Too Much Bonding with a DI Child is Exhausting

Bonding with your children is a blessing. Too much so leads to exhaustion. I can safely say that my kids love me as evidenced by the number of times per day they say, yell, scream, cry, plead the word "Daddy".

We are lucky in that our kids conk out for an early bedtime but we are also compensated by this good luck by our daughter (who at just under two) as she wakes up each morning, on average, no later than 5:30 am. Her first word each day is "Daddy" not "Mommy" but "Daddy". I am blessed by being draggged out of my bed for fear of our neighbors banging on walls to get this little girl to be quiet. She has a set of lungs that I am assuming can be heard across Manhattan at that hour.

Based on what my wife tells me it appears that they ask for me all day to the point she wonders who actualy bore these kids. As soon as my kids hear my keys hit the door when I get home I am surrounded and deluged with book reading requests or more often than not requests that Mommy denied and last ditch efforts are being made for these requests to be granted before Mommy can fill me in as to her decision. I am sure every dad goes through these rituals but for a DI Dad they are especialy sweet as you know you worked harder to get here so the exhaustion feels twice as tiring.

I know during their teenage years the word Daddy will not be said with as much love as it is now so I am saving up these memories. Now if I can only get the two year old to sleep to say 6:00 am I would smile a with a bit more energy.

Defining Manhood in Sitcom-Land

I recently caught a syndicated episode of Tim Allen's Home Improvement television sitcom. The episode focused on Tim's reluctance to get a vasectomy despite his wife Jill's requests for Tim to do so. The episode included the expected silly jokes involving a man's virility including measuring a man by his ability to sire children. Tim's reactions were further complictaed when he saw that the urologist was a woman and he wasn't letting a lady doctor into "man-land".

One of the episode's pivotal scenes was Tim at the backyard fence talking with his neighbor Wilson. Part of Tim's reluctance to have the vasectomy was that he never felt more like a man than when he heard his wife was pregnant that first time. He and Wilson had a discussion regarding cultural beliefs about men and virility. Wilson being Wilson offered reasons that the act of creating kids does not define a man as there are many facets to be being a true man besides being able to procreate. Had it stopped at the procreation = manhood I would have been pissed. Years ago watching this I would have watched the episode for pure comedic value but it's interesting how present facts do color your interpretations and reactions.

Real Debate re Donor Conception Currently in Australia

To date I have not seen nor heard of any true debate in the United States regarding Donor Conception. Sure most of the major new programs, mostly television, have run segments on siblings finding each other through the Donor Sibling Registry, or even sperm donors stepping forward like Donor 48QAH to acknowledge the gift (albeit paid) they provided to families (however you define them) wanting to have children. But few of these programs have gotten into the true meat of the two major issues: (1) health issues and (2) identity loss.

In Australia the issue gaining the most attention currently is the effects of the current laws regarding anonymity and right of first contact. As of July 1st this year donors have the right to initiate contact via letters being sent by the government to the families of donor conceived individuals born after 1988 (I believe) when a donor has indicated to the government agency they, the donor, is interested in contact.

This has ignited a thunderstorm of activity by groups like the Aussie DCSG advocating that parents tell their children of their conception if they have done so already to avoid their teenagers coming home to find the letter waiting to be opened in the post box and for these young adults to learn this information via a piece of paper rather than from their parents. There is currently a movement to reform the legislation in Victoria to require that contact can only be initiated by the donor conceived and not via the donors as a result.

Two nights ago, May 30, 2006, on the Australian TV show Insight there was a discussion / debate where the program brought together donors, donor conceived individuals, parents and industry reps to discuss many of theses issues. Check it out at these links video, article, transscript.

My own views at this point are that the donor conceived individuals should have the right of first contact. For better or worse the donors gave up that right at the point they donated. Yes, they should register and their info be available when and if the donor conceived individuals come looking but the right of first contact, as it should apply to the Australian scenario, in my mind should be left with the children or adults conceived via donor conception.

New Doctor Visits & Disclosure

About a week or so ago I took my son to a new pediatrician who has an office close to our new apartment. Before I met the doctor I filled out the requisite paperwork regarding insurance, address, and contact info. When we were in the actual exam room the doctor started asking re medical history of my son. I told her that he has had no operations, no broken bones, was vaccinated on a delayed schedule, and biologically is the result of using donor insemination. I just decided to tell her upfront. I did not wait for her to ask about family medical histories. I just told her so it’s on his record from day one.

My wife was surprised I would share this so quickly when there was no reason to do so especially since the doctor actually lives in our apartment building and despite doctor / client privileges their story could make the rounds among our neighbors. My response to her was so what as we planned to be open about this anyway. Yes, the decision to be so open is that of the kids themselves but I felt the doctor should know from the beginning in case of an emergency etc.

I think I took the doctor by surprise for a moment but she recovered quickly and left the issue alone rather than start discussing it in front of my son as we were there to check out his eyes, he had contracted pink eye again as I suspected. My wife thinks I am secretly amused t o watch people’s reactions. She may be right but this was a real reason to tell in my mind.

Talking & Telling Your Children About Donor Conception

The British DC Network's How to Tell Project has just released yesterday on its website 4 booklets and a DVD video on how to talk and tell your children about their donor conception story. The booklets are free to download and worth checking out.

The project as I recall was supported by the government and exemplifies a true partnership that appears to have resulted in an amazing tool for parents and educators and therapists.

The image at left is only the first of the four booklets that are arranged by age. Olivia and the folks at the DC Network have provided us all an invaluable service.

Blog Post # 200 & New Chapters

This is my 200th post to this blog since August 2005 (about 9 and 1/3 months). I actually cannot believe I am at 200. It feels like a moment ago I was at 100 posts much less even just starting this blog. I started the blog just for me to talk my thoughts through in some form and have found that it evolved into a proactive vehicle to get involved in the DC community in a positive form. Hopefully some of you have found you are not alone by my being out here.

I am proud to say that as a result of this blog other men have begun their own blogs chronicling their journeys through infertility and DI. It's a hard enough subject to deal with much less to address it publicly when you are in the middle of it and I applaud both Richard, Max and others out there.

From starting this blog I was invited to take over as owner and moderator of the DI Dads Yahoo Discussion Group. Today I approved our 50th member to join the group. For the men that have found the group I know it has made an impact. The support of others in the same position have given many of these men the abiilty to feel more comfortable asking their questions. Whether they have decided DI is right for their families or not is second only to their making informed decisions which they can live with and feel are the right ones to them. The DI Dads group was founded under the idea that in a private setting these men can open up where otherwise there was no safe place they could go and not feel ashamed or embarrased by these discussions.

Within the coming weeks I hope to launch a new blog tentatively titled "DI Dads Speak Out" where some of the Discussion Group members will add another face to the issues of male factor infertility as it relates to decisions surrounding DI. The idea is again that if more men can speak publicly about these issues others will be empowered to positively address them as well. Whether you are pro or con on the issue of DI, for the children and adults conceived via DI we need to take steps to erase long standing stigmas and to address all the issues (i.e. openness and identity issues) in the light in order to have honest discussions. I hope the new blog can add to that discussion.

My long term goals are still to create a national US based donor conception support organization harnessing the energies of all the DC constituenties. Maybe by Post #200 I will be able to provide an update to you in that area.

Thank you for stopping by along your travels.

- Eric

Tracking Sperm Donors, Pregnancies, Births

In today's Detroit Free Press (5/23/06) an opinion piece is being run that was written by one of the founders of SpermCenter.com. The gentlemen admits that while he is not a fan of increased regulation he believes that incraesed regulation and tracking of sperm donors and the results of their donations (pregnancies, live births etc) should be 100% reported and tracked. The piece is well written and worth checking out via the link to the Annex via this post's title.

SpermCenter.com is a site that at this point of being a DI Dad I did not expect to start checking out. It is essentially an all in one stop to be able to search multiple sperm banks at once and for a small fee it is probably a good investment timewise to take some of the craziness out of any potential donor search. I am not sure yet how many banks they work with. I recall briefly checking out the site some time ago based on the desire to create a database and customer reviews of the sperm banks after the issue came up repeatedly on the DSR_Discussion Yahoo Group.

I have mentioned that part of my daily ritual is to check out the Donor Sibling Registry to see if my children have another half sibling out there. The potential that there could be dozens is crazy to me and if I had that info before choosing a donor it might have influenced our decision in some manner.

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Note: This is Post 1999 based on Blogger's count which is unbelievable to me. - Eric

Donor 48QAH - Donor Dads Reaching Out to Kids : A DI Dad's Reaction

Today's Detroit Free Press featured several articles regarding how Matthew Neider became Donor 48QAH and how his journey has taken him to a point where he is making himself available to the children he helped create biologically.

The relationship between the Donors and the DI Dads is a one of mixed emotions at least from the DI Dads side. On one hand there is the extreme and profound thanks for the Donor's existence and for the act of donating that allowed the DI Dad to become a father and on the other hand is the desire for the Donor to stay at arms length and not really become a real influence in the lives of our children. This is tempereed by the fact that in an family where disclosure is part of the equation and openess the expected credo it is quite possible the children will want to at the very least learn more about the donor if not want to meet him if at all possible.

So reading these articles raises these mixed emotions but the hope is that our kid's donor is as honest and altruistic as Dr. Neider appears to be.

---------------------------------
The full texts of the lead story article is posted on the Life as DI Dads Annex:

Links to the Detroit Free Press articles:

BY TAMARA AUDI, FREE PRESS STAFF WRITERMay 21, 2006

Front Page:http://freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/frontpage

Lead Story:http://freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2006605210638

Lead Story Video:http://freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=200660521002

Related:
Sudden e-mails let man in on children's liveshttp://freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060521/NEWS05/605210637

Related: WONDERING WHO HE IS: 10-year-old girl is curious to meet her'donor dad'http://freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060521/NEWS05/605210639

NBC Today Show Piece on the 5 Michigan Donor Conceived Kids

This morning I caught the Today show segment where Campbell Brown interviewed (1) the Michigan doctor treating the 5 kids all conceived from the same donor and (2) a NYC area Reproductive Endocrinologist about how the kids received the defective gene from their common donor.

Ms. Brown dutifully asked the Michigan doctor if whether he knew if the sperm bank had tried finding the original donor to which he answered yes. At that point she SHOULD HAVE asked the RE if he believed their should be central registry where the sperm bank used could centrally note that this guys's sperm shoudl never be used again. Yes he has left Michigan but what if he decides to donate again in CA. If this disease is not normally screened for we will never know if he donates again until more kids pop up with this same disease.

WE NEED SOME CENTRAL REGISTRY WHERE PROBLEM DONORS CAN BE ACCOUNTED FOR SO OTHER BANKS CAN CONFIRM THAT THE DONOR HAS NOT HAD PROBLEMS ELSEWHERE.

ABC News: Nightline Stories (5/19/06) re Donor Sperm & Donor Egg

There are 3 stories relating to donors and donor children on the Nightline webpage. In case the links happen to change the Nightline webpage is http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/

This is the text from the Confessions of a Sperm Donor story:http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/Health/story?id=1982328&page=1

This is the text from the Sperm Donor Gives Rare Genetic Disease to Five Children story (it identifies the sperm bank as International Cryogenics):http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/story?id=1982801&page=1

This is a link to the College Students Targeted For Egg Donation at Sometimes too Great a Cost story:http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=1981899&page=1

Talking with Children about Egg & Sperm Donation [Newton, MA Workshop]

TALKING WITH CHILDREN ABOUT EGG & SPERM DONATION

Saturday, June 3, 2006 - 10:30am - 12:30pm

Let's Keep the Conversation Going

Parents who build their families through egg or sperm donation are often hesitant about talking with their children.
* How will we introduce the subject of donor conception?
* What should we say?
* When should we say it?
* How will our child/children react?

These are among the questions that you may be asking yourself if you have built -- or are hoping to build -- your family through gamete donation. You may also be wondering about talking with others -- your family, friends, teachers and more.

This 2-hour workshop will help you launch the conversationÐand keep it going. You will leave the program feeling confident, secure and better prepared for conversations with your child. You will meet others who share your experiences, and will learn from experienced professionals.

An on-going support group will be available for workshop participants who would like to continue meeting.

Sat, June 3, 2006. 10:30am - 12:30pm. $65/person
55 Farlow Road, Newton, MA

Facilitators:
* Ellen S. Glazer, LICSW,
http://www.EllenGlazer.net ,
http://www.gis.net/~eglazer
* Debra Olshever, LCSW, Adoption Associates,
http://www.AdoptionAssociates.org

Register: Ellen, 617-332-3468, EllenGlazer@verizon.net

******************************************************

Editorial note from the Infertility Network:

Ellen Glazer is a Social Worker who specializes in reproductive medicine & adoption, as well as a parent through birth & adoption after infertility & miscarriage. She is the author/co-author of several books, including: Having Your Baby Through Egg Donation; Choosing Assisted Reproduction - Social, Emotional & Ethical Considerations; The Long Awaited Stork - A Guide to Parenting After Infertility.

********************************************************

Moderator's Note:

I met Ellen back in Oct. 2005 at a DC Conference in Toronto and she is quite good to listen to and knows her stuff. If anyone is in the Newton MA area I recommend this workshop. A two hour investment of your time on this topic should be a no-brainer. - Eric

Inside The Business Of Egg Donation

For the text of the article posted, as of 5/17/06, at the CBS Evening News website the above link to the Annex is provided.

The more I read stories about young women donating eggs I am amazed at the process comparatively to male donors of their gametes (i.e. their sperm). It's no wonder that the prices paid are so exorbitant. But the numbers quoted here are insane and are essentialy bribing these young women and for those women in finacial need how can they say no.

While my above comment seems to indicate I am an not a fan of DE that is not my intent. DE like DI is an amazing gift to the families in need of it. This does not address the larger DC issues surrounding DC.

I am currently watching my kids by myself all weekend and to all you stay at home moms and dads I salute you I am already exhausted.

Donor Passes Disease onto 5 Donor Conceived Michigan Children

To read the full NY Times article on this story link above to this blog's Annex.

It's about time that the media begin addressing this side of the DC issue. Without such stories coming to light the public will never support efforts to better regulate this industry.

It is noted in the article that while donors are routinely screened for several different diseases the one that these children contracted is extremely rare and was not tested for. Somehow that did not make me feel better. The conclusion that the donor was the source resulted from a review of the children's genes and htat of the mothers.

To read the AP story per the Washington Post click here.

Crying Time

Lately I have been feeling a bit down. Even though I am generally a very outgoing person I have throughout my life felt very alone. Consequently my self esteem is not the greatest. When I found out I was infertile it did not help very much in validating my self worth.

Usually I keep all this stuff under the surface so no one suspects how I very often feel. As I have mentioned in recent posts we just moved to a new apartment. My stress levels due to the move and a few other factors including work have been spiking quite high.

Last night while sitting in our foyer on the floor with my wife I just lost it and started to cry. Part of our conversation involved what life would be like if we were not married and we did not have these kids. Sometimes I do not feel worthy of being their dad. I love them both dearly and occasionally it hits me hard they are not from me. Usually this is not an issue but when I am feeling low it hits me and I wish they were mine. Even though I know they are.

Sometimes its hard not to cry.

The De Facto Parent - Justices Shy Away From Gay Parent's Case

Declining to hear a Washington State court case the Supreme Court said Monday it would not block a lesbian from seeking parental rights to a child she helped raise with her longtime partner. The Washington State court had held that the non-biological “mother” could pursue ties to the girl as a "de facto parent."

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/05/15/AR2006051500460.html

Eighteen states recognize "de facto parents" over the objections of fit biological parents, according to the biological mother's lawyers: Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Indiana, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Minnesota, New Jersey, New Mexico, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Utah, West Virginia, Washington and Wisconsin.

I don’t know whether these same states recognize non-biological dads like myself as the “natural” father under the law as New York State recognizes me but if these states do not I would expect / hope that DI Dads would be afforded such status under this “de facto parent” theory. If anybody knows the answers to this question for these states please let me know.

Happy Mother's Day

I wish all you moms, expectant moms and ttc hopeful moms-to-be a very happy day. Holidays which accentuate what we want or are having trouble getting to can be stressful and I hope you all are spending the day in whatever fashion you desire to make the day as pleasurable and stress free as possble.

- Eric

Chicago Tribune Editorial Calling for National Gamete Registry

This is the first editorial I have heard of published by a major news source calling for the establishment of a national gamete registry. This is a major step forward and will be worth following to see what their readers think about this statement.

[I only wish they published this editorial on a more news worthy day than a Friday.]

Article text linked to above and at the new Life as Dad to DI KIds - Annex.

New Blog : Life as Dad to DI Kids - Annex

The purpose of the Annex is to post in full articles that I refer to and link to on this blog. I have noticed that for many older blog posts the articles linked to have disappeared or are only available for a fee from the originating news source. Sp prospectively I am copying the full text into the Annex and publishing my post here linking to the original source and the Annex.

Effectively I am creating a back up copy of the original article for readers of this blog.

AFA Seminar 5/07/06 - Donor Egg

I forgot to mention that upon walking through the exhibitor area I was struck by how many tables were set up by organizations involved in offering Donor Eggs. Not one Cryobank was there offering DI but at least 3-5 DE programs were represented. I admit I did not poll each one regarding anonymity or anything along those lines.

The fact that there were that many is great for those conference attendees needing that option. And as a DI Dad I can appreciate that need. I just now wish I attended the related seminar to see what was said on that topic.

AFA Seminar 5/7/06 - My Comments

Below are my quick comments regarding the conference. I was only able to attend the morning sessions and I purposefully missed the keynote addresses (been there, done that).

Session: "It's In the Male - Part 1"

This session was mostly technical stuff which I am guessing most ofyou know about than me as to what causes what at this point.The two things I did get out it were:

(1) If you are attempting IVF/ICSI etc with your own stuff and your urologist suggests testosterone treatments to increase your spermcount etc...get a new urologist...apparently testosterone inhibits FSH production which in turn will decrease your sperm production.

(2) DAZ gene. If you have MFI and are attempting IVF/ICSI it would be worthwhile for you to have your genes analyzed. If you have agene called the DAZ gene and you have a son you could be passing along your infertility onto him. This one scared me and my son is not from me.

Session: "For Men Only"

I was disappointed at the turn out for this session but it made sense to me from our experiences of how many men are out there and this group is still at under 50 members. Only 4 participants not counting me or the two presenters. The main presenter Bob Bamman a therapist here in NYC, who also has MFI, and adopted his kids, ran the session like a group therapy session. Worthwhile as I was only one to beable to speak on DI matters. All agreed that DI is where adoption was years ago.

Session: "Third Party Reproduction"

I missed this as they moved it into the afternoon.

On Mystery Island Would I be Fertile?

I admit that I have become a big fan of the TV show LOST. Although as a dad to young children and the fact that I work a lot of late hours I keep missing the show as I keep falling asleep or I'm at work. Yes I can program the VCR but I keep forgetting and we don't have TiVo.

I was wondering today since a few of the Losties have had medical conditions reverse themselves (i.e. Locke, Rose, etc) since they came to Mystery Island would I be fertile? Not that I would trade my kids but the question did come up in my mind.

For those of you that are like me and you keep missing episodes the following MSNBC site is a great place for recaps episode by episode. They have other show recaps as well.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6867118/from/ET/

If I had crashed on the Island like the rest of the Losties I wonder what flashbacks I'd have regarding my past. Too many sessions at the IVF clinic wasting our cash I suppose. Or perhaps our stealing condoms from the RE and giving them to our friends.

Frozen Donor Eggs: Avery Lee Kennedy

As medicine advances it was only a matter of time before Donor Eggs began to be frozen and marketed in the same manner as Donor Sperm. The story of Avery Lee Kennedy, of Lexington, KY, now four months old, may be among the first babies born using frozen donor eggs. Her story is already beginning to be broadcast via the Associated Press as of May 2, 2006 among several papers including the Washington Post, the Fort Wayne Journal Gazette, the Centre Daily Times, and Redding.com.

The use of frozen donor eggs will probably never reach the marketing levels that the cryobanks get out of donor sperm but it opens up a whole realm of possibilities to families looking for assistance. According to the AP article there are already a number of cryobanks specializing in DE despite the ASRM treating the technology as experimental medicine at this point in time.

Paternity Laws and Child Support and their Application to DI

I would expect that if a marriage that included any children created by DI were to fail that the social dad, the DI Dad, would honor his relationship to his children and have no issue paying child support as part of any arrangement reached upon the marriage’s dissolution.

As stated by the moderator to the Yahoo Group SpermDonors “the general rule [in this country] was that married persons were conclusively presumed to be the parents of children born or conceived during the marriage” including DI kids. In contrast to that rule USA Today reported on May 4, 2006 that a legislative bill in Florida would change that where the petitioning husband can prove via DNA tests that he is not the biological parent of the children born to the marriage in question. The bill ending up expiring before being voted upon but is indicative of a trend across several US States according to the same USA Today story.

My initial reaction to this is that if a DI Dad truly loved his kids I can’t imagine him fighting an order for child support. Granted I don’t know all the facts surrounding the growth of these laws but it seems to me they probably grew out of cases of true adultery and not so much cases of DI created children but the application is scary.

As stated within the Yahoo Group SpermDonors the result may validate the importance of blood relationships as advocated by DC persons but with the unintended effect of leaving a DI created minor without child support which certainly would not be any DC advocate’s goal.

The only other comment I would have is that if a DI Dad were to request cessation of child support under such a law they could probably kiss any relationship goodbye between themselves and those kids. Again I doubt these laws were written with DI in mind.

Artificial Insemination in Conservative Jewish Law : Another Article

I am not sure I agree with everything this Conservative Rabbi writes in this 1998 article and I have seen no other follow up article by him but I present as more info regarding my religion's views on DI.

Of the three major denominations of Judaism I do practice wuthin the Conservative Movement of which this Rabbi is part. The main article I have seen of that movement's views, drafted by Rabbi Dorf, can be found at: http://www.uscj.org/HealthArtificial_Ins5457.html, I originally made reference to this article in the linked prior blog posting.

PA Family Law Lagging Behind Technology

After reading the linked article I am glad I live in NYS where legally I am recognized as my children's natural father. The cases referred to in this article published Sunday, April 29th, are scary.

The article does not refer to the legal status of a DI Dad like myself so I can only wonder. It is my understanding that PA Law does not refer to donor insemination where NY law recognizes any children born to my wife during our marriage, created via ART, as legally and naturally my own.

Another Child? The Odds are Against It.

The truth of the matter is I do want another child. My wife keeps asking me and I keep saying no. Mostly for financial reasons but I'll admit I am also scared.

What am I scared about? I'll tell you. So far knock wood we have been blessed with two wonderful kids who are healthy, smart, and rambunctious. My fears are if we tried again our luck would not hold out. I have seen many personal stories of DI kids who are experiencing problems. I am not referring to the emotional ones of identity and loss but medical. And by that I mean medical issues that could have come from nowhere but via the donor. Stories of common ailments that have been duplicated and documented among half siblings who share a common donor.

Take for instance the mom who kids had so many issues that she began a website against her cryobank protesting it's apparent lack of responsiveness and apparent lack of screening for various diseases. I don't know the whole story and perhaps the public never will. Yes this case may be an extreme but when I read the discussion groups there a number of such stories out there.

Not only is it my fear as a parent who would have to deal with the day to day care of a sick child, but it would add another burden to my existing children down the road that they did not ask for on top of the identity issue that is already been thrust upon them by our choice to use DI. Most people forget that a disabled or sick child grows into an adult and then once the parents are gone the burden falls to any siblings.

Like I said our two kids are healthy and good kids and as much as I want more, and glad we used DI to bring these kids into the world, I am afraid to play the odds a third time.

Sun. 5/7 in NYC: AFA Nat'l Fertility & Adoption Conference

http://www.theafa.org/newsletter/AFA_f_agenda.html

If anyone plans to be at the American Fertility Association annual conference this Sunday feel free to try to find me to say hello. The above link is to the conference agenda.

http://www.theafa.org/newsletter/AFA_f_works.html

Session One apparently has a Donor Egg seminar but nothing about Donor Sperm which is disappointing. I'll probably be at the "It's in the Male Part 1" overview of MFI issues during this session unless I am making noise at the DE session.

Session Two unfortunately has two sessions of which I had hoped to be at both: (a) Third party Reproduction and (b) For Men Only. I expect to try to make some noise at both of these sessions and expect to split my time between them both.

I am staying for only the morning as I promised to be home in the afternoon. Ssssion Three starting at 2:15 appears to have two sessions which men may be interested in. Neither addresses DI though directly by name: (a) Eval and Treatment for men and women and (b) Its in the Male Part 2.

Overall I am not thrilled that DI is not more closely addressed am I am hoping the Men Only session in the morning is MFI focused as opposed to men helping their wives (although this VERY VERY is important). We shall see.

Again if you find me and want to say hello please do. I had hoped to wriggle my way onto a panel but that did not happen so I am there hopefully advocating for DI Dad related issues. Hopefully I will not sound like a crank.

The Male Pill

A Dad Someday posted today a piece about the introduction of the male pill. There is not too much more I have to say about this that he has not covered. Check out the comment left by Jenny re the use of this pill to prevent teenage pregnancies.

My only added comment (which I do address in a comment I left at the post) is my concern that while the pill's affects appear to reverse at one point after it stops being taken it should be noted that each individual's physiology is different and taht for some men the effects will take longer to wear off. And it may very well be that for some men once the drug takes effect it may not be reversible.

You don't know with these things and despite whatever studies are done you just don't know. As I stated I agree with everything written at the linked post re men taking birth control responsibility but drugs can be a scary thing. (same comments for the pill women have been taking for years).

And More Donor 401 - An Update

According to the Washington Post article, published Monday May 1st, linked above, it appears there are more Donor 401 offspring out there. Most interesting fact of the article is that a woman out there had 17 vials of unused sperm from Donor 401 which she is donating to the other mothers who are still interested in having more children who would be full siblings to their existing kids.

What's scary / amazing is how many other donors out there have this many kids. More than we know I am sure. More reasons that the cryobanks should be required to collect live birth info and cap out the maximum possible births from a single donor.

Granted the cryobanks could do nothing about vials previously sold but once the cap is reached the remaining vials (if any) perhaps should be taken out of currently available inventories. I am not sure whether these vials should be destroyed as if something happened to a past client's children you would want them to have the ability to have others I guess. I don't have all the answers but just feel that regulations should exist capping out possible kids.

"My Daddy's Name is Donor" T-Shirt ?

In today's toddler school curriculum do they address how babies are made? I'm not really sure. What would happen if either of my kids were wearing a t-shirt that a donor helped create them. In all likelihood only the teacher would have clue what that would mean. The other toddlers would, I expect, have no clue what that means.

I mention this as I was trolling around on the web and came a website store or two that were selling t-shirts for kids reading "My Daddy's Name is Donor". Apparently the shirts were being marketed for kids of lesbian couples. I can't imagine any heterosexual social dad putting a t-shirt like that on their kid and sending him off to the playground much less school or anywhere else. That would be sharing a bit too much with my neighbors. It would be taking "openess" a bit too far.

One of the sites had a picture of an adult wearing the shirt. Would an adult DC person really wear this? I can't imagine.

Studies related to DI

Within the last week there was a post to the DonorMisconception Yahoo Group regarding a comment made by a member of a British research team that had recently published a study dealing with the psychological impact on kids conceived via DC. The study itself was one comparing DE kids to DI kids in their psychological development. The post actually centered on the readers reaction to a commentary piece written by one of the researchers of that study. The researcher had concluded her commentary with a statement that "these non-disclosing families are producing well-adjusted adolescents shows that there is more to parenting than sharing information about genetic origins". The reader was concerned that the researcher was ignoring the importance of honesty in disclosing to the DI kids their origins etc.

I have brought this all up not to discuss the merits of disclosure of not but rather because it brought me back to my desire to find a study dealing with assessing the psychological assessment of how individuals changing ages and maturity affect their views of their conception via DI or DE. I find many studies (most somewhat stale) dealing with parental views of disclosure (a, b), studies dealing with parents of young school age kids, and studies dealing with adult views but few if any looking at the topic on a truly long range scale. The Sperm bank of California appears to be headed in the right direction regarding such a long range study. I found each of these links just by "Googling" the terms "Studies" and "Donor Insemination".

It seems to me that disclosing early leads to well adjusted kids during their early years and into adolescence but after that there is no little statistically significant research out there taking the question to those middle years between adolescence through young adulthood. I have opined before that I believe most people's views change at each point in their life where identity issues abound and it appears that the views developed at young adulthood can have the most profound effect on lifetime views.

The British DC Network has a great video titled "A Different Story" where several DI conceived kids and adolescents comment how DI has not adversely affected their views of who they are and all seems like well adjusted kids anybody would be happy to claim as their own kids. I truly hope the DC Network follow these kids and ask their views again when they each hit their early to mid 20s and that they find the same reactions.

He Looks Just Like You

This topic is not a new one for me. Where it used to hurt me and serve as a reminder of my pain now I just smile and take it as a compliment.

Now that we moved to a new apartment I am commuting daily with my son to his old neighborhood school so he can finish the year with his friends. Today we got to the street his school is on a bit early so we stopped for a bagel (me) and a sprinkle donut (him). [Don't tell my wife]. Anyhow while sitting on a street bench a woman stopped to say how my son looks just like me. My son asked me what she said and I told him.

He just smiled and I smiled. I love him so much and he really is a great kid. So if someone tells me he looks like me I am now content and happy because it must be mean I am being a good daddy.

Note: It probably did not hurt that we were both wearing baseball style caps in the same manner.

Being Public

I was asked today why would I be public as to our using DI and putting my name out there via interviews, this blog, and various online discussion groups and bulletin boards. The simple answer is education.

My goals at this point are to educate others that while there may be parties disagreeing as to the use of DI the issue should not be hidden in the closet perpetuating the stigmas attached leading to embarrassment and pain to all parties involved. Years ago the issue of adoption was an unspoken topic which brought shame to the adopting families and the adopted individuals themselves. Today adoption is no longer addressed in whispers and is seen as a viable, socially acceptable alternative to families wishing to have children.

By being public I hope to move DI forward such that the public can accept DI as it has accepted adoption. Yes there are many issues to discuss (and perhaps disagree with) but without bringing the issue into the public eye no discussions can take place.

Slight Blog Hiatus - Apartment Moving

During the next ten to twelve days posts to this blog will be quite infrequent if at all. We are moving and the move date was accelerated due to possible building worker's strike here in NYC so our packing has been accelerated and my access to a PC will be limited if at all.

So if you don't see me writing I wish you Chag Sameach re Passover, a Good Friday and a Happy Easter or whatever other holidays I may have missed.

Regards,
Eric

DI Dads Speak Out

I have created but have not activated a new Blog titled DI Dads Speak Out. The idea is to invite a number of the Yahoo Discussion Group DI Dads to put another public face on our side of the story. Yes this might dilute my own readership and yes there are two other TTC DI blogs currently out there but this would present multiple opinions at once that might interesting to see.

The long term goal is turn the posts into a book that could perhaps help other Dads who don't use the Internet or would want something to refer to at their leisure without turning on their PCs.

I am unsure if I will activate the ability for viewers to leave comments and am leaning strongly against as this is a forum to present views not debate them. I am not looking for these men to be badgered as many comments seem to be used.

I was not sure how the group would react. So far a few of the Yahoo DI Dads are interested. I am not sure how the rest of the group feels about the idea. Given that they each can be posted under psuedonyms I think at least a few more will join in who otherwise would not go public. The idea is that I would occasionally present a topic and then perhaps three (3) members would each draft their views independently which I would post simultaneously for viewers to see the similarities and differences of opinion.

I am thinking that posts would only be added on a weekly basis so as to not overload anyone and to give this version of a multi contributor blog time to grow.

Good idea or bad?

More Multi Dad Blogging Sites

In addition to DadBloggers (which I have begun contributing to - see post of a few days ago) the following is a list of other multiple dad blogging sites ( I found on the DadBloggers site) where the viewer can read posts from many dads all at one convenient web address:

http://www.theblogfathers.com/

http://www.dadcentric.com/

http://ricedaddies.blogspot.com/

http://justusdads.blogspot.com/

http://www.daddyspeak.com/

http://thedadsgroup.blogspot.com/

The Role of Fatherhood Part 2 - Choices

There is a message thread currently on the Yahoo Group SpermDonors that started after the 60 Minutes DSR segment. The thread's discussion has touched on the obligations of a bio father vs that of the choice to be a dad by the social fathers.

As a social father who was there (1) for the choice of donor (actuallly I chose him) , (2) for the inseminations, (3) the entire pregnancy [& all that entails] and (4) for their birth I feel my role is more than a choice. It is a committment to the children, to my wife, to the world and to the donor that I raise these kids [as my own]. My name is on their birth certs which gives me equal custody and decision making capabilities. It also obligates me as much as any bio dad. Except for [their] blood [which matches mine in type] these are my children and I recognize and acknowledge all the resposibilities that go with it. If I had met my wife after she had these kids perhaps it would be more of a social choice. But based on my fact pattern I am their dad [by more than simply choice] as are any other men whose facts match.

As a result I feel all of the obligations of a bio father are mine and nothing less. And yes I acknowledge that if a marriage were to dissolve between a married couple (bio mom, DI dad) that the social dad should be liable for child support as to do otherwise would signify a lack of commitment to the child and a lack of respect for the former spouse.

To recap the point being made in some of the thread responses is simply that social DI dads who choose to enter this method of conception are choosing to love and raise these kids. Yes, I agree but once the choice is made it requires an acknowledgemenmt of a lifetime obligation.

DSR Passes 2000 Matches

The Donor Sibling Registry this weekend officially made its 2oooth match between genetic half siblings and/or siblings to donor. This is quite a milestone. When we registered during the Summer of 2005 the matches were at less than half that amount, somewhere around 900. Simply amazing!

Fathering Children

My first DadBloggers submission was posted / published today 3/30/2006. The topic I started with is “Fathering Children”. You can link to it here.

I recognize here (in this blog) that anytime someone in the DC community uses the term Father or Dad we seem to get all bent out of shape with definitions. I have fallen prey to this as well and I expect I will for some time to come. My DadBloggers post looks at it more from the social perspective as opposed to the biological although that is addressed.

In our world there seems to be a unwritten agreement that the term Dad is for the social father and Father is for the donor. I have generally written here and on the DC discussion groups under that construct and named myself that way as well. But somehow had I titled the DadBloggers post Daddying Children the dual definition I refer to would not have worked.

Tax Tip for 2006: Donate to the DSR

OK, I'll admit any donations made now in 2006 will not effect your bottom line 2005 taxes due this April 15th but I figured that while taxes were on your minds that I could put the thought onto the table. The Donor Sibling Registry is federally recognized 501(c)(3)charitable organization such that all donations made to them will be tax deductible to you the donor.

I can't say enough of the attention and benefits the DSR has brought to all the families connected due to its existence and the efforts of Wendy and Ryan Kramer. So at this time when you should be filing your 2005 tax returns plan ahead and make any size donation you can to the DSR.

If you can't donate cash make sure when you visit the DSR that you click at least once on the Google Ad Sense links as even that small action can benefit the DSR financially if enough people click through. Make it a daily ritual while you have your coffee at work to take a single moment to drop by and click on any of the Google Ads. For the amount of traffic the DSR gets this can make a difference.

Where are the DI Dads of Donor Kids?

As I have stated in the past I moderate the Yahoo DI Dads discussion group where our membership has slowly climbed into the mid 30's. If the numbers are correct regarding DI births then about 35,000 to 40,000 kids are born via DI each year and if only 10% of those births are to heterosexual couples where are those 3500 to 4000 social DI Dads from the last 12 months alone?

If anyone finds them please let me know. Statistically they exist. The question is do they want to use their voices to be heard? Most likley it is a sad fact that many are not disclosing the truth to themselves or their families / friends to protect themselves from scrutiny and more likely the implied stereotypical shame on their egos. Maybe I should then be amazed that with the numbers out that even 30 or so have actually found their voices.

Well if these others exist please let them know there are others here who are willing to listen

TTC Infertility Lists (Non DC and DC)

I have added to my side bar a link to the Infertility List of Blogs that is maintained over at A Little Pregnant. It is quite extensive and worth browsing through (if only too see the creativity in blog names) in addition to the TTC blog "A Little Pregnant" itself.

I have yet to really work on a true stand alone DC blog list and I now believe it would involve a fair amount of overlap as many TTC DI blogs are those of single moms or lesbian couples already listed on the list linked above. It's easier to let others maintain these things I suppose.

The few hopeful dad written DI blogs I know of I have links to already. This presents a quandary as I feel to only add hopeful mom TTC DI blogs without the single moms and lesbian couples would be exclusionary which is not my goal. So for now I am limiting myself to the male written blogs for the most part. There is such a dearth of male experiences in this area and men rarely speak about these issues that it self perpetuates the fact that men don't discuss these issues which only allows the pain to continue.

Alert: Lead Based Toys

Ok, this is off the topic of DC much less DI but something that shocked me, as my 4 year old son constantly asks me for the toys in those quarter vending machines outside grocers and stationary stores so that I want others to be aware of it. Link here to the article I want you to read or via this post's title.

I am not saying the toys in these machines are necessarily lead based but I would bet they were produced by the cheap end of the toy market so who knows. Kudos to Brett over at DadTalk for publishing the post on this topic.

DI Overshadows Donor Eggs in the Media

Almost every story I see regarding donor siblings involves donor insemination and there is virtually no mention of donor egg yet it's hard not to pick up a newspaper without seeing an advertisement soliciting young women to donate their eggs. Yet somehow the new stories continue focusing on DI. Why is that?

My first guess is that there are far fewer donor egg sibling matches out there. I have no idea how true this is but I plan to post the question on my next visit to the DSR yahoo groups. The biology is quite clear that one man's DI sample can be parsed into a number of saleable vials and result in multiple children but that only a limited number of eggs are produced by one egg donor thus decreasing the chances of sibling matches. I would also expect that the number of times a woman donates must be a tiny fraction of the samples produced by their male counterparts due to the physical stress it causes and the requirement of increased medical review.

So you would think that the media would focus on this more invasive procedure as opposed to the side where the men just fill up a cup. But the media goes for the easy story of the cute kids faces created via DI.

In contrast The Independent (UK online edition) yesterday (3/26/2006) published an article titled "The Donor Business: The Price of Eggs" and discusses in detail the business end of this side of the donor conception business. It is a pretty in depth article about the costs incurred by both the egg donors themselves and the prices being paid by the purchasers and why donors are lured into donating. The article focuses on the UK DE world but is still quite telling.

I started writing this post as I wanted to compare the emotions of a DI mom carrying another woman's eggs, birthing and raising that child to my own feelings as a DI Dad but I got off track. Perhaps another time.

Last Will and Testament : Guardianship

In our wills if my wife and I both pass away our kids go to my sister and her husband. We set the guardianship of our kids up this way so the kids will be raised with their cousins and in our religion. If however my sister were to pass before us the kids are to go to my wife's brother and his wife (who currently have no kids).

We figured that in case the latter sequence of events occurred that the kids should be raised by their blood uncle even though he and his wife practice a different religion. It's interesting how the subjective nature of when blood relations matter are used when you deal in matters of donor conception or at least how it colors any and all discusions.

That comment begs the question of would I consider the kids being raised by the donor. In our case I could sidestep the question as the donation was an anonymous one. But my real answer is as there is no social relationship the kids would not understand why they are not with the family they know. Certainly at the young ages they are now it would be unthinkable. Maybe if they were teenagers and no other options existed (i.e. grandparents, cousins, etc.) and the donor agreed. But to be honest I could not imagine this at any time.

DSR Storyline on ER TV Show

I just caught the following post on the DSR Yahoo Group about last night's episode of ER (on NBC) involving a sub plot involving the Donor Sibling Registry. My apologies to Carol and the DSR for copying Carol's plot synopsis.

--- Carol@... wrote:

Storyline is:

Archie Morris, the somewhat dorky red-headed chief resident of the ER, is hunted down in the ER by 4 semi-red-headed kids, ages about 11-15. (As a DI Mom,I kinda saw what happens next coming....all that redhair was too much). They explain to Dr. Morris that they all met through the DONOR SIBLING REGISTRY online and that one of the computer whiz kids was able to crack the sperm bank's computer system and find the name of their donor...Archibald Morris. Morris had donated as a med student from 1991-96 and these are the four kids (from different mothers) who are listed on the registry for the fictional Chicago Cryobank.

Morris is THRILLLED, falls right into the "daddy" role, and clearly forms a stronger attachment to the kids than vice versa. He takes them on a tour of the ER, introducing them to the gang as his family. He has already picked up on each kid's specialness, obviously excited at this new-found role as parent.

When the oldest, a teenage girl who stole her Mom's car to drive them to the hospital, announces that it's time to go, Morris seems upset at the abrupt parting and asks about continuing the relationship, going for burgers, etc. The girl says "we'll see".

Later on we see Morris, nose into his computer, printing up the photo one of the staff took of him with the offspring. He tells a fellow doctor that "this is the one for my Christmas card".

I thought it was good publicity. They mentioned the DRS in its complete title and more or less gave the info on how the site works. The script made it clear that the kids found each other online, but found the Dad only through one of them being able to hack into a website. They showed a civil meeting between the donor and the kids, a reunion that has a happy ending.

If only all the matches ended up this nicely!

Carol

--- End forwarded message ---

New Consumer Model - Infertility Cartoon

I was browsing a few of the blogs I keep up with and read a post on A Dad Someday where he discusses a cartoon blog titled "New Consumer Model". After reading the post I linked over and found that the blog is not solely devoted to only infertility but various issues and thoughts of the artist Cameron. Today's cartoon, titled "Seaweed", nailed what it feels like when friends announce they are pregnant and you have been trying unsuccessfully.

Other cartoons drawn by the artist dealing with infertilty are titled as follows: "Preg Test Buy"; "Bed Estranged"; "Ultrasound"; "Found Pregnancy Test"; and "Pregnancy-Test". They probably should be viewed in reverse order but this is how I transcribed them.

3/26 - I removed the individual links to these cartoons as they appear to have changed as the artist/bloggist does not have perma links set up for each of his drawings. As I previously stated look for the cartoons based on the titles provided above.

The Differing Roles of Fatherhood - Part 1

Following the 60 Minutes segment a number of posts were made to the Yahoo Discussion Group SpermDonors the following is an edited version of the first message I posted there:

I have been following [the] thread dealing with the 60 Minutes segment and the use of terminology and the level of dettachment that Donor 48QAH exhibited and I wanted to throw another DI / Social Dad's comments into the mix.

I have never denied that the donor is the biological father nor would I to my children when they are old enough to more fully comprehend their conception. The older one does know a donor helped create him along with his mommy as I could not. Yes this sounds like the stat mantra kids are told but it is the beginning. I feel to explain more to a four year old may confuse him at this point.

Under normal conditions a father is both the biological and the social we all know that. Under conditions where DI is used those roles are split into two creating that split in identity that my children will have to deal with. It wasn't my intent as I have described numerous times on these boards and in my blog etc. To my children as they grow into adulthood there will always be two fathers perhaps but at the young ages (and I would expect the experts would agree) that this concept should be introduced slowly to ensure true comprehension. Until that point my kids know me as their sole father.

My only knowledge of the donor's intent to NOT be a social father is via the vials we purchased and that his sperm was being marketed as an anonymous donor when our bank offered both anonymous and open. Yes I acknowlege in the years since those donations his wishes may have changed.

My point, and I apologize for the rambling before making it, is that the kids will each decide to what degree they want a relationship to the donor and in what form. To blanketly assign the donor the role of the sole father (based only on the truth of biology) does the social fathers an injustice and only creates scenarios where these men become defensive and less likely to help their DI kids along their path in addressing these issues. My job and responsibility as I see it, based on my and my wife's choice / decision to use DI, is to help them in whatever paths they choose...whether they seek a relationship with the donor or not.

I hope this makes sense.

Baby Books....Mommy, Daddy, Donor...

My wife has been on my case to write in the baby books for our kids. She wants me to take a break from this blog to spend quality time with a pen and paper. I never seem to get to it. I think it’s the pen and paper aspect of it. If I don't start writing she will kill me as our older child is about to turn 4 and the younger is nearly 2. Now I should tell you that my wife has also been bad about making entries and only recently began adding info so we missed what date both kids first smiled etc among other facts looking for hard dates.

I did take some time the other night to peruse through what she has written. Mostly standard stuff. I did note that their conception story is noted in at least one of the two books that a donor was used and I believe she noted his number and the cryobank. In addition in one of the books we have copies of the beginning emails between us and the mom of their half sibling. I need to append all the donor info we have. I already have copies of it all in our safe deposit box in the same folder as our other family history / genealogy original documents.

I wonder if I can market a new line of baby books…..standard, two mommies, two daddies, choice mom, and standard along with the donor addendum pages. Hey electric light started as a joke too.

What Did This DI Dad Blog Do Right?

Over the last few days this blog's hits have exploded. As you can see above the hits kept coming at a level I have not seen before.

I can only guess it has to do with the search terms associated with the DSR via the 60 Minutes segment, the NY Times Mag piece and the posts regarding the Donor 401 moms based on the info accumulated as statcounter. Until this past week I averaged about 50-60 hits per day. To finish up a single week with these numbers is wild (at least to me).

For those of you that happened by for the first time I hope you will visit periodically and see what this DI Dad is thinking. If you have any comments or questions feel free to post them.

Link to 60 Minutes Transcript

CBS News: 60 Minutes
Sperm Donor Siblings Find Family Ties
March 19, 2006
Thousands of babies are born each year in the United States to mothers who used sperm from anonymous donors. As correspondent Steve Kroft reports, the children and their mothers are now using the Web to track down their "donor siblings."

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/03/17/60minutes/main1414965.shtml

My Reactions to March 19, 2006

Today was certainly one of the biggest media days for the topic of donor conception I can recall.

60 Minutes

This evening 60 Minutes ran a clean non sensationalistic piece about DI and retained in my mind why they are still one of the best at long format news pieces. I myself did not learn a lot of new facts out of tonight but I did not expect to. Tonight was another opportunity for the Donor Sibling Registry to shine and Wendy and Ryan Kramer to be congratulated for representing us well.

My hopes for stories such as these are for more families to become open and public so that the kids will more fully understand the love that brought them into the world. Did tonight get into any of the hard issues? No. Did I expect it to? No. These last few months DI has been the poster child of a clean, happy, easy story for the networks to run. Most have strayed into the sensationalistic but in each case the exposure has brought more families to the DSR and that is a positive step. Still I hope for stories to address the needs and concerns of the married heterosexual couples.

New York Times Magazine

As I stated in my post of last night as an empty "cannister" I can only say that DI brought us two wonderful kids who I love to death. What I got out of the article was a deeper appreciation for what many SMCs / Choice Moms go through to start their families. Most of the story I was familiar with. I know what we went through and I can't imagine doing it all as a single individual.

Again I watch each of these media pieces and feel that the opinions and feelings of men like myself, the DI Dads, are treated as inconsequential to the larger story and that is unfortunate as we are raising these children, our children, and until our stories are told a part of the long thought of stigmas remain and the heterosexual couples who use DI will remain in the closet.

Looking for Mr. Good Sperm ( NY Times Mag. 3/19 Sunday)

This is a mammoth article in length about the Choice Mom experience. The cover shot of the Magazine you have to admit is amazing. Not so much from the DI Dads point of view but it sums it up if you are a SMC. The article itself, published tomorrow 3/19, is titled "Wanted: A Few Good Sperm" as was written by Jennifer Egan. To link to a larger version of the cover shot link through the post title. You almost have to in order to truly appreciate the photo and the look on the woman's face.

Terminology is an amazing thing as the article when it begins to skip into the back of the magazine is referenced as "Donor Dads" which biologically is correct but is anything but what the average SMC is then looking for as I understand it. My wife joked around that the article and magazine cover show just how much worth a man is ...just a biological neccessity and no more. A quote in the article refers to a woman carrying a cannister of sperm and then realizing when she is on the street that all she sees is other cannisters of sperm but the ones on the street have two legs. Marginalization at its most potent. Yet I am an empty cannister who has benefited from this industry as we have two beautiful kids and who am I to complain.

Don't forget to watch "60 Minutes" Sunday night, March 19th, as where the NY Times article begins the story Steve Kroft's piece will detail the result of using Donor Insemination by interviewing the 5 Denver teenagers who are all half siblings and found each other via the Donor Sibling Registry. The promos hint that the investigative news crew went looking for and found either their donor or the donor of another set of individuals interviewed.

Media Update: Sun. 3/19 "60 Minutes Promo"

Per their website:

CBS News/60 Minutes/Up Next/Sunday, Mar. 19, 2006: FAMILY TIES – Fertility science techniques like anonymous sperm donation are creating some extended families that before now, would never meet. But today, with the help of a Web site, "donor siblings" are not only meeting each other, but their anonymous fathers, too. Steve Kroft reports. Mitch Weitzner is the producer.

What Biology Can Do....

Anyone that has seen the few televised news pieces about the Fairfax Donor 401 moms and their kids has to be amazed at the physical similiarities between all the kids. This morning I actually for the first time put on my computer screen three pictures: my own two kids together, a picture of their only known half sibling and lastly the toddler picture I have of their donor. All I can say is….Wow. In the past my wife and I had only looked at the half sibling photos together but I had never looked at all three photos at once.

The similarities between my older child and his half sibling alone are something to see. I thought it was just me but when a co-worker who knows of my children's conception method saw the photos she was amazed. [My door was open - I did not invite the office in for a comparison test.] She actually thought the donor's photo might be a brother to the half sibling. Again amazing stuff.

Egg Donor U

The Today show ran a piece this morning on egg donors and the efforts on campuses to recruit them. It discussed the advertisements, the fees paid (higher amounts for ethnicities in demand) and that the fees are “not for the eggs” but for the time, expenses, and effort. Jamie Grifo from NYU med ctr was there as the medical side of it. There was a piece a while back about an offer for a Harvard donee to be paid $50,000. Crazy stuff. If you run a search on google many many articles / sites come up. More than DI it appears.

I have not followed many Egg Donor blogs but the one I know that had a lot of good resources linked to it is Hard Boiled: A Donor Egg Blog. I am not sure how this family found the eggs they used as it's been a while since I have read through their blog. But I do recall that it's worth checking out.

At What Age Should They Hear His Voice ....and Maybe I Need a Break

My wife recently mentioned that she expects to let the kids listen to their donor's voice when they ask about it. No set age but just when they ask about it. I am not sure how I feel about that. It was enough for me to get myself to listen to his voice much less think about their listening to the CD.

It seems to me that all these discussions come down to a threat level. Of course it is unfounded but human reactions are not always rational. Perhaps I should modify the Government terrorist index to create a DI Dads threat level. That would make an interesting poll to post on the yahoo group.

I am not surprised that the overriding theme to such discussions is the level of threat they result in. When it was mentioned in the comments that I am obviously having issues with my status as dad it was no surprise to me. The writer of that comment seemed to think she was telling me something I was not already aware of. On a day to day basis playing or raising my kids I am absolutely fine. But creating this blog and the belief that to keep it alive one must publish (or perish) keeps the issue in my mind perhaps more often than is healthy and that is beginning to make me wonder if I should pull back a bit. Maybe just post once a week except for related news alerts etc.

I am getting off topic. I had not thought of an actual age but I suppose I had thought when they were teenagers (or at least 12) if I would have to pick an age. But that seems to long away now. Certainly letting them hear it now or even in the next 5 years would I think be too confusing to them.

Media Alert: Sun. Mar. 19th: (1) 60 Minutes (2) NY Times Magazine Article

This Sunday 3/19/2006 two separate pieces are being run in the media regarding Donor Conception specifically addressing Donor Insemination.

(1) CBS News program "60 Minutes"

Steve Kroft is doing a piece that will involve or touch upon the Donor SiblingRegistry. This news segment was filmed over a month ago and has been highly anticipated to see what the focus will be. Over the last few weeks the program has run each week a segment on health and reproductive issues.

(2) New York Times Magazine

According to reports I have seen from Wendy Kramer the article is expected to focus on Single Mothers by Choice and again mention the DSR.

This evening 3/14/06 the Anderson Cooper 360 news magazine on CNN ran the piece on the Fairfax Donor 401 moms and their DI conceived kids.

As always these news pieces seem to ignore our story, that of the dads, who wanted kids as much as the moms. All of the stories seem to focus first on the single women or lesbian couples. If a heterosexual couple is part of the piece you almost never see the dad. Perhaps the 60 Minutes piece will do more than I expect. But I doubt it.

DadBloggers - A Community of Dads

Just like the Mommy Blogs there are numerous daddy blogs. Some by SAHDs others by working dads with varying perspectives and thoughts willing to share. Most parent blogs maintain blogrolls of other like sites.

I have been invited to join DadBloggers. This is one of the few multi dad created and written sites I have seen out on the Web. My favorite dad blog to date has been DadTalk which is primarily written by one man. It is definitely worth checking out and his blog was voted third in the Best in Blog awards this year. In contrast, DadBloggers has a number of contributing Dads who each write on average one to two submissions per month.

The reader automatically gets to see a diverse view of topics and thoughts presented by the diffferent dads. I don't know if the invitation will result in my being accepted as a new contributor yet but I definitely encourage the dads out there to check out this site at www.DadBloggers.com.

William's Doll

There currently is a thread of messages going through the Yahoo DSR_Discussion group regarding Women (SMCs or Lesbian Couples) raising sons alone. The consensus seems to be running along the lines that many of the women have friends or family that would fill the male role model position where there is no father (in this case by choice). There were a few wild comments that if a boy was wearing mom's shoes and enjoying it that usually there would be a dad in a traditional family to provide a re-direct into more traditional roles which I found a bit overprotective.

My own kids (a boy, 4, and a girl, 2) both love pushing strollers with babies in them and both love playing with the large dollhouse that sits at their cousin's house (who are both girls). My son will occasionally sit down and "feed" his sister's babies and is generally very protective of his own stuffed animals very often assigning each a mommy animal. Do I make it a point to re-direct him after seeing him participate in these activities? No, I do not.

Whenever I hear this topic and especially regarding parent's fears of boys playing with dolls I immediately go back in time to when I first heard the song "William's Doll" from the Marlo Thomas and Friend's album "Free to Be You and Me". That whole album was great in that it made it clear that kids and anybody should be allowed to be themselves and that role models did not necessarily have to fit stereotypes. I still can hear Marlo and Alan Alda singing that song and the lyrics say it all:

ARTIST: Mary Rodgers and Sheldon Harnick
TITLE: William's Doll

[Adapted from the book "William's Doll" copyright 1972 by Charlotte Zolotow. By permission of Harper & Row. Performed by Alan Alda and Marlo Thomas]

When my friend William was five years old
He wanted a doll, to hug and hold
"A doll," said William, "is what I need
To wash and clean, and dress and feed

"A Doll to give a bottle to
And put to bed when day is through
And any time my doll gets ill
I'll take good care of it," said my friend Bill

A doll, a doll, William wants a doll
Don't be a sissy said his best friend Ed
Why should a boy want to play with a doll
Dolls are for girls said his cousin Fred
Don't be a jerk, said his older brother
"I know what to do," said his father to his mother

So his father bought him a basketball
A badminton set, and that's not all
A bag of marbles, a baseball glove
And all the things a boy would love

And Bill was good at every game
Enjoyed them all, but all the same
When Billy's father praised his skill
"Can I please have a doll now," said my friend Bill

A doll, a doll, William wants a doll
A doll, a doll, William wants a doll

Then William's grandma arrived one day
And wanted to know what he liked to play
And Bill said, "Baseball's my favorite game
I like to play, but all the same

"I'd give my bat and ball and glove
To have a doll that I could love"
"How very wise," his grandma said
Said Bill, "but everyone says this instead"

A doll, a doll, William wants a doll
A doll, a doll, William wants a doll

So William's grandma, as I've been told
Bought William a doll, to hug and hold
And William's father began to frown
But grandma smiled, and calmed him down

Explaining, William wants a doll
So when he has a baby someday
He'll know how to dress it, put diapers on double
And gently caress it to bring up a bubble
And care for his baby as every good father
Should learn to do

William has a doll, William has a doll
'Cause someday he is gonna be a father, too

The Need for Contrary Opinion

Please note that this blog was written a few days under a then understood set of facts. At the close of this post will be an update...

Something happened yesterday afternoon (3/9?) which I actually did not intend. There are always at least two sides to every story. There are those who would directly oppose each other's opinion and then in between individuals with varying degrees of acceptance, support and disagreement. Yesterday a member of Tangled Webs who has posted comments here quite often (at least recently) stated she would no longer be posting on "these blogs". By these blogs I took it to mean this one, and those of DD and Richard respectively each at "Diaries of a Hopeful Dad" and "The End of My Line?". While some (including at times myself) felt that this individual's comments tended to the acerbic (as opposed to honest and open discussion) I honestly believe this event is a loss.

While I disagreed with her methods I did not always disagree with her position or right to it. It was just her insistence that there can be no other answer. But I want to back off any criticism for the moment. My purpose is to state there is a need for contrary opinion. And no I am not looking for a kinder and gentler contrary opinion. And no I am not posting this as another method to tame the fire that is in this individual. What I want to make clear is that Donor Conception as a family creation method does have an impact beyond that of "treating" infertility, it does sever a connection between the conceived individual from their genetic past and because it does that the issues involved deserve discussion and reminders to ensure that we the parents who created these individuals are aware of the potential issues that our children may grapple with. To cry a mantra of openness without recognizing the possibility and reality of a downside to these methods of conception is turning a blind eye on the issue. At the same those experiencing losses should not be discounted but also those experiencing losses can not look down on those individuals who are not grieving as exceptions, oddities, liars, or brainwashed children.

Again I am not looking for this individual to re-enter the comment arena and blast out her opinions (on my blog, DD's or Richard's) without her recognizing that others are entitled to their own opinion but I do want to recognize her opinion as valid and that to not hear it is a loss. I encourage her to find a proper venue for that voice and to use that venue to promote meaningful dialogue where all sides to this puzzle can each look at the issues and present their views.

As noted above this blog was written a few days back on 3/10, since that time the individual referred to returned at least on this blog so its clear this "contrary" opinion has not disappeared as they had indicated they would. One additional note that while I do believe differing opinions are neccesary I do not intend to let my voice and this blog be a platform for those that offer no respect for opinions other than their own much less mine.

Anderson Cooper 360 Blog re Donor 401 Moms

I don't believe the CNN program by this name aired a televised story regarding the Fairfax Donor 401 Moms and their kids but this March 9, 2006 blog posting at last count had over 61 comments submitted in response. It's an interesting cross section of views pro and con on the topic from what appears to be everyday folks as opposed to some of the egghead think tank blogs out there that debate the topic. I believe there may have been at least one dad via DI in the mix of comments. Because the comments are include many from individual outside the DC / infertility community it makes it worthwhile to see what people think of this topic. Granted many are responding to the sensational aspect of one donor, 11 moms, and 20 kids.

Television Interviews: Sensationalism vs. Education

Throughout the last several months Donor Conception has been a hot topic for the print and television media. The television interviews I have seen all seem to sensationalize the topic and to push the point that the donors are the fathers (in the case of DI) pushing aside the social relationship of the donor conceived persons to their DI dads. Again I am not disputing the fact the donor is the biological parent to these individuals and children. But as much as biology is responsible for creating the individual, the love and years of caring and support given by the social parent helped mold the child into the adult they grow into (in addition to the donor's genetics).

Based on those actions the social parent should be the individual bestowed with the title Father or Dad, they earned it. While the donor is indispensable he will never be more than the biological creator unless the donor conceived person wants him to be more which is their right. For TV shows to keep pushing the term Father to represent the donor only contributes to the sensationalism these shows create showing the DC individuals as more oddities than individuals who are looking for answers.

It is my understanding that "The Big Idea" with Donny Deutsch has taped an episode that has either ran or is scheduled to run regarding donor conception. One of the guests is Rebecca Hamilton of New Zealand, whose documentary filmed search for her donor, helped end donor anonymity in her native country.

Ms. Hamilton on numerous occasions has made it clear that her social father was her dad and she is not looking to replace him nor is she looking to find her donor to request financial assistance or anything of that nature. According to a recent post (3/8 Message # 6328) by Ms. Hamilton, on the main DSR yahoo discussion groups, she felt she needed to clarify her own statements, made on "The Big Idea", regarding using DC to perhaps conceive her own children as she felt her own words may have been twisted or edited turning them to a different meaning. Such is the nature of these television shows that try to sensationalize this topic rather than adding to real discussion on this topic. I have not seen the episode so I can't say how the finished episode comes off and whether Mr. Deutsch's editors should be blamed or praised.

Taboos - A London Play About DI

"What do a pioneering West Coast urologist, a celebrated TV presenter, a hip, single San Francisco lawyer and a God–fearing, childless couple from the Southern American bible–belt have in common? They all want to be a parent."

I don’t usually do ads in this blog but this one involved the topic of donor conception. The theatre review linked above is in regards to a play at London’s The New End Theatre. It will run from Thursday, Feb 23 to Sunday, April 2, 2006. I am assuming the author is from the USA. If anyone sees it beyond the reviewer I am curious if it's any good.

The plot seems to mirror that of a recent musical dinner play titled "Infertility" that ran here in New York City which was reviewed by New York Magazine. It is no longer playing here in NYC but ran from October 2005 through Mid-February 2006. The full title and link to the official play website is "Infertility: The Musical That's Hard to Conceive". Perhaps the London production is the same show just transplanted across the "Pond" as the Brits call the Atlantic.

Tomorrow's Paper Today

One of my favorite shows has not been on Network TV for a while now but it's still available on cable. The show is Early Edition. It's that show where a man mysteriously receives tomorrow's paper a day early and he must use the paper to right specific wrongs or to save individuals from harm. It may be seen as a sappy concept show but it's one I bought into fully and one that I have loved for years. I think it was that cat that suckered me into loving the show. What is it that makes us want to watch stories where we know the hero will triumph at the end of an hour's worth of time yet we still sit captured by an impossible story. I can only guess it is our desire to know things will work out in the end.

Am I looking for a paper to say my children's lives will be OK? What parent isn't? Will it be challenging to help them along their appointed path? Of course. Will their lives be a bit more complicated than your average life. Yep. But we can always dream that maybe Gary Hobson's cat will happen by with that paper now and again to give us a few hints along the way. Just don't tell Chuck I have that paper.

Not an Oscar Picture: "Made in America"

I figured it's Oscar night so I should post something about the movies. Until I read Rel's blog I had forgotten about the Whoopie Goldberg / Ted Danson flick "Made in America" that was about donor conception.

Great film? Hardly, but it's the only movie I can recall that dealt with this topic comedically or otherwise. Are there others?

How "Not" to Tell Friends

Last weekend we had an impromptu playdate with friends across the street. While my son and his friend were playing on the floor, my friend T remarked how much my son looked like me. I turned to his wife R and asked if she ever told T. She replied that she had not. I had told R about two years ago, during another playdate, that my kids were donor conceived.

Now this is where the how not to tell part comes in. Rather than letting the resemblance comment go by and waiting for another time to explain how my kids we're created I went into it right there. What I should have realized is that by refuting the complimentary resemblance comment I may have embarrased T by going into it at that exact moment. I should have said a simple thank you and later mentioned to R that she should feel free to tell T. I haven't yet gotten the chance to apologize to T but I hope to soon.

Brown Hair

The other morning my wife commented on how our daughter's hair color matched our son's color. Hearing this our son stated "We match you Daddy not Mommy". Truth is my wife's color is a sort of brownish blond which I guess is properly termed an ash blonde I think. Anyhow before I could state that his hair could not match mine my wife stated how Daddy's hair is darker than his and his sister's to which he quickly replied "We match Mommy and not Daddy." Truer than he realizes.

Seeking Half Sibling & Donor Contact

I posted a question earlier this week on the DSR groups asking if there were any married heterosexual couples out there who had or we're looking to make contact with either their child's half siblings or even the donor. I got a number of responses personally and only one response posted to the discussion group. I asked my question as it appears that most of the "looking for contact" discussions posted on these sites are primarily posted by single mothers by choice or lesbian couples. So I wondered are we (my wife and I) one of the few hetero couples looking for contact with half siblings?

Turns out we are not but married heterosexual couples are in the minority (at least in the talking about it world). The reasons for this are, I expect, simple and what you would expect. I must admit I have no data to support this theory. Married hetero couples generally either hide this issue completely or while they may inform their child of their DI conception no additional thought is given to locating half siblings until the child is old enough to ask. Or they hear of the DSR through either news pieces or articles, become curious, and get the bug to learn more. We ourselves learned on the DSR through the Oprah episode forgot about it and then saw a repeat and joined the DSR that night. Again there are a number of hetero couples (mostly through the moms) who are on the groups discussing the topic but the vast numbers appear to be SMCs and lesbian moms.

I am betting the thought of locating and making contact with the donor would be a step too far for these families to contemplate and I must admit it is not something I would do without a good reason, namely the health of my kids being at issue. I would have to further guess that while many non-genetic dads like myself had issues (some limited some more) regarding using DI we are all uninterested or perhaps afraid to seek out the donor. Emotionally it is obvious that meeting the man whose genetic material did what we could not is a hard fact to get over. I have discussed in other posts about my reservations or perhaps fears of my role being supplanted by this individual if he were to enter the lives of my children. Granted most adult donor conceived persons go searching for their donors not to replace their DI Dads but to answer questions ranging from health, identity etc. But the possibility scares the hell out of this dad.

Lia recently posted a comment to one of my posts stating in effect that its amazing how DI created families go out of their way to locate half siblings and then treat these half siblings as family while at the same time those same families purposefuly avoid making contact with the donor in effect distancing the children from the donor despite the common blood lines. I am not disagreeing with Lia's conclusion but for a dad in my position the reasons are partially stated above why contact with the donor would not be made. Additional reasons include the belief that the donor wants no contact based on the anonymous nature of his agreement with the cryobank. Granted with donors that may have changed from their days of donating.

In addition families who used DI to conceive their kids did so for the fact that they did not want and continue to not want an additional party as part of their lives and the lives of their children. It is a selfish decision from the parent's perspective and does not consult the children created and I admit that up front. No comments are needed to confirm that fact. Choice moms are for the most part women who decided to raise their kids alone by design and accepted that as part of their planning. And yes they also may welcome another person into their family makeup at one point but that is a personal family by family decision (and more likely than not would not be the donor). At the point they made this decision it was based on those facts. For heterosexual couples we see the family makeup as set, one mommy and one daddy, and a third parent is not wanted or needed. For lesbian couples the reasoning, I suppose, is much the same and a combination of the prior two. Again all selfish reasons but they are the reasons I suppose.

I would like to see the married hetero families speak out more but the numbers reflect the fact that an increasing number of choice moms are choosing DI so it makes sene that they are the currently the most vocal group on the discusion groups and many boards out there. So in conclusion from my perspective I pretty much knew why married hetero couples would seek out half sibs and not seek out donors, but I was curious what responses I would get and to work it through myself.