application from a donor-conceived child.
ITA chief executive Louise Johnson said many children may not be aware they were conceived with the aid of a donor, "or the time may not be right for them," she said.
It is thought 30 to 50 per cent of donor-conceived children are not told about their true origins. Next year, more than 200 donor-conceived children will be eligible to contact their biological parents. Donors also have the right to apply for information about children. Providing there is consent, a donor and child may contact each other.
The ITA has received 10 applications from donors wanting to know details about offspring and 16 donors have voluntarily supplied their information.
---------------------------------------------------
Note: I edited the spacing of the text and combined many single sentences into whole paragraphs to save space
I have to wonder if and how these stats will change for these same donor-conceived children over the years. I expect in the future the ITA will release stats in total and also based on the "class" year that these individuals could have first requested contact info.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Fairfax Donor 1084 Update - Restrictions Imposed
no. 289
According to posts I have seen on the Yahoo DSR related discussion groups and at least one Donor 1084 mom's blog it appears that Fairfax has decided to limit access to the remaining vials of this donor to families looking to conceive siblings for existing children. A second Donor 1084 mom's blog reports no such confirmation but for her correspondence with Donor 1084 mom #1.
My understanding is that little or no explaination is being offered (beyond that another mom reported that her child conceived from 1084 also shared a skin condition) and thereforethe vials are restricted and being offered only to existing families.
It would appear that when enough noise is made [whether it be in the media or perhaps other avenues (recall Mom vs. NECC) ) that results in some measure can be achieved in some measure.
Reform is needed folks and the public must be involved in the process. I am not saying the banks should be excluded from the table as all sides need to be in agreement to make any reform work but steps are needed and we need to take them sooner than later so other children don't have to go through such pain and struggle.
[Note: I edited paragraph 3 slightly].
According to posts I have seen on the Yahoo DSR related discussion groups and at least one Donor 1084 mom's blog it appears that Fairfax has decided to limit access to the remaining vials of this donor to families looking to conceive siblings for existing children. A second Donor 1084 mom's blog reports no such confirmation but for her correspondence with Donor 1084 mom #1.
My understanding is that little or no explaination is being offered (beyond that another mom reported that her child conceived from 1084 also shared a skin condition) and thereforethe vials are restricted and being offered only to existing families.
It would appear that when enough noise is made [whether it be in the media or perhaps other avenues (recall Mom vs. NECC) ) that results in some measure can be achieved in some measure.
Reform is needed folks and the public must be involved in the process. I am not saying the banks should be excluded from the table as all sides need to be in agreement to make any reform work but steps are needed and we need to take them sooner than later so other children don't have to go through such pain and struggle.
[Note: I edited paragraph 3 slightly].
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
A Decrease in Male Written Male Factor Infertlity Blogs....
no. 288
I am beginning to see that for a few of the male written MFI blogs the bloggers have either stopped writing altogether or the posts are few and far between.
Part of the attrition is due to the emotional whallop that writing does take. For some the experience is cathartic for others it is draining. For some there is a point where the blogger says what am I getting out of this other than constant reminders of the issue at hand. I will admit keeping a blog current is tough work as I am sometimes hard pressed to put something new to "paper" myself. Max, if you are out there I wish you the best as I have not heard from you, on all fronts, in quite some time and I hope you are OK.
For other couples the drop in MFI related blogs is due to successes (or what I am guessing is success as the blogs just stopped at positive early pregnancy tests). I am obviously quite happy for these men and their wives but what's interesting is that their success are leading to a downturn in the number of male written infertility blogs. Not that I am looking for other families to have such issues to just find new blogs written by men but it does leave a vaccuum for those looking for that perspective.
So when I hear and see new male written MFI blogs I will try to highlight them......and if anyone hears of new male written DI / DE related blogs please let me know.....
I am beginning to see that for a few of the male written MFI blogs the bloggers have either stopped writing altogether or the posts are few and far between.
Part of the attrition is due to the emotional whallop that writing does take. For some the experience is cathartic for others it is draining. For some there is a point where the blogger says what am I getting out of this other than constant reminders of the issue at hand. I will admit keeping a blog current is tough work as I am sometimes hard pressed to put something new to "paper" myself. Max, if you are out there I wish you the best as I have not heard from you, on all fronts, in quite some time and I hope you are OK.
For other couples the drop in MFI related blogs is due to successes (or what I am guessing is success as the blogs just stopped at positive early pregnancy tests). I am obviously quite happy for these men and their wives but what's interesting is that their success are leading to a downturn in the number of male written infertility blogs. Not that I am looking for other families to have such issues to just find new blogs written by men but it does leave a vaccuum for those looking for that perspective.
So when I hear and see new male written MFI blogs I will try to highlight them......and if anyone hears of new male written DI / DE related blogs please let me know.....
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Britain's Sperm Crisis: Call Up Our Boys
no. 287
November 5, 2006
The Independent
Britain's sperm crisis: call up our boys
By Marie Woolf, Political Editor
What I found most interesting about this article in the UK newspaper The Independent is not so much the idea of "recruiting" service personnel to donate sperm or to freeze their own before going off to war but the idea of bartering free IVF cycles for the healthy sperm of men who are trying to conceive with their wives when their issues are female centered.
It's interesting and scary as it can create the cruel result of creating children by a husband yet if his / their own IVF cycles fail the couple itself can remain childless.
November 5, 2006
The Independent
Britain's sperm crisis: call up our boys
By Marie Woolf, Political Editor
What I found most interesting about this article in the UK newspaper The Independent is not so much the idea of "recruiting" service personnel to donate sperm or to freeze their own before going off to war but the idea of bartering free IVF cycles for the healthy sperm of men who are trying to conceive with their wives when their issues are female centered.
It's interesting and scary as it can create the cruel result of creating children by a husband yet if his / their own IVF cycles fail the couple itself can remain childless.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Telling...Whose DI Story Is It?
no. 286
Ultimately the story is that of my children. So have I been doing them a disservice by running this blog with my real name so prominently posted in my bio? I am not sure. Certainly by being public I believe I give some integrity to my questions. On the other hand had I withheld my name I am sure my words would have spoken for themselves and my children's identities and stories would have remained their own until they decided to be public.
Why am I thinking all of this? Did something happen at their schools or the playgrounds? Actually nothing happened involving them. What happened is that a good friend whom I have known since literally almost birth {born same day same hospital same doctor] told a high school classmate, that I have not seen in 25 years, clear across the country over lunch. Why should this bother me? My name was in the NY Times and USA Today among several other publications and if googled this blog will appear. This friend's mom actually learned not from her son but from seeing the USA Today issue itself. We have guessed that through this mom half the mom's of old high school acquaintances probably know.
Part of my uneasiness might be from the fact that this friend has joked and complimented me at the same time that he could not imagine a discussion of his testes being made in such a public forum. To be honest I am numb to it but on reflection it is somewhat embarrassing. There is currently a book in the works where I contributed an essay under my own name on the topic of DI where again the source of infertility is discussed so why again should I care that this friend shared my story.
Perhaps it is because it is not my story and because I am now more clearly thinking about it as my children's story.
Ultimately the story is that of my children. So have I been doing them a disservice by running this blog with my real name so prominently posted in my bio? I am not sure. Certainly by being public I believe I give some integrity to my questions. On the other hand had I withheld my name I am sure my words would have spoken for themselves and my children's identities and stories would have remained their own until they decided to be public.
Why am I thinking all of this? Did something happen at their schools or the playgrounds? Actually nothing happened involving them. What happened is that a good friend whom I have known since literally almost birth {born same day same hospital same doctor] told a high school classmate, that I have not seen in 25 years, clear across the country over lunch. Why should this bother me? My name was in the NY Times and USA Today among several other publications and if googled this blog will appear. This friend's mom actually learned not from her son but from seeing the USA Today issue itself. We have guessed that through this mom half the mom's of old high school acquaintances probably know.
Part of my uneasiness might be from the fact that this friend has joked and complimented me at the same time that he could not imagine a discussion of his testes being made in such a public forum. To be honest I am numb to it but on reflection it is somewhat embarrassing. There is currently a book in the works where I contributed an essay under my own name on the topic of DI where again the source of infertility is discussed so why again should I care that this friend shared my story.
Perhaps it is because it is not my story and because I am now more clearly thinking about it as my children's story.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Two Hopeful Dads: A DE and Gestational Surrogate Story - Continued
no. 285
The third and last installment of this series by the Los Angeles Times can be linked below or through the title of this post.
Tuesday 10/31: Will Chad & Dave Become Fathers: Launching a Journey They'd Never Imagined
The third and last installment of this series by the Los Angeles Times can be linked below or through the title of this post.
Tuesday 10/31: Will Chad & Dave Become Fathers: Launching a Journey They'd Never Imagined
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