DSR Storyline on ER TV Show

I just caught the following post on the DSR Yahoo Group about last night's episode of ER (on NBC) involving a sub plot involving the Donor Sibling Registry. My apologies to Carol and the DSR for copying Carol's plot synopsis.

--- Carol@... wrote:

Storyline is:

Archie Morris, the somewhat dorky red-headed chief resident of the ER, is hunted down in the ER by 4 semi-red-headed kids, ages about 11-15. (As a DI Mom,I kinda saw what happens next coming....all that redhair was too much). They explain to Dr. Morris that they all met through the DONOR SIBLING REGISTRY online and that one of the computer whiz kids was able to crack the sperm bank's computer system and find the name of their donor...Archibald Morris. Morris had donated as a med student from 1991-96 and these are the four kids (from different mothers) who are listed on the registry for the fictional Chicago Cryobank.

Morris is THRILLLED, falls right into the "daddy" role, and clearly forms a stronger attachment to the kids than vice versa. He takes them on a tour of the ER, introducing them to the gang as his family. He has already picked up on each kid's specialness, obviously excited at this new-found role as parent.

When the oldest, a teenage girl who stole her Mom's car to drive them to the hospital, announces that it's time to go, Morris seems upset at the abrupt parting and asks about continuing the relationship, going for burgers, etc. The girl says "we'll see".

Later on we see Morris, nose into his computer, printing up the photo one of the staff took of him with the offspring. He tells a fellow doctor that "this is the one for my Christmas card".

I thought it was good publicity. They mentioned the DRS in its complete title and more or less gave the info on how the site works. The script made it clear that the kids found each other online, but found the Dad only through one of them being able to hack into a website. They showed a civil meeting between the donor and the kids, a reunion that has a happy ending.

If only all the matches ended up this nicely!

Carol

--- End forwarded message ---

New Consumer Model - Infertility Cartoon

I was browsing a few of the blogs I keep up with and read a post on A Dad Someday where he discusses a cartoon blog titled "New Consumer Model". After reading the post I linked over and found that the blog is not solely devoted to only infertility but various issues and thoughts of the artist Cameron. Today's cartoon, titled "Seaweed", nailed what it feels like when friends announce they are pregnant and you have been trying unsuccessfully.

Other cartoons drawn by the artist dealing with infertilty are titled as follows: "Preg Test Buy"; "Bed Estranged"; "Ultrasound"; "Found Pregnancy Test"; and "Pregnancy-Test". They probably should be viewed in reverse order but this is how I transcribed them.

3/26 - I removed the individual links to these cartoons as they appear to have changed as the artist/bloggist does not have perma links set up for each of his drawings. As I previously stated look for the cartoons based on the titles provided above.

The Differing Roles of Fatherhood - Part 1

Following the 60 Minutes segment a number of posts were made to the Yahoo Discussion Group SpermDonors the following is an edited version of the first message I posted there:

I have been following [the] thread dealing with the 60 Minutes segment and the use of terminology and the level of dettachment that Donor 48QAH exhibited and I wanted to throw another DI / Social Dad's comments into the mix.

I have never denied that the donor is the biological father nor would I to my children when they are old enough to more fully comprehend their conception. The older one does know a donor helped create him along with his mommy as I could not. Yes this sounds like the stat mantra kids are told but it is the beginning. I feel to explain more to a four year old may confuse him at this point.

Under normal conditions a father is both the biological and the social we all know that. Under conditions where DI is used those roles are split into two creating that split in identity that my children will have to deal with. It wasn't my intent as I have described numerous times on these boards and in my blog etc. To my children as they grow into adulthood there will always be two fathers perhaps but at the young ages (and I would expect the experts would agree) that this concept should be introduced slowly to ensure true comprehension. Until that point my kids know me as their sole father.

My only knowledge of the donor's intent to NOT be a social father is via the vials we purchased and that his sperm was being marketed as an anonymous donor when our bank offered both anonymous and open. Yes I acknowlege in the years since those donations his wishes may have changed.

My point, and I apologize for the rambling before making it, is that the kids will each decide to what degree they want a relationship to the donor and in what form. To blanketly assign the donor the role of the sole father (based only on the truth of biology) does the social fathers an injustice and only creates scenarios where these men become defensive and less likely to help their DI kids along their path in addressing these issues. My job and responsibility as I see it, based on my and my wife's choice / decision to use DI, is to help them in whatever paths they choose...whether they seek a relationship with the donor or not.

I hope this makes sense.

Baby Books....Mommy, Daddy, Donor...

My wife has been on my case to write in the baby books for our kids. She wants me to take a break from this blog to spend quality time with a pen and paper. I never seem to get to it. I think it’s the pen and paper aspect of it. If I don't start writing she will kill me as our older child is about to turn 4 and the younger is nearly 2. Now I should tell you that my wife has also been bad about making entries and only recently began adding info so we missed what date both kids first smiled etc among other facts looking for hard dates.

I did take some time the other night to peruse through what she has written. Mostly standard stuff. I did note that their conception story is noted in at least one of the two books that a donor was used and I believe she noted his number and the cryobank. In addition in one of the books we have copies of the beginning emails between us and the mom of their half sibling. I need to append all the donor info we have. I already have copies of it all in our safe deposit box in the same folder as our other family history / genealogy original documents.

I wonder if I can market a new line of baby books…..standard, two mommies, two daddies, choice mom, and standard along with the donor addendum pages. Hey electric light started as a joke too.

What Did This DI Dad Blog Do Right?

Over the last few days this blog's hits have exploded. As you can see above the hits kept coming at a level I have not seen before.

I can only guess it has to do with the search terms associated with the DSR via the 60 Minutes segment, the NY Times Mag piece and the posts regarding the Donor 401 moms based on the info accumulated as statcounter. Until this past week I averaged about 50-60 hits per day. To finish up a single week with these numbers is wild (at least to me).

For those of you that happened by for the first time I hope you will visit periodically and see what this DI Dad is thinking. If you have any comments or questions feel free to post them.

Link to 60 Minutes Transcript

CBS News: 60 Minutes
Sperm Donor Siblings Find Family Ties
March 19, 2006
Thousands of babies are born each year in the United States to mothers who used sperm from anonymous donors. As correspondent Steve Kroft reports, the children and their mothers are now using the Web to track down their "donor siblings."

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/03/17/60minutes/main1414965.shtml

My Reactions to March 19, 2006

Today was certainly one of the biggest media days for the topic of donor conception I can recall.

60 Minutes

This evening 60 Minutes ran a clean non sensationalistic piece about DI and retained in my mind why they are still one of the best at long format news pieces. I myself did not learn a lot of new facts out of tonight but I did not expect to. Tonight was another opportunity for the Donor Sibling Registry to shine and Wendy and Ryan Kramer to be congratulated for representing us well.

My hopes for stories such as these are for more families to become open and public so that the kids will more fully understand the love that brought them into the world. Did tonight get into any of the hard issues? No. Did I expect it to? No. These last few months DI has been the poster child of a clean, happy, easy story for the networks to run. Most have strayed into the sensationalistic but in each case the exposure has brought more families to the DSR and that is a positive step. Still I hope for stories to address the needs and concerns of the married heterosexual couples.

New York Times Magazine

As I stated in my post of last night as an empty "cannister" I can only say that DI brought us two wonderful kids who I love to death. What I got out of the article was a deeper appreciation for what many SMCs / Choice Moms go through to start their families. Most of the story I was familiar with. I know what we went through and I can't imagine doing it all as a single individual.

Again I watch each of these media pieces and feel that the opinions and feelings of men like myself, the DI Dads, are treated as inconsequential to the larger story and that is unfortunate as we are raising these children, our children, and until our stories are told a part of the long thought of stigmas remain and the heterosexual couples who use DI will remain in the closet.

Looking for Mr. Good Sperm ( NY Times Mag. 3/19 Sunday)

This is a mammoth article in length about the Choice Mom experience. The cover shot of the Magazine you have to admit is amazing. Not so much from the DI Dads point of view but it sums it up if you are a SMC. The article itself, published tomorrow 3/19, is titled "Wanted: A Few Good Sperm" as was written by Jennifer Egan. To link to a larger version of the cover shot link through the post title. You almost have to in order to truly appreciate the photo and the look on the woman's face.

Terminology is an amazing thing as the article when it begins to skip into the back of the magazine is referenced as "Donor Dads" which biologically is correct but is anything but what the average SMC is then looking for as I understand it. My wife joked around that the article and magazine cover show just how much worth a man is ...just a biological neccessity and no more. A quote in the article refers to a woman carrying a cannister of sperm and then realizing when she is on the street that all she sees is other cannisters of sperm but the ones on the street have two legs. Marginalization at its most potent. Yet I am an empty cannister who has benefited from this industry as we have two beautiful kids and who am I to complain.

Don't forget to watch "60 Minutes" Sunday night, March 19th, as where the NY Times article begins the story Steve Kroft's piece will detail the result of using Donor Insemination by interviewing the 5 Denver teenagers who are all half siblings and found each other via the Donor Sibling Registry. The promos hint that the investigative news crew went looking for and found either their donor or the donor of another set of individuals interviewed.

Media Update: Sun. 3/19 "60 Minutes Promo"

Per their website:

CBS News/60 Minutes/Up Next/Sunday, Mar. 19, 2006: FAMILY TIES – Fertility science techniques like anonymous sperm donation are creating some extended families that before now, would never meet. But today, with the help of a Web site, "donor siblings" are not only meeting each other, but their anonymous fathers, too. Steve Kroft reports. Mitch Weitzner is the producer.

What Biology Can Do....

Anyone that has seen the few televised news pieces about the Fairfax Donor 401 moms and their kids has to be amazed at the physical similiarities between all the kids. This morning I actually for the first time put on my computer screen three pictures: my own two kids together, a picture of their only known half sibling and lastly the toddler picture I have of their donor. All I can say is….Wow. In the past my wife and I had only looked at the half sibling photos together but I had never looked at all three photos at once.

The similarities between my older child and his half sibling alone are something to see. I thought it was just me but when a co-worker who knows of my children's conception method saw the photos she was amazed. [My door was open - I did not invite the office in for a comparison test.] She actually thought the donor's photo might be a brother to the half sibling. Again amazing stuff.

Egg Donor U

The Today show ran a piece this morning on egg donors and the efforts on campuses to recruit them. It discussed the advertisements, the fees paid (higher amounts for ethnicities in demand) and that the fees are “not for the eggs” but for the time, expenses, and effort. Jamie Grifo from NYU med ctr was there as the medical side of it. There was a piece a while back about an offer for a Harvard donee to be paid $50,000. Crazy stuff. If you run a search on google many many articles / sites come up. More than DI it appears.

I have not followed many Egg Donor blogs but the one I know that had a lot of good resources linked to it is Hard Boiled: A Donor Egg Blog. I am not sure how this family found the eggs they used as it's been a while since I have read through their blog. But I do recall that it's worth checking out.

At What Age Should They Hear His Voice ....and Maybe I Need a Break

My wife recently mentioned that she expects to let the kids listen to their donor's voice when they ask about it. No set age but just when they ask about it. I am not sure how I feel about that. It was enough for me to get myself to listen to his voice much less think about their listening to the CD.

It seems to me that all these discussions come down to a threat level. Of course it is unfounded but human reactions are not always rational. Perhaps I should modify the Government terrorist index to create a DI Dads threat level. That would make an interesting poll to post on the yahoo group.

I am not surprised that the overriding theme to such discussions is the level of threat they result in. When it was mentioned in the comments that I am obviously having issues with my status as dad it was no surprise to me. The writer of that comment seemed to think she was telling me something I was not already aware of. On a day to day basis playing or raising my kids I am absolutely fine. But creating this blog and the belief that to keep it alive one must publish (or perish) keeps the issue in my mind perhaps more often than is healthy and that is beginning to make me wonder if I should pull back a bit. Maybe just post once a week except for related news alerts etc.

I am getting off topic. I had not thought of an actual age but I suppose I had thought when they were teenagers (or at least 12) if I would have to pick an age. But that seems to long away now. Certainly letting them hear it now or even in the next 5 years would I think be too confusing to them.

Media Alert: Sun. Mar. 19th: (1) 60 Minutes (2) NY Times Magazine Article

This Sunday 3/19/2006 two separate pieces are being run in the media regarding Donor Conception specifically addressing Donor Insemination.

(1) CBS News program "60 Minutes"

Steve Kroft is doing a piece that will involve or touch upon the Donor SiblingRegistry. This news segment was filmed over a month ago and has been highly anticipated to see what the focus will be. Over the last few weeks the program has run each week a segment on health and reproductive issues.

(2) New York Times Magazine

According to reports I have seen from Wendy Kramer the article is expected to focus on Single Mothers by Choice and again mention the DSR.

This evening 3/14/06 the Anderson Cooper 360 news magazine on CNN ran the piece on the Fairfax Donor 401 moms and their DI conceived kids.

As always these news pieces seem to ignore our story, that of the dads, who wanted kids as much as the moms. All of the stories seem to focus first on the single women or lesbian couples. If a heterosexual couple is part of the piece you almost never see the dad. Perhaps the 60 Minutes piece will do more than I expect. But I doubt it.

DadBloggers - A Community of Dads

Just like the Mommy Blogs there are numerous daddy blogs. Some by SAHDs others by working dads with varying perspectives and thoughts willing to share. Most parent blogs maintain blogrolls of other like sites.

I have been invited to join DadBloggers. This is one of the few multi dad created and written sites I have seen out on the Web. My favorite dad blog to date has been DadTalk which is primarily written by one man. It is definitely worth checking out and his blog was voted third in the Best in Blog awards this year. In contrast, DadBloggers has a number of contributing Dads who each write on average one to two submissions per month.

The reader automatically gets to see a diverse view of topics and thoughts presented by the diffferent dads. I don't know if the invitation will result in my being accepted as a new contributor yet but I definitely encourage the dads out there to check out this site at www.DadBloggers.com.

William's Doll

There currently is a thread of messages going through the Yahoo DSR_Discussion group regarding Women (SMCs or Lesbian Couples) raising sons alone. The consensus seems to be running along the lines that many of the women have friends or family that would fill the male role model position where there is no father (in this case by choice). There were a few wild comments that if a boy was wearing mom's shoes and enjoying it that usually there would be a dad in a traditional family to provide a re-direct into more traditional roles which I found a bit overprotective.

My own kids (a boy, 4, and a girl, 2) both love pushing strollers with babies in them and both love playing with the large dollhouse that sits at their cousin's house (who are both girls). My son will occasionally sit down and "feed" his sister's babies and is generally very protective of his own stuffed animals very often assigning each a mommy animal. Do I make it a point to re-direct him after seeing him participate in these activities? No, I do not.

Whenever I hear this topic and especially regarding parent's fears of boys playing with dolls I immediately go back in time to when I first heard the song "William's Doll" from the Marlo Thomas and Friend's album "Free to Be You and Me". That whole album was great in that it made it clear that kids and anybody should be allowed to be themselves and that role models did not necessarily have to fit stereotypes. I still can hear Marlo and Alan Alda singing that song and the lyrics say it all:

ARTIST: Mary Rodgers and Sheldon Harnick
TITLE: William's Doll

[Adapted from the book "William's Doll" copyright 1972 by Charlotte Zolotow. By permission of Harper & Row. Performed by Alan Alda and Marlo Thomas]

When my friend William was five years old
He wanted a doll, to hug and hold
"A doll," said William, "is what I need
To wash and clean, and dress and feed

"A Doll to give a bottle to
And put to bed when day is through
And any time my doll gets ill
I'll take good care of it," said my friend Bill

A doll, a doll, William wants a doll
Don't be a sissy said his best friend Ed
Why should a boy want to play with a doll
Dolls are for girls said his cousin Fred
Don't be a jerk, said his older brother
"I know what to do," said his father to his mother

So his father bought him a basketball
A badminton set, and that's not all
A bag of marbles, a baseball glove
And all the things a boy would love

And Bill was good at every game
Enjoyed them all, but all the same
When Billy's father praised his skill
"Can I please have a doll now," said my friend Bill

A doll, a doll, William wants a doll
A doll, a doll, William wants a doll

Then William's grandma arrived one day
And wanted to know what he liked to play
And Bill said, "Baseball's my favorite game
I like to play, but all the same

"I'd give my bat and ball and glove
To have a doll that I could love"
"How very wise," his grandma said
Said Bill, "but everyone says this instead"

A doll, a doll, William wants a doll
A doll, a doll, William wants a doll

So William's grandma, as I've been told
Bought William a doll, to hug and hold
And William's father began to frown
But grandma smiled, and calmed him down

Explaining, William wants a doll
So when he has a baby someday
He'll know how to dress it, put diapers on double
And gently caress it to bring up a bubble
And care for his baby as every good father
Should learn to do

William has a doll, William has a doll
'Cause someday he is gonna be a father, too

The Need for Contrary Opinion

Please note that this blog was written a few days under a then understood set of facts. At the close of this post will be an update...

Something happened yesterday afternoon (3/9?) which I actually did not intend. There are always at least two sides to every story. There are those who would directly oppose each other's opinion and then in between individuals with varying degrees of acceptance, support and disagreement. Yesterday a member of Tangled Webs who has posted comments here quite often (at least recently) stated she would no longer be posting on "these blogs". By these blogs I took it to mean this one, and those of DD and Richard respectively each at "Diaries of a Hopeful Dad" and "The End of My Line?". While some (including at times myself) felt that this individual's comments tended to the acerbic (as opposed to honest and open discussion) I honestly believe this event is a loss.

While I disagreed with her methods I did not always disagree with her position or right to it. It was just her insistence that there can be no other answer. But I want to back off any criticism for the moment. My purpose is to state there is a need for contrary opinion. And no I am not looking for a kinder and gentler contrary opinion. And no I am not posting this as another method to tame the fire that is in this individual. What I want to make clear is that Donor Conception as a family creation method does have an impact beyond that of "treating" infertility, it does sever a connection between the conceived individual from their genetic past and because it does that the issues involved deserve discussion and reminders to ensure that we the parents who created these individuals are aware of the potential issues that our children may grapple with. To cry a mantra of openness without recognizing the possibility and reality of a downside to these methods of conception is turning a blind eye on the issue. At the same those experiencing losses should not be discounted but also those experiencing losses can not look down on those individuals who are not grieving as exceptions, oddities, liars, or brainwashed children.

Again I am not looking for this individual to re-enter the comment arena and blast out her opinions (on my blog, DD's or Richard's) without her recognizing that others are entitled to their own opinion but I do want to recognize her opinion as valid and that to not hear it is a loss. I encourage her to find a proper venue for that voice and to use that venue to promote meaningful dialogue where all sides to this puzzle can each look at the issues and present their views.

As noted above this blog was written a few days back on 3/10, since that time the individual referred to returned at least on this blog so its clear this "contrary" opinion has not disappeared as they had indicated they would. One additional note that while I do believe differing opinions are neccesary I do not intend to let my voice and this blog be a platform for those that offer no respect for opinions other than their own much less mine.

Anderson Cooper 360 Blog re Donor 401 Moms

I don't believe the CNN program by this name aired a televised story regarding the Fairfax Donor 401 Moms and their kids but this March 9, 2006 blog posting at last count had over 61 comments submitted in response. It's an interesting cross section of views pro and con on the topic from what appears to be everyday folks as opposed to some of the egghead think tank blogs out there that debate the topic. I believe there may have been at least one dad via DI in the mix of comments. Because the comments are include many from individual outside the DC / infertility community it makes it worthwhile to see what people think of this topic. Granted many are responding to the sensational aspect of one donor, 11 moms, and 20 kids.

Television Interviews: Sensationalism vs. Education

Throughout the last several months Donor Conception has been a hot topic for the print and television media. The television interviews I have seen all seem to sensationalize the topic and to push the point that the donors are the fathers (in the case of DI) pushing aside the social relationship of the donor conceived persons to their DI dads. Again I am not disputing the fact the donor is the biological parent to these individuals and children. But as much as biology is responsible for creating the individual, the love and years of caring and support given by the social parent helped mold the child into the adult they grow into (in addition to the donor's genetics).

Based on those actions the social parent should be the individual bestowed with the title Father or Dad, they earned it. While the donor is indispensable he will never be more than the biological creator unless the donor conceived person wants him to be more which is their right. For TV shows to keep pushing the term Father to represent the donor only contributes to the sensationalism these shows create showing the DC individuals as more oddities than individuals who are looking for answers.

It is my understanding that "The Big Idea" with Donny Deutsch has taped an episode that has either ran or is scheduled to run regarding donor conception. One of the guests is Rebecca Hamilton of New Zealand, whose documentary filmed search for her donor, helped end donor anonymity in her native country.

Ms. Hamilton on numerous occasions has made it clear that her social father was her dad and she is not looking to replace him nor is she looking to find her donor to request financial assistance or anything of that nature. According to a recent post (3/8 Message # 6328) by Ms. Hamilton, on the main DSR yahoo discussion groups, she felt she needed to clarify her own statements, made on "The Big Idea", regarding using DC to perhaps conceive her own children as she felt her own words may have been twisted or edited turning them to a different meaning. Such is the nature of these television shows that try to sensationalize this topic rather than adding to real discussion on this topic. I have not seen the episode so I can't say how the finished episode comes off and whether Mr. Deutsch's editors should be blamed or praised.

Taboos - A London Play About DI

"What do a pioneering West Coast urologist, a celebrated TV presenter, a hip, single San Francisco lawyer and a God–fearing, childless couple from the Southern American bible–belt have in common? They all want to be a parent."

I don’t usually do ads in this blog but this one involved the topic of donor conception. The theatre review linked above is in regards to a play at London’s The New End Theatre. It will run from Thursday, Feb 23 to Sunday, April 2, 2006. I am assuming the author is from the USA. If anyone sees it beyond the reviewer I am curious if it's any good.

The plot seems to mirror that of a recent musical dinner play titled "Infertility" that ran here in New York City which was reviewed by New York Magazine. It is no longer playing here in NYC but ran from October 2005 through Mid-February 2006. The full title and link to the official play website is "Infertility: The Musical That's Hard to Conceive". Perhaps the London production is the same show just transplanted across the "Pond" as the Brits call the Atlantic.

Tomorrow's Paper Today

One of my favorite shows has not been on Network TV for a while now but it's still available on cable. The show is Early Edition. It's that show where a man mysteriously receives tomorrow's paper a day early and he must use the paper to right specific wrongs or to save individuals from harm. It may be seen as a sappy concept show but it's one I bought into fully and one that I have loved for years. I think it was that cat that suckered me into loving the show. What is it that makes us want to watch stories where we know the hero will triumph at the end of an hour's worth of time yet we still sit captured by an impossible story. I can only guess it is our desire to know things will work out in the end.

Am I looking for a paper to say my children's lives will be OK? What parent isn't? Will it be challenging to help them along their appointed path? Of course. Will their lives be a bit more complicated than your average life. Yep. But we can always dream that maybe Gary Hobson's cat will happen by with that paper now and again to give us a few hints along the way. Just don't tell Chuck I have that paper.

Not an Oscar Picture: "Made in America"

I figured it's Oscar night so I should post something about the movies. Until I read Rel's blog I had forgotten about the Whoopie Goldberg / Ted Danson flick "Made in America" that was about donor conception.

Great film? Hardly, but it's the only movie I can recall that dealt with this topic comedically or otherwise. Are there others?

How "Not" to Tell Friends

Last weekend we had an impromptu playdate with friends across the street. While my son and his friend were playing on the floor, my friend T remarked how much my son looked like me. I turned to his wife R and asked if she ever told T. She replied that she had not. I had told R about two years ago, during another playdate, that my kids were donor conceived.

Now this is where the how not to tell part comes in. Rather than letting the resemblance comment go by and waiting for another time to explain how my kids we're created I went into it right there. What I should have realized is that by refuting the complimentary resemblance comment I may have embarrased T by going into it at that exact moment. I should have said a simple thank you and later mentioned to R that she should feel free to tell T. I haven't yet gotten the chance to apologize to T but I hope to soon.

Brown Hair

The other morning my wife commented on how our daughter's hair color matched our son's color. Hearing this our son stated "We match you Daddy not Mommy". Truth is my wife's color is a sort of brownish blond which I guess is properly termed an ash blonde I think. Anyhow before I could state that his hair could not match mine my wife stated how Daddy's hair is darker than his and his sister's to which he quickly replied "We match Mommy and not Daddy." Truer than he realizes.

Seeking Half Sibling & Donor Contact

I posted a question earlier this week on the DSR groups asking if there were any married heterosexual couples out there who had or we're looking to make contact with either their child's half siblings or even the donor. I got a number of responses personally and only one response posted to the discussion group. I asked my question as it appears that most of the "looking for contact" discussions posted on these sites are primarily posted by single mothers by choice or lesbian couples. So I wondered are we (my wife and I) one of the few hetero couples looking for contact with half siblings?

Turns out we are not but married heterosexual couples are in the minority (at least in the talking about it world). The reasons for this are, I expect, simple and what you would expect. I must admit I have no data to support this theory. Married hetero couples generally either hide this issue completely or while they may inform their child of their DI conception no additional thought is given to locating half siblings until the child is old enough to ask. Or they hear of the DSR through either news pieces or articles, become curious, and get the bug to learn more. We ourselves learned on the DSR through the Oprah episode forgot about it and then saw a repeat and joined the DSR that night. Again there are a number of hetero couples (mostly through the moms) who are on the groups discussing the topic but the vast numbers appear to be SMCs and lesbian moms.

I am betting the thought of locating and making contact with the donor would be a step too far for these families to contemplate and I must admit it is not something I would do without a good reason, namely the health of my kids being at issue. I would have to further guess that while many non-genetic dads like myself had issues (some limited some more) regarding using DI we are all uninterested or perhaps afraid to seek out the donor. Emotionally it is obvious that meeting the man whose genetic material did what we could not is a hard fact to get over. I have discussed in other posts about my reservations or perhaps fears of my role being supplanted by this individual if he were to enter the lives of my children. Granted most adult donor conceived persons go searching for their donors not to replace their DI Dads but to answer questions ranging from health, identity etc. But the possibility scares the hell out of this dad.

Lia recently posted a comment to one of my posts stating in effect that its amazing how DI created families go out of their way to locate half siblings and then treat these half siblings as family while at the same time those same families purposefuly avoid making contact with the donor in effect distancing the children from the donor despite the common blood lines. I am not disagreeing with Lia's conclusion but for a dad in my position the reasons are partially stated above why contact with the donor would not be made. Additional reasons include the belief that the donor wants no contact based on the anonymous nature of his agreement with the cryobank. Granted with donors that may have changed from their days of donating.

In addition families who used DI to conceive their kids did so for the fact that they did not want and continue to not want an additional party as part of their lives and the lives of their children. It is a selfish decision from the parent's perspective and does not consult the children created and I admit that up front. No comments are needed to confirm that fact. Choice moms are for the most part women who decided to raise their kids alone by design and accepted that as part of their planning. And yes they also may welcome another person into their family makeup at one point but that is a personal family by family decision (and more likely than not would not be the donor). At the point they made this decision it was based on those facts. For heterosexual couples we see the family makeup as set, one mommy and one daddy, and a third parent is not wanted or needed. For lesbian couples the reasoning, I suppose, is much the same and a combination of the prior two. Again all selfish reasons but they are the reasons I suppose.

I would like to see the married hetero families speak out more but the numbers reflect the fact that an increasing number of choice moms are choosing DI so it makes sene that they are the currently the most vocal group on the discusion groups and many boards out there. So in conclusion from my perspective I pretty much knew why married hetero couples would seek out half sibs and not seek out donors, but I was curious what responses I would get and to work it through myself.

Recent DC Related News Stories 2/15-2/28

An Economist Examines the Business of Fertility

A Conversation With Debora Spar
New York Times
Tuesday, February 28, 2006

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/02/28/health/28conv.html

Multiple Single Moms, One Nameless Donor

By Lois Romano
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, February 27, 2006; Page A02

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/02/26/AR2006022601095.html

Internet Connects Sperm Donors With Offspring
Web Raises Privacy Questions

WCVB-TV Boston, Channel 5
Posted: 11:42 am EST February 15, 2006
Updated: 12:53 pm EST February 15, 2006

http://www.thebostonchannel.com/news/7081466/detail.html

Genealogy and Anonymous Donors

On Saturday night we watched an amazing special on PBS focusing on genealogy and African-Americans. And once again my thoughts turned to my children and what their desires will be in this area and obviously the fact that half of their past is cut off to them. As I have stated in past blogs the personal and family history we have from the cryobank is quite rich compared to others out there. In my recent post I talk about grafted family trees and that is one avenue how this topic will be addressed. What prompted this post was my wife's question as to what happens to the donors records upon his death and would the cryobank release his name and info.

My reponse was simply No. And the reason is quite obvious: How would they know that he has died? This puts aside the obvious that the agreement between donor and bank was one probably drafted as anonymous into perpetuity. Unless this donor made special arrangements to release his info at death and he took steps to ensure the bank is so notified how would they know.

Identity release programs are a whole topic unto themselves. We know our donor was not part of any such program. We also know current attempts by the cryobank to contact him (re lifetime photo series) have gone out with no responses to the cryobank. So its unlikely any death based info will surface.

It becomes evident to me that for some African Americans they have better odds at tracking their past into Slavery era records than my kids do regarding learning the names of their donors own parents and his own name. The genealogist in me finds that sad. The DI Dad in me concurrently recognizes the loss.

The Need for Laughter

We all need to laugh and to kick back as life is way to short. My heart scare a few weeks back certainly should make me remember the need to laugh and relax.

The online world of donor conception can get too serious. My previous blog post is a prime example. So whether you are pro or con take a minute to kick back and surf the Internet for topics other than DC issues. If this blog or others brings up something that makes you smile or laugh please let the blogger know. Chances are they need the laugh as much as you do. I know I'd appreciate it.

A Call for Decorum in the DC Comment Wars

Since I started this blog and enabled comments I have received numerous posts of support but I have also received a number of comments contradicting my own view which on occasion have come close to or crossed the line into something more angry. Marty, you have to agree some of the exchanges were too much. Comments can be a great tool to elicit further discussion if decorum is followed.

Currently across this blog and the blogs of DD and Richard (both TTC DI blogs) there exists an unspoken war of words regarding positions on donor conception. Now some of the exchanges are instructive and some are just expositions on positions because they can (due to the blogger's
allowing comments). In this manner the warring comments do not result in genuine discussion but have evolved into attacks.

I ask now the following of the members of TW who are placing their commments on these DI blogs to take a step back for a moment and consider the following. Each of these DI blogs has been started by individuals looking to explore and share their journey through their decisions to use DI and yes by allowing comments they are inviting responses not attacks. Comments must be civil or the blogger will close this avenue to you. Yes, Lia, I understand that part of what is needed is that donor conceived persons are asking for VALIDATION that what they are experiencing is true loss and separation. I have given that and I expect to do so more over the years but for others to do that they cannot feel that they are being attacked. Individuals who are directly forced into defensive postures are harder pressed to feel empathy for their attackers much less validation.

Michael, you have started DA-DI and the TW blog bulletin board, use them to voice your views. If the positions are reasonably argued and put forth they shall be linked to by others as examples of contradicting opinions. So far the DA-DI blog has been used in a limited fashion. Yes the posts have been quite compeling but have you seen these TTC bloggers go out of their way to purposefully harrass your posts, no they have not and I don't expect they will as that is not a valuable exchange if it is met only with hostility and not meaningful dialogue. Yes if you give the
chance to these men they I expect they will get into more of the deep dialogue but not from a defensive position.

DD's comment regarding Aussies was meant as a light hearted response to my query nothing more. His intent was not meant to demean Rel's experience from what I saw. The response received was totally disproportionate to its intent. Rel's reply was perfect and it played off of DD's terminology.

Those that have read my posts here and on the Donor Misconception yahoo group know I give the DC persons a fair shake. This has been demonstrated by my posting about new blogs and other pertinent info that makes sense for me to comment on. I have demonstrated that on various other yahoo groups as well. Lia, thank you fo the acknowledgement. Its no secret in the donor conception community that it is my goal to start, from here in the US, a new organization that as part of its purpose is to help and support not only those affected by DC (parents, dc persons, and donors) but the organizations themselves. I want to create a central portal where not only support can be provided and links to our representative orgs but a forum where articles and stories can be told from all sides of the equation. What I don't want and nor will I be part of is a forum where attacks are standard and participants go out of their way to harrass or flood out another individual's opinion.

My concern is that currently through these DI blogs, which are honestly written and put forth, all that I have described above as destructive to rational discussion is occuring and must stop. So again I call for decorum in these comment wars and a call for each party to use what resources you have (your own and other related blogs) otherwise opportunities to be part of larger discussions will not available as no one knowingly enters a party where they know that others are there only to attack them. Validation and empathy must occur before active support but nothing begins from a position of distrust.

By the way please notice this post has no comments section. If you have something to say in response please post it on your own blog as we all need to take a break for a moment. Feel free to link your blog to this post as the backlink will be available below for others to see your own post.

http://di-dad.blogspot.com/2006/02/call-for-decorum-in-dc-comment-wars_24.html

-------------------------------------------------

Sent by Eric Schwartzman Wireless Blackberry

(1) IVF and ICSI (2) Donor T5's Daughter

IVF and ICSI

Over the last several months I have seen numerous TTC blogs written by women and I have begun to see a few written by men (and later discussed here). I know of one couple who each maintain their own separate blogs and today I write here about the only joint husband and wife TTC blog I have seen. It should be noted this is not a DC TTC blog. Depending on the day you don’t know if the blogger will be either Paul or Lisa or maybe separate entries from both. It allows the reader to see both views of infertility (via MFI) in one location and to see how they are jointly handling their journey.

Who do you think you are? She’s T5’s daughter.

At only two posts old this blog is brand spanking new. It’s creation was well thought out as it clearly states its position (against DI) based on the numerous information and organizational links in its sidebar announcing it as a blog written by a donor conceived person (from Australia) announcing to the world that her creation via DI has profoundly affected who she is.

Is it me or does it seem that the majority of DI blogs I find are outside the US and at the moment concentrated in Australia?

Do Souls Transcend the Body?

Are people fated to be together? Some people believe that they have soulmates waiting out there for them to love. If so why shouldn't that concept be applicable also between parents and children?

I never really believed in the whole fate concept or soulmates. But after meeting and falling in love with my wife I began to wonder. Had I not been at a particular place and time we would never have met and eventually had these children.

There are those that believe that upon birth G-d bestows our soul upon us. If that is so, then while the genetics that created my kids are from the donor their souls are from G-d and if you believe in fate their souls were fated to be brought to Earth as our children. I'd like to believe this is true.

Father to Son: No Kissing Whole or Half Siblings on the Mouth

Little children see their parents and learn that they the parents are married and then sometimes apply the concepts to their siblings. My own son has said on occasion that when he grows up he'll marry his younger sister because he loves her. It's all cute and then you explain that siblings don't marry each other and you laugh it off.

We had another laugh when we had to explain that parents can kiss each other on the lips but children generally only kiss parents and siblings on the cheek (putting aside Angelina Jolie at awards ceremonies). The silly joke was when I stated "there is no kissing whole or half siblings on the lips." Only my wife and I laughed as the kids had no idea what I had said. Just another facet of being a DI parent where normal stuff has an added twist. You had to be there.

Many Articles: But To What Result?

In the past several months the topic of donor conception has appeared 3 times in the NY Times (twice on its cover page) as well as being featured in national news and other magazines as well as on a few cable news shows. But to what purpose? Are we being used to satisfy a human interest quota of columnar inches in these publications?

Certainly there is a fluff piece factor but anytime our stories get out and people hear them I propose that these issues will become more mainstream topics of discussion (if not practice) and perhaps we can have greater leverage for increased regulation or at least attention to issues warranting greater review and monitoring.

Should we proactively try to put our stories out there? I believe so if the facts call for it. Certainly the issues surrounding the Mom fighting NECC are worthy of discussion as are the issues of other such cases. Recently a few other donor health screening issue cases were being discussed on the DSR yahoo groups that would merit further media attention.

On a lighter media note the March 2006 issue of Teen Vogue has been on the news stands are includes a short article / interview with the 5 Colorado teens (across three famlies) who discovered they are all half siblings. Their story has been made public before but the format of the interview is relaxed and the kids seem very at ease with their conception and happy at their expanded family as they already see each other as just that family.

The Symbolism and Truth of Names

Tonight on the DSR Yahoo Group a woman named “L” whose DI daughter “M” is approaching her Bat Mitzvah posted a message regarding how her daughter should be named when she is called before the Torah. Jewish naming traditions include not only the individual’s given name but the name of their parents including the father’s tribal status. I have discussed the issue of tribal status in previous posts.

When my wife converted to Judaism years ago and she picked her Hebrew name she chose "Ruth" so her full name became Ruth daughter of Abraham and Sarah signifying her entrance into Judaism as evidenced as her symbolically being named as the daughter of the first Jews. In Hebrew Natan (or Nathan) means a gift. This mother and daughter have come to refer to their donor as Natan the giver of life. To honor the donor and the circumstances of M’s birth her mom has proposed naming M at least for ritual purposes as “M” daughter of Natan and “L”. Symbolically I think this is a great choice and perhaps other Jewish mothers by choice would consider the symbolism as well. A variant of Natan is Netanel, which means a gift of G-d.

Regarding our request of the cryobank we have not heard anything regarding their search for our donor to even ask our question of his tribal status.

Why My Wife Agreed to DI

Our first experience with DI was to simply have it as a backup when we attempted each of our IVF / ICSI cycles. My wife had been against using donor sperm for the reasons couples do including the yuk factor of having someone else's seed in her etc. We were lucky that during these IVF/ICSI cycles the testicular biopsies I underwent yielded usable sperm which allowed us to create viable embryos. Unfortunately none ever took.

My wife at this point reconsidered using DI as our prime method of creating our kids as a result partially due to watching how I handled the surgeries and her fear that something could go wrong during the surgeries. I had had a very hard time coming through recovery each time between nausea and just being able to walk. Nothing truly serious but as a kid I had had a reaction to some anesthesia and almost died. Following the second procedure a 93 year old man came out of recovery faster than I did. It was easier once I got home but she had decided that she did not want me going though another surgery and felt that my life was worth more than any genetic connection to our kids where she knew I would be a good father whether related or not.

Now there might be some out there who might feel her decision was easy as she is genetically a parent to our kids. But I know she struggled with the decision as she wanted the kids to be ours jointly as any couple would. But she decided like I, that DI was sort of a half adoption and that looking at it from that angle we decided to go this route.

DC Network - The Men's Page

About two weeks ago the British DC Network added a new “For Men” page. The page is still in its infancy and will develop over time. It features articles by dads like myself and links to other general articles located on the DC Network site. I would never say I am to credit for this page but I hope my meeting Olivia of the DCN helped her decision to create it as there is a need for it.

A number of the stories are quite compelling including Ted’s story and that of Paul. Each of the stories presented formerly ran in the DC Network newsletter (available generally only to members). The time lag between stories being printed in the news letter to being uploaded to the Internet seems to be about 6 weeks or so.

My thanks to Olivia for creating the page, for the plugs regarding the Yahoo DI Dads discussion group as well as this blog! My wife was amused at my being described as a "good bloke".

Crying for What I Always Wanted

Tonight I was speaking to a couple dealing with male factor infertility issues. During the call my wife reminded me that on several occasions after our first child was born I would break down crying wishing he was my own. While I do not recall the exact circumstances of these moments I do now clearly remember crying several times, if not more, wanting to be his actual dad.

I think each of these moments were very early in the first few months of his life when I was still somewhat overwhelmed that we had actually made it that far and we actually had a baby. Like any dad, I recall how beautiful my son was to me and for how long we wanted him. On the day of his bris after most of the guests left, I was sitting with a friend, who also had male factor issues, and I just started crying in disbelief that I had a son. This instance was different from the others that followed I believe.

Now almost 4 years later I know I am my children’s only father (socially if not genetically) so the concept of crying wishing for this fact to be true seems strange but I do recall the pain and joy that I felt during those occurrences. As I have stated in other posts I cannot imagine my kids being any different nor would I want them to be but I do now recall those feelings and crying, at times uncontrollably.

I do not recall any such episodes after the birth of our daughter. Don't get me wrong I certainly cried as any father does at the birth of their kids. And I certainly love her no less than our son but at the point of her birth the concept of DI and the knowledge of my role as her father was already entrenched in my mind. If G-d were to tell me today that by some miracle I was actually the genetic father to these two kids I believe my reaction would be that the love I have them already could not be increased therefore the reality of such news would be irrelevant.

Daily Rituals: Checking the DSR

One of my daily Internet based rituals is checking out a daily photo blog that focuses on the NYC subway system. The pictures are amazing and really capture life in the tunnels and stations that I am generally in for part of each day. It is worth checking out.

My other daily ritual in addition to checking the DI Dad yahoo site, as its moderator, for pending members or messages needing approval or denial is to run a search on the DSR for any new registrations of children that were created using the same donor as my kids. Currently they have one and only one half sibling out there. I am not sure why I check each day, other than it takes less a minute to do so, other than mere curiousity.

I believe I check as a touchstone as to how their lifes can change at the turn of an Internet page if the result is the existence of another half sibling. Do I want there to be more half-siblings? I am not sure. Part of me is sure there are more out there, part of me figures these three kids are it. Sometimes I wonder if I want there to be more so all three of these kids will know there are others just like them that perhaps they can turn to who know exactly what they are dealing with in their daily thoughts.

It's funny my kids have not even met their half sibling but I hope someday they develop a lasting relationship with that child. Thoughts for another post.

Again checking the DSR is just one part of my daily ritual as a DI Dad.

Grafted Family Trees

A message from a single mother by choice on the Donor Misconception yahoo group the other day discussed her beginning a family tree for her child detailing her own history. As part of her research she found much more than she expected and she was struck by how detailed the history available was. At the same it apparently hit her how empty the tree was for her child's other side, that of the donor.

While we are not a single parent household my kids will see a full tree of the folks that created their daddy in addition to their mommy. And yes they will know that these ancestors are theirs only by the choice of their creation by DI and that these are their ancestors through their DI Dad despite the fact they are not genetically theirs due to biology. Will they wonder about their donor's lineage, of course they will.

What info I have for them (of the donor's parents, siblings and relatives) I will graft onto their tree to show them that this history is real and that much of it, ethnically and religiously, matches their "imposed" or "adopted" history. Will it be same, certainly it will not. But it will at least demonstrate that many of us came from the same place and lived similar lives and, perhaps, that most families cared enough for their children and tried to make better lives for them. I seem to recall a phrase which stated "a part was taken and a part was given". The context may not be the same but maybe it will work for us.

UK Ch. 4 TV Show - The Baby Race - February 6-8th at 11:05pm

Tonight is the third and last episode of this British documentary. Channel 4 brings together a group of single women in their thirties and follows them as they try to realise their dream of having a baby. Just learned about this today. The website gives more info.

Another Why I Post to this Blog....

I was reading the recent posts of Richard over at The End of My Line (EoML) and DynamoDad (DD) at Diaries of a Hopeful Dad and I was reminded again of all the decisions we (my wife and I) had to make and all the anguish expended in making them. From fights to crying fits to just exhaustion from the whole topic.

Richard in EoML states that his wife accused him of being obsessed with his infertility upon which he realized he had made his infertility the center of his thoughts (while trying to outwardly state that it was not a big deal) and in effect pushed his wife’s feelings to the side and forgetting that the goal was a child.

During our TTC years we went through much of the same thing although for us I was not blogging our feelings but pouring my time into genealogy projects. My reaction was to bring the dead “back to life” if I could not generate life myself. I was partially removing myself from our marriage by taking myself to another time and place.

Getting back to why I am blogging. We all need outlets to get out our thoughts and energies while going through the rough periods. It comes down to finding some sort of balance to help us through. Finding that balance is not always easy. Anyone going through the TTC years dearly knows an outlet is needed whether its one of expression or escape. Now I don’t think I am trying to escape anything at the moment but I do feel a sense of responsibility and the need to give back.

Is this blog payment for the beautiful kids my wife and I now have? Or is this blog a justification / rationalization for the choices we made (right or wrong). Perhaps a little of both. It's late so perhaps I am just rambling.

Newsday Article: On the Importance of Telling Children Early and Often (2/6/06)

The full title of Liza Burby's article published this week in Newsday (Long Island, NY) is "For the growing number of children conceived using sperm donors, it's important they hear the truth early and often, experts advise".

Quite similar to the article of 10 days ago published in the NY Times but worth checking out for it's focus on the issue of when to tell children conceived DI of their origins.

Male Factor Infertility & Fertility Stories

Two new sites of interest:

Male Factor Infertility?

This blog like A Dad Someday is a good solid honest blog by a man journaling his and his wife's experiences while they are trying to conceive. An active blogger and worth following if you are at the IVF stages of infertility.

Fertility Stories

Last night I happened upon a site called Fertility Stories. The site is made up of contributed personal stories which range across the fertility spectrum including more than a dozen addressing donor conception.

Of those discussing donor insemination all but one is written by a woman. But again the fact that one is wriiten by a father is good to see.

In addition to the stories the site provides basic definitions and resources that the visitor will find helpful. It's worth checking out.

How to Keep Up to Date With Your Favorite Blogs? Try Blogarithm

On my sidebar is effectively a subscription box to my blog where the Blogarithm folks, free of charge, will notify you via e-mail everytime I update this blog. And I will never know you are there. It offers you complete privacy.

I subscribe to about 10 infertilty and donor conception blogs via Blogarithm and have found it a great way to see which has been updated and to get a few lines from that new post before I even hyperlink to that blog.

I recommend this for all your blogging favorites.

My Name is Eric Schwartzman and I am a DI Dad

The following post was submitted to the New York Times on Friday, December 27, 2005, as an Op-Ed piece but was not run within the week following that submission date nor was I contacted regardings its submission. I am posting it here now as I stated I would:

On Friday, January 20, 2006, I informed the readers of my blog of an article in that day's New York Times, written by Amy Harmon, titled “Are You My Sperm Donor, Few Clinics Will Say”. What I did not say is that I am quoted in it as a father who jointly with his wife chose Donor Insemination (DI) to conceive our kids. By agreeing to be interviewed, I effectively “outed” my family as one created via donor conception.

The decision to do this while not hard was one done with a great deal of thought as the two individuals affected (my children) had no say in this decision (as they also had no input in the decision to use DI in their creation), the latter being a decision that some individuals feel will bring the kids mental anguish later but which has brought immeasurable levels of love into my life and that of my wife.

For far too long there has been a stigma attached to the use of donor sperm one being that it is shameful and embarrassing to the social fathers or DI Dads like me and their families as a whole. Amy Harmon stated in her article that approximately 40,000 children are born each year through donor conception (egg and sperm). It is unclear how many of these are to heterosexual couples but it is estimated that thousands of these couples due to the stigma attached to DC will never tell their children.

The decision not to tell has led to many learning later in life their great secret and caused immeasurable anguish and pain to them with respect to their birth families and specifically with their secretive parents. This does not even address the possibility of unknowing half siblings becoming involved with each other only to cause greater issues later. Granted the odds of this are small but it is possibility without knowledge being shared. And probably most importantly the secret prevents these donor conceived individuals from ever knowing there is a separate medical history out there that could affect their lives.

My purpose today in becoming public as a DI Dad and within my blog is to encourage families to be open with themselves and their children and hopefully begin to break down the unnecessary stigma of DI. Certainly the articles written by Ms. Harmon on this topic begin to educate the public but without the families who choose DC becoming more open themselves there will forever be a stigma attached to DC.

I believe the best way to prepare these children and later adults is to give them knowledge, openly and securely in a safe environment letting them know they were created with love and will forever be supported by that love.

My name is Eric Schwartzman and I am a DI Dad.

"The End of My Line?" - Just the Opposite: Another DC Blog

And the number of male written DC / infertility blogs grows by one more. This is a big deal as anytime one man takes to the keyboard on this issue it is proof that a significant number of more men are out there statistically dealing with the same issues.

The blog "The End of My Line?" is written by a Brit who with his wife are undergoing fertility treatments and DI is their only option.

US News Article: Who's Your Daddy?

The February 13th issue of US News & World Report includes an article by Betsy Streisand titled “Who's Your Daddy?” with the subtitle “Sperm donors rely on anonymity. Now donor offspring (and their moms) are breaking down the walls of privacy”. The issue hits newsstands this week and features information regarding (1) DI Moms who found each other through the DSR and determined that their kids share a common donor and that many of the kids have medical issues, (2) known vs. anonymous donors here in the USA, (3) donor screening, and (4) the article closes on the emotional void that some DC persons experience.

A DI Dad's Greatest Fears

The greatest fears a DI Dad has, at least for me anyway, is that the donor will try to take my children from me.

I was thinking about this fear the other morning as I was scheduled to take another school tour. I began to wonder what precautions this school takes to make sure that it is only the parents or authorized individuals picking up the children. Granted this question is applicable to all parents, not just DI Dads and DC families, but it's one that struck me.

When I hear donors stating that they are the only true father it scares me. All deference to Michael of Donors Against DI as I know Michael is a donor whose views have completely turned around since he was a donor years ago. While genetically the statement of "true" fatherhood is accurate the use of the term seems to negate or invalidate my role as my kid's dad and the only father they know.

The fear of children being taken away is nothing new to any parent as I stated above but to parents who struggled with infertility, wrestled with the concept of and chose DC you can sometimes feel like this gift of a child is something granted to you only on a temporary basis and especially in the beginning years you keep expectinng for it all to end.

So in effect the normal fears of a child being snatched etc are multiplied by the knowledge that there is a "true" biological sire out there.

Getting Men to Attend Infertility Programs

Years ago when my wife and I were first starting to address our infertility issues we attended several all day seminars and multi-session seminars. As expected the attendance at the requisite insurance and female infertility sessions were packed but the male factor sessions were more sparsely attended (by the men anyways) and tended to be more focused on the highly technical issues instead of the emotional aspects of male factor infertility (MFI) issues.

I recently sent an email to a male counselor that works with the AFA who again confirmed that getting men to seminars is a tough sell but that he is part of an effort to put on a MFI seminar this coming May 6, 2006. Similarly Olivia Montuschi of the UK Donor Conception Network also asked for advice as to how to get men to attend more meetings.

Part of me wants to say the answer is actually simple but I don't think it is. Getting men to talk about their own infertility much less to get them to discuss donor conception appear to be impossible tasks. I think in the end for men to be active in addressing their infertility their desire for a child / family must be greater than their discomfort and the pain of acknowledging the issue.

My question to any men suffering from MFI reading this post is what would you want to see in the way of live programming that would enable you to proactively address these issues? To those wives reading this please ask your spouses this same questions and let me know their answers.

The Yahoo DI Dads groups appears to allow the men that are members the anonymity or remoteness of contact to allow them to participate openly regarding their feelings that perhaps in person some of them could not.

My Thank You to Our Donor

I realized the other day that I have not thanked our unknown donor.

I have read many online thank you’s but all have been from the mom's perspective. They all generally start by saying thank you for the gift of the children and how smart and cute the kids are. Most if not all thank the donor for their gift whether it was wholly based in altruism or only partially so.

While I do want to sincerely thank the donor for each of these thoughts I also want to thank the donor for believing that another man (1) could raise his offspring and genetic heir to the best of his recipient's ability and knowledge,(2) that the recipient father would give enough love to any number of children born with no decrease in quantity shown to each child and (3) allowing me to be a father in the truest sense of the word (beyond the obvious biological definitions).

I cannot say if the donor had any of these thoughts while he was providing his genetic material to the cryobank. I have listened to his taped voice on CD Rom so I do believe he fully understood what he was providing. What he thinks today is unknown. Some donors regret their decisions others still believe in the gifts they provided.

I also want to thank our donor prospectively for hopefully respecting any decisions we make to help our children understand their conception and to help them process this still extraordinary method in which for their lives to have begun. I want to thank the donor for the opportunity given to my wife and I to create a family and to share the love we have felt for these kids even before they were conceived. It will never be our intent to forget him, dismiss or marginalize his contribution or genetic role in our kids's growth or development but at the same time it is our intent to teach these children that being a family is part genetic and part love as demonstrated by our actions. I want to thank the donor for what I hope is his understanding of all these thoughts and wishes.

One additional statement that I believe I need to make is not so much a thank you as a promise. I have been extremely clear on this blog that I realize the use of DC whether it be DI or DE has created for some Donor Conceived Persons an irreparable loss regarding 1/2 of their histories. Our intent was never to bring harm or pain to our kids and as a dad it is my pledge to do everything I can to help my kids if they too find themselves in such pain. I believe I can help them while I recognize the use of DC created the issue and they themselves will ultimately have to come to terms with the issues surrounding their conception.

The ASRM Letter and It's Effects

The NY Times Letter to the Editor that I referred to in an earlier post has started a snowball heading downhill in parts of the DC community. Many individuals including Donor Conceived Persons and parents are grumbling about the letter written and want to respond.

My own views include that references to regulation are self serving as what regulations in their right mind would (1) not standardize testing / screening procedures and (2) allow donor specimens to be sold with the possibility of creating numerous unchecked half siblings, among other issues.

It will be interesting to see how many rebuttal letters end up at the NY Times and how many they will print. Stay Tuned...

My Last Post Was Number 100 and What This Blog Has Become (to me at least)

I started this blog on August 8, 2005. Per BlogTopSites (BTS) through today I have had 5237 hits with 2889 of those being unique hits since I registered the site in mid September (cumulatively measured on a weekly basis). I am unsure if the state of this blog is what I envisioned when I started this. It has turned out to be more than just my thoughts and experiences of the daily goings on of being a DI Dad which begs the question of what I think it has become.

My thoughts on this are three fold. I hope I am first doing what I first hoped for and portraying honestly my thoughts and feelings about being a DI Dad. Secondly I hope I am providing on this blog some sort of resource as to other Donor Conception related sites and news and my reactions to them. Third as a result of my beginning this blog I have become more involved in the DC community which is a result I did not expect. But one I sorely hope I am worthy of.

Two New Australian DC Blogs

Within the last few days I have discovered or been notified that each of the following Australian Donor Conception related blogs have been created:

Diaries of a Hopeful Dad To Be

This first blog is by an Australian who with his wife are DI to conceived their hoped for children. This is one of the very few DI Dad blogs I have found written and one that is reporting from the perspective of a husband going through DI with his spouse. The blogger goes by the name of Dynamodad or DD for short. To date DD has only made two posts so you can follow this blog from its beginning.

DADI- Donor Against Donor Insemination

The second blog was announced to me within the comments to one of my recent posts where the blogger was replying to my post of one hopeful dad's views on donor terminology . The sub-title of this new blog states:

"No, not a contradiction in terms. I am a former sperm donor who is now totally opposed to the practice of donor conception. This is my story...."

What is also unususual for some blogs is that the blogger discloses fully who he is by posting his actual name. As stated in his subtitle he has named his blog while playing on the spelling of the word daddy. The blog currently contains no posts so we will have to see if this former donor is looking to make contact with his biological offspring or not and his expanded views on this topic.

Revised Call for Donor Conception Blogs

In my post of two days ago calling for web addresses for all donor conception related blogs I forgot to ask if you can categorize your submissions by type. Suggested categories are below. If you think there shoud be additional catagories or if any I have suggested need to be altered please let me know. Blogs which otherwise are termed TTC (trying to conceived) I am suggested we categorize based on the bloggers overall category. These categories are just off the top of my head.

Suggested Catagories (alphabetically)

DI Dads
DI Moms
Donor Conceived Persons
Donor Egg
Donors For / Against DC
Married Hetero
Married / Partnered LGBT
Single Dads
Single Moms

NY Times Op-Ed Column Submitted & ASRM Letter to the Editor

I just submitted my Op-Ed column to the NY Times via e-mail. If I hear nothing from them within one week it means they are not using the column and I can publish it here. Should be interesting to see what happens. The column was again written as a result of Amy Harmon's January 20th article re Sperm Donors and the Cryobank industry.

It is possible my column will be seen as timely as today in the Letters to the Editor Section was a letter also in response to Ms. Harmon's article by Joseph S. Sanfilippo, M.D.President of American Society for Reproductive Medicine where he made two points that the (1) the medical specialty's position is not one advicating for anonymous donors (2) the industry is already regulated at the federal and state levels and by the industry itself, and (3) "There is no clear scientific evidence to tell us that being a known donor, or an anonymous one, is best for every donor, patient and child."

Did I Suffer a Heart Attack?

The simple answer is No. But was it a wake up call to get in better health? Yes.

Wednesday afternoon, January 25th, at work after walking up several flights of stairs fr the third time that day, which I generally do not do, I started exhibiting many of the classic symptons of a heart attack. While I felt some pain in my chest it was the confluence of feeling dizzy, naseous, and having a throbbing pain in my left arm which did radiate down to my hand that sent me to the emergency room.

Over the next 24 hours I went from the ER to a cardiac unit to having undergone a stress test complete with a nuclear isotope being injected into my system so they could take pictures after the my run on the tread mill and once my heart was at rest. At 41, the target heart rate I was to shoot for on the tread mill was 152. I exceeded that and got my rate up to 190 for the last two minutes which were hell. Nothing in my blood work indicated my heart had suffered an angina or scarring so they are unclear as to what happened other than my overexerting myself.

I do no exercise whatsoever other than playing with my kids. My weight of 145 is reasonable for my height 5'6". I don't have high blood pressure but my cholesterol is just over the desired range. In short to look at me I am not a candidate but to know how I eat, my family history, and that I don't exercise I am a prime candidate to leaving my kids fatherless and my wife a widow.

My warning is simply this, re-examine what you do, check yourself out (without my radical method of scheduling a stress test) otherwise these kids we all have and want will not have you there for them. If not for you do it for them.

Searching for Donor Conception Blogs or Websites

Do you know of a website or blog maintained by an individual or couple (any permutation) attempting to use DC to start a family? Or perhaps a family already started where a child or an adult is a donor conceived individual? I know but a few and they are linked in the sidebar on this blog's index page. I am also interested in finding as many bulletin boards that have existing discussion threads that deal with donor concepton be it donor sperm or donor egg.

I ask this as I see many many infertility blog rolls but finding the DC related ones is tougher to see and I feel a central list should be started to allow for one more avenue of contact within this community.

Please contact me via this blog post which will have its own permanent link shortly on the sidebar.

Thanks.

Draft Op-Ed Column & Lack of Discussion re NYT Article

I am currently writing an op-ed column I plan on submitting to the New York Times. I was spurred on by the article published this past Friday on DI and the cryobanks. It is draft and I have asked a couple of individuals to look at it. I can't post it here first as the Times will not print previously published articles.

While I was overall pleased with Amy Harmon's article I and others have been very disppointed with the lack of responses or commentary in the DC community, be it on the Yahoo discussion groups or on other infertility boards. I also realized that after a week the free access to that article will cease so I need to post the text where folks can access it later. If anyone saw commentary regarding the article outside the yahoo discussion groups please let me know.

Donor Terminology: One Man's Definitions

Many of the topics discussed on the DI Dads yahoo group repeat when new members join and existing members give advice or reply to "new" questions. A few days ago one new member ( a hopeful dad-to-be) gave his definitions and comments in response to another member's thoughts on using the term "biological father" as opposed to "donor".

In order to respect the privacy of the members of the DI Dads group I generally don't quote comments made there but I thought it worthwhile to share in this instance (with the new member's permission) as they represent many (not all but many) DI Dad's views and my own.

"To me a donor is someone who is willing to give something which is only a part of themselves whether it be money, an organ, time or sperm. But a (good) father is someone who devotes himself entirely to raise a child, takes the good with the bad, gives guidance etc..

Personally I do not like the term "biological" if somebody mentioned that word the first thing that would come to my mind would be "warfare"...it almost sounds like a disease ;)

I agree with you the word "Donor" would seem more appropriate at least until kids come to an age of being able to understand more. Plus when you look around you, I think that getting someone pregnant is truly the easy part, the hard part comes with dealing with the pregnancy and the child once it is born and beyond. There are plenty of so called"fathers" out there that are no more than just donors in reality when you look at how little they share with their kids."

If my posting of these comments offends any of the DI Dads I apologize and I will refrain from doing so in the future and limit myself here to my own responses to general discussions.

DI Mom vs. NECC continues...

The subtitle on this DI Mom's website / blog reads "Why sperm banks need more morals than second hand car salesmen". The buzz is beginning to pick up regarding this blog and its battle to warn or expose NECC for false advertising at least in regards to the donor sperm she bought from NECC.

Readers posting their comments over at Yahoo's DSR_Discussion group are wondering what set off this expose and where is it going. A couple of readers are supporting DI Mom's right to this battle others believe she is disgruntled but without a reason why they are unsure as to the veracity of her statements. Again I am captivated to see what she writes next. He last post on Jan. 23rd indicates that she will soon divulge info regarding the progeny of her donor which should offer more than a clue as to what occurred to warrant her risking protracted legal troubles regarding more than just her using NECC's name as her web domain.

Where I have seen other donor recipients take notice with the actions of their cryobanks I have not seen any other action like this one where the blogger is simultaneously issuing notices to the public regarding what she sees as un-business like and unethical practices directly challenging the cryobank in question. I wonder how much more attention would have resulted if Amy Harmon, of the NY Times, knew of this blog before her January 20th donor conception was published.

One DI Mom's Battle with her Cryobank

The title of the blog is "NECC and Sperm Bank Accountability". The domain name the blogger has taken is the fully written out name of the New England Cryogenic Center which if used by a potential customer of NECC would lead the viewer to the website in question. The title to this post links you directly to this DI Mom's blog.

Without commenting on the content of the blog I will post the opening statements posted on January 16, 2006, letting the blogger's own words describe the site she has created:

This site is dedicated to one woman’s experience of using the New England Cryogenic Center’s Sperm Bank. Who is the woman? Well, at the time she was a single, professional, hard-working, optimistic, honest and decent person. She’d reached her mid-thirties childless and had made the agonizingly difficult decision to become a single mother via donor. That woman is me, and the reason I established this site is because I believe that choosing a donor through the NECC Sperm Bank was unarguably the very worst decision I made in my life! My huge regret over using the NECC has led me to set up this website to warn other women who are considering using the NECC.

As this blog is only a week old the buzz about it is only beginning to reach the DC related discussion groups and so far the few posts suggest awe as to what this mom has undertaken. She is apparently not looking to defame NECC but rather to warn other families of her experience and to not use NECC. It will be an interesting blog to watch and see what happens. Any family created using NECC or donor who worked with NECC should undoubtedly want to read this blog.

Pending Donor Conception Related Nationwide Press Coverage

In addition to the NYTimes article of this past Friday, January 20th, there are currently two other pending press pieces in the works regarding donor conception issues:

1) An upcoming USNews and World Report article on the cryobank industry is expected (it was thought to be in either the 1/16 or 1/23 issues but so far no trace).

2) In February the long running and venerated CBS news magazine "60 Minutes" will be running a segment that will refer to the Donor Sibling Registry and related topics.

3 & 4) Additionally look for the DSR in the March Issue of Teen Vogue as well as the June/July issue of Child magazine.

A Dad's Worries About a Sick Child

My son has been sick for two days with a fever and ear ache. I do not look at him as someone else's son as it is me that is holding him and comforting him and trying to convince him to drink more fluids.

This cold will pass as will many others but when I read about diseases that pass from donors to other donor conceived children that could have been prevented by increased screening techniques I worry about what could be out genetically waiting for my kids that I can do nothing about. I can only wait and pray that the donor was truthful in his bio and that the cryobank did all they could to ensure all possible diseases markers were screened out before offering this donor onto the market.

Are You My Sperm Donor? Few Clinics Will Say

Today's New York Times On Line (Fri., Jan. 20, 2005) features on page one (at least at midnight it did ) a new article by Amy Harmon with the above hyper-linked title. The article focuses on the cryobanks and donor anonymity issues and features interviews with recipients (a genetic mom and social dad), donors, donor conceived adults, scholars, social workers and industry representatives. The article also addresses all the related topics discussing screening issues, donor-recipient contact, donor-donor conceived contact, industry fears of decreasing available donors as well as sperm bank regulation among others. Considering the breadth of possible focuses and issues she, Ms. Harmon, managed well to hit most if not all the issues surrounding DC that start from the cryobanks on outward.

This article is the third of Ms. Harmon's in effect now series of articles addressing the issues surrounding donor conception. The first, published Oct. 13, 2005, was titled "First Comes the Baby Carriage" which focused on SMCs and same sex couples looking to have children. The second on Nov. 20, 2005 was titled "Hello I'm Your Sister Our Father is Donor #150" and focused on DC persons looking to make mutually agreed contact with half-siblings or their donors with an emphasis on the Donor Sibling Registry.

DI Dads Yahoo Discussion Group

I am a member of the Yahoo DI Dads discussion group. In its short existence to date I believe it has become a valuable resource to men considering DI as part of their family planning or for men who have already begun using DI or those who are dads via DI like myself. As a matter of disclosure I will admit I am one of the two moderators of the group. I am finding that the men who have joined to date really are interested in not only getting answers to their own concerns and using the group as a platform to vent but are generally interested in helping their fellow group members with their issues as well.

The group was set up as a membership required group to allow the members a format and location where they can go and be assured that only men like themselves are in attendance and able to respond from common experiences.

If any man is interested in joining this dialogue please link to the discussion group via the title of this blog post or from the link provided in the side bar.

Virginia’s Attempt to Limit DC to Married Heterosexuals

The post title links to a Jan. 13, 2006 post (on a blog named the “Gay Opinion Blog”) regarding specific Virginia legislator's blatant attempt to limit via legislation the SMC, gay and lesbian communities’ access to DC and ART procedures. Once again the conservative right is trying to define who and what makes up a family. I can’t imagine the disgust this parent must feel knowing that if this bill was already law they would not have the children they have just because some legislator wanted to discriminate against the gay and lesbian community. At least DC Persons who are against DC are straight forward that all DC should be stopped. This topic has been discussed heavily in the past two weeks or so on the Yahoo DSR_Discussion group.

Views of DC from Outside the Community Regarding the Well-Being of Donor-Conceived Children

The title of this post links to a December 2005 post titled “Donor-Conceived Children and Well-Being of Children”. The post itself is posted on a blog titled “Alas”. The post references separate posts made on the Family Scholars Blog and one writer’s focus on the negative effects of DC. Reference is made to various studies of DC children of single mothers. What makes checking out the post worth while are the currently 72 comments posted and the cross discussion posted by the readers. Granted the individuals posting comments go off topic quite often and I found many of the comments posted to be quite conservative but some give DC a fair shake as not being perhaps the sole reasons behind negative issues various DC Persons might have. It’s worth checking out just to learn more what some of those think-tank type folks outside the DC community believe.

Whose Kid Is This & Can I Give Him Back?

Sometimes when your kid is being somewhat bad you wonder whether the donor was like this when he was a kid. I've read books where for some dads like me this feeling at times can become so strong that you want to say let the donor deal with this kid. I am not at that point today, other days perhaps, but you wonder what fun the donor put his own parents through.

What prompted this was my son deliberately ripping a page in a new book I just gave him and that I just read to him out of. He has done this before. It was titled "Curious George and Friends" (ISBN: 0618226109) which we had borrowed from the school library and read so often that we bought a new copy off of Ebay. What probably happened was his wanting attention and being upset that I stopped reading and had gotten up to shower and shave to start the day. Still I took the book away and let him know how disappointed I was by this behavior. My response was unfortunately a bit more dramatic as for me this is a big deal as books are very important in our home (and as I said above he has done this before).

Anyhow I don't want to make this child the donor's problem (at least not today - and I do love him dearly) but you wonder what he, the donor, was like as a child and how much is nature vs nuture. In the words of the great philosopher Charles Brown: "Aauughh !!!". Just another fun morning as a DC parent.